We go to Victoria Falls, in Zimbabwe (Africa, for the geographically challenged folk).
Sir Richard informs them their first task is for the women to pick a leader for the men, and the men pick a leader for women. The man will lead the women, the woman will lead the men. Confused? Me too.
The women choose Gabriel to lead them, and he’s worried about it. I guess he thinks he’s going to suck. He might. We’ll see.
The men pick Nicole, although far be it from me to figure out why. She says it’s an honor to be invited to lead the male team, but if they lose it’s gonna suck for her. Here’s to hoping they lose, and it therefore sucks for her. cq is not a Nicole fan.
So, we’re in Africa. Cue the antelope and elephants so we can see how exotic and wild and free it is there.
The people who have no value for their lives arrive at a dingy hut on the edge of a very high cliff, overlooking a river or some other body of water. It looks very pretty. But also very, very high. Made me woozy. And I have a 13” TV.
Steve thinks the guys will be successful because they’re amped. cq wonders if he was paid by Pepsi to push Amp, the Mountain Dew version of Red Bull. If not, maybe cq can take that money with the following endorsement: Amp = Mmmmm.
Gabriel lays down the law to the women. Rule #1: There will be no petty talking. Rule #2: We will rock. Looked like he was reading his speech off a piece of paper. I’m glad his speech didn’t involve use of the word “nuclear.”
So, it’s 360 feet to the river. Straight down. But they don’t have to jump. Yet. Pshaw. That isn’t that high. But it sure looks it. Even on my 13” TV.
Today as teams, we will discover who can trust each other and take risks. There will be 5 jumpers, 1 catcher. The catcher catches the jumpers as they leap out over the river from a platform. If you are caught, you go back and that’s one point. Every few jumps, the catcher moves back farther away. If you miss, you basically bungee jump over the river. The losing team’s captain will select whom s/he will face in the elimination challenge.
The men’s team chooses Jermaine to be the catcher because they don’t think any of them could catch him “without having their legs ripped off.”
Gabriel says he’s the catcher (cq smirks and says I bet) so the guys are gonna get tired first because they’re catching guys (again cq smirks and says I bet), but he is 220 and can catch the girls all day long. Betcha.
1st jumper is Nicole to Jermaine. She looks uberconfident. I really can’t stand her smugness. Anyway… 5,4,3,2,1… jump… reach… commercial.
And we’re back. Countdown AGAIN. The jump, again, and he missed her. She screamed the whole way down. That? Rocked. cq points, laughs, and applauds.
Jermaine blames Nicole. He says she didn’t jump out and far enough. Rut ro. But, cq wonders, how could anything be Nicole’s fault? She’s perfect! And the sarcasm meter nearly explodes.
Heather is scared. And she misses. Wow she fell mighty fastily. Go high or go home looks like the strategy the women will be employing from here on out.
The guys have a plan. I jump and grab your shoulders, and you grab my arms. And no, I can’t remember who this jumper was. But it’s the one I didn’t mention yet. Maybe Sam. And it works. And there’s a very macho hug moment. I think Jermaine should drop him. You know, because he was like all up in his heezy. Getting too close for comfort. But that’s just me. After all, Jermaine is the catcher.
Heather? Is too scared to jump. She’s giving Gabriel directions like he’s the problem. Hi, he’s hanging on a string in the air. He can’t exactly go anywhere. Then she finally finally jumps, and he grabs her. Good job.
And they move the catchers out to 8 feet. I’m not sure what they were at to start with. But it’s less than 8.
Shawn fell but sounded like he was having a good time doing it. Which makes one of them. Candida fell and ooh ahh eeeeh aaaahed the whole way and flipped like a rag doll. She felt like she broke a rib and had bruised arms. Lacerations. They reshow it about 50 times ah eh ooh ah! And the ambulance is taking care of her. But she seems like she’ll live.
Steve doesn’t know what failure is. And it’s his turn to jump. But he’s fired up. So, he jumps. And makes it. Putting pressure on the women. They must make the last jump to tie, or the men take it. And… they make it. But Erica has trouble getting up… But she finally does. So now it’s all tied up.
Now they pick their own distance to jump. Whoever picks less goes first. And if they make it, the other team goes. But if they miss, the other team wins. The dudes go first for 7 feet, 7.5 inches. And they make it. Now the girls team. 7 feet 8 inches. Erica is doing the jump. If they make it, they win. If not, the dudes win. Erica’s about to jump… 1…2… commercial.
They make it. The girls win! Which only gets a ! because it implies the guys lose! And Nicole could go home! cq rejoices.
So Richard tries it, to show that Anything They Can Do, He Can Do Better. And he’s nervous. He tries twice and can’t bring himself to jump. He says something about his legs having been jellificationalizationized. Then he goes, and Gabriel drops him. Talk about letting billions of dollars slip through your hands. So Richard takes the fall. And comes back smiling about it. But he’s bleeding. But still smiling.
