Cupid, Episode 5 - "Ten Little Indians"
*takes a puff from the peace pipe and begins singing*
1 little, 2 little, 3 little media ho's
4 little, 5 little, 6 little greedy bro's
7 little, 8 little, 9 little creepy shmo's
10 little devious pro's ....
I think host Brian (Chief Wanna-be-a-star) McFayden is on the wrong show. Someone get him over to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy! Even my DH noticed his bad suit and WTF is up with his hair? Last week he had this long strand of hair hanging off the side of his face now this week he's all gelled up with two little pieces of spiked hair on top. Must be a gradual transition to a full Mohawk hairstyle.
Now, I'm a really shy person, so I cringe every time I watch these ho's sitting up on stage having their dates viewed by national TV. Not only that, they then get dumped on national TV. Oh, who do I think I'm kidding. Squirm baby, squirm!
Chief Wanna-be-a-star McFayden introduces the 10 little media ho's, who are sitting on stage holding arrows in their laps. All at once, they raise their arrows and hurl them at Laura's heart. Ok, that was wishful thinking on my part.
Squaw Lisa (Dances with Wolves) Shannon, is welcomed back and gives Chief Wanna-be-a-star McFayden a raspberry-flavored kiss on the lips. Did he look surprised or what? He then introduces the two harpies, Squaw Laura (Sits With a Fist) and Squaw Kim (Sits Looking P!ssed).
*takes a quick puff from the peace pipe and begins to sing again*
Up on the podium, in a little studio
Sit 2 little harpies, are they friend or foe?
"Come on" said one harpie, "let's see who we can skewer",
And they bitched, and they harped, to the joy of, us, the viewer
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
And they bitched, and they harped, 'till the men said "screw you"!
"Stop", said the media ho,
"I want a man to wed"
The two little harpies, laughed at her instead
And the two little harpies, went off with reckless glee
And they bitched, and they harped, 'till the men began to plea.
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
And they bitched, and they harped, 'till the men were bid adieu.
"Whee!" yelled the little harpies,
"That was loads of fun.
We hurled our insults, and now they're all gone"
Our poor little media ho, they've left her all alone
Her dreams of winning a million, are now completely blown.
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Boop boop dit-tem dat-tem what-tem Chu!
Enough with silly rhymes - let's get on with the review!
Next up, the guy with the lowest score gets the shaft. Does anyone else think it would be funny it they have a Cupid 2 with women. I'd love to be the host telling them they are going to get the shaft.
Rob, (Dances with Losers) and Ken (Dances with Snoozers), are the two with the lowest scores and join Chief Wanna-be-a-star McFayden. The lights are dimmed, the tension mounts, and we see Rob look back at the other guys and mouth "I'm gone". He must have looked at the card and seen his name or he just knows he's a loser. Either way, he's the first guy to get the shaft on national TV. In a daze, he walks over and gives Dances with Wolves a hug. Awwwwwwwwwww.
Next, we see each ho take Dances with Wolves out on a date and show her their hobbies. *yawn* I'm slightly disappointed with the format of this show. I'd love to see some of the interaction of the guys together, when Dances with Wolves isn't around. Then again, after seeing the guys on Bachelor acting like a group of drunk college students, maybe it's best we see only the dates.
DATE #1 - Joe (WannaWigWam), age 25, Real Estate Developer, Elmwood Park Il
Joe (WannaWigWam) took Dances with Wolves dream wig-wam hunting. In the first wig-wam, they snuggled on a sofa together in a screening room. They then viewed a $22 million wig-wam with an indoor pool and bowling alley. After walking in through the 20-foot front door, WannaWigWam looks around and says "the furniture is too tall". That did it for me. I will forever have this vision of him sitting in a chair that's too big and his feet won't be able to reach the floor.
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: She adores him & thinks he's a take-charge guy.
Sits Looking P!ssed: She likes him.
WannaWigWam: Initially at a loss for words then says that he hopes they can one day take their papooses wig-wam hunting.
Dances With Wolves: She had a great time.
Audience: Loved him.
Me: This guy cheats last week with the money then he takes her to million dollar homes. I think he's too concerned with money.
COMMERCIAL: We are told to go online for a chance to date a Cupid finalist. HUH? These guys are the rejected losers! Why would I want to date any of them?
DATE #2 - Evan (Sitting Bullsh!t), age 25, Volleyball coach from L.A.
Evan (Sitting Bullsh!t) takes Dances with Wolves ice-skating. He gives Dances with Wolves oven mitts to keep her hands warm. WARNING! WARNING! Man who give squaw oven mitts wants dinner cooked! They traded childhood stories, then she later sat in his lap while he nuzzled her neck. *barf*
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: She was impressed with him this time.
Sits Looking P!ssed: Says she might have been wrong about him.
