Why, why, why couldn't I have picked something easy to summarize for a first effort? Big Brother? 'Several people act like complete idiots, bigots, and walking arguments for enforced sterilization while forgetting they have an audience taking it all in, destroying their future social lives, job prospects, and chances of appearing on The Surreal Life.' The Simple Life? 'Two rich girls whose collective IQs and social skills, when measured, gave mathematicians the answer to the square root of negative one, try to deal with The Real Fake World and do a script-mandated bad job of it.' The Apprentice? 'Sixteen people out of six billion are delusional enough to think working for Donald Trump would be a rewarding experience.'
But no -- I took on Celebrity Mole. And that means y'all are expecting long. Detailed. Exhaustive. Who was standing where? Who wore what? Does the first name of the second cousin by the third marriage as reported by the fourth estate suggest the Mole's identity as scheduled to be accidentally revealed in the fifth episode? And just who was the sixth man, anyway?
So I get to launch what was, up until two paragraphs ago, a promising summary career by essentially providing a frame-by-frame account of an episode in a series that, at the best of times seems designed to drive both the viewers and players insane. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Can we say this counts as my mandatory pre-Survivor effort and end it here?
Great... Okay. Roll opening credits. Ananda has been executed. I'm really going to miss her. I was so looking forward to finding out just who she was.
Last time on Celebrity Mole: Yucatan: DepCapsFan made a lot of excellent on-site observations which I can't hope to match because I foolishly decided to hide in the bushes around Survivor 8, which means she got some great material and I got to see Richard naked and spent the next thirty-nine days recovering from hysterical blindness.
And -- we open with confessionals. Lots of confessionals.
"Laid' back, sit quiet, listen, observe,' Corbin tells us, his eyes closed, inner sight trained on the man within. 'That's all I want to do. That is what I'm going to do for the continuation of this game is lie back, listen, observe." And just for a moment, I'm proud of him. Because let's face it: while he's certainly been very observant since he came back from the dead, he's been -- well -- shall we say 'obsessive'? Yes, we shall. Shall we also say 'borderline loon'? No, because we're trying to keep this summary under twenty pages and it may hit the point where every word counts. So let's just go with 'loon'. Or 'obsessive loon'. After all, it's not like there's a mandatory limit.
But no matter how you choose to term it, Corbin's been acting like a man whose be-all and end-all of existence is 'Catch the Mole. Unmask the Mole. Find redemption in the eyes of the six thousand people who watched the first series all the way through!' And this may be because he's currently somewhere in the depths of the D-List and having 'Celebrity Mole 1' on his resume was the greatest thing to happen to him in years -- which, given how the series wound up doing, should tell you everything you need to know about how his career was going up to that point -- or it may be because he's in basic training to play Captain Ahab in the Moby (The Program Will Censor This) remake, and the Mole is his white whale. Which means that whatever the cause, he's been well, an obsessive loon. So to see him recognize this, and actually make a commitment to back off a little -- a lot -- to, in fact, wow the producers with his Darrah imitation -- is wondrous. (And besides, Brad Pitt would have gotten the part anyway.)
So Corbin has found his sanity. And regardless of the fact that this is a site of the bashers, by the bashers, and for the bashers, I am, for the tiniest of moments, the amount of time it takes to go from 'now' to 'then', proud of him.
And thus, for karmic balance, we must immediately turn the confessional camera to another dark room, where awaits -- Stephen. And he says --
'Dog. Dog dog.'
'Dog. Dog dog dog, diggy dog, diggy dog, dog dog dog, Dalmatian!'
Oh. Sorry. My fault. Forgot to press the DOPE button on the remote. Rewinding...
'Corbin, if you're not the Mole and you're doing the same thing again, you're an idiot.'
Hang on. Maybe I didn't hit the button hard enough. Stephen Baldwin just called someone an idiot: that can't be right... there's pots and kettles that would get all the way down into the ultraviolet on color commentary before Stephen Baldwin could be legitimately entitled to call someone an idiot... Rewinding...
'Corbin, if you're not the Mole and you're doing the same thing again, you're an idiot.' (pause) 'I love ya, but you're an idiot.'
Huh. That was actually right...
Well, you didn't see what we just saw, did you, Stephen? This is a changed man! Corbin is self-aware! Can you say the same?
