LAST EDITED ON 01-30-03 AT 03:54 PM (EST)
Four Dates and a FuneralPreface
I’m not quite sure who Fox thinks it’s trying to fool. I mean there’s more sincerity in the WWE than in this sleaze-fest. It’s one thing to try to dupe 20 money-grubbers by lying to them about the true status of the object of their attentions. They’re trying to dupe the entire viewing audience that ANYTHING on this show is genuine. Biggest. Fraud. Ever. And yet we watch…
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Previously on Joe Millionaire…
The gals go to Gay Paris, home of the father of all phallic symbols, and go on individual dates.
Sar-ahhh gets strapped up (I hear she’s used to that sort of thing)
Smile-issa rides the shaft at the Tour Eiffel
Mojo Jojo goes to the Moulin Rouge
Oh, and Zzzzora and Allison were there too.
Evan felt like a millionaire for 1 minute, which is 1 minute longer than anyone with a functioning brain stem would believe that this clown actually has that kind of coin. During his date with Zzzzora, he let slip that he was driving a bulldozer 2 weeks ago – errr 2 years ago. You see he’s new to this whole “time” thing. This week, Paul tutors him on categories (year, month, week, day). Next week they’ll work on big hand, little hand. Fortunately for Evan, Zzzzora was bored stiff with his company and was too busy listening to the chirping animated birds in her head to hear this colossal blunder that I’m sure had the execs at Fox ready to send Vinnie and the boys over to Evan’s house to explain a couple of things.
In the end, Sar-ahhh, Smile-issa, Mojo Jojo, and Zzzzora got emeralds. Allison got back the self-respect she used as collateral to get on the show.
As our show begins, we are greeted by Evan’s butler, Paul “No-not-that-one” Hogan. (Side note: If I’m an Aussie, I’m starting to get more than a little pissed off with our “exports”. Jocko? Paul “Walking Stereotype” Hogan? Yahoo Serious? The Crocodile Hunter? Robin Leach? No wonder Nicole Kidman married “outside the tribe”.) We’re 1 minute into the program and Paul is already hitting the bottle, swishing a snifter with some brandy in it. BTW, I saw Gosford Park and since when do “the help” get to drink the good stuff from the good stuff? Paul tells us that Evan and the girls have returned to the Chateau to “hang out” (translation: Fox maxed out the Visa in Paris) and wonders which of them will enjoy the pleasure of Evan’s company (hint: It’s probably the same ones who find the dialogue and plot development in the Teletubbies riveting).
Evan does a quick inventory of his belongings and checks to make sure Paul has written his name in his undies (in the back, of course, so he knows which way to put them on).
This week at the Chateau, Evan will once again have individual dates with the remaining self-esteem train wrecks. These dates are basically a notch above your standard White Trash get-to-know-yas. There’s the “Let’s get drunk and see what happens” date, the “I’m too po’ to take you out to eat, so why don’t you make me some dinner cuz that’s what the wimmens ‘r fer anyway” date, the “I can be spontaneous—let’s have a picnic!” date, and of course the “Let’s go out and play a game that I’ll let you win, then later you can read me some of your horrendous poetry—as long as I get to score later” date. All of these dates have the same goal…Lowest Common Denominator Nookie.
So, who gave it up?
Sar-ahhh’s date: Rating - NC17 (for soft core porn that would make Brian Heidik proud)
Evan: I thought we could do a “Laverne-&-Shirley-type-thing”.
Sar-ahh: Oh goody, role playing! You go get your “Big Ragu” jacket and I’ll go make us some milk & Pepsi. Oh, you meant with the bikes. Riiiight.
Evan and Sar-ahhh bike to a local winery, because nothing says “good impression” like getting all liquored up with a guy you barely know.
Sar-ahhh (confessional): I’m just happy to have his undivided attention. (Oh honey, no one has had Evan’s undivided attention since Joe replaced Steve on Blue’s Clues.)
Evan (confessional): The stupid wine guy didn’t even speak English. What the hell is wrong with these French people anyway?! And what, no beer? What kind of liquor store is this? But what the hell, Sar-ahhh got drunk, so it’s all good.
So they drank, and they drank, and they drank some more.
Sar-ahh (in a not at all manipulative way): So, what are you going to do with ALL THAT MONEY. I mean, are you going to travel, or do the things you’ve always wanted to do…LIKE TRAVEL.
Evan: Ummm (**pauses for dramatic effect…or because his lone brain cell was busy checking out her cleavage**) Ummm…I dunno. (Thank you, Rudy. Did you give this charade ANY thought? Has there been a question posed to you by these grand inquisitors that didn’t take you less than 2 minutes to ponder?)
