Have you ever seen the musical Oliver, based on the Dickens classic Oliver Twist? Remember poor waif-like Oliver, holding out his dish, asking for more gruel? It was horrible tasting slop, but that didn’t stop him from asking for more. And, like Oliver, I find myself looking for Mohr.
Last time on Last Comic Standing:
20 comics were stranded on a deserted island with nothing but a machete and a map. The survivors, I mean comics, quickly formed tribes, searched for food and found none. So Ant, who had already formed an alliance while they auditioned for the show, grabbed the machete and sacrificed Tess so that the rest would have sustenance and the strength to go on. No, wait, that’s not right.
20 comics were brought to a large apartment to live together. In the morning they received a piece of Tyra mail telling them to report for a photo shoot. The makeup people did everyone’s makeup then Jay told them to remove all their clothes and pose with each other. Eeewww, wait, that’s not right either.
20 comics were brought to a beautiful penthouse suite to live together. In the morning Donald Trump’s secretary called the penthouse and Sean Kent, kind of sleepy and in his underwear, answered the phone. He was told that everyone had 1 hour to get up, shower, eat breakfast, and get all the way across town for their assignment. The women all dressed up in their skimpiest outfits and the men dressed up in professional business suits. Their task was to sell Pokemon cards and the women won because they had sex with every little boy who bought cards from their team. Damn, that’s not right either. Where’s my Last Comic Standing tape from last night?
I have a confession to make before I get into this summary: I did not see the first season of Last Comic Standing. Which means that I am still in possession of my mental facilities (such that they are). I suspect that watching LCS1 was a real brain-drain. But after watching 3 episodes of LCS3, I can see that I really didn’t miss anything. I do wonder, though, how Dat Phan won LCS1. Did he perform some kind of Vulcan mind-meld on the viewing audience so that he would win? Did millions of women look at him and say, “He’s kind of hot in a short Mexicanese sort of a way. I think I’ll vote for him.”? Is this show rigged? No, couldn’t be. Reality TV shows are not rigged. That would be wrong. It would be unconscionable. Networks would never stoop that low, would they?
Estee hit the nail on the head last week when he said that, without the conflicts in the house, LCS sucks. I miss Todd singing “The Attention Song”. It’s funny, though, that seeing him sing that song is much more amusing to me than when my 10 Girl Scouts sing “I Know A Song That Gets on Everybody’s Nerves” about 100 times in my car when we’re driving somewhere. Usually a couple of rounds of that song will cause me to curse violently, making it necessary for me to write apology letters to the Girl Scout Council and all the girls’ parents promising that I will behave in a more appropriate manner. I can see how the other comics in the house found it annoying last season.
And it must have been a man who decided on this new format for LCS3. Only a man could think that 2 minutes is enough to satisfy the audience. 2 minutes isn’t even enough for foreplay. If my husband told me he was done after 2 minutes and expected applause, the fire department would have to use the jaws of life to remove my fingers from his neck after I got done strangling him.
The audience starts cheering like crazy and no one has started telling any jokes yet. Why are they applauding? Maybe they’re applauding because they’re polite people and were raised by parents who said, “Whenever you go to a show you should applaud for the performer when they get on stage.” Maybe they’re applauding in anticipation of a really funny set. Maybe they’re applauding because NBC has rigged their seats with electrodes that shock them if they don’t applaud like crazy. Whatever.
I want a job like that. I would be so much better at my job if everyone started cheering me as soon as I walked through the door. I wonder if they’ll be cheering after everyone's done. I know I’ll be cheering when the show is finished.
Oh, they're applauding because the show is about to start. A dramatic voice announces that $50,000 is about to be awarded to one of the houses. The comedians (and I use that word loosely) are grouped together on-stage, applauding for themselves (because no one else will).
Jay Mohr comes out on stage. With the strobe lights and jungle music. I feel like I’m at a Male Dance Review. Maybe Jay should be wearing a tear-away loin cloth. Eeww, maybe not.
Just when I thought he couldn’t make a bad haircut any worse – he did. He’s added a new dimension to the word “ugly” with those funky bangs tonight. He took a bad haircut and made it even worse. I didn’t think that was possible.
I finally figured out who he reminds me of with that new haircut of his – Calvin from the cartoon strip, Calvin & Hobbes. What do you think – can you see the resemblance? Calvin, however, was much funnier than Jay Mohr so that’s where the similarity ends. Maybe Jay can transmogrify himself into someone who’s actually funny. Maybe he needs a talking tiger as a sidekick.
Jay introduces the two seasons – Kathleen and Ant are in front. They look like a couple of hugging trolls. Jay gets right down to business. He announces that the team with the most votes is Season 2 again. (It didn't take Scooby Doo to figure out that one.) Season 1 looks like the losers that they are. Todd picks up Kathleen and has standing sex with her right on stage.
Jay announces the comics who had the lowest votes. Season 2 is Kathleen Madigan and Corey Holcolm. I hear someone go "Huh?" (Maybe that was my daughter – let me rewind the tape.) Season 2 is Sean Kent and Terry Joyce. And Jay Mohr, who apparently went to the Ryan Seacrest School of Broadcasting, says that he will reveal the results at the end of the show. Wow, that was a surprise! I didn’t see that coming at all! Oh.my.god! How will I ever make it to the end of the show? The suspense will kill me! Honey, get me my heart medicine!
Ant hugs Kathleen. Looks like he’s copping a feel but we know better. He’s probably trying to figure out how to make his ##### that yummy.
They show a bright red war room and suddenly I’m blinded. The comics will go there to decide who will perform tonight. As Jay takes us to a commercial he says “Seacrest Out!” and why not. If he's gonna rip off Ryan Seacrest, he might as well go all the way.
