LAST EDITED ON 08-02-04 AT 08:31 PM (EST)The Simple Life 2 -- Episode 9 (This Won’t Hurt a Bit)
Previously on The Simple Life:
If you don’t know by now, it’s almost too late. But briefly:
Paris and Nicole left somewhere in Florida in a big pink truck, complete with shiny metallic trailer, traveling to somewhere in California. Paris was thrown from a horse (even though she’s been riding them all of her life). The girls made sausages, attempted to clean hotel rooms at a nudie resort, did something with crawfish (yeah I missed that one), babysat in a trailer park, found the Lord (momentarily), actually cleaned their trailer (with the help of a nice Christian family), and a bunch of other stuff that have obviously escaped my mind.
Next Destination: Rod & Gun Club Road, Spicewood Texas.
Not all roads lead to Spicewood. Apparently one does, but no one has a clue as to which one that is. After asking many people, Paris spots a tire store and determines that someone there must know where Spicewood, Texas is. After all, they do sell tires.
The counter clerk does not, but he does have a map. (For those of you with young children, you can appreciate it when I tell you that the map jumps up on the counter singing, “I’m the Map, I’m the Map . . .”) For the rest of you, the clerk locates Spicewood on his map and begins giving directions.
“Got that?” he asks.
The girls look at each other and both reply, “No.” The clerk tries again.
F-ing Macy’s, (%&(#*& #*($#*($& (*#&$(*#!@ _)$(%&#(* #@$&( f-ing Nordstrom’s. Sh#$$, Bleepity, bleep, bleep. F-ing, bleep, bleep, bleepity, bleep, bleep, f this, f that. Mall, f-ng this f-ing that. !@#@$#@ R$#^ ^&(^&(^ !@#$.
“How about that?”
“Okay, so we take a left out of this parking lot, go over the overpass, follow the access road, take 35 South to 290 West and then take Exit 71.”
Next the girls make numerous attempts to get onto Highway 35 South, but keep going around in circles. (The series was originally scheduled to go about 15 episodes, until the girls got stuck in this circle. Hence we now know the real reason the finale is soon.) The girls finally find a nice young man to follow out of the circle and onto Highway 35.
Cue the catchy music.
You take two girls, both filthy rich. Brak, brak, brak.
After the commercial break, the girls are pulling up to the Bahm Family residence. There are various items in the yard, including numerous bikes, construction tools and equipment. The ever thoughtful Paris is worried about driving in the grass.
Paris: “I don’t know if I should be driving across the their lawn.”
Nicole: “Hmm, look at all of the other f-ing sh!t everywhere. I don’t think you’ll hurt anything.”
Paris: “Yeah, but what about the truck.”
Like I said, she is thoughtful, even if she only thinks about herself.
The girls are met by Lori and her son, Tyler. Lori’s boyfriend, Denny is at work at the Harley store, which Nicole of course thinks is “hot.” According to Lori, Denny has big plans for the group for later that night.
In the meantime, the girls get acquainted with the Bahms. At least I think. This is the Bahm Family, although I’m not sure whose last name is Bahm. Could be Denny’s, could be Lori’s. They don’t appear to be married. Nevertheless, Lori says they are “laid-back, relaxed people, not your stereo-typical bikers.” Well Denny works on bikes for a living, and Lori runs up and down the road all day taking Tyler here or there. And judging from the lawn, I’d agree with the laid-back, relaxed part.
Tyler, who has the potential to definitely not be the stereo typical biker talks about how he plays sports but, since Spicewood is such a small town, he doesn’t have much of a social life. The girls’ ears perk up, and they quickly promise to fix him up. You see they do that everywhere they go and they are very good at it. There is also a promise to get him laid. Knowing they certainly aren’t referring to a trip to Hawaii, Lori quickly suggests that it’s homework time, especially in light of the night’s big plans. The girls decide to help Tyler with his homework since they are so smart and so good at these things.
Tyler has a monologue for Theater Arts and an upcoming quiz for Physics. Paris is quick to realize that it’s not a pop quiz, since Tyler knows about it. On to the monologue. Nicole suggests that Tyler go with a rap and teaches Tyler how to rap and dance at the same time.
Yo, yo Romeo, where forth art thou
You make me wanna sing bow, wow wow
My mom and dad are gone
I got my groove on
Come to the front door
Knock one, two, three, four
Here I am sweet Juliet
I’m just so glad you and I met
Whassup with your dad and mom
Most peeps think I’m da bomb
One day we’ll be together
You and me, girl forever
Okay, so it wasn’t quite as good as this, but apparently Paris thinks he’s the next Eminem, and Nicole likens him to Snoop Dog. Yeah, Nicole, and tunes like that made millions for your daddy.
Denny returns home and all prepare for the big night out. A bunch of Denny’s friends have stopped by and offer the girls a ride, but they prefer to drive themselves. The group has dinner, and Tyler entertains them with his rap, which of course is hot.
