Hey folks, it’s time for another summary of Messing With the Straights. I guess it's a little anti-climactic now since we won't be finding out how this ends up for a while, but I'm doing my duty nonetheless. Sorry it took so long.

When last we left Jackie, she had finally succeeded in eliminating one gay man, Alex. Alex was so boring that it was unclear if he was actually part of the show or only edited in as part of post-production so Jackie didn’t look like a total loser. But Jackie countered that success by eliminating a straight man, Ryan, who in 2 episodes managed to completely antagonize Banks, Eddie, and the entire viewing audience (which according to the latest Nielsens comes to about 100 viewers) before being axed. So that means Jackie’s batting a pathetic one for four and unless she can turn things around tonight, she might as well just go back to Hooterville and give up the cash for good.

We kick things off with nine of the ten remaining guys, who are sitting with Jackie drinking wine for some unexplained reason. Suddenly Daphne, the host who drops in every once in a while when things get slow appears and makes a “serious” announcement. Eddie, who you may recall made quite an impression last week by getting drunk on tequila, singing cute little Cuban soprano arias, and attempting to make out with Ryan in the hot tub, has quit the show. Jackie, who still doesn’t seem to realize that the whole point of the show is to eliminate obviously gay man like Eddie, says she’s really disappointed that Eddie just disappeared because she liked him so much. The other guys all seem puzzled by Eddie’s decision, but Bradley says that Eddie basically just didn’t feel comfortable and we’re all left hanging as to the reason. My guess: Eddie realized that this show is patently ridiculous and can’t possibly further any of his acting or singing ambitions. Either that or he’s already inked a deal with Fruit of the Loom.

In any event, Daphne now asks the remaining folks whether they think Eddie was straight or gay. Jackie thinks Eddie was straight. Apparently in rural Wisconsin straight men routinely get drunk, sing in high-pitched voices, jump into hot tubs wearing nothing but tightie whities, and then start licking the necks of other men in the tub. No wonder she’s having some trouble with this show. John, Chad, and Bradley also claim to have thought Eddie was straight, but I’m thinking maybe they just didn’t want to make Jackie feel bad.

Anyway, Jackie is completely stunned when Eddie is revealed to be gay. Because he was such an extroverted flirt, she just assumed he was straight. Hey Jackie, before you watch Will & Grace this Thursday I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Jack is gay. Chad is happy that Eddie’s gone. Jackie is frustrated that she can’t seem to figure out who is gay. She thought all she would have to do was look at which men were drinking decaf frappucinnos and crossing their legs (no I’m not making that up), but it’s turning out to be a little tougher. Jackie decides to hatch a plan: she’ll test the guys by flirting with them and seeing who flirts back. OK, now I’m confused. Didn’t we just establish that this didn’t work with Eddie?

In any event, we now get to watch several gratuitous clips of the nine remaining men wearing as little as possible while Jackie comments on whether or not she thinks they are gay. She decides Bill is straight, Banks is straight because he says he is, she can’t tell about Chris, Chad and John are straight, and Luciano is also straight. So is Sharif. They all seem straight to her. I assume that “all” includes Bradley and Lee who are apparently so irrelevant that they don’t even rate a mention.

Anyway, after a commercial it’s time for another breakfast in bed, this time with Chad. Jackie picks Chad because he has paid her very little attention to date. Chad says he’s there to win the game but that he’s nervous being around a beautiful woman. Guessing Chad hasn’t been around too many of those before, but come on Chad are they that different from beautiful men? Chad tells Jackie over breakfast that he ‘s well-rounded, likes art galleries, and is into women’s lib. Based on these bizarre statements, Jackie thinks Chad is strange and doesn’t get the sense that he really likes her. She seems overjoyed to see him leave. Chad of course thinks he’s doing great in the game. It’s clear he can’t read women at all, although it’s not clear if it’s because he’s a lying, faking gay boy or a pathetic loser straight boy.

While Chad does breakfast, the rest of the men are ordered to pack for a camping trip. Sharif announces that he hates camping because there are bugs and the ground is lumpy. Jackie has to pick four of the men to ride horses with her to the campsite. The other 5 have to lead the pack mules with all the supplies. Jackie picks John, Lee, Chris, and Bill because she has the most questions about their sexuality. I guess Chad must be off the hook for the time being. Off they ride while Luciano, by far the strongest man in the competition, complain about having to lead the mules. Think about it Lucy: if John and Chris were leading the mules they’d never make it to the campsite. Sharif thinks he was sent with the mules because he (along with Banks) are the most likely to win. That Sharif’s a smart one. Banks is ticked off that Sharif is using his music to woo Jackie. Banks is going to mention this fact about a hundred different times tonight, so don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to make sense yet.

