LAST EDITED ON 03-11-04 AT 06:51 PM (EST)

Once upon a time, there was a reality show.

Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there.

Time passed, and there were many, many reality shows, all offering their contestants the chance to humiliate themselves before the people in that show’s special way. Whether it was because they were unable to read directions, lacked anything vaguely resembling social skills, couldn’t spot a clue if it was jumping up and down in front of them wearing a special hint-covered jumpsuit from the Not-Anderson collection, had never learned the difference between gas and diesel tanks, or had once dated Fabio, anyone could come forward for their apportioned dose of self-dispensed agony. And it was good.

Well, it wasn’t good, but it did keep us occupied.

And then one day, a reality TV producer had a thought. (Since he was a producer for FOX, the novelty of it almost overwhelmed him – but unhappily, his near-total lack of short-term memory protected him from being lost in an endless loop of amazement at his own mental prowess.) And the thought was this: throughout the storied history of reality television, people had only been allowed to humiliate themselves for a set period of time. Thirteen episodes, gone. Seven episodes, gone. Two-part ‘special’ due to complete lack of sponsor interest combined with a desperate need to recoup any part of the costs – gone. Oh, sometimes they would come back in a different series, and the thought of an all-star lineup of stupidity, arrogance, and future parasitic infections had occurred to some, but for the most part – gone.

And the producer, who didn’t understand how the viewers really felt about the contestants, decided this was a bad thing.

‘Let us gather a new group of people to humiliate,’ he said. ‘Let us promise them that they can stay on our reality show for as long as they can manage to please us – and of course, the only thing that can please us will be their humiliation. And for those who truly debase themselves, the reward will be just as we promised. They can stay – and stay – and stay – until such time as ratings do them part. And the viewers will tune in week after week, wanting only to see if the contestants can find even greater depths to sink to, and we will never be miserly in passing out the underwater drills…’

Well, actually, he just said ‘Must fill hole on Thursday nights until CSI and Apprentice die out. Must be really, really cheap. Must put saved money into own pocket, new toupee, and trophy wife.’ But the writers understood what he meant.

And thus, a few months later, a relative innocent looked at the Other Shows discussion boards, saw a new series starting up which had the curious title of Forever Eden, and foolishly volunteered to write the first summary, still under the delusion that the more pain which was suffered through, the better the chances of getting on the Survivor 9 list.

And was I ever dumb.

But – I’m stuck with it. And really, it’s only an hour. How much stupidity could FOX possibly air in an hour? Admittedly, about six times as much as any other network can manage during that span, but it’s still a finite amount. I’ve listened to sports talk radio for longer periods. Of my own free will, no less. How bad could this be?

…did anyone else hear thunder just now?

Huh. Must have been a truck backfiring.

Just be warned: this is going to be long. We’re establishing a new series, such as it is, and as such, there’s a lot of groundwork to lay. (Just think: in April, after the cancellation is announced, a future generation may come here to learn exactly where things started to go wrong.) Pushing Play…

We open with the background of Generic Tropical Paradise #15 and a computer graphic showing a snake encircling a obviously steroid-fortified Granny Smith. I didn’t realize the Washington Red Consortium was too powerful to offend…

And here’s our host. We’re going to be seeing a lot of her. Come to think of it, she’s going to be seeing a lot of this show and very little of the rest of the world. When your show’s potential run time is ‘forever’, scheduling vacation time is a problem.

‘Welcome to Eden – a place you’ve only ever dreamed of,’ says our host, Ruth England, whose accent is exactly what you’d expect from that last name and whose wardrobe is exactly what you’d expect from FOX: minimal. (Her introduction is performed by a green bar on the screen with a small snake-apple recap off to the left.) ‘This is a unique television experiment. A reality show without an end.’

(Pause while the summary writer experiences a moment of horrific synergy between the baseline Forever Eden concept and The Truman Show, followed by a desperate scramble for the TV listings. Happily, there’s no twenty-four hour bar streaming across the page with the note ‘Forever Eden continues’ and the subscript ‘Special reports on increase in suicide rate may break into regularly scheduled programming.’ Pushing Play…)

‘The goal is to stay here as long as possible,’ Ruth tells us while the camera provides shots of Generic Tropical Resort With Nothing Available To Do #12. ‘For the longer you stay in Eden, the more money you’ll make.’ (Shot of the apple snake moving through faux gold coins. Apparently theft won’t be much of a risk.) We’re then reminded of the basic concept again – you can stay three weeks, months, years, as long as you can follow whatever the rules turn out to be – and the money will keep piling up. (A little bit redundant early, but they’re trying to establish their base, so it’s somewhat forgivable.) This is followed by shots of a few contestants arriving by pole-powered bamboo raft. The one being steered by Mogo Mogo makes it to shore without difficulty, while the Sabogan one dissolves in midstream and dumps its passenger into the river. For some reason, those coming in on the Chapera transport can’t seem to leave it fast enough.

