Mr. Tig: Why are we watching Joe Millionaire tonight? We just got home from vacation and we have taped a bunch of “good” television shows.
Tig: I promised to summarize the show.
Mr. Tig: (*rolls eyes*) Don’t tell me it’s for the reality TV show website that you waste all your time posting on.
Tig: OK, I won’t tell you that…especially since it seems that you already know the answer. However, we prefer the term “investment” as opposed to “waste.”
This episode does not start at 9:00 PM, because after all, none of the Fox shows are punctual. They wait to make an “grand entrance.” Or something like that. Watching Fox is like watching your own private Tivo commercial. Our VCR always misses the first few minutes or the last few minutes. I am convinced that Tivo and Fox have a revenue sharing agreement that I would really love to audit. Except that Tivo doesn’t work all the time either.
Mr. Tig: Joe Millionaire was on at 8:00 PM too, did you know that?
Tig: Yes, we taped it.
Mr. Tig: So, don’t you have to summarize that?
Tig: No, I have to write the second half of the show. It won’t be pretty. I’m not funny. When I signed up, I had no idea that everyone would be comparing my summary to Bucky Katt’s.
Mr. Tig: Who???
Read Bucky’s outstanding summary. Anique goes. Petra with the “great personality” stays. Remember that. That is a Fox foreshadowing moment. If you’ve watched any Fox television show before, you poor poor unfortunate soul, you know exactly what I mean. Cat also stays. Paul thinks that David has made an “interesting choice.” Linda returns from her Mediterranean cruise with the Senior Vice President of Subtitles. Apparently, he dumped her after hooking up with a hot Australian chick that is auditioning for the Revenge of Joe Millionaire Part III. (C’mon, you all know we have a few more continents to exploit.) Since Linda was cast off so abruptly, she wants another opportunity with David’s money. Anique has already put out, so David doesn’t mind the switch.
Mr. Tig: Didn’t you say that your episode summary was on December 15th? Why are you doing this the day after you return from vacation?
Tig: Well, it was originally on the 18th, but Fox changed the schedule twice. I said I could do this day. And I can. Especially since it means I can read a summary by DebCapsFan.
Mr. Tig: Who???
This episode starts out with all of the girls pissing and moaning about Cat. Apparently, Cat is last season’s Sarah. I can’t wait to see the foot fetish tapes. The girls are a bit Catty and think that
Sarah Cat sees this as a game. I can’t disagree. Each of them is a player.
Paul comes in. He says that he’s staggered that they are “up” that early. Petra gives him a wink and a big kiss and says that she was just about to say the same thing to him. Paul says that they should meet Samantha, the invisible hostess, in the Grand Salon. Now, I have yet to understand the role of Samantha in this production. Let me make an analogy. When was the last time (outside of Russia) you went to a McDonalds where there was a hostess? Similarities between David & The Girls and McDonalds (cheap, trashy, fast, served billions…) seem to indicate that a hostess is really not necessary.
Mr. Tig: Why don’t you just read the East Coast Spoilers and summarize those?
Tig: Nobody spoils Joe Millionaire, because nobody watches the show.
Mr. Tig: So, nobody will read your summary.
Mr. Tig: So, why are you doing this again?
Tig: I told AyaK I would, and I am very afraid of him.
Mr. Tig: Who????
The girls are informed that someone who was eliminated gets to return. They both start to guess who it might be. It takes them all of one second to figure out that it is Linda, but the Senior Vice President of Subtitles makes them start over with their guessing to obtain enough footage.
Sarah Cat is threatened by the return of another girl, but Petra is glad. Petra’s tired of making out with Paul and she’s afraid whatever Sarah Cat has is catching. Sarah Cat says something about how important it was that she was the first girl he kissed. One drunken evening I surveyed Mr. Tig and all of their friends to see if they could describe for me the best kiss and the best sex they ever had. Without exception, each guy said the last kiss and the last time they had sex was the best. After thinking for an indeterminable period of time, some of the guys came up with a more creative answer, but it took some serious time. Note to Sarah Cat: Guys don’t seem to remember that sort of thing. It’s more like an anniversary and less like a baseball stat. Therefore, it will not be remembered. Based upon my nonstatistical survey, I can only presume that perhaps it would be better to be the last person who kissed David instead of the first.
