Is anyone still watching Average Joe? Waiting for this summary? If so, I apologize profusely, repeatedly and continuously that this summary is tardy. I got caught up in a project at work that was:

a) Uglier than the line-up of (below) Average Joes in bathing suits
b) Uglier than Larissa’s attitude on the first night of this show
c) Uglier than cockiness of the Himbos
d) Uglier than the words Michael C & Fredo use to describe Larissa
e) All of the above
f) A-C; there is nothing as ugly as men who will use these words to describe a woman on National Television

Unfortunately, this probably won’t be a summary. By definition a summary should cover the main points succinctly. I have never been succinct in my life. Anyway, previously on Average Joe…

Read Silver Star’s entertaining summary. The himbos arrive. The (below) Average Joes freak out. They show the fight between the (below) Average Joes and the himbos. Brian Worth says something. I’m from California. I need subtitles. It went something like: Nobawdy is goig to cum eento my hawse and push me or eany of mai buddies aw-rond.

They then show clips from the Dodge Ball Game from last week—the one with the Shirts and Skins--because we wouldn’t have been able to tell the teams apart by the different color of shorts they were wearing. Imagine the outrage if this were Average Jane. And you thought the Super Bowl half time show was racy.

I love this show. It encompasses everything I despised about high school. So, some notes got passed back and forth in home room. This one appears to be from Larissa, because it is folded a little origami shape. (And yes, for you guys that were wondering, there is a secret class on note folding for the girls only.)

Dear Production Crew:

The last two weeks, you haven’t let me eliminate anyone. I am getting sick of some of these guys. I can’t remember some of the Himbos’ names. I can’t remember which of the (below) Average Joe’s I’ve already kissed. 16 is too many men to date. Help! Please let me eliminate some of these guys. Please, please, please. I promise I’ll do anything. I’ll even kiss some more (below) Average Joe’s. And I’ll keep around some of the Himbos that have interesting personalities, even though they have no chance in he!! of ever getting to second base with me.

I’ll even show up at your place around midnight. Tonight? Let me know.

SWAK,
Larissa

Larissa receives a note from the producers of the show, rolled up and placed on the inside of a Bic ball point pen. That way, when Larissa asks to borrow a pen, nobody (besides us) notices. It reads:

Dear Larissa,

The (below) Average Joes are feeling insecure. Half of them have asked us if they could leave because they don’t think they stand a chance against the himbos you keep kissing.

Will you please go spend some time with them and perk them up a little bit?

If you do that, we will let you vote off 6 of these guys this week.

Love,
The Production Staff

PS After that, come to my place around midnight. Wear something comfortable. A hot tub will be involved.

Leading the Horses to Water
So, the (below) Average boys meet to go horseback riding with Larissa.

Meanwhile, back at the house, a cartoon which Theo drew emerges. It is a very unflattering drawing of Larissa with bulging eyes on the first night the himbos arrived. Next to her are three of the (below) Average Joes. David Daschal is soiling himself once he sees the himbos arrive. The himbos laugh. Theo is just so funny. Theo is the star of the himbos. He basks in the attention. He claims that once Larissa laid eyes on them she knew the hardship was over. He is completely smug about this.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the (below) Average Joe’s saddle up. The following comments were actually said by the (below) Average Joe’s.

David is happy because it is his turn to shine. He’s going to fight for Larissa. He’s always wanted to ride backwards, but he has never ridden before. The horse…what where you thinking?

Brian W and Brian G are extremely clever and witty. They are both well versed in horse cliché. Brian W wants his hawse to know that he’s neva agreed with beating a daad hawse. Or something like that. Subtitles, I need subtitles.

Sean thinks the hardest part of horseback riding is getting on the horse. It is. The hardest part of horseback riding for everyone else is watching Sean get on the horse. You know you felt sorry for the horse.

The Brian’s are still in cliché land. They have moved along to “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” Consider the analogy to your situation, cowboy.. You can spend time with Larissa and show her what a better man you are than the himbos, but you can’t make her like you.

David wants to know if there is a seatbelt. David is excited because he is able to get on without getting thrown off. On the horse.

Larissa shows up after the guys are on their horses, so she doesn’t have to witness their ineptitude. She has a genuine smile on her face, because, remember she just finished reading the note that the Production Crew passed her in home room.

Thomas puts a kerchief over his face as he rides the horse. I can’t figure out if he is pretending to be a bandito or if he has a germ phobia like Donald Trump. It is not his best look, but then again, has he even had a good look since he came here? Larissa suggests that he use the kerchief to cover his entire head, but Thomas demurs.

