Hawaii, Five No’s
Hey guys, sorry this summary took so long. Don’t you hate it when work and real life intrudes and you can’t watch or summarize reality television all day?
Anyway, on our first episode, Larissa, an “artist/model” came to Hawaii hoping to land a major TV contract so she won’t have to call herself an “artist/model” anymore, and also to hook up with some hunky guys. She will get that chance in a couple weeks, but first she has to endure the cruel producer twist of a bunch of guys living out their junior high school years over and over again. Larissa was even more shocked to discover that she was only allowed to cut four guys right off the bat and was going to have to interact with the rest of them on this episode, which yours truly gets to summarize.
We open with a beautiful view of the lush Hawaiian scenery, which is suddenly and rudely interrupted by several of the guys looking at a tacky red, white, and blue boxing ring. One man is so morbidly obese that when he punches the punching bag set up next to the ring his fat rolls move more than the bag does. Another man is putting suntan lotion on another’s pasty white back. What is this, Average Boy Meets Average Boy? Suddenly, a former heavyweight boxing champion (Roy Jones, Jr. for anybody who actually likes both reality TV and boxing) walks through the door and the men fawn over him just like they did Larissa. Kind of makes you wonder.
The boxer then spends a few minutes trying to teach the men how to box, but I think most of the lesson was actually spent teaching them how to not hurt themselves while standing still, which will probably come in more handy for them anyway. Finally, Larissa shows up in a sexy little boxing number and serves as the ring girl, which is fitting because that’s probably one of the few jobs she’ll be qualified for after this show.
The first match was between Sean and Phuc (like Lisapooh, I’m hoping Phuc stays around awhile because there are so many possibilities). Sean goes down hard and fast. Next come David and Donato. Considering that Donato weighs about 4 times as much as David, who seems to be running in circles around the ring, I’m beating Vegas isn’t even putting odds on this one.
Fredo and Sam go in the ring next. Fredo, the tattooed ponytail guy, just goes ballistic pummeling the poor schlub. Scary really. Fourth, are Tony, the sensitive artist, and Tim, the marine. Again no question as to who was going to win, but Larissa was kind of upset at how aggressive Tim was. That’s all we get to see of boxing, so apparently either the other matchups were so boring that the cameramen fell asleep or the other Joes passed out before they even made it into the ring.
Anyway, Larissa explains before the commercial break that it is time for 3 sets of group dates and she will do a private date with her favorite from the group dates each night.
Date #1 takes place on a helicopter. Four of the Joes and Larissa fly out to see a volcano. David talks nonstop the whole time. When they arrive, Larissa pulls each of them aside for a brief talk. After their talk, Tim is worried that Larissa thinks of him as a total brute. Mike takes his opportunity to tell Larissa that he loves Jesus more than anybody and she needs to put Jesus first if she wants to be with him. Larissa doesn’t say much, but I think by her reaction she’s not a believer. Thomas, the nerdy one, fawns all over her and tells her he used to be a breakdancer. Larissa looks almost as scared of the Breakdancer as she was of the apostle. David is up next and continues to act like a Spaz. Once she finally gets him to sit in one space for more than 5 seconds he starts acting slightly more normal and tells her he really appreciates the opportunity to get to know her.
So after enduring a whole day with Brute, Apostle, Breakdancer, and Spaz, she chooses Spaz, who runs up to her, kneels down, and kisses her hand. Brute feels pretty rejected since he thought he was the best catch. Neither of the others seem to have much of a reaction. Larissa said she picked Spaz because she thought he would be the most fun. The two of them sit on the beach by the lava and drink a bottle of wine.
Back at the house, Tim is sitting around whining that he should have been picked and talking about what a Phuc David is. Larissa and David’s date is somewhat romantic. They both talk about looking for the “one” true love. David then does a bad American Idol audition (which he calls his “secret weapon”) trying to woo Larissa. She finally agrees to give him a kiss, just so he’ll shut up. Larissa admits she wasn’t really into the kiss but says it wasn’t “terrible” either. Not quite a ringing endorsement, but he’s probably safe from the ax tonight.
Allrighty then, on to Group Date #2. Justin, Brian, Fredo, Bill, and Sean get to join Larissa for an underwater adventure. Bill is terrified to go scuba diving because he’s never done it before. Larissa again takes a little break with the guys, but unlike the Volcano Visit, apparently none of them say anything interesting because we only get two second snippets of their conversations, where they say things like “How are you enjoying yourself?” I think this is so we can spend more time looking at Larissa, who has braided her hair, has a yellow flower positioned just above her right ear, and is wearing a sexy blue bikini top with yellow arrows pointing up on it. And turqoise pants and an open cover-up. OK, I can’t do justice to this number. Maybe Icecat will make a vidcap of it to accompany this summary, but I think she looks stunning. Larissa dear, reject all these men and date one of the Survivor Blows guys instead. Larissa picks Fredo, the pony-tailed contractor from Cleveland she has been attracted to since the beginning.
