I’m reminded of the Love Boat when I hear that theme song. Just thought I’d share.
Previously… shocking twist. Values range between $1 and $1 million. 6 are left. Preston knows the check amounts. There were dates, exclusions, private dates, kisses… 4 more were eliminated. 6 are left.
Rachel, PJ, Rebekah, Andrea, Jamie, and Ali
So they’re talking trash, and then arrives Mr. Host. There’s something they need to discuss. Oh wait a minute… the twist of the twist! Preston knows! He even knows the amounts! And now they know he knows. But he doesn’t know they know he knows. Get it? Good.
He gives them advice. Think about your dates. How were they? Did he use you? Abuse you? Well, enjoy your weekend.
Now the girls think he’s playing the game to win their money. So… maybe they’re playing for money but he’s playing THEM to win THEIR money. Follow?
This show is making my head hurt today.
Commercial. Thank goodness. I need to sort all this out.
We’re back. No, I haven’t sorted it out yet. Did you think one little commercial break would be enough time? This hurts more than the typical conversations I overhear in the middle school. Like, she goes, and OHMYGOD, and, like, okay…
Oh, how cute does that Garfield movie look? No, it doesn’t. It’s kinda creepy to have all humans and a CGI cat. Oh, and a real dog. Nope, Odie’s not CGI. I just thought it was weird and I’m not sure why the whole world’s against me on this one… back to business.
The girls talk about the possibility that he’s playing for love. Not money. Because, really, he could be playing for love… or money.
The girls arrive in the parlor and they each have to place a heart or a dollar sign next to the pictures of the girls that they think are here for love… or money.
PJ thinks Rebekah is playing for love. She thinks Rachel is in it for money.
Jamie is up. She concurs that Rachel is in it for money. She picked PJ for love.
Andrea picks Ali for love, and Rachel for money.
Rachel complains that they all picked her. (UM? She’s not exactly quiet about her wants here.)
Ali picks Jamie for heart. She also picks Rachel for dollar sign.
Rachel puts heart on PJ. Dollar on Jamie, because Preston finds her attractive.
Rebekah picks Rachel for dollar and PJ for heart.
PJ and Rachel get picked forward. They’re there for love or money, only, according to the other girls. They each win a date with Preston. They get the chance to learn the value of the check. Whoever wins the coin toss will learn the amount. The coin is in the air… and… and… commercial.
This was the longest commercial break in history. And I don’t mean that metaphorically, like the suspense was killing me so badly that I felt glaciers were moving by outside my door. There were really a LOT of commercials here. I think I wasted a good few minutes fast forwarding, so I can only imagine how much it upset me on the first go. No, I don’t remember. It’s been a long week.
Finally, the show returns. The coin goes up (again)… and… and… and… Heart! PJ gets to see how much she’s worth. You know we were all pulling for Rachel, but that would’ve made us too happy, and she would’ve bailed out of the show too soon, thereby leaving the boring rest of them. So, of course it was PJ. She finds out how much she’s playing for, and he tells them ALL. Oh, come on. You remember. It was $25K. And *I*’m the stoner. Pshaw.
PJ gets to switch her check with anyone’s. Uh oh… what will she do? She keeps it, to prove to everyone that she’s in it for the love, not the money. Rachel is glad she didn’t trade with her because PJ’s check is “crappy.”
The rest of them are going on group dates. Arrives the limo. The girls are discussing how it’s fair to go on this group date as they ride around in this limo. Andrea is thinking straight. There are no alliances in FLOM. Duh.
Preston looked good. They all sit down on this straw mat in a glass shack and eat out of cardboard containers.
Jamie goes for a walk with him. He asked her questions. She likes funny guys. Funny like a clown. Here to amuse you. Jamie isn’t sure he’s worth a million dollars even though he’s cute and all that.
Preston pulls Andrea out. She’s very affectionate. Read: slutty. She touches him all over. He can’t keep this PG-13 because she’s evil. Stay away, devil woman! So they walk back. She’s all on him, and he looks a little uncomfortable, actually, as they arrive back in view of the other women.
