Boy oh boy! Here it is, The Big Day! Will they make it through the ceremony without a belching contest, morning “pile” report, or an appearance from The Moose? Will it be as joyous an ending as the one on The Littlest Groom? Because, my friends, if thats what youre looking for, youre in for a mighty fine hour of quality programming. The rest of us are here to see if Randis family finally gets that collective 2 x 4 surgically removed from their butts.
Randi has agreed to dupe her family into thinking shes marrying a total buffoon that will bring shame to them all. Until the end of time. The possibility of producing hideously deformed children who have no social skills is just icing on the wedding cake. If she can get through the wedding with her family all there and none of them objecting aloud, the whopping sum of $250,000 comes her way. Its a small amount of cash in exchange for their eternal humiliation. Talk about your passive/aggressive issues!
Steve, not a buffoon, but he plays one on TV, is our seemingly hapless groom. His “family” is also composed of actors who deserve better roles or at least an Emmy for a memorable night in the hot tub. If you dont know what Im talkin’ ‘bout, perhaps you shouldnt be reading this. The meaning of the phrase “Prom Date” has been altered for me forever.
And now...on to the “Most Anticipated Finale of the Season!”
The day dawns rainy and drab. There are many close ups of raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens (sorry, wrong show). Randi lets us know one more time how “EXTREMELY HARD” it is to lie to her family, and wishes they just knew she was lying for their benefit. Dont worry hun, the cash will make it up to them. Really. And then you can get that eyeliner tattooed on and save yourself half an hour in makeup time in the mornings. Its all good.
Catherine, Randi’s mom, is "tired and mentally exhausted" and wonders aloud if they, as a family will ever get past all of this. Frankly, if I were Catherine, Id be more worried that the hidden camera in her daughters room is showing us that her son and daughter are in the same bed. Or that her oldest boy is constantly swilling a beer...but thats just me. Catherine gives us a peek into poor Melanie’s psyche, who is so mentally frail that shes nearly bedridden because her sister didnt include her in the wedding plans (that were made in the course of a week when Randi wasnt allowed any contact with her family). Bruce, Randi's dad, drinks his coffee at the front window, thinking the rain is a bad omen. He has no idea. Patrick (aka Beer Swilling Brother) laments the fact that its raining, so he cant light the place afire. And you know hes not gonna waste any of that free alcohol by using it as an accelerant, so hes pretty much SOL.
Steve is feeling the stress. Say what you want about Steve, but he really does seem to have a little bit of sympathy for Randi. Not that its gonna keep him from doing his job, but its there. He visits Randi in her room. Claudia comes in and reminds them that theres no turning back. They have to make it through the ceremony, say “I do” and be pronounced man and wife, without anyone objecting to the union. If anyone objects, no one wins the cash. Randi’s hoping that mom can tell everyone to “shut up” and force them to behave during the ceremony. Little does she know that Steve’s going to show up in drag. (ok, not really, but thats what Id like to see)
2 Hours until the wedding- We see Poor Melanie saying that she feels like shes going to a funeral as she crawls back under the covers. Dad says in a voice-over that he feels Randi really needs to spend the 2 hours before the biggest event of her life (as far as he knows) consoling her sister, instead of say....getting dressed. Randi plans on keeping her distance. Dad comes to visit as she’s having her makeup done, Randi says the rain is good luck. Dad wants to have a heart-to-heart (and God bless the man, hes really trying here) and says that Randi should go talk with Melanie. Randi flatly refuses, saying that she doesnt want to make it a sad, sorrowful day. She realizes that Melanie is the only one who REALLY knows that she doesnt love Steve. Bruce plasters a smile on his face, and leaves.
We see Catherine and Poor Melanie getting their makeup done while Catherine tells us how hard this is. After all, Poor Melanie is feeling excluded and had her own ideas about Randis wedding, and dammit, no one is thinking about Melanie! Its all “Randi”...”RANDI, RANDI, RANDI!” Cut to the hidden cam, where we see Randi burst in, b!tch-slap Melanie and say “Look you sniveling, conceited little hag, this is MY wedding! If I want to marry Carrot Top in a g-sting and pasties in the middle of Times Square, thats MY choice. Its MY wedding, MY life. If you dont like it, then crawl your mentally-collapsed self back into bed. Otherwise, paste a smile on that sour lookin pie hole, get dressed and show up.” (ok, not really, but thats what Id like to see) Dad drops in and tells Poor Melanie that Randi doesnt want to see her. Melanie says that her bond with Randi now is completely broken. What a relief that must be for Randi.
30 minutes until the wedding- Steves pacing, talking about how surreal this all is. Randi's family and friends start showing up. He chuckles about Randi's reaction to the “final twist”.
We are now treated to the goings-on in the Coy Family Suite. Youd think in a mansion this size, that everyone would have their own room. Apparently, they are all getting dressed together. Isnt that sweet.
