LAST EDITED ON 07-29-02 AT 09:33 AM (EST)Valley of the Dolls, or Dungeons and Bubbles
When I agreed to do a MOLE summary, I thought it would be a regular episode--not a combination smorgishboard of Night Gallery, Fear Factor, and Judge Judy!!!!
When we start out with the obligatory recap. Bribs--my favourite player has been *sniff* E-X-E-C-U-T-E-D
Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Thankfully he's really alive. Bribs Hon, if you're reading this, you can kiss me anytime *swoon*, and you can reach me at my email addy @ . . .
Oh sorry; guess I got a little but carried away there.
We are now down to the Final Four--Pappy, Kathy, Neleh, and Deceptia . . . Oh wait a minute--wrong show.
Sorry, must.stop.smoking., whatever Don Ho was.
anyways . . .the Final 4:
#1: Dorothy--the Risk Taker
#2: Al--the Kissing Bandit
#3: Bill--the human tranquillizer
#4: Heather--the blushing bride
Well, the show opens with the 4 molerons having some sort of snack.
First, we get Bryant Gumbal style interviews:
Dr. Phil/Heather (to Dorothy): How does it feel to be one of the four remaining players?
Dorothy (to Dr. Heather, removes her glasses in shock): Yah, I guess you/Bill/The MOLE must like me . . .must really, really like me.
Sally Field/Dorothy (to Heather): Is Mr. Blue Eyes a good provider? Dorothy (blushing), what I meant to say is, are you a good liar?
Of course, I'll believe you, if you deny it--Duh!
Can't ABC come up with better dialogue than the person, who was responsible for all of the Oscar's high--&--lowlights?
Heather (to Dot): Of course, I'm an excellent golddigger, I've had a lot of practice, although you couldn't tell by this vending-machine engagement ring!!
That's why I need to WIN this thing, or get an exemption--whatever comes first.
Heather (to Dot): Are YOU the mole? Are you as blind as me without your glasses on?
Dorothy (to Heather): Are we in Kansas, yet? Of course, I'm not the MOLE, and Coop--sure-as-hell ain't no wizard!!!!
Al (to Bill): What's your stategy, or--please mess up on the quiz, cuz I don't have a snowball's-chance-in-hell at winning this thing.
ZZZBill (to Al, laughing demonically): I'll take the 5th; they do allow that in court martials, don't they?
Bill (to Al): What's your stategy, Bozo? Why am I asking him this *rollseyes*?
Next Supercoop announces that there will be a surprise, and before you can shout: Holey Moley, MentalMuffin!!!!; in walks last year's Femme Fatale/MOLE, attourney Katherine Price.
The lovely former Miss Mole is seductively clad in a long black evening gown that Gwyneth Paltrow might envy, and brings the MOLERONS a lovely little gift.
She gives the box to Al in retaliation for trying unsuccessfully to kiss her, and before you can say the word, BANE, tiny worms start crawling out from their confined quarters.
Al: There's frigging maggots in here!!
Bill checks the box for clues, just like a little boy digging in a crackerjackbox box, looking for the prize.
Al: I wouldn't eat those bugs for $100,000--Uhh Al, wrong show--Duh!
ZZZBill can't understand what all the fuss is about; he would gladly down those Szechwan worms for $100,000, an exemption, or because he can't wait for lunch.
One of the slimy worms jumps into one of the contestant's waterglass, and unlike Bill--can swim!
Next, we are wisked off to The Addams Family's House of horrors.
Anderson says his mother built it for him when he was just a wee tyke, and continued to nurse him until age 4.
He asks them if they like his dolls--surprisingly, they're not the blow-up kind.
The dolls--all with haunting blue eyes--frighten Heather. She yells at one: Stop looking at me like that, you harlot!!
Yeah that's right, MS. anti-Mary Magdalene actually called a doll, a harlot.
They then play one of Coop's favourite games, using a deck of cards. The winner gets to spend the night in a hotel; the losers, in The Lawrence Welk Zoo.