Nicole needs to choose someone to go through a challenge with her. Perhaps the biggest challenge in these 8 weeks. Nicole looks nervous for the first time. And cq is thoroughly enjoying this.
Nicole asks who they’d all get rid of. She’s the leader and wants to find out what they think. They don’t seem to want to name names. Then after Nicole solicits their input, and one or two say Shawn, she says well I decided. It’s going to be Sam. At least that’s what I think happened. And I verified with CSTL just to make sure, because even cq the Nicole Hater couldn’t believe anyone would so blatantly disregard others like this. But CSTL assures cq that Nicole did, indeed, completely ignore them and just do whatever she wanted, anyway.
Victoria falls is where the elimination challenge will be. And they’re looking to set a new world record. Ooh. Ahhh. They’re going over the falls in a barrel. And we’re going to commercial.
So, we’re back. The barrel looks like the elevator at the end of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It even has a big red button in it. If they panic, hit the button. This is not a stunt. This is real. It’s never been done. The impact of the fall is gonna hurt. It’s a challenge. They have to sign an additional waiver. Nicole the lawyer chick sees the additional waiver and like a gold-digger presented with a prenup she starts firing away with the questions. She asks if it’s ever been used before. She asks what happened when the dude went over Niagara Falls in the barrel. How high was Niagara falls?
Sir Richard asks if they want to back out. Nicole says she wishes she knew someone had done it and not gotten hurt. cq, for once, completely agrees with Nicole. Sam doesn’t want to regret passing the opportunity. Nicole decides she’s not going. She says she’d rather be alive with regret than dead with… well, just dead. Sam and Richard get in the “barrel.” Nicole tries to talk Sam out of it by reminding him of the button. But it seems like she’s really just hoping he will back out so they tie for Not Wanting to Die Today.
They get in, and are lifted… Sam asks if Richard’s nervous. He is. If he weren’t he wouldn’t be human, he says. They’re atop a crane over the falls… and another commercial break.
They confess their love for each other in the “barrel” that is bigger than my apartment.
They’re going for it. Might as well.
3… 2… 1…
My back hurts thinking about this.
I lost sight of it already. No, wait. They didn’t do it. You are brave, said Richard. But we weren’t going over the falls because we would’ve been very dead. Richard says if we did this we’d have died. So he says “I didn’t want you to do this.” So this challenge was about intelligent risk-taking. Nicole can’t believe it. Richard takes them for a walk. Sometimes we ask lots of questions, blah blah blah. Richard says if they had done it, they’d be “extremely, extremely dead.” My take is dead is dead. But whatever. So they walked to the edge, and he shows them you have to take calculated risks. And they were both very brave. There is an implied BUT here…
So now it’s dinnertime. Nicole is telling her hero story. And gives a big speech that if you are nervous, ask questions. And she’s bragging like she’s the best thing since Amp, and cq just seethes and hates her more. Sam, naturally, feels like a dumbass. Because it isn’t enough that Richard simply thought it was dangerous, oh no. They had to full on choose something that would’ve actually KILLED them had they followed through with it. So he makes the speech of a dumbass. How he learned stuff and knows he was a dumbass, but, you know, stuff happens, and blah blah blah. So Richard doesn’t know who to pick because Nicole acted like a tool at dinner, and Sam made the wrong decision.
So now what? *please out Nicole, please out Nicole* prays cq.
So everyone on the plane, except those two. Who will get on? Who will go back to the states? Now it’s Richard’s turn for a speech. If I were him I’d axe them both. Really. I mean, do you want the idiot who was willing to die without wondering if falling over the falls in a barrel was a bad idea, or the beeotch from hell who only wanted to back out when she had to sign an additional waiver? They both suck.
Richard tells Sam he jumped without questioning. They would’ve died, but he made a strong decision. He was sticking with it, no matter what. Nicole, when they put the release in her hands, then she questioned. Because she’s a lawyer, and that’s her training.
They hug. Inside the plane, the people are looking out, nervously.
My guess? Sam stays. He smiles and looks really happy… Hmmmm…
Nicole came back. Wow. I’m shocked. Although, not really. Just shocked they didn’t –both- get booted, because they both sucked in very different but equally sucky ways. And Nicole’s going on and on and making more speeches. Idiot. Nobody seems to like her. cq feels less alone in the Nicole Haters Club.
Is Richard going to explain this one? Because I feel I’m owed an explanation… Well, he didn’t explain, so I’ll explain his decision-making for him. He chose greedy, cut-throat lawyer over autonomous dumbass. Okay, I guess it made sense. –FINE-.
Sam says thanks, he learned a lot and it was a good opportunity. He’s going to go out and do something he’s never done before. Hey, Sam, here’s something you’ve never done before: bought a bridge. I have a really nice one for sale.
Thanks for listening.
cq, president of the Nicole Haters Club. I’m not only the president, I’m also a client.
bridge located in this city, pictured by JSlice
edited to fix link after move to new forum!