LAST EDITED ON 02-22-03 AT 01:45 PM (EST)
Finally it's Time for Some Shocking Revelations
What's this? The regular intro about the average shmo with his $19,000 transforming into a fake multi-millionaire plays again? It feels weird when I've just been watching an hour of Joe Mill-related crap. Must be for the benefit of people who missed the first hour, but still, it's a definite portent of boredom to come. After all that build-up, this next hour is kinda ho-hum.
What will happen when the unlucky winner finds out the truth? Will she still want "Evan" or will she be ready to tear someone a brand new dimple? That's what we're here to ogle. I consider how difficult it has to have been for Evan/Joe to narrow the field down. Will he pick the one with as little personality as him? What will happen when we find out the extra twist? Can we handle it?
Here's a twist - Evan gets arrested for popping those champagne corks back in Paris. Somebody filed assault charges. We need something really bizarre to live up to the hype.
Last week, goes voice-over guy ... and I can't believe they've got the nerve to recap last week's recrapisode. Bebo called her Alex McCloud. Swami dubbed her Ghost of the Show. I thank you both for the inspiration. gHost Cloud re-delivers the unstartling announcement. PepeLePew covered the entire recrapisode brilliantly.
'Last week' ends with Evan drowning his sorrows with beer. He did say he is really really really sick of champagne.
The girls are at a table. Isn't this from last week? Zora desultorily picks at what looked to me like a Kraft Dinner. She's in a cowboy shirt, while Sarah is in dining attire as her foreshadowy voice-over threatens to drive me insane ("My game, I'm in charge, he's all mine.")
Zora says to Sarah, "It's really happening, one of us is leaving," Sarah voices over that "Zora is so trusting. Did she just fall off the turnip truck?" Alright, so LOL. haha. Zzzzz.
Doomsday chimes. Evans says he's made the decision, now he has to look the amazing girl in the eye and tell her who the truth. I'm REALLY GAY!
He's also nervous about dealing with the girl he's not chosen. What kind of fingernails do the girls have. has anyone noticed?
Showdown at Okay Corral music. Shocking Twists Are On Their Way. dunh dunh dunnnn. About bloody time.
Girls Get Ready (again.) We saw this last week. Zora Curls Her Eyelashes is not worth a repeat. Here is Paul coming to collect her to escort her to the Grand Salon. This filler is too much. They've shown this Highly Incredible & Shocking footage how many times now?
Paul gets Evan, who is wearing a shirt with a sweater and gasp: real shoes!! OhMyHeck! Quelle shocking twist!
Another commercial break? That was never 5 minutes just now...
Zora sits alone. Here comes Evan. They have an awkward moment and then she doesn't appear to speak for the whole 9 minute segment. But then those shots of her on camera just speak volumes, don't they? A picture may usually be worth a thousand words, but in Zora's case, not so much.
However, why break a habit of a show-time? She hardly spoke during the entire 6 week show.
Evan is quite well-rehearsed. "It's been one incredible journey. The time I've spent with you has been incredible. However it's been a roller coaster ride." But do roller coaster rides make him pukey sick?
He reviews their dates and how he enjoyed them, but notes that he "got mixed feelings towards the end. This doesn't sound good. I guess where I'm going with this - there are two things I need to express to you. I'm trying to find the right words. He's dumping her. I really think you're an incredible person. For sure, he's dumping her. You're no dummy, you're watching, you're very observant. This looks bad. We really enjoy each other's company. But you won't have sex with me. Something made me feel at ease around you - what a great person. Still, a bl@wjob goes a long way. You have a way and I think you know this: you care about people and you have a passion for life and you make that known. If she knows it already, why are you telling her all this like it's news? It has to be that he's trying to let her down easy I've chosen you.
WHOA!! What kind of weird speech was THAT? I mean, was I the only one who thought she was getting dumped? Spoilers have been wrong before, as we know.
So now it's time to get to the Truth Telling. He says, "It's gonna be somewhat of a relief and it will let you know me better as a person. Cuz I can see how spending 3.4 hours total in 6 weeks might not have accomplished that goal I don't have 50 million dollars. I don't have $50,000. there might be some spare change in the sofa at home
I'm sorry I lied to you but I wanted to find someone who loved me for who I am and not what I may or may not have. Actually, that was well put. Who scripted this speech? If that's something you are happy with and accept then come to the ballroom tonight and give me your answer." And if she's not happy with it, is she just supposed to leave? Is she supposed to show up to tell him to take a hike? And will we be shown him hiking?
Zora looks happy, then thoughtful. I wonder what she's wondering. Is she thinking about her sick aunt? Evan voices-over that he hopes she can forgive him for lying to her. I think some of the viewers are hoping that she can't. We were promised shocks, and I'm not feeling the electricity here.
