It’s week 3 of NBC’s abbreviated Average Joe series, and the action promises to be fast and furious. At the end of this episode, Adam will have to eliminate half of the 10 remaining lovely women. Feel free to skip right to them!
To make things fun, I’m including a dating show checklist. We can use it to keep track of the cliché story lines we are expecting. Feel free to make and distribute copies to your friends. Here it is:
1) Chemistry / connection claim
2) Hot tub scene
3) Make out scene
4) Girl proclaims she’s not there to make friends
5) Can’t trust anybody speech
6) Romantic boat ride
7) The show will be referred to as a “process”
8) Bachelor points out the quirks of dating n women at once
Thankfully, we get a very abbreviated recap of last week’s episode and a preview of what’s to come tonight. Considering these clips often span the first 5-7 minutes of other reality shows, I am grateful that tonight, their total is about one minute. Also, to speed up you summary reading, I have put snarky comments in red.
We learn that the girls will compete for private dates with Adam. Their first event is to assemble a basketball backboard and hoop. Why a basketball backboard and hoop? I have three theories. Pick your favorite and run with it!
a) Adam is obsessed with basketball, and this will test the women’s knowledge of the game – <the orange hoop should be parallel to the ground….>
b) Adam wants to marry a woman who is capable of being the one to stay up all night on Christmas/Hanukkah Eve assembling toys for the kids.
c) Adam has started a fledgling outdoor recreation products company and needs a few experienced installers.
Anyway, the first to completely assemble her backboard and make a hoop wins a date that night. Christine (aka The Gamer) finishes first for the win, but not before Tracilee’s claws come out, which I mean quite literally, as the camera shows us that Tracilee is sporting a set of massive fingernails that extend at least an inch beyond the end of her fingers. Jen A. comments they look like silver Fritos ™. Mmm, salty snacks. Stay here, I’ll be right back....
My Own Average Joe Advice for Women - No Average Joe wants to have anything to do with a woman with nails this long. If you want a guy who appreciates long nails, I would recommend a BDSM club.
To celebrate Christine’s win, the women stop working and decide to shoot some hoops. Tracilee insists on finishing what she started, and is sulking because none of the girls offer to help her. This comes right after she told us that she’s not here to become friends and play nice. Well, make up your mind Tracilee. Either you’re here on your own, OR you want to be part of the group. You can’t have it both ways. Thanks, though, for letting us check off items 4 and 5 from our list.
The second contest involves day trading. Each girl gets $10,000 in starting capital and I guess they have to pretend to buy and sell stocks to make as much money as they can. Adam is going around helping all the girls, but confides he really wants to go out with Samantha. She is down $18,000 (seems hard to do when you start with $10,000) when he comes over to help. A few keystrokes later, she’s made a profit of $21,000! That does it, I’m quitting my day job (along with 50,000 other deadbeat AJ-AR watchers with similarly stupid delusions of grandeur.) Samantha has won date contest #2.
In a move that’s very unpopular with the rest of the girls, Adam awards Tracilee a private date for overcoming her fears in bullfighting and for sticking with the basketball hoop construction. She will go out to ice cream with Adam.
Traci and Adam have their little ice cream social, then head back to his mansion where once again, Adam has trouble popping his cork. is this symbolic of something? Tracilee gets the award for being the first one this episode to mention the “c” word (chemistry), which covers checklist item #1. This is always the easiest item to check off. They kiss, and we hear coyotes howling in the background, which kind of freaks Adam out because every time he makes out with a girl, the coyotes howl.
Tracilee goes back to the mansion, but won’t share anything about their date including what flavor ice cream she ate don’t let the other girls know you like mint chocolate fudge ripple. That kind of info could come back to haunt you! Pick her now, Adam. She’ll be a fun one to spend your life with!!
Date 2 has Christine and Adam racing go-karts and track-controlled drag racing. Adam enjoys it saying “I’m finally in an extreme sport and I wasn’t scared.” Sorry Adam, drag racing in a car tied to a track isn’t an extreme sport; it’s a Disneyland ride. Now they're hungry for dinner, which Christine comments is heavily garlic laden. Adam says this could be bad for the “make out scene” later. Apparently this wasn’t in Christine’s script because she is unaware that such a scene is coming up. (Adam pulls out his script copy and points out the make out scene to Christine.) In the voiceover he says “it’s pretty typical for me to eat a chunk of garlic right before I want to kiss a girl. I think that makes me human.” Eating garlic makes you human??? Funny, Heh!) Christine finds the make out session in hers script and they proceed to clean each other’s tonsils. (Item #3, check!). Then, they’re off for a romantic boat ride (item #6)
Meanwhile, back at the girl’s house, Jen A really wants to make friends with Traci, and figures the best way is to tell Traci about the “Frito claws” comment she made behind Traci’s back. Astonishingly, Traci doesn’t consider this a friendly gesture! Jen, give it up already. How could you possibly care whether she was your friend? More drama ensues between Traci and the other girls.
Zach is Back
The third date is with Samantha, whom Adam thinks is HOT. They are returning to the golf course where he first started to win Melana’s heart. Little does he know that Zach – his AJ1 nemesis - is back to stir things up a bit. Zach is hiding behind the bushes, spying on Adam, which must be tough what with all the cameras, boom mikes, lighting, etc. He somehow manages to “sneak up” on Adam and Samantha and put 30 lbs of rocks in Adam’s golf bag. I get it – it will be hard to carry! But why didn’t they get a cart while they were at the clubhouse? I guess that just wouldn’t be funny. My intelligence is starting to feel insulted.