Larissa takes the (below) Average Joe’s to a barn. The producers want her to have a roll in the hay or tell the boys that she really wants them here. She opts for the second plan and talks to all of them.

Fredo is happy that the old group is back together. He admits that there are a couple of cocky new guys, but he found no intimidation because he doesn’t opinionate people. The Fredo, he smart.

Thomas pulls the guilt trip angle with Larissa, informing her that whatever competition there is, they will fight---no matter how lopsided it is. He’s all heart, this guy is.

Larissa talks to Sean about feeling sorry for himself. She tells him that sometimes very attractive people have less personality than a doorknob. Sean starts flirting with the door to the barn and realizes that Larissa is correct. He gives the doorknob a kiss, and Larissa, in a fit of pique because he never once kissed her on their date (even while she was hanging all over him in the hot tub in her cute little bikini) orders him out of the barn. He is still laughing at a joke the doorknob told while he is being escorted out.

Brian G, is not worried, because he is sexual chocolate.

I would have made up something there, but sometimes the truth is funnier. I have absolutely no comment. Form your own opinion. Brian G. also brags that he could verbally shred all of the himbos. Yeah, Brian, that worked so well in your first conversation with Michael K. You really showed him. The himbos are all afraid of you now. They are trying to steer clear of you and your rapier tongue.

David’s still happy about his first ride. On the horse.

Mike S tells Larissa that ALL of the himbos are exactly identical. I roll my eyes at this entire conversation. I think he is trying to be funny, but I’m sure he doesn’t like it when the himbos stereotype all the (below) Average Joes. Why is he sinking to their level? He tells Larissa that if you pick up their right foot, you’ll see Made in Sweden on the bottom. This does not have the desired effect on Larissa, however, as her eyes light up at the prospect of inspecting these sculptured men.

Brian Worth starts off by saying, “Howdy little buckaroo!” has nothing to lose and decides that he is going to be the world’s largest tattletale. He gives Larissa a carefully edited version of the confrontation of Michael K. It was about as close to reality as the movie Gladiator, but Larissa, being a huge fan of Russell Crowe, eats it up. He calls Brian an arrogant prick, which is bleeped out. (I’m not sure why prick is bleeped out and beaver isn’t, but who am I to question the FCC?)

Instead of waiting for Larissa to ask him about the boys, Tony asks Larissa what she is going through. Reluctantly, I have to give him full credit for his strategy. Smart move! Larissa cobbles together some story about how she was thinking about him and worrying about what he was thinking since they had such a connection on their first date. Tony reports to the boys that he heard what he needed to hear. Tony, sweetie, she had you at hello. Jerry Macguire music playing in the background and everything. She could have said anything. And, since you believed that load of crap, I have some beachfront property on the market just for you.

Larissa looks through the group of guys. She’s already kissed Tony, Mike S, David and Brian. It doesn’t seem likely germ phobe Thomas will submit to her kissing him without some medical tests and Sean wouldn’t even kiss her in the hot tub. Her prospects are limited. She settles on Brian Worth, as the rest of the guys clap.

They go on a carriage ride and she tells him they are going to HER yacht. I wonder if this is what they mean at the end of the show when they say that Larissa has been reimbursed for some personal living expenses for being on the show. Brian reveals that he has nevah gone on any boats except on a booze cruise in Boston Harbah. Oooh… my heart, be still. This guy is suave. He is wicked excited to be picked.

And Larissa writes a note and passes it in Health Class:

Dear Production Crew,

Can’t you clean this guy up for our date together? Please. I’ll do anything. The TV viewers are really going to hate me if I can’t get attracted to any of these below Average Joes. He can even borrow my make up.

XOXO,
Larissa

Some Wicked Enchanted Evening

Brian cleans up and gets a haircut. He actually doesn’t look as bad as before, but this date is interdispursed with confessionals and I have to ask, did they wake him up in the middle of the night to make these? His hair looks worse than before in the confessionals. Apparently, like Cinderella, at midnight everything goes back to the way it was before.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Michael C makes fun of Brian. He wants to be a fly on the wall, so he can see how Brian handles himself. Tony sticks up for Brian and says that Larissa gets a kick out of him. Michael C says “So do I, but you don’t see me trying to kiss him at the end of the night.” Or something like that. I think anybody who wanted to kiss Michael C would change her mind quickly. This man is so in love with himself—he is unlikely to have any competition.

Moment of Overshare

Meanwhile back on the date, Larissa compliments Brian on his hair. Brian says it is how his mother wants him to wear his hair. Hmmm…should I stoop to either Oedipus or Freud commentary? It’s just too easy. Brian describes his government job as a pseudo-James Bond type of job. He is an auditor for Homeland Security. Homeland security is fairly new. Do you suppose he was previously unemployed? In any event, he is an auditor. I used to be an auditor. It is a very sexy profession.

