LAST EDITED ON 01-30-04 AT 01:40 PM (EST)
I'm leaving on a trip to Michigan around 3 PM today, and I'm not coming back til Sunday, so I figured I'd get it done now, so y'all can read it. I've had quite a busy week off. Oh yeah, and this is probably the most extensive use of HTML tags I've used, so bear with me.
Episode Four Summary: Four Crazy FOMOs
Last week on Celebrity Mole Yucatan:
Angie chases chickens.
Mark escapes Spanish wrestlers.
Mark throws up a burrito.
And Stephen was executed, joining Corbin and Ananda.
The episode begins in the usual way. All the players sitting around in suspiciously black rooms, jabbering about who they think is the Mole. Keshia talks about how moley Tracey is, and then she hiccups. What a landmark. First hiccup of the season, people. Possibly of all the seasons...
As I ponder this, Tracey decides that she will talk about her new dress for two minutes. Yes, you've got that great Jan Brady look going on, Tracey. If this is ABC's attempt to make Tracey look moley, they missed their mark. Moles don't wear dresses.
Meanwhile, Angie gripes about skinny dipping again, in her usual Sassy Redhead style. I'm so sick of this. That quiz she took in episode one must have been really traumatic for her.
Then we get a fabulous confessional from Dennis:
Subtitle: I will be here for the duration of the game, because I am determined and because I signed a five episode contract.
Mark has a brilliant new strategy. He is going to intentionally throw some of the games, so other people will think he’s the mole! WOW! Even the mole’s gonna think he’s the mole. I mean, ohmygosh. This is the most brilliant new strategy in Mole history.
So anyhoo, it's time for the first game!
Game One: Tequila Shooters
Objective: Using a tray, each player must transfer bottles of suspiciously gold Tequila to Ahmad, by walking across a skinny plank built by Erik von Detten out of quarters.
Number of Bottles: 40 (Ahmad has a high tolerance for gold Tequila)
Gold Tequila Worth: $500 per gold bottle delivered
Total Money Possible: $20,000 (for those of you who enjoy multiplication)
Number of Feet Participating In This Contest: 5 * 2 = 10 feet.
Watching an Episode of Celebrity Mole: Priceless
But Ahmad has a trick up his sleeeve. They must cross the plank, while being pelted with green dodgeballs. Yes, Angie, he did use the word pelted, so stop asking. The Big, Impressive Twist That We Knew About Since Episode One is that the three previous executees are throwing the balls. And whatever amount of money that doesn't go in the pot, the executees get to split.
Here they come! It's cabana boy Stephen Ballwin, and he brought the rest of the Outcast Tribe with him. Sigh. This is getting old. Stephen proclaims, "We are the executioners!!!" Please, Stephen, take my advice last year. Go back to Fear Factor, and out of my summaries.
Corbin meanwhile moons the team, and receives an exemption from Ahmad. Angie throws a brick, shattering Ahmad's head into tiny golden pieces.
(OK, so she didn't throw a brick, but Corbin did moon the camera)
Anyway, they start the game. The team is doing badly. They're just getting pelted continuously with these dodgeballs. Especially Tracey. Even when she drops her gold Tequila, Stephen still hits her. After five brutal minutes, she finally succeeds in transferring a gold bottle, and the team scores $500.
For some reason only known to God and ABC, "Mary Had A Little Lamb" starts playing again. And then later, a clever rip-off of "The Chicken Dance" plays.
*clap clap clap clap*
Clap to the music, people!
The team is starting to do better. They've been getting quite a few gold bottles across now. Even Angie, who's going for the Kathy Griffin look today, has decided to earn money. Mark, on the other hand, is still looking like a player who's trying to be the mole.
Stephen hits Tracey again in the head, and she goes into the water. After watching numerous replays of this Emmy winning shot, the game is finally over when Dennis delivers one last gold bottle. Ahmad reads off the score. The executees win. Words can't hide my apathy.
Tequila Shooters Results
Total Money Possible: $20,000
Money Earned by Team: $6,000
Money Earned by Executees: $14,000 (for those of you who enjoy subtraction)
Money Earned by Ahmad: $0,000
Ahmad then informs the contestants that they have a chance to double their meager winnings into a less meager sum. Although ABC.com doesn't consider this a separate game, I do, so we need some more Happy Fun Stats.
Game Two: Looky Looky, Eat a Worm
Objective: Eat four small worms at the bottom of the Tequila bottles. Each member must eat one.
