Official Wickedly Perfect Episode 5 Summary: The Yolk’s On You
Before I start the summary, a little self-indulgent introduction. Hey, if Margo can hog the camera, why can’t I?
I? Am not Wickedly Perfect. Oh, well, in many ways I am, but not in the ways referred to by this show. Case in point? I forgot I had to write this summary until Vols said the word “summary” in the show thread, at which point I had this sickening feeling in my stomach that would not be soothed with ginger ale. Or bourbon. I didn’t get to watch the show live, since Station Manager Buford decided to show the NC State Wolfpack suck instead (but I guess I shouldn’t mind, since my Wahoos beat them. Yes, I know that UVa winning a basketball game is a sign of the apocalypse). I watched my tape and promptly erased it, before I realized my duty to my fellow snarkies.
The biggest reason I’m bitter about this show is because my sister would be fabulous on this show. I sit there watching their lame efforts and think about how Sissy would make them all look like idiots. (OK, look like even bigger idiots.) So while those of you who are creatively inclined play, “What Would I Do?” while watching, I play “What Would Sissy Do?”
It’s a reality show, and a play-along game. What more could people want?
Trading Spaces and Space Cadets
Darlene tells us how excited she is that she made it to the FIFTH task. I sit, puzzled, trying to figure out the significance of the FIFTH task. I guess on her planet that knowing that four people are more pathetic than you are is reward enough. She then starts to gush about her team and how they are gellin’ like a felon. Sweetie, put the lithium down, you’ve had plenty for now.
QUIZ! Darlene is very excited about her team. Which of the following will occur in this episode?
a) There will be some sort of reshuffling to separate Darlene from her teammates.
b) Her team is going to get their butts whooped in this challenge, but they’ll be unified…in voting her out.
c) Darlene’s head will implode due to excessive perkiness.
A Tisket, A Tasket, Going To Hell INN a Handbasket
The teams are loaded into vans and driven out into the woods. Oh cool, the producers are going to use my project idea. In this project, the teams are going to be left out in the woods by themselves. Teams will be judged on the most creative approach to cannibalism. Your individual project will be to commit suicide.
Aw, darn, they didn’t listen. They’re driving up to a country inn. Back to the drawing board.
Joan-Bot explains the real task, which isn’t nearly as interesting. The teams will be managing a quaint country inn, without the help of Larry, Darryl, and my other brother Darryl. They will have the morning to prepare rooms for the guests and welcome snacks. The next day, they will be responsible for preparing brunch.
But since the teams are unbalanced (numerically, not just mentally), it’s time to even up the numbers a bit. Wretched Rodents, since you are complete losers and have not been able to walk and chew gum at the same time during the past few challenges, you are now allowed to pick your…new teammate (show of hands, who thought I was going to say nose?).
QUIZ! Who did Wretched Rodents choose?
a) Kimberly, because Mitch needed someone to balance out his b!tchiness.
b) Margo, because she’ll just sit back and let everyone else do the work.
c) Dawn, because her sweet, gentle personality makes her a joy to be around.
d) Denise, because they miss having her on their team.
e) Darlene, because with her gone, the wheels will fall off of their bus faster than Joan-Bot can schedule more plastic surgery.
If you picked b or c, what show have you been watching for the past several weeks???
Darlene appears to be heartbroken to say goodbye to her team. Obviously, she worries that people may actually see how nuts she is, when she doesn’t have Margo’s control freak lunacy nearby to blind everyone. But there’s no time to mope around because there’s work, work, work to be done!
While the Martha Stewart wanna-bes (well, except the jail part of course) run around like chickens with their heads cut off, Joan-Bot explains that the guests will actually be the judges, each with their own ways of complicating the lives of our little design divas. We all know how annoying they are when they’re not even trying, but apparently, they’re going to be giving it that extra effort just for our little divas. Now I’m jealous, because I’d love to be able to torture those design DAWs. The divas would take turns staffing the front desk, and whoever was lucky enough to be on duty when a guest arrived would be responsible for putting that guest up in one of their rooms.
The divas have the morning to get their three guest rooms into tip-top shape. Easier said than done, since these rooms look like no one has cleaned them since the 1700s. Frankly, I would like to know who the, ahem, genius associated with this inn was who thought that it would be a good idea for all of America to see their rooms in that horrible of a condition. Can you see their brochure now? No, really, our rooms aren’t that bad, we just trashed them to be on TV. Yeah, right. That looked like some hard won scum, not just some surface scum slapped on to depress the cameras. And those hairballs looked like Don King exploded.
