Get it? Van Gogh? Painting? Van Goes? India? Get it? Huh? Huh?
Well, we're not getting any younger, and neither are Ken and Tina, nor are the
shrews divorcees, and Ishvara knows we don't want those two going all dementia on us, so let's get this show on the road...to India.
Hi, I'm Phil. You may remember me from such reality shows as "Exploit Your Elderly Relatives on Reality TV" or "How Low Are Your Manboobs." We're here today to launch our teams on to the next leg of the race here in Delhi.
*ahem* The first team to arrive at the pitstop is the first team to leave twelve hours later. In tonight's show, that team is brother and sister Nick and Starrrr.
They depart at 8:55 am, and are instructed by the clue to make their way through congested streets to Deshbandu Apartments and search for the complex's "Central Park" where they'll find their next clue.
Nick and Starrrr feel like people will have it out for them because they've come in first so many times. Nick says that one thing they have going for them is that they tell little white lies that help them progress further in the race.
The next team to depart is Kelly and Christy, a pair of
old shrews young divorcees.
(Okay, so they're not sisters, but close enough.) They depart the pitstop at 9:02 am. While in the cab, they confide a little snippet of their strategy: they're going to wear their hair UP.
Third to leave the pitstop is mother and son duo Toni and Dallas.
Awww, lookit Dallas. He looks so cute and small next to his mommy. And we've heard her talk about how proud she is of her little hunnykins.
I wonder if she's ever googled him? Oh, I'm so naughty! Let's just say he is comfortable in his own skin.
Toni and Dallas depart at 9:10 am. Toni DR's that she's always felt like he's her baby (*snicker*).
Terence and Sarah are next out of the gate.
Terence is the one in the back. They pile into a cab with camera crew and Terence's ego at 9:31 am. They see a family of three riding on a motorcycle and Sarah remarks "This is, like, SO India!"
We return to the cab of Kelly and Christy, who are killing time with a game of truth or dare. "Who would you rather make out with? Andrew or Dan?
Poor Andrew and Dan. They're second to last, leaving at 9:44, they haven't even brushed the sleep boogers out of their eyes and they're already getting bashed by the not-TOO-ugly chicks.
Ken and Tina are last to depart at 9:51 am.
OOPS!! Whoa, what happened there? Let's try that again:
Ken and Tina are last to depart at 9:51 am.
Awww that's better. Aren't they a cute husband-and-wife-trying-to-save-their-marriage team? Ken and Tina were total losers last time but Phil saved their asses so that the show wouldn't lose it's aging sports players and trophy wives demographic. On this leg, they will encounter a "speed bump" which is a task that only they will have to complete, along with all other tasks, before they can head for the pit stop.
And we're off!
Nick and Starr are first to arrive at the Roadblock:
Who's ready for a colourful experience?
They have to take part in a traditional thingie called a "Holi Festival." They have to run through a bunch of revellers who will be pelting them with powdered dye and water. They have to climb up ladders and sort through a bunch of envelopes that say "Try Again" until they find one of only six with the TAR logo. These six envelopes contain their next clue.
Only one team member can perform the Roadblock.
Starrrr volunteers for team sibs. The locals pretty much ignore her until she gets up the ladder.
Meanwhile, Team Shrew's cabbie is lost and has to stop for directions. Oh, and lunch and maybe a bathroom break. In fact, it appears that they're still sitting there when Starrrr gets the next clue: Find the Charity Birds Hospital and search through cages of injured birds for their next clue. As they're leaving, one reveller smacks Nick in the face with red paint. When they leave, Nick is more colourful than his sister who actually did the roadblock. (Note the "u" in the word colour and its derivatives; let us not forget this is an internationalistic show. )
Toni and Dallas jump up to second place and arrive at the Roadblock next. When Dallas reads the clue about the colourful experience, he gets a moment of panic on his face that this has something to do with those naked pictures on the internet, but then he breathes a sigh of relief when he sees all the colourful powder flying about. He runs into the crowd and easily snags the clue whilst getting covered in paint. His mother yells "I can't even SEE you!"
Oh, I can, Dallas. Frisky can.
They run off to Charity Bird Hospital, while Kelly and Christy debate ditching the driver. They must be debating in the parking lot of Central Park, because suddenly they are at the Roadblock, and Kelly is running into the crowd of partiers.
