LAST EDITED ON 06-22-05 AT 01:14 PM (EST)Plinky banjo music. Shots of cows. Line dancing. The obligatory “yee haw” shouted during the oh-so-stale “This is the true story…” rigmarole. And a truly frightening neon cowboy that looks like it should be killing children in the next Poltergeist movie. My TV Guide says it's time for the next installment of the Real World, but where in the world could the latest cast of this old reality warhorse be staying? No, don’t tell me! It’s Seattle! No? Sacramento? Providence? Ft. Lauderdale?
No, it’s Austin. If they just would have shown an oil derrick and a mechanical bull, I might have gotten it. Stereotypes aside, let’s meet the West Coast-heavy crew.
First up, Danny...
the latest hopeful to redeem his lovely hometown’s reputation that’s been so trashed by meatheads like CT. He’s excited about going somewhere he’s never been before. The saying goes that there's nothing in Austin but steers and queers, but sadly, Danny does not seem to fall in the latter category. Neither does anyone else. Bah. But he's hot. I'll give him a chance.
Next up is Rachel.
Now even if you watched the preview, you might not have realized that Rachel once served in Iraq. But, like fellow Iraq veteran Ron Young, she doesn’t like to talk about it. And she’s from California.
Then we meet Nehemiah.
Another Californian. But he wants to get out of California because people are always trying to steer him in to do the wrong thing. He picked going on the Real World because of the long-standing history that previous cast members have of making wise choices.
And here’s Johanna
Lima-born, but now living in, you guessed it, California. She’s was supposed to go get her masters in social work at Columbia, but deferred it to go to Austin. Is that one of those wise decisions you were talking about, Nehemiah? Let’s just hope that social work doesn’t have anything to do with substance abuse counseling. But more on that later.
Wes is next
and he might be described as Josh Hartnett dyed blond, beaten a few times with an ugly stick and totally stripped of all charm and intelligence. And seeing as Josh Hartnett is not known for his critical thinking skills, that's saying a lot. He’s from Kansas and is in terrible need of a good hairdresser. He also mentioned in the previews that he considers himself a stripper, which just passed up "Melanie Griffith in a Broadway musical" on the list of "Things I Never Want to See."
Now we’re introduced to a shy violet named Melinda.
Demure and sweet, the Milwaukee native is studying at a convent in France to work with starving orphans. And she has a boyfriend named Jason, who we’ll probably hear crying on the phone a few times and might even see for one heartbreaking visit. Run, Jason. Now.
Finally, we meet Lacey
...an Ohioan now living as a hairdresser in Florida. I wonder momentarily whether or not she’ll be able to do anything to help poor Wes, but then she says something about spitting in people’s hair and calling it a spa treatment. Well, for Wes, it couldn’t hurt. But later, we’ll find out that Lacey is a virgin who doesn’t dance or drink hard liquor, which means her screen time will consist of a few shocked reaction shots and maybe a condescending chat or two with the more, let’s say, deviant members of the cast. Remember that blond guy from New Orleans? No? My point exactly. Don’t get too attached to her.
Slowly, the cast members meet one another in the typical ho-hum fashion that has become a Real World staple. Everyone is so excited to see one another! All the roommates are so special in their own way! Fortunately, that never lasts long. I just took the time to enjoy the cameo from Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart as Danny’s cabbie. Boy, times get tough once the wrestling gig’s over. Hear that, Mike from Real World New York?
I must point out, however, the extremely poor skills this cast has regarding snap judgments. Rachel thinks Nehemiah was “looking the total picture of black power.” Why? Because he had on a few beads and a shirt that said something about Ethiopia? Good grief. You’d a thought he was wearing a Kente and shouting about Plymouth Rock falling on him. (I always wondered – was Malcolm X a fan of the musical “Anything Goes”?) Danny thinks Melinda is the “all-American girl.” Umm, maybe he meant a “will-do-any-American” girl. Wes makes the only on-target assessment, astutely figuring out that Danny is from
Boston. Well, actually, the scribbly Chiron when we first met Danny said he lived a few miles outside of Boston. But for a Kansas boy, not bad.