Evan (confessional): She asked me all these hard questions, like what I was gonna do with my money ‘n stuff. I was just thinking…”when do we get to make out?” So I kissed her.
So there they were, mashing in the winery. I’m sure that wasn’t at all awkward for Mr. I-weel-make-no-wahn-beefore-eetz-tahm Frenchy wine pimp.
They left the winery and returned to the Chateau. Evan, one head numbed by alcohol and being led by the other, took Sar-ahhh and made a dash for the bushes, for some high quality “together” time…
Cue porn music (bow-wah-chicka-chicka…Tonight’s Booty Call is brought to you by Verizon Wireless…”Can you hear me now? Good.”…and is closed captioned for the horny—I mean hearing impaired. Let’s Get It On…)
Ahhh
Mwah
Uhhh
Mwah
Mmmm
{Zzzzip}
Ha Ha Ha Ha (Don’t worry Evan, it happens to the best of us **snicker**)
Meanwhile back at Le Chateau…
Zzzzora, taking this “Cinderella” thing too literally, is busy washing her clothing in the sink, whilst birds and mice flit about her singing songs of merriment.
<We rejoin our couple…Already in progress>
Think it will go better laying down?
{Snap}
{Sproing}
{Honk}
Ahhh
Shhh
{Aaaa-oooogah}
Ahhh
Shhh
{Slurp}
Shhh
{Slurp}
Umh
{Slurp}
Mmmmm
{Gulp} (Well, I guess that answers that question. You see, this is why this one-on-one time is soooo important.)
Meanwhile…
Zzzzora plays Mojo Jojo in chess. As if…
<Back at the action…Seconds anyone?>
Ahhh
{Slurp}
{Smack}
Umh
{Smack}
Who’s your Daddy?
Huh Huh Ha He
YAHTZEE!!
Evan & Sar-ahhh emerge from the hedges with a greater understanding of each other. I mean, nothing says “I truly care for you” like a quickie in the garden.
Sar-ahhh: I haven’t had that much exercise in a month. (“Exercise”? Is that what they’re calling it these days? And a whole month? Wow, no wonder you were easier than the TV Guide crossword.)
Back in Le Chateau, Evan retires and Sar-ahhh needs a cigarette after…well, after. So she grabs her smoking buddy, Smile-issa, and heads outside (because we all know how uptight the French are about smoking).
Smile-issa: Did you kiss him?
Sar-ahhh: Well…not as such, no. Except for the winery. I totally kissed him there. Oh, and there was the BJ in the shrubs, but I don’t know if that counts.
Smile-issa’s date: Rating - PG (for stolen “Friends” plotline)
Next, it’s Smile-issa’s turn to go down—I mean out with Evan. I can sum this date up in one sentence. Yo, go make dinner. Oh boy, what a treat for the effervescent Smile-issa! Evan was even thoughtful enough to wear the very best for this date…flip-flops, sweatpants and a t-shirt (what, he didn’t pack a wife beater?). He’s nothing if not charming. Smile-issa, on the other hand, is wearing what has to be the most unflattering shirt I’ve ever seen. This is a shapely woman, and yet this shirt somehow makes her boobs look like they’re on a shelf, and her torso look…well, bunchy.
The two of them head to the kitchen, where Paul informs them that they’ll be cooking for themselves as the kitchen staff has walked off muttering something about their checks from Fox bouncing. And besides, what’s more romantic than cooking together? (Oh, I don’t know…wallpapering?)
There’s one small problem with this date. Smile-issa can’t cook.
Smile-issa (confessional): I can’t cook.
So the two of them galomph around the kitchen like the Gumbys in a Monty Python sketch (I’ve got my head stuck in the cupboard! Shut up, Mr. Gumby!) Smile-issa spends what must have been 2 days looking for garlic.
Evan (confessional): She’s not domesticated. (Domesticated? She may not be all that bright, but she’s not livestock.)
A-ha! Smile-issa finds the garlic! No wait, those are onions. The hunt continues. Meanwhile, Evan is quickly burning something that looks like it used to be meat. Fortunately those 17th century French Chateaus aren’t equipped with smoke alarms.
At long last, the blood, sweat, and tears pay off as dinner is served. Voila! I present…spaghetti? All this pissing and moaning and clanging and banging over some damn spaghetti? Oh. My. God. The human race is doomed.
Evan: The noodles are a bit compacted. (Not unlike your brain.)
Evan: Well, cooking’s not everything. There’s also cleaning!
