PK: So do you really think this is a good idea?
BVM: Absolutely, Jer and I both agree we need to spice things up.
BVM: Probst would do it.
PK: Okay, but I don’t swim that well
BVM: Man breasts float Phil, you’ll be fine!
BVM: Anyway we have this special vest just for you, it’s XXXL <hands him life vest>.
PK: Is this leather?!?
BVM: Genuine imported hand dyed black leather.
PK: Do leather and water really work together? <shakes head>
BVM: Not really but it looks great on TV, plus black makes things look smaller if you know what I mean. Oh and just in case it doesn’t hold up well, we need to make it on one take, you ready?
PK: Okay Bertram, but I got some serious reservations.
<speedboat zips up>
JB: Get a move on the camera crew is ready and I didn’t rent this boat for the whole day!
PK: Umm, not rea…
BVM: Great lets go!
<hands Phil a pair of skies>
PK: These things look awfully thin are you positive they will take that ramp?
JB: Only two of them broke in our test run.
PK: How many did you do?
BVM: We need to go or we’ll miss the sun.
PK: Guys I’m not sur…
JB: Bert, you have Probst number?
PK: <glares> Lets get this over with.
BVM: Ok we’ll let you get your balance, pick up speed, and then head for the jump. If for any reason you need us to stop give us the thumbs up sign.
<Phil on the dock looking nervous, with Bertram and Jerry in the boat>
BVM: Hit it Jerry!
<the boat takes off and a wobbly Phil rights himself>
JB: He did better than I thought.
JB: Let’s do this <increases the speed>
BVM: Hey look he’s waving, is that a thumb?
JB: <glancing back> Leather jacket, thumb up, ski ramp ahead, perfect!
BVM: What if he doesn’t make it?
JB: Well Anderson Cooper needs to come back to reality.
<ski jump approaches, Phil sets up, crashes into the ramp and drug over into the shark tank>
BVM: Oww, that looks like it hurt.
JB: He’ll be fine; it’s a good thing we didn’t actually get that shark though.
BVM: So what now, that family thing?
JB: I guess we’ll have to <shrugs> The Amazing Race 8: Family Edition
Episode 1 Summay
We start in New York City where ten teams of four people who are related by blood, marriage, carnal knowledge, or some combination thereof descend upon some park under the Brooklyn Bridge. The Families consist of the following:
Family Gaghan, aka Team Little White Kids, is a typical family unit with your average white Mom (Tammy), your average white Dad (Bill), and two average white sneaky marathon running kids (Carissa age 9 and Billy age 12)
Family Godlewski, aka Team White Chicks in Pink Shirts, is a team of four white sistas (Tricia, Christine, Sharon, Michelle) who want people to think they are dumb and blond, because, well, they are.
Family Linz, aka Team Smelly White Siblings, is a team of four white siblings (Tommy, Megan, Nick, Alex) who want to be the “fun” team because they like to crack white jokes and smelly farts around each other.
Family Paolo, aka Team Bickering White Immigrants, is a family whose white Dad (Tony) came from one of those old white countries, along with his white screw wife (Marion) and their two disrespectful white kids (DJ and Brian age 16), who feel they are living the American dream because their kids don’t have to walk uphill in the snow both ways to school like they did.
Family Schroeder, aka Team Smartass White Cajun, is a homeless family from New Orleans with Dad (Mark) trying to do his best Jonathon impression, cajun white evil (aren’t they always) step mom (Char) and two handicapped, due to their father, white teens (Stassi age 16, and Hunter age 14), who need to win in case someday a hurricane destroys their home as well as the rest of the state of Louisiana.
Family Weaver, aka Team Hard-luck God-fearing Redneck White Trash, whose patriarch was killed in a tragic accident during a racing event around an oval which propelled his widow (Linda) to enter herself and their white teenangsters (Rachel age 16, Rebecca age 19, Rolly age 14) in a racing event around the world, good luck with all that.
Family Rogers, aka Team Non-Descript White Family, white Mom (Renee), white Dad (Denny), two white kids (Brock, Brittney), yawn… next.
Family Black, aka Team Cute Kids, which includes a normal mom and dad (Kim and Reggie), and their two cute karate kick’n kids (Kenneth age 11, Austin age 8), who feel their strength will be that other teams will underestimate them because they are nice and their kids are cute, good strategy, I hope they win!