Catherine took Poor Melanie’s words about going to a funeral to heart, dressing in black from head to toe for her eldest daughters day time wedding. (Where ARE those Queer Guys when you need them?) The only thing missing is the Jackie O pillbox hat and black veil. Perhaps she’s worried the priest will mistake her for the bride. Poor Melanie’s meds have obviously kicked in, as she’s propped up on a chair, one step above a drug induced coma. Nice to see someone there has a little foresight. Beer Swilling Brother, wearing a towel, tells Mom he’s not going to any BLEEPIN wedding. Randi’s wish is granted when Catherine tells him to shut up and get dressed. After all, she’s already decided that her boys will wear kilts to the wedding (and probably lays out their clothes for them every day as well), so he goes to get dressed. Bobby, the good, but mute, brother is already dressed. Patrick gripes about the kilt looking feminine, which is enough to bring Poor Melanie out of her coma long enough to yell “MOMMY! He’s not shutting up and putting his dress on like you said! I think you need to bring the cattle prod in here!” (ok, not really, but its what Id like to see)
After getting dressed, it becomes blatantly obvious that Beer Swilling Brother has had one too many, and (in a truly Steve-worthy moment) he gives his mom a full frontal flash of what he’s NOT wearing under his kilt. Thank God this fine, upstanding, sophisticated (and way-to-close-for-comfort ifyaknowwhatimean) family will never have to really welcome a lout like Steve into their bosom. He’s not their kind, really.
Dad starts swilling beers now too, though you know he’s longing for something stronger. Patrick takes another brewski for the road, while Randi shares her fear, not that her family will be falling off their chairs drunk, but that they’ll not show up at all. Seems like the better choice if you ask me. Poor Melanie slurs out something about usually being on Randi’s side, but this time, she just cant do it. The nice men in the white jackets pick her up and help her stagger to the door for the main event.
The Wedding- Randi is under the impression that this is an “Irish Wedding” and says the weather is perfect. We all say a silent “thank you” to the editors for removing the lovely bagpipe music. Steve ushers out Funerary Catherine, kneecaps the guy in the skirt and, in his best Scottish accent, yells “The Piper’s DOWWWNNNN!”. Catherine promptly has a stroke, freezing the other half of her face. (ok, not really, but its what Id like to see).
Catherine sits, while Steve paces. Catherine tells us that Randi’s friends are incredulous about the wedding AND Steve. How can she ever show her face again in polite society? She thanks her lucky stars that at least no one will ever find out that 2 of her kids are sleeping together, and the other one cant walk 5 feet without reaching for a beer. Its humiliation enough that her eldest is marrying Steve.
Patrick, who miraculously has divested himself of a cold one, escorts Steve’s “sister” who tromps along with all the grace of a lamed Clydesdale. (why OH why did the producers not have her sing a lovely solo...something like an acoustic “Welcome to my Nightmare”? Its missed opportunities like this that could make a person lose faith in Reality TV) Steve paces, looking nervous. Dad tells Randi that Poor Melanie is REALLY upset with her as they watch from a window upstairs. Steve’s still pacing, every inch the jittery groom as he waits to see if Mute Bobby and Poor Melanie will show. Miracle of miracles they do!! Bobby puts Poor Melanie in her chair and Patrick holds her upright. Its heartwarming to see such a close and functional family on TV these days, isnt it?
Dad and Randi descend the stairway. He double checks that this is really what Randi wants. When she confirms it, he sucks it up, walks her out, kisses her and hands her off to Steve. And he manages to do it with a smile on his face.
Catherine is mortified as Steve’s “Dad” gives her the “thumbs up”. Patrick is pissed that theres no beer within reach, Poor Melanie looks stoic (perhaps she’s wondering how Steve’s going to be in the communal sibling bed once they get back to Colorado...only her therapist knows for sure) and Mute Bobby is crying.
Steve muffs his lines while giving Randi her ring. His parents look on proudly, while Catherine looks like she’s passing a kidney stone. As Randi gives Steve his ring, we hear a voice over from Patrick saying how Randi’s just being selfish, not considering her family with her choice of a mate and that he cant accept it. Here’s a news flash for ya big fella: When choosing a life partner, most of the human race will pick someone who pleases them personally. I cant think of anyone who has rejected the love of their life because her brother might not like him. Its not about you. Lesson over. Now run back to your frat kegger like a good boy.