No, really. We're all curious here. You spent most of your first appearance demonstrating the intellectual self-recognition of sea kelp. Help us out here.
Instead, the camera moves on, presumably out of mercy.
More confessionals: Mark tells us he'd never considered how not winning the game might put a crimp in both his social life and his dealings with his mother. No, Mark, you never considered that falling low enough on the fame chart to be considered for this game was already the Hollywood equivalent of an embarrassing social disease, and your being here, win or lose, is just the first open sore on your lips.
Angie tells us she believes the Mole to be Corbin. Also Stephen, Tracy, Dennis, Keshia, and Mark. All at once. But not Ahmad. Certainly not Ahmad. Ahmad is the one directing all her enemies against her, but that doesn't make him the Mole or anything. Unlike the Injustice League Of Moleville (Mayor: Dennis Rodman), which is after her day and night. Mostly night. There is a very slight chance the game is getting to Angie. Nothing worth quantifying.
Tracy believes she could be the Mole. Presumably Angie is relieved to be only five-sixths insane.
Dennis thinks everyone else believed he was going to get the boot last night, but no, he's still here. See, I told you Dennis was more observant than everybody thought! He's noticed he's still here! And you actually believed those health warnings about how body piercings close to the brain could affect memory? Hah! Of course, he's calling himself The Man Of Love, but that's probably just the team's pet name for him. Dennis Rodman to Man Of Love. Sure, that's only several letters short of an anagram and just one or two bricks shy of a load.
And Keshia just can't wait until this is all over and they know who the Mole is -- because it's not her. And then she asks everyone to believe her, and tells them that they should. (It should probably be mentioned that Keshia is wearing a white bikini top during this confessional, and makes a gesture towards the portions of her anatomy that the top is covering towards the end of the speech. This has three immediate effects: ninety percent of the male viewership chooses to believe her, twelve percent of the female viewership follows right along, and ratings on the Cosby Show reruns drop forty percent as those same people start to feel really, really awkward.)
How many lines are we in without having reached the actual episode yet? Fortunately, the confessionals are now over, and we switch to --
-- a shot of a step pyramid. Internet researchers immediately try to figure out which of the contestants can be connected with obsessive step climbing. Check Stephen last, folks.
Ahmad comes around the corner of the pyramid, and he's wearing -- oh, my. He is wearing a big sombrero. And a black suit. And a wide tie. Plus silk tails. He, in fact, looks like he's about to host a dance marathon on Telemundo, which means that we can all be very happy for him, because he has escaped from this series and is about to take a major step forward in his career, plus there's a chance we'll get Anderson back --
-- and here come the contestants right behind him. (sigh) Well, it was a nice moment while it lasted.
Keshia confessional-tells us that she knew something was going to be done to the team as soon as she saw Ahmad in that outfit, proving that Keshia is an observant woman. Tracey c-ts us that Ahmad is the only person in the world who could make that outfit look good, proving that A. Tracey doesn't watch much Telemundo and B. the game just might be starting to get to her, too.
Ahmad asks for four players -- Corbin raises his hand before the sentence is completed, but that's okay, a new lifestyle takes a little settling into -- who want to be stuffed, and three who would like to swing. After some initial confusion where everyone seems to have their hands up and Stephen has entirely too close an eye on those voting to swing, we wind up with a Stuffer team of Angie, Dennis, Mark, and Keshia, with the Swingers being Corbin, Tracey, and -- naturally -- Stephen. One can presume this wasn't Stephen's dream arrangement going in, but he seems ready to settle.
In c-t, Tracey tells us that she didn't want to go with the Stuffers team because she was afraid they'd be fed something gross. So now we know that Tracey not only watched the entire first run of Celebrity Mole, but she may be a closet Fear Factor viewer, and might even have a few Survivor episodes under her belt. (This is the point where I started to become slightly suspicious as to just where DebCapsFan had really been reporting from. Crew, huh?)
The Stuffers follow Ahmad to a tree with four piñatas hanging off it, and I start to rejoice. Y'see, I followed the spoilers leading up to this episode, and they suggested that piñatas would be involved. And now with the little ones hanging off the tree, and four celebrities on the Stuffers team and three Swingers, it's clear what's about to happen. This is fantastic! This is wonderful! This could be the greatest Mole challenge ever! And all I can do is applaud and hope, no, pray that no one on the construction team ever heard of the term 'air holes'...