She gets PELTED. COVERED in paint. OMG says Christy. OMG says I. She gets it right in the face several times. I think the ex must have sent a memo to the organizers of the Holi Festival. This is a vicious attack. I am mesmerized by the intensity of it, and a smile creeps on my lips just as the camera pans over to Christy who I swear also has a smile creeping over her lips!
Kelly runs out of the war zone covered in many layers of paint. This isn't pretty paint, either, folks. The colours are beautiful as they are floating through the air in their powdered form. But in layers on Kelly, red mixed with purple mixed with yellow mixed with green makes BLACK. She gulps water to wash down the paint and goes back for more.
She thinks it's just dreadful that this is something that they actually celebrate annually. Her ex probably felt the same way about their wedding anniversary.
She runs back to a ladder, runs up, pulls out a random envelope and runs back to Kelly like a good doggie. Oh, speaking of good doggies, Terence and
Smithers Sarah have arrived and Terence is going to do the Roadblock. "Who's my girl?!" he shouts before he runs off. "You are!" yelps his little puppy. "Oh wait! Wrong answer! I am! I'm your girl!"
Oh, great, Sarah, now you've ruined Terance's positive aura and if he doesn't do well on this challenge, it will be All.Your.Fault.
Kelly, who is now totally black, gets another empty envelope instead of the clue. Terance, who despite his failings (Sarah) actually reads the clues (no thanks to Sarah), finishes easily.
Andrew and Dan arrive. Dan runs through the revellers, remarking that it was like a wild rave party, except there were no hot blonde chicks, just sausages covered in paint.
In the cab, Terence makes Sarah examine his saliva for paint so that she, too, can feel his pain.
Dan finishes easily and they head off to the bird hospital, while Kelly and Christy open yet another empty envelope. Kelly runs back out and no sooner does she get out to the ladder but somebody trips her and she does a lipstand right in a pile of powder! She runs back to Christy and tells her she just can't do this. She just can't! They're going to have to do IT! They're going to have to...*sob*...read the clue!
So she runs back again to look for the MARKED envelope just as the revellers open the memo from Christy's ex. Obediently, they run over to Christy and paint her from head to toe. Kelly finally gets a clue and they leave.
Meanwhile, the lovebirds arrive. Ken does the Roadblock, proving that chivalry is not dead, and that he will continue to pay for his indiscretions by enduring as much suffering as possible throughout the remainder of his life. And endure he does. He gets whipped with powder as he...wait, what was that? Did you see that? It looked like he whispered something to one of the paint-throwers. Suddenly, the mob launches an attack on Tina, painting her green. Why green, Ken? Does that represent all the $$$ you could lose to her in a divorce settlement? Or is it something to do with gellusy? See, audience, there's lots going on when you read between the lines.
She's actually pretty good natured about it, though, and she thinks they can just clean up later. Time is of the essence!
Nobody feels the pressure of time like Kelly and Christy, who have come to the cruel realization that they are too damn ugly for cab drivers in Delhi.
Okay, enough of that. Onto the birds. *licks chops*
Nick and Starrrr get through this one by following the smell of bird droppings. They are the first to come upon the Detour:
Bleary Eyed or Teary Eyed
In Bleary Eyed, teams have to follow a maze of overhead wires and write down the numbers on little tags hanging from a power line. When they reach the end of the street, they have to show their list of numbers to this fella:
If they are right, they go to a shop and plug in a funky musical light thingie and receive their next clue.
In Teary Eyed, teams have to go to a spice market and find a stall and pick up bags of dried chilis and carry them to another place where they'll crush them with a mortar and pestle.
Nick and Starrrr decide to do bleary eyed.
Meanwhile, Dallas and Mom find the clue at the Bird Hospital and decide to do bleary eyed. Toni has another confessional where she remarks about the man that Dallas has become.
It is now time for the obligatory Step away from the summary, Frisky. Step.Away.From.The.Summary.
Terence is in a cab holding a water bottle and asking how to get it in his nose. *daydreams* They arrive at the Bird Hospital where Terence announces "I feel like it's underneath the seeds." He directs Sarah into the cage and shuts the door. He tells her to ask the bird to move. Yes, he tells her to ask the bird to move. They have no luck in the cage, and to that particular bird's relief, they go on to find the clue elsewhere.
