Come and listen to a story 'bout Paris and Nicole
Two bleached blondes should be dancin' on a pole
Then one day they go drivin down the road
in a pink pickup truck with a big silver load
airstream that is...
really posh....
trailer posh....
It's not enough to suffer through one episode in a night. No, they gave us two. A whole knee-slappin' hour's worth of airheaded, shallow fun! Episode 2 starts out with what looks to be a very interesting and highly amusing traffic stop. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are pulled over, though they had to be told by the cop actually to do so. What? Were they thinking if they ignored it, it would go away? (Psst, Paris...it didn't work with your little porn debut, and it's not gonna work here.) Paris primps for the officer, and Nicole asks what they can do to get out of a ticket and *gasp* seem almost contrite when told blue lights on a car are illegal! I mean, it's so 'ghetto' and in LA 'ghetto' is too cool to be illegal.
Remember Paris didn't bring her driver's license? Well guess what kiddies?! In the real world that's a big no-no. In their world? "Do you KNOW who I AM?!" were likely the first words out of their mouths, evidenced by the previous episode's massive shopping trip without said ID. Cop checks registration, comes back to pink truck (They do NOT deserve that sweet ride, thank you), and tells them "Aww shucks...here's your warning. Have a nice trip. Did you all'uns git mah good side? I dint knowed we was ohn teevee!." Why do I get the feeling this happens to them a lot.
Crisis averted by production staff, and the poor girls are plum wore out from their brush with 'da law', as well as complaining about hunger or something. (You mean they eat?? Food??? Who knew.) They pull into a trailer park ("Is this like...a REAL trailer park? EWWWWWW") and get the single toothed gent (Ok, maybe he had two...) to help them set up. This guy is far too nice, is all I can say. So I can forgive him lingering around the door a little too long. He warns them about the ducks. (Ducks?) They scoff. He warns them about the black and white ducks (Ohhhh!! Black and WHITE ducks...well that makes all the difference!) They scoff again. He warns them about the ducks and points out they have them little....doggies. They say they've never seen ducks eat dogs. He offers to show them the...ducks...in the morning. They roll their eyes.
Thing 1 and 2 forage for food and Nearly Toothless Nick comments from the door (Yes, he's still hanging around..so weird.) that there's no propane so they can't use the stove. Aha! Microwave! Soup! We're in business. Now just pull out the metal pot, Paris. Yep, that's the one. Go ahead...throw it in the microwave oven. It's perfectly ok.
Paris: Gee, this smells funny, and look at the pretty spark thingies.
Nicole: Wow, that's cool. Look at my boobs.
Paris: I hope my soup tastes better than you smell.
Nearly Toothless Nick, who is *still* in the doorway: Hey you know you'ins ain't s'posed to put no metal pot in the microwave thingie.
Nicole: Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you that.
Paris: Oh yeah...that's why this handle is all melty. Let's go to bed now...
Ahh if it were just that simple...actually, it was. But just when you thought it was safe to reside in the trailer park.....
Ducks: Quack, quack!
Paris: Ooooh! Did we lock the doors from the evil, scary ducks we don't really believe in but are now suddenly terrified of???
Nicole: No, go do it so you can shake your a$$ some more...and don't forget to forget to bring in your hairball of a dog.
Morning breaks. Paris is out calling for Tinkerbell (We're treated to footage of aforementioned ducks lolling about in the lake. I don't know about you, but I'm scared now.). Paris almost crinkles her botox'd brow with worry for her dog she couldn't have cared less about last night. Nothing. Ominous music, another shot of the ducks. Distant dog barking.
Hurrah! Tinkerbell has come home! A small rat wearing a blue sweater barks and runs up to Paris and she is elated! But hungry. (again with the eating. Who knew!) After a few shots of blurred-out buttcrack, the girls wander off in search of food to mooch off of anyone else. Comments are made about the (ewwwww) trailer park, and the begging begins. They ask several people if they've got any breakfast. Smart people. They give varying replies ranging from "Go away, skank. You dont fool me.", to, for the tooth impaired, "No". Finally, they're directed to a family of folk who live in the park and make a big breakfast each morning. These nice people (...and they really were nice) have the ingrates...err...girls...join them for a spot of eggs and hashbrowns, some sort of sausage (probably duck) and who knows what else. I don't know about the rest of you, but down here in tha' south, that there...is some good eatin! I have to say at this point that I'm nearly impressed with Paris and Nicole's display of politeness...nearly. They don't openly mock the folks they're feasting with, but eyes are rolled and food is not very discreetly disposed of. After enjoying breakfast with strangers, and learning that said strangers pee in a bucket "right over there" (Did we really need to know that? Did we even need to ask?!?) they return to their own swanky trailer where they proceed to complain about the food.
Nearly Toothless Nick appears and tells them they have to go to work at some water park. (Yep, it's just that interesting.) The girls spend some unknown amount of time changing clothes and rearraging various accoutrements of snottiness to be ready for their first 'job'...well second, if you're counting Dirty Daddy...and I am.
