Webby wrote to me today to ask me if I was still writing the Forever Eden Episode 2 Summary.Having watched Episode One, I was surprised to find out there was an Episode 2.
But I’m a man of my word. So I watched Episode 2.
Hated it.
I want them all to die. Every last stinkin one of em. Eviceserate them, expunge them from the chain of evolution. They are a sin against humanity, and against all that is holy. Damnable Fox executives.
Oh, and the cast sucks, too.
If you want to find out what happened in Episode 1, you should click here to read the excellent summary by Estee. She can apparently identify these bland, moronic attention whores, while their identities are completely unbeknownst to me.
In fact, I find myself sitting here at the keyboard wishing I could read Estee’s summary of Episode 2, because it would be funny as heck, and I’d be off the hook. But no. I'm a DAW, and stupidly volunteer to write summaries whenever I see a opportunity. The good news is, I'm cured. Never again.
But alas, alack; I must write this one.
The show begins with a shot of hostess Ruth England, who has a convenient English accent. That's so the Fox viewer can identify her when she returns. I’m immediately grateful Ruth Mesopotamia was unavailable for this gig.
Ruthie reminds us that eleven people have journeyed to this place of incredible beauty and unparralled luxury, but she’s not quite precise on the actual location. Or even the continent. Quite possibly, they are in Burbank, California. The contestants have all left their friends and families loved ones and fantastic lives and crappy jobs and abusive alcoholic lovers who force them to perform sex acts on the neighbors so they can post the pictures on the internet.
In other words, they are all looking for someplace to hide. …And do nothing. …And get paid for it. …And be so adored by the viewers that Fox builds an entire spin-off show about them, propelling them to the cover of People magazine and the chance to meet fabulous stars like Justin Guarini and Jeff Varner.
They each get four crappy gold coins, and can accumulate more each week. There’s no telling how much, 'cause this show will never end. Unless it ends tonight, which would be my choice.
Each week someone gets banished, and then someone new will enter the show. Oh great. Eleven indistinguishable idiots, and now they promise revolving morons. Just for the record, tonight I’m banishing myself, and don’t wait for the Ghost Tribe.
We learn that Mary, a blond bimbo that doesn’t drink and screw around (And I thought such creature was just a legend), has the power to send one of the men home.
You see, In Episode 1, the men voted Mary “Least Desirable”, which is another way of saying “Least Likely to get Drunk Enough to Have Animalistic Sex With Us All, Even the Short Hairy Bald Guy.” And so verily Hobson the ArchButler delivered unto Mary the forbidden fruit. A freakishly large Granny Smith Apple. A Grandiose Smith Apple. A 260-pound fruit, and it’s not Richard Hatch.
The freakfruit can be good or evil, but tonight it means Mary has the power to banish one of the shallow and evil guys. No, not the Fox executives. Those drunken creeps who are only interested in her flowing blonde hair, her small firm butt, her large chest. OK, those are the Fox executives. But I am specifically referring to Muscles, Teeth, ShortHairyBald, DirtyFeet and CuteDude, the male cast members.
And take heart, Estee. Page 3 and I haven’t even made it to the opening credits yet!
So Fox does the opening, some brak brak brak explaining the format of the show and what happened last night. And they flash the episode title on the screen: “Reap What You Sow” Part 2. File that away for future reference.
We finally get going…
Tai Chi exercises, and then at breakfast Mary solicits opinions from the other women. She reflects on being hurt by the unanimous vote. We flashback to the men filling out their ballots, and their previous interaction with Mary.
Over at the men’s table, they are discussing how weird women are. Then they go off to do cannonballs in the pool.
Some of the guys begin pumping the other women for information, and Kassie tells Michael she’s working to keep him around. Then we get a flashback to a scene that took place 3 minutes and 40 second earlier. ShortAttentionSpan Theatre is bad enough, now Fox thinks we are all Alzheimer’s patients? This was necessary? I guess Kassie said something nice about Michael, and now we’re supposed to think she’s got a Mandingo fantasy.
