This is my first summary for the reality boards. I only mention this because if you're expecting a summary that's as award worthy as "The Hurt Locker", you may be in for a dissapointment. However, if you're expecting something more along the lines of...say...a movie starring Timothy Olyphant and Amanda Peet, forgettable, yet a decent waste of time, then you've come to the right place. Let's get started.
Last time on The Amazing Race, Jet and Cord came in first place with ease. Meanwhile, last place belonged to Shannon and Jody. Shannon was kinda cute. Jody was very old. They won't be missed much.
Jet and Cord leave at 11:20 P.M. from Chile. They must go by bus to Argentina where they will play a game of 5-card stud at a saloon against a silent man with a beard. You better believe that every challenge must feature at least one silent man with a beard. In fact, I plan on signing up to be the silent man with the beard if The Amazing Race ever comes to the Pittsburgh area.
The cowboys are followed by Joe and Heidi, and Carol and Brandy. Carol and Brandy state that "we argue over the stupidest things". We then cut to a scene of them walking down an empty street, while bickering about what direction they should be going in. I always imagined that their stupid arguements might be over whether coke or pepsi tasted better, not what direction they should be going in during a competition that highly values people with a sense of direction.
We then cut to Brent and Caite. Well, just Brent. It turns out Caite is behind a closed bathroom door, puking her guts up. She has to see a doctor and get rid of it. If she remembers that the Lord loves a workin man, and don't trust whitey, then she'll have all three of life's basic rules mastered. After waiting around for roughly three hours, Caite is released from the hospital and the first thing she does is....kiss Brent? Yuck!
The first three teams that set out all get on the first bus to Argentina. Carol and Brandy comment on how beautiful the snow capped mountains are. We cut to a helicopter shot of the Andes Mountains, which makes me realize that any camera shot from a helicopter is a gorgeous one. Frankly, you could film a knife fight in a back alley of New York City from a helicopter and it would look spectacular!
All the teams have now departed. Some having better luck than others. Dan and Jordan are still trying to figure out how to drive one of them cars with the fancy gear shiftin thingies on it. Their best strategy when they reach a hill? One of them gets out and tries to push, while the other pops it in neutral. It truly is an amazing race.
Cowboys, C+B, Joe+Heidi all make it to the Saloon. And guess what they all have to show!? "My Poker Face, My My My My Poker Face!" Which brings me to a sophomoric joke. How do you wake Lady Gaga up in the morning? You Poke Her Face. Yuk Yuk!
Joe and Heidi make it out first, followed by Carol and Brandy. The Cowboys finally run into a tiny bit of bad luck when it takes them several hands to beat the silent man with a beard. Each team is given a Travelocity Roaming Gnome(cheap plug!) that has a clue on it. It tells them to travel to Pena Gaucha. There they discover a Roadblock. One member from each team must rope a steer, or in this case, a tiny bale of hay with horns on it.
Is it just me or are all these challenges tailor-made for Jet and Cord? Poker...Roping Steer...what next, riding a horse?(Foreshadowing!). Why not just have challenges that involved half court shooting, most difficult slam dunk, and balancing basketballs on your knees, feet, elbows and fingers during the Globetrotters' season?
Anywho, Jet and Cord get through it first(Surprise!). They are now on their way to Puente Nirhuau. They're followed by Carol and Brandy. Joe and Heidi finish up shortly after. Yeah, i know...these three keep playing a game of round robin. Too bad they don't play a game of Russian Roulette, but that might come later if they ever have to travel to Slovakia.
Some time after, Jeff and Jordan complete the card game. Steve and Allie also finish up. Wait...who the hell are Steve and Allie? It says on the tv screen that they're a "father/daughter" team. I swear, these two are like the Timothy Olyphant and Amanda Peet of The Amazing Race. They're there, but you forget them the moment they leave the screen. How many Olyphant/Peet jokes can I make during this summary?
Now it's time for a Detour. Horse Sense: Teams must visit a gunslinger who will provide them with a compass and a set of coordinates. They must use this to find gold, which they then have to return to the lead bandit, who will then give them a coin, which will then give them a clue. Got all that? Me neither. Horse Power: Teams must mount a horse and play polo. The goal is to get the ball from one side of the field to the other in nine strokes or less.
