Ep 5 (Ending/recap)
There is a new Executive Production Consultant for this show. Everyone, let’s give a warm welcome to Mr. Willy Wonka. Since poor Joe Millionaire can’t tell the sincerity of the girls’ intentions, we have brought in a technological masterpiece of machinery to help him.
Wonka: The Eggdicator. The Eggdicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg . . . down the chute. It's an educated Eggdicator.
David: It's a lot of nonsense.
Wonka: (singing) A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
So, the “girls” are instructed to line up for the Rose/Ruby Ceremony, I mean, Eggdicator Ceremony.
Giada: bad egg, the girl is so worried about being booted, she’s blowing up like a Blueberry.
Cat: bad egg, but thoroughly enjoys the lickable wallpaper. Me bad.
Petra: good egg, she grew up on a farm, so she knows how to act like a chicken.
Kristyna: bad egg, doesn’t really like David, but acts like a Slugworth.
Anique: bad egg, yes, she’d like an Everlasting Gobbstopper, I mean, Diamond necklace.
Olinda: bad egg, the girl wants more stuff than Veruca Salt. Looks like an Oompa-loompa too.
David: I’ll take Anique, Cat, Petra, and Oompa Loompa woman.
(*plop plop* - Giada and Kristyna fall down the chute).
Mr. Paul: Um . . . where'd they go to?
WONKA: Where all the other bad eggs go: down the garbage chute.
Mr. Paul: (laughing) The garbage chute. Where does it lead to?
WONKA: I think it drops them off on the NJ Turnpike, just like in the movie, Being John Malkovich.
Ep 6 Begins... Someday his Princess will come
Evil Stepmother = Olinda
Evil Stepsisters = Anique-stasia & Petra-cilla
Puss in Boots = Cat (a Cat who wears boots)
Prince Charming = David (sad but true)
Mystery Princess = Linderella (please, please, please)
Once upon a time, there was a handsome young pauper, disguised as a Prince. He lived in a beaten-down shack, with only his trusty horse to keep him company. He made a wish on a star, to be the star of his own tv show and get lots of action from some hot babes. Suddenly, there appeared from nowhere, the magical fairy god-butler, Paul. Paul was indeed surprised to find such a catch - just what he had been looking for = a naive-type, no-hype, Woody-Harrelson-looking, dirt-poor, stallion-riding, manure-shoveling, oat-sowing, fiancee-dumpin, slow-talkin, jive-walkin, meal-praying, ma'am-saying, desperate-attention-seeking ...... man-whore!
And the search for his Princess began.
Fairy-Butler: Sir, let’s have a ball, and invite all of the finest eligible maidens of the village.
Prince: Yes, Sir. Sounds like a right fine idea to me.
F-B: No, sir. You are “sir”. I am Paul.
Prince: Yes, Sir.
F-B: Oh, this is gonna be a long one..... *repeatedly bangs head against wand*
(You know the rest, let’s fast forward a bit).
Four Dates and a Funeral
When the girls arrive to the Hotel via Obvious Celebrity Limo, the paid-for-their-services-by-Fox-producers-PAPPARAZZI are there to greet them and take pictures, which will shortly be for sale on Ebay - for 22 cents each.
Paul: “The Rock-star welcome is going to their heads.”
THAT’S A BAD DAY (To the tune of That’s Amore)
When the stink hits the fan, like a big Pizza Pan, that’s a Bad Day.
The girls start to opine when they’ve had too much wine, that’s a Bad Day.
Label says “Chardonnay” but its just “Sutter’s bay”, it’s a mix up.
Make-up crew comes on in, because Olinda’s skin, needs a fix up.
Bells will ring, but it’s no big thing, just another bling-bling
from our good-do’er.
Girls will play, rolling in the hay, just to get away
from the smell of manure.
When the girls make you drool cause you’re such a big fool, that’s Anique-ay.
When you walk down the street and your date smells like feet, that’s Cat-ay.
When you wake from a dream with a girl who’s obscene, that’s Olin-day.
Excuse me, hey hey hey, back in ole USA, that’s a Bad Day.
There is a girl fight over room selection, and even Petra-cilla remarks that Evil Ma was acting like a spoiled brat. The girls are invited up to the rooftop for a glass of, what else?, champagne. Fox wants alcohol-induced behavior and confessions, and they’ve struck Texas Oil with Olinda.
Evil Ma starts shaking and channels the spirit of Lamy from Paradise Hotel, and starts spouting her venemous hate, anger, and threats. (c’mon, you knew I’d have to get a Pho reference in somewhere...)
*DISCLAIMER* - the following are Actual quotes from Olinda, I did not write these.
EvilMa: “Petra, you said that 5 times. If you say that one more time, I’m going to shove you off the roof.”
(About Cat) O: “Can’t she fall down the stairs or something? Just Cat, just like, accidentally fell down and died. We all know she’s not innocent.”
O: “I really hate her” Anique-stasia: “Chill”
O: “I’m getting aggressive now.” A: “Chill”
O: “I want to hit her. She’s a gold-digger.”
