“Snow White and the Seven (Media) Ho’s”
Gather around children, I’m going to tell you a little story. This story takes place in a faraway place called Reality TV Land, where the beautiful Snow White is hoping to find her Prince, with the help of her two harpy friends, Witch Laura and Witch Kim. The host of this land, Brian the Huntsman, (who happens to have the goofiest hair I’ve ever seen), introduces the group of Ho’s vying for Snow White’s hand in marriage (not to mention her million dollar dowry).
Here they are …..
Baby Dom (Dominic)
Paul …. Woah! Stop the storytelling! There are 7 Ho’s in the story, not 8. Sorry Paul, you gotta go. Bye-Bye.
Music begins and the ho’s start singing …..
Heigh ho, heigh ho,
We’re a bunch of media ho’s
We’ll tell our lies,
For the million prize,
Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh ho,
Heigh ho, heigh ho,
We love being on this show,
We’ll sing and dance,
And fake romance,
Heigh ho, heigh ho, heigh hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Now, on to the story ....
HOME OF THE HO’S
We finally get to see the bachelor pad where the Ho’s are living together, and it is infested with ants. It’s no wonder, because the place looked like a real mess. Better get Snow White in there quick to clean the place up. We discover that some of the Ho’s think Bashful might not be so bashful. Dopey calls him a “Jekyl and Hyde” and Baby Dom says that Bashful and Snow White shouldn’t be together. Huh? What are we not seeing?
As mentioned above, there can only be 7 Ho’s in this chapter of the story, so Paul got the shaft and had to leave. He was clearly stunned, as were Snow White and the two Witches. Now, I can understand Snow White being a bit surprised, but the two Witches? For the past weeks, they’ve continually knocked Paul down, saying he’s there only to promote his play and always saying that there is no connection between him and Snow White. Now, all of a sudden, they say there’s a connection? Huh? Personally, I found Paul boring so I’m not sad to see him gone.
This week, the Ho’s have to interact with four kids (ages 5 to 13) on their dates with Snow White.
DATE #1 – BABY DOM (Dominic)
Baby Dom had the kids lie down on sheets of paper and trace their bodies, which turned out to be tougher than he thought. Kids being kids, they soon got out of control. When Snow White showed up, they had her lie down so they could trace her body. Everyone, including the kids, thought Baby Dom would not make a good dad. Witch Laura said that the kids need someone they can look up to, not someone they can relate to. Witch Kim reminded Baby Dom that he himself said that he’s not ready to have kids. Baby Dom’s comment: “They’re not my kids”. Sorry Baby Dom … wrong answer. Despite all that, the audience still likes this guy. I think he’s cute but too young.
DATE #2 - HAPPY (Evan)
Happy teaches the kids karate (even though he doesn’t know karate). He does a decent job and wins them over by making it fun. Snow White showed up looking cute in her Ninja outfit, and was cheered by all when she punched apart a paper towel. Sly Happy tells the kids there’s a spider on the wall, and as they look away, he steals a kiss from Snow White. Witch Kim likes him more each time but tells him he’s faking everything he does (ice-skating and karate). Will the real Happy please stand up? Everyone was charmed by Happy and Snow White begged the voters of America to vote for Happy because he is one of her favorites. For some reason, I don’t like this guy. Maybe it’s because he looks too much like a surfer dude.
DATE #3: FLASHY (Joe)
Flashy has his kids pretend he and Snow White are their parents. He gave them all new names and handed out wads of cash. Snow White shows up, and they all play pretend family and enjoy themselves. Everyone seems charmed by Flashy, however, they all call him out for giving the kids the money. Witch Laura says that you should let the kids earn the money and Witch Kim tells him that he’s crossing the line from being generous to flashy/gaudy. Flashy says he was just having fun with the money thing. Snow White says they had fun together but that they’ll have to talk about the “money thing”. Personally, this guy does not charm me at all. On every date so far, there has been a money issue. This guy likes to have money and spend money. He wants the million dollars.
DATE #4: CREEPY (Robert)
Creepy hoped to have the kids help him get his first kiss from Snow White. Creepy’s plan involved having the kids use puppets to show him and Snow White going out on a date. I got a little nervous watching this because, knowing Creepy, I was sure I’d see the puppets doing the horizontal bop or sniffing panties. To my relief, they didn’t, and Snow White enjoyed the show. Of course, we can’t have a Creepy Date without him doing something awkward and sleazy. Snow White was then instructed to copy all of Creepy’s movements. Creepy then made a series of moves designed to bring the two of them together for a big kiss. (He really looked like a jerk). In the end, all he got from Snow White was a kiss on the cheek. They all then enjoyed themselves by beating up Creepy with pillows. If I had been there, I would have been beating him with pieces of wood from the puppet stand.
