LAST EDITED ON 02-09-03 AT 10:52 PM (EST)

The Mercenary Blues

Previously on Joe Millionaire:

Mojo made it easy to decide,
she wanted to be his bride,
she said what the heck,
I'll show him the check,
Both she and the check are denied.

Sara Ho gave better nuzzle,
the butler kept the puzzle.

Last episode comment from Melissa: If I had money, I would want to go to a third world country and bathe their children. I'm a mercenary.

Hmmm, according to Websters a mercenary is: A person who serves merely for wages. So in other words, saying "I'm a mercenary" is the same as saying "I'm a ho".

And judging from Sara's captions from the last episode, Sara and Melissa are the Ho sisters.

Click here to Read Fester's fabulous summary for more details

And the show begins:

Welcome from Paul Hogan: Evan spares no expense and charters a private jet to take each girl individually to the French Riviera.

Paul now addresses Melissa and tells her she needs to be packed and ready to leave at 12:00. Evan is picking her up and they are travelling on his private jet. The other girls express their excitement for Melissa. Melissa does a little leg kick, saying, I'm going on the plane!

Next we see Melissa trying to figure out what to wear.

Melissa: I'm really stressed out! Help me pick out something.

Melissa to camera: I started getting really scared!

Sara Ho: Staying overnight kinda ups the pressure about 300 percent.

Zorella: It is getting a little weird because we're spending a little more time with him, individually, like one on one and we are all kinda like dating the same guy.

Sara Ho: I don't think you should look like a sorority girl.

Melissa is primping in front of a mirror dressed in black platform boots and leather skirt with a pink top.

Melissa meets Evan as she is coming out of the limo and tells him she's excited in her little girl voice.

Evan tells us that he is flying the girls to some of the most exciting places on the French Riviera, not that he's been to these places, but it oughta be pretty fun.

In the plane, Melissa wonders where they are going and Evan tells her it is a surprise.

Evan: I'm really raising the stakes this time to find out their true motivations because I have to make some pretty important decisions pretty soon.

Evan: It was really cool getting off of this private jet with a really beautiful girl on my arm.

Evan finally tells Melissa that they have landed in Cannes.

Evan: Melissa is so fun and upbeat that I was excited to explore Cannes with her. This is the place where millionaires go to play.

Melissa: I'm like perma-grin. I can't stop smiling.

Melissa: Evan, I am such a happy camper right now.

Both agree that they are going to have a blast.

Evan does his champagne cork over the balcony trick again and shatters glass below.

Evan: Sorry!

So, how many times does this guy pop his cork during this episode, ifyaknowwhatImean?

Melissa: Will you please pinch me? Beat me? Give me a little spanking? Subject me to insipid conversation later?

Evan: If anyone needs to be pinched around here, it's me. Im wondering how did I get here?

~Many days go by, water flowing underground. Once in a lifetime. Same as it ever was~

(I just thought they needed a little background music.)

Melissa: One thing that concerns me is that I don't want him to look at me like a little sister.

Melissa: I was strategizing. I was, like, I want to see the sun set. So we walked down to the sea and the beach.

Melissa giggles as they wade in the surf and settle down on a beach blanket to watch the setting sun.

Melissa: So the sun setted. I look at my glass of wine and I look over at this gorgeous guy and I wonder if he'll kiss me.

But she is facing the wrong way, still looking mostly at the sun. Hey girl, don't you know you have to face him to get some kissy face?

Evan: Melissa is go great, I can talk to her about anything.

Evan's sparkling conversation with Melissa: I heard of a guy that, he got like an ingrown toenail or somethin' like that. Had some kind of fungus in his car and he wound up dying from it. He had a staph infection and died.

Melissa: It was Romantic! *Laughs*

Me: Huh???

Evan: You ever hear of putting super glue on your cuts?
Melissa: No I haven't.
Evan: Yeah, you put super glue on your cuts and it seals it right up.

Melissa: Definitely, little sister.

Evan: You want to walk back up?

Flash forward to dinner. Melissa brought her boobs this time, on prominent display.

Evan: She looked great during dinner. Melissa's look is very appealing. She's curvy and I like curvy girls. She's got it all there.