The contestants then have to sever their ties with friends, family, and the world outside the resort, represented by having them burn a few things in a ceremonial fire. Pictures. Passports. Driver license. Proof of citizenship. Birth certificate. Just those nagging little details that would ordinarily keep FOX from being able to claim them as slaves and own everything they say and do for the rest of their miserable lives. (To be fair, that’s arguably better than trying to get through all the forms and lines required to get those documents back, but still…) The new pieces of property will have all their needs taken care of, except for those that relate to friends, family, and being able to establish a legal existence. But will they be able to deal with the twists and turns of trying to stay in – Eden?

I swear that was thunder.

The opening credits roll, and we’re treated to pictures of the cast captured in the apple as snakes slither by. (They’re really giving this theme an early workout.) We’re also treated to Entry #2 in that sparkling-new Emmy category, ‘Worst Theme Song’ -- for a given value of ‘treated’ – and Teen Titans now has serious competition. As far as my senses were willing to continue operation, it seemed to go something like this.

You were waiting on tables
No one would cosign a loan
You couldn’t think of other options
So you picked up the telephone
You’re stuck on Fox now, enslaved to the box now
Worse than a bio-dome
The sewer’s your new home

And now, a special programming note: since thirty percent of the time in any FOX reality show is spent in telling you what’s going to happen in five minutes, what happened five minutes ago, and in case you’ve gotten caught up in the show, what the normal definition of ‘five minutes’ is as opposed to the stretched-out perception of time that takes place during any period of barbaric torture, I will not be summarizing the precaps, recaps, and ‘It’s amazing how many replays we got in the first day’ fillers unless they’re essential to the plot. This is because we’re on Page X and we haven’t hit the actual episode yet. You’ll thank me later.

Let’s meet the cast, shall we?

Huh. There’s no ‘Meet the cast’ piece in the airtime. About a minute of precap to open with, but no ‘These are their names, this is what they do for a living, and how about a key quote for the audience?’ section. Odd… Nothing that can’t be worked around, though. Let me put the VCR on Pause and I’ll head over to FOX’s website.

(silence)

(more silence)

(bluescreen)

(distinct non-silence, and let’s just leave it at that)

(reboot)

(silence)

FOX has – age and hometowns. Nothing else.

Regardless, sentients and gentlebeings, let’s meet the generic twenty-something eye candy! Since we haven’t been told anything about their personalities, we’ll have to distinguish them by their Appearance Flaw, which will give us that vital handle on their complete lack of interesting qualities and allow us to judge them the way they judge the rest of the universe. (Of course, very few – if any – of these are actual flaws, but at least the contestants will have something to base their entire image of the others on.) Shall we begin?

Naveen is 21, and works as a disk jockey. (Thanks, Google!) She’s from Salem, Oregon. Standard sources of entertainment seem to be few and far between in Eden, so we shouldn’t have to worry about her playing any records backward. (Would someone please explain to the under-fifteens what a ‘record’ is?) Her AF is a navel piercing.

Brooke is 22 and hails from Mankato, Minnesota. Her claimed profession is ‘office manager’. If she wants to stay in this game for long, ‘kindergarten cop’ would have been more useful. Her AF is being brunette in a blonde world.

Shawna, at the mere age of 25, is the pride of Nashville’s professional cheerleading squadrons. And at the mere age of 26, she’ll be the ‘why didn’t she retire in her prime?’ embarrassment of Nashville’s professional cheerleading squadrons. Her AF is prominent cheekbones.

Mary, 25, used to manage a sports club, but is now looking to put a little more color in her life. (This may be literal.) She was originally from Salt Lake City, but just came in from Scottsdale, Arizona. (This may explain a lot.) Her AF is color blindness, being treated during the course of the show.

Kassie is a country singer at the tender age of 21, and will be an American Idol rejectee at the tender ages of 22, 23, 24, 25… Her AF is three extra pounds when considered by professional modeling agencies.

Khalilah is 23, from Boston, currently between jobs, and not even remotely recognized by my spellchecker. Her AF is six-inch high eyebrows.

Craig is the senior citizen of the group. Twenty-eight years old. For FOX, that’s not only collecting Social Security, but making monthly checks on your funeral co-pay plan. He’s not quite past his peak years as a fitness model, though. Must be that dry air in Scottsdale, Arizona. (Hmmm. The entire country to choose from and we’ve got two from the Reality Capital Of The World. FOX knows just where to go for their humiliation quota, don’t they?) His AF is a jaw square enough to crack rock.

Jordan is 26 and claims ‘New York, New York’ as a birthplace, which translates directly to ‘Manhattan’, because anyone from one of the other boroughs is actually happy to admit it in public without resorting to code. He’s a waiter. And – he’s a screenwriter! And – he was three thousand miles from where that combination actually proves effective one time in fifty thousand! Let us all be thankful that Jordan didn’t try out for The Amazing Race, or we’d still be waiting for him to get out of that Moroccan prison. His AF is a receding hairline, but reconstruction efforts are underway.

David is 24. He was originally from Lexington, Kentucky, but called Houston his home before moving into the hotel set. He’s still a professional student, which means that waiting around for people to give him money for waiting around should be right up his alley. His AF is Simpsons overbite.

