Don Ho should be shotA popular mole message board is attacked by trolls...
Last week on the mole...
Heather cried Kathryn Price-style, the girls team up to oust other players, but remain totally ineffective, and the last cute guy is exectued. Bummer.
Anderson Cooper: Tonight, the molerons get bugged at a fun-house gross-out...
Anderson Cooper: And, one unlikey DAW kisses his 15 minutes of fame goodbye.
Femme: All that and more on tonight's edition of Action Mole News Tonight.
*Cue that infectious Mole Music, which, coincidentally, can be purchased here.*
Femme: Good evening, I'm Femme Blank.
Anderson Cooper: And I'm Anderson Cooper. (pause) Trolls?
Femme: Oh, yeah! You'll have to wait and see. But, first, yet another week has gone by that the remaining molerons are all tricked into unflattering, up-the-nostril, badly-lit confessions. Take a look...
Bill: blah, blah, blah, I'm the mole, blah, blah, blah...
Heather: Did I mention I'm a good liar? Do you believe me? If I'm such a great liar, am I lying about my lying abilities, or am I telling the truth about being such a good liar. If I am lying, does that mean I'm not a good liar? And if I'm not lying...
Dorothy: *grunt*, *giggle*, *rolls eyes*, *snort*
Al: Wow! I'm so lucky in life. This is it, this could be the one. I'm really lucky.
Femme: In other news, the website 'FindTheMole.com' was attacked this week by trolls, it appears. We have with a a frequent poster on the line; Bebo, can you hear me?
Bebo: Yes, I can hear you Femme.
Femme: Bebo, can you tell us what the scene looked like over there at FindTheMole.com?
Bebo: Oh, it was awful. There were bodies everywhere. Nothing but carnage all season. After that last episode, we had to deal with newbies flooding in by the dozens.
Femme: What were they doing?
Bebo: We were attacked from all sides; half of them were wanting to say "Oooooh, Bribs is so HOTT, I'm so sad he's gone. Waaaaahhh!" and the other half was starting thread after thread with "Did you see the tape on Bribs' bag? Did you see the Mole Killer can in Bribs' hand? He must be the mole!!!"
Cyclehausen: Umm, excuse me! There all a bunch of bleepity-bleeps. They keep bleeping bleeping bleep all over the bleeping place. Bleep them.
Femme: What the???
Bebo: Ah, that's cycle, another poster, our secret weapon. May be a little rough around the edges, but very effective, nonetheless. He was our go-to guy when we ousted the "We heart Rob and Bribs Psycho Fan Club" a few episodes ago.
Anderson Cooper: I hear they've since moved on to make fools of themselves in Bribs' private business website's guestbook. Thank you, Bebo, and good luck over there. Well, back to the news... Reports are trickling in that camera operators in the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists Union are on strike. In related news, tonight's first task calls for the molerons to interview one another with low-budget, shaky, hand-held cameras...
Heather and Dorothy head off together with there home video camera. Dorothy grunts, sighs, and rolls her eyes through each answer to Heather's questions.
Dorothy: *sighs* You good liar? *grunts* *rolls eyes*
Heather: Am I a good liar? Of course I am, but if I'm really lying about being a good liar, and lets say for the sake of argument that I am really a bad liar, but you believe me anyway, does that make me a good liar after all?
Cut to Bill and Al off together.
Al: What's wrong, Bill? You've been acting strange all day?
Bill: First of all, I'm not strange, I'm the mole. Secondly, I heard about you sleeping with Darwin and let me tell you, sailor, that's just sick. You sissy girl.
Al: Cool. Who do you think is the mole? I really want two guys to be in the finals. You know, I think I could go all the way...
Anderson Cooper: This just in: an 'O' was seen flashing on the map of Italy. Early speculation is pointing to this meaning Al may be the mole, since he is clearly the most obnoxious player.
Femme: Wait a minute, conflicting reports are indicating that this means Bill is the mole, since the clues pointing to him are so overwhelmingly obvious. We'll keep you filled in as new details become available to us.
Anderson Cooper: In other news, Kathryn Price is back on the DAW circuit, fulfilling her obligations as "mole" before her reign comes to an end. She stated "world peace" and "ending hunger" as her goals for her term as mole.
Kathryn Price walks in carrying a box of nasty maggots, always a surefire way to wear out your welcome. She greets each of the molerons in turn:
"Hi Heather, how you doing?"
