****The Official Joe Millionaire Episode 2 Summary – The “Getting Dirty” Dozen****
The producers must think the audience is as stupid as the people on the show are as we have to endure a 4 minute introduction. Evan is a dirt digger (wannabe model, wannabe actor) who makes $19,000 a year but the 20 women (wannabe gold diggers) invited to France to meet him all think he is worth $50 million. Its one man trying to figure out who he wants to bag while pretending he is interested in their personalities, and 20 women pretending they are interested in his personality instead of his money. What fun! This is like Elimidate on steroids. All the woman are gushing about Evan(‘s wallet) while he is struggling with having to lie to all these women. And like all men, I am sure that Evan has never before lied to a woman before to get her to try and sleep with him.
So after the introduction we get an additional recap of the first episode. More clips of “I’m not a gold digger but I really like the fact that he has money!” Evan has met the 20 women and already tossed aside 8. He gave the remaining 12 pearl necklaces *snicker* to signify that they have made it to the next round. The 12 remaining are:
Their pictures can be found here: http://www.realitytvworld.com/index/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=792
Now we finally come to the best part of the show: Paul Hogan the Butler sitting by the fireplace. I refuse to take the easy Crocodile Dundee jokes - however I will say that with that hairline he must be related to this guy:
Next is a totally contrived scene of Evan having to trade in his ratty plaid work clothes for his millionaire duds. As if last week’s dancing lessons and wine quiz (salmon is a fish?) didn’t make Evan look dumb enough! Just remember kids, good looks fade with time but stupidity lasts forever. So after we find out that Evan can’t dress himself, Paul the Butler informs the ladies over breakfast that they will be going on a group date with Evan - there will be 4 women going on each date.
The Vineyard Date
The first flock of 4 consists of Dana, Melissa, Sarah and Brandy and the five of them are off. Evan tells us in a voiceover that he has some work for them as he wants to see who can handle a situation where the going gets tough as his life isn’t full of many comforts. Translation: I have no furniture.
It is a cold and rainy morning, and once they arrive at the vineyard the women are instructed to pick grapes that are used to make wine. Is this something you really need to know if they can do Evan? Or are you simply trying to determine which one of them can handle small round objects the best. Too bad there aren’t any banana trees in France.
Brandy does her best to make the best of the situation by remaining upbeat. Sarah states that she is trying to portray an image of being not high maintenance which Evan reacts to by saying she is like Martha Stewart and too uptight and not the kind of girl he would normally go out with. He describes Melissa as spunky and teases her about her Princess Leia hairdo. Let me tell you, Melissa is no Princess Leia! She admitted that she isn’t an outdoorsy person and it shows. If anyone is being the princess it is Dana who seems to do more sauntering then grape picking. There must have been some dirty looks tossed her way as Evan tells us that the others appeared to be jealous of her looks.
I sure hope these four got to drink some wine because if not they got ripped off! At least the others got some leisure time on their dates which we find out about after the.....
The Train Ride Date
Time for the second date with this one including Katie, Mojo, Amanda and Mandy. This date involves a train ride through the French countryside on a steam locomotive and apparently the women needed to shovel some coal into the engine to get the train started. I guess tossing a few briquettes into the fire on a train is the equivalent of turning the key on a car. Who knew? The women don’t look too impressed and Evan goes on again about his non-glamorous life. Translation: I use plastic cutlery.
So one-by-one the women get up on the train and shovel a few bricks of coal at a time into the engine while the others touch up their make-up on the platform. They all comment on how dirty and hot and sweaty it was. Only the show’s editors know what activity they were really referring to with those comments.
So now we get an actual train ride where the five of them can talk. Actually, it is more like Mojo talking to Evan and the other three watching. Katie, Amanda and Mandy complain in their confessions that Mojo talked too much - but c’mon ladies jump in there! This isn’t Monopoly where you each take turns! Evan does what he does best, smiles and nods his head without saying much.
The Horseback Riding Date
The final date consists of Heidi, Alison, Dayana and Zora and this date begins with the women having to clean a horse stall as their token act of showing they can work for a living. Evan tells us again about his lacking lifestyle and that he has to work for everything that he has. Translation: I have nothing.
Zora went right at it and was the most willing to clean up after the horse. Evan then comments that Dayana and Heidi were not enjoying it and that they both must have thought that this was as romantic as “an iodine enema”. Uh ok – I’ll take your word for it Evan. I’m not sure what is more surprising, his having an iodine enema or the fact that he knows what those two words mean.