Mary arrives at the pool, and the men begin to tremble with fear. All except Craig, who stands rippling in the pool. Wait, he stands in the rippling pool, rippling. He’s posing, and he’s been posing, and he looks so pathetically desperate for attention I want to gouge him with Matt’s teeth. Thankfully, we cut to commercials , which are preceded by a quick preview of men pleading their case with Mary, and the decision, and a twist, and women go into heat when a new male contestant arrives …
When we return, the men are pleading their case with Mary. Over a group lunch, Matt begins to suggest a strategy to Mary, but instead asks that they move away from the others first. While the other men watch from 200 feet away, Matt the software salesman gives his best spiel. He admits they’ve had problems between the two of them, but he’s been honest about it and wants to put it behind them. It’s those other guys who are evil because they pretended to like you and voted for you anyway.
Later David, the supposedly cute guy, wants Mary to tell him what Matt said. Mary counters that if David has something to fess up, now is the time. David says he has nothing to say. Then he he proceeds to kiss her stairmastered butt by saying that he didn’t dislike her, and they all thought she was a very nice girl. Craig and Jordan join in on this MaryLove Toe Suck, and frankly, it is transparent and disgusting. Craig grovels, Shawna giggles at him, and even Jordan is embarrassed for him.
Michael, to his credit, refuses to go and bow down before Mary. It’s a black thing, I guess. I don’t know. Never seen one.
Dramatic music swells, the sun sets, and everybody prepares for dinner . In the bar, Craig grovels some more, and Mary brushes him off.
Craig wanders over to Michael and says “she does not have enough game to vote me off… I’m borderline psychotic… I go on the vibe, and I’m very very rarely wrong.”
At dinner, Mary asks Michael why he’s not groveling. He says his people groveled at whitey’s feet for 200 years and he’s black and he’s proud and he’s not going kiss white chik a$$, unless she’s got a Mandingo Fantasy.
Craig comes in and has oops, conveniently forgotten to button his shirt over his rock hard bulging abs. And, look his butt flexes… and he’s coquettishly flashing his thong. The other women hoot at his preening, but Mary can’t even look at him. Later she’s bitchy to Matt, throwing his own trash talk back in his face. He’s so nervous his voice cracks.
Off to the first Banishment Ceremony.
Mary is holding the envelope that came with the apple. She tells Ruth (remember her? I don’t) that her perspective has changed. Ruth tells her to go to the man she has chosen, and give the envelope to him. The men sweat in fear, and Mary steps toward the guys…
Cut to commercials… back from commercials.
Off to the first Banishment Ceremony.
Mary is holding the envelope that came with the apple. She tells Ruth (remember her? I don’t) that her perspective has changed. Ruth tells her to go to the man she has chosen, and give the envelope to him. The men sweat in fear, and Mary steps toward the guys…
Did that sound familiar? Well Fox made us watch it twice, so you pay the price.
Mary hands the envelope to Craig, the muscle-bound pathetic groveler. Flashback to his prediction that she won’t vote him off.
Mary says she chose Craig because the first day he said he had a girlfriend at home and yet he’s been trying to get in her pants since. And he’s been flaunting himself. Somehow that suggests a lack of moral character in a guy, but works OK if you are a hot blonde Mormon chick. And mostly, because he was the only one who befriended her, and thus the only one who qualifies to be a two-faced liar.
Ruth tells Craig he is banished, but that Mary has new choice:. She is to choose one card from a tray the ArchButler is holding, either Banish or Spare, and she is to keep her choice secret.
She chooses, and Ruth asks Craig to read the contents of the envelope. It says:
Neener, Neener! We gotcha!
If you pick Banish, and we know you did,
you get Banished, too!
Ha Ha. Ya biotch. Next time, drink up, baby!