Matt, 23, used to be from Brookline, Massachusetts, but he was living in Hoboken, New Jersey until the opening credits rolled. He used to work as a software salesperson, so watch out for some very skilled false promises and always read his user agreement before clicking anything. His AF is a combined MA and NJ accent, which shouldn’t even be possible, but there it is.

And lastly, Michael also 23, is a YMCA program director from Mission, Kansas. This could mean just about anything, but don’t expect Village People choruses any time soon. His AF is being really, really good-looking. It’s a curse.

Everything else, we’ll have to learn as they go along.

The Edenists (rhymes with ‘hedonists’, if just barely) are first shown walking towards the hotel’s major set piece, the Banishment Temple. (Think of an exceptionally short Mayan step pyramid, made with the intent of sacrificing victims at the top.) Jordan confessional-tells us that he won’t miss the four-degree NYC winters, but he will miss his friends. Jordan, no matter how much you repeat it to yourself, telling Robert DeNiro his table was ready did not give you a close personal relationship.

Mary (c-t introduced with the snake-apple symbol on the left – again) doesn’t know what she’s getting into at all. Somewhere in the world, a massage therapist named Nicole nods and doesn’t know why.

Naveen wants to let us know that females love to hate her, and she can be catty right back. Naveen, this is an equal-opportunity show. Give the males a chance to hate you too, okay?

Brooke is just worried about how she’s going to get by in Eden. Critical hint, Brooke: when someone asks you if you want to eat an apple, you say ‘No’.

Matt uses his first c-t to tell us he’s a mama’s boy. And he means that in every sense of the term. Before he came on the show, he called his mother at least once a day and if she had her way, he’d have a radio receiver implanted in his middle ear. Can you hear her now? Too bad. His main concern about being on the show apparently centers around whether he’s actually been weaned. It’s been rumored that Mom said he was, but she’d say anything to make him happy, and he’s been feeling these cravings… Somewhere in the world, a commercial actor named Colby smiles warmly and doesn’t know why.

Craig wants us to know he’s a very well-rounded individual. He has a college education, reached the rank of Captain in the U.S. Army, and used to work as a stockbroker. This is like having a Playboy centerfold introduce herself by talking about her skills in freestyle poetry. She’s likely telling the absolute truth, but her needing to establish herself intellectually in the first five seconds says dismal things about the way she’s usually regarded. And let’s be fair: half the female viewership – and ten percent of the males – were saying ‘Don’t worry, Craig, you can be anything you like as long as you just stand a little closer to the camera.’

Shawna does not choose to discuss iambic pentameter. Instead, her crucial bit of information concerns her never having been away from her family and friends for more than a week, and this whole potential ‘forever’ idea has her slightly out of sorts. Relax, Shawna: in the worst-case scenario, you’ll only be on the show for the rest of your natural lifespan, and after that, there really won’t be much worth worrying about.

It’s amazing how much we’re learning early on, isn’t it?

Ruth – remember Ruth? – is waiting for the group at the Banishment Temple, and proceeds to explain the game again for the failed graduates of Short Attention Span Theatre: i.e. FOX’s ideal viewing audience. All the contestants have made great sacrifices to be here -- outside contact, privacy, existence as free citizens of the United States – and their goal is to stay as long as possible, lest they walk back into the real world and be deported from their own country for lack of documentation. The reward for doing so is pretty simple. Just for making it to the show, each contestant will receive a small blue bag containing four pieces of delicious Italian chocolate candy money. (Somewhere in the world, a swimsuit model named Jenna takes off her blouse and doesn’t know why.) These pieces can be redeemed for one thousand dollars (mini-brak) each. The longer the contestants stay, the more coins they get. In the end, assuming a consistent salary structure (consistent? FOX?) it could work out to about $4,000 a week, or a yearly salary of $208,000 before taxes for appearing on a reality TV show once a week with no vacation, no personal days, and no health care plan. In other words, as far as reality shows go, the payoff stinks.

But wait – there’s less!

If a contestant is banished from Eden by means-to-be-determined, they forfeit half their fortune --

Okay. There’s a penalty for being kicked out. Fair enough. So you stay around as long as possible, and when you absolutely have to reconnect with reality, you cash in your chocolate, spend five years in the Department Of Motor Vehicles lines, and resume your hard-won existence, presuming anyone remembers who you were.

-- and if you leave voluntarily, you give up every cent you’ve earned.

So. Let’s review. The longer you stay, the more money you get. No contact with the outside world is permitted, so you can’t actually spend, invest, pass along, or give away any of the money – but it does keep accumulating, which means that a long-time Edenist might be able to play Scrooge McDuck in an exceptionally shallow kiddie pool. If you decide you’ve had enough and head for the door, it’ll be worth exactly nothing. But if you take the more intelligent move of getting everyone mad enough to banish you from Eden by means-to-be-determined, you’ll get to keep fifty percent of your earnings, which, assuming consistent rewards (consistent? FOX? Twice in one summary?), means you’ve earned $104,000 a year. Before taxes. Local, state, and federal. So realistically, let’s call that $55,000 a year with a good accountant, the use of whom will then make it $54,000 a year.

Total humiliation and debasement of the self for, in the best-case scenario, $54,000 a year. As opposed to hiring professional actors to play out such scenes at basic SAG rates, which would be – more. For potential twenty-four/seven camera time, much, much more.