Brian then decides to open up and tells Larissa that getting attached is a trouble spot in his life. He says that he has never been in love, except with his mother and father. Again, foregoing the Oedipus or Freudian complexes, the first thing that comes to my mind is either:
a) He’s a 31 year old virgin; or
b) He has sex with people he’s not in love with
Not that there is anything wrong with either a) or b), but generally speaking, unless dating etiquette has changed in the last ten years, this what is commonly referred to as an overshare on a first date. Not as bad as the Mike S’s overshare on his date two episodes ago, but an overshare nonetheless. Brian explains in a confessional that he needed to step it up, because he may never meet another Larissa. Hmmm…so your job isn’t exactly like James Bond, then, is it? 007 wouldn’t have a problem finding another “Larissa.”

Larissa has no doubts as to his respect for her. She says that he is the most interesting person that she ever met. If this is true…if she’s being as honest with us as she expects these guys to be with her…she REALLY needs to get out more. Oh, the life of a beauty pageant contestant! They just don’t get to meet anyone interesting.

Meanwhile, back on the date, Brian decides to subtly hint towards the fact he has “friends” that aren’t as pure and sincere as he so obviously is. Yes, let’s cut down the mysterious friends to build you up. Evidently there are certain guys who he knows (mumbleMichaelmumble) who might say anything to get places with a girl (mumbleToddmumble.) *Gasp!* No, say it isn’t so! Brian reassures us that he is not a “phony baloney.” With him, what you see is what you get. Brian, sweetie, THAT is what we are afraid of.

They each confess their mutual like for each other, and they kiss.

Larissa’s confessional indicates that she trusts him more than anyone in the house, which is intended to be a compliment for Brian, but to me, just demonstrates the character of the rest of the guys in the house. Larissa doesn’t want this evening to end…largely because she knows what she promised the production crew.

Brian sees himself falling in love. He returns to the house, singing in the rain.

The boys are waiting up for him, happy to hear the details. However, it becomes apparent to them that Todd and Mike are laughing AT Brian, not WITH him. They claim that Larissa picked Brian as a “pity date.” They play fishing as if Larissa is “baiting him.” Brian is happier than ever, because not only did he have a date with a beautiful woman, but also some of his competition is still a prick and he still has someone’s balls to bust. At this, I am laughing AT Brian too, and also Todd and Mike C. I cannot credit that these men performed above average on the IQ test, but I suppose it is true that common sense and intelligence go hand in hand. At this point, there is no clear evidence of either common sense or intelligence.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the biggest Tattletale of them all?

Meanwhile, a special package arrives for Todd. Much to my disappointment, because I’m sure he could use another type of package ifyaknowwatimean, it contains a tuxedo. It seems that Larissa has decided to invite Todd on a special date. Todd takes a helicopter to a private cove and gets to spend the evening on Larissa’s yacht.

Larissa indicates that she’s attracted to the new guys, but she’s not sure that she can trust them. (Just the new guys, Larissa?) She’s scared of Todd. (So are we, Larissa, so are we.) She struggles with his sincerity… (Not sure about this struggle thing, Larissa. He’s not sincere. There’s no struggle about it.) …especially since he has Hollywood aspirations. (Just like Bachelor Bob, eh?) She thinks he’s too perfect. He is. Perfectly awful. Boyfriend is the biggest tattletale that I’ve ever met, and you all should have seen my 2nd grade class. Watch this date unfold. He even surpasses Brian W.

Larissa tries to cross-examine Todd. I realize that Miss Larissa appreciates bluntness. However, she really needs to develop a deeper appreciation for life’s little subtleties, especially if she is attempting to entrap Todd’s insincerity. She claims that she assumed that he was part of the drama…all the while making more drama. With the delicacy of an elephant on a tightrope, she asks about what people are saying about her. Todd gives out no information, while gaining information from Larissa. If and when someone from the UN finds Osama bin Laden, let’s not send Larissa to interrogate him. She gives out more information than she gathers in the interview. The only information Todd gives up is that some of the guys talk as though they are in a football locker room but he claims that he would never say anything derogatory about women, especially a woman like Larissa. It is the perfect line, but it stinks all the way through the television. Translation: What he means is that he wouldn’t be so stupid as to make a comment like that on National Television.