"What's up, Dot?"
"Hey, Al, better pack your bags!"
"Hey Bill, how's all the sabotage treatin' ya?"
By the way, the next game has little to do with bugs and maggots, but since the gross-out factor has worked for every other reality show, it seems ABC just wanted to cash-in on their successes.
Before Bill's predecessor leaves, you can just make out a reflection behind her in the glass. It appears to say 'ILLBAY ISAY ILLSTAY HETAY OLEMAY' (Okay, don't anybody freak out, it's just a blatant rip-off of Dusty Bottoms' oh-so-controversial joke from his Episode 5 summary...)
Anderson Cooper: Still to come on Action Mole News Tonight, the most annoying player since Patrick is finally executed. See if you can guess who!
Anderson Cooper: So, Femme, you busy tonight?
Femme: Oh. My. Gawd, Anderson, will you just lay off already? I know you're in love with me, but really, all this attention is getting old.
Anderson Cooper: But, you're everything I want in a woman. I need you! I promise, I'll make you the happiest woman on the face of the earth.
Femme: Oh, please, as if I'd go out with you.
(Sorry, everyone, I don't know what got into me...)
Floor Manager: Okay, back in 3... 2... 1...
Anderson Cooper: Welcome back to Action Mole News Tonight
Femme: Tonight, the molerons had to revisit a game that, truthfully, wasn't much fun the first time when it was called "High Rollers". That's right, ABC deals out another dose of card-playing.
Just like the last time, 4 molerons gather around the table for a little card playing and gambling. They each get a chip worth $25,000 and, if they get the high card, they can add it to the pot or eliminate someone else from the game. They each end up with the high card in turn (Eerie coincidence, or rigged by producers? You decide.)
Bill: Now listen up, you little sissies. When you get the high card, throw your chip in before you eliminate someone. You got it? Am I clear? Are you sailors or are you little girls?
Heather: Actually, I'm a good liar...
When Dorothy gets the high card, she hesitates for a good 10 minutes, apparently not sure if she's going to add to the pot or eliminate someone.
Bill: Oh, hell, sailor, just toss in your chip. Quit trying to look like the mole. Everyone already knows I'm the mole anyway.
Al: Yeah, you better knock it off or I'm going to tell on you. Oh, when I win this game, I won't even buy you a Pepsi.
Dorothy: *grunts* What? It's my turn? Whoops! *giggles* *snorts*
Dorothy finally throws her chip in, because, like everyone else, she's afraid Bill will make her do pushups or something. They end up earning a potential $100,000 for the pot, but only if Al, Dot, and Heather spend the night in one of the rooms in Anderson's fun house. Bill is excused from this game and gets to go sleep in a big be in a fancy hotel since he's the mole.
Anderson Cooper: Coming up... roaches, snakes, and Hoes, oh my...
Femme: Did they say Anderson's fun house in that report?
Anderson Cooper: Um, yeah, it sounded like it.
Femme: They don't mean 'Anderson' as in you, do they?
Anderson Cooper: Oh no! We do have the same name, and we are almost identical, but, no, they weren't talking about me.
Femme: Phew. 'Cause that just wouldn't work to have you on the show and reporting the news, would it?
Floor Manager: Okay, back in 3... 2... 1...
Femme: It's a virtual creep-out on tonight's mole.
Anderson Cooper: *shudders* Isn't it always?
Femme: A scary night in Anderson's fun house is enough to make anyone click over to American Idol. But, will Heather, Dot, and Al keep up the charade knowing no one's watching anymore?
Dorothy is led into a cage in the center of a room and is told she has to stay inside it for at least a half an hour. As soon as Anderson leaves, giant cockroaches fall out of vents in the top of the cage. Dorothy grunts, tries to run away, hits her head on the cage's frame and is knockd unconscious until Anderson comes back to let her know time is up. She wins by default.
Heather, in the meantime, is taken to her room, empty except for a humongous man-eating python. She has to stay in the room for an unspecified amount of time. She isn't scared, but gives up after 30 seconds anyway, so she has another opportunity to tell the 3 people still watching the show what a good liar she is.
Al's room is much more intriguing; he has to lay on a metal bed and listen to Don Ho's 'Tiny Bubbles' over and over. First they play it fast, then slow, then backwards, then blah, blah, blah (I'm sure you get the idea...) For those of you who don't know the song: fu@k you! (That annoying piece of crap has been bouncing around my head for days now!)