Sentients and gentlebeings, welcome to the cheapest, tightest-fisted, most miserly reality show of all time. No one with a math degree need apply.

Fortunately, Ruth has only a typical FOX assemblage to deal with, so she doesn’t have to worry about anyone catching on. All she has to do is explain that the producers know everything there is to know about the Edenists – obviously, they’ve consulted their own website – and they may use that knowledge to test (read: humiliate) the players at any given time. Such as in tests for banishments. Or – not said, not implied, and probably not really possible – in games for additional prizes. Or because there’s not much available in the way of reading material, conventional games, interesting activities, radio broadcasts, televisions, or campfire songs in Eden, and they’re going to get bored easily.

At least one person will be banished per week – and the implications are clear in that one, up to and including ‘do this or we wipe the slate clean and you all go home’ if the ratings start to sink. Edenists are fungible.

No, not ‘fungus’. ‘Fungible.’ It was a natural mistake, though.

The contestants are then offered a chance to back out immediately – sans $4,000, naturally – and, after a series of quick camera shots used to remind us what the faces of people after $54,000 a year look like, the dramatic moment ends with absolutely no one realizing how little they’re playing for. Everyone decides to stay, and Ruth concludes their official welcome by sending them off to dinner.

And that’s where the camera heads, with the computer editing in a contestant’s name and the left-side snake-apple when a player speaks, as long as the producer’s coin landed on ‘heads’. (They paid $300 for that graphic and they’re trying to get it down to one cent per use in the first year.)

Michael encourages everyone to loosen up. Mary, being from Salt Lake City and the proud possessor of the Fisherman’s Hat Of Saline Sobriety, isn’t doing as much loosening as the others: in other words, she’s not trying to get drunk off the (presumed) cheap champagne. The others don’t quite seem to understand how alcohol could exist on the outside of a person’s life, and try to demonstrate the standard solution. Mary continues to not drink. The rest of the players conclude they need to do still more drinking to help her get the idea.

Mary: ‘Do you know how many calories are in that beer you’re drinking?’ (And you thought they only taught rote religious rationales in SLC schools.)
Matt: ‘Yeah, but if it doesn’t affect me…’ (Make a note of it: alcohol does not affect Matt. At least, not that he can remember.)
Mary: ‘It does. And alcohol eats muscle tissue also.’ (This does not mean Craig’s brain is in double jeopardy.)
Craig: ‘I’m the only one who actually, like, came here with a girlfriend.’ (Which may only be because it’s too late…)
Shawna: ‘Did you like make a pact? Did you promise that you weren’t going to do anything while you were gone?’ (‘Have you found the places which have the most camera shadows on your own yet, or would you like me to show them to you?’)
Craig: ‘Well, there are certain things that I’m not supposed to do, obviously.’ (‘Thanks, but I saw Joe Millionaire, and as a retired Army captain, I know how a wayward sound can betray you to the enemy.’)
Shawna: ‘What?’ (No man says no to Shawna!)
Craig: ‘Those are just the rules!’ (He’s not henpecked, people, he’s loyal. His intelligence remains questionable for having come on this show in the first place, but he’s loyal. We have the first official non-slam of a contestant in place. Is it possible to get a rooting interest going?)
Mary: ‘When I got here off the plane, I was like, wow, I’ve never seen so many black people in my whole entire life, on this island. I was like, wow, this is cool! – Khalilah, it’s not offensive for me to refer to you as a black person, right?’

…

Pause! Sidebar!

Let’s look at Mary for a moment – and, in a very rare moment, let’s be fair. (Don’t expect this to happen again.) She’s originally from Salt Lake City. The Oversized Temple By The Gargle Pond does not have a high African-American population, and you can say the same thing about Utah as a state. I don’t know about Scottsdale as a whole, but since we’ve never seen a black contestant from the Reality TV Capital Of The World, let’s assume for the purposes of this discussion that it’s pretty Cauked up.

It is quite possible that Mary is telling the truth. She was raised in an environment where melanin was not in large supply, and this is the first chance she’s really had to associate with people outside her own skin tone. It’s possible, if you squint hard, to read her statement as having a certain childlike innocence. She may not mean anything bad by this. She’s just as amazed as a three year-old comparing hands for the first time. Bigotry is not a certainty here.

Out of fairness – and again, this isn’t going to happen again any time soon -- don’t make the judgment call just yet. (Somewhere in the world, a woman named Omarosa screams at everyone around her, then claims it’s their fault for making her feel bad, and doesn’t know why. Or care.) Pushing Play…

Khalilah: ‘No, because I’m black. The bottom line is, you look at me, you see a black girl. Whatever you say to me is not going to be offensive to me.’ (Michael, also black, looks mildly surprised by all the statements during a camera fly-by. Naveen, whom I’m guessing as being of Arabic descent, is the one who actually seems offended.)

Mary goes on to say she grew up with no black people around her, and never really even had a conversation with a black person until she was twenty years old. The rest of the table looks progressively scandalized, with Michael starting to take on a decidedly weary expression – and finally, we reach the first commercial break.