Hello Goodbye Sarah
Back to the chateau with 'pondering' music. Ponder, ponder, ponder. While Zora ponders, Sarah putters. Putter, putter, putter. Paul asks her to come see Evan in the Salon (Note: not the Grand Salon - it's only grand if you're the winner.) Was that supposed to be a big ole spoiler staring us in the faces all along - that she grabs her coat and bag? She still has her multitudinous baggage to gather.
As Paul seats Sarah and offers refreshment, I wonder if the twist is that Evan will say the same thing to Sarah? We aren't kept waiting long. After a bit of awkward banter, Evan says their dates have been "really neat." "Really neat" is NOT the stuff of love affairs. He can't think of a time when they didn't enjoy each other's company. Hmm. That's not how Bucky Katt reported it. "Sarah stated that she is trying to portray an image of being not high maintenance which Evan reacts to by saying she is like Martha Stewart and too uptight and not the kind of girl he would normally go out with."
"So what I'm gonna say right now might come as a shock. AhHA - so that's where that tidbit comes from. I did not inherit 50 million dollars."
He explains what he does for a living and how difficult to keep the secret.Leaving out the number of times he kept giving Zora hints Sarah wants to know if he thought that his lack of funds was something that would concern her. There's a weird jump in the clip, so there may have been more discussion on the matter? Who knows, who cares? For all we know, Evan just drops his bomb. "I haven't chosen you. I just had a really good time." As in, thanks for the laughs and the slurpy-fun, now shove off.
To give her credit, Sarah looks stunned for only a second, recovers and manages to squeak out a graceful reply. "It's been an adventure, absolutely." They hug, he leaves, she looks sad, then philosophical. She must be hoping that the producers haven't aired her confident claims that this game is hers, Evan is hers, etc etc. HAA HA.
Evan explains that he felt they weren't right for each other because he finally woke up to the fact that Sarah was into "Joe Millionaire" and not Joe Marriott. Apart from the fact that she doesn't know Joe Marriott from a hole in the ground in the woods, I get his point. Hell, I've been yelling that at him for the past 3 episodes.
While another tedious ad break airs, I want to say that I do think Joe wasn't a liar on every level. Yes, he withheld a crucial piece of information, but he didn't put on airs and pretend he was into fancy clothes or fancy food. He tried new things, and for a lunk he's got an interesting-enough way about him and he does speak well. Even for a non-lunk he speaks well.
I do wonder, however, who will be scripting Real Life for Zora and Evan.
Back at the chateau, Melissa has returned. Sarah just seems the sort who requires a lady-in-waiting to help her lady-sh!t pack and Melissa is perfect for the role. Learning the truth about the $50 mil, Melissa is all "wha?" Then she wants to know if the necklaces are real. Sarah laughs and says she should have asked. They keel over, South-Park style, laughing hysterically.
The two harpies enjoy being reunited. This is one of the best bits of the entire season.
Melissa does a crappy job mimicking Evan, but Sarah is edging away from hysterical laughter towards plain hysteria.
Melissa: "Money doesn't give you charm and class." Sarah: "It takes some nerve." Sarah says Evan didn't say why he didn't pick her. Well, Sarah, not to your face, but he told us figuring you'd get to hear it later, when you and he were in separate parts of the country. He didn't say so, but I think he thinks your reaction to being dumped after putting out might be less than ladylike.
Suddenly the sound goes. I'm typing away and look up to realize that they're whispering and gesturing. Damn. How much did I miss? Sarah's grabbed a sock to illustrate her story, which makes me wonder if they used a sock as a condom. Luckily Captions Man is on the Job. Sarah asks Melissa if her elimination was because she slurped, smacked, gulped. "Do you think it made me look stupid? Because of the (meaningful glance)?"
Melissa's answer is to say, well what about Mojo and her gift, her stupid-ass poem and a puzzle with a picture of herself? Sarah isn't convinced that that is worse than her 'kissing' him. She says, "Thank god that was (subtitled) off camera." haha - hooho. Maybe the woods encounter was off-camera, but it wasn't off-microphone. Wouldn't you have loved to have seen Sarah watching this show, especially the subtitled episode and this one? Do you think she had the chutzpah to invite a whole bunch of family & friends to watch with her?
Finally, Sarah is all packed and Melissa helps her carry her stuff downstairs. Zora runs to look out her garret window. I think she was just checking to make sure they really were going.
Parting shot from Melissa, "Thing with Zora is, she doesn't handle manipulation well. How will Zora be after she realizes that she's been lied to?"