During dinner, Denny tells the girls that they are not “old school bikers.” They don’t rape or pillage anymore. Again, that’s so hot. Paris speaks up and tells Denny that she has a motorcycle. Of course it’s pink, with a leopard print. Let’s just hope she rides bikes better than she does horses (which she’s been doing all of her life, and she has a video to prove it.)
As the night winds down, the girls are ready to go to sleep. They complain about the smell in the bed. Guess the trailer doesn’t come with the maid service they’ve become so accustomed to.
Good night, Nicole. Good night, Paris. Good night Tinkerbell. Good night, other mutt. Good night, John Boy. Uugggghhh, when will we ever have to stop reaching up two feet to turn out the light???
Day 2 finds starts with a pancake breakfast and more talk about what goes on in Smalltown Spicewood. Not much worth mentioning except for the fact that Tyler plays Lacrosse, which according to Nicole is “cool.” What’s this, a new word? Cool? WTF does that mean? She seems to like it, does she really? Yeah, about as much as she likes your rap.
Denny hurries the girls along because the big day of work awaits them. They are to go see “Jesse” at Lonnie’s. Lonnie’s is the local salon. It prides itself on customer service, where people are treated like they are the most important people in the world. Normally such a place would be heaven for the girls, except that they will be providing the service. But of course we deal with Paris and Nicole. They are so smart and so good at everything. What could they possibly mess up in a salon?
As the girls prepare to go to work, Nicole mentions that she hopes they make a lot of money. They need money. They are broke. Every bit of money they have they spend on gas. Well, considering you wasted a tank of it driving around in that freaking circle, that’s understandable.
Victim # 1: Bama
Jesse informs the girls that their first job will be a wax job. This will be their client’s first time, and it’s very important to be gentle and always be professional. He will probably be a little hesitant and a little embarrassed. The client, Bama, arrives, disrobes and climbs onto the table.
Bama: Have you ever done this before?
Girls: Yeah. We’re so good at this. You won’t feel a thing, and you will look so hot.
Bama: Well, I feel hot. What is that you are using?
The girls apply the first coat of wax to a section of Bama’s back. And RRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP, it’s off. Bama screams out in pain. Again and again the poor man is tortured as the girls not only rip off his hair, but his skin, muscle and probably even a little bone. As Bama screams more, Nicole begins to really get into it and jumps up on the table, mounts Bama and begins to scream, “Tell me, Bama, who’s your waxer, who’s your waxer?”
Jesse immediately bursts in to the room and calls the girls to the kitchen. Eerily reminiscent of me being called into the bathroom as a child.
Jesse: Girls. I don’t think I’ve heard that much screaming since Bubba and I were role playing scenes from “Deliverance” during our weekly whoopee session. This is Lonnie’s. We pride ourselves on making the customer feel good, and I should never ever hear sounds like that coming from that room again.
The girls go back to the room, and begin waxing Bama’s legs.
Bama: UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My back, my back, not my legs.
Girls: Oh, we thought you meant the back of your body.
Jesse rescues Bama and decides to give the girls a job more up their alley: a make-over.
Victim # 2: Karen
Karen is a middle-aged woman in desperate need of a new look. She kind of looks like a 50-year old Peppermint Patty -- with glasses. The girls promise to make her one, hot sexy beyotch. Somehow I don’t even think five sets of Queer Eyes can make her hot or sexy.
It’s Karen’s boyfriend’s 50th and she wants something new, but not worse than before. Paris wants to make her blonde because you guessed it blondes are hot.
In a move that surprises even me, the girls actually take the time to mix a bleach formula for Karen‘s highlights. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing, but at least they didn’t go and just pull a bottle of Clorox off of the shelf. Although at this point, I’m sure that even that would have been an improvement.
The bleach is rinsed out and of course it’s super platinum blonde. Jesse whips up a batch of toner to help blend the look. The girls fear their hard work is ruined because Karen’s “wet” hair does not look so blonde anymore. Guess Paris has never looked in the mirror after a shower. So in an effort to improve even more, Nicole cuts Karen’s hair while Paris applies the make-up. And at last it’s time for the big reveal.
Karen: I look like I’ve been hit by a truck.
Uh, no Karen, you don’t even look that good. Images of Tammy Faye flash before my eyes.
Jesse: She looks like a hooker.
The girls: You look so cute, you’re so hot.
Suddenly Karen’s boyfriend appears. “Karen, where the heck ya been? I been looking for you all day.” And in the back of that poor soul’s mind he wishes he was still looking. Happy Birthday Buddy!!
Denny arrives at the end of the day. The girls tell him work was “cool.” Again with that new word. They decide that since they are so good at their new job, they want to give Denny a little make-over, a la washing the gray out of his beard and eyebrows. Again with the bleach.
He likes it. Maybe his name is really Mikey.
Denny goes home. Lori laughs. And then he removes his bandana and sports his new Mohawk.
My name is Denny, but you can call me Nakomis.
All in a day’s work. The girls earn $100, which they use to buy a Clapper.
Cue that catchy music.
Miss Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks. Miss Hilton, you act like you don’t give a . . .
1431 miles to go. Will it ever end?
Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004 Edited to add, I know I screwed up the subject line. It should be Episode 9, sorry.
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