That’s right. For the third time in three summaries, the first commercial break.

Don’t worry. It speeds up from here.

It’s the next morning, and everyone’s decided to take a morning swim at the pool. Nothing very important happens here. Kassie treats everyone to her version of the ‘Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!’ mantra from The Nutty Professor on sighting Craig in his swimsuit (who looks nothing like either version of Eddie Murphy, so Kassie may have been getting her movies mixed), and everyone just has some old-fashioned fun in and around the pool while the producers get the snake-apple graphic down to $1.50 per appearance. The players are actually enjoying their stay in Eden. This is an intolerable state of affairs which cannot be allowed to continue.

Naveen and Kassie walk away from the pool, chatting with subtitle assists. Naveen wants to go down the line and rate the men. Kassie has to go down the line, because she doesn’t know their names. No problem, Kassie: as the ideal FOX audience, you don’t have to know names, personalities, strategy, or have any plans for your own future in the game. You just have to try not to drool on the remote.

Michael is rated as ‘doable’ as ninety percent of the female population agrees. Jordan is reckoned to have enough hair on his chest to attempt dreadlocks with. (Okay, how was I supposed to use that for his AF? He had a shirt on in the website picture!) David is distinguished by a mockery of his overbite, but is also regarded as cute because, as Kassie says, ‘He seems crazy’, which tells you everything you’ll ever need to know about Kassie’s love life. Naveen can’t tell if Craig has a brain. Oh, well. He tried…

Well, the women certainly seem to be having fun discussing the appeals of the men. (And as we all know, women speaking openly about how men look is not sexist. But not the other way around. Remember that, males. You are being watched. Yes, it’s a double standard. Nyah-nyah!) Shall we make this a Fair And Balanced Reality Show and get some equal time going?

Of course! This is FOX!

After a quick snake-shot, Ruth gathers the males, and shows them The Granny Smith Of Potential Doom. ‘Men of Eden,’ she announces, ‘this is the Apple of Eden.’ After everyone shakes the stem, makes a proper introduction, and offers to soak the oversized fake fruit in Mary’s unused champagne, Ruth goes on to explain Problem #1. The apple can represent Good (not likely) or Evil (ratings!). Contestants may receive the apple at any time, but they won’t know which fate it’s indicating until they’re prompted or take a really, really wild guess based on FOX’s history with reality shows to date. And if any of them had seen a single episode of those shows, they wouldn’t be here. (Excepting Craig, of course. He was a stockbroker, you know.) But the apple will always represent a test.

In this case, the men must decide which of Eden’s female populace is the least desirable, casting their final votes by the next day’s breakfast. The apple will then be delivered to that person’s bedroom, along with a ‘consequence’. The sort of ‘consequence’ that could affect the whole game, if not Ruth’s inability to make us tell whether she’s speaking to the players or directly to the camera. The women cannot be told about what the men have been asked to do.

The male Edenists immediately try to present the apple to Ruth. This does not work.

They then try to cut it into two halves, one reading ‘For the least’ and the other ‘desirable’, figuring to present the ‘least’ half to Shawna, asking her to pass it on to the Predators when she gets home, and settling on the ‘desirable’ half themselves. This fails to work when the fake apple turns out to be indestructible and completely free of writing.

The men are stuck. Ruth tells them to enjoy their stay (oooh, hint!), and the selection process begins.

Michael and Matt talk the matter over during a game of billiards. Matt wants to go with Naveen and Mary. (If possible, both at once.) Michael’s not sure what’s going on with Mary and the whole ‘you’ve sure got a lot of melanin there, don’t you?’ routine. Matt feels that Mary’s game is weak just because she’s not opening up to the group enough. (Translation: Mary didn’t drink.) Khalilah, on the other hand, is nowhere near the apple because she, in their opinion, is going to be drinking and partying and having a good time. (Translation: Matt wants Khalilah to not bother with opening up to the group and stick with opening up to – nevermind.)

Michael admits that Kassie is growing on him. Kassie is fungusible.

Matt concludes the discussion by saying that his central criteria will be who the fun ones are, and ‘If you’re not fun, goodbye!’ The 13 ball drops into a pocket, and the scene concludes. (The 13 ball means nothing. Celebrity Mole is over, people. Go home already!)

Another (censored) snake-apple image, and we move to Craig and Jordan, talking things over in one of the bedrooms. Craig is upset about dropping a green apple on someone this early, not to mention his inability to drop assorted other fruits on anyone, courtesy of his girlfriend. Jordan’s not quite as worried: he’s already worked out Naveen as desirable in his mind, followed by Khalilah, who’s ‘A little too much out there.’ (This is followed by a shot of Khalilah cheering because ‘It’s February and I’m in a pool!’ If this show ever gets a spoiler thread, we now have our first clue as to the amount of time that passes between shooting and airing, for whatever that’s worth. Do I hear one chocolate coin?)

Craig wants to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Jordan, however, is centered on Mary as the least desirable, because she’s been the least outgoing to date. ‘She’s not giving it out. She’s the only girl who’s not being a trooper.’ (Translation: Mary didn’t drink, and if she had been drinking, she wouldn’t have been able to drink anywhere near enough.)

