10. You call that a collapse? Are you blind? Anyone can see he never even came close to going down!
9. So that's ninety-two major league ejections.
8. Duke, duke, duke, duke of dirt, dirt, dirt, kick the dirt, dirt, dirt...
7. He snuck back onto the deck ten minutes later (wearing the cruise mascot costume) and ordered the chef to start warming up dinner.
6. Can you imagine if he'd had access to his stats on an iPad? The time involved in shuffling those cards probably cost him three World Series. And the time spent filling out damage reports for the tablets he broke over his knees would have cost him five.
5. Jim Palmer called. He wanted us to know Earl's just being a baby and could get out there if he really wanted to.
4. (This space retired.)
3. The coroner's report claimed his last gasp was audible to the stands.
2. It's his patented strategy: single, walk, three-blockage heart attack.
1. ...and the next thing he saw was Ron Luciano standing in front of pearly gates, saying "Not so fast."