No, of course they would have thought of that. Even with the laws in Mexico being not quite as sue-happy as those in the States, it would have occurred to anyone but the Paradise Hotel production crew. And as Toni hasn't shown up yet, the existence of oxygen has to be presumed. But still, four celebrities stuffed into giant piñatas while the other three take swings at them -- come on. Tell me that's not the greatest reality show challenge of all time. Overheating is almost guaranteed. Grievous bodily harm is practically mandatory. And to top it off, there's a chance that someone could wind up getting a jawbreaker right down the throat. Everyone thought we could do celebrity bashing? The celebrities are about to top us -- working on their own kind!
This is one of the greatest television moments in the last ten years.
Ahmad directs the Stuffers to each pick a piñata. Mark goes first, declaring this his right as the Man, and selects a pink pig, revealing that Mark has studied the Sixties more than any of us originally realized. Dennis goes next and appropriately takes a red (white, and green) bull. Keshia gets a purple goat, and Angie is stuck with a green cat. I just have a bad case of the giggles.
Our next shot is of a large open space, with a three-man Mexican band playing atmosphere music, a large number of children standing around to collect the goodies, and -- four giant piñatas hanging above, much, much larger versions of the ones selected by the Stuffers. More than large enough to get a person inside. Keshia could probably crouch down in a single leg and hope everyone aimed for the belly. This is now one of the greatest television moments of the last ten years.
The Swingers enter following Ahmad. They're carrying thin bats, closer to stickball than baseball. No matter: Stephen is still tapping his into an open palm as if getting ready to swing for three sewers, and this is now one of the greatest television moments of the last thirty years.
Stephen says 'This is going to be whacked', and Ahmad replies 'You know I know how to throw a party. You know that, don't you?' Yes I do, Mr. Rashad -- no, Sir Rashad -- and this is now one of the greatest television moments of the last fifty years, not to mention one of the greatest moments of my life.
The Stuffers enter, and, from their expressions, it's apparent that they've caught on. In fact, Keshia c-ts us that when she first saw the piñata, she was scared she was about to stuffed inside it. Yes, Keshia, we knew you were observant, and because of that, I will hope that you manage to find the safety leg.
Dennis looks especially nervous. The children are applauding. I envy the children. I envy Ahmad. I plan an immediate change in careers.
Sir Ahmad The Great explains the rules. The Stuffers will indeed be stuffed into the giant versions of the piñatas. (The single greatest moment of my life arrives, and I rejoice, even knowing it's going to be supplanted within two minutes. Tops.) Each Swinger will be given five minutes to break one piñata. They can attack as many piñatas as they like, but as soon as they successfully break one, their segment of the game is over.
And how will they know the piñata is broken? Something special will fall out. No, not the broken bodies of the other players, although that last can be presumed and I'm certainly having a good time picturing it. A gift box will tumble to the ground. Three of the boxes contain money and are worth $10,000 to the pot. The fourth contains an exemption. If the person inside the piñata successfully keeps their piñata away from the swinger and intact -- throwing their body weight around, probably -- they keep their box. A kept box with money in it adds nothing to the pot. A kept exemption will see the Stuffer safely through the next quiz. And of course, no one knows which piñata has the exemption. Or which major medical team is standing by. Or how restrictive Mexico HMOs are. Except the Mole, and you just know the contract included full health care.
Corbin toss-twirls his bat. So, so happy...
The Swingers are told that if they step outside the designated circle -- marked off with rope -- they will be disqualified. The camera moves to show us the field from above, then zooms down to the circle, shadow closing in on the safe area. I briefly notice that the piñatas have an odd look at the top, but quickly lose it between the shading and my rampant glee.
Angie quickly tells the group that she's not feeling well, and if she goes into the piñata, she'll throw up, which would really seem to be the least of her worries. A quick c-t lets us know she thinks Montezuma is having his Revenge on her. Yes, Angie, and now you're trying to rob the rest of us from the same pleasure. Tracey, who has the sort of martyr complex which can only be generated by knowing you were introduced as having played Carol Seaver during the opening credits -- with nothing else mentioned -- volunteers to take her place.