Outside to one of the gazebos, where Craig and Matt quiz a few of the female Edenists on how they feel about their fellows, only to discover that – surprise! – they feel Mary is the least outgoing. Matt declares his desire to get rid of any non-party girls, Khalilah declares her status as Party Zone Central, and the foreshadowing is frankly getting too thick to breathe around here.

But, as this is FOX, the point needs to be driven home with a wrecking ball, so as everyone’s getting ready to head in for bed, we cue Mary Moment #2: Toegate.

Mary, addressing Michael: ‘How did your toes get black like that? Did you get something on them? Are your toes just dark like that?’ (Either Michael’s stepped in something, or we’re seeing the overaged toddler at work again.)
Michael: ‘Sorry.’ (‘I don’t know what I’m apologizing for, but I have to say something or she’ll keep this going all night…’)
{some group laughter}
Naveen: ‘He’s a man of color!’ (But in the Aughts, not the other way around.)
Mary: ‘I’ve never seen a black guy’s feet before! You guys, I’m sorry that sounds so stupid. You have to forgive my ignorance.’

Memorize that. It’ll save time later.

The first sidebar still applies: it could be bigotry, or it could be isolation and innocence. Michael feels it was definitely ignorance, and feels there’s just no helping some people, not even if you line up all the types of feet available in the world and march them through Imelda Marcos’ shoe closet before presenting them to Mary for inspection. Matt was actually checking Michael’s feet to see if something had been stepped in, other than the production values for the entire show (presumed and constant). The general agreement within the group – made after Mary left the area for a moment– is that it was a monumentally ignorant moment, something they are completely overqualified to distinguish due to vast personal experience in creating them. Jordan actively wonders if it was a racist comment, and Michael feels it was – just before Mary comes back and declares that she’s going to bed. And that Jordan’s not coming with her.

Jordan’s openly mock (hah!) offended by Mary’s continued lack of trooper performance, and offers to come tuck her in. Mary mock-threatens (pity…) to deck him, and Jordan responds ‘Is that a no meaning yes kind of thing?’

Mary concludes that Jordan is a hopeless case and heads off to bed, where a quick c-t lets us know she feels out of place. No kidding, Mary. What is it with Utah women and reality shows, anyway?

Jordan then gets off the line of the night: ‘She may be racist and ignorant, but I still might have sex with her.’ Michael feels like he’s being kidded there, and indeed he is. There’s no chance Mary and Jordan are getting together. She may not be a trooper in Jordan’s eyes, but the detaining officer is going to have a small problem with an empty holster.

Commercials. Blessed commercials, come to bring temporary relief…

(One of them is for Playing It Straight. Must – not – volunteer…)

Khalilah and Kassie are talking about the men while getting ready for bed, and mutually agree that the only one they wouldn’t consider a relationship with is Jordan. And why? Because he’s short, and Kassie’s been teasing him all day about it. (And how was I supposed to put that down for his AF? His website picture didn’t show him in scale to anything!) Unbeknownst to them – hey! I got to use ‘unbeknownst’ in a sentence! – Jordan is right outside the door, and can hear everything they say. When they exit, he confronts Kassie on her words, and she immediately tries to write them off as a joke. Khalilah heads off to give them some personal time with the cameras.

Jordan c-ts his knowledge of his own shortness. Don’t worry, Jordan: you’re only FOX-short. It’s still one of his hot buttons, though.

Kassie continues to claim it’s just a tease, a joke, an innocent flirtation between future victims, and it’s not mean, ignorant, or – you should forgive the term – short-sighted. Jordan says – paraphrase but for the last two words, as this part of the tape got partially drowned out by more backfiring trucks -- ‘It’s like if I called you ‘Hey, fattie!’'

An ominous musical note sounds. Loudly. Actually, it’s the tone equivalent of a thud.

Kassie freezes for a second, and then says she knows she’s fat. Forcefully. With a little too much expression in her face.

Hmmm. Someone else has a hot button, and it’s remarkably easy to press… Don’t worry, Kassie: you’re only FOX-fat. You’re still Standard-dumb for coming on this show, though.

Jordan reassures her that she’s not fat, and Kassie goes back to her ‘I’m not mean, I’m not insulting, I didn’t know you’d take anything personally stance’ until Jordan concludes that she just doesn’t understand how pushing someone’s buttons could offend them and manages to leave without ramming his voice into hers a few dozen times.

Michael and Craig discuss Toegate. FOX replays the clip. Craig’s response is ‘Back the truck up’, repeated, and then Michael wonders aloud if his feet look different. We are then treated to the sight of two grown men inspecting a pair of feet in the name of solidarity. One suspects this is not what Dr. King had in mind, but it’s oddly touching all the same.

Craig still wants to give Mary the benefit of the doubt, and so goes up to her room to talk things over with her. In particular, Craig wants to know if Mary perceives any issues between her and the group, and Mary correctly interprets his appearance as meaning that some exist. Craig quickly redirects the conversation, saying that the males may have some problem with her because she appears to be out of their league. (Translation: she’s not drinking.) Mary’s response is ‘I know, so what am I supposed to do about it? You’re making me feel very unloved!’

