This week’s segment of the popular gay dating series “Boy meets boy” begins in the boys’ house. There are only 9 left, this is the end of the second day, and the boys are getting to know each other.
Robb talking about first girlfriend.
“The closest I’ve ever had to a “relationship” to “A Female” was in college.” The boys giggle. Michael is confused by this whole “I ONLY like men” concept.
“You only date men?” Michael asks Wes.
Wes laughs it off.
“I’ve only hooked up with two men” Michael confesses.
“This month?” Wes asks.
“Ever. You know, it doesn’t matter, man, woman” “I just never thought there was a problem” he mumbles.
“What kind of gay man are you?” – Obviously not one.
“And you’re on a gay dating show!?!”
“We are all gay” Brian clarifies, pointing to everyone else. Dan nods.
“When is the last time you were with a woman.” Wes presses.
“Two, or three months ago.
Sean pats him on the shoulder. Is this a ‘I’m in it for the money, too?’ conciliatory gesture.
Andra’s still up. (except whenever anyone says ‘Andra’, it sounds like ‘Anja” ) “He (Dan) is gonna hate me”, she drunkenly bemoans. But she still manages to serve her purpose. “He is funny, cute, but get this, he has a BOYFRIEND”
James is doing what does best, smiling, not wearing a shirt and not talking.
The boys are up late, gossiping and giggling about the competition. They talk about what they’ve heard about Dan and his boyfriend. Brian is quick to defend him, which tips off the rest of the boys that someone has a little crush.
Morning! Happy music! A cute hummingbird!
Anja and James find a card in the living room! Anja makes sure that James reads it correctly, while covering her stomach with her arm. Either she’s hung over or thinks she’s fat. She is with too many hot men who want James almost as much as she does, and have much much better chances.
They’re gonna go to the zoo!
Morning at the boys’ cabin.
Dan, looking beautiful, tan and cut, with a white towel dripping off his flanks, struts into the bathroom. “I’m gonna be in here, boys” he announces. He loves the attention the boys give him, which, in case you missed last month’s edition of OUT, is why straight boys hang out with gay boys.
Dan, in confessional, mentions the ‘thing’ between him and Brian. Dan mentions flirting with Brian, pointing out his perfect teeth and ‘nature trail’ (while tactfully avoiding hair comments). Hmm.. I always thought it was called a ‘happy trail’. Is this an unfamiliarity with the vocabulary of male genitalia?! Or perhaps just a regional difference in slang…
Robb and Brian follow him in there and loiter as if it were the men’s room in the lower level of Grand Central.
Then we get to watch Dan in the shower. This is the best part of the show. There is some smoked glass between him and the lens, but you get a pretty good impression of the front side of him, and the glass doesn’t do much when Dan rubs his ass against it.
Robb “Woah, you’re THAT Guy!”
Baseball cap pulled tightly over his receding hairline, Brian, looking cut and lying, claims “I never thought you were cute before now”
In the limo to pick up half the boys. James isn’t fooling around anymore. Today he’s going to look for guys that he maybe he could possibly date.
James “I’m looking for a spark today”
Anja knows that, even though they don’t know the boys that well, they all know each other, and that James and she can read their reactions off of each other, to know when someone’s lying. Why is Anja so concerned about lying? Methinks she really dislikes Dan.
Haha,. A turtle poos on Matt!
Anja’s scared of a snake,
as is James!!
Dan is like “Whatever, pussies”
Anja choses Matt to go on a one-on-one with James. Matt has an old soul.
Now I had understood the one-on-ones were supposed to be the times where a guy gets a chance to really make his moves on James, tell him what he wants to hear, and try to steal a kiss. Matt, however, decides to take the opportunity to explain to James how they’re incompatible.
“I live in San Fran, you live in LA”
A pause to admire the giraffe’s tongue! “Jesus, I wish James had a tongue that long and thick” Matt wishes. “Maybe then there’d be a connection.”
Rootbeer floats for the boys! Of course there’s vodka.
Matt “Wanna spoon?”
James “You just dive right in”
Screams, giggles, an old onlooking tourist couple who would never sign waivers to appear on such as show.
Dan uses this opportunity to take off his shirt.
And back to Matt and James
“I don’t have the instant connection (with you) that says “I would totally love to date him” Matt admits point blank to James, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are on a mini-date.