Family Aiello, aka Team You Did WHAT With My Lilly White Daughter, a team which consists of a white Dad (Tony) and three white guys (David, Matt, Kevin) who like to have sex with his white daughter(s?) and now wants to spoon his white ass… hey at least they want to keep it in the family.
Family Bransen, aka Team Sugar White Daddy, a team that consists of a white dad (Walter) and his three little white girls (Elizabeth, Lauren, Lindsay), who aren’t that little anymore, and no I did not just call them fat, but I did call them white.
Tired of the white jokes yet??? Me too… I promise I’ll stop now, or at least soon… just don’t hold me to it.
Cut to Phil, explaining the rules very very slowly this time, in order to make sure that everyone knows that even if you drag your two cute adorably precious little kids with you, when you’re the last team to get to the mat, you will eliminated and be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. Then raising his arm up high, and his eyebrow even higher, the race is on. It is at this point that it becomes painfully obvious at least one of the problems with the family format, that being instead of 22 full sized adults running like a bunch of lemming towards the edge of the cliff we instead have 40 ficken people many of which are only slightly larger than Mirna running like a bunch of lemming towards the edge of the cliff on slick wet grass. Fortunately for the producers it appears only the old and relatively fit fail miserably at this juncture and the little kids are not in fact stampeded to their death, which is good since until they start talking, in about 5 minutes from now or roughly one paragraph from here, they looked really cute and I’m sure trampling little cute non-talking kids would be a ratings downer... at least this week.
Upon getting to their stuff they are instructed to get into their super sized SUV’s and go to the airp… strike that, they are directed to go to Soho. That’s right the first destination in our trip around the world is some sporting goods store in Soho, to get camping gear. Humm, I wonder that they will use that for. Hilarity of course ensues as the various teams pile into their various vehicles after stowing their various junk that they will lug along with them for however far they wind up going. Plus the fun it always is watching people in a hurry drive in a large city where there is little patience for stupid drivers, and with this cast at least, and at this point in the race they are ALL stupid drivers. It also however, gives us a glimpse into why this season and its “stunt” casting may not in fact be the end of this franchises success. The kids after all, are cute, and the interaction with the parents is comical. From the Paolo’s, who are New Yorker’s getting lost in their own town with their teenager sons horror, to one of the Black kids saying Soho is a nice place, he thinks, to the cute little girl asking her dad about all the spray paint on the building walls, to the Schroeder dad bemoaning the fact he doesn’t have crippled children so they could use that to push themselves ahead, this may well be an interesting dynamic that in fact adds to the show.
They all eventually make it to the sporting goods store, and get their gear. In an effort to allow the store to remain standing upon their completion of this event they have placed all the items that the teams need with a nice little placard and their name on top of it so as to cause the least amount of disturbance as possible. Not that some of the teams appear to be able to actually read mind you, and of course at least one display completely unrelated to the show or the activities is completely crashed to the ground without the offending team even bothering to act like they were going to put it back in place or ask if it would be helpful if they even tried to for that matter, but hey, the store did try and at least in this case we have proof that you don’t have to be in a foreign country to be an ugly American.
Upon getting their gear, a task completed by relatively all the teams at the same time (at least for every team without a home field advantage that is), they are told to find a specific hot dog vendor in a different part of the city to get their next clue. These vendors of course don’t actually sell hotdogs, they are in fact only there to dispense clues. Either that or fate has not worked that well for the fan favorite previous racers known affectionately as the Festers in an unaccredited cameo appearance, something race aficionados are sure to look for in future episodes in case this is something more than a one time event. At the hotdog stand they are then directed to leave New York and head for Pennsylvania, which was amazingly identified by some as possibly, maybe, being a state in and of itself... as if!
It is now about the time that knowing where the racers are in relationship to each other may be helpful... *snicker* I crack me up sometimes. Anyways the Linz Siblings and the Gaghans with their cute little whi.. kids are on their way of town first, without maps I might add. The Paolo are dragging up the rear a place I expect they will remain near until they leave us for good sometime soon although not in this summary. The other 28 contestants are somewhere in the middle rising or falling as their merits merit.
The next destination is the Delaware river where George Washington, which someone might have identified as maybe being a President… as if, crossed in that famous painting, an event that probably never even really happened, but hey we're not here for pseudo history we're here to watch people drown in knee deep sludge. Once at the river the teams will paddle their way across the river get a flag and then paddle back. Once back on the side where they parked, which will of course be quiet handy when they leave, they will be treated to a flag folding ceremony and lecture on proper flag etiquette, a lecture I might add that would have been far more helpful before they drug ole glory through the muck as they were getting them into their boats.
