Amanda: Hello, guests. The Parasite Hotel show seems to be in a dull downward spiral, and the only drama is coming from the producers who are throwing wild promises at FOX like an over-extended gambler on crystal meth pleading with his bookie for more credit. Still, I’m supposed to tell you that it’s been an interesting week . . . and pray that the Emmy nominating committee sees how I’m trying to create some excitement during my limited screen time. (BEAT) Scott, come stand next to me.
(SCOTT WALKS OVER TO AMANDA’S SIDE.)
Amanda (CONTINUED): Scott, this week you’ve won immunity. However, it seems that the word “immunity” has been copyrighted by some reality show that strands its contestants on a primitive island without room service or an open bar. So I have to use the much more awkward phrase, “spared from elimination” to describe how we have “jury-rigged” this part of the game. (FLUSTERED) Did I just say “jury”? I must have that other show on my mind for some reason.
Scott: I really appreciate –
Amanda (INTERRUPTING HIM): Right. Anyway, we’re going to use this predictable format where each of the ladies names the one man she wants to send home. Then there’s this long pause when we come back from commercial. I repeat everything I said two minutes earlier, and then Tara names Alex as the latest escapee, uhhm, I mean person forced to leave Parasite Hotel.
(DISSOLVE TO ALEX AFTER TARA NAMES HIM AND BREAKS THE 2-2 TIE.)
Alex: Charla’s nice and everything, but she’s not as innocent as she looks.
Charla (OUTRAGED): Me? Not innocent? Three jury trials and no convictions, pal. You don’t get much more innocent than that.
Alex: Holly’s nice and I almost had a three-way with her and Tara before Scott showed up, so it was fun meeting her. And I’m going to skip over Desiree because there are no Black people in Arizona and I don’t know what I could say about her that won’t get me in trouble with somebody.
Desiree: You got that right.
Alex: Amy’s one of the Originals and I said I’d vote for the Originals even if I was the last one left, so as stupid as that sounds, I have to like her. Besides, she seems to have found the right mix for her Valium, Percocet, Darvon and the alcohol. I mean, she hasn’t gone psycho on anyone but Keith for a couple of days now.
(CLOSEUP OF AMY AS SEVERAL MEXICAN MONARCH BUTTERFLIES SWOOP IN, TRYING TO MATE WITH HER GARISH BLUE EYESHADOW. HER HANDS AND ARMS ARE A BLUR AS SHE FRANTICALLY SWATS AT HER OWN FACE.)
Alex (CONTINUED): What can I say about Tara? Besides being easier than fooling Zack with “52 pickup” more than a dozen times, she’s real nice. And by “nice”, I mean easy.
Tara: All I did was lick whipped cream off your chest, let you grab my a$$ on national TV, and installed a “Take A Number” machine over my bed. You have a lot of nerve calling me easy.
Amanda: Alex, what are you going to miss the most when you leave Parasite Hotel?
Alex: I’m going to miss having the freedom to eat, swim, and drink whenever I want. And I’m really going to miss the opportunity to sleep with all of the girls here on a regular basis. (PAUSE) But according to the hotel doctor, I shouldn’t miss taking my antibiotic shots twice a day. One of these girls gave me a really nasty rash.
ALEX TURNS, WAVES GOODBYE AND EXITS PARADISE HOTEL “FOREVER”, WHICH FOX HAS DEFINED AS A TIME PERIOD RANGING FROM ONE DAY TO TWO WEEKS.