Meanwhile, the Wretched Rodents decided to make their new lackey earn her keep and put Darlene to work in the kitchen making welcome treats. Darlene ran around like a hamster on Ritalin, freaking out that her teammates put her in charge of that. Frankly my dear, I would have much rather had kitchen duty than deal with those skanky bedrooms. Wow, isn’t it funny how they sped up the tape to make it look like she was bouncing around the kitchen? Oops, sorry, that’s her “normal” speed.
Margo decides she’s going to do the cooking for the Fartypans, since she’s such a good cook. Excuse me, am I the only one who remembers the camping task? Since when does having the judges declare that the food sucked equate to being a fabulous cook? What color is the sky in your world, Margo?
Margo looks down her nose at Darlene’s running around, declaring that her slow, deliberate pace works just fine thankyouverymuch. She decides that she’s going to make a lovely chicken noodle soup to welcome her guests and plods through the kitchen to make the soup.
Come INN For Whine and Cheese
Not Sarah Jessica Parker arrives at the inn with her husband, Definitely Not Matthew Broderick, and their dog. The Wretched Rodents take them up to their room. NSJP immediately pulls out an unopened packet of sheets and informs Heather that they prefer their own sheets. Yeah, the package is a real giveaway that they’re attached to these sheets. Heather proves that while she’s been incompetent enough to face potential elimination in the Rock Garden twice, she isn’t SO stupid that she’s going to fall for this obvious pitfall and takes the sheets.
NSJP and DNMB head down to enjoy their welcome snacks. Darlene stops taking speed long enough to bring out a tray with a few of her goodies. Darlene has put together enough “light welcome snacks” for the entire state of Connecticut. NSJP decides that she wants to win the award for b!tchiest judge, but given some of the behavior demonstrated by the others, she realizes she has her work cut out for her. Luckily, she’s up to the challenge. Heather comes in and tells her that the queen-sized sheets she brought wouldn’t fit the king-sized bed, so she moved them to another room. NSJP tells them that they’d prefer the larger bed and gets them to move the stuff back. She then looks at Mitch and explains that the big lump of dark hair at their feet is called a DOG, and that this DOG needs to have some boiled vegetables. Once they’ve left to do her bidding, she complains to DNMB that there’s too much food.
You’ve heard of the Thumper rule: If you can’t say sumpin’ nice, don’t say nuttin’ at all. NSJP obviously follows the Bite Me, Thumper rule: If you can’t say sumpin’ nice, then just keep jabbering on and on and on.
Back in the kitchen, Mitch complains about how NSJP singled him out to be her lackey boy. He vows not to kiss her ass. Then he tucks his tail between his legs and starts boiling the vegetables. Obviously, he and I have different definitions of kissing ass.
Our second guest David arrives and falls under the
capable hands of the Fartypans. He’s been an exceptionally difficult guest by bringing…GASP…another person! And this person is…GASP…a woman! What are the Fartypans to do? Gee, since they were required to fix up three rooms, are they really as screwed as Joan-Bot would like us to think? Yawn, this drama is about as gripping as a Simon Cowell-Paula Abdul b!tchslap fest on American Idol.
David immediately asks for a ginger ale, claiming that his stomach is upset. Frankyl, I think this is a preemptive strike – squeamishness at being forced to endure the Fartypans. David and his, ahem, friend now get to experience another one of Margo’s culinary efforts.
QUIZ! What did the guests think of Margo’s soup?
a) Loved it! After all, Margo is such a talented cook.
b) They finished it, but didn’t think that soup was a fitting welcome snack.
c) They couldn’t gag their way through it, since it was just like her previous efforts.
For those of you keeping score at home, it's Hamster on Ritalin 1, Slow & Prodding 0.
Flayed INN the Night
The Wretched Rodents are tired. Really tired. And cranky. Really cranky. What could be worse? They’ve still got another guest to greet. Even though they had been told that Bobby Flay would be appearing earlier, they seem surprised when he finally does show up. Bobby gets on my good side by asking for a bourbon when he checks in. He’s learned that the best way to deal with a Wretched Rodent is to have liquor. Plenty of liquor. The guy may be a jerk, but he’s got a brain. David should have asked for some liquor to go along with his ginger ale, and then he may have been able to stomach Margo’s soup. Eh, who am I kidding?