It is now time for the actual horseback riding. Dayana talks about how she is not used to this as she is accustomed to being the princess as she is trying to get onto the saddle with her 4-inch heels on. Oh yeah, she’s a smart one. After a few minutes of riding a couple of the horses stop walking and Heidi is getting nervous as she allegedly doesn’t get along with horses and has been bucked many times before. That was bucked with a ‘b’. She gets scared and gets off the horse with Evan’s help and decides she doesn’t want to ride anymore. Before leaving she comments that “I am afraid of being on something I can’t control” and “I can’t control him and I don’t like that”. Are you getting the message Evan?
So the other three women proceed on the ride with Evan who comments about how they were a tough group to talk to. According to Evan, Zora is an animal lover and seemed to be having the most fun, Alison was leading and that is good because he likes women who can lead, and Dayana was born without a tongue. That can’t be good for her chances. As we depart from the date Heidi comments that she thinks that good or bad Evan will remember her. I think we all will.
Back at the chateau, the harem gets together and Paul the Butler announces that there will be 7 cuts tonight which surprises the women and they all comment on how drastic the cut is going to be.
We then find out that Heidi already has a boyfriend and the other women gossip about it to each other. They think it isn’t fair that Heidi has a boyfriend while the rest of them are all genuinely trying to get to know Evan(’s wallet) better. Even Paul the Butler weighs in saying that he thinks Heidi is here to land a man with money and “God help the boyfriend if she does”. Paul rocks!
After much bitching, the others confront Heidi who simply states that she thinks Evan is a great guy, that this is a great opportunity and that if anyone has a problem with that they should say something. The room falls silent. For the first time ever I know exactly what 11 women are thinking:
It is now the morning after and the women are all prettying themselves up for the ceremony. Evan discusses his picks with his new buddy Paul who agrees with his picks saying that he likes three of the women and Evan chose them all.
The women all gossip about who they think will be in the final five. There is a consensus that Dana will be picked for sure as she is so cute and the most physically attractive. I’m sorry but I just don’t get that. She looks like Britney Spears stretched out an additional 8 inches or so. Well, the pre-boob job Britney. And with Bill Clinton’s nose.
We now move to the Grand Salon for the selection ceremony and – oh wait a minute. I count 13 women in the room. That can’t be right. Who’s the new brunette? She looks familiar. Oh right - its Alex McLeod, the host who first appears 45 minutes into the show!
Who What has she been doing all this time? If the rumours from her Trading Spaces stint are true, then Alex would have fit in quite well with these bitchers, moaners and princesses. She then reads from the cue cards that the 5 lucky picks will receive sapphire necklaces this time and that she will now go and get Evan. Is that it? There must be a lot of Alex lying on the editing room floor – which isn’t the room Alex should be laying on if she wants a career. Evan enters and states he got no sleep and it was a tough decision and yada yada yada.
Paul annouces that the first pick is......Zora! Evan comments that he likes everything about her so far and that she has a great personality.
The second pick is......Alison! Evan remarks that he doesn’t think that she is in it for the money and that he doesn’t think she likes him but is interested in the challenge. Huh? Well good luck with that.
The third choice is.......Melissa! This one is no surprise as she is all over the introduction. Evan states that he likes her smile (again) and that she is spunky (again). He has run out of adjectives (again).
We now get dramatic quick camera shots of the remaining 9 women looking anxious as we go into...
We are back and we get multiple camera shots of Heidi with a s**t eating grin and a voiceover by Sarah who says she believes that it’ll be Murphy’s Law and that the woman who has the boyfriend will get picked.
Evan then asks Paul to proceed and he announces that the fourth choice is......Sarah! Quick cut to Heidi who no longer looks so confident. Evan then tells us that his reason for picking Sarah was that “she was hot so why not”. I think we know why he picked her.
And the final pick is......Mojo! She now has the big grin and does a little jig as she gets her necklace. Evan believes she is attractive, nice, sweet and can carry on a conversation. He had to pick someone from that date and the other three were mannequins.
Now that the picking is over, Heidi loudly blurts out “whatever”. Poor Heidi – or more accurately poor boyfriend back in the United States. Evan wishes the unselected women good luck and departs as the women console each other. Paul then tells the women that all 12 have to pack their bags as the remaining 5 will be going to Paris for 4 days with Evan. The women discuss how they are shocked that Dana wasn’t picked and Evan chimes in that she is too passive for him. Translation: It’ll take too long to get some from her.
The show concludes with Heidi doing what she does best – bitching. She complains that Evan’s pick were random (of course they would be if YOU didn't get picked) and then proceeds to berate Paul (don’t mess with Paul!) about her missing bag. Paul then confesses that he was really glad that Heidi wasn’t picked and that he couldn’t find that bag fast enough!
We conclude with another fireside chat with Paul who tells us that next week the women get individual dates with Evan in Paris. I wish Paul was my butler.
"I resolve to constantly assert my honest opinion on anything and everything - whether it's requested or not."