****Official Summary – The Simple Life 2: Feeling Caliente****Ah, the Simple Life. . . For all these years Dajaki thought it was enjoying family and friends and not allowing oneself to be unnecessarily encumbered by the hassles of the rat race. Turns out, the Simple Life is really two bottle-blondes who travel with camera crews, make general nuisances of themselves and occasionally show sparks of humanity when reciting really bad poetry.
The bottle-blondes du jour are Paris, who is tall, skinny and not as attractive as she thinks she is, and Nicole, who is short, somewhat ribald and not as funny as she thinks she is. Both have led very sheltered, privileged lives and are now touring the country with an awesome rig (pink king-cab truck with a posh Airstream) in search of The Simple Life.
Paris and Nicole begin their day on the road looking for grub. They end up at a Burger King in central Florida where Paris pulls into the drive-thru. After figuring that the laws of physics aren’t going to allow a trailer-towing truck around the tight bends of the miniscule lane (Dajaki drives a Chevy Astro so Dajaki knows how they feel), the cutely coiffed duo abandon their rig and saunter into BK. The girls end up ordering the menu (and this will be a trend), then discover that they cannot pay for all the food they’ve ordered and have partially consumed (this will also be a trend). The funniest part of this episode, of which we may see repeats as they make their way across the USA, is that Nicole completely snarfs her food whereas Paris nibbles, yet both still manage to consume the same volume.
Back to the problem of being unable to pay. To get out of their little quandary, Paris and Nicole try several maneuvers. First, they use stall tactics. Paris insists that she knows where the rest of their money is and runs out to the truck, which is still blocking the drive-thru lane, to hunt for loose change while Nicole opens her gaping maw and shoves down the equivalent of the all-you-can-eat buffet at Caesar's Palace. Then, upon Paris's returning nearly empty handed, Nicole takes a crack at scrounging for cash in the truck which is really just an excuse to eat another burger. When she returns with no cash, she tries Tactic #2: Try to convince the BK staff that the food was delivered to them half eaten. This plan falls through when the manager scoffs, "We know what's in this crap! Do you really think we'd eat it?" Finally, P&N must rely on Tactic #3: The tried-and-true begging for cash from complete strangers whose parents don't own hotel chains. One poor sap pulls the cash out of his wallet to count it, giving Nicole the opportunity to grab it all, pay and get out of fast food hell.
On their way to their next destination somewhere in central Florida, Paris and Nicole lament the fact that they are broke. Nicole decides that they'll become strippers if they must whereas Paris has figured out what the folks who hang around highway exits know - You can make more money begging.
Paris and Nicole are now on the lookout for Caliente, the location of their next job. The discussion about Caliente goes something like this:
Paris: Sounds weird.
Nicole: Sounds hot.
Paris: Sounds like a strip club.
What do you know? The girls are right on all counts. Caliente, it turns out, is a nudist facility for people who own RVs and can't wait to shed their socially acceptable clothing. Fortunately, Fox has been kind enough to cover all private parts with one-size-fits-all smiley faces. Network execs clearly didn't want to face any libel or defamation suits by angry Caliente folks who required the tiniest of smiley faces.
In the morning, Paris and Nicole wake up and look for a shower. Upon hearing that the showers are public (Ewww!), Nicole decides to knock on the door of an apartment. Yes, apparently some people choose to live at Caliente full-time. The older couple living in the apartment is gracious enough to lend their facilities and to submit to an impromptu interview. The feisty codger, upon being asked why he chose nudism, relates a story about his Navy years that clearly falls under the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy of our former president. Strangely, he also thinks that nudism means that it's okay to wear a shirt but be buck naked below the belt line. And by "he" I mean the Caliente dweller, not the former president. I really don't know how Clinton dresses for nudist facilities.
Paris and Nicole show up nearly 2 hours late for their job briefing with the manager of Caliente, Tom Landers. Tom runs down some of the philosophical reasons for being a nudist and gives the girls a quick synopsis of their rules. Basically, don't stare and don't laugh. Tom wants people to feel comfortable when they are au naturel. Which, I guess, is also why he requires every bare-bottomed patron to put a towel between tush and cushion when they sit. This relieves Nicole who thinks that nudists have public sex on the tropically upholstered sofas in the lobby.
Once orientation is over, Paris and Nicole are given the first of two tasks for the day. They are being put on housekeeping duty complete with black uniforms that they take several minutes sexing up so they can look more nude. The head of housekeeping directs Paris and Nicole to a room in dire need of a bottle of Lysol and describes the 92 point cleaning process. 92 points? Has anyone ever stayed in a hotel room where they can list 92 positive, clean items? Not me. But then, Dajaki is a Motel 6 girl. I'm lucky if all the clothing from the previous occupant are gone, which they weren't the last time I stayed at the Motel 6 in Ely, Nevada (plaid pajamas, anyone?). During this briefing, Paris and Nicole learn their first 4-syllable word: termination.
Eventually the young ladies are directed to Rm. 117, their first room they get to clean on their own. The creepy nude inhabitant is quickly taken away despite his reassurance that he won't get in the way, and Paris and Nicole are left to their own devices. Rather than getting right to work with their mops and dust rags, and Dajaki was positive they would, the two take the nudist's cell phone and order a ton of food. After making a huge mess, they show some sign of intelligence and order maid service. A Colombian immigrant, wearing an unmodified maid uniform, cleans all 92 points required by Caliente and is told that she may put a huge tip for herself on the room tab. I'm sure the person who has rented Rm. 117 will appreciate that.
After their foray into domesticity, Paris and Nicole are sent to a Body Acceptance Course. Let me say that the last three people who need this course are Paris, Nicole and a really hot guy with pecs and abs of steel. Everyone else is older, flabby and pale as vampires. Nicole and Paris predictably tell all that they love their bodies. Yeah, we know. You also love your hair, your plastic surgeons and the Pink Passion polish on your toenails. What's so funny about the first portion of the Body Acceptance Course (Dajaki is 7 months pregnant and should probably take this course) is when the participants are asked to pair up and ask their partners what they like about their bodies. Nicole, who is a bit of a horndog, pairs up with the hot guy. Paris, meanwhile, approaches an older woman. When asked by Paris what she likes about her body, the older woman states how she likes that her body shows that she has aged naturally. This completely flummoxes Paris who must ask what it means to age naturally. She can't quite grasp the fact that some people choose not to assist their bodies with silicone, Botox or liposuction.
The second half of the class is consumed with really bad poetry. All class members are asked to write a poem about nudism. Nicole's poem is bleeped out so much that she could be reciting dirty limericks from memory. Paris's poem also sucks though she's told that she has captured the essence of what nudism is about. Okay, whatever. Dajaki has a little poem that she wrote for her own personal growth:
There is too much skin to be seen
In this uncomfortable room.
I don't want to see you nekkid
Unless you're Orlando Bloom.
As a reward for being excellent housekeepers and for participating in a dumbass class designed to help nudists gain their self-esteem, Paris and Nicole get to attend the nightly disco. While dancing to The Village People's "YMCA," Nicole contemplates gleefully stripping while Paris demurs. It's okay, Paris. Most people with internet access have already seen you naked.
2,392 miles to go. We can only guess what adventures await, but I'm betting on begging for money, ordering more food than can be eaten, and risque job assignments.
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