The entire audience briefly shares Craig’s uncertainty on Toegate.

Craig recovers – partially, and admits that Mary is disorienting him. Also that she’s ‘stand out singular hot.’ Somewhere in the world, Craig’s girlfriend walks up to a woman named Jerri, remarks out of nowhere ‘Ever have problems with male loyalty?’, and doesn’t know why.

Naveen thinks Craig and Mary are going to hook up. Looks like everyone’s been seeking the shady places.

Jordan feels Mary’s put her foot in her mouth, expressed while he puts Rogaine in his hair. Gee, I guess they really did mean it about taking care of their every need… any chance it’s been running down onto his torso?

Craig c-t feels the process is brutal. Matt thinks Mary is going home soon. Mary goes to sleep.

(brief pause while the foreshadowing is cut with a knife and stacked in the corner.)

And it’s morning. Time for more snake-apple shots and recaps of what happened the night before! Let’s ignore all of it except for Matt saying ‘I make quick judgments, but they’re usually right,’ just in case it turns out to be ironic later.

The Edenists are having breakfast on separate sides of the pool: males on one end, females on the other. This is more than enough to make the women to realize something’s up, especially after they spot the men placing their green apple decorated voting cards in something which faintly resembles the Ark of the Covenant –

-- that’s it. I’m going to work longhand and transfer it in later. That lightning is getting way too close for my system’s comfort.

An unidentified man is shown carrying the green apple on a tray as the votes are placed in the ark. There appears to be a remarkably efficient relay system between the ark’s interior scanner and his psionic senses, because the votes guide him without fail to –

-- anyone want to take a wild guess? –

-- Mary’s room.

David doesn’t have a clue as to what the vote is going to lead to. (He lives! He speaks!) The females do want to know what the box was about, and the men defend themselves with the basic ‘What box?’ strategy. How about the votes? ‘Can’t say.’ How about their chances of trying out for Super Millionaire and making more money in a lot less time? No, they’re not that delusional. Well, maybe Matt.

Commercials. How I love thee…

Mary returns to her room and finds the apple on a tray, resting on her bed – along with an envelope with the words ‘Do not open’ on it. (Off-screen, several stagehands desperately restrain Dennis Rodman until he can be distracted by Naveen’s spare navel jewelry.) She seems fairly nonplussed by it, and simply transfers the tray to a nearby dresser as her phone starts to ring.

Of course, there’s no outside contact, so this has to be someone on the inside – namely, Ruth, calling on a picture phone -- remember Ruth? – who notes Mary’s receipt of The Bi-Polar Ceramic, reminds us of the whole ‘good or evil’ bit – apparently the females got a separate symbolism briefing – and informs her that this time, the apple represents –

EVIL! EVIL! AN EVIL SO GREAT THAT THE SCREEN COLORS REVERSE FOR A PERIOD OF LESS THAN ONE SECOND! EEEE-VIL!

Quick! Flip over two channels and call Mermaid Man before it’s too late!

…oh. It’s FOX. It’s always too late. Moving on…

Mary’s reaction is ‘Myneh!’, which sums up the entire show to date a lot more concisely than I’ve managed. Ruth tells her to meet everyone at the Banishment Temple at nine that night, and the pictophone call ends.

Mary very sensibly lies down for a while, which gives the production crew a chance to echo ‘Evil’ and the rest of the call over her resting state until Naveen drops by to visit, sees the apple, and promptly exclaims ‘You did not get the apple.’ Okay, so maybe Naveen is the ideal target audience…

Naveen insists that the apple will work out to be good. Mary insists on evil.

(Hang on, got to move some more foreshadowing… under the couch will have to do.)

The men discuss the produce delivery, and Matt repeats himself on Mary just not fitting in and not wanting to be here. (Translation: there isn’t enough alcohol in the world.) David speaks – again! – and says looking at Mary is like looking at a blank piece of paper. Craig looks disquieted, and tells the others that he got Mary’s perspective during their talk: namely, they were sizing her up and singling her out from the beginning. Matt’s position does not change: ‘If you’re looking for me later today, I’ll be out in that woodshop, building a boat to send her off the island.’

Gee, let’s hope none of this comes back to haunt them or anything.

A snake slithers across the billiard table. No symbolism here. They just had an extra snake.

A quick aside scene, in which Matt starts to openly worry to Kassie about Mary having the apple, just in case she’s ever able to get one of them off. Kassie asks if Matt had anything to do with Mary getting the apple. Matt goes back to ‘what box?’ as the camera shows his vote being placed.

By the way, Matt also feels that Mary is too much of a motherly figure, as in ‘’Matt, get some water.’ You can’t do that here.’ (Translation: she decides to drink, and it’s water!) Kassie agrees that there’s no water in paradise.

…okay… Must be a surge on the line. Let me just unplug anything vital and I’ll be right back.

Scene switch to gathering of the males, and Michael demonstrates something very odd for a FOX contestant: precognition. While the men are discussing the possibility of the first ouster being that night, he declares that Mary will get the last word in – and that they gave her the power to do so by giving her the apple. No, that can’t be right, can it? It’s far too obvious.