Now Ruth has Mary reveal the card she chose, and yup, it says Banish. All the others are stunned, Mary is angry, Craig is laughing. They are told to give half their gold coins to another player. Mary chooses Neeven, Craig chooses David.
Hugs. Tears. Handshakes. Craig takes Mary’s hand, and they walk off the set. In confessional, Craig says it is karma, Mary says she has no regrets.
Away we go to commercials…
…when we return, the remaining players are drinking heavily and tearfully recalling the fine times and strong bond they had with complete strangers that they disliked. Sickening.
Kassie and Neeven realize they are in a game, and it is making their heads hurt. And before the corpse of their dear friend Mary is cold, they lay claim to her room. And the men dispute it. So they settle it with a stupid finger game, which requires counting to 21. A big cheer when they count that high!!
Sad times are over, and let’s play truth or dare. David gets dared to kiss Kassie, who squirms violently in anticipation. Shawna kisses Michael (Mandingo Fantasy #3), but he leaves with his arm around Kassie. Brooke gives Jordan a lapdance, and Shawna urges her to get naked. David gets dared to do a strip tease.
Cut to Kassie and Michael on the bed together, cut to Brooke and Jordan and Shawna and David all snuggling in bed together… will the clothes come off? Back to Michael and Kassie, and she decides to spend the night.
Where’s Matthew? Running back and forth from window to window and breathing heavily.
More commercials, preceded by clips that reveal everything about to happen.
When we return, nothing happens.
OK, they wake up hung over. Kassie and Neven move into Mary’s room. Then Brooke and Kassie decide to start drama, and don’t care whether they win, as long as they go home with money. They start drinking heavily. Again.
Enter the ArchButler (whose name is revealed as Simon). He gives them all four more crappy coins, and they cheer. Over a few crappy thousand dollars. The Screen Actors Guild is making sure Simon makes more money just delivering painted aluminum trinkets to these yo-yos.
Later at breakfast (huh?), the girls and guys are separated into two groups, and are speculating on the incoming contestants. The first boat has an Average Joe 2.5 himbo castoff: Wallace, 28, former (read: failed) pro soccer player. He burns his passport, and joins the other guys. The girls hoot and holler and wet themselves. One even gushes: “He looks like Justin Timberlake.”
Enter the next raft, and it’s a tall blonde girl in a white bikini. The girls get out their claws, the boys get out something else pointy. Say hello to Elizabeth, or Liz, 23, a sales representative with six-pack abs. The girls are externally warm and welcoming, but wary and defensive in confessional. As Matt promises, “There’s gonna be a catfight. Literally.”
Enter Ruth. Who? Ruth “Queen of” England, the hostess. She approaches the girls and tells them one is about to be banished. Oh Mi God!!!!
Cut to commercials… back from commercials.
Enter Ruth. Who? Ruth “Queen of” England, the hostess. She approaches the girls and tells them one is about to be banished. Oh Mi God!!!!
Yes, they did that again. And now Ruth elaborates. One of the remaining original five women is going home, and one man will determine who that will be. Remember how the men chose the “Least Desirable” as in “Least Likely to get Drunk Enough to Have Animalistic Sex With Us All, Even the Short Hairy Bald Guy” ?
Now the girl must select the “Most Desirable” Guy, as in “The Richest One Who Doesn’t Have Large Protruding Teeth or is Short Hairy and Balding, Preferably The New Guy Because He Looks Like Justin Timberlake.”
The women must vote before the end of breakfast.
The guys look on and fret over what’s going on.
The vote is taken, the decision is made.
We see Simon delivers the Grandiose Smith Apple.
Who is the Most Desirable?
Who is the Dog?
Who laughs?
Who crys?
Who will watch next Monday?
Not me. I’ll be having my eyes scraped.
These reality show contestants need a reality check!
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Awesome job, TJ! 
Created by the amazing J Slice!
My favorite part was: 
SilverStar 