Happily Evan Afters
Zora goes for a walk. Evan puts on real clothes. Zora's walking. Evan dresses himself, so good thing Zora's walk is taking so long. "Zora is very unpredictable in the way that she thinks," Oh, look at Evan multi-tasking, talking and dressing at the same time.
Doomsday music. Evan "really really" hopes Zora shows up. Zora is walking so I am starting to really really hope that she doesn't. How mean. Oh, looking good - she's packing. The music asks me to feel sad because Zora is packing. Why? The show is over and no matter what is decided, it's time to leave. As the song says, "I don't care where you go but you can't stay here." Camera pans to reveal a mysterious-looking white car in the front drive. Enough with the hinting, the undertones and the damn secrets already.
Evan and Paul pace in the ballroom. Has Zora packed and departed in the white car, or is she coming? To fill in time, Evan yakks up another idiotic storm. "Out of all the girls, I think that Zora 'gets' me. I think she appreciates me and I think I really understand her. I think she might shoot me down, if she shows up tonight."
Now how the hell much sense did that speech make? If he thinks Zora appreciates him, then why does he say he thinks she'll shoot him down? Obviously it was a bad idea dragging this out for the extra couple of crapisodes. They needed to edit more carefully, make a tighter ending and lose all the extra guff and fluff.
Paul & Evan wait. Gosh, isn't it nerve-wracking? It's just like on While You Were Out, as the one who decorated waits nervously for the Duped One to return to see the transformation. Okay, finally camera pans over to the entrance. Paul is standing around with his monocle (?) Paul has a monocle?
Zora enters wearing a blue dress. Is it the same blue dress from the Ball? As I may have mentioned I didn't watch episode 1. It is simple, elegant, in a gorgeous dark blue and it suits her.
The hairstyle, on the other hand, is dreadful. It looks as if someone had convinced her that the "in" thing is to toss bits of hair here and there, some pinned up, some thrown over her head, some hanging down. It couldn't have looked worse if she'd gotten up from a long nap and just put on her dress and said "I'm ready." She should have just brushed her hair and pulled it back with a barrette.
Evan says, "Glad you came." (Hey, slow down, that's for later.) Zora says, this is really difficult." (translation: appearing in public with my hair like this has freaked me out.)
Zora's turn to make a speech. "One of the qualities that kept me interested in you was that you seemed really genuine. You said 'trust me,' and I trusted you. When I heard the news, it felt like you had deceived me. So she's not mentally challenged, after all. ... I made it abundantly clear, I am really grateful for experiencing this journey. I kind of have some regrets. What does that comment have to DO with anything? Regrets about what? The good news is that I was turned off by the fact that you had inherited that 50 million. After spending time with you I was pleasantly surprised to discover so many wonderful qualities. I would like to continue the journey with you." awww - come on - awwwww. I should have bet some money on the outcome.
Evan then presents Zora with a ring as a promise. She is all giggly, but it's cute. Except she suddenly looks really homely and plain. More champagne, no complaints from Evan. What happened to "if I never drink another glass of champagne it'll be too soon"? Zora proposes a toast, "To the journey after France."
Oh, isn't this sweet? Look, here is Paul. What does he want? Hey, he's got a tray and a speech of his own to deliver. What, after all that cognac? "Evan you are to be congratualted for choosing the woman who truly has the real love for simple unfettered lifestyle. True love is a great treasure, with love in your hearts. All good fairytales have a bit of magic. Zora, because you were able to accept Evan for who he really is, I can now make you and Evan instant thousandaires. (He really said millionaires, but one million between the two of them isn't actually making them both millionaires. Okay, I'm quibbling.)
Evan gasps. Zora's eyes bug out. Evan turns several shades of red. It was a massive secret. Zora has $189 in her bank account. Zora says it's totally completely 100% overwhelming. Evan asks her to dance. These two ARE perfect for each other. She has a host of imaginary animals and he brings the imaginary orchestra.
The fairytale dream comes true! Zora asks if she can kiss him - and they have a lovely kiss. "Wait a minute," says Evan, "you just asked to kiss me?" She shuts him up by kissing him some more. Zora in an interview, "Life doesn't get any better, I can't believe I'm hearing myself say this, but I do believe in fairytales." This was so sweet I felt diabetes coming on.
The happy couple smooch, and smile and dance slowly in their big empty silent ballroom.
No, not quite. Apparently there's more mileage to be wrung out of this sucker yet. Next week Evan and Zora are reunited for the first time since going their separate ways after leaving the chateau. The Aftermath. I don't know if I can watch but what's one more hour? Can someone else recap?
Sorry that was so long. Edited to make it longer.