Ali is ready to quit. She’s the only one worth a mil, and he sees no chemistry with her. Why does he off all the millionaires? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to steal the money from them? Did I make that up? I’m confused as to how this works now.
So they get back and Rachel is asking a billion questions. The girls are annoyed with her intense questioning. I am, too, but I thoroughly enjoy the trash-talking the girls do in their confessionals about her. What I don’t get is why they don’t just tell her to her face. I need to see a good catfight. Then my day will be made.
And it’s morning. The girls aren’t talking as much ans being very friendly. They all are pulling against Rachel. He says he’s the most comfortable with her out of everyone. He arrives to pick her up for their date. Did he say he missed her? Ick.
He gives her flowers that are for Bob and Kay. But we don’t know who they are. So… where –are- they going? Hmmm…
They make icky small-talk and then start kissing. Now Rachel isn’t sure if he likes her, or if he wants the money. Then she got all excited… wow… “I must have a big ol’ check.”
So they get to the place, and it’s a 62nd weddning anniversary party for Bob and Kay. They give the flowers. They dance with the oldest people alive on earth today.
Aww. Rachel’s only worth a dollar, but he really likes her. Again… aww.
Rachel had fun today. Bleh. Yeah, right. It must’ve stunk like old people. She probably wants to run home and sanitize it all off.
So they talk some more. I’m bored. She gets back to the house and it’s her mission to make everyone jealous. Or, that’s the byproduct of whatever her real intentions were. She lies about having kissed him. Then she says she wishes he would’ve given her a little tongue. I’m not even kidding. She really said this. Of course, it was to her own gorgeous reflection and well out of earshot of the other girls. So I’m assuming. But she definitely said it. *shudder*
Okay. I’ve returned from sanitizing MYself, and it’s time for PJs date. Yowza. She looks hot. She goes out to the limo and Precious Preston was in the limo. He’s pretty sure PJ would pick him over money. They watch ballet. Alone. In a theater. Way up close. So they dancers would notice if they fell asleep. Which is what would happen if I were on that date. He says this is amazing. Yeah right. Boring. And? The male dancer’s tights violated MY PG-13 line. So there’s no way Preston was into that.
They smooch a little. Then PJ turns away from him and doesn’t want to be kissed again. She wonders why he’s going so fast. He wonders wtf is wrong with her, and doesn’t she know he only has a few days to check out the goods, and drink the milk for free before he has to pick the cow to take home. And if she wants to spend time with him, she’d better start giving him some milk pretty soon and I mean it.
At home they are eating dinner. One of the girls brought herbal suppleents that enhance the libido. Rachel says she doesn’t need them right now.
She’s not had private time for her needs to take care of business. The girls totally freak out. They attack her and say she’s inappropriate and doing it for attention.
Well, I think they’re a bunch of prudes. But that’s just me. So Rachel goes upstairs. Ali goes up to reconcile. Now we are going to “talk about it.” Oh, goodness. So now they’re talking about their feelings. Remember this whole conversation is spawned over the fact that she wants to pleasure herself in privacy. This is ridiculous.
Rachel and Andrea are now not speaking. Rachel dones’t want to even look at her face. Good. We have something in common.
I think Preston changed his mind about booting PJ over not putting out, because she’s in it for love. So maybe he won’t get rid of her yet.
Now everyone’s all dressing up to look their best before they get the boot. Totally pointless. Like he’s gonna see her tonight and say, “oh, d@mn. Nevermind.”
PJ thinks Ali or Rebekah are going tonight.
Andrea wants Rachel gone. She’s so bitter. Yuck. I don’t like her at all.
Rachel doesn’t think she’s going.
Rebekah thinks Jamie is staying cuz he’s atracted to her.
I’m bored. I don’t want their analyses. Their opinions don’t mean anything, anyway.