Terence and Sarah find the clue and decide to do Teary Eyed, because, and I quote Terence here, "This is our strength." They take a rikshaw and are on their way.
Andrew and Dan are right behind them and decide to do Bleary Eyed.
The divorcees. Well, they're in a cab on the way to the Bird Hospital and have cheered up somewhat. They decide to SCARE the people on the street as they pass, by hanging out the window and ROARing. Yes, ROARing. They just think this is so funny! The cab driver, meanwhile, fears for his life.
Ken and Tina get to the Bird Hospital where they encounter that damned speed bump. They have to go to a temple and perform a community service by serving holy water to the masses. Once everyone is quenched, they can go on to where they left off.
Kelly and Christy have gone through the Bird Hospital and have decided to do Bleary Eyed.
Nick and Starrrr and Toni and Dallas have decided to work together on Bleary Eyed, while Terence and Sarah have started carrying their bags. Andrew and Dan are stuck in a taxi and Ken and Tina are serving water. Meanwhile, Kelly and Christie enjoy a scenic tour of Old Dehli, thanks to a kindly rikshaw driver who they tell in no uncertain terms to STFU and pedal.
Ken and Tina finish their speed bump and end up in the middle of a traffic jam. Ken jumps out of the cab and picks up the traffic, moves it to the side of the road, and directs the cab through the open road.
Nick and Starrrr and Dallas and Toni present their numbers to Comic Book Guy. He scowls and then grins and gives them the go-ahead to the shop where they plug in the funky light. Then they get the directions to the Pit Stop: Humayun's Tomb, built in the 16th century. They split up into their respective teams again and race to the pit stop!
Terence and Sarah are on fire. Terence wants the shop owner to examine his saliva so that the shop owner can see the paint and hotness of the pepper fumes and share in his suffering.
At the Bird Hospital, Ken and Tina decide to do Bleary Eyed.
Andrew and Dan approach Comic Book Guy with their list of numbers. Comic Book Guy throws the list back at them and spits on the ground in disgust. They go back to the beginning and start counting all the wrong numbers again. Kelly and Christy sail down the street in a covered rikshaw, blocking out the overhead wires. They, too, count all the wrong signs. Comic Book Guy scowls in disgust and gives them the thumbs down.
At the Pit Stop, Phil waits on the mat. The hard-working local is busy at work and has to be prompted by Phil to chill for a minute and come and greet the Americans. The guy tears himself away from his work runs over to the mat just in time to meet the first team, Nick and Starrrr.
"Welcome to India."
Nick and Starrrr have won a romantic trip to Hawaii.
Dallas and Toni are in second place.
Back at Comic Book Guy's stand, Andrew and Dan get the thumbs down again. Kelly and Christy are on their second trip down the street in the rikshaw. Ken and Tina are now starting to count (the right numbers). The guys offer to work with the girls and they decline.
Terence and Sarah finish Teary Eyed and fantasize in the cab about rubbing cow manure all over each other's bodies later.
Kelly and Christie get the thumbs down again and Ken and Tina annoy Comic Book Guy by getting too close. Then he grins his approval and they are off to the Pit Stop! But first...
*kicks Julie Chen out of summary*
First they decide to help Andrew and Dan by showing them the *right* numbers.
Kelly and Christy finally figure out that they've been looking at the wrong numbers all along.
Terence and Sarah are at the Pit Stop and are officially in 3rd place.
Andrew and Dan take another trip to Comic Book guy, who tents the comic book over his head as he examines the numbers. They're right! Andrew and Dan are off to the Pit Stop!
Kelly and Christy approach Comic Book guy in his comic book hat and finally get the go-ahead! It's a race to the finish line!
Ken and Tina arrive on the mat in 4th place.
The guys are stuck in traffic. The girls are stuck in traffic. The camera runs up to Phil, and it's...
Andrew and Dan! They are team #5!
Kelly and Christy run to the mat to whiny music. They are the last team to arrive.
*please don't be a non-elimination leg*
*please don't be a non-elimination leg*
*please don't be a non-elimination leg*
"I'm sorry to tell you you have been eliminated from the race."
Well, fiddle-dee-dee! Kelly and Christy wanted this really bad because they're just so darned tired of ironing sheets.
And so that ends our tour of India. Next time, there's a "fast forward race" which will determine who is ahead and who falls behind, and Andrew and Dan turn on each other.
I'm outta here!