Next, Adam must shoot a six or better on the hole he played last time to beat his previous score of 7. If he succeeds, he and Samantha get a spa date; otherwise, they become the grounds crew for the day. Well, I counted 6 strokes, including the penalty for taking the ball out of the bushes and going into the water before he even gets on the green! Yet still, Adam says if he makes this putt, they will be going to the spa! While Adam prepares for THE. MOST. DRAMATIC. FAKE. PUTT. EVER, Zach uses a remote control device to run the cart off the cliff and into the water hazard behind them. Forget the final putt, our couple must work for the rest of the day to “pay for the damage to the cart”.
Their first maintenance task is to pick the range balls up in the range cart, which is covered with a giant cage to protect the driver from oncoming golf balls. Every golfer knows the object is to try and hit the range cart. Likewise, all golfers know this is a nearly impossible task – except on the Average Joe show, of course, as Samantha and Adam are pelted with range balls. Hmmm, how do you suppose they did that?
Various maintenance tasks ensue, and hey at least Adam got a tip from one of the course regulars. Their maintenance day concludes with another make out scene, this time at the fake urging of a golfer on the course. This is too much to take. Can I get some WINE to go with this cheese?
And then here it is – finally – the obligatory hot tub scene (check off box #2, please).
Back at the girl’s house, they are getting set to watch the Average Joe – Hawaii finale. A visitor arrives, and it’s none other than AJ- Hawaii finalist, Brian Worth! Brian, you are a GENIUS! You know your heart is going to be broken on national TV; what better way to spend that hour than with nine Average Joe sympathizing beautiful young ladies – five of whom will have their hearts broken very soon as well! We see clips and recaps of the AJ-Hawaii series, culminating with Larissa’s horrible acting as she announce that Gil, not Brian is her chosen one. Brian is emotional, and the girls groan in disgust, and it doesn’t look like there’s a dry eye in the house. Wait yes there is. I think Tracilee is upset because Brian is sitting between two other girls. Why not her? Isn’t she good enough? Are the other girls telling Brian lies about her? Those b******!
Jen A consoles Brian by pointing out that some of them are going to be eliminated really soon. It’s the funniest line of the night. Okay, it’s the only funny line of the night!
Back to Adam’s date, featuring another make out scene. Adam points out the complexities of dating multiple girls who are living together, and finally I can scratch item (#8) off my checklist. He acknowledges he’s been making out with all of them and hopes he can keep it under wraps. Which of course, leads us to the girl’s mansion where they are showing a commercial for their own show - and Adam is making out with each girl he has dated. The girls sit in stunned silence. Finally, Traci rewinds the tape (tape? I thought it was LIVE? Another sloppy editing trick! I’m about ready to give up.)
Anyway, Traci rewinds the tape and they stop to identify each girl Adam is making out with – Amy, Rachel, Christine. Courtney is upset because Adam’s not making out with her and goes to the backyard to cry. Privately, Christine tries to empathize with the girls who haven’t gotten to make out with Adam yet, but eventually can’t withhold her glee and starts laughing. Jennifer Lifshitz (Lifshitz, Lifshitz, Lifshitz, Lifshitz – okay, I’ve got that out of my system now) goes into the bathroom to cry and once again remind us how insecure she is. Look for Jennifer on a future edition of The Swan, another upcoming reality show.
Traci is mad at all the girls – how dare they make out with Adam when they know she has feelings for him. They have a connection, dammit!Okay, not really. I just made this part up.
Jen A initiates a toast “here’s to being young and good looking, and the girls exchange mushy sentiments about the wonderful friends they’ve made (as Tracilee rolls here eyes in the foreground). Adam walks in and the girls tell him they have seen the promos with him making out with everybody. He’s embarrassed, they’re upset. Will all these relationships crumble? Apparently not because Adam asks if they’re mad at him for that and they’re all quick to assure him they’re not mad. Privately, Rachel tells us that it makes sense that he’d need to kiss them all to find out if there’s chemistry, so she’s okay with that. ‘Ya gotta love Rachel’s sensible attitude.
Adam hopes to still be friends with the 5 who go tonight, and the first one gone is Heather, who says he never had a chance to get to know her. Next is Jen L. She’s not disappointed because he didn’t get to know her. (the water works are flowing pretty freely for someone who’s not disappointed, though.) Third on Adam’s list Jennifer A, who doesn’t seem too upset, but notes that guys she dates will be held to a higher standard. Fourth is Courtney. She is upset because he didn’t get to know her.
Traci gets the final boot, and that must be really embarrassing because she’s the only one he eliminated that had a private date with him. Traci tells us she handled herself with class and dignity throughout the PROCESS (thanks Traci, #7 was the last item on my checklist) and there is someone out there who’s right for her. (I’m betting it’s someone with a twisted perception of class and dignity)
So there are five girls left. They all gather round, kiss, hug, and generally make out and Adam tells us privately he’s excite about the possibility of a little girl on girl action Okay, not really. But I do wish he could keep two girls instead of jus tone. THAT would be a twist! Actually he’s excited about the prospect of being swept away by one of these girls. It’s up to them now. Personally, I’m excited because this show is finally over. This episode and its dirty little editing tricks have left me feeling unclean, and it’s time for a shower.
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