Money Possible: $6,000
Ahmad's Blood Alcohol Content: .10
Funny Little Quote Right Here: "It takes two to lie; one to lie and one to listen" -Homer J. Simpson
Truthfully, this game about worms is chock full of Dennis Rodman clues.
I mean, look at Dennis' name... Dennis Rodman. There are lots of men in this game. Ahmad is a man. Mark is a man. Even Dennis is a man. Coincidence? I don't think so. Even Dana, from Big Brother, is a mantroll, for instance. Dennis has to be the mole!
All the players have to do is eat the four worms at the bottom of the Tequila bottles. Unfortunately for the team, because Mark is such a wimpy man and didn't get any bottles, he doesn't have to participate. Tracey, in a confessional, tells us that she was worried about having to eat anything gross. Keshia and Angie, by their unmanly whining and screams, agree with her. The women pass their worms to Dennis "The Man" Rodman, who agrees to eat them for the lovely ladies.
Truthfully, this part was really lame. The worms were tiny little things, and the man ate them pretty slowly and methodically. The girls are just so happy, man.
Looky Looky, Eat a Worm Results
Money Earned: $6,000
Total Pot: $105,000
Percentage of Stoners Who Laugh At "Total Pot": 86%
So, the happy team joins Ahmad to go have some drinks. Angie, in a confessional, says that she thinks that Mark is trying too hard to be the Mole. Tracey finds it suspicious that Dennis never takes any notes. Mark thinks that no one would suspect Tracey because she's Carol Seaver, a good girl.
Mark, after all that hard work, proclaims that someone has to get nekkid during this episode. Before Angie gets a chance to gripe about the Episode One exemption again, Mark does his rendition of a porno advertisement. Presented by "Give It Hell" Productions... Keshia's Thong. Keshia Gone Wild...
Keshia doesn't look too excited. I'm sorry, Mark, but you don't exist in Keshia's porno world. Mmmmmkay?
With that, we cut to a commercial. Did you know that ABC is having Super Millionaire? With $10,000,000 on the line? Hosted by Ahmad probably... Oh yeah, ABC is also airing "Notting Hill" against the Super Bowl, appealing to all you Hugh Grant fanatics. You know who you are.
After the commercial break, the players are assembled in an artsy looking room. Ahmad explains about how Mexico is filled with lots of art and culture and stuff. It's true too. Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo, for example. See, this is an educational game. This game is called:
Game Three: Still Life
Objective: Recreate works of art and then try to match them with the originals.
Money Possible: $20,000
Time Allotted: 20 minutes
Number of Paintings: 3
Number of Players' Fingers: 5 * 5 = 25 fingers
Number of Tequila Shooters Ahmad Drank: 12
A Cool Word: Portugal
By the way, this is getting sad. Come on, ABC. They're making the clues too easy. An art game? Angie Everhart? You don't think that's a coincidence, do you?
Ahmad needs the players to split up into 3 groups:
3 children at heart (Angie, Keshia, Tracey)
1 person with a good eye (Dennis)
1 chatterbox (Mark)
The impossible game goes like this. Mark looks at three works of art and describes each of them over a walkie-talkie to Angie, Keshia, and Tracey. These three artists will make fingerpaint art based on Mark's ramblings. Then, Dennis will take the monstrosities and matches them up with the three original artworks. If he does it, the team wins, and Angie might take off her clothes.
And the game begins, err... I mean starts.
This game was rather sad. Angie, Keshia, and Tracey should have been "3 belligerent adolescents at heart" because they don't listen to nobody! Here's the general gist of it.
Painting One: A landscape. Red-leafed trees in front of two small whitish-blue houses, which are situated in front of a lake.
Mark: Maybe a farm building
(Tracey draws a red barn)
Mark: They're really small.
(Tracey makes the barn even bigger)
Mark: Larger red trees in front of it
(Tracey paints huge red blurs behind the house)
That's called Impressionist art, everybody!
Painting Two: A darker skinned woman, possibly Hispanic, with a part in her hair. She is staring straight ahead, at the audience. Artsy swirls of colors are around her, with a sunset in the back.
Mark: Think of Keshia with her hair down. No, Ananda. No, Keshia. Nah, go with Ananda.
(Angie paints Stephen Tyler)
Mark: And a sunset in the corner.
(Angie, already covering her entire art canvas, splotches a little yellow in the corner)
Mark: And I think that's an orchid to her left.
(Angie adds a purple line)
Jackson Pollack would be so proud of Angie right now.
Painting Three: Two white vases sitting next to each other. One vase is elegant with many green-leafed art patterns across it. This one has a lid. The other is more kind of like an open horn, and is not patterned in any way. Five apples are near them, and two birds sit on the vases
Mark: White vases...
