Yoo Bag Poe!
Previously! - 6 teams headed from Jaipur to Phuket, got teabagged by elephants, and wore rice-paddy hats while dragging their teammates on flat tires (thanks, Mark and Mike!). Jamie continues her streak of being terribly unpleasant, Mel and Mike were eliminated, Margie fell over, and Mark and Mike atoned for their sins. Sort of.
TONIGHT (I hate this feature - where's the suspense?) - Kisha and Jen do something stupid. This is apparently the highlight of the episode. Or is it?
THIS... is Phuket, Thailand!
Tammy and Victor are our first team to depart, having won something silly, no doubt, on their previous leg. Also, they came in first. And?
It's off to Bangkok! (insert "Phuket-Bangkok" joke here. Actually, don't. Forget I said "insert". No, wait. Stoppit.) Travel to the outskirts of town and find "this" boatyard. I can only assume the racers were given its location... Tammy refuses to let the whole "Victor is a blind cave fish troglodyte with no sense of direction" thing die. I wouldn't either, though. It is nice to dangle crap like that over your siblings.
Next off are Jamie and Cara... to find an "official" taxi. Apparently, it is impossible that a beemer is an official taxi. Jamie demands a local cop STOP TALKING TO THOSE OTHER PEOPLE DAMMIT WE ARE MEDUSAE ARRGGH! The language barrier continues to frustrate Jamie, who describes herself as Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekkyl apparently had prior engagements or was turned into stone for his insolence, so we are left with a frothing beast who has the sense of cheering for the 'Fins. Oh yes, I went there.
Mark and Mike are next to depart; according to Mark, the last leg's mistakes were a "50-50" mis-communication, thus proving that these two do not understand what the words "accountable" and "read the damn clue" mean. The important part is that the boys do not shoot themselves in the foot - enter the gigantic hammer of foreshadowing.
At the airport, Victor oh-so-politely inquires about ticketing, using an agent's pink Hello Kitty phone - alas, they must wait until 6 (coincidentally, all the other teams then will be here, bunching worse than Ian's paper panties).
Kisha and Jen are last to depart - Jen doesn't think the race is negatively affecting their relationship, but that is likely because the little tag under their names does not say "dating couple" or "Colin and Christie". Eventually, they arrive at the airport, where it can be inferred that all the teams are amusing themselves at the Phuket airport's 24-hour shoe store. at last, 7:25 rolls around, and the teams are off to Bangkok (tee-hee).
And so begins the usual mad taxi dash! Fast! You go fast! I've noticed a distinct lack of Mirnglish this year - we have finally moved past Beep beep! and El fasto! Keisha and Jen's driver appears to be lost, and Margie insists that her driver give theirs bad intel - this seems to work, as Keisha and Jen's driver remains lost.
Back with the Medusae, Jamie reprimands a "doogie" for being in the street - she apparently calls dogs "doogies". One can only wonder if Neil Patrick Harris be insulted, along with every cab driver and local swept into Jamie's Berate-Around-the-World-fest. Cara, ever sane, notes that she calls dogs "dogs".
Margie and Luke are first to arrive at the ROAD BLOCK. Here, a team must tap into their mechanical abilities - like, say, not inflating rickshaw tires - and attach a propeller to a long-tail boat. Luke is clever enough to remember the backpacks (FORESHADOWING!). Jamie and Cara soon arrive; Cara evidently does not know what "propeller" means, so Jamie takes it.
Margie knows how to use a hammer. Margie handled that road block. Margie will take dehydration and kick it in the teeth. As she finishes up, Jamie fires off a "seriously?!" - I mean, really, they should totally wait.
Margie and Luke's next clue says "journey on!" - I wonder if this means take your bags... Locate the Peninsula Pier, using the enclosed treasure map. It is a damn treasure map. Although if Indy is to be believed, X never marks the spot. But Indy was in a couple cinematic turds. Also, there was a show called Pirate Master, which I will never mention again ever.
Here come Tammy and Victor, tailed closely by Mike and Mark, who totally do not even bring their backpacks WTF. (FORESHADOWING PEOPLE!) Victor is ready to propel forward (note absence of Transylvanian forests), and evidently, so is Mark. Off they go! Jamie is screaming to MOVE IF YOU ARE NOT PARTICIPATING (Jamie's policy appears to be inventing rules, rather than ignoring the established ones), but at least she has the sense, albeit shortly after they depart, to go grab the backpacks. Cara says not to tell anyone why, and it is clear we are dealing with idiots - it is not impossible to notice girls hucking around 80 lbs of backpack, is it? IS IT?
Victor notes that he is not mechanically minded (nor directionally savvy, but that was another leg), but he is copying Jamie's handiwork. Kisha and Jen arrive, and Kisha sets to work.
Jamie and Cara set off after scooping up the backpacks, and we're over to Luke and Margie, who mentions that they are on a boat in Thailand - cue ethnic music.