While Amy runs around scrounging for liquor, she leaves the front desk unmanned. Perfect timing too, since NSJP is trying to ring the front desk to whine about something. Since she’s laying in bed waiting for DNMB to get there, the complains obviously must have something to do with his lack of size or inability to perform. Whatever. She just gets irritated that the phone is ringing…and ringing…and ringing…
Darlene grabs the leftovers from earlier (whoa, there were leftovers???) and puts them on a different plate. She explains that this is how they do it in restaurants. Darlene, stop. Either they like you already, or they’re just going to continue to bleed you in their own efforts to make themselves look better. Give up the campaigning. Then all of the Wretched Rodents sit there and watch Bobby eat the food and try to soak in his wisdom. Or his liquor. Or whatever.
Meanwhile, the phone rings…and rings…and rings…
Please Wreath-lease Me, Let Me Go
Meanwhile, it’s the middle of the night, and time to work on the individual projects.
QUIZ! You’re in charge of editing this episode of Wickedly Perfect. It’s time to edit in some footage of the individual challenges. What are you going to show?
a) I’m going to show a little bit of every project. After all, it’s nice to give the viewers a chance to assess all of the contestants’ talent.
b) I’m going to focus on the really good projects, regardless of team, so that the viewers might start to believe that these folks were chosen for actual talent instead of just randomly picked by a team of monkeys.
c) I’m going to focus on the losing team, so that we have a clue on why the two picked for potential elimination got there.
So anyway, it’s time to look at the Fartypans and see what sort of wreaths they’re putting together. Kimberly and Dawn are having a hard time focusing on their wreaths, because when they get tired, they get the giggles. I can sympathize. My college roommates hated it when I pulled all-nighters. I was much worse than after a night of heavy drinking. But I digress. After all, I’m not Margo, so this isn’t all about ME.
QUIZ! Denise is not amused by their giggling. Why isn’t she amused?
a) Because when Denise is sleep-deprived, she gets b!tchy instead of giggly.
b) Because she’s been the one doing all of the freakin’ work (well, other than the bad cooking), so she doesn’t appreciate hearing them talk about how tired they are.
c) Since she’s the one who’s been doing all of the freakin’ work (well, other than the bad cooking), she has
unselfishly foolishly neglected working on her own individual project and knows she’s screwed.
d) All of the above.
It’s morning, and our snarky (yes, it is a word) judges have had a chance to rest up and are now ready to pick apart their brunch efforts.
First, it’s the Wretched Rodents. They start the meal off with Mimosas. The judges are shocked to admit that they are actually good Mimosas and make special note of the fresh-squeezed orange juice. Mitch has contributed to the meal by making his grandmother’s cinnamon rolls. As much as I would like to criticize Mitch, I find myself nodding in approval that he picked an appropriate brunch item, so I just wonder if his grandmother is as big of a b!tch as he is. I doubt it.
But brunch can’t go perfectly smoothly for the Rodents, since they still have Heather on their team. Heather has decided to pull out her standard recipe for chicken pot pie. Well, she would have pulled out her standard recipe for chicken pot pie, if Darlene hadn’t used up all of the ingredients in her efforts to feed the Northeast. At least, that’s Heather’s excuse and she’s sticking to it. After two straight rock-pelting episodes, she’s gotten used to having excuses ready to pull out at a moment’s notice. Surprise, surprise, Heather’s food sucks, and it looks ridiculous too.
Show of hands, who thinks Heather has a hope in Hell of being the big winner? Me neither.
Time for the Fartypans to show off their efforts. They start with Mimosas too, but sadly, they used the carton juice instead of fresh-squeezed. The wrinkled up noses of the judges speak volumes. Of course, the wrinkles might be due to Kimberly’s decision to not waste time bathing or fixing up before serving the Mimosas. Next it’s time for Denise’s special French toast. Before they serve it, her teammates ask about adding more syrup. There’s no need, she assures them, since there’s plenty in the recipe. DUH DUH DUM! Cue the ominous music.
The Fartypans serve the toast and then leave their guests alone to, ahem, enjoy the food. Completely alone. As in, the guests decide they want syrup and are looking for someone alone. As in, Bobby Flay gets up, goes into the kitchen, tells them they want syrup, and steals one of Mitch’s cinnamon rolls alone.
Is there really a need to show any more of the brunch? After watching Bobby and the roll, even the Fartypans know they're screwed. But the best is yet to come. The team has decided to offer steak and eggs made to order. Three eggs, what’s the big deal? Especially when the judges decided to be soft-hearted (or whatever it is that fits in that crevice of their chests) and make easy picks like fried and poached. Margo assures her team that there’s no problem, she can handle it.
And what are we reminded of yet again? Say it with me, people...if you're doing something simple, you need to hit it out of the park. Does Margo hit it out of the park? Folks, it's Margo. And it's Margo in the Real World, not on her own specially imagined planet.