(Keshia gets her blue and purple paint ready)
Mark: One has embroidery, like it's from Portugal!
(Keshia makes two long, purple, squiggly lines down the side of one of the vases)
Mark: The other one is bigger and looks like a nuclear power plant shaft upside down.
(Keshia makes a small, circular pot)
Mark: There are 5 apples
(Keshia makes surprisingly recognizable apples)
Mark: Two birds are on the vases.
(Keshia draws two squirrels)
That, my friends, is Surrealism.
The ladies gives the paintings to Dennis, rambling on about what they SHOULD look like. Real smart. Dennis realizes he is in trouble. He only has 6.5 minutes left (390 seconds!) and there are no paintings of Stephen Tyler in the art gallery. Dennis takes a long time to figure out what to do. Instead of running around frantically, he jokes around about the caricature of Ahmad that is in the center of the room. My goodness.
The paintings in the room are strikingly similar to each other. Dennis keeps getting them wrong, over and over again. Eventually, he figures out Keshia's, and places it against the wall. Later, he even gets Angie's art in the right place, but eventually moves it away. The seconds tick away, and Ahmad tells him that he was "so close."
Obviously, Ahmad's had a few too many Tequila Shooters.
Mark, Tracey, Angie, and Keshia join Dennis, and Ahmad ridicules them. He places Angie's in the correct position, and Mark calls it "Mick Jagger on drugs."
Personally, I think Angie's painting resembled a Magic Eye picture. I put my nose against the TV screen, stared at it. VOILA! It IS a Magic Eye. Try it yourself. They put a clue in the painting...
Anyway, Ahmad moves Tracey's painting to the correct location, which started a big argument. Tracey's genius is lost on these simpletons.
Ahmad explains that they've lost the game. The team is sad. But, they do get to look at Ahmad's caricature. Angie can't tell it's him. Ahmad gives her the "crazy eyes."
Some final Happy Stats:
Still Life Results
Money Earned: $0
Gallons of Paint Wasted By Angie: 7
Jims' Knowledge of Art: Limited
Keshia's Creation: Squirrellybirds
Number of Licks to Get to The Center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: The world will never know.
The players have their ceremonial quiz dinner. Ahmad tells them that this is the first time that no one will be safe from execution. The team is happy. They toast to the fourth executee, whoever it may be.
Dennis says in a confessional that if he gets past tonight's execution, he'll win the game. Unless, of course, there's a tie. Then you can never be sure. But a tie will never happen.
Quiz Time! 10 questions about the mole.
1. Is the Mole...
A. Female or Dennis Rodman
B. Male but not Dennis Rodman
2. Did the Mole win any money in the Tequila Shooters game?
3. Did the Mole say something about Keshia's thong?
4. What sport did the Mole play on the show "Hanging With Mr. Cooper?"
C. Penguin Batting
5. What is the Mole thinking about right now?
A. Keshia's thong
B. Being the only man to not eat a worm
6. What is the Mole's current occupation?
B. Not a comic
7. How many burritos did the Mole eat a couple days ago?
8. What role did the Mole play in the Still Life Game?
B. A Child at Heart or A Person With a Good Eye
9. This question doesn't make any sense.
D. The Pennsylvania Polka
10. Who is the Mole?
Execution time! The music changes to the usual quiet, pulsing beat, and all the Anti-Executee players' hands begin to shake.
Ahmad Robinson, wearing all leather, enters the room.
Ahmad: Let's play "The Weakest Link"!
(I think I've had too many Tequila Shooters. A strange baritone voice begins to speak.)
Dennis is the strongest link. He added a lot of money for the team, and banked the most money...
Mark is the weakest link. He failed to add any money, and acted like George Costanza while he was at it. Will he survive another round?
Ahmad: Voting over... Let's see who you thought was... the weakest link!
Mark: Keshia's thong
Ahmad: Although Mark was the weakest link that round, it is votes that count! Keshia Knight-Pulliam, with four votes... you ahh thee weekest leenk! Goodbye!
Just like her last stint on "The Weakest Link," L'il Rudy's screen goes red and she hands her bag to Ahmad. They show a bunch of happy Keshia moments, and it makes me wish I watched "The Cosby Show"...
Oh well. Life moves on. 4 moles remain. Who will be the leaving next, in the most shocking execution yet???
*cue ominous music*
*cue Chicken Dance rip off*
*clap clap clap clap*
Now I've made it too obvious who the mole is...