So now it’s time to mingle. Yada yada hot tub yada yada pick the bedrooms yada yada a few glasses of wine. Yes, I realized two girls (Melinda and Rachel) kissed at some point. Yawn. The whole faux-lesbian thing is so 2003 – even though by the shocked look on Wes’ face, you’d have thought someone was actually interested in him.
Speaking of which, Wes and Danny make some asinine bet about being the first to hook-up with someone else in the house or a hot University of Texas girl. I didn’t exactly understand the terms, but I’ll bet the nerdy girl ends up winning when Freddy Prinze Jr. discovers her inner beauty even though she took the football captain to the prom.
But things aren’t looking good for Wes in that regard. Johanna and Melinda both are attracted to Danny, and Rachel turns down a marriage proposal from Wes – wisely pointing out that he’s everything she’s not attracted to in a guy. That leaves Lacey – the one who doesn’t like to dance because: “I think it’s just an excuse for people to rub on each other, and that weirds me out.” I think you have a better chance with Nehemiah, dood.
Zzzzz. These guys have read their script. They know what the first day is supposed to look like. Johanna is worried because she kissed Danny and it will harm their ability to get to know each other. Melinda's torn whether to stay true to Jason (I've already read the book -- she doesn't). I was about to write this series off as another Back-to-New-York snoozefest. Thankfully, old Mr. Alcohol really steps up his acting skills.
Nehemiah, you see, had been earning points toward “most decent roommate” status by promising Johanna that he would watch out for her. Johanna, it seems, has a little problem with alcohol. Ruthie-level problems, in fact. So, by the time Johanna gets enough liquor in her to begin dancing on tables, Nehemiah – as biblically nice as his name – decides it’s time to rein her in. She responds by screaming at him, clawing at him and somehow ripping off his shirt (What is this – “Days of our Lives”?). Nehemiah’s had enough and decides to go home. And this is the guy who’s supposed to make the bad decisions?
Johanna is left at the bar blathering something about Nehemiah getting into a fight with someone else. So it’s Wes and Danny to the rescue – wisely running through the streets of Austin screaming to passers-by “Where did the black guy go?” Because, you see, Nehemiah is obviously the only black guy to visit Austin. Ever. Well, except for that time that Lionel Richie played a concert there.
At any rate, someone is not amazed by their power of description and picks a fight. We aren't really shown what happens in the fight, but there's a lot of pushing and screaming and blurry faced people. And it’s too bad, because one of the scrappers and Wes could have been the perfect compadres under different circumstances, considering he had the Jeff Daniels ‘do from “Dumb and Dumber.”
After some amazing, Matrix-like camera work, Danny takes a hard blow to the face. He stumbles around dazed as his roommates explain away the situation to police. Once back home, Danny is furious to find Nehemiah there after he had “stood up” for him. Nehemiah, like Lacey, has the misfortune of being sober, so he has no idea what’s going on. He and a somewhat-more-sober Johanna have it out, and he begins to regret his agreement to watch over her. C’mon! Now they’re ripping off “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” You know, the one where Will watched over the snotty girl who turned out to be a hell-raiser, but everybody thought it was Will being the bad influence? I guess this is when people stop being polite and start being bad sitcom cliches.
Danny, in the meantime, is not getting any better, so Nurse Rachel (she was a nurse in Iraq, but she doesn’t like to talk about it) insists he go to the hospital. Looking at an unnecessarily excessive amount of X-rays, Dr. Shepler, obviously angling for his own Discovery Channel series, explains something about a bone in his skull rotating, something that could cause blindness and require surgery to repair. This marks the first time someone ended up in the hospital by the first episode of the Real World, er, not counting that alcohol-poisoning stuff.
And hey, this is Austin! Why didn't they go see Dr. Red Duke?
But it's a dramatic cliffhanger for our season opener, so we end with that slam poetry view of the whole rest of the season.
Drunks…hospitals…fights in the streets…a dad who’s lying…Costa Rica…and someone says Rachel isn’t a real soldier.
Then season after season after season of inferno challenges.
Email this topic to a friend
Printer-friendly version of this topic
Bookmark this topic (Registered users only)