The Molerons each get a chip worth $25,000. They all agree to wait until everyone anties up, before anyone gets kicked out. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Al, Bill, and Heather win the first few rounds and make an ATM deposit. When Dorothy wins, she hesitates, which surprise!, makes unlucky-at-cards-Al, mad; So Dot captitulates, and surrenders the dough.
First Al wins--breathes/knocks out Dorothy.
Next, Heather torpedoes Al *sob*.
Finally, Bill deep sixes Heather with his snoring.
Bill wins-Yay! Wunerful, wunerful; *yawn*--that was me *grin*.
He--as planned--gets to spend the night at the Bates Motel.
1st up: Dorothy. She has to make nice in a cage with cute cockroaches for 30 minutes, which keep pouring down on her. Then the lights go out. She screams:
Auntie Em, Auntie Em, where are you?
With stoic courage, she somehow manages to brave the little monsters.
2nd up: Al. He must lay on a metal bed all night listening to Lawrence Welk. Bubbles start to float above him in his jacuzzi/bed, and Hawaiian Legend (in his own mind), Don Ho sings the Grammy-nominated Tiny Bubbles, all night.
The song is played: slow, fast,loud, soft, forward, in Satanic reverse, and stuttered. I guess this Ho's career isn't going too well. The tiny bubbles and the song keep Al awake. He finally leaves to visit the 2 other guinea pigs at 8:00am. in the mourning.
3rd up: Heather. She must spend the night with a python--insert sexual joke, here. You would imagine that this would be easy for deceitful Eve, but noooh!! Once the lights are switched off, she runs screaming out of her room to protect her *cough* *ahem* chastity *cough*.
Shaken, she falls asleep in Barbie's fun house, shortly followed by Skipper/Dorothy, and then--much later by sleep-deprived Ken/Al.
Now, guess who happily enters the room with his girls, the 3 players, and his girls, but jolly sadist Cooper. Did I remember to mention, his girls?
He taunts Al who feels like Don Ho sang--apparently strung-out on drugs--singing . . . what else but the hit that made that Ho a superstar, Tiny Bubbles.
Next, he thrills the 4 MOLERONS including well-rested Norman/Bill, with the rules of their next game--which involves more lying!.
ZZZBill gets to play Snooze/Lie Detector. The other 3 must fool
counterfeit Bill, in order to add another $50,000 to the pot; they lost it when Eve/Heather refused to let the snake--no, not her sleazy finance--have its way with her.
The Rules: 2 players must lie, the other, tell the truth.
Dorothy goes 1st. Al, 2nd, and Heather, 3rd. Dorothy and Heather switch stories; Al sticks to his.
Since Bill didn't get to see Al's hellish abode, and Dorothy couldn't beat Survivor Marqueses--4's ZZZZZZoe at poker; Led Detector Bill, guesses wrong, and declares deceitful Heather, the truth-teller. Another $50,000 is added to the pot.
They go to dinner, and much to Bill's disapointment, it isn't maggot chop suey, but a Happy Meal with a Big Mac, a large serving of fries, and a coke--not what The Ho took while recording his masterpiece.
They all then take the dreaded QuizEXECUTION TIME
Then the sentimental *sniff* Al memories--through the corners of my eye.
Next, the equally predictable, obligatory, who-is-the-MOLE speech.
Heather: No . . . you snake *giggle*
Bill: No . . . more worm-fried noodles?
Dorothy: No? . . . but I clicked my heels 3 times!!
ZZZBill unsuccessfully attempts to spray Heather with Bribs fool-proof MOLE Killer,
but has no luck--unlike dear-departed-Al *snicker*.
Is this because Heather just-washed-her-hair-and-can't-do-a-thing-with-it, and therefore couldn't possibly the MOLE?, or
Is it because the stuff is about as effective as Congress?
The players have their last supper/QUIZ.
ZZZBill says he knows who the MOLE is. Good work there, Sherlock
Having failed to receive one single exemption, poor Heather feels beaten down. Wow! It's not Mole Killer, folks, but Al's last batch of Toe-Jam wine!!
From the 3 MOLERONS, there will be one WINNER
It is not necessary to accept everything as true, one must only accept it as necessary.