Melissa: I had a dress on that showed cleavage and I really hadn't been wearing provocative things around him at all, so I think this is the first glimpse of my bod that he's had.

Evan: Melissa's got a little cleavage on her, so I'm trying to hit the eyes, and I'm going a little lower.

Evan tells Melissa she's popping out of her bra and she adjusts herself by pulling down on her bra and up on her dress. It's a very classy Ho move.

Evan: I didn't want you guys to get these delusions that I'm like Mr. ..uh..
Melissa: Perfect? I'm hoping that you have some faults in you.

Evan: Im wondering do they like me for me or do they like me for my..
Melissa: Money.
Melissa: You're going to battle that for a long time.
Melissa: I think each person has their own agenda as to why they came to meet you.
Evan: It shows through.

Melissa tells him that he is such an average person and that he doesn't seem like he has a lot on his mind. You don't know how true that is Melissa!

Evan: I was trying to listen to her, but I couldn't keep my eyes off her dress.

Melissa: I've dated men with money. It's not that hard to do. (She says this as though she dates millionaires all the time. DOUBTFUL!) I'm looking for a real person who, whether they have money or not, it doesn't matter.

Melissa to camera: Now I would be lying to you if I sat here and said, Money doesn't matter at all. Money matters. Money talks, money matters. Whether or not you want to look at it like that or not, it does and it says so in 'The Mercenary Handbook'.

Melissa: What are your turnons and turn offs?
Evan: I like legs. I like women that wear high heels. I like things that accentuate legs. That's me.
Melissa: I made my mind up that I was going to get to the next round. I mean, I got to get my game on. *Shot of Melissa stretching her high heeled leg towards Evan while at the dinner table, almost touching his leg. Shots of Evan feeding her chocolates and desserts.

The couple goes back to a room and sit on a sofa while Evan's stomach growls and Melissa's game plan seems to include playing with her loose curls. Evan looks like he is preparing to make a move, but Melissa still looks shy about it. Apparently she is having problems assuming the mercenary position.

Melissa: My gut tells me, you need to do this..
She moves in and touches his inner thigh.
Melissa: Were you like, just as shocked as I was about the course?
Evan: We were sitting on the couch and it appeared that she was coming on pretty strong and that was okay with me, cause I'd never seen her like that before.

Melissa gives him a shot of her leg and says she's only teasing. All the viewers get a short glimpse of her panties.

Evan: Melissa was making a move.
She stretches back on the sofa, facing away from Evan and says 'I'll make this easy'. Easy for what? You need to face the guy if you want to suck face.

Evan suggests that they go into the bedroom and we witness a kiss in the dark bedroom before they show a shot of the closed bedroom doors.

Back at the chateau, Melissa tells Zora that it was just a little kiss. Zora says she doesn't want them all to be hanging out with one guy and all be making out with him.

Next we see the two Ho stepsisters smoking on a balcony talking about Zorella's reluctance to bring a bikini on her overnight date.

Melissa: Speaking in a higher voice, mocking Zora: Why didn't he ask you two to wear your bathing suit the whole time. You guys weren't shy when you got into the hot tub.

Sara Ho find this very amusing as she laughs.

Melissa: Like Zora, Wear that thing with confidence, man.
Sara Ho: Right!
Melissa:The more or less confident you are the worse it looks on you.
Sara: Totally!

Zorella: I don't know how serious it was with them. I'm going to have a great time, no expectations, but no kissing. It's kind of like my little rule.

Zora remarks that it is quite a jump for her to be on a private jet. She's never even been in first class. Poor Zorella!

Evan wonders if he is into Zora because she is a challenge or because he is really into her.

As the plane lands Zora remarks over the beautiful rainbow. They hug and Evan tells her they are in Corsica. Zora comments on a bulldozer as they ride past it in the limo. Evan says that she is the only one who would bring that to his attention.

Evan: The funny thing about Zora is that even when we were in parts of no conversation, we still had a good time. We still were having a blast. We still had smiles on our faces.