Petra is wearing a cowboy hat that is reminiscent of Mojo. Paul takes her aside and tells her that the poem, puzzle and family album did not work last season. He also coaches her to not use the term “husband and wife.” She thanks him in her own special way and gives him the puzzle to add to his collection.
Mr. Tig: Let’s just watch the CSI from last week that we taped.
Tig: C’mon, you’re a chemist. cq venus says that scientists cannot watch the show.
Mr. Tig: Who???
And then, they are off to Venice, the City of Love. Perhaps it will do something for David & His Girls. I mean, if you can’t fall in love in Venice, you can’t fall in love. Give up now. They take a boat through this beautiful city and arrive at their hotel.
Mojo Petra gives a huge smile to Paul, and says, “and there was Paul.” I know there is someone out there that doesn’t believe that anything is going on between Mojo Petra and Paul, and I invite them to review this footage. Mojo Petra asks, “So, who is the next girl going to invade our life?”
She kisses the girls. They act surprised and wonder why she has returned. Did she miss them (ummm….no….wasn’t that why she left?), David, or Venice? She tells everyone she had to return because of the adventure. The girls embellish their dates and try to make Linda feel excluded. Soooo much has happened they say. When? Did I miss something? Did it escape being recorded? Was the whole crew on the Mediterranean cruise with Linda?
Linda is having a hard time hiding her emotions. Linda finds a masquerade mask and puts it up to her face. This is what is known as a Fox Foreshadowing Moment and from here on out, I think we have Zora. I was a little disappointed, because I wanted there to be a Melissa this season. I understand, though. I mean, it’s difficult to find women who have an ambition to be a mercenary and bathe children. (best.quote.ever)
Paul brings out a little black dress. You know the type. They are in every woman’s closet. David probably raided the closet of his live in girlfriend before appearing on the show. He informs
Mojo Petra that she is to have a beautiful dinner with David. Mojo Petra looks disappointed that the dinner won’t be with Paul, but then remembers which guy has the money.
Mojo’s Petra’s Date Mojo Petra comes down wearing the black dress and this hideous white wrap.
Tig: Ohmigod! I think that wrap was the old wedding veil housed in Coconut’s basement!
Mr. Tig: What are you talking about?
Tig: You know, Coconut, my OT triplet.
Mr. Tig: Who???
They go to on a moonlight cruise to dinner under the stars. It’s supposed to be romantic. David gives
Mojo Petra ‘80’s jelly bracelets, and says she likes weird stuff. I can’t figure out why David is complaining. Since she likes weird stuff, he might stand a chance. They listen to an opera singer. At the end of the evening, Mojo Petra thinks it would be cute to walk David to his room. They kiss behind the curtains. We hear David growl like a lion. Classy.
“I’m sort of a princess. David has a possibility to be a prince.”
Mojo Petra Uh-huh. And pigs can fly. And if that were the case, Olinda would have been much more interesting. I wouldn’t have minded watching her fly.
“I’m going to have to do…I don’t know…a lot of kissing. You gotta keep these women happy!” David
What makes women happy?
A) Kissing David
B) Not kissing David
C) David’s $80 million
D) Being on Television
E) B, C and D
Suffice to say, David has no clue what makes a woman happy. I mean, having a guy make out with two of my best friends and me on national television is indeed my idea of eternal bliss. Those lucky girls!
Mojo’s Petra’s date, Zora Linda and Sarah Cat have a heart to heart. Sarah Cat tells Zora Linda that the others can’t know, but David already tried “it” on a date, and why not? As long as she gets to stay around, she’s OK with “it.” Zora Linda takes the high road and worries that although holding hands and kissing is intimate to her, it apparently isn’t special to David. Ding Ding…we have a winner! Last season I wondered what Zora was doing on the show, this season I’m wondering about Zora Linda. Do they not describe how the show works to these women? Do they seriously think they are the only ones?
Zora’s Linda’s Date
We are treated to some footage of David getting ready. He is taking
Zora Linda to breakfast. If I were Zora Linda, I would revolt. What a stupid date! They are in arguably the most romantic city in the world and breakfast is date du jour? The only way that would be romantic would be breakfast in bed.