The bats are numbered, which means Stephen goes first, Corbin second, and Angie third.
Saint Ahmad tells everyone to play hard.
Mark c-t thinks it's suspicious that Angie's sickness didn't materialize earlier. Sure, Mark. You're just sorry you didn't think of it first, and now those first swings are going to be coming at you...
Corbin openly says he thinks Angie isn't sick. Angie tells him he can -- well, it was bleeped. But really, can you blame Corbin for being upset about losing the opportunity? I certainly can't. (Of course, that was a little open for the laid-back approach. Well, the journey of a thousand miles will shortly begin with a single held-back comment.)
And now Corbin, still being open, looks at the camera and tells us there's two questions we have to ask ourselves. Why did Dennis wind up in the bull? Well, that's obvious, Corbin. The bull was offered as an option and Dennis took a symbol he was comfortable with. Besides, he's tall and he could use the extra torso room to hide in.
The camera moves to show the bull piñata.
Dennis is sitting in an alcove on top of it.
They're not going to be in the piñatas. They're all going to be sitting atop them. No one's going to be swung at with bats. They're perfectly safe.
...excuse me. I've got to leave the room for a while.
(distant, hard-to-distinguish sounds that could be the last echoes of agonized screams, but probably aren't)
Corbin then says we have to ask ourselves why Mark went first and wound up in the pig. (So that's three questions.) He then asks why he's asking these questions. (Four.) Stephen moves behind him, sight unseen, and starts making the crazy-person symbol against his own temple. Yes, Stephen, we know you're -- oh. Corbin. Well, I have to admit that he's having a hard time with the 'sit quiet' thing right now, but it is his first day. They don't kick you out of AA if you walk by a liquor store, you know.
Corbin c-ts us that Mark has too much of a macho thing going on to choose a pink pig. (See! In private, he told us! Much better!) Possible, Corbin, but that history degree had to be used somewhere.
And back out to the playing field, where Corbin tells Ahmad The Deceiver that he's not obsessed this time. Stephen makes more crazy-circles and takes a few mock practice swings at Corbin's head as Ahmad, Future Occupant Of The Ninth Circle tells him that he's a kinder, gentler Corbin. (Remember, The Great Betrayer gets to see the confessionals.) Corbin reassures Brutus that he's just making observations, then observes in c-t that Mark is the Mole and he's not doing a very good job of it. Actually, that's more of a postulation.
Stephen comes up behind Benedict Ahmad and pretends to choke him with the bat while demanding to know which one has the exemption. Corbin calmly mouths 'The pink one' to the camera, although there's just enough sound for Stephen to pick up on. I regain a little bit of cheer at the sight of the mock choking and briefly wish for Dennis Rodman to be replaced by Latrell Sprewell.
We get a better look at the rigging of the piñatas: they're suspended on thick elastic bands, and the falsely-named Stuffers can move them up and down by yanking on a rope (although Keshia nearly lifts herself out of the seat in the process.) It actually looks like fun. It definitely looks safe. Somewhere, right now, JudAshmad is counting out thirty pieces of silver and laughing at me.
Stephen is announced as the first swinger and draws his bat like Excalibur to the accompaniment of stirring Arthurian music. Matt Wagner files the first lawsuit of the night.
Stephen then takes a few practice swings at nothing in particular as the children begin to cheer-chant for him. Let's listen to what they're saying.
'Loco, loco, loco!' And Angie's joined in on the downbeat.
No, I don't think anyone briefed them. After all, they saw him making the crazy-circle earlier, and that's just about universal, right? Besides, anyone watching him for five minutes would be able to pick that up in any language.
Ahmad, Lollypop Sucker To The Stars, cues the music -- Mexican hat dance, for those of you looking for clues -- and Stephen starts to swing! His first target is Keshia's goat, and while he manages to wreck havoc on the legs (which unleashes a small torrent of candy), some inspired ropework by Keshia keeps the goat's belly out of his reach. (Stephen c-t accuses Keshia of either trying to keep the money out of the post or secure the exemption for herself. No, Stephen, she just spotted a Baldwin with a bat and did the most sensible thing of the episode.) Swinger #1 nearly goes out of the circle at one point, but manages to catch and prop himself up with the bat until he can regain his balance. Regardless, Kevin Matchstick files the second lawsuit of the night.