James’ decision just got that much easier.
Matt’s upset he missed the waterfight.
So in the limo, James says he heard from a little bird (my guess the producers) that one of he guys was bi.
Mike confirms that he knows he’s in the hot seat. Dan told him that james told dan that he knew mike was bi.
James seems to be just checking the water, to see if Michael will admit to it. But Michael is visibly perturbed, frowning underneath that frumpy, floppy Dawson’s Creek hat or whatever those things are that were barely mildly popular 8 years ago, and were still ugly then. He doesn’t confess.
Brian, in confessional, admits that if someone were really playing the game, he would have told James about Michael’s little secret. Why do these guys always speak in the hypothetical? Just because you’re on a tv show does not make reality fiction. That’s the work of the editors.
Back home, we find that Darren has written a charming limerick for the group. I don’t really know what it was about, there were too many bleeps, but I think it had something to do with sodomy.
Wes suggests another round, when Anja decides that she can’t handle the tension any more and that she’s going to confront Dan about his lying. Truly believing that she holds a role in the relationship between James and whomever he chooses, she pulls James and Dan out from the group and brings them inside. “You two need to talk, Dan you told me carp carp screech.”
“Is this about CHRIS in new york” Dan stares like a puppy in headlights, and focuses not to screw up on his pronouns. Anja tells them where to sit and leaves the room.
The dispute seems to be that James heard that Chris was a boyfriend in an open relationship with Dan, Anja heard that there was nothing between the two.
“Chris and I were really close, I haven’t seen (beat) him in three months. Chris was someone I cared about. I know he’s (beat) not the right guy for me. Because (half-beat) we have such a good friendship… It’s more than sex.
I’ve been with one (beat) guy in the last year. I used to be a player”
James is not convinced, and doesn’t care if Dan has settled down. “We all do what we do, GHB, anonymous sex, but that’s not the issue.”
Right then, the harpy swoops in, takes James away with her.
Dan leans against the wall, stressed and confused. “I’m just acting gay” he unconsciously intones.
Back home Anja finds several flowers and a microphone from the production set. She almost falls over. (Did they drive back to their home to go back to the boys’ place later that day? Seems like a waste of precious fossil fuels. I guess the boys needed time to iron their clothes.)
This date is much more fun thatn the first date at the zoo, not so marred by awkwardness and confrontation. It instead is marked by alcohol, song and dance, and hosted by the lovely and talented Ms. Coco Peru! Now every boy has to sing “I Will Survive”
Even after James, Wes, Franklin, Robb, and Brian perform the Gloria Gaynor classic, Sean, the musician, can’t get through the opening verse. Hmm. Sean’s crashing and burning until he decides to drop the microphone and dance, and he looks pretty hot doing it, really working those rocker jeans and letting his black t-shirt ride up, showcasing an excellent rhythm and kinesthetic sense.
Now the producers treat us to some true television magic, the kind that makes fun of the contestants. They overlays a speech by Wes about how this television show “shows real-gay-men” and not just stereotypes, to a fun montage o f the boys singing and dancing like fairies along to “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls.
Anja now has another tough decision. Who will she pick to sing a duet with James? She picks Wes, because she was so grateful that Wes was there to encourage James up that small rock hill yesterday. This time, though, Wes doesn’t know any of the words, and James has to support him. It’s sweet like that toothpaste candy that comes in tubes and sticks on everything and is too much. They have beautiful eye contact. Then they get whisked away to a coffee shop, while Anja, Coco and the rest of the boys drink.
Wes and James get their coffee and sit down. They are adorable. But it makes me wonder, who’s the top and who’s the bottom? The physics of the situation make me suspect James, but since they both seem pretty submissive I’m gonna bet they’d switch off.
Wes tell James what he wants to hear, how he wants a relationship, three and a half kids, two cats and a dog on a ranch.
James tells the camera that it was just like a date, and he could imagine himself maybe hypothetically dating Wes.
But you know what the night brings… The Elimination.
In the prep room, Dani looks fierce in her beautifully coifed hair and anime bangs, and even though she has makeup plastered to her face, she looks pretty stunning next to the falling apart Anja. Dani explains that there were lots of surprises planned, and tonight was no different. Since Anja has been spending so much time with the boys, it’s only right that she’s involved in tribal council.