In Survivor Africa, a summary writer instituted the SAC (Silas Asinine Comment) counter. On this date with
Zora Linda, I heard the DAC counter ticking so loudly, I could hardly understand anything that either of them said. Zora Linda thinks that by his body language she still has a chance. They eat breakfast in a place that appears to be Piazza San Marco, but I’m not sure. I managed to fall in love without using Venice as an aid. This date is as boring as it sounds. Zora Linda looks reluctant to get her photo taken, and since her listed profession is “model,” I can certainly understand her hesitation. We are treated to a digital camera commercial and David sends the photo to Paul. (to add to his collection, perhaps.)
“Her heart is the best heart.” David So, that is his rationale for his poor eye contact! I was just checking to see what your heart was like. Frankly this comment confused the crap out of me. I thought he said that he didn’t know her well enough because she had missed most of the journey, but yet he knows all about her heart.
“If she knew a guy was going around kissing all of these girls, then I think she would think I’m unsincere (sic), that he doesn’t like me….” David This guy is good. I can’t believe how intuitive he is. Then he follows it up with perhaps my favorite quote from this season.
“That’s a pretty girl….gotta make a move” David Gotta eat, gotta drink, gotta sleep, yeah, just gotta make a move. She thinks things are moving too fast and pushes him away. My buddy Dave doesn’t understand. “I don’t understand. Why would you not kiss someone?” he wonders. “Why would you push away?” This guy will never be able to get married to a non-swinger. He won’t ever be able to get past his own bachelor party. Classy. Some want
Zora Linda to win this show. I don’t. I think you win this show by losing. David needs so much more than a good woman.
Tig’s Godson: (*singing*) I just called to say I love you.
Tig: I love you too, bunches and bunches. But, isn’t it past your bedtime? Shouldn’t you be asleep?
Tig’s Godson: Yes, but mommy let me call you to tell you good night and that I love you to infinity and beyond.
Tig: Hmmm…well, Nookie hearts me more.
Tig’s Godson: Who???
Sarah’s Cat’s Date Sarah Cat thinks she has a relationship with David that is totally different than the other girls. David says he doesn’t know what the limit is with her. He keeps testing them and he realizes that there are no boundaries. She will do anything for his $80 million. I find myself agreeing with Sarah Cat—she does have a relationship with David that IS totally different than the other girls. And she has a good Richard Hatch strategy. She deserves to win. She deserves David.
They go on a gondola ride. David gives
Sarah Cat the ugliest belt I have ever seen. He claims it is real. It is. Real ugly. She says that she loves it because he gave it to her. On the other hand, if she had received it from another guy, say a rodeo cowboy without twenty dollars to his name, she would love it because she could use it as a device to hang someone.
After his date with frigid
Zora Linda and the multiple cold showers which followed, David says that nice to have body contact. He claims that she is the type of girl that would make a guy happy, but he doesn’t know if it is love. David says it feels like they are boyfriend/girlfriend. She thinks it could be love; why not? Why not? Check out who is sitting next to you in that gondola, girlfriend.
Sarah Cat go up to his room. David puts his moves on her. He thinks that Sarah Cat is a gorgeous, sexual, romantic, loving girl who would do anything for him. (Actually, the $80 million, but you are half right, sweetie!) Sarah Cat said that she was trying every trick she had to stay with him. I can’t really say what went on there, but we do know that David had to use the restroom. When David returned, he had some hair gel on his ear. Regrettably, Sarah Cat doesn’t use hair gel, so we don’t get to see her hair sticking up for the remainder of the date. He also gave Sarah Cat a rose made out of toilet paper and the bra page from the Sears catalog. Classy.
Mr. Tig: We haven’t seen the last three episodes; are you sure we shouldn’t watch those first?
Tig: No, no, this is like reading the last chapter in the book first. Besides, I don’t have time. Webby has a 100 hour rule on summaries.
Mr. Tig: Who???
Meanwhile, Paul gives
Zora Linda a bag full of purses with a little note from David. which said:
Listen. I’m going to give you one more chance.
Stop pushing me away. My ego can’t take it anymore.
The Senior Vice President of Subtitles says that you were magic.
If you show me some of that magic, I’ll let you stick around.
Come to my room soon.
XXOO and whatever letters represent second and third base,
Zora Linda goes shopping and gets David an angel. You know how the houses in the Italian ghettos always have religious symbols on the doors because most of the bad people are Catholic and they believe that religious symbols might make potential perpetrators think twice. They also truly believe that the symbols themselves provide some level of protection. Analogy to Zora Linda. This angel is her chastity belt. She writes a letter to David.