Smile-issa: I don’t clean.
Evan: (**thinking**) She is so outta here. Unless one of the other girls does something really annoying, like read me their poetry, or show me their family picture album, she is HISTORY!
Evan (trying to prove that Smile-issa’s a money-grubbing princess wannabe): So, what would you do with the money that I suppose-ably have…Hmmm? Not saying I don’t have it, cuz ya know, I so totally do.
Smile-issa: I’ve always wanted to buy a 3rd world country. But that’s just me. I’m a mercenary type person.
Evan (confessional): Smile-issa’s answer confused me. I mean what’s a “3rd world” Let’s see (**counts on fingers**) Earth, Moon, Mars. I guess she must be talking about Mars. Are there countries there yet? I thought all those Mission to Mars guys died.
Smile-issa: I mean all this getting waited on hand and foot? It’s really boring.
Evan: Uhhhh {could not be more confused}
Smile-issa: Are you mad that I can’t cook? Are you having fun? Do my boobs look weird in this shirt? Can you validate me as a human being?
Evan: (**thinking…again**) I’m sooo not getting laid tonight.
The date ends, and Smile-issa, wearing what appears to be a giant cobweb, goes outside to debrief with Sar-ahhh and feed her nicotine addiction.
Smile-issa: I’ve never had to cook for my boyfriends before. They’ve always wanted to eat at Denny’s.
Sar-ahhh: Did you kiss him?
Smile-issa: No.
Sar-ahhh: Retard.
Zzzzora’s date: Rating - G (for gratuitous footage of local wildlife)
The other 3 girls all peer out the window as Evan and Zzzzora prepare for their horseback ride/picnic.
Smile-issa: I got 100 euros says he makes out with her. (Add “gamble” to the list of things Smile-issa can’t do worth a damn)
Before they leave Zzzzora protests that she’s not buying into the “fairy tale” of it all. Oh please, girlfriend, you’ve not only bought into the fairy tale, you’ve bought the matching pony set and summer home megacomplex. Evan says “trust me” and gives a wink so smarmy that I think somewhere in LA, Brian Heidik shuddered.
Zzzzora: Well, there’s no reason to think that you’re a bad guy. (Except for that whole “his life is a lie” part, you’re probably right.)
Meanwhile, Sar-ahhh is jealous…
Sar-ahhh: (in full whine) I wanna go horseback riding. She already got to go horseback riding. I wanna go. (Sar-ahh sweetie? You’ve already had your E-ticket ride this week.)
So off they go, riding into the woods. Evan looks so natural on a horse, it almost looks like he’s been doing it for days…
Zzzzora (confessional): Evan’s horse adored him. (Adored? Pitied is probably more like it.)
They arrive at the gazebo where a picnic spread awaits them.
Evan (confessional): Being with Zzzzora is like being in a Disney film. (and being with Evan is like being in a disaster epic.)
Cue the fairy tale Disney-esque music and shots of squirrels, birds, groundhogs, Evan groping his horse (Ewww). Gotta love Fox’s ability to not take itself too seriously (and I’m sure it had nothing to do with taking a shot at The Mouse).
Zzzzora: I feel bad that the other girls can’t enjoy this too. (Careful what you ask for, Z…)
Meanwhile…
Smile-issa practices her French…”Voulez-vous coucher avec moi”. Mojo Jojo asks the other 2 to try on her hat…they try in vain to suppress their laughter, as do I.
Evan & Zzzzora return to Le Chateau…
Evan (confessional): The girls were out, so I thought I’d make my move. (What?! We just saw them trying on ridiculous head-wear. Where did they go?)
Evan and Zzzzora decide to hit the hot tub. They go to their respective chambers to change.
But what’s this? There’s a car approaching! Could it be…Yes! It’s the girl’s returning from…where did they go again? Someone’s seriously got to have a talk with the editor of this trash.
The girls enter to find Evan, shirt off, belt unbuckled. Uh-oh. Did Zzzzora put out?
Zzzzora’s date after party: Rating - R (for bikini leakage)
Evan tells them he was going to go in the hot tub, and they more or less invite themselves along. Next thing you know they’re swapping toiletries and oversharing on their grooming needs. Zzzzora looks pissed. I don’t think this was what she wanted to “share”.
Soon, they’re all in the tub, and it’s like a “Girls Gone Wild” video with breasts a’flyin’ and a’jigglin’. Sar-ahhh either was wearing a suit belonging to someone with a much smaller bust, or she needs to stop taking the growth hormones, cuz she had some serious Quad-boob action going on.