As the comics try to decide who will perform, Todd shows that he is the smartest one in the bunch. He gets it right away - if someone has the lowest number of votes, they don’t come back. Why would anyone want to perform? Alonzo doesn't seem worried. He said they always lose, we always win. Todd gives a big inspirational speech. You guys do it, not me.
Cut to the Season 1 comics – They have their hands in a circle, saying, "Here’s to another $50K we’re not gonna win." That’s the spirit, you losers.
Alonzo Bodin announces the Season 2 lineup:
Alonzo Bodin on cleanup
Tess from Season 1 announces their lineup (and Jay does a lame Rich Dawson impression)
Why should I even do this recap? Just looking at that lineup I know that Season 2 is going to win again. Well, at least we don't have to listen to Dat Phan complaining about racism again. Are people really that racist? I’ve never met any minority who’s experienced as much racism as Dat. Hey, Dat, maybe people aren’t racist. Maybe they just don’t like you.
This time the comics have 2-1/2 minutes to perform, then their mikes go dead – just like their jokes. I'm so glad they upped it by 30 seconds. Wow, 30 extra seconds. I'm still not feeling it.
Jay explains the voting procedures again. Apparently, he either thinks that A: new viewers are joining the show each week so he needs to explain the voting procedures to the noobies or B: the regular viewing audience consists of morons that need to be told week after week how to vote. Since I suspect that the viewing audience for this show is dropping each week, I vote for option B. I know I’m a moron for watching this show week after week. He says something about not using a CB or ham radio and that he does crystal meth and touches himself.
Mohr announces that the first two comics up, Alonzo Boddin and Ralphie May, will get drunk and wrestle in chocolate pudding. No? Well, they should. That would be funnier than what we’re about to see.
Alonzo Bodden - His set is about buying a car and insurance. Since I just bought a car recently I found his set very funny. I couldn't find anything bash-worthy. His best joke was that making claims is extremely difficult so he'd like to set his insurance company on fire just to see them try to make a claim. Alonzo set the stage on fire. Jay commented that Alonzo started out strong – boy is he right.
Ralphie May – He starts out thanking everyone who e-mailed letters of condolences (which instantly makes me feel a little guilty thinking he was pulling a Johnny Fairplay last week.). He talks about how he went to Canada and got hit on by a hooker (and my mind boggles). He says a hooker's got to want that money bad - and I guess she would have to want it really bad if she's coming up to Ralphie May.
The camera cuts to a woman in the audience who is hysterical with laughter. But there seems to be more hysteria than humor reflected in her face. I’m telling you, NBC must be using electrodes. And if they’re not, I hope no NBC execs are reading this summary. It might give them some ideas (which FOX will promptly steal and use before NBC so that it looks like NBC stole from FOX.)
Tammy Pescatelli – God her voice is so nasal, I get such a headache. I wonder if she’s related to Fran Drescher. She does a set on “What the hell is wrong with you” and beats it into the ground. I’d like to find whoever told Tammy that she could be a comic and say to them, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Tess – Lame jokes about hair regulation and dental plans from the government. She laughs at her own jokes too much. Too bad they’re not really funny. Between the laughing and the accent, I can’t understand ½ of what she says.
Gary Gulman – He has such a girly laugh. Someone in the audience brought him Oreos. Probably someone from Nabisco looking for a free plug. He’s very brave. He actually admits on TV that he lived at home until he was 26. That explains a lot about him.
Rob Cantrell – He tells us we should vote for him because he's broke. Wow, that’s a really compelling reason to vote for him. There were many screams of approval when he said pot should be legal. I guess I can see why. If pot were legal, more members of the home audience would be smoking it, and would vote for him.
Jay London - I thought Jay had a great set. I’m liking Jay more and more. I loved the joke about impotence, until I had to explain it to my 13-year-old daughter. Talk about uncomfortable.
Rich Vos – He starts out saying, “People are stupid.” Well, you should know Rich. The camera cuts to two kids laughing for him. I wasn’t laughing. I guess I’m too old to understand his jokes. He talks about frying hot pennies and throwing them on kids when he’s an old man. I’m really missing something – how is that funny? He starts another joke and makes a mistake. He mutters under his breath, “Screw up your own skit, stupid.” See, I told you that Rich knows about stupid. I could have sworn I heard him saying, “I stink” at the end of his set. If he did indeed say that, then I’d like to say, "Yes you do. That’s why Season 2 is kicking your collective asses."
Another reminder on how to vote, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Then comes the recap – which is supposed to highlight the best part of their set:
Alonzo: I'd like to burn down my insurance company to see them try to make a claim.
Ralphie May – Blacks are stealing his fat clothes.
Tammy – Donald Trump, what the hell is wrong with your hair.
Tess – Where's the free dental? There are people with teeth that look like someone set off a fire cracker in their mouth.
Gary – Star wars sheets - the force is not with you.
Rob Cantrell – How do you hustle house plants?
Jay – Law suit for impotency joke.
Rich – I hate Jared from Subway – I hope he gains his weight back. He lost 300 pounds - what were you eating before that? Cars?
We come back from commercial and Jay’s bangs are gone. He must have finally looked in the mirror. Finally, Jay announced which comics were fired, I mean voted out. Corey Holcolm from Season 2 (sorry to see you go, don’t let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out) and Terry Joyce from Season 1 (we’ll be seeing you starring next to Carrot Top in the next AT&T commercial).
Next time on Last Comic Standing: Oh, forget about it. I just don't have the energy.
Portions of this summary not affecting the outcome were pre-recorded.
Due to equipment failure in the Northeast, some viewers in that region were unable to vote on this summary. It has been determined that this equipment failure did not affect the summary in any significant manner.
Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004