Stephen then goes to work on Dennis' bull, but gets the same results: legs hit, candy spilled, but ropework keeping the belly out of reach. A quick switch to Mark's pig produces nothing better, and Mark loudly tells Stephen 'You hit like a girl!' The surviving members of the All-American Girls League submit Lawsuit #3 eight seconds later.
Finally, Stephen manages to put a crack in the pig's belly, and switches from swinging to thrusting the bat straight up whenever the piñata reaches the low point on the band. This turns out to be the right idea, using up his quota until 2014, subjecting us all to a Flintstones sequel in 2005, and freeing the first of the gift boxes with two minutes left on the countdown. Stephen celebrates with a quick demonstration of bat fencing techniques. The Olympic swordfighting team doesn't have the money to sue and disbands in disgust.
Stephen heads back to his chair, where Corbin tells him he has the exemption. (You'd think 'sit quiet' would be easier than this. He's already sitting.) A quick discussion along the expected 'How do you know?' lines leads Corbin proposing a bet: whatever box he gets for Stephen's box. Stephen decides to hold off until he sees which box Corbin goes after. Of course, if Corbin's right, there's only one box to go after...
At this point, it should be noted that the odds of calling the exemption-carrying piñata by sheer luck are one in four. Just to mention.
And we reach the first commercial break. That's right. All this got us to the first commercial break. So in the name of mercy, I will not pull a TeamJoisey and recap the ads for you. (Besides, he and Landru have it copyright-protected.)
Stephen advises the remaining swingers that the boxes are in the bellies, and Corbin goes to work. And the proper way to work is apparently shirtless. (However, with Angie around, this could be considered as lying low.) Ahmad cues more music, which is not the Mexican hat dance, which is a real pity because that's one of the only two piece of Latin music I know, and Corbin takes a few seconds to evaluate the situation and pick a target before he starts whaling on the surprisingly low-hanging bull. (Of course, those of us who got to see a certain SP series are quite used to seeing Dennis hanging low.)
Somewhere around the fourth swing, the bat breaks. Several pieces of the contestant's careers fly out of the hollowed-out center and bounce around the field, where some of the children almost make the mistake of trying to recover them before being stopped by alert parents. Stephen quickly reacts by drawing on his knightly training again and tossing Corbin his own bat, which is expertly caught, demonstrating that theatrical training in Willie's plays does indeed have benefits, one of which will be the $15,000,000 paid out to the Flynn estate once their lawsuit gets settled.
Corbin goes back to work on the bull. The new bat breaks on the second swing.
So that's it. The Mole is Sammy Sosa. We can all go home now.
Or not, as Angie tosses Corbin her bat with no special flair, and Dennis, vaguely bemused by the whole thing, lets his piñata go even lower and stops making any real efforts to get it out of the way, c-t reasoning that Corbin just might break all three bats and that would end the game, right? Right, Dennis: a show that gives out a potential quarter-million pot couldn't find the budget to keep a few backup pieces of wood around. Then again, they clearly couldn't afford first-class bats, so he may have a point here.
Stephen is c-t upset that Dennis raised the bull out of his reach, but lowered it for Corbin. Well, gee, Stephen, maybe if you'd signed up for the Major League movies and gotten all that athletic training, you'd have managed to waste some wood and bemuse Dennis, too. Or at least make an open tryout for the Tigers.
Corbin takes his seat again, and tells Stephen to just keep telling him what he sees, and Corbin will keep telling Stephen what he sees, because it would be fun -- and a sort of poetry -- if the two of them could go the distance. This is starting to sound suspiciously like coalition talk, and I don't remember that being anywhere in the confessional strategy. Besides, it's not all that valuable to find out what Stephen perceives. Normally, seeing giant animals floating in the sky is a handicap, and while it may be working for Stephen right now, they can hardly expect to be that lucky at every challenge.
Meanwhile, Angie shows us a heart-shaped lollipop and announces that she's in the house, using her full name to do so. Ahmad, sucking on a similar lollipop, cues her entrance to the circle and some more unidentifiable music. It probably doesn't mean anything.