Zora: I didn't think it could get much better than horseback riding that day. Im like, this is the best.
Evan: Wait til we get to the hotel.
Evan: I wanted to kiss her in the middle of the date, but it's crucial with her to not force her along or she tends to think that your somebody that she can't trust.

Back at the hotel, Evan picks up Zora at her door and she's wearing a dress that puts a bathing suit to shame. I think the magical mice and birds who made the dress must have kept most of the thread for nest building. Hey, what's the fuss about wearing a bathing suit when your dress barely covers your boobs! She looks dressed to kill and he is in casual clothes.

Evan: The first thing out of my mouth is "Did you get that breast in Paris?"

Evan: Did you.. did you bring that breast.. that uh..dress with you, or..

Zora: Did you want to finish your sentence, Evan. I'm going to kick you under the table, okay? It's a skirt and a top.

Both are still laughing with embarrassment as Zora asks if the food on her plate is Salmon. The waiter comes to ask them if they want their dessert by the pool and the pool debate begins. Evan knows she doesn't want to wear her bathing suit, but they wind up at the pool after dinner. He doesn't understand her insecurity about the bathing suit and after seeing that dress, I surely don't understand either.

Evan pulls Zora into the pool while she is still wearing her robe and they eventually share a kiss or two.

The next morning Zora is walking along the beach by herself. She meets Evan for breakfast at a table outside, asking for coffee. Zora tells Evan about her dream where Evan was another person named John Coors or Corbin..

Evan: She told me she had this dream that I was like two different people.

Evan: Everytime I hang out with Zora, she freaks me out, one way or the other.

Evan tells Zora that the dream doesn't mean anything. On the car trip home, he is feeling guilty and can't look her in the eye. He remarks that she might be psychic or something.

The two Ho stepsisters are waiting to pounce on Zora when she returns so they can pump her about her date. Melissa remarks that she probably wouldn't be friends with Zora if they met some other way.

The two Ho stepsisters act so friendly to Zora, after having made several catty references about her before her entrance into the dining room. Melissa compliments her on her shirt. *Note: Beware of people who are too nice to you.

Zorella: It was so beautiful!

Sara Ho: Are you tired? Did you sleep? *What could she be hinting at here?

Zora: Not very much. *Laughs

Zora: I'm very different from them. Would we be friends outside of this. I don't know. Probably not.

Melissa: Did you kiss him?

Zora: Nothing like...

Sara Ho: Just a little

Zora: yeah

Melissa: Tell us more.
Zora: I didn't offer a lot of details, not that I'm trying to hide anything. I mean I'm sure that they have their own little private moments with him that they didn't elaborate on.

Zora did offer up the fact that she told Evan that Melissa didn't care for that little speech during the elimination ceremony, which upset Melissa.

Melissa: Zora is not necessary the most innocent.

Sara Ho heads off for her date and talks about her life being raised to a whole new level. Whoa - Evan this one will bite your head off when she finds out you are not rich.

Sara Ho: It would be really nice if I had a bazillion dollars. *Hey, it would be nice if Evan really had it, too. Then all that whoring you've been doing would be totally worth it.

Evan: I really like Sara a lot. She's really classy and cultured. I've never met anyone quite like her.

Whoa, it sure doesn't take much to impress Evan.

Sara admires the 5 star hotel situated outside Nice, exclaiming over it's beauty. Well, it sure beats her white trash trailer back home. Evan leaves and she enjoys the room, sampling candies and drinking champagne. *Note, when she pops the cork, it doesn't hit anyone or anything.

Sara Ho, as she applies her makeup: I'm not a big seductress, but I definitely don't want to get eliminated next.

Sara realizes that the steward left her dress on the plane and she's not happy. By the time Evan gets there, she has adapted to the situation.

As she meets Evan at the door she tells him, My dress was lost, the converter didn't work, and my shoe broke.

Evan: She's very full of life and very positive about everything.

Sara: He's not 100 percent totally my type. I mean, he's a little rough around the edges, but that also can change in time. *Would she be saying this if she knew he had no money?

At dinner Sara impresses Evan with her knowledge of wine, even though she just describes the wine to the waiter as: I like medium body, Very dry, kind of berry flavored, but not grapey and not the kind in the box or the kind with the screw top or that Boones Farm stuff that gives me a headache.