Interestingly, ABC decides to show us tons of footage of the 'Tiny Bubbles room'. I guess they didn't figure that a game designed to ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF SOMEONE would probably annoy the hell out viewers, too.
Femme: This just in: Don Ho has been found brutally stabbed to death in his home in Hawaii. Our analysts are reporting that an angry group of molerons was seen allegedly storming the singer's home before The Mole was even over.
Anderson Cooper: *chuckles* If that's the case, they're going to be mighty disappointed that they missed the execution.
Femme: Oh, Anderson, a monkey could figure it out with all the foreshadowing tonight...
Anderson Cooper: In other news, tonight's final game involved a little creative story telling. The fun house molerons had to lie to the mole, Bill, to try and dupe him. If they are able to fool him, they'll earn $50,000 for the pot. If Bill figures them out, they get nothing, but Bill will earn an exemption - not that he needs it.
Heather: I shoud lie. I mean, I'm the good Christian girl. Hey, if I'm supposed to be the Christian girl, can I really be a liar, too? Say I'm really a good Christian who doesn't lie... But wait! I lied when I said I was a good liar, so that makes me a liar anyway, but maybe I'm lying about being a Christian...
Al: *singing, to the tune of 'Tiny Bubbles'* I won't li-e... an-y-time... I've played this game with integrity so far and I know I'll win if I just stick to my morals, so no lying for me.
Heather: Dorothy, you should lie, too, 'cause it would just be, well... funny as hell.
The molerons head off to lie to Bill the mole.
Heather: So, I stayed in the bugroom, see, but all that stuff about me being a liar? Well, that was all a lie. I'm not really lying now. I really was in the bugroom. Ok???
Al: *singing* Tiny Bubbles
Dorothy: *grunt* *sigh* *looks up and to the left 900 times* *giggles*
Bill: Well, the producers already told me who was lying, but they want my to throw this game so you wimps can earn some pity money for the pot. I think you're all sissies, but ABC is paying me, so I guess I have to do what they tell me to. It's called following orders, sailors!
Anderson Cooper: Our next story is brought to by McDonald's - not above shipping french fries and stale burgers halfway across the world for a shameless plug.
Femme: This just in: The McDonald's Corporation is suing ABC for breach of contract. It seems McDonald's paid for their name to be dropped three times during the dinner scene, but the popular fast food chain was only referred to once, and even then only as "Mickie D's". More on this story as details develop.
Anderson Cooper: Finally tonight, we bring you Action Mole's Execution Epilogue... What? Oh, this just in: The Action Mole's Execution Epilogue has been renamed McDonald's Super Size Execution Value Epilogue.
The molerons take the quiz, except Bill, who doesn't have to since he's the mole.
Question 1: What rank was the mole when he was in the Navy?
Question 2: What did the mole do during his lone night at the fancy hotel?
Question 3: What kind of physician is the mole?
Question 4: Why didn't the mole wear the diaper in 'Lotto Clothes'?
Question 5: Does the mole have any ADMIRAable traits?
Question 6: When the mole broke the gnome, what did he earn?
Question 7: What did the mole study at OSU?
Question 8: The mole likes barbershop quartets. (Not a question, just a statement.)
Question 9: Is the mole really pregnant, or does he just look like he is?
Question 10: Is Bill the mole?
b. Of course
Quiz done, the remaining players and Bill the mole file in to sit down.
Al: Before we get started, I just want to say I'm sorry one of you has to go home tonight. I wish you could be there when I win the game.
Anderson: *rolls his eyes* Enough! It's so painfully obvious! I'm not entering your names tonight. Al, you're Bill's 11th victim. Get your own bag, the car's out front. No, not the limo: it was booked. It's a NAVY blue Yugo. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Al leaves, all 3 people watching cheer excitedly, and Anderson asks the remaining molerons, "Are you the mole?"
Dorothy: *grunts* *giggles* *rolls her eyes*
Heather: No, I'm not the mole. But, I could be lying, I'm a really good liar.
Bill: Of course I am; what are you: some kind of idiot?!
Anderson Cooper: And, that does it for another edition of Action Mole News Tonight.
Femme: Here's some stories in the works for next week:
*Dorothy does something besides grunt, sigh and roll her eyes in her confession.
*Heather realizes she sucks at lying when she goes home empty handed.
*Bill is revealed as the mole.
Anderson Cooper: Goodnight.