(Okay, this summary is not full of innuendo and double entendres. I promise.)
Last time, married couple Brad and Victoria came up short. (Phil's words, not mine)
We start in Transylvania, home of Vlad the Impaler. (Again, his words, I swear)
10:49 pm - Mel and Mike depart the pit stop, and the clue tells them to fly through Moscow to the city of Krasnoyarsk in Siberia. Then they have to take a taxi to a place that is pictured on the back of the ten-ruble note, a hydroelectric dam, where they'll find their next clue. Mike says his dad is part Woody Allen and part Billy Graham, with a splash of Judy Garland. Hmm...what's he trying to tell us? Lucky for you guys, I happen to speak Judy Garland, and a "splash" is equivalent to a day-worth of production at Southern Comfort, Inc. I say we'd better hope we don't see Mel doing any driving.
10:53 - Amanda and Kris are only five minutes behind Mel and Mike. Kris DR's that they are young and competitive and in love, so they're "going to win this thing." *sound of death knell* Speaking of young, how old is Amanda? She has the face of a woman, but from the neck down she's eight. We'll probably never find out, since Kris spoketh the words of the damned.
10:55 - Kisha and Jen leave a couple of minutes behind Amanda and Kris. All we hear from them is that their a$$ hurts, and they're going to Siberia, where they have Siberian tigers.
11:06 - Margie and Luke are the 4th team out of the gate. Mom raves about her kitten and how he is just pouncing all over everyone.
11:07 - Mark and Michael would be all over Margie and Luke's tails, if it didn't take them so long to pronounce "Siberia."
11:08 - Christie and Jodi, the flight attendants, are starting in 6th place. They say "Research is gonna be the most important thing right now." The taxi driver suggests they go to an internet cafe. They dub him their New Favourite Cab Driver, and set out on their way.
11:29 - Red Christie and Red Jodi (real names: Jaime and Cara) are next to leave. They marvel at the dam on the back of the ten-ruble note. "Pretty powerful beavers must have built that dam! They must be females!" Um, the reds are speaking blonde. It's getting harder and harder to distinguish between these two teams.
So we stop watching the starting line for a few minutes to watch something utterly amazing and stupid happen in the cabs. The stuntmen, Mark and Michael (M&M), decide to call Lufthansa ahead of time to check into the flights. So they ask the cab driver for a phone, and for some reason they call another cab driver. It happens to be the New Favourite Cab Driver. He hands the phone to the Reds, who quickly figure out that it's M&M, and they pretend to be the party-to-which-he-is-speaking. Mark marvels at the Lufthansa attendant's Americanese. She goes on to tell them about a flight in business class, and he says they can't do business class, to which the Reds start splitting a gut and hang up. M&M are stupified.
That does it. The remainder of this summary will be composed under the influence of a Judy Garland-sized Bailey's on ice. Typing mistakes are the responsibility of M&M.
1:30 - Tammy and Victor depart. Tammy whines about going from first place to last all in one day, because Victor was such a useless idiot on the last leg.
The Blondes are at the internet cafe, bragging about how their flight attendantness is going to help them plan flights. Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are at the airport, practising in what Mel describes as a "turkey shoot" given the variety of flights available to Moscow. Most believe that there will be so few flights from Moscow to Krosnosterack (as pronounced by Mike) that they'll all be bunched up in Moscow anyway. After all, this is TAR, and airport-bunching is the new black.
They're wrong. While the other five teams are waiting in Moscow for the next flight, M&M, the blondes, and Jennifer and Kisha arrive at Krasnoyarsk Airport at 5:40 am. They race to the female beaver dam but then have to wait until it opens at 8:30 am. When that happens, the other teams are still not there. M&M get to the clue box first, then Jen and Kisha, then the blondes.
Route Info - Proceed to the Church of Saint Innokenty to get their next clue, which is a...