Mark and Mike depart, but Mark notices their absence of bags. Still, Mike states that there are boats at the dock (duh), so they must be coming back. Natch. Kisha finishes soon thereafter, but as the girls are leaving in their boat, they remember that the bags are still sitting comfortably on the dock and in their Jolly Rancher-colored taxi. I can't say I've never left a passport behind by accident (mine ended up in Tampa once, even though I ended up in San Francisco - I blame my pit-stop in Detroit), but for serious, your cash? You can't go anywhere without that, either - including in the city.
Also, it should be noted - Kisha is shoeless. This is kind of ridiculous.
Victor's propeller is evidently "okay!" by the boat-dude's standards... but then it isn't. Jeepers!
Commercial time! Go pee or grab nachos or do both at the same time.
Alright - NOW Vic's propeller is working "okay" - as opposed to before, when it was also "okay". Tammy notes that bringing their bags was a strategic move, and again, I say, we are clearly dealing with idiots.
As Jamie and Cara note that the water is not pretty-pretty Dophins aqua (HAH! Aqua!), and Margie and Luke cruise, Mike is starting to whine about the bags, which Mark is evidently not thinking about. Jen has noticed that the fanny pack is missing, but Kisha says it is "back at the thing." Jen avoids a rather important confrontation here - just listen to your big sister, Jen. I mean, who lies to their younger siblings? Cue the cymbal of subtlety, not to be confused with the CAN YOU SEE WE ARE FORESHADOWING HAMMER.
Margie and Luke spot the pier and come across the DETOUR (a choice between two activities brak brak brak): Broken teeth or broken record. Teams must choose between the two following "routine" activities in Bangkok - yes, routine things like fitting dentures and singing with trannies...
- give people happy smiles, as we look in on five people who are apparently horking up dentures
- sing repeatedly to a Thai pop video with guitars and trombones... Thai ska? But in gnarly Bangkok traffic (hee!) the party could stop - do not disappoint your man-ladies!
Dammit Jim, Margie and Luke are dentists, not singers! So onward, onward to the teeth. Jamie and Cara arrive, and Mark and Mike soon catch up (this is easy to do when you weigh a buck each and aren't burdened with big freaking backpacks); Mike casually notes Jamie and Cara's backpacks. Mark is a turnip-head. Both teams decide to sing, but the boys realize they should really get those damn backpacks - alas, the boat is gone!
Kisha and Jen are off to Chinatown minus bags and minus cash. As we return to Tammy and Victor, Vic notes how happy he is that they brought their bags - that is good strategy! The two decide upon karaoke, which is simply what one does if they are Chinese, according to Tammy. I've only been to Korean karaoke bars, myself, and there is nothing quite like singing "Let's Groove" with subtitles I simply cannot read.
Jamie and Cara are driving through a flood very slowly, which is "ridiculous" - I am not sure to which aspect of this Jamie is referring, but screaming at water doesn't seem to alleviate the problem, which I can only imagine must be frustrating for our gorgon friend.
Mark and Mike can't take the water taxi back to the docks - it is too far! Mike keeps insisting they go back, while Mark wants to soldier on but DAMMIT MARK WE HAVE TO GET OUR BACKPACKS WTF. Kisha and Jen are riding in their cab without money - I suppose it pays to be cute and charming...
Tammy and Victor are certain that if there is one thing they can do, it is karaoke. Tammy speculates that the featured song might be some sort of Thai Whitney Houston. I am imagining this and I love it. "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" is karaoke awesomeness. But then, I do a mean "Ya Mo B There", too.
Meanwhile, in the land of dentistry, Luke and Margie arrive to the tooth-vomiting people to fit them for dentures. Some of these dentures have some hardcore overbites built in - do they make braces for false teeth?
Jamie and her cab driver are having the usual set of problems, in that he is not responsive to snarling, hissing, and turning into stone. Jamie, it may be time to brush up on your Mirnglish - seriously, it's the universally understood WTF language. BEEP BEEP FASTO! EL FASTO VROOM!
Mark and Mike are now having a backpack hissy-fit, and call their cab - Mark is adamant that the cab meet the lads in Chinatown, but Mike brought irreplaceable things - dammit. Mike are you nuts? Bring nothing irreplaceable! PAPER PANTIES FOREVER.
Kisha and Jen are the first team to arrive at the man-lady cab stand, with Jamie and Cara close behind; the cheerleaders pick the man-lady wearing leopard. and, omg, the cab is totally playing my favorite song.
YOO BANG POE! I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY!
Tammy and Victor arrive, and she notes that they are gonna be riding with Mai Thai Trannies! WHEE!
I have now noticed that if the background music is to be believed, Yoo Bang Poe is more like Thai Gloria Estefan than Whitney, but that is neither here nor there.
