Four Dates and a
(Taps mic) Is this thing on? (Crickets)
Ok kiddies, have some Kool-Aid and Valium, this will all be over before you know it.
Previously on FLOM4: The men channeled the likes of Dali, Picasso, and my nephewís kindergarten class to win a date with Rachel, and a chance to swap checks. Let me explain. No let me sum up. Morgan wins the date, horrifies Rachel as he attempts to break the Guiness record for kissing with his eyes open, switches his dollar check with Calebís million dollar one, but not before Rachel causes a glitch in the matrix when she lets it slip she has met the host, Chris was eliminated (huge surprise there), and we have four men left.
We begin this weekís episode with the men discussing how the tension has rose in the house, as Morgan sprays more hairspray in his hair than I even did attempting to attain the ďMadonnaĒ style in 8th grade. The host arrives and tells the tale of the dayís events.
Today is the day for a chance for more time
To spend with a lady whose hair is so fine
Four dates there will be, but there is a twist
If you are not picked, you will not be kissed.
Tough luck if that happens, itíll sure feel like hell
Just hope Rachel remembers your face on her cell.
The men go to the TV room, where there is a clock displayed. They should have set the clock to military time, that would have been fun and Rachel might have pulled the rest of her hair out. The first date will be announced at 9, when Rachel will synchronize her cell phone with one of the satellites orbiting Jupiter, beaming the selected manís picture to the menís TV.
After a nail-biting montage of the men chewing their nails while Rachel scrolls through her cell phone, trying to find that breakout game. Mikeís picture is revealed to the men, and he sets off for his date. After he leaves, Morgan reveals to the other guys that Mike made out with Rachel, as he denies his own exchange of spit with her.
In the limomobile, Mike and Rachel engage in a battle of the witless as she tries to elicit info, like trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip I tell you. The date isÖ lawn bowling? Apparently this activity requires a change into light colored clothing, which must be necessary so they donít lose each other. Apparently these peeps do not know that Mike could find Rachel even if she was in the federal witness protection program. Mike jokes and calls Rachel a hustler, immediately leading to Rachel panicking that those pics were taken when she was young and trying to make a penny.
Itís almost noon, time for the next date announcement, and the men congregate in front of the boob tube and stare at the clock, as we predictably are taken to a commercial break.
The next date goes toÖ David, who ponders getting romantical with Rach as he rides to his
doom date. When Mike returns, Caleb confronts him about the make out session with Rachel. Mike states he wouldnít call it making out, as we are shown flashbacks from the tonsil hockey and I throw up. Again. Sorry bout that.
David and Rachelís date is rollerblading. I wait for one of them to bust, some burst of happiness and hope, but apparently noone likes me enough to fulfill a simple dream. A carefully placed twig on the sidewalk would have done fine. Instead, the two finish and have a picnic. Again we are shown that Rachelís strategery is based on paranoia and dollar signs. Rather, more than a dollar signs.
Back at the house, the men again gather and watch the clock as Morgan begins to grab a clue that he may not get a date with Rachel. The clock tick, tick, ticks, and guess what? Yep. You know what time it is.
Caleb gets the next date, a wine tasting. Finally, the element of alcohol is added. Which is probably good for Caleb, as he musters up enough guts to become the last guy in the house to kiss Rachel. Brava Caleb! You have now joined the ranks of possibly hundreds of stupid men.
At the house, David spills that he made out with Rachel, and that she started it. Morganís eyebrows disappear as a shocked look crosses his face. I donít like Morgan anymore. I thought he was smart, but apparently liplocking with Rachel while keeping his eyes open turned his brain into stone.
In the limo, Rachel tries to get Caleb to make out with her. Caleb, having some brains, plays hard to get, but then his brain turns to stone too as he gives Rachel what she wants. He kept his eyes closed though, so maybe there is hope. I realize there is no hope as I look at MY clock and realize Iím only at the halfway point.
The final date is revealed. Mike is chosen because Rachel needs to squeeze that turnip some more. They eat dinner as David looks for a straightjacket for Morgan, who has been in the house ALL day, which apparently makes some people go mental. Me, I have RTVW for that.
Rachel asks Mike to join her in the Jacuzzi, as the men try to figure Rachel out. Guys, itís not too hard. She wants the money, and the Guiness record for kissing the most men. I take a Dramamine while Rach and Mike make out in the jacuzzi. Next week Iím going to get an IV of Phenergan or something, this nausea is killing me.
Elimination time. Rachel thanks all the men for their contributions towards her Guiness goal.
DavidÖ is safe.
I decide that Iíll let the commercials run, so I can ponder that Morgan has the last million dollar check, and how the producers are going to slip another check swap-exchange in. Ok enough of that.
Rachel blabbers on to Morgan, as Mikeís face distorts into expressions I didnít think were possible. I need to find out what blush he uses too, so I never get that garish color. Oh, Morgan is eliminated.
We are left with Rachel gushing to Mike, and Iím feeling sick again. Until Morgan burns the million dollar check.
Next week: the finale. Rachel cries.
An IceCat/Mon Cherie Production
"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."