Detour - Teams have to choose between two tasks that Siberians do to protect themselves from the bitter cold: Stack or Construct. In Stack, teams have to go to the waterfront and use a traditional method to stack a pile of firewood. In Construct, teams have to travel on foot to a woodshed and construct a set of wood shutters, and then assemble them and deliver them to a house that is marked by the TAR flag and a "repairs needed" sign. Then they have to install them. The three frontrunner teams decide to Stack.
The blondes get there first, and while Jodi is getting all bossy with Christie, I realize her voice is reminiscent of Miley Cyrus. This explains why the Siberians around them all seem to be drinking. *takes a sip of Bailey's*
While they stack, the other five teams arrive at the airport and start the race for fourth place. Much time has lapsed by the time we see the wood piles again. They look to be a few feet high, when suddenly M&M's stack falls against the stack behind it, bringing both stacks down. They have to rebuild both stacks, so they decide to to quit that task and do Construct instead. Mark gets in a tussle with a dog on the way, and Michael yells "down boy! Mark! Leave that dog alone!" while Mark walks away sneering back at the dog. They see that the shutter assembly looks pretty heavy, so they decide to walk around first to find the house with the sign. Jen and Kisha finish stacking the wood first, and get the next clue.
"Make your way to the Museum of the Novel "The Last Bow" and enter through the marked door. Caution! U-Turn Ahead!!"
Yes, the clue used two!! exclamation!! marks!!, and I think I saw a bunch of ZOMG!1!one!!11!'s blocked by Kisha's thumb.
Phil explains that this is the first of only two U-Turns found in the race. It will appear at the end of a Detour, and teams can use it to slow down another team by making them go back and perform the other side of the detour. But there's a twist, says Phil: this a BLIND U-Turn. The twist is that the team that strikes down an opponent using the U-Turn doesn't have to identify themselves as the culprit.
Jennifer and Kisha are on their way. The blondes finish, and the guy tells them their stack sucks, but they're cute, so they can go. He gets an extra-long hug and cuddles the blondes while they read the clue. Kisha and Jen decide not to U-Turn anybody, and get the next clue:
Route Info - Teams must take a taxi to a local amusement park, "Bdbrovy Log Park," where they will search for their next clue.
Amanda and Kris are the first of the last bunch to arrive at the Detour. They choose to do Stack, since Amanda isn't. Amanda figures she'll do well because her mom used to make her stack her wood. Mel and Mike decide to do Stack, as do Maggie and Luke, Jaime and Cara, and Tammy and Victor.
Jen and Kisha get to the amusement park and find the...
Roadblock - One team member rides a bobsled at up to 55 mph down a rollercoastery 3-mile course in under four minutes. They must also memorize 7 letters that are posted at various points on the way down. When they get to the bottom, they have to write the letters down and show them to the letter-nazi, who will either let them go on if they are right, or send them back down the course if they are wrong. If they are right, they have to unscramble the letters to come up with the name of a famous Russian playwright. Ckechov. Or Ceckhov. No! Wait! C, H, E, K, H, O, V. chekhov. Then they get their next clue.
I have to admit, this looks like a blast. It sucks that they have to do the memory task, too, because that would take the fun out of the ride. I would place it second to the big, watery hampster ball in New Zealand in season 1. Or was that 2?
Anyway, enough about me. Kisha is like me, enjoying the ride and saying to heck to the letters. Woohoo!! She only gets six letters and has to go again. Yeah, right, I say she thought the ride rocked and "forgot" to look at that V.
Christie is doing it for the blonde team.
Back at the Detour, the reds are doing nothing but complaining about how Amanda is doing nothing while Kris is building the whole thing. But they do think the world of Margie and Luke, because girls rule and boys drool. M&M are still walking the streets looking for the house that needs shutters.