Zzzzora got pissed and left. Evan didn’t.
Mojo Jojo’s date: Rating - PG13 (for puke-inducing saccharine poetry)
Last, and by far least, this date started out with the two of them learning some fencing moves from the guy from the 3 Musketeers candy bar wrapper. Mojo Jojo dressed the part, but Evan still looked like the gaffer who walked onto the set by mistake. (and could someone PLEASE find this guy a razor? He seems to perpetually have the “I was out late last night and didn’t have time to shave this morning” look. C’mon Paulie, step it up!) MJ kicked the crap out of Evan, who looked like he’d rather be getting a bikini wax than have swords thrust at him.
So they returned to Le Chateau (no mention of where the girls are), and MJ gives Evan a gift. It’s a puzzle and a poem. Bad idea. First, unless it’s the kind of puzzle where you put the elephant in the elephant-shaped hole, he’s gonna be at this all night. And second, poetry?! Are you kidding me?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This poem sucks,
And it doesn’t even rhyme
She didn’t help her cause by mentioning “husband” and “wife” in her Ode on a Slack-jawed Yokel.
Next thing you know, Evan’s trying to figure out the puzzle. He kept trying to look at the picture for reference, but MJ insisted that that would ruin the moment. So instead, she put most of the pieces together. Yeah MJ, guys love that. She did let him put the last piece in, but it took him about 3 tries to even do that. The finished product was a B&W photo of MJ with the message “I Choo-Choo-Choose You”. Perhaps she didn’t get the memo on the details of the show, cuz I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works. Nice try, though.
MJ: OK, now can we finish the poem?
Evan: You mean there’s more? When do we get to the kissing part?
MJ: There’s only another 10 pages!
Evan: Who’s show is this, anyway? It’s not called Mojo Millionaire, now is it? (**moves in for the kill**)
Meanwhile…
The smoking chicks are at it again.
Sar-ahhh: Mojo Jojo sure is coming out of her shell.
Smile-issa: Slut. I’m not saying I’m better than she is, but…OK I am saying I’m better than her trailer trash ass. We’re 2 different elements, ya know? And Evan’s like a floating electron. Ya see, if he’s in her element, then he can’t be in mine. Unless of course we were bonded together in some sort of reaction.
Sar-ahhh: I failed chemistry.
Smile-issa: I can deal with the fact that he drinks beer and goes to Hooters, because all the men in my life have had such big plans for themselves. But I can change that, and bring him right back down to my level.
<Back in Hell…>
Evan: (**thinking**) Whewww, I’m sure glad that poem’s over. At least she didn’t make me…Oh God, no, no, NOOOOOO!! Not the FAMILY ALBUM!!!
Yes, that’s right. The family album. Evan, I’m sorry to tell you, but your parachute is a knapsack. And what family album is complete without a $1M check written to yourself? Ahh, nice touch MJ. Way to bang the last nails into your coffin.
Now that all of our dates have been completed, it’s time to bring in the “host”…Alex McLeod. Alex is to Host what Dick Cheney is to Vice President. Making her entrance 45 minutes into the episode, she tells the girls what they (and the audience, for that matter) already know. That Evan will come in and give out 3 ruby necklaces. The one who doesn’t get one **coughMojoJojocough** will have to leave. Then she leaves, and it’s as if she was never there.
Evan and Paul (who is to Butler what Hillary Clinton is to First Lady) enter…
Evan: I’ve had a great time with all of you (*winks* at Sar-ahhh), but I’m not on the same wavelength or really even the same planet with one of you. (Hmmm, who could he possibly mean?)
Sar-ahhh (because Evan probably thinks he can seal the deal on their next date), Zzzzora (because, after all, she’s the type of girl you marry), and Smile-issa (who Evan probably thinks has to be good for some guilt sex in the near future) get necklaces. Mojo Jojo gets a copy of the home game, and has to serve 10 days in a French jail for artistic fraud. She puts on a brave face with her glittery mascara (yet another classy touch, how could Evan be so blind?). Finally, Paul makes her leave. The other 3 look heartbroken that MJ is leaving, but the moment she’s out the door, they’re high-fiving and breaking out the bubbly.
We end where we began, with Paul dipping into the booze…
Paul: Evan let me keep this puzzle of Mojo Jojo, so if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to be alone with my “date”…
Next week: A Riviera Rubdown…Smile-issa gets easy….and Evan pops his cork.
Fester
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*knows better than to drink while reading anything by Fester*
"I resolve to constantly assert my honest opinion on anything and everything - whether it's requested or not."
