LAST EDITED ON 08-05-04 AT 04:26 PM (EST)
The Final Six
Have I told you guys that my life is funny? Well, at least the car insurance people think so. They were laughing at a recent claim I made when they left a message on my answering machine. I guess they love their job, or they just realized the ridiculousness of the message and couldn't help but laugh before they got the whole sentence out. Or maybe they were just laughing nervously because by refusing my claim, they were letting their company off the hook. I really don't know, but I'm not laughing.
You see, I was at a local supermarket about 5 miles from my house one day when my grocery cart ran away from me. Well, it rolled downhill about 6 parking spaces and hit a car with a man sitting inside. It startled both me and the man, me because I had been busy trying to make sure my cantaloupe and watermelon were in a location in my car where they would not roll around too much, when I heard the bang. I think he was getting ready to pull out. Either that, or he waits on hilly parking lots for absent minded housewives to lose control of the grocery carts, hit him, and have a husband who is a stand up guy, wanting to pay the guy with the small dent in his car out of pocket, since the car insurance people denied the claim.
I would have been better off if I had hit him with my car, because then the insurance would pay for it.. Correct that, not hit him - hit his car with my car. I also think it would be cheaper to melt down gold bouillion and insert it into the dent. The impression left on his car is the size of a man's middle finger, so it couldn't take much gold to fill it right? The estimate is $834 and some chump change. I am so not laughing.
Well, I did laugh when it happened to Edith Bunker in the 70's sitcom, "All in the Family", but this is way different. There is no laugh track to help me laugh about this. Apparently insurance people don't need laugh tracks, though. The message they left on my answering machine said that "a shopping cart is not a vehicle. *snicker*."
Anyway, I have to dig out my homeowner's insurance now, not remembering if we got the $500 deductible or the $250. If they pay this claim at all, we still have to fork over the deductible. I'm hoping they don't think it's too funny. I know I don't.
Okay, enough about my funny stupid life, now on with the stupid summary. It's all about using filler in your summary to make it longer anyway. Just ask Landru.
So, last time the majority of the general populace that makes a point of voting for their favorite 4th guy from the left on the evolutionary chart decided to dial, text message, email, or vote online. If you have more than one email addy, you can vote for your caveman or comic 3 times per addy. So how many of you signed up for another email addy just so you could vote another 3 times?
The show starts with Jay Mohr coming out on stage to big applause. This is NBC's filler, along with the 20 minutes of so of commercials, which I won't bore you with.
Jay Mo: "Fantastic. You guys are the best! Oh, yeah! Woo! Welcome to Last Comic Standing everybody!"
He explains that each comic will have 4 minutes before their mike will be turned off. He explains the voting procedures again, and does the NetZero product placement again. I already have NetZero, and I'm not impressed.
Jay London is up first. He says he is "totally elated and taken aback by the embracement by the public. America - all I can say is 3 words - 4 words - thank you very much."
Among his one-liners, thank yous, and self deprecating remarks: "I told my therapist I was having dreams about nuclear explosions - he said 'Relax. It's not the end of the world.'" , "I got pulled over by the Coast Guard today for boating while intoxicated and they made me get out of the boat and walk on water."
Okay, so transcribing this whole mess is kind of tedious, so I'm using my Fast Forward (I'd rather be watching TAR right now, anyway) to get to the highlights from each comic's set that NBC will show at the end of the show. Sorry, but I'm feeling lazy today.
Jay London - "Pardon my appearance. I'm under renovation. This is death. Thank you. I know what you're thinking, Miss. Just another pretty face. May is mental health month but I got an extension. Do you get that?"
Moving on to the Seinfeld style of Gary Gulman, although I think Jerry has better timing. "I've always enjoyed milk. They advertise it a little too much, I think." Um, watching cartoons again, Gary?
"I saw 4 ads for milk last night. Why are their any ads for milk? Who are they targetting with this campaign?" Certainly not the lactose intolerant.
"People unaware of milk?" Or if you watch Amish in the City, vegetarians who think that cows are aliens and their milk is pus. Mmmmm chocolate cow pus is good when heated in the microwave. Then take a piece of buttered bread and dip it in.
"People sitting at home watching these commercials mesmerized? Oh, yeah. Oh, that would go good with a cookie."
I am imagining Seinfeld doing the same routine and I'm laughing. At Gary, not so much, but maybe the babe battalion out there will put him over the top.
John Heffron: "In every group of women, fellas, ther's one girl I like to call the 'we gotta go' girl. The 'we gotta go' girl is the one you need to be boozing up all night. The 'we gotta go' girl is the gate keeper." and when they have that pow wow in the bathroom to determine if you get laid or not, it is her voice that's gonna count."
Kathleen Madigan: "I think John Kerry could win if he would pull out his secret weapon. His secret weapon is his wife, Teresa Heinz, cause his wife is in charge of all the ketchup. If I was him, I wouldn't even campaign. I wouldn't do anything. I would just do one commercial and I would air it the day before the election. I would just come out and say, 'Hi. I'm John Kerry and I don't want to have to do this, but if you don't vote for me, I'm taking away all the ketchup.'"
Tammy Pescatelli: "This job lets me do things I've never done before. I've entertained the troops. I've done charity events for the Playboy Foundation. I don't know what their charity is - 13 year old boys who go blind from reading the magazine. I don't know."
"Guess who I saw at the party? Paris Hilton. I'm proud of her - breaking down barriers. Proof you don't have to be poor to be white trash. You know what I mean."
Alonzo Bodden: I'm sorry, dear readers, but I've run out of time, so I'll come back later to fill in his routine. I have to rush off to find some shopping cart insurance and a laugh track to go along with my life.
Oh, and I hope you voted for your favorite.
See ya for the finale.
Last Comic Standing 2 summary writer