(Geez. Overflow. Okay, behind the stove it goes.)

Jordan then gets off the second-best line of the night. ‘They don’t know what the apple means, just like we don’t know what the apple means. Basically, we know nothing.’

And since there’s nothing that can be said to improve that, we go to the heavenly commercials and come back to nightfall, with hopes expressed over dinner that there will be some kind of twist where everybody stays. There’s a wonderful expression which covers this possibility. Say ‘Fat chance’.

Jordan sings an inspirational song to Mary – ‘Stay strong, Mary, there ain’t nothing that can get you out of here’ – Mary does not commit suicide on the spot, I realize I’ve hit my American Idol reference quota for the summary, and we move to the Banishment Temple to meet up with Ruth – remember Ruth? I don’t.

Ruth informs us that Eden’s only constant is its cycles of arrivals and departures (translation: once the show’s been on for a few months, understanding the rules will require heavy drinking), and the Banishment Temple is, oddly enough, where the second half of the procedure will take place.

Mary, as the recipient of the first apple, is asked to step forward, and the ‘good/evil’ bit presented again just before Ruth explains why Mary got the apple: she’s the lone teetotaler. And naturally, the men must reveal their votes, in occasional paraphrase.

Matt: ‘Mary. I don’t like you.’ (We’ve been over this.)
David: ‘Mary.’ (It’s one of the few words they were able to teach him before the show started.)
Jordan: ‘Mary. No partying, no time to make a choice, didn’t know you yet.’ (Couldn’t spell ‘Kassie’.)
Michael: ‘Mary. Recap Toegate again, please?’ (Because he washed his feet for hours, and they still seemed wrong somehow. So then he tried a file, and then the blood just wouldn’t come off…)
Craig: ‘Mary. Interaction with the group, and I wanted everyone to get along as good as possible. You were in the way.’ (‘I am man. I stand in solidarity with my brothers. I’m in trouble, aren’t I?’)

Mary takes the clean sweep rather passively, and declines her opportunity to verbally respond.

Which means there’s only one thing left for Mary to do at the Temple. Is it:

A. Get on the boat which Matt has made for her, and passively sink after getting about six feet?
B. Get on the boat which Rupert made for the show’s general use, and actively drown after discovering the bail bucket was left back on the platform?
C. Get on the bus and head over to Average Joe 3: No Booze, No Explosives, No Kidding?
D. Get her revenge?

Any more wild guesses? Anyone…?

Michael, who saw it coming, covers his eyes. It doesn’t help. It’s still D, and Mary advances to the $4,000 question.

But first – commercials.

And next – we recap what happened in the thirty seconds before the commercials. You’re on FOX! (Why?)

As it turns out, the choice of Eden’s first banishment belongs to Mary. It must be one of the men, the decision must be made in the next twenty-four hours, and they’ll all meet back at the Temple the next night to determine exactly which wanna-be false idol will tip over. (Translation: start drinking, boys.) In the meantime, Mary is not to open the envelope/next twist which she received with the apple. Ruth wishes them all a good evening, and it’s back to the hotel.

Mary doesn’t want to be faced with this decision. She doesn’t want to break up the family. (Hah!) And she really doesn’t want to put up with the relentless politicking that’s going to occur over the next twenty-four, but there’s no way out of that, especially as Craig tries to apologize almost immediately. Mary can’t stand to hear it just yet, and retreats to her room for a quick c-t on how it feels to have ten people agree on her being the most undesirable. (Uh, no. Five. She said ten, though. Of course, if the women had been allowed to vote… And the votes are recapped, just in case we forgot.)

How could she have wronged all these people? How could she have made them all feel that way about her?

David feels sick to his stomach, and doesn’t want to say something just for the sake of sounding like he doesn’t want go home yet. Matt refuses to beg. No one will apologize for their vote. Craig throws out the first ‘you’ve got to play the game’ cliché after saying he’s not sorry for the vote, he’s sorry she had to go through listening to the results. And yet, everyone approaches Mary when she comes down to the bar.

Mary. As Matt says, she’s the first judge, jury, and executioner of Eden. He made his choice at the beginning, he c-t admits to having made a mistake, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Unless there’s another twist. But what are the odds of that happening?

So there you go: one faux Eden. One mother snake. Eleven little hatchlings, trying to eat each other for sustenance. And after forcing my way through the premiere on slow-motion, there’s only three conclusions I can reach.

1. ‘Three years’ is a longshot. ‘Three months’ could be a reach. ‘Three weeks’ could be achievable. ‘Three decades’ is the amount of subjective time one episode takes to view.
2. ‘Continuing story’ still requires ‘traceable plot’.
3. This is the afterlife, and I must have been very bad…

…huh. That last one must have hit a junction box.

Oh, well. So much for the power. I’ll go find a working computer and transcribe things there. Peace, over and out.

(And by the way, Mary, it’s because you didn’t drink.)
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(Special thanks to non-poster PlpS, who came up with the term ‘Edenists’ during the initial viewing of the episode, and thus may have made a permanent contribution to a genre he doesn’t enjoy in the least unless there’s potential for serious physical damage. Welcome to my world…)