John and Bill are riding with Jackie. They both can tell that she’s starting to watch them a lot more closely to try to see who is acting and who actually cares for her. As the men set up their tents and roast hot dogs, Jackie wanders out to “send the guys a message” that she’s watching them and the game is on. OK, so what was Jackie doing the first two episodes? Meanwhile, we get some ridiculous sexual innuendo as the men all announce in confessionals that they are straight at the same time we watch them chowing down on their weiners.

Sun sets. The crazy hillbilly actor they hired to take over when Daphne is getting work done shows up and invites Bill, Bradley, and Chris to have a romantic dinner together. All three instantly accept and seem slightly disappointed when they realize that Jackie will be joining them as well as it will prevent them from making googlie eyes at each other and setting up dates for after the wrap party. At the dinner, the three men all toast Jackie with their decaf frappucinnos. Jackie demonstrates that she has really picked up on a winning strategy by asking the gay guys, who should have a better sense of this, who they think is gay. Jackie also asks Bradley why he’s single. He says he was dumped about a year ago and is just now getting his toe back in the water. Jackie likes Bradley’s smile and flirting and refuses to believe that he is gay. Chris weighs in that Bradley is straight, but Bill thinks both Bradley and Chris are both gay. Jackie thinks Chris is friendly but worries about the fact that he doesn’t flirt with her. On the other hand, she’s convinced Bill is straight because he’s such a flirt. I guess he reminds her of Eddie. Hey Jackie what makes you think a gay man trying to win a million bucks won’t flirt with you? I tend to think a lot of elderly women would flirt with you if they thought it could win them a million bucks.

Meanwhile back at the campsite, Banks and John are talking about the fact that Banks shaves his legs. He thinks body hair is “gross” and “icky.” John thinks Banks is weird because John only shaves his face and trims his nose hair. There’s also some really lame sexual innuendo about keeping “other body parts” trimmed, but John and Banks are such pathetic losers that I think the less time we spend on this sequence the better. At this point I’m more than ready for whichever episode Banks breaks his arm.

Over dinner Jackie asks the three men if they would be offended if she said they were gay. They all say no. Bradley declares that he’s not even thinking about winning the million dollars. This is of course a little odd, since if Bradley were straight and he won the game, he would only get a half million dollars. Of course if Bradley were straight he probably wouldn’t bring a blow dryer to the game either . But I digress. Jackie, who for the first time in her life answers the Clue Phone, actually picks up on the faux pas and becomes very suspicious of Bradley because he seems a little more focused on the possibility that a gay guy might win the million than he is on her. After they leave Jackie, Bradley reports back to his homeboy Chris that he just destroyed his chances of winning the money. Chris tells Bradley to play it off by claiming that if he gets Jackie, it’ll be like they are sharing the million. And he gets the girl. This is unbelievably lame, but knowing Jackie it will probably work like a charm. Just be sure to smile while you say it Bradley and she’ll swoon just like the boys at your bar do when you’re working for tips.

Later that night, Banks and Sharif are sleeping together and…Oh wait let me clarify. Banks and Sharif are sleeping in the same tent. The crazy hillbilly actor comes out with a guitar (How handy that it was packed!) and asks Sharif to come use it to serenade Jackie in her private tent up the hill. The other guys are all ticked off about this. Jackie, however, is thrilled to see Sharif and greets him with a kiss. He’s doing better than Chad already. Jackie really wants Sharif to be sweet because he makes her all jittery inside. I’m listening to Sharif singing some song he wrote too and it’s making me all jittery too, but not in the same way. Sheesh. In a confessional, Sharif admits that he’s using the guitar for strategy and he’s really just here to get exposure for his music career. Somehow Sharif finagles his way into sleeping on the floor next to Jackie and spending the night for “protection.” This is the same Sharif who’s scared of bugs, but we’ll just go with it. Sharif leans in for the kiss, and Jackie’s heart is totally won over. She definitely feels the chemistry.

The next morning Sharif and Jackie brush their teeth together. Jackie finds even this to be romantic, but Sharif privately admits that his love for her is “nonexistent.” Jackie and Sharif walk down to camp arm in arm, which annoys the other eight guys to no end. Banks was kind of hoping that Sharif had gotten lost or eaten in the middle of the night. John wants to chop Sharif’s fingers off. And some guy named “Lee” who I think is either yet another contestant or some show commentator like Daphne and the crazy hillbilly says that Sharif is likely to be murdered. Chris volunteers.