Sitting Bullsh!t: Brought a voodoo doll of him for Sits Looking P!ssed. Hand it to me. I'll use it.
Dances With Wolves: She thinks opposites really do attract.
Audience: They love him.
Me: There's something about this guy I just don't like. Too blond, too smiley, too smarmy. I still can't get over the fact that he wanted Sits With a Fist and Sits Looking Pissed to sit in his lap.
DATE #3 - Renda (The Big Papoose), age 24, Poet/Street Hustler from Queens NY.
First of all, what's up with his hair? Someone please get the machete and give him a little trim.
Renda (The Big Papoose) takes Dances With Wolves to the park for some poetry reading/writing. The Big Papoose is really impressed with her poetry and asks if he can be her manager. WARNING! WARNING! Man wanting to manage squaw's career wants her money. They then place their poetry into a container attached to balloons and release it to the world. This time, instead of a "Zerbert", he gives her an Eskimo kiss. The Big Papoose needs to grow up. How about giving her a real nice Roto Rooter Kiss. Ugh! *takes another puff from the peace pipe*. The Big Papoose then claims that his date went "according to plan". Huh? His plan is to win her over by acting like a 2-yr. old?
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: Was pleased to see his romantic side but wants to know if next week it'll be a Butterfly Kiss.
Sits Looking P!ssed: Doesn't think there's a connection.
The Big Papoose: His actual words: "If there's a connection festering, then let it fester. If not, then one of the other guys deserves it." Now, it concerns me that he uses the term "festering". Here's the Webster's definition of fester: "a suppurating sore - pustule"; "to generate pus"; "putrefy, rot"; "to cause increasing poisoning"; "irritation or bitterness"; "to exist in a state of progressive deterioration". Ahhhhhhhh that's amore LOL
Dances With Wolves: She likes that he's a creative guy and tells him not to listen to Sits Looking P!ssed.
Me: He's a street hustler. 'Nuff said.
Time out while I wave to Fester *waves*. Don't take Webster's definition to heart
DATE #4 - Robert (Raps With the Buffalo), age 33, Fitness Model, L.A.
Robert (Raps With the Buffalo) took Dances With Wolves bowling because it reminds him of the game of Skittles. Striking out with bowling, Raps With the Buffalo decides to serenade Dances With Wolves with a ballad/rap song. "It's so nice, it's so right, we gonna be together tonight. Oh, Oh, Lisa Shannon". Dances With Wolves is definitely not bowled over. Raps With the Buffalo actually thinks she liked the song.
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: She's on the warpath now. Fingering the scalps on her necklace, with a gleam in her eye, she tells him that she despises him and is embarrassed to be in the same country as him, let alone the same room. OUCH! A bit harsh and the audience thinks so too. She turns to the audience and warns America that if they vote for him, "I'll hunt you each down one by one." Again, she lovingly strokes the scalps on her necklace.
Sits Looking P!ssed: She tells him "I think you're completely nuts. And I don't mean that in a good way."
Raps With the Buffalo: Sputtering and blabbing, I can't understand a word he is saying, then Chief Wanna-be-a-star McFayden cuts him off. Nice job Chief.
Dances With Wolves: Tells Sits With a Fist that she's rude but tells Raps With the Buffalo "I think that you need to find out more about me before you proclaim your love for me. I'm not Oprah Winfrey. I can't interview you all the time." Huh?
Me: This guy is painful to watch. Poor sap.
DATE #5 - Hank (Stands With a Woody), age 25, Options Trader from Chicago
Hank (Stands With a Woody) takes Dances With Wolves fishing. Dances With Wolves sure is talented and catches some fish. She says "It's no fun if there's no blood." Sounds like something Sits With a Fist would say. Later, when going to pay for their lunch, Stands With a Woody asked Dances With Wolves to reach in his pocket for his wallet. "Oh, that old trick?" she says (wink wink nudge nudge). She then puts the wallet back in his pocket and we see a huge smile on his face. Stands With a Woody doesn't seem so innocent after all. Once again, Dances With Wolves leaves without a kiss.
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: She tells him, "You're so laid back, you're almost horizontal". She still loves him though.
Sits Looking P!ssed: She tells him if he doesn't kiss Dances With Wolves, he's going to lose her.
Stands With a Woody: Tells them that he and Dances With Wolves have a trick up their sleeves and we'll have to wait and see.
Dances With Wolves: Asks him, "You offering right now?" He looks all surprised and she calls him over and they finally smooch, to the delight of the two harpies, the audience and everyone watching on network tv. Come on now …Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!!
Me: Love this man.