Meanwhile, back at the Boys House, one of the Himbos tells the (below) Average Joes that nobody in their group thinks that Todd didn’t deserve the date. Michael K. claims that no one can make a connection with Larissa such as he did, so it’s great for him. She will judge all future dates against the evening that they shared. This guy is so full of himself, I’m surprised he noticed that Larissa was on their date. For once, I find myself in absolute agreement with Brian W. What an arrogant prick.

Back on the yacht, Larissa and Todd share strawberries. They dance. Larissa asks Todd to, “Tell me something about yourself.” Ummm…yeah…she stole a line from that Meredith on the Bachelorette. Todd begins this tale about how he is a mama’s boy. He drones on and on about values, morals, and how family is the most important thing to him, while simultaneously making his move. Good one, Todd. If you can’t keep the story going, give the girl a kiss. I have to applaud that strategy as well. They end up kissing, and he whispers in her ear that he likes her curves. Larissa is flustered and does not think to ask him how he would like her if she had a few (or a lot) more curves.

Larissa thinks that Brian’s date is sweeter, more intimate and more emotional.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense.

When Todd returns to the house, he rats to Michael C. He tells him what Theo said about him. Michael C. is p!ssed. He goes to confront Theo.

Michael C. confesses that he did use a word to describe Larissa. It begins with a “B” and ends with an “R.” It is an animal that builds dams and there was a television show called “Leave it to.” It rhymes with June Cleaver and has two syllables. Michael K. still doesn’t get it. He asks to buy a vowel.

Michael C. claims that calling a woman a “beaver” is a “slang” term used to describe a very beautiful, hot, sexy girl. Yeah, so is whore, probably. And a few other words I won’t type here. Michael C. claims he was joking around and anyone with a sense of humor could see that he was trying to make everyone laugh.

(Below) average Fredo, the cretin who in the first episode referred to Larissa as a fine piece of a$$, agrees with Michael C. He hastens to explain that he wouldn’t refer to his girlfriend or his wife as a “beaver” but apparently it is perfectly acceptable to refer to any other woman in such a manner.

Theo insists that if you say something, you mean it. He thinks that whatever you say—whether it is in front of Larissa or behind her back is fair game.

Michael C offers Theo this bit of sage advice. He tells Theo that he should take advantage of his alone time to sell him, instead of ratting on the other studs.

Then, in a brilliant strategy, Michael C. moves to playing offense. He accuses Theo of playing both sides. He tells Fredo about Theo’s little drawing of the first evening. Fredo insists that Theo should show the cartoon he drew of the first evening. The (below) Average Joe’s are upset, and the heat is successfully moved off of Michael C to Theo.

Michael C insists that if you draw something you mean it. Theo’s strategy is to cry. He suddenly recovers from the bout of amnesia that he had and remembers that he too was unpopular in high school. He knows exactly what they are going through. (Yeah, because you were one of the ringleaders dishing it out!) Theo claims he got beat up in high school. If he did truly know what the (below) Average Joe’s were going through and chose to behave in the way that he did anyway, he is beyond cruel. People like this make me sick.

David is the only one to buy the story and he and Theo hug. Theo has successfully alienated himself. He claims that as the himbos get cut, he will have no remorse. Excellent. Hope you have no remorse when you get cut tonight, sweetie.

The Day of Reckoning

Larissa has to get rid of six guys. She has to pick 3 below (Average) boys and three Himbos. She is bummed because it is only six, and she will still have to remember twelve names.

Michael C. decides his best move is to come clean with Larissa. He informs her that no disrespect was meant by his comment. Amazingly, Larissa buys his unapologetic apology. Mike S. even says that it is a great recovery. Then, he looks towards Theo and says, “Well.” Theo, obviously not expecting to have to make a full confession to Larissa, fumbles through his apology. It is not a recovery at all for him. Larissa does not accept his apology.

Eliminated Guys are:

Jerry – (who; and where did you get this undecipherable accent?)
Sean – he warns Larissa to watch out for the tools in the shed
Pete – one of the blonde ones
Mike S – I guess the drug history and the religion on the first date were a little much
Theo – he says some gooblegook about how when the hero is denied he bleeds. Ummm…Theo….that may be, but don’t have any illusions that you are the hero in this story.
David – gets the “Lets be Friends” line.

In the scenes from the next Average Joe 2:

Sean lost 70 lbs and looks great.

Brooke Burns (sans Bruce Willis) joins Larissa on the beach and starts flirting with Larissa’s boys.

Larissa is in a boat with Tony admiring a picture of her and the Himbos press a button. The boat starts to sink. (Fox??? Or NBC? I’m confused.)

Larissa says she is not proud of the way she’s behaved.

Find out why on the next Average Joe 2.

A Kyngsladye Original