Back at the house, Lucy helps Chris shave his neck hair in preparation for the upcoming Elimination Night. Chris think anybody but Banks or Sharif could go. John seems to think Lee will go next. Lucy wants John to leave because he’s really annoying. Both Lee and Lucy think that the Dinner Pail Boys from the night before are in trouble. Banks thinks Chad and Lee are going. Lucy would love for Banks to go because he’s a tough competitor and might be gay.

Time for the swing dates where Jackie gets to talk to two of the guys to try to figure out if they are gay or not. First up is Lee, who spends about 20 seconds talking to Jackie, equaling his combined total air time in the first three episodes. Jackie asks Lee who is gay, since she thinks he is smart. He picks Bill and Chris. Based on the date, Jackie concludes that Lee is straight. Since she’s now had a date with a smart guy, Jackie decides to “mix things up” since her “game is AWNN” (she really said that) by talking to the dumbest guy left, Bradley. She asks tough and probing questions and points out that Bradley messed up yesterday with his “million dollar” comment. Bradley tries to play dumb. Ooh, failed that acting audition there Brad. Better get back to bartending. Man this show is lame. Bradley doesn’t think the date went well, which shows at least that he’s more observant than Chad.

Back to the barn for another elimination. And Daphne is also back to explain the rules for anybody who missed the first two episodes and is still bothering to tune in. So we start with Sharif. Sharif is a little worried about whether he has chemistry with Jackie, but she dispels that in seconds, gives him a kiss, and asks him to stay. Next up is Luciano. Jackie loves his body and is naturally keeping him around for visual interest. John, despite being a freak of nature and saying he likes Jackie’s “inner beauty” also gets kept around. Banks follows John and also survives elimination. On to Lee. Bill thinks Lee’s “so boring he can’t be gay,” while the producers just consider him “so boring he can’t be on the show for more than 1 minute per episode.” Jackie says Lee is quiet and mysterious. I say Lee is boring and shorter than Jackie. But Jackie makes the decision to keep him around. I have no idea why.

So that leaves us with the only four people who have a chance at going tonight. Chad from the Breakfast date, and the Dinner Dudes—Bill, Brad, and Chris. Jackie calls up Chad next. Chad says he’s a great listener and that Jackie is very beautiful. He asks to stay and be her love slave. But Jackie’s having none of it. Girlfriend noticed that Chad was acting the whole time and she tells him flat out she thinks that he’s gay.

After a commercial break (Side note: Does anybody think it’s strange that people care more about finding out whether these guys are gay or straight than about who gets eliminated? There’s some sad commentary about society in that.), Chad reveals that he’s still an egotistical jerk by telling Jackie she made “the best decision of her life” by eliminating him. Yes, Chad is gay. Jackie’s relieved that she finally got one right. Banks and John are both shocked to learn that Chad was gay. I guess Chad never told them about his love for women’s lib and art galleries.

So we’re down to 3. Chris is up first. Bill says Chris is being kept around for comic relief. Jackie apparently agrees because he’s staying. Next is Bill. Jackie says she has doubts about Bill because he always looks so guilty at the eliminations. Bill tells her she looks amazing. She says he’s a tough guy to read, but she would like him to stay.

That leaves only Bradley, who knows he’s the next one out. He tells Jackie that he’s had a great time getting to know her, which is all he really wanted out of the game. Aw, how sweet. Here I thought all these guys just did the show for the media exposure. But Jackie has one last little surprise—she only has to eliminate one guy tonight since Eddie quit, so Bradley gets to stay. Jackie privately admits that Bradley is very lucky Eddie quit because otherwise he definitely would have gotten the ax. But instead he survives for another day.

Back at the house, Chad reflects on his time playing it straight. Jackie is thrilled that she picked up on the fact that Chad was acting. Chad is upset he lost, but he’s going back to his boyfriend so he’s pretty happy. He hated lying to her while looking into her eyes, so he’s kind of glad to be eliminated.

So at this point it seems pretty likely that Banks and Sharif will be going to the end. If you want to bother to tune in to this show next summer or whenever it burns off the final episodes you can watch the guys go to Vegas and see Jackie make them all enter a swimsuit competition and kiss her. Until then, I wouldn't advise dating any of the 8 guys left because, well, you just never can tell.