I'm posting this because WCH's workplace has started restrictions his Internet access to these boards (woops!)
First things first. I am not a writer. I am not very funny. I only offered to do this summary because there were 15 gazillion reality shows going on this summer and SurvivorBlows really needed the help. In addition, Bebo threatened to have me removed from this board if I didn’t help out. The conversation went something like……
Bebo: WCH you lazy piece of sh*t. You never do anything around here but piss newbees off on the AI board, rile up liberals on OT and take care of Breezy’s cabana needs. You are going to write a summary for the Casino.
WCH: True, but Breezy likes me. That has to count for something.
Bebo: It’s time for you to help out. Now go watch this piece of crap and do a summary. It doesn’t have to be any good. We gave you week three. By then no one will be watching anyway.
WCH: You mean I’ll be writing this thing and no one will be reading it?
Bebo: That’s exactly what I mean. You don’t think we would let you do something that anyone is actually going to read, do you?
WCH: Why do it at all if no one is going to rea……..
Bebo: Just shut the f**k up and write the summary! And, no matter what, don’t plagiarize anything.
WCH: Plagiarize!?! I don’t even know the meaning of the word.
So with that I was locked in. Of course I wouldn’t plagiarize, but I will steal any idea and any characterization I can. Like, what are they going to do to me? Not let me do another summary. Plus Bebo is correct, I am lazy!
So queue the music and the opening credits and lets get started.
In the opening credits we find out once again that Tim and Tom are dot com millionaires. They have decided that along with fox they would buy a casino and make a really crappy reality T.V. show. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, mob connections, temporary license. O.K., you already know all that sh*t.
For those of you that didn’t see last week we had a high roller, Geoff Mills and his posse show up and lose a bunch of money. Losing made them mad so the tore up a bunch of cards. This made Tom mad. Tom made them stop tearing up cards so they left. They then came back, played some golf and left. Wow, just writing that was more exciting than the show. Oh and a young couple showed up and got propositioned by some swingers. The couple went out with the swingers for a few drinks and a little dancing. Then went back to the swingers room for the orgy. At this point the young couple decided it wasn’t for them and left….If this show gets any more exciting I don’t know how I will contain myself.
Title: Young, Blonde and stupid, or who I did on my summer vacation.
We open the show with a shot of a blonde driving a jeep through the desert. She tells us she is from Oregon and her name is Jenn. I will refer to her as “apprentice hooker” from here on out. She is on her way to Vegas to start a new life. She has money to last a week (I figure this means she has at least $100) and after her money is gone she will need a job. She makes it clear she is willing to “do anything”.
Considering these scenes are obviously shot from a helicopter and have been planned out months in advance, I wonder, is there anything in this “reality” show that is not scripted?
We cut to Tim and Tom talking about “High Rollers” again. They hear about some guys, John and Mike, who are on the strip and they are high rollers and they think they can get them in to come to the Golden Nugget if they send a vintage Cadillac. Wow! It actually works. In the next unscripted scene we see John and Mike in the Cadillac driving through a slum. Run down burnt out houses, pawn shops and adult book stores. They talk about how they are only going to the golden nugget to get some strange. Now I don’t know if that was a slip of the tongue or if they meant something else, but that is what I heard.
The apprentice hooker arrives at the Golden Nugget. The bell hops fall all over them selves trying to carry her luggage. Obviously the bellhops figure that the fastest way to get laid in Vegas is to carry luggage good (of course I mean “carry luggage well”).
Next we are shown John and Mike being shown their suite. They are thoroughly unimpressed. They ask about the view. Woooosh, the drapes are opened and we are shown the magnificent view of a dirt field. John laughs about the view and request the blinds be closed. You have to love “High Rollers” they are so easy to please.
We cut back to our apprentice hooker. She is now checking in to the Golden Nugget. Right, that’s a good plan. I am going to show up in Vegas with $100 and check into the Golden Nugget. Come on, there are motels on the edge of town that charge $25 a night. Plus in the cheap motels there will be some truckers around to help her supplement her income. But, no, she is going to check into the Nugget.
Folks, this is not a reality show. This is not a scripted reality show. It is just scripted!
While checking in she asks the desk person about work. She reiterates that she will do anything. Does this dumb c*nt, sorry, apprentice hooker not understand that she is in Vegas! How do people this stupid live to be old enough to drive and how do they pass the drivers test? Oh, yeah, they “do anything” with the driving test guy.
So she is told she is too pretty to be a cocktail waitress by the check in clerk. And of course the check in clerk should know because, well, because she is a check in clerk. I know whenever I want career advice I usually start with the check in clerk at a local hotel.
Cut back to John and Mark. They are in their suite eating. Complaining about the casino and the food and anything else they can think of. That’s it. That is their entire scene. Nothing funny. Nothing interesting. Most of it was inaudible.