A: “You make me scared. For Real.”
(Now, interspersed between each date are countless cruel and jealous remarks by EvilMa, and I will have to quote those in another thread. But it basically played like a tennis match: one minute of the date, one minute of Olinda, one minute of the date, one minute of Olinda - back at the hotel. It got old. But the two stepsisters, went along with her and laughed and sometimes joined in, at least on camera. I guess they don’t want to be the target.)
Date 1 - Petra
Trip to the MOUTH OF TRUTH
On the way, they pass by a large figure of Pinocchio. David actually recognizes himself. I’m such a liar, wah, wah, wah. Guess what honey - so are the girls. Petra: “I don’t smoke”.
David worries about what Petra will ask him when he puts his hand in the Mouth of Truth (which shall cut of your hand if you lie).
P goes first. He asks her if she likes him. She says yes, and comes out unscathed.
David puts his hand in. The sweat is pouring down his face. His eyes are twitching.
Petra asks, “Were you really in love with Linda?”
David “No, I barely got to know her. .... .... Aaaaaaaaaagggghhh!!!!! My hand, my hand!! It’s gone!”
We’ll just call him stumpy from now on. (No, it didn’t happen, kay?)
Date 2 - Anique
Carriage ride to the TREVI Fountain
They toss in a coin and make a wish. Anique makes three (why 3? 3 death wishes for her competition, of course).
David makes a wish for Linda to return (yes, I can read his mind.) He goes on and on about how “very, very, very good-looking” she is.
Date 3 - Cat
Dinner and a Walk
They pass by some statues. D “Horses and naked men” C “that’s what I like”. D “that’s funny. Me too!”
C “Is it true that you were in love with Linda?”
D “with Linda?????” Big pause. “I didn’t even know Linda.”
They kiss. And kiss some more. Then go back to his room, and have champagne on the balcony.
C “He likes me best of all the girls”
Later that night, she sneaks into his room for a little more loving.
Date 4 - Olinda
Gladiator vs. Calliope
We see 2 guys dressed as Roman soldiers. David enters in Gladiator costume, with Paul trailing behind, dressed as Hermes from Disney’s Hercules. Its priceless. Evil Ma tiptoes out, in the same outfit as David, but looks like Calliope from Xena, Princess Warrior. They are then given weapons, and minimal instruction.
There is sword-fighting. Steel crushing steel, shields defending powerful blows from the opponent. The camera men have copied the Gladiator-style of showing fight scenes, with quick shots and much editing.
We who are about to die, salute you!
Calliope decides to take a jab, and whoosh, with one fell swoop, almost cuts David’s hand off.
D “Aaaaaaaaaagggghhh!!!!! My hand, my hand!! It’s gone!”
The 3 girls who stay will receive a Diamond Pendant.
Kathy Griffin walks in the room and announces: “I’m sorry to break up the party, but one of you freaks has to get the axe!”
(Whoops, wrong show. Now why can’t Kathy host this show?!?!?)
The actual ceremony lasts only a few minutes, but it feels like we are waiting for Hours! Slow, drawn out, long pauses. Shots of: Olinda’s eyes bulging out, Anique’s boredom, Petra’s anxiety, Cat’s Paranoia, etc, etc.
First - Petra (Evil Stepmother is relieved)
Second - Anique (Evil Stepmother is happy)
Third - Cat
Olinda: “Aaagghh, I’m melting, I’m melting, Oh, what a world! Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?”
Superstar — has left the building!
David: "I think the villa's gonna be alot quieter now."
Paul: "Another tough decision - or not?"
Thank goodness for Spontaneous Human Combustion!
Meanwhile, back in David’s room:
David: Hey, Daddy, I want a golden Linda.
Hostess Samantha: Here we go again.
Mr. Paul: All right, sweetheart, all right. Daddy'll get you a golden Linda as soon as we get home.
David: No, I want her back now! Can’t you allow some booted players to return like every OTHER reality show is doing this season?
Mr. Paul: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden Linda?
WONKA: She’s not for sale.
Mr. Paul: Name your price.
WONKA: he can't have her.
David: Who says I can't?
Mr. Paul: The man with the funny hat.
David: I want one! I want a golden Linda!
WONKA: Sorry, but you chose such trashy, jealous, catty contestants that they’ve scared her off. However, the producers and I have noticed that if we DIDN’T bring back an eliminated contestant, that we just wouldn’t be in line with all the OTHER reality dating shows. Also,
now that the ratings have gone down the Egg chute, we will definitely find a way to bring back your TRUE LOVE. In fact, we’ll expedite the matter. Fortunately, in just a couple of weeks, this whole debacle will have concluded and we can all go back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Next time on The Next Joe Millionaire:
Joe takes the girls on a jet-setting tour. David - “Cat is #1 right now”.
SURPRISE TWIST: (where have we heard that claim before?)
The one who leaves will be replaced by a previous player. HE has to choose one girl who was eliminated earlier to come back.
* A door starts to open, revealing the outline of the Mystery Princess *
"I don't want to be evil now, I'm just saying the truth" - Olinda