Previously on FLOM 4: Andrea and Rachel further sought to extend their 15 minutes of fame by returning to the big pretty house for a second chance at love or money. 15 male victims were introduced, poor wittle Rachel thought she was doomed as many of the men were captivated by the spell cast by Andrea’s eye shadow. Things looked bad for Rachel, but we all know how editing works. Surprise, surprise, she got the majority of the men’s votes, and Andrea and her entourage are back in their Hummer limos as fast as they got there. Which is great for FLOM summary writers, as Rachel is tastier fodder for us.
This week’s episode begins with Mike ($250,000) and Josh ($500,000) revealing how much their checks are worth to each other. This would be nothing more than a pissing match if it weren’t foreshadowing for the episode’s first event: an auction for a dream date with Rachel, using the money from their checks. Bidding starts at $25,000 dollars. Too bad, you guys with the dollar checks. Don’t lose hope, there’s a lady named Bunny in my neighborhood who will love you for a long time for a dollar. And some crack, or Krispy Kremes, same thing. Our loverly host tells the men that on this date, they will present Rachel with a $500,000 dollar diamond necklace. How wonderful to throw diamonds at swine.
The auction begins. With the dollar store gang ineligible for the auction, Josh and Chris start the battle, with Chris almost winning until Mikey bids $150,000. Mikey starts to feel confident, until Alex outbids him. Mike’s not going down so fast. He bids $200,000. Josh bids $225,000. Mikey looks at Josh. Et tu, Josh? Mike bids his entire check. Will Josh out bid him? The suspense is killing me. Until I realize that these guys are bidding enormous amounts of cash for a date with… Rachel. Yeah, I understand all about strategy and what-not, but now I’m scared. Somebody hold me. I’m actually thankful for the commercial break.
The suspense is over- Josh bids $275,000 and Mike is out. Mike says if he had a million dollar check he would bet the whole thing. I would bet a million that he has several restraining orders against him. The guy is creepy and obsessed. Now, this is entertainment!
The next super exciting event is a group date with Mike, Alex, Chris, and Rachel’s flat hair. They play volleyball at the beach, as Rachel tries to make each one feel special so she can be rich, rich in love of course (weak!). Rachel has some one on one time with Alex, both of them trying to act genuine is like watching Courtney Love trying to act like she’s sane. Then it’s Mike’s turn, as he and Rachel attempt to delve into the kiddie pools of each other’s psyche. So Chris gets no alone time either? He probably put the cameramen to sleep.
Back at the house after the date, Mike tries to cool off in the hot tub. He calls Josh a ##### cause he knew how much money they each had, and by golly Josh should have given up his strategy and let Mikey win. At this point Mike is reminding me of a real-life version of Bryce’s stalker act on Joe Schmo. Whiny crybaby who will stick you with a lawn dart to get what he wants. Josh tries to play off that he doesn’t remember how much money Mike had, too bad he doesn’t get the flashback to the episode’s opening scene like we do.
I have never been so happy for commercials. I’m not even fast-forwarding my tape. I’m considering pause or stop to drink some shots cause I am bored as shizznit.
The next group date is with Rudy, Caleb, David, Morgan, and Rachel’s flat hair again. It’s Casino night! It’s all fun and games until Rachel says she’s a game player, and the whole world goes into slow motion as Rachel tried to back pedal. She pulls Rudy ($1,000,000) aside for some alone time, after which Rudy confesses to the camera that what he likes most about Rachel is her million-dollar smile. More foreshadowing perhaps? Caleb ($1,000,000) spends time in the hot seat as Rachel tries to extract some type of interest from him, she thinks he’s playing the “I don’t care” card but really, I don’t think he cares. I know I don’t.
Morgan ($1) saves Rachel’s, and my, night. He’s cute and funny, and why is he still single? Why is he on this show? I hope it’s for the money, because if he makes it to the end and chooses Rachel I’ll have to put him on my stupid list. The conversation is too short, and the group reconvenes to gamble some more, for the bestest prize of the evening! A ride home with Rachel alone! How fun! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz……
Ok, I am using fast forward on the commercials now. I don’t know how much more excitement I can take.
All the men bet all their chips for the ride home, and David ($1) wins, as he sweeps Rachel (literally) off her feet and carries her to the limo. She’s not too heavy cause her hair is so flat.
Back at the house, Josh prepares for his dream date with Rachel and they are off to some ballroom at a ritzy hotel. Which brings me to an important public service announcement: Ladies, when you are going on a special, dressy date, it’s not good to look like you just woke up and put an Armani gown on. Yes, natural can be pretty, but it wouldn’t hurt to say, put some lipstick on or fix up your hair at the very least. Josh presents her with the necklace. Can someone please explain to me this necklace thing? Oh wait, I get it. It’s like those DeBeers commercials, where your love is as big as the diamonds you are given. The two eat, and dance, and I’m FF through commercials again.
On the way home in the limo, Josh begins to kiss Rachel, who stops him because she is feeling “mauled”. Oops! She remembers the money, and fawns over Josh, further proving that money is more important than sending out a message than refusing uncomfortable physical contact. Back at the house, the men are full of questions as Josh returns. Josh admits he kissed Rachel, as Mike once again shoots daggers from his eyes and goes to look for a knife.
Rachel is given the opportunity to find out the amount of one of the men’s checks. Looks of skepticism, confusion, and vapidness fall across Rachel’s face as she decides.
Commercial comment: Bob, I’m really glad you’re happy, and you are making your friends and wife happy, but one Enzyte commercial a break is more than enough. Really.
Rachel chooses Mike’s check, which we all know is worth 250,000, since he has been reminding everyone any chance he can get, especially that bastige Josh. Now Rachel is concerned about Mike’s intentions, is he for love or money? Rach, I think I can safely say that he would choose you over the money. And he will never, ever let you go. Not even to the bathroom.
Time for the eliminations. Morgan is safe. Rachel gushes. Rudy’s gone. Rachel rolls her eyes. David is safe. More gushing. Chris safe, more gushing. I’m feeling nauseous, and we’re only halfway through. Alex is…. I dunno. Rachel gushes until we cut to another, and hopefully, our last commercial.
Rachel tells Alex she sees him as more of a friend, and he is gone. Rach tries to look sad. Mike is eliminated, and goes on a bloody rampage. Sorry, I dozed off. Mike is safe. Suspense builds as Caleb and Josh are the remaining two with one elimination left. Caleb is safe, as the men’s jaws drop. Rachel tells Josh the action in the limo made her uncomfortable, and he is off to find another girl to maul.
Next week on FLOM 4: Skeet shooting. The men are bafflingly falling for Rachel, who makes a slip, unfortunately not on anything concrete.
An IceCat/Mon Cherie Production
"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."