The Simple Life : The Glorious Finale
Or, Sneaking Out of Town Two Weeks Early
Disclaimer : This summary contains snarky remarks at the expense of twiggy, overprivileged blondes, by a non-twiggy, medium-privileged brunette. It also contains shameless inside jokes and personal appearances by a number of DAWs, mainly to fill in the gaps because the aforementioned brunette didnít watch more than two other episodes. So sue me.
However, I can state with full confidence that this official SB summary contains ABSOLUTELY NO PEANUTS. Also, no Toronto Blue Jays were harmed in the creation of this document.
Mmm.. peanuts. Iím hungry. Again. And I have to pee. Again.
Whoops, sorry, TMI. Letís try that again, shall we?
The Simple Life : The Final Days
Or, We Ran Out of Stilted Dialogue, So Letís Wind This Dog up With Lots of Filler
Are you waiting with bated breath to see if two rich, spoiled girls can conquer ďThe Simple LifeĒ? No? Oh, I see. Youíre at work and nobodyís on OT. Oh, well. I suppose that makes you as good an audience as any. Better, even, because you wonít be inspired to turn off the computer and actually do something. Right?
The credulous among us might be hanging on this intro, but I sincerely hope theyíre in the minority. We are presented with three headings: Conquering the Simple Life, Working for a Living, and Boys. After each clip, we see a number of scenes flash before us. Now, I canít swear to this, because frankly, all my brain matter is dissolving into belly, but it seems to me that all the clips are from the two episodes Iíve seen. Strange. Could it be that theyíve *gasp* recycled some of the footage? Wasnít there just a recrap episode last night? What is with that HAT?
Anyway, recrap finished (and two precious minutes over with), we hear the intro, for, thank Rory, the last time. I swear to you all, if I ever hear that again, Iím going to do some serious damage to my own eardrums.
In Altus, it is the last night (drum roll, please). There is a full moon. What does this mean? Are there werewolves? Because werewolves scare the pants off me, so if there are, Iím gonna go hide in the bathtub.
Thereís a certain amount of screaming coming from the tv screen. Apparently, Miss Nicole has lost her purse.
Ah. Not wereWOLVES. Wereb!tches. Less scary, although something has got to be done about that outfit.
The local barmaid seems to be of two minds about the wereb!tches (Iíll give her the benefit of the doubt on the mind thing, shall I?). On the one hand, theyíre sweet and on the other, they can turn on you in a moment.
Insta-Quiz (shamelessly lifted from someone, probably Saint Bebo of the Maternity Panties)
If someone is nice to you one minute and hideously snarky the next, they are:
a. Sweet, deep down inside
b. An evil wereb!tch from the planet Vogon
c. Too rich for their own good
After various shots of the disapproving crowd, including one truly spectacular specimen who is chewing his gum so sloppily that they can hear him in Abitibi, we see, yet again, Nicole throwing bleach. Because, of course, that will help her get her purse back.
One question: Did nobody frisk these individuals for drugs before they left? I mean, obviously they took away credit cards, cell phones, etc., but did it really never cross anyoneís mind to do a body cavity search for controlled substances? Something is wrong with this picture.
Still, itís one of the few non-stilted, unscripted moments in this whole series (which, of course, I have viewed exhaustively), so Iíll give it a pass. I donít even think it was planned for them to get kicked out of the bar,although I am willing to bet that the barís inhabitants were encouraged to yell ďGo home, rich b!tch, go home!Ē by producers bearing cases of Bud.
b. Winshield washer fluid
c. Sofa King close to water
d. JVís favourite beverage
Another moon shot. I swear, the only thing freakier than werewolves is birds.
Albert wants to talk to Nicole alone. Iíd ask why, but Iím not really sure that it matters at this point. The producers have set him up to play the heavy, but heís constitutionally unequipped to be a father figure to two skanky hos that have been clubbing since they were fourteen. Still, let us be consistent in our pseudo-reality conceit or die!
Poor Albert has to ask Nicole to explain herself. Nicole canít or wonít. Maybe because that pink turbany-towel thing on her head is sucking away whatís left of her coke-addled brain. Then again, Albertís Ducks Unlimited cap is probably not helping, either. Thereís a lot of poor headgear in this episode, come to think of it. Maybe the title of the summary should have been Paris and Nicole: The Bad Hats.
Nicole makes a feeble apology. Paris eavesdrops. Albert tries not to look down Nicoleís pyjama top.