I am just scratching my head at his naivete. If this guy really had money, someone could really take him for it.

Zora knows exactly what she wants, and orders gnocchi, which is an Italian pasta made with potatoes, in a tomato sauce. She says it is one of the finest things she's ever had in her life. Huh? Evan orders good old steak, but immediately begins to covet Sara's meal. Soon, she has him eating out of her hand as well as her plate, which I'm sure is part of her seduction plan.

Sara: He doesn't seem to be extraneously intellectual, but you don't have really to think someone is fabulous all the time.

Hey, Evan, do you think you could use some of your millions, I mean, thousands,... oh, shoot, how about spending $10 on a new dictionary for these girls.

He tastes the gnocchi and asks, Why didn't I get that?

And later, You are so lucky you got that, as he scarves most of her meal down and he lets her fork it to him. Evan decides to order some more gnocchi for himself.

The couple wander outside to admire the full moon. Sara Ho has never seen the moon looking that full and that bright.

Evan has another flying cork popping moment and has to apologize yet again for hitting someone.

Sara Ho: Hey, climb that tree.
Evan: Why?
Sara Ho: I don't know. I just wanted to see how much I could manipulate you. Buy me the Hope Diamond.
Evan: Okay, I left my balls in my construction over... I mean in my Armani tuxedo.

POP QUIZ:

Sara exclaims how great he is, how much she is attracted to him, and how much she trusts him and he warns her that he is:

a. A guy
b. Not a white Knight
c. Not perfect
d. Not all that smart
e. a $19K construction worker
f. horny
g, ready to ditch the cameras and make captioning noises again
h. all of the above
i. none of the above
j. some of the above
k. some of the below
l. about to request a Ho sister menage a trois

Evan walks Sara back to her room and decides to end it with a kiss at the door, gentleman that he is trying to be. He tells her that he will call her around 8 AM. Not to be rebuffed, Sara Ho knocks on his door not ten minutes later, asking him to take another look at the moon before he takes his pants off. We see the couple kissing and Evan doesn't mind. He thinks that she may possibly be the one.

Evan: What was going on underneath the blanket? A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

Note to Evan: A gentleman wouldn't let himself be filmed for a television show while sharing intimate moments with hos who think he is rich.

Sara's strategy is to be the only one he is thinking about when she is there, so, of course, the whoring process continues.

Next we see Sara in a bathrobe on the balcony of the hotel gazing at the ocean. We are left to wonder if it's her room or his.

Sara: I've broken every rule I set for myself before I had an orgas.. before I came.

Sara is lying across the bed, sighing. Evan's hands are moving up her creamy thighs as she gasps... sorry, got carried away.

Evan: Ready to go?
Sara: No.
Evan: No? I've got another ho coming in the next hour. You're so out of here!
Sara: What?
Evan: Oh, sorry. I forgot that there are only three of you and you're the last one. I've never been good with Math.

Evan: I would rate Sara's date, on a romance level, a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Sara thinks the hotel feels like home and hates to leave all of that opulence.

They kiss goodbye and she wishes him a good rest of his time alone.

Evan really feels the weight of the decision that he has to make.

Back at the Chateau, Paul informs the trio that eliminations are tomorrow, and no, he doesn't know who will go, do they?

Next, the editors attempt to take lots of shots of Evan being thoughtful, although... I think he really needs to see the wizard about obtaining a brain or at least a clue.

Evan speaks to a producer at 3 AM because he is suddenly hit with pangs of guilt over pulling the wool over the Hos eyes for about a month. The producer reassures him that this is to find out who likes Evan for Evan. Evan isn't good with puzzles (hey, that was Mojo's big mistake), and can't figure out who really likes him. Evan says he's never lied to get a girl in bed. So he did bed at least one of them, ya think? Evan claims he really likes these girls and wants to keep the scam going.

The girls meet in the elimination room, the Ho sisters dressed in cocktail dresses and Zorella dressed in rags.

We'llMissYa: Deep down, I don't think I'm going to be eliminated, I just don't.