Fredo tells her as they look over the seaside that he is a sensitive guy and loves classical music. He says he’s starting a charity to try to get “stuff” for kids and says various other things that appear to have come straight from the “Tips for Interviewing” Handbook that all Miss USA contestants she reads. Larissa says she can actually imagine someday being intimate with Fredo, which shows she has quite an imagination.
On Group Date #3, Sam, Donato, Phuc, Brian W., and Tony help Larissa hack through the rainforests toward a giant waterfall. I hope the Sierra Club doesn’t watch this show as they take down several small trees on the way. The men all try to swim over to the waterfall except for Phuc, who can’t swim. Sam and Tony make it; Donato and Brian W. don’t. In one-on-one time, Larissa asks Tony about the strange artwork on his face. Tony says he should be picked because he is an artist and wants to make a sketch of her. Sam’s conversation with Larissa is unbelievably awkward, and he says he feels he can’t open up. He tells her he’s unemployed and has no game. Ah, Sam, finding the true way to a woman’s heart by telling her she’s going to have to support you on her acting income. Phuc won’t even look directly at Larissa which is beyond strange. Donato gives her a piece of wood (she’s not a dog Donato!). Brian W. asks her something about a wish and a lump of crap. At first I was worried that I didn’t understand the joke, but I don’t think Larissa did either. Maybe it was the Boston accent. Larissa decides that she wants Tony.
Larissa invites Tony back to her place and shows him some of her “artwork.” The two of them then decide to do artwork together. Tony loves the chance to stare at her. Looking at the pictures, Tony has his completely done while Larissa is still back at first base. I think there is some comment on relationships in general there, but I’ll let you guys draw your own conclusions.
Larissa tires of the painting, so they go outside and Larissa asks Tony if he will kiss her. This turns into a makeout session. I think Larissa is actually into this guy, which is more than a little scary, what with the jagged lines on his face and all. Then Larissa says goodnight and leaves Tony alone downstairs. Not sure what’s up with that, but this whole show is kind of weird, so why not? Tony still says it was the best date of his life, which may say more about his love life than it does about Larissa.
Anyway, it’s time to go from 14 down to 8. First, we learn that Justin had an “issue” and had to leave the island on short notice. No more is said about that so we’re left only to guess whether there was a family emergency or whether NBC just now got around to doing criminal background checks on all the guys. The other 13 get one last chance to meet with Larissa before she makes her final decision. Larissa and David have an awkward meeting where he says it’s been hard for him not seeing her for two days wondering if she’s been thinking about him. Larissa stares blankly, trying to remember who David is. Mike is nervous and says he doesn’t want to push her away and hopes they still have a chance. She gives him a hug. Sam has the second most awkward conversation of the night (finishing only behind his earlier conversation with Larissa on the group date). He tells her that he would love to get a chance to know her better. Larissa says “I appreciate you saying that,” which have to be some of the most cutting words in the English language. Why don’t you just cackle at him Larissa? Sam is just a walking awkward moment. Donato tells Larissa he thinks she’s wonderful, but she seems a little nonplussed.
Anyway, five guys will get cut. The first is Tim, the brute. Guess Larissa doesn’t want a guy who will beat the Phuc out of somebody for her. The second cut is Sam, who seems devastated. Sam won’t even speak to her on the way out, which is nice since it at least saves the viewers from yet another awkward moment. Sam tells us that Larissa is missing out on a great guy. I think he must be referring to Justin.
The third cut is Phuc, which is going to be truly depressing for all future summary writers of this show. Phuc, Phuc, Phuc. OK, I guess the joke was starting to get old. Larissa says Phuc was funny and made her laugh, but I guess the whole lack of eye contact thing finally got to her. Fourth is Bill, who had so little airtime today I think Larissa probably just forgot who he was. Bill admits the chances of a guy who is 5’6”, 200 pounds making it with a model were pretty slim, so he’s not too dejected. The final cut is Donato. Larissa tells him she thinks he’s a great guy and had a great time. Donato is very upset and says the reason he was cut is based on his weight because all girls are shallow.
So based on the 5 No's handed out tonight, here is what I would recommend if you want to make it with an artist/model
1. Don’t beat the Phuc out of your competition.
2. Don’t tell the girl you’re unemployed on the first date.
3. Do maintain eye contact.
4. Don’t be short and fat.
5. Don’t be tall and fat.
Tune in next time to watch David in an ugly red tie, Sean in a hot tub, Larissa kissing all the Joes, and the arrival of the Hunks, who appear to be traveling from California to Hawaii by boat.