Proving that the first to leave is not in fact the first to arrive the “incest begins at home” Aiello’s are the first to the River and with the chorus’ of “stroke it, stoke it hard” are the first to complete the task. Followed shortly by the Bransen girls and their daddy, who thankfully don’t use that particular cheer (eww) and then several of the more non-descript teams. At the point the once co-leading Gaghan’s arrive it is however clear that teams with the little kids might have a difficult time on tasks like this one. The Linz siblings, early leaders, are of course looking for a clue or at least a map. The Paolo’s? I’m not sure where they are either but base on their comments it’s likely somewhere near Delaware, which is, in fact, a state… as if!
Once the teams complete the river crossing it is time to send them to the airpo… strike that, must be a different show, in actuality it’s time to send them to some park to use that camping gear they sent them to get in Soho. The first teams to arrive and get their tents set up to the satisfaction of several punk kids with bad haircuts dressed in quasi military gear, will get the honor of leave earlier the next day. The later arrivals get to sleep in. So since the Aiello’s were first to complete the Delaware crossing, they will obviously be the first to the campsite right. Right and they are in the first group. Same would be for the Branson’s and the other non-decripts right, well no, seems they got lost as those sneaky little kids and the widow Weavers actually arrive earlier and take the final two early slots.
Time to check back with the Linz siblings, ah they now have a map, but they are 45 minutes off course, good for them! The Pinks and the Blacks finally made it to the river and as hinted earlier, the little kids seem a bit distracted, but hey what do you expect with some white guy in a wig is the captain of your boat?!? The Pinks, well I think they were using the “stroke” method too, I guess as the saying goes, if it feels good, then do it. The Paolo’s are well, lost, I think that’s the best description for them, although clueless might fit as well, although that term will likely fit better in the next paragraph.
Back at the camp those sneaky little cute kids are helping the late arrivers pitch their tents, diabolical how they ingratiate themselves with the other teams!!! I think we have found our Boston Rob for this season and he’s a 9 year old girl. Meanwhile back at the uncompleted task we have a race to see which looser team will show up last, as if we care, after all we know unless they don’t make it before all the George Washington clones leave they will be arbitrarily bunched in the morning anyways. For those who just have to know though, the Paolo’s loose the race to the Linz, and I expect it wasn’t actually that close, except for the editing. Oh and as promised the Paolo’s indeed loose their clue, as if they had one to loose in the first place, although I guess it wasn’t actually a rules violation any more than the other teams helping the late arrivers pitch their tents in order to secure the more favorable times before the late late arrivers... perhaps it's just a kinder and gentler TAR this time.
Anyways, in the morning in the pouring rain, the first set of three followed closely by the second and the third get their instructions to head to the airpor… strike that, no it’s off to ole McDonald’s farm with a chick chick here and brat brat there, EIEIO. Oh well, I guess they are saving the air travel for next week, after they get rid of some of the slower teams with the smaller children. So, off to the farm we go, where we will get a roadblock or at least a detour, or maybe this isn’t really TAR after all. Nope it is indeed a detour, and Phil, who is actually still on the show, appears out from a barn to tells us all about it. A detour of course is a choice between two tasks one of which is by definition much easier and the ability to determine which is which is the key to long term survival in this game. Let see what we have, the first option is to buggy it, which involves taking a large buggy, putting two of your teammates inside and then pushing it a long way. The second is build it, in which you put together a mini watermill/outhouse with all the pieces marked, numbered and blueprint that shows you where to put everything. On first glace the buggy might look the easiest until you realize just how heavy the thing is, especially if you add two teammates weight into the mix… well unless those two teammates weigh 50 pounds between them soaking wet that is.