Meanwhile, back in toothville, Margie and Luke and finding matches, no thanks to Luke, who is unaware that there are differences between top teeth and bottom teeth.
Back with the feuding brothers, Mark has reached the conclusion that Mike is not really interested in a million dollars, but on being comfortable. Comfortable in his irreplaceable solid gold underpants.
Commercial time! Grab a beer! Go pee! Digest those nachos!
And we are back to the squabblin' bros - Mike's diamond-encrusted pants are not going to rescue themselves, you know.
Margie and Luke finally clear the tooth challenge - Margie's nursing experience, as well as her ability to wield a hammer, make her comfortable with tooth-pukers, and they receive the clue to move on to the pit stop, Phuy Thai Palace! In the cab, Margie notes that she fitted all the teeth.
Luke, you are dead weight on freaking Wonder Woman. At least carry her lasso! GREAT HERA!
Kisha and Jen are now jamming along to "I Wanna Yoo Bang Poe With Somebody", and Jen has a few questions she'd like to ask. Number one, are those transvestites? *ding!* why all the makeup? Jen apparently likes her trannies to have 5 o'clock shadows - really confuse 'em, guy-girls! Also, why are we in a party taxi with 3 trannies? I shall merely paraphrase Sir Edmund Hilary.
"Because they are there." Duh.
Margie and Luke arrive at the palace and NOW drop their bags in a race against nobody, and a parrot greets them. Hello! Aha! The pirate treasure must be HERE somewhere! They are team #1, and rack up yet another fun romantic vacation. Phil notes that Margie looks better today, as opposed to passing out and vomiting. Picky picky, Phil.
Kisha and Jen's party-ride ends, and they discover that their unpaid taxi has driven away - woo hoo! They are off to the pit stop, but have to do a little searching to find a kindly cab to take them for nothin'; they eventually do. Jamie and Cara, and soon, Tammy and Victor, also finish, and as they all head for the Palace, Jamie insists that their driver follow Tammy and Vic. You know, follow the Asian people, dummy!
Mark and Mike arrive at their old cab and pay the prior fellow his 400 baht; in the midst of their scene, we see the usual lost-cab hokey pokey between Jamie and Cara, Tammy and Victor, and Kisha and Jen. Mark is being introspective, but thinks, hey, we could totally bargain with things. Mike clutches his bag tights - those diamond pants are irreplaceable, dammit.
Jamie and Cara arrive at the palace and are team #2 SQUEE! Tammy and Victor and Kisha and Jen all bolt their cabs and run off to the palace, and arrive roughly the same time. But... uh oh... Kisha and Jen can't get checked in!
Commerical time, commercial time, time to scoop the litterbox or somesuch...
And we return to an artsy shot of Kisha and Jen's fanny pack, nested comfortably on the dock some distance from here. Sorry ladies, but you can't leave Thailand without that stuff - now go get it! Tammy and Victor offer an encouraging "run like hell" and check in as team #3.
Jen and Kisha are both regretting their mistakes; less so are Mark and Mike, who arrive at the cab stand and discover, oh crap we don't have enough cash. Thankfully, mag-lites and compasses are "very expensive" and are totally viable currency. To the boys, karaoke is "as easy as putting on clothes" (even diamond pants?) and second nature - Mike is loving it.
"Don't you wanna dance
say you wanna dance
don't you wanna dance?
The, ahem, "local girl" is totally massaging Mike; apparently being child-stunt-men puts them in the middle of the entertainment industry and qualifies them as capable of showing man-ladies a good time. They eventually finish their wild ride and continue off in another soon-to-be-ripped-off cab en route to the pit stop. Kisha and Jen are still in this and are hauling fanny(pack) to get to the Palace first. Kisha dispenses the following maxim: "Never Leave Your Fanny Pack - You Never Know What's Ahead." I am tempted to embroider this on a throw pillow.
Mark and Mike are once again pawning off "gifts" to the cabbie, including their platinum watch commemorating 10 years of pretending to be Frankie Muniz in Agent Cody Banks. Phil is scowling as they arrive, eyebrow firmly planted in the full and upright position. The boys incur 2 gnarly 2-hour penalties for their, um, bargaining. They have to go sit on the naughty lawn and wait.
Kisha and Jen arrive approximately 50 minutes later, wherein they are informed that they are team #4 and not losery loser mclosers like Mark and Mike - according to Jen, their fate is up to God. But not in Utah. There is no God in Utah, because Utah is weird, according to some family whose name ends with -eaver.
The boys check in after the girls, and are told that they will serve out the rest of naughty time on the next leg, because Phil just wants to sit down already. Mike tries to explain that in the land of Buddha, the boys didn't want to incur bad karma.
Who's that? Karma Elektra?
I gotta stop watching television. Seriously.
You've been great.
I done wrote this in my Mets hat like Felix Unger