Zorella: I'm really nervous. Thank goodness, I've made it as far as I have. I feel really fortunate.

Alex McLeod comes into the room in her prairie outfit to wag her head and claim her host credits by speaking for all of 15 seconds. Nice work if you can get it. The rest of the hos look up to her from their chairs, dreaming of a gig like this if dating a pretend millionaire doesn't work out.

Evan enters with Paul and his tray of diamond pendants. After letting them know how nerve wracking his decision was, he cuts to the chase. Sara smiles like the cat who swallowed the canary or some other bird, ifyouknowwhatImean. She is confident about her status with Evan. Paul announces her name and Evan places the necklace around her neck

Evan: I think Sara and I have really bonded and I have really strong feelings for her and I don't think her feelings for me are all tied up with money.

I don't know Evan, why don't you ask the Queen of bondage films herself?

We'llMissYa smiles at her Ho's sisters success, but then Zora's name is announced.

Evan: Zora is kind of mysterious and intriguing and that's really sexy. She makes me feel kinda like a kid again when I'm around her. We do, we have a really good time together.

We'llMissYa looks crestfallen and embarrassed at Evan's rejection.

Evan: I didn't have feelings for Melissa. She's was cute and everything, but there was just somethin' not there. I couldn't put my finger on it.

We'llMissYa garners a hug from Evan before she tries to yank the diamond pendant from Zorella's neck. Paul informs her that the rats and the pumpkin are ready for her and she grabs her Ho sister for a quick hug goodbye and she gives another hug to Zorella.

Sara tells us that she and Zora are something alike, but Zora in her confessional says they are two uniquely different people. Sara tells Zora that things are going to be nerve wracking. Psyching her out for the kill, Sara?

Melissa's parting words: I had a good time, ya know? Like, yeah, just fun. Evan's a cool guy; great guy. I think through the whole process he made me feel good, he made me feel at home, he taught me a few new positions...

Paul helps Melissa out the door to the waiting limo, hugs her and Melissa thanks him for everything.

Melissa: Of course he's missing out on me. Of course he is.

Not to mention that potential menage a trois with the Ho sisters, huh, Evan? Good luck trying to talk Zorella into it.

Evan has really been dreading this from the beginning. He has to choose between two girls and tell her that he's been lying this whole time.

Paul's Masterpiece Theatre closing:

You have to join us next week, because after all, we are getting down to the wire. And thank goodness because I've already gone through 5 cases of cognac; 1 for each episode. Of course, I shall be right here, awaiting your return.

Next time:

It's a fight to the catty finish, rrrowllll!

ABC slaps a law suit on FOX for using a well known Disney plot for this show.

Bonus material from Fox 5 News:

Evan grew up in Va Beach and the reporters go visit his former home to ask people who knew him what he was like. Evan attended a Military High school, lived in an upper middle class neighborhood, and got his first acting job on the soap opera Days of Our Lives. They show a shot of him moving a sofa on DOOL and actually has a line: Lady, that's where we just moved it from.

One of his friends remembers him as a little runt. Another man says: All the girls are like.. ooo, he's from here, but nobody's ever seen him.

His mother manages a high end linen shop in town and his father is a Senior VP at Old Dominion Trust Company. They both have mixed emotions about their son's newfound celebrity.

Evan's Mom: I thought at last someone has discovered this handsome son, this kind, nice person.

His Dad told him not to quit his day job. Evan spent 5 years at Hargrave Military Academy in Chatham, Va.

Evan played football, was a stand out wrestler, joined the Boy Scouts, and was a member of the Hargrave drill team. He got his Math teacher to shave his mustache, challenging him to shave it if Evan got a B, but the math teacher said he would do it if Evan even got a C. After Evan got his C, the teacher presented him with the mustache in a box. The class was delighted.

Even though his parents could afford to send him to this $12K a year Military Academy, Evan insists that he does not come from money. He says that he's going to ride this horse until it drops dead.

He also got fired from a job in NY where he was working as a doorman for dating one of the hotel's guests.

Edited because I'm a tweakaholic

In case you noticed, this is supposed to be Ep 5, but I must have hit the wrong key and now I can't go back and edit the title. Yikes!