Christie is on the ride and, unlike Kisha, she is taking it seriously and collects all the letters. She is having trouble spelling them, though. Suddenly, CRRRAASH!!! Mel and Mike's wood collapses! Then the reds and Kris and Amanda lose their wood. Margie and Luke finish building their wood, as do Tammy and Victor. Before they leave, Margie and Luke U-Turn Kris and Amanda, so that Jaime and Kara have more time to complete their task.
Mel and Mike decide to do construct, and M&M have decided to stop looking for the house and build the shutters instead so they can take their minds off of how incompetent they've been thus far. Kisha is back on the ride and finds her V and then tries to beat Christie at figuring out the name of the playwright. She finishes, and they move past the blondes, who appear to solve it soon after.
Mel and Mike show up at the workshop, and M&M are relieved to see them so that someone can show them how to complete this godfersakin' task. Mel doesn't want to help them for free, so he tells them to help them put their shelter together and they can help them look for the house after that. The four retreat to the workshop, where Kris and Amanda join them. They are all going to do the rest of the task together.
Margie and Luke and Tammy and Victor arrive at the ride. Victor and Luke are doing it.
At the finish line, Kisha/Jen and the blondes are trying to find the main entrance. Phil is on stage with a bunch of dancers and The Mat. The camera pans to the theatre entrance and the team that rushes in first is...the blondes! Christie and Jodi are team #1! Yes way! They have each won a motorcycle. Kisha and Jen arrive in second place.
Victor says "who doesn't know who Chekhov is" and quickly finishes the puzzle. I call BS. He's probably a hockey fan. Even the casual NHL fan should be able to get this. Luke not only doesn't watch hockey, but English is his second language and he is frustrated with the puzzle. Jaime and Cara are finally leaving the wood pile after reconstructing it "with no help from boys!" They are so thankful to whoever U-Turned Kris and Amanda, and they go on to the bobsled, where poor Luke has tried four times to spell the name with no luck.
Amanda/Kris, M&M, and Mel/Mike wander around outside the house that needs repairs looking for the house that needs repairs. Mel suddenly spots the signs, and they carry their ladders full of shutters onto the grounds, lamenting about how stupid they all are.
Luke is worried about the other teams, and finally gets the puzzle right on his fifth try! Luke and Margie are headed for the pit stop!
The reds show up at the bobsled and Jaime is the one going down.
Mel and Mike and M&M finish the shutters and are off to the bobsled. They see that Kris and Amanda have been U-Turned already and they feel bad for them. Kris and Amanda finally find out they've been U-Turned and they hate everyone. They are scumbags, and they've been nice to all of them. The scumbags.
Tammy and Victor show up on the mat in 3rd place! Woohoo!
Jaime finishes the ride and the puzzle on the first try. Margie and Luke arrive on the mat and they are in 4th place! Woohoo! Jaime and Kara are team #5! Woohoo!
Michael and Mel are doing the ride. Michael fakes missing a letter so that he can go on the ride again. Kris and Amanda finish the wood pile and have decided that Kisha/Jen or the blondes U-Turned them. Margie and Luke probably felt soooo bad when they saw it!
Mel finishes the ride and the puzzle on the first try. Michael is trying again and gets the puzzle. Amanda and Kris are bobsledding. Kris is having difficulty solving the puzzle. Mel and Michael finish in sixth place! Woohoo!
Mark and Michael are in trouble. The cab has arrived at the pit stop, but they don't have enough money to pay for the cab. They offer a watch, and the cab driver is all "Dude, I've got a Rolex."
Amanda and Kris have solved the puzzle and are off to the pit stop. The cab driver has mercy on M&M and they run into the theatre. They are team #7! Woohoo!
Sometime the next day or so, Amanda and Kris show up on the mat and give Phil a little kick, waking him. Phil crawls weerily out of his sleeping bag, clears his throat and does his thing. Amanda and Kris, you are the last team to arrive. No woohoo for you!
Next time, Luke gets a bad rep and we will be treated to what looks like flossing. Some good, some bad.
Perpetual *headbutt* compliments of Rolly.