The Priest asks if anyone objects. This is a big tense moment here folks, please be appropriately reverent. Steve’s “dad” stands up and says that he cant have his son part of such an uptight, self righteous family, turns and moons Randi’s side of the aisle. (ok, not really, but its what Id like to see)
Poor Melanie would stand and object if she had the capacity, but its all Patrick can do to keep her upright in the chair. Mute Bobby is sobbing so hard his boutonniere is blooming, and the 2 x 4 up Catherine’s ass is caught in the back of the chair. Randi’s best friend looks positively vomitous. No one objects, and Randi, suddenly, is smug. The service continues, and with dollar signs dancing in her eyes, she blurts out her “I do” at warp speed. Steve, however, has a moment of hesitation. Randi’s begging him...BEGGING HIM not to blow this for her, and he says “I cant”. Her mouth hangs open like a carp, her eyes bug out because he’s just lost them a million dollars! Her friends and family are stunned that Slobbo Man has just rejected as fine a piece as he could ever hope to have. Steve tells everyone its fake, its not a real wedding. Catherine, having just been twice humiliated in front of all their friends gets up and walks out, despite Steve’s protestations. Patrick, sensing this is the perfect moment for a beer run, follows close on her heels. Mute Bobby isnt far behind. Poor Melanie, without support, slumps in her chair, then manages to stagger to her feet. The nice men in the white jackets help her inside.
Randi and Steve try to persuade her family to come back outside, so that they can explain. Bruce seems to be the only one who is curious about why their daughter would stage a fake wedding. Even though he “feels like hes abandoning his family, he doesnt want to leave Randi behind. Steve’s apologizing, Patrick says theyre leaving, Catherine marches upstairs and into the bathroom, followed by Poor Melanie. Randi says she just ruined her family. OH YEAH.....they were totally normal before you sprang this on them, werent they?
In possibly the most disturbing moment of the entire show, Mute Bobby and Beer Swilling Brother both march directly into the bathroom for a family conference while Catherine is changing her clothes. They dont knock, they just walk right in, like its something they do every day. Flowers in the Attic, anyone?
On the secret bathroom cam, we see a producer trying to talk the family into returning to the service. He tells them that Randi’s intention wasnt to make fools of them. Man, these guys will say anything wont they? He tells them that they need to go back down and hear what Randi has to say, when what he really means is “We have ratings to consider, people! Your humiliation is not yet complete! You need to hear from your daughters mouth that she wanted to make a laughing stock out of you guys for a measly $250,000.....so get moving before I throw your sissy, dress-wearin asses down the stairs!” Catherine has finished changing her clothes. Now that shes got her dominatrix gear on, she decides she can endure this for 5 more minutes, and they return, griping all the way.
In one of the funniest moments of the show, we see Randi’s best friend Anna, saying that what sucks the most, is that Steve is a great guy, and that his family is really great. Funny, I dont remember her defending him to the Coys at all.
Bruce says he was glad to see them come back, and that the show might make a good comedy. He tells Steve that Steve is a “killer”. I seriously think Steve was briefly in fear for his life.
Randi says to Bruce “This is in the best interest for you guys, I did this for you guys”. Bruce seems floored. Steve explains the whole premise for the show, and that they didnt mean for anyone to get hurt. The Coys look dubious.
Steve explains the cash prize, that they each would get $250,000. And Randi hastily adds, $250,000 for each family. She tries to play it off like she did it for her family. Patrick wants to move out....Poor Melanie wants to travel....Mute Bobby wont have to worry about paying for college...for mom and dad..it would mean “financial security”. I dont know what things are like on Planet Coy, but really, after a college education gets paid for, and Patrick gets set up in his bachelor pad and Poor Melanie goes on a European Vacation, whats left over wouldnt be my idea of “financial security”. Bruce says that it cant be about money. (DINGDINGDING Thank you Dr. Freud, we have a winner!) That embarrassing your entire family isnt worth any amount of money. It must be that you just wanted to be on TV? Getting to embarass your whole family..........? PRICELESS.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Steve reveals that he’s an actor. Randi’s suprised. Really, she is. Poor Melanie seems to be the only one of the family getting the joke, though Randi’s friends and family behind her seem to be enjoying it as much. Steve tries to paint the Coys in the best light and smooth everything over, and he does a lovely job of it, and frankly, makes Randi feel like a piece of trash for doing this to her family. He also reveals that the Coy’s will be taking home not $250,000, but $500,000. He presents Randi with a check for the same amount.
Claudia appears and tells Randi that she will only receive the half mil if she consummates the marriage AND makes Steve believe she enjoyed it. Will she win the money? Will she learn the real reason Steve's nickname is “Moose”? Tune in next week for the first episode of My Big Fat Obnoxious Honeymoon! (ok, not really, but thats what Id like to see)
How did things turn out? Well, The Coy’s returned to Colorado where they spent several weeks “together as a family”, presumably all in the same bathroom. Randi says her family has forgiven her. They are taking a family trip to Ireland for Bruce’s birthday. Happily, Patrick has been allowed to move out of his parents house into an apartment over Bob’s Brew-HaHa, Bobby has had the lesions removed from his vocal chords and theyve gotten Poor Melanie checked into that “spa” in Switzerland. If Randi could just get a job, everything would be perfect. I hear they are casting for the next Bachelorette soon, maybe she’ll have better luck there.