Every week, I anticipate Witch Laura’s comments for Creepy and again, I’m not disappointed. She tells him that his date was "The most inappropriate, uncomfortable, inexcusable date ever! You don't force someone to kiss you, especially in front of a group of 8-year-olds." Witch Kimberly tells him, "Congratulations, Creepy. You just won the prize for the creepiest date ever!" I sit watching this, cackling with glee.
Creepy still has absolutely no clue and tells Snow White, "You told me your biggest desire is to have a family on your own. And I feel the same." Witch Laura then interrupts him and says, "When you went to kiss her, she looked like she was gonna regurgitate in your mouth.” Brian the Huntsman gives us the best line of the night when he says to Witch Laura “You don’t have to be a complete b!tch every time you speak”. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Snow White agrees that it was inappropriate to trap her into a kiss in front of the kids and tells Creepy, "You're following Scott down the creepy road into forcing chemistry that isn't there." I’m in pain whenever I watch this guy. Part of me feels sorry for him, part of me is totally creeped out by him.
DATE #5: Dopey (Renda)
Dopey had everyone do finger and face-painting. They all had a good time and the kids liked him. Witch Laura still wonders about his stability. (So do I). Witch Kim is beginning to like him and feels that he should be here next week because he’s so much better than a few of the other Ho’s. Snow White tells Dopey that the dates with him keep getting better and begged America to vote for him. I really, really don’t like this guy. I think it’s his hair.
DATE #6: Wacky (Ken)
What was this guy thinking? Wacky had the kids whip him into shape. The kids were dressed in referee uniforms and they hit him with water bottles then blew whistles and yelled at him through bullhorns to do push-ups. There was absolutely no interaction between him and the kids. When Snow White showed up, she stood around, with nothing to do, watching the kids yelling and fighting.
Witch Laura thought the whole thing was disturbing and that he doesn’t understand kids. Witch Kim tells Wacky, "You don't get to know anyone. You're self-absorbed. I don't think you'd make a good father, and I don't think you should be standing right there." Wacky then says he know’s how to be a disciplinarian and shouts at Witch Kim, "Kimberly, stop pulling your sister's hair!" HUH? This guy is totally WACKO!!!! Snow White didn’t understand what point he was trying to make having the kids be violent with him. This guy is gonna get the shaft next I’m sure.
DATE #7: BASHFUL (Hank)
Bashful handed out language books to his kids so that each kid could learn a sentence in a different language for Snow White. However, Bashful didn't know any of the languages he was trying to teach, so he went to plan B when Snow White showed up, which was to sit and talk with the kids. The kids thought Bashful was nice, funny and would make a great dad.
Both Witches liked him. Witch Laura congratulated him on quickly coming up with a new plan saying "That's so important for a parent. Who wouldn't want you for a dad?" Witch Kim told him, "When you are yourself, you win everyone over." Snow White told Bashful not to worry, that she would do the kid’s French homework then told him she is definitely taken with him. I still like Bashful the best. However, I’m anxious to see why the other ho’s call him Jekyl & Hyde.
With the dates over, Brian the Huntsman again explains how the voting works, then gives the numbers for each Ho.
Audience reaction as each Ho’s number is shown:
Baby Dom (Dom) - Not much reaction (surprisingly)
Happy (Evan) - Big cheers
Flashy (Joe) - Small reaction
Creepy (Rob) - No reaction (not surprisingly)
Dopey (Renda) - Big cheers
Wacky (Ken) - No reaction
Bashful (Hank) - Big cheers
The witches are then asked their opinions. Not surprisingly, Witch Laura tells America to not vote for Creepy because he’s a perv. Witch Kim tells America to not vote for Wacky because he’s not the guy for Snow White.
And that’s the end of this week’s story kiddos. Tune in next Tuesday at 9 pm ET to see who gets the shaft.
Music begins and spotlight is on Snow White as she sings...
One day my prince will come,
Till then, I’ll date these bums,
Cause if I want a million bucks,
I’m stuck marrying one of these schmucks