“Alright,” Anja intones, trying to focus. “So what does that mean?” Anja looks awful tonight. Even though I like the small, form fitting black dress, and the heels that bump her over the six feet line, her huge necklace looks like costume jewelry (those can’t be diamonds), and her lack of any colors accentuate her pitiful orange skin (put the bottle down, honey, and go outside) topped with a double chin.
“Tonight, Jamesananja, we’ve given Anja The Veto Power”
“So what does that mean?” Anja repeats leaning forward. She laughs apologetically, “I’m sorry, I’m drunk.”
“That means, retard, is tonight you have the POWER to VETO one of James’ choices. Whether you use it or not is up to you, but you may only use it once.”
Anja collapses on the couch, remembers she’s on tv, and stands up. “Ok’, she says more to herself than to Dani.
Dan, a troublemaker, begins a “Who’s the most masculine/feminine” conversation outside. Finger-pointing, crying erupts. Sean seems very defensive about being called masculine… hmm… And Dan the liar reminds everyone to ‘be yourself’ as he artificially waves a limp wrist. .
The glasses of champagne (rosé) are set. James tells us that now “It’s now about chemistry” It doesn’t look too good for Matt.
Okay, so it’s evident that the producers are stacking the deck against James and trying to keep straight guys on the show to maintain the tension, and the hook of the show (which would be pretty vanilla if they were all gay). Since James must chose to eliminate one of three that the producers choose three times, producers would want to put two straight guys in a group of three, so that straight guys are assured to continue. So, I’ve determined to figure out who is the lone breeder left, since we see from next week’s clips that James managed to get rid of all but one.
My litmus test is the snuggle. When gay guys who like each other hug, they kinda nuzzle their faces into the other’s neck and shoulder, like puppies. Straight guys do not do this. Watching the ceremony a few times, I think I have it.
Sean, called first, doesn’t snuggle. He hugs but keeps his face upright, looking at the camera. Hmm…
Robb is called next, and nuzzles in.
As it becomes evident that he was going to have to leave the tribal council area, immediately, Anja holds Micheal’s hand tightly, (she was about to fall over) He doesn’t nuzzle James. Straight.
You cant’ see if brian nuzzles, seem like it. (How did that forehead make it that far? My friend Stevie screams.)
Oh Matt, no champagne tonight… unless…
Will Anja veto?
Will Anja veto?
She’s busted, doesn’t know where she is. She looks awful. I hope she doesn’t get sick. She lets Matt go.
It’s time for the last three, the three cutest guys in the competition, in my humble opinion.
Franklin is holding Wes around the neck, ready to snap it.
Franklin, Dan, and the Lovely Wes are called up. Wes is dressed with a baby blue t-shirt over a rolled up white button-down shirt. It’s a very clean look, but he looks like he’s twelve, and call me a traditionalist, but t-shirts go under the buttondown.
No contest, Wes is chosen first. Wes is obviously falling for James, and vice versa, they snuggle.
Franklin or Dan? Will Anja veto? She turns away, suppressing her gag reflex. Dani grabs her by the arm.
James chooses Franklin, who nuzzles.
Anja is ecstatic. She happily agrees with James’ decision. She gives Dan a curt hug and ‘goodbye’.
Dan doesn’t nuzzle James. Brian tears.
From this night’s performance, coupled with not being able to sing a verse of “I Will Survive” and a few gestures, my guess is that SEAN is our last remaining straighty.
The most recent castaways kicked off pack up their stuff.
Dan packs up his chessboard?! Oh, okay, the pieces are shot glasses.
James explains his choice“Matt asked to leave”
Matt “Blah blah blah. I’m boring.”
And Micheal offers a quite suprising statement. “Gay people are of a highly caliber person, they are more sincere, more in touch with their emotions.” Yeah, we are like a better, more evolved species; like the X-Men!
James “I don’t trust Dan.” Good boy! “He’s just here to win.” It’s as if he knows!
Dan, “I learned so much about the gays and their way of life.”
Horay! A Toast! Now we can get back to drinking. Anja can smile again.
Next week: Lap dancing and Stripping!! James finds out there’s a breeder in the bunch! (But only one, good job, Anja!)
‘Till then, I’ll be playing with this heated KY that was advertised on the following episode of Queer Eye.