Feeble attempt at parenting adult children that donít belong to him over with, Albert retreats to the kitchen to be consoled by Janet, who is not wearing a bad hat. She encourages Justin (also not wearing a bad hat) to stay a bachelor or become a priest in order not to deal with women.
Are you wearing a bad hat?
c. Heck, no
Either Paris or Nicole (I reeeeealllly donít care which one) says that they came to this place to prove that they were not spoiled brats. They think theyíve done a good job.
At this point, totally without irony, DH says ďDoing what?Ē
When I burst out laughing, he shakes his head and goes off to drywall something, dislodging the three-legged cat and muttering something about missing the hockey game.
I canít say I blame him. Iím missing the hockey game and I donít even usually like hockey. I would prefer hockey to this. Still, weíre coming up to ....
The Best Line In The Show
Nicole says, very earnestly to Janet, that sheís really sorry about her behaviour and is ďgonna apologise to whoever-she-is.Ē
To me, this sums it all up and puts real value on the girlsí sweetness and sincerity. Because, you know, they are human and they are doing their best to leave their selfish ways behind and learn some real wisdom. *gag*
And responsibility, apparently. From the mayor. Who knew that the mayor was also the local bill collector (and, presumably, repo woman. Stealing For A Living, woo hoo!) ?
Various shots of the local scenery, to while away precious moments (Buggy?).Various shots of the girls going around town paying bills. Various shots of local characters saying how much the girls have affected the community. Various shots of bad hats. Various shots of unfortunate clothing items. Various shots of poor teeth. Apology to Whoever-She-Is, who would like to strangle the girls. Canít say I blame her.
In between more various shots, we have :
The Dramatic Climax
Featuring : The Dead Muskrat
Long shots, panning down onto the road.
The suspense builds.
The girls stop. They see.. (daDUM) The Dead Muskrat.
They load it into the truck, arguing over who gets to use it for a belt. The loser of the argument has to go to Fendi.
They say the word ďpitchfork.Ē
They claim they can ďdo anything now.Ē Uh, how about dressing like a normal human being? No? Didnít think so.
Who, seriously, has never seen roadkill before?
a. The Queen
b. My unborn child
c. Evil wereb!tches from the planet Vogon
d. Princess Pooh
Actually, I liked this sequence, mainly because it featured the muskrat, who was, letís face it, less stiff than some of the family members. He was also not wearing a bad hat at any point during his star turn, which is enough to win him my unstinting admiration.
While Iím pondering the possibility of the muskrat winning an award for his performance, DH wrests away the remote and returns to the hockey game. I snag it back (albeit reluctantly) just in time to catch the following:
16 hours to go
Albert, apparently, is expecting some payback from the girls, so he and the producers have asked them to wash the truck in skimpy outfits (no bad hats, though). In anticipation of this excitement, he has donned some kind of weird yellow camouflage shirt. Presumably this will draw our attention away from any other portion of his anatomy. Or maybe the producers think itíll make him less wooden. Or..
You know what? This is a PG-13 site, so Iíll just say that thereís a great big old-fashioned family waterfight, with hoses, and wrassliní, and pants falliní down ...
Itís a warm, family event. Quality family time. Just a good olí family ho-down ...
Luckily, Nicole breaks the mood by breaking wind before anything happens to justify any really raunchy redneck jokes, and everyone goes to bed to get ready for
The Momentous Final Day
Momentous, because Paris and Nicole have gotten up to bid Albert a sad goodbye. At 5:30. On time. With makeup on. Itís incredible what you can do for a photo op, isnít it?
Which of these is an appropriate nickname for Albert:
d. Hey, you!
Then, they pack, trying to get everything into the Worldís Smallest Taxi, especially hired for the occasion by the producers in their never-ending quest for truth, justice, and the Blatantly Obvious Emphasis of Differences.
There is a great deal of crying and hugging and good-bying, meant to emphasize the depth of the relationships that the girls established and, despite the BOED, the warmth and love that bridge the gap between these two spheres of human experience. The life lessons that these girls have learned will stick with them throughout their lives, whether theyíre eating sushi, having their nails done, or driving around in their convertibles with their cell phones stuck to their ears.
As they drive out of sight, nestled together in a taxi, they reflect, Robbbbbbbb-like, on their experience. What will they miss the most? Everyday things, like going to the gas station, making fun of peopleís accents, and cow sh!t. Their greatest regret? No threesome with Justin. Ah, the bittersweet drops in the cup of existence.
Thank you, Fox, for this deep, human slice of life. I know Iím a better person for it.
Let's not kid ourselves. This show is deader and stinkier than that muskrat.