With only one hour separating the first and leave teams to leave it’s anyone’s race to loose at this point. The Weaver and the Aiello teams are the first to find the farm, and the first confronted with the Detour. The manly son-in-law team the Aiello decide to do the buggy *grunt-grunt*. Not to be outdone the God-fearing Weaver clan, and since they are fascinated with things with wheels that can kill you if you get run over by them they obviously opt for the buggy too. Shortly there after the Gaghan and their snaekly little lightweight kids show up and pick the buggy too. Time for more people to show up, but wait we have some excitement, the Weavers, having pushed their buggy up a hill now are going down the hill, except someone failed to tell them how to use the brakes on the thing and well, I guess it’s the time of the summary for a song and since were at about the 6 page mark no one will be left reading to be offended anyways, so to the tune of “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” I present to you, the shortest most offense song parody in the recent summary history which may or may not actually be a true statement since I haven't had a chance to read any lately.Mommy got runned over by a buggy,
Like Daddy he got runned over by a car,
Some peeps think there’s so such thing as karma,
But after this, for me hell is in store
Meh, that wasn't all it was hyped to be, better move on. I guess we should start with, she lived, and they decided that maybe that wasn’t actually the best detour for them, good call. At some point the Linz peeps show up and since everyone else picked the wrong task who are they to think for themselves, so off to the buggy again. The Godlewski girls who despite only have one working brain between them figure out that you know that building task don’t look so bad, lets do that. As the rest trickle in they seem to agree and soon the outline of mini outhouses are peppering the landscape.
What about the buggy pushers? Well the Aiello’s who were in the first group to show up, are struggling mightily, after all Dad in-law doesn’t appear to have missed many meals and two people must be in the buggy at all times. The Gaghan’s appear to have it a bit easier as the kids sing songs to encourage their parents/rickshaw drivers and at the same time taunt the worn out Aiellos, they’re evil I tells ya, don’t be fooled by that cute little smile, she’ll cut your throat if you let her.
In the field of dreams the near-death Weavers are making progress on their little house. In fact they may well be the first finished with this task which ironically would have been true had they killed Mom as well (ouch! that was worse than the song parody... I take comfort in knowing no one reads this far anyways). The Godlewski gals are also looking good, and I don’t mean smelling good cause it looks like only one of them changed shirts, either that or they packed a lot of pink, and no that isn’t code for anything you gutterheads. The others appear to be making progress as well. Which of course means its time to check back with the Aiellos, panting, the Linz puking, and of course the Gaghan’s who we will take this opportunity to paraphrase now.
Billy: Parental Units, I am so sorry that I was unable to assist you in your endeavors to pull this buggy and that I have ridden here taunting both you and anyone we have met along our myriad of travels
Carrisa: <to Billy> You are such a dork
Tammy: This is a nice butt workout
Bill: If you think that’s nice wait til we get to the pitstop
Carrisa: Daddy do they allow people to...
Well, look at the time, must mean someone will be done soon and headed for the pitstop, and indeed it is it’s the Weaver’s God love them, last team to arrive will be eliminated. Close on their heels the Godlewski gals, and yes, coming round the mountain is the Gaghan’s. WooHoo a race to the finish line, I wonder who will win, oh the excitement, oh I wonder what they will win, oh I wonder if my ears will ever recover when the Godless screeching girls win the 20 grand! Ooops guess I gave that away huh, no matter they did and my ears are still ringing. The Gaghan’s in a sprint take second over the Weaver’s. The rest will be trickling in over time with the only surprise being the Paolo’s who appear to hate each other more than usual about now coming in a respectable (for them) 6th place. The Aiello’s who were first to the detour; pull in to the coveted third to last spot with the race for elimination being between the Linz and Black families.
They finish of course, around the same time, which suprisingly does not appear to be editing induced as there they are the Linz following the Black on the way the pitstop. Logic says you stay together and out sprint them to the mat, I mean geesh there’s two little kids, with little legs, and unless mom and dad pick them up (which will do nothing but slow them down) there is no way in hell they can outrun any one of the four of the Linz team right? So of course they decide to go their own way, after all who needs the safe bet when you can gamble the whole race on your ability to read a map better than the other team (guess they forgot about yesturday). Sadly, it doesn’t matter, they make it there ahead of them anyway, and the Black’s are eliminated. To bad, they seemed nice, too nice to have made it far, but nice anyways. At the mat Phil comforts, the kids look like someone shot their dog, and mom and dad wax on about how proud they are of their kids and how great an experience getting eliminated first was to them.
With means of course were done, well except for the previews, tune in next week to see...
the Paolo’s kill one another,
The dad girls carry their daddy (lierally),
and maybe they finally travel outside the US, looks like Iraq or possibly New Orleans based the body count.
BVM: Well that didn’t go so bad.
JB: I would have preferred some else got eliminated first, it looks bad we have no minorities left
BVM: It didn’t stop Survivor
JB: good point, but still if things start going south we might need to look into that shark thing again
BVM: I got the jacket...
if for some reason you are offended by any part of this summary, all I can say is, just be happy you didn't see the first draft