At least last week Geoff and his gang gambled. They waved cash around. They were rude to others in the casino. They gave money to girl friends to throw down the toilet. They ripped up cards. Sure they were boring, but John and Mike have to be the most boring high rollers ever to be on casino. The least they could do is go out and pick up a transvestite or two.
So lets go back to our apprentice hooker. She has now checked into her room and is in the casino. She approaches a cocktail waitress and gets the low down on what a fantastic job it is. “Big money” she is told. She moves around the casino a bit and, what’s this?
She is spotted by a pimp. Oh wait. The pimp wants to let us know that he doesn’t like to be called a pimp. Pimp is no longer the politically correct term for someone who sells women for money. Pimp is a demeaning term and he feels bad when someone calls him a pimp. After all he has feelings too! He prefers to be called a “love broker” or “Private party arranger” or something like that. I missed a little bit of what happened next because I had tears in my eyes.
Ya know, this is a great example of what is wrong with political correctness. When you can’t call a pimp and pimp there is something wrong.
Now this is one of the funniest moments of the show. That’s not really saying much because there really isn’t much humor in this show.
So the pimp gets one of his journeyman hookers to go make friends with the apprentice hooker. Make her feel good about herself. Once she does that he will swoop in and give her some compliments and offer her a job. I am thinking to myself, boy this sounds familiar. Then it hits me. I have seen this same thing on every made for T.V. movie about hookers that I have ever seen.
Remember – Teenage Hookers – staring Melissa Gilber or how about Young Hookers staring Sara Gilbert. Who could ever forget – Runaway Teenage Hookers – staring Alicia Milano. And then there is the all time classic – I Was A Young Teenage Runaway Hooker – staring Tori Spelling. All of these ground breaking movies were the same. Young girl is down on her luck and is befriended by hooker. Hookers boyfriend is pimp. Young girl has to start turning tricks to support her self and pimp.
So anyway where was I, that’s right, the apprentice hooker is being schmoozed by the pimp and one of his ho’s. He offers her a job. Apprentice hooker seems oblivious to the fact that she is being offered a job as a HOOKER. She takes his card and begins to ponder the idea of being a glamorous escort. By escort I mean HOOKER!!!!!!!
Have I mentioned that the John and Mike are still in there room not doing anything? It has become obvious that the writer who was supposed to write John and Mike’s script is not around.
So back to our heroin or apprentice hooker as I prefer. She has now made her way to the Golden Nuggets employment office where she is told that they don’t have any jobs for her. Doesn’t it seem strange that MB would bring her into the story line without having a job for her? Oh, wait a minute. MB is trying to throw us off. Make us think none of this was planned.
Apprentice hooker realizes that the Golden Nugget is the only place in Vegas that has cocktail waitresses jobs? But never fear, apprentice hooker wonders into the lounge and finds Tim. Tim thinks he might be able to get her into bed if he lets her sing. They ask Matt Dusk if she can sing with them. Of course he throws a fit. He does his “we aren’t a karaoke bar thing” and then agrees to let her on if she shows up the next day for rehearsals.
Tim and Tom become concerned because the writer for the high rollers scenes still has not shown up. They high rollers are in their luxury suite eating cheese and drinking colt 45’s. They haven’t lost any money yet. O.K., wait a minute, here come our hero’s. The high rollers make their way into the bar. Order some drinks and start playing slots with a couple of 21 year old girls. They offer the girls $300 to show their t*ts. The girls seem offended. Obviously, John and Mike don’t watch survivor. If you want to see a girls t*ts on a reality show you offer them peanut butter and chocolate. The high rollers go back to their room. What the f*ck? That’s it. I mean they were on camera less than a minute. Even without a writer for these guys you would think someone could come up with something more substantial than, “ I’ll give you $300 to show me your t*ts”. You know what this means.
We now cut to apprentice hooker showing up at rehearsals. She is so excited about becoming a lounge singer she is about to wet her panties. Just think she has no formal training. I took this to mean that she has something in common with both Willy hung and WCH. Neither of us has any professional training either. What really amazed me was when she started singing she sounded like WCH with a lot higher voice. I mean I haven’t heard such bad singing since John Stevens was on AI ( sorry Bebo I couldn’t help myself). The band is laughing so hard they can hardly play, but Joe (entertainment director) says she can sing with the group tonight. She must learn the words though. So what does our apprentice hooker do? Does she try to memorize the four short verses she is responsible to sing? No Way! She calls grandma. Grandma will know what to do. Grandma, in a voice not heard since John Peters was booted from AI (sorry again Bebo) sings the song to our apprentice hooker.
I still didn’t understand how grandma singing the song would help her remember it. It must be a dumb blonde thing.