Nearly Toothless Nick unhitches the trailer for them, and they're off to some backwoods waterpark thing. Let me tell you, this place has nothing on Disney, boys and girls. Sure, it might not be as much fun, but they are 'famous for our mermaid act'. Mermaids. Wow. And Disney only has talking mice.
The non blondes are told they're to audition (Huh? Daddy can't buy my way in?) for the act. The ladies instructing them, one of whom is named Satina, the other, who cares.... have them watch a bit of the work they'll be doing (people swimming underwater in mermaid fins and bikini tops...woo) then they send our blondes off to eat some grub. While dining on some kind of charred meat and little ears of corn, a random person strikes up conversation with the girls and asks how they're making money, because she saw the first show and all, and knows how it works. Nicole seems awfully proud of her begging skills, and the strange lady has a proposition for them. (No, not *that* kind of proposition. Honestly, you people get your minds out of that gutter now!) She and her manfolk type person had some outing that night but couldn't bring the yung'un. Maybe if the girls wanted to earn some money they could watch the kid for them? (Hey weird lady! I thought you said you saw the first season.) The girls agree, naturally. Now, let's look at this situation carefully. A precious little girl (...and she is). Two dimwitted, flighty, self centered, inexperienced, thoughtless blonde socialites(...and they are) who can't even keep a chihuahua safe from a giant, flesh eating duck. Put the two together and you've got....well, we'll get to that.
Back to work. Satina and other girl send them off to change and make a few snide comments while the girls are changing into their gear. Big surprise, Paris is given a bright pink bikini top and matching fin. Ok maybe not too bright, but then, neither is she. Nicole, and this is too funny, is given a turtle costume complete with big huge turtle head to wear. They ladies assure Nicole the crowd LOVES the turtle. Sure. And the turtle has a great sense of humor. Whatever. Nicole is not convinced.
Swim, shiver, swim some more, try to act mermaid-y (and turtle-y). Wow, this is entertainment, I tell you. No name lady says to Satina "If I drank, this is where I'd get a strong drink." Hilarity does not ensue, because the girls swim to the top and give up. Guess they can't make it as mythical creatures and dancing/swimming turtles. They wont be allowed to perform in the big mermaid show. Altogether now..."Aaaaawwwwwwww". Ok, moving on.
Night falls, the kid is dropped off by the strange lady and instructions are given. "No sugar after 8, bed by 9 and no cursing please". After they tart up the poor kid in drag queen makeup and try to get her to say all manner of dirty words while feeding her licorice, they decide playing hide and go seek outside, in the dark, is a great idea! Even better than that? Nicole will go to the tiny bathroom while Paris and little girl hide in different directions! Holy moly! This is a great game!
Now, in fairness, the 'list of things not to do' did not specifically state "please do not lose my child in the dark night", so I could be making more out of this bungle than I should....but, needless to say, child is not located once the rousing game of hide and get lost is complete. Seems Paris isn't very good at hiding behind twigs, or maybe Nicole is just really good at seeking. (Or maybe they're used to a different sort of hide and seek entirely.) They sportingly call for the kid a few times, then shrug. But suddenly, momma drives up, and she is not at all amused they have lost her darling child. (What? You expected more??? Whatever.) She calls out for her kid, a touch of panic in her voice. (Has anyone thought to check in the trailer?) She runs out into the darkness a few feet, calls some more. (Hello!? Check the trailer?!!) The girls stand there looking somehow pleased with themselves, though I can't imagine why. (They, too, havent' checked the trailer.) For some weird reason, mom yells again and kid pops out of...you guessed it...the trailer! (Told you!) Mom sees the makeup and oohs and ahhs. (Props to her restraint. She neither kills the girls for messing with the kid, nor said they made her up to look like an underaged schoolgirl sold to sex trade.) I believe the exact words were "Ooh that makeup is....quite something". Southerners can be so polite when they're dripping venom.
After all that tension and action, the girls can only do one thing...unwind at Coyote Ugly with the other mermaids. That's what *I* always do, anyway. Don't we all? Paris announces to her new pals that she and turtle-girl have been cut from the upcoming big mermaid extravaganza. The ever supportive washed up whore barflies..err...mermaids rally around the crushed blondes. (Get it? Washed up? Water? Mermaids? I kill me...) In what was clearly an attempt to cheer the girls up, and not at all an attempt to suck up, a mer-fly slurs to Nicole how much she loves Lionel Richie (I felt for Nicole here, I really did...for a second, anyway.). Is there any question that the the girls end up dancing on the bar to a cheering crowd? Hmm, they're better dancing on bartops than in water. That's gotta sting. I'm sure this dulled the pain of losing out on that mermaid/turtle gig, so we'll forgive the table dancing...this time.
Big enormous blonde thanks to GrendelsMom for suggesting Nearly Toothless Nick, and pointing out that there are never too many ellipses
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