Official Joe Schmo Episode 3 Summary – Schmo Can’t Rap, Schmo Can Cry
For a thorough and hilarious summary of the first two episodes you should read the works of Draco and Bebo:
The players in the game are:
Matt - Joe Schmo
Ashleigh - The Rich Bitch
Hutch – The Asshole
Molly – The Virgin
Earl – The Veteran
Gina – The Schemer (R.I.P. – Episode 1)
Kip – The Gay Guy
Brian – The Buddy
Dr Pat – The Quack
Ralph – The Smarmy Host
After a pep talk we learn that the goal of the day is to make sure that Schmo doesn’t believe that Ashleigh has a crush on him – instead she is supposed to have a crush on Ralph. Schmo or Swarm? Ashleigh dear, you really can do better. And poor Schmo - the first babe to ever give him a smile and all his fantasies will come crashing down in 12 hours.
Ashleigh quickly goes to Schmo to tell him about her crush on Ralph and we get to see Schmo’s heart get crushed on camera. Schmo rationalizes it by saying that it is because Ralph is older and more successful. I am not sure what he is talking about - I know lots of rich beautiful women who date pizza delivery guys living with their parents.
Ashleigh gives Schmo the “I like you like a brother speech” (which I am sure Schmo can recite word for word at this point in his life) and bad mouths Molly about her being phony and how she throws herself at Ralph. This is all to promote the Molly-Ralph-Ashleigh love triangle.
Ashleigh conveniently leaves the kitchen to touch up her makeup so Schmo instantly starts recruiting others to vote her off. Rejection is a bitch! He gets agreements to do just that from Brian, Hutch and Earl and gets maybes from Molly and Dr Pat. In his interview, he says he wants to vote her off because he wants to keep the “positive, realistic and fun people”. I guess Ashleigh isn’t fun now that he knows he will never get to see her naked – poor Schmo.
I’m not sure “talent” is the right word to describe this but that is what they called it and it rolls off the tongue better then “Phony Rigged Display of Ineptitude”. The first order of business is to introduce Jerri Manthey from Survivor. I am sure she has already met the rest of the cast of this show while in line for bit parts in movies, TV shows and commercials around LA. Jerri is in on the gag and has been cast as the bitch. I’m not sure this would be considered acting – and of course she complains about typecasting.
The contest involves each houseguest displaying a talent that will be judged by Ralph and Jerri. The winner receives the Immunity Pimp Robe. I will also mark based on talent and entertainment value. My scores were not included when deciding the winner.
Talent: Playing the Lone Ranger theme on the xylophone
Jerri – 3
Ralph – 5
Bucky (talent) – 8 (I am marking on the curve)
Bucky (entertainment) - 3
Reaction: Applause followed by comments on the harsh marking
Talent: A puppet show displaying the “real-life” abusive marriage of Pat and her ex-husband
Jerri – 1
Ralph – 4
Bucky (talent) – 2 (She was reading from cue cards)
Bucky (entertainment) – 7 (Phony, over the top, domestic violence puppet show – I haven’t seen one before!)
Reaction: Silent shock and awe from Matt, phony shock and awe from the others except Earl who was giggling when he wasn’t supposed to.
Talent: Hula hooping in hot pink shorts
Jerri – 0 (jealous)
Ralph – 9 (horny)
Bucky (talent) – 1 (I could do better)
Bucky (entertainment) – 9 (But she looks much better doing it)
Reaction: Schmo comments on Ralph’s interest in Molly. The others comment that Schmo is a dufus.
Talent: Disassemble and then reassemble an army rifle
Jerri – 5
Ralph – 5
Bucky (talent) – N/A (Is that a talent?)
Bucky (entertainment) – 0 (Is that entertainment?)
Reaction: Fear of Earl’s rifle from Schmo – which is exactly his reaction that first night he spent in bed with Earl and Dr Pat
Talent: Beboxing (It is what rappers do when they create a beat using only sounds from there mouth)
Jerri – 2
Ralph – 7
Bucky (talent) – 0 (Eminem is to Vanilla Ice what Vanilla Ice is to Schmo)
Bucky (entertainment) – 10 (Kudos to the production staff for the slo-mo shot of Schmo dancing in his silver parachute pants - priceless!)
Reaction: The others clap along while he is performing and mock him relentlessly in interviews afterwards
Talent: Covers herself in paint while in her bikini and rolls around on the floor creating “art”
Jerri – 2 (jealous)
Ralph – 6 (not quite as horny)
Bucky (talent) – 3
Bucky (entertainment) – 5 (Every other time I have seen a woman do that she has been a stripper so this was a little disappointing)
Reaction: Schmo commenting on Ashleigh being in a bikini. Remember Schmo, you are a brother to her.
Talent: Magic tricks
Jerri – 2
Ralph – 5
Bucky (talent) – 0 (Which is exactly how many tricks worked)
Bucky (entertainment) – 0
Reaction: Light applause from all except Schmo who is encouraging Kip to make sure that he REALLY doesn’t appear to have anything against homosexuals.
Talent: Singing America the Beautiful acapella
Jerri – 9
Ralph – 7
Bucky (talent) – 5 (Not bad for an actor)
Bucky (entertainment) – 1 (How can you mock that?)
Reaction: Standing ovation
So with 16 points Hutch wins the Immunity Pimp Robe which suits him like a pointed bra suits Madonna.
HOT TUB CHAT
5 flabby guys in a hot tub. Fast forward.
TOUR OF MATT’S BATHROOM
Kip tells Schmo that he knows they are trying to get rid of Ashleigh and he won’t go along with it. We even get a taste of the over-the-top flaming homosexual routine that was so prevalent in the first couple shows.
RICHES TO RAGS EVICTION CEREMONY
We see the Lap of Luxury collector plates of each remaining houseguest as well as a pile of dust and bits of broken plate where Gina’s collector plate used to be. Sweet.
Schmo votes for Ashleigh while the others pretend to vote. Of course, this ceremony is really meant to evict the worst actor left as the producers fear their cover will be blown. As such, the vote tally is:
Earl – 4
Ashleigh – 3
Brian – 1
Earl takes it much better then Gina did and tells those left that he enjoyed his time in the “Lap of Luxury” and that he learned the most from Kip. The girls begin to cry – and by girls I mean Ashleigh, Molly, Dr Pat, Kip and Schmo. Ralph then gives his sensitive farewell rhyme.
“Ashes to ashes. dust to dust
Earl you are dead to us”
SMASH goes the plate in the fireplace
Earl salutes and hugs Kip on the way out and tells him to stand at ease. Kip’s response of “Aye aye, Captain” reveals that his knowledge of military protocol comes from Star Trek episodes.
After the ceremony, Schmo has a complete meltdown and cries uncontrollably. He is having a hard time handling the immense “pressure” of the situation. This guy must have been breastfed until he was 11. Hard to imagine that his career has taken him to pizza delivery and reality television show contestant if he thinks this is pressure.
The actors and the production staff wonder if the show can go on with Schmo in such a state. Of course, this week’s cliffhanger is not so suspenseful if you saw the promo for next week’s show during the last commercial break.
"I gotta stop hanging out with dogs."