Kimberly’s skeptical (or b!tchy, hard to tell the difference with her). After all, Margo is trying to poach eggs without using vinegar. Margo insists she never uses vinegar at home. Girl, so much vinegar comes out of your mouth, you don’t usually have to add extra.
QUIZ! How many eggs does it take for Margo to produce edible results?
a) Three. After all, fried and poached eggs aren’t difficult.
b) Eight. The first ones were OK, but she wanted to make sure that the eggs looked and tasted just right.
c) Edible? That’s funny.
After they stare at the latest version of fried egg for a moment, they pop it into the microwave to fluff it back up. Don’t worry about it, the judges won’t notice.
I’m still laughing here.
Once the Fartypans have produced the steak and, ahem, eggs, the judges cannot believe how inedible the results are. For once, NSJP doesn’t look b!tchy for turning up her nose at something. OK, she still looks b!tchy, but at least this time it’s understandable. Bobby gets up and walks back into the kitchen to teach the women how to poach an egg. Surprise, surprise, vinegar is a required ingredient.
Margo’s ego has finally deflated enough for her to get on the clue train and realize that she didn’t do a very good job. But she tearfully tells us it’s because she’s.very.tired. Oh yeah, that explains why this food sucks. But what was your excuse yesterday? And at the campsite? Oh yeah, no excuses yesterday. I’m sure that Cleopatra, Queen of Denial, still believes those efforts were fabulous.
Show of hands, do you have any doubt which team is going to lose? Me neither. I could drag this summary on by going through the judges’ critique of the teams and Joan-Bot’s spiel about the judges’ deliberations, but we all know what happens. The Wretched Rodents are not quite as wretched as in prior weeks, and the Fartypans still suck, so it’s time for the Farties to go to the rock-slinging garden.
Now, let’s look back at the individual projects.
- There’s a wreath with some cut fruit pieces slapped together.
- There’s a wreath with some big-honking pieces of fruit dragging at the bottom of it, which are probably a symbolic representation of the, ahem, artist’s big-honking ego.
- There’s a small wooden frame with a pear in each corner, which represents the cluelessness of someone on what the hell a wreath is.
- There’s a big wooden frame hung on the side of a house, which represents yet another bout of cluelessness on what the hell a wreath is.
BTW, I know I mentioned my sister earlier in this summary. I have seen wreaths that she has made. OK, I admit it, she did my Christmas wreaths for me this year. She would have kicked such major ass on both the individual project and whatever aspects of the team project she had her hands on that it’s been hard for me to watch this. She styles rings around these losers.
But in a stunning wave of cluelessness, the judges forget what the hell a wreath is. Either that, or they think that the only two wreaths suck so badly that they can’t ding the people who made frames. Whatever, Margo and Denise, the only two people left in Connecticut who know what the hell a wreath is, even if they can’t make a pretty one, are up for eviction.
Kimberly and Dawn are stunned to realize that even though they have no discernible talent whatsoever, and even though they don’t know what the hell a wreath is, they are now the ones with the power. And yes, this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.
QUIZ! Who will they vote out?
a) Denise, because she’s more talented than they are, and is the bigger threat who must be eliminated as soon as possible.
b) Margo, because Kimberly hates her and Dawn refuses to think for herself.
c) Joan-Bot, because she was so much prettier before the plastic surgery.
d) Heather, because even though she’s on the other team, she’s a bigger waste of space than Kimberly and Dawn are. Yes, that is possible.
Margo is Margone
In the rock garden, Joan-Bot gives Denise and Margo the chance to explain why they should remain in the game.
Denise: I’m a team player, and I think we can work together and make our ideas happen.
What Denise should have said: You need to keep me because I’m stupid enough to put the team projects ahead of my individual ones. That means that I will put my talents into making you two sorry halfasses look better than you are, instead of sending you two back to slinging burgers at McDonald’s where you belong.
Margo: I want to win.
What Margo should have said: Look, I know I’m going home tonight, since whiny Kimberly hates me. Dawn, I know you’re voting for me, since you follow that no-talent slob around like a puppy, yapping about how great you are but never backing it up. I may not be able to cook, and I may be completely annoying, but you two are worthless drains on society who wouldn’t know style if someone hit you with it. I’d like to try though…hand me those rocks.
And in one of the least dramatic moments, Margo is unanimously voted out. The girls hug Denise, while Margo goes back to her kids and to a part of the world that for some unknown reason likes her cooking. Or at least pretends to.
Beblo and Kimdra