The production crew is already laughing at me.
I have to play hard to get, because well, I am harder to get than
Please send matching shoes with the handbags next time, and I will favorably consider your petition.
Don’t worry. I’ve read my script on how the ending is supposed to work here.
Maybe you should too. The Cinderella story doesn’t happen without me.
Your sweet and innocent angel,
Zora Linda Zora Linda opens her door to see him kissing Sarah Cat at her door. Zora Linda is shocked, even though Sarah Cat has already disclosed all of the kissing that is going on. Zora Linda really felt that his feelings were unique with her. Ummm…sweetie…this is the guy that isn’t aware that there is a circumstance where you don’t kiss someone. At this point, I think she is being Shannon from the first Bachelor.
Samantha drops by to tell the girls that there will be an elimination back at the Villa. The girls play Truth or Dare, but unfortunately, no one does any Dares or expose any interesting Truths. Fox production crew should have done a better job explaining the rules or edited the whole thing out.
Zora Linda plucks petals from a rose as she says, “He loves me, he loves Cat, he loves Petra…” over and over. She misses the fact that “he loves being on television.” We are then treated a scene of David wrestling with the decision at hand. Most of what he is saying is bleeped out. We are supposed to get the impression that this is a really tough decision for him.
Tig’s College Roommie: Hey, are you watching Joe Millionaire?
Tig: Of course. You?
Tig’s College Roommie: You bet. You remember that drinking game we had in college where we would drink after every bleeped swear word on Jerry Springer?
Tig: We’d be tanked right now…and have more college debt than we could ever afford.
Tig’s College Roommie: (*begins to sing I would walk 500 miles by the Proclaimers*)
Tig: Wow. In honor of Doodle’s 500th post, I sang that song to her. That was so long ago.
Tig’s College Roommie: What?
Tig: You know, Doodlebug, my OT triplet.
Tig’s College Roommie: Who???
The prizes are diamond bracelets. Oh, and the opportunity to continue to take the final step in the journey with this prize of a man. David’s speech is pitiful this evening. He possibly has the same speechwriters as Paula Abdul in American Idol. He emphasizes that the all have something in common. Yeah, a big “L” on their forehead. And that doesn’t stand for LOVE either. David then states that he hates this decision and swivels to Paul. Let Paul do the dirty work. Paul calls
Zora Linda and Sarah Cat.
Mojo Petra that he had the most wonderful time with her. OK, if that were true she would still be there. She doesn’t call him on it. I am rather disappointed. He says that when he was depressed and thinking about leaving (when none of the girls were putting out), she always cheered him up. Then he says the oddest thing. He says that he wishes he had her personality and beauty. Let us dissect those comments for a moment. Last time I checked (which admittedly has been awhile) having a guy I was dating say that I have a “great personality” was NOT a good thing. And David wants to be as beautiful as Mojo Petra??? Most straight guys do not want to be beautiful. They hope to be handsome. Just sayin’. Sarah Cat feels better with Zora Linda as her competition than with Mojo Petra. Besides, now Paul is available.
Tig’s Nephew: Hi, auntie Tig! I love you.
Tig: I love you too, silly worm. OK, isn’t it past your bedtime? Shouldn’t you be asleep?
Tig’s Nephew: Mom says that this is only for special, because I have to finish my homework. And since you were gone all last week, I didn’t get to talk to you. I’m supposed to read a fairy tale. So, I am going to read you Jack and the Beanstalk.
Tig’s Nephew: It’s from Jack and the Beanstalk. Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman…
Tig: (*thinks to self*) This could be an excellent Joe Millionaire parody.
Fee Fi Faux Fum,
We see no brain in the American one.
Since he's rich, and not so poor
We just will have to let him score.
So Paul asks, “What’s a young faux Millionaire to do? We’ll find out next week in the season finale of the Next Joe Millionaire, when Daivd will have to make his final choice and then reveal the truth. Will he succeed in finding a girl who loves him for who he really is? Or will he discover the girl of his dreamswas only ever in it for the money?”
Find out on the next Joe Millionaire. Everyone will be shocked. It’s not what you think. Right. Like it’s the most shocking rose ceremony ever.
Summary Virgin. Be gentle. I was told it would only hurt the first time.
A Kyngsladye Original