Tom and Tim are worried. Their high rollers are not producing the gambling losses they need. Tom and Tim decide to visit John and Mark in their room. They invite John and Mark to a little private party later that day. Tom and Tim leave.
Now since there was really nothing going on in this entire episode MB decided to put our favorite black jack dealer Tommy in a few scenes. Tommy as we know has a big sh*t eating grin on his face most of the time. He also has a tendency to say stupid sh*t. So what does Tommy do? He picks his boss, Monique, as the person he is going to say something stupid to. Now, I don’t know Monique, but I know women like Monique. She is a ball busting b*tch. She has a chip on her shoulder. She is just looking for a reason to fire him. So in front of other employees Tommy asks Monique what she is doing after work. And he asks in way that makes it sound like he is asking our apprentice hooker for a date. Monique is offended. It is obvious to everyone but Tommy who proceeds to flash a dumb grin on his face and say additional inappropriate things. Monique eventually calls Tommy on the carpet for being a stupid little prick and then …..uh oh….nothing. I think she has hurt little Tommy’s feelings. Tommy gets an unscripted chance to talk to Tom. He requests a meeting. Tom agrees and says 5:30 is o.k. Tommy shows up for the meeting and Tom has already left for the day. That’s the end of that story line for this week.
We cut back to our apprentice hooker. She is arriving for her singing debut. She has memorized her words, well some of them anyway. She climes on stage and belts out the best off key rendition of “You Can’t Take That Away From Me” I have heard since Jasmine Trias, the greatest singer ever, won AI (sorry Bebo). Our apprentice hooker realizes that singing is not the talent her mouth is destined for. She decides to go find herself a pimp and get to work.
We cut back to our high rollers John and Mike. They are in a private game of black jack with Tom dealing. They show one hand and no dialog. Then cut back to the apprentice hooker….
WTF is this. I mean these high rollers are not high rollers. They are two plumbing supply salesmen from Toledo. Who has ever heard of a high roller that never goes to the casino and doesn’t gamble?
It takes apprentice hooker all of about 2 minutes to find the pimp. She finds out that she has passed the rigorous background screening process and he is ready to hire her. She can start work immediately. He doesn’t provide medical benefit but does pay for his girls to visit the doctor from “Deadwood” twice a month to get a little p*ssy cream. He has a customer who just wants a pretty young thing to sit by his side while he plays a little black jack. Oh and he is the 60th richest man in the world. That’s right! The 60th richest man in the world is sitting at a $10 black jack table all decked out in his worn blue jeans, flannel shirt and “Delco” baseball cap. Our apprentice hooker is thrilled. All she has to do is sit with him and make small talk and he will pay her money. After all, men do this all the time. They just want companionship.
So she sits for all of about 5 minutes before flannel shirt guy says “do you have a room in the hotel?”. Apprentice hooker answers in the positive.
For god sake she isn’t even smart enough to realize that if flannel shirt guy is rich, HE WOULD HAVE A ROOM.
Flannel shirt guy then says “ lets go up to your room and party”. Now you would figure that she would know by now what is going on, but no, she just refuses and says something about staying there and playing cards. Flannel shirt guy continues to ask her to go to her room and party.
After asking about 10 times.
BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM, it hits her. This guy thinks she is a hooker. Wow, what would make him think that. Even though her pimp set up the date, it never even occurs to her what her job is. Finally after the 10th time asking her to go to the room she responds with, “ what kind of a girl do you think I am?”.
“YOU’RE A F*CKING HOOKER!” I scream.
Our apprentice hooker then gets up and walks away. She tells us that may be she isn’t cut out for Vegas and implies that she is leaving. We hear Donald Trump scream “ apprentice hooker Jenn, YOUR FIRED” and her career as an apprentice hooker comes to and end. In the mean time Tom realizes the pimp is a pimp and has him and his ho’s escorted from the building.
Ok, so that is what I saw. You may have seen something different, but I don’t care. Actually I had to add a lot. Because there isn’t anything to this show. The plot lines are so thin it makes the writers of The Love Boat look like literary Guinness’.
Next week on The Casino……Nothing happens!
If there is anyone out there reading this, STOP WATCHING THIS PIECE OF CRAP SHOW!
Now on a personal note. As some of you may have noticed I have not been around for a few weeks. My employer finally blocked the URL to this web site. Since I don’t have internet service at home, I have not been able to log on. Not sure when or if I will be back. So I just wanted to say it’s been fun.
To those of you I have angered, sorry, I was actually trying to make you think about things differently. Not make you mad.
To those of you that I have made laugh, you’re welcome. I love to make people laugh.
To those that have made me laugh, thanks!
I have always enjoyed being a citizen of this community. I hope to be back someday.
This is WildChickenHunter (Super Model and Breezy's cabana boy) and his loving wife Cooker signing off for now.
If you need me I’ll be at the nudie bar!!!!!!!!!!!