DATE #6 - Scott (Wannaporkher), age 31, Corporate Strategist, New York NY
Scott (Wannaporkher), takes her on a studio lot for a Hollywood picnic. Since he's not able to get passes to get inside the studio, they end up having to picnic outside in the parking lot, beside a dumpster, in the hot sun. Ok, maybe the last two aren't true, but it looked pretty bad to me. He's a movie geek and had picnic items that related to certain movies, such as a deli spread from "When Harry Met Sally". I couldn't believe my ears when he asked her if she would later reenact the orgasm scene from that movie. Then he asks her who taught her how to kiss and says they'll find out how good she is later. She says he is presumptuous. I say he's a dirty sleaze bag. Ugh *takes several puffs from the peace pipe* With all his dirty talk, he tells her if he doesn't get to kiss her right away, his head's going to explode. Ewwwwwwwwwwww! Dances With Wolves laughs and declines his offer (You go girl!).
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: Tells him it was a clever date but that Dances With Wolves is not attracted to him.
Sits Looking P!ssed: Thinks he would make a great boyfriend, and a great husband, but not for Dances With Wolves.
Wannaporkher: Says he likes to take things slowly in his relationship. WTF? That was slow?
Dances With Wolves: Tells him he's way too forceful. (smart girl).
Audience: Sounds like they were booing him (smart audience).
Me: Ewwwwwww Ewwwwwwww Ewwwwwwww.
DATE #7 - Ken (Dances with Snoozers), age 28, Options Trader from Chicago
Ken (Dances with Snoozers) takes her to the beach to play volleyball. *yawn* That didn't last long, so they sat for a while and talked. Get-to-know-you kind of talk right? NOOOOOOOOOO!!! He starts yapping about mathematical discrepancies in the stock market. What a snoozefest. I think I saw Dances With Wolves digging a hole in the sand to bury herself in. They decided to go for a walk, stopped to stare at the ocean, and she leaned against him and he put his arms around her and talked about COMPUTERS. Where's the goofy side he claims to have?
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: Tells him that maybe he's just boring. (Yup).
Sits Looking P!ssed: Doesn't think he's the right guy for Dances With Wolves. (Yup).
Dances With Snoozers: His words: "I cannot buy a friggin' break! I just dodged a bullet, and I'm in front of the firing squad again." (Yup Yup). The arrow is pointing at you again my man.
Dances With Wolves: Tells him to relax a little more and thinks there's something there. Oh boy, and she said all that without cracking a smile.
Me: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
DATE #8 - Paul (Geronimo), age 32, Playwright/Professor from New York, NY
Paul (Geronimo) takes Dances With Wolves horseback riding. She tells him she loves NY and would love to live there. (Hmmmmm that doesn't bode well for Hank who wants to move South). She can't get her horse moving so Geronimo gets closer and whips the horse's butt. OUCHIE!!! Anyhoo, they go riding then stop at the stables to watch the horses. They snuggle, he whispers sweet nothings into her ears, yada yada yada and end the date with a kiss. *yawn*
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: She doesn't trust him.
Sits Looking P!ssed: Says the date was super-romantic. HUH?
Geronimo: Honored they are giving him a chance.
Dances With Wolves: Likes him.
Me: This guy does nothing for me. *yawn*
DATE #9 - Dominic (Tonto 007), age 22, recent college grad & bartender from Chicago
Dominic (Tonto 007) takes Dances With Wolves to a bar and teaches her how to make a martini. Of course, he hugs her from behind to help her shake things up. They then sit down in the lounge and talk about their attraction for each other. Back to the bar to shake up another drink. I think Tonto 007 just wanted to check out her "wrist action". He tells her that if she likes this drink, she'll have to kiss him. Quicker than you can say "I'm a horn-dog", Dances With Wolves downs the drink in one gulp and loved it. Tonto 007 takes her in his arms and they have several passionate kisses. Phew … is it hot in here? *takes several puffs from the peace pipe*
Judgements:
Sits With a Fist: She's blushing and fanning herself. She's all hot and bothered and loving it.
Sits Looking P!ssed: Says she'd rather see him with Dances With Wolves than a lot of the other guys there.
Tonto 007: Defends his youth and pleads with America to help him out.
Dances With Wolves: Says he needs no help and that he's a man's man. Their date should lay to rest any doubt about his manhood. Huh? Was she reaching for his wallet also?
Me: He's cute. Now that I think about it, he looks like Ricky Martin. Come on boy, shake your bon-bon!
The voting is then explained by Chief Wanna-be-a-star McFayden and they show each guy's number. I noticed Hank (Stands With a Woody) got big cheers from the audience and Scott (Wannaporkher) was boo'd. You could hear a pin drop in the audience when they showed Ken's (Stands With Snoozers) number. Dominic (Tonto 007) got the biggest cheers from the audience.
The guys were then asked to vote on which one should go. Last week they all voted for Robert (Raps With the Buffalo) to go. This week the votes were all over the place. I guess Raps With the Buffalo threatened to rap for them if they all voted for him again. Tune in next Tuesday at 9PM ET/PT to find out who gets the shaft.
*tags Swami...you're up next girl*