The Cowboys choose "Horse Power", only to find out that the horse is actually made of wood. They must carry it on their backs each time they hit the ball. Wah-Wah! The Cowboys complete the task rather easily. They are handed a trophy with the clue to their next destination, Estancia Fortin Chacabuco. The Cowboys hold up the trophy and try to make a lame acceptance speech joke. It falls flat. They then follow it up with the brilliant line "I can't believe that's the horse we rode". Actually, you carried it, fellas! So the horse rode you!
Carol and Brandy can't stop fighting. They take on the "Horse Sense" detour, which doesn't end up going so well. After what seems like 40 minutes of on camera fighting, the two decide to swith to the "Horse Power" competition. Carol throws a bottle of Sprite(?) down on the ground. That'll show that F'n gunslinger! Speaking of which...
...Jeff and Jordan manage to pass Joe and Heidi on the way to the detour. Finally, parody! They both decide to do the "Horse Sense" task. J+J manage to mistake the Gunslinger for the Lead Bandit. Now you might think this is extremely stupid, and you wouldn't be wrong, but J+J look totally redeemed when Joe and Heidi show up for the same challenge. The Gunslinger, who is wearing, shooting, and juggling several guns, is asked the following question by Joe: "Are you the Gunslinger?". Wow.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Dan and Jordan are duking it out with Monique and Shawnee at the rope steering Road Block. Here's another Amazing Race cliche...random people dancing at a task. Yup, apparently every country has dancing people wherever you may go. I wonder if the same people dance for the entire length of the challenge? Ya know, some challenges take hours to complete. Hopefully they just switch new dancers in when the old ones get tired. If not, those people seriously need to get unionized. Power to the People!
Caite and Brent are vomiting their way back into contention as they puke all over the poker challenge, and even manage to upchuck themselves right next to Monique and Shawne at the steer roping competition. Brent takes on the challenge, ropes the steer in a hurry, and he and Caite hurl themselves out of last place. Monique and Shawne are getting frustrated, having seen multiple teams pass them by. What do they turn to? The power of prayer! It's time to rope Jesus into this competition. They pray hard and...they get it! I'm so glad Jesus is still more preoccupied with sporting competitions than he is Haiti or Chile. Let's see what Greg Graffin has to say about this... http://www.youtube.com/watch#playnext=1&playnext_from=TL&videos=ZDV5auE4uUE&v=3Oe_Rxt9wB0 Thank God for Bad Religion! And yes, I realize how ironic that sentence is.
Jet and Cord check in first at the pit stop. This is followed by some weird conversation between them and Phil. "These belt buckles aren't slowing you down?", says Phil while staring at Jet and Cord's crotches. Well, I guess no more than your vast wardrobe of sweaters slow you down, Phil.
Nearly every team chooses to do the "Horse Sense" challenge over the "Horse Power". Nearly all of them switch. Turns out, the "Sense" competition requires thinking. Amazingly, Jeff and Jordan are one of the few who complete it. They finally realize that the Gunslinger is not the Lead Bandit. "We're so stupid we shouldn't reproduce", says Jeff. It's amazing Todd and Sarah Palin didn't have the same thought occur to them 20 years ago.
Steve/Allie actually finish 2nd, but not before Steve takes a spectacular dive, head first, into some mud. Earlier I stated that these two were unmemorable. If they keep having tremendously clumsy moments like this, that may change.
Carol and Brandy stop fighting and polluting long enough to finish in 3rd. Joe and Heidi take 4th. Jeff and Jordan finish in 5th, but not before Phil gives a dramatic "You finish 5th". Jordan replies, "I can never read you. I was trying to read you and it's like...blank". Yes, we all feel the same way, Jordan, but not about Phil.
Dan and Jordan finish in 6th. Brent and Caite spew up in 7th. Once Monique and Shawne decide to quit the "Power" challenge to take on the "Sense" challenge, they basically seal their fate and hand Louie and Michael 8th place. Monique/Shawne then spill some nonsense about how they did it all to show their little kids that you can do anything in life. If you just try hard enough and...blah blah blah. Losers! I said so, and so does Bad Religion!
Here are the official results:
1. Jet and Cord
2. Steve and Allie
3. Carol and Brandy
4. Joe and Heidi
5. Jeff and Jordan
6. Dan and Jordan
7. Brent and Caite
8. Louie and Michael
Eliminated: Monique and Shawne
Next Week: Germany! And Jet and Cord apparently put their sh!t kickers on and get sh!t faced in a local bar.
I never know how to sign off properly, so I'll just plagarize.
Good night and good luck