They march ceremoniously down the stairs. They stand at their perches. Preston is only getting rid of one chick tonight. Dammit. I’m kind of impatient. Can you tell? I want more than one gone. Like anyone plus Andrea. She irks me.
Okay, so, he makes some lame little speech. First one called is Rebekah. He tells her she’s great and fun and stuff, and wants her to stay. So she does. But she wants one-on-one time with him. And if she’s worth money, he can totally play her like a fiddle. Which happens to work well because the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. And you just think about that in reference to buying the cow when the milk’s free. And stuff.
Okay… now Andrea. I really don’t like her. Am I alone? You guys tell me what you think. I think she reminds me of someone… someone I loathe. But who? Well, I’ll figure it out eventually, I’m sure.
She looks cross-eyed as he talks to her. He says she’s flirtatious. And forthcoming. And he asks her to stay. She smiles big and toothy, and I like her even less now. Who the heck is it? I don’t know. Someone really irksome.
Moving on… Rachel. I’ve had fun with you and stuff. He seems nervous to talk to her. I think he might actually like her. Wow. She’s staying. Thank goodness. She’s the only normal one. The rest need to be beaten off their high horses. And I think I need to rewind and check that again because did she just say… yes, yes she did. She said if things keep going this way, she wouldn’t want the money, she’d want to be with him. Rachel said this. Wow. And please tell me she’s lying because I want her to have hated that retirement home bash as much as normal people should. And now I’m kind of concerned that she really meant she was, indeed, actually having fun at that thing, and not just trying to make the other girls jealous. Kill me now.
Now who? Is he going to throw away the million, or throw away the girl who won’t put out? Or that other girl that bores me to tears? We’ll see after this commercial.
He counts his time in Rachels. He knew, after Rachel, he was halfway home.
PJ. He wants her to know it was nice of her to put out a little extra than she normally would’ve for him. You know, because he’s got such little time. And he thinks he can make it even farther with her if she’ll just stick around. She makes the aloof face, like maybe she’ll think about it… and she stays. Naturally. Her plan is to be aggressive. Oh, this should be good.
Jamie’s turn. Is he really tall or are they all short? Or standing on the floor? And he’s on a platform? I’m confused.
He’s getting rid of Jamie. She’s a hottie, and he’s right. His friends back home are going to thik he’s totally insane. He picked her because she was hot, though. He can’t have a girl that’s prettier than he is. That’s the first rule of the up and coming metrosexual future supastar reality TV DAW.
Ali. She’s sophistocated. Stay. Duh. Only one can go.
Well, that was that, then. He dismisses them. And he’s excited because now it’s time for one on one with the girls. Of course. He wants more milk.
Okay, so Jamie goes to see what she’s worth while the others drink champagne. Jamie said they were both unreal. She finds out she was worth 250K. She thought for sure she was the $1. But she’s not disappointed because she was there foir love, not money, anyway.
Preston talks about this stupid romantic fantasy about how they fall in love and blah blah blah. I don’t now I was bored. So I stopped listening.
Then they did the Next Time thing, and people get jealous, and people are angry, and people are falling for him, and people are going to steam up my set next week. So they claim. Didn’t they promise me a girlfight this week. Yeah. So I wouldn’t hold my breath for that steamy moment, either.
The one interesting line was Preston, saying something to the effect of believing his future wife is one of these girls. That’s so reminiscent of Trista and Ryan that I really need to excuse myself for a moment to gag in the corner I peace and needy alone time.
Okay, so that was just a ruse. I just wanted my alone time. *blush* I suppose you’re all going to polay prude on me now and pretend I’m Oh So Disgusting for even bringing it up. Fine. Go talk about me while I go upstairs… just wait a few minutes before you come check if I’m all right. I need some more alone time. Stupid herbal pills…
p.s. ~ I figured out who the irksome person is that Andrea reminds me of. It’s that slutty chick from Sex and the City. What’s her name? I don’t know… but she’s dirty. And Andrea, in certain light and context, looks a little like that slutty one. Mystery solved.