Angie takes her target cue from the kids, who tell her to go after Tracey's cat. The resulting swings show gusto and another shower of candy -- and make Corbin again openly feel that she isn't sick -- but her footwork could use a little focus. One shoe pushes the rope circle out of shape, leaving her foot within the new boundary, but over the line of the old one. No one says anything. Then, with a hole poked into the cat's belly, frantically jumping around to reach the gap and widen it, the other foot lands outside the rope. Then someone says something. Namely, Ahmad The Deceiver, who stops the game on the spot due to the foul. Stephen and Corbin unite in indignation and rush in to protest. Actually, Stephen rushes in to protest. Corbin almost immediately spots the pushed-out rope and tries to point it out to the crowd. Not that it matters, of course -- out is out, and what's his argument: she was out earlier, or 'You didn't call this, so why call that'? Of course, this could all be strategy. He's observing again. Being laid back and quiet, he's still having trouble with, but my, can he observe.
Leo and Billy kick the dirt around a little, but Eric Gregg refuses to change his call on the batter-runner leaving the basepath, and the out stands. Angie appears in c-t wearing her Yankee hat and fires everyone, saying frustration is the name of the game. And as a Yankee fan, she should know, because every year that they don't win the World Series is just so frustrating for the rest of baseball.
Back on the sidelines, Corbin shakes his box, which rattles. Stephen shakes his, which does nothing. Corbin repeats the exemption prediction, and still has a one-in-four chance of being right. Tracey and Keshia receive their boxes before being released from their piñatas, and come to join the others. Stephen passes the box-shake challenge to Keshia, who tells the world that she doesn't want to shake her box, she's going to wait to open it. Millions of former Cosby Show fans feel very, very lost. For some reason, Stephen's just annoyed.
Ahmad commands the boxes to be opened, and so it is done. Tracey and Keshia's gifts contain coins glued or taped to the bottom, signifying the $10,000 each that will not be added to the pot. (One of the attachments apparently gave out on Corbin's box, which now gives him a total of two things rattling around in a hollow container.) Corbin again offers to trade boxes with Stephen, and Stephen, who has acquired a sombrero from somewhere, reaches deep down into Mexican tradition, hits Hee-Haw instead, and reaches into the air to pull out the greatest hillbilly 'No!' since the farmer instructed the traveling salesman to stay away from his daughter. (I had to freeze-frame this to get the full effect. His upper lip is curled back from his teeth, his eyes are completely blank, his fingers seem to have become inbred with themselves, and the end of his nose appears to have grown three sizes. And to think he's too late to apply for the Amanda Show.)
The last two boxes are opened. Corbin has $10,000 for the pot, so we now stand at $41,000. Stephen has an exemption, so we now have to stand him for at least one more episode. Corbin punches the air around Stephen and c-t blames himself for the Baldwin Other getting the exemption. The viewers agree completely.
And now, Part 2 of the game begins. Ahmad offers Stephen a trade: give up the exemption, put another $10,000 into the pot. Stephen's initial reaction is stunned laughter, which doesn't tell us much because Stephen's initial reaction to a toilet flushing is stunned laughter. (Fortunately, he doesn't hear it all that often.) His second reaction is to take a poll of his fellows. Dennis would give up the exemption for $10,000, but he's almost the only one: Corbin at first says money, then quickly reverses to exemption. Keshia and Angie would go for the exemption. Mark wants Stephen to give up the exemption for the people. (The viewers, as the people, start to root for Mark.) Tracey isn't surveyed.
Angie argues that they need more money offered. Apparently this is Ahmad's cue to turn into Monty Hall, because the offer immediately goes to $30,000. Mark sings out -- literally -- that Stephen has to do it for the life of the crew, or the lie of the stew, or the bye to the phew, which would certainly apply if Stephen gave up the exemption and blew the quiz. Corbin immediately decides that if Stephen refuses, he's the Mole. Of course, from what we've seen of Stephen, his main hopes in the quiz are A. Speed. B. Good guesses. C. Exemptions and D. Fellow contestants who are less observant than he is, and since he's not playing with the NFL's playoff officiating crew, that exemption just might be worth $30,000 to him.
In fact, it is, as he says he'll still keep it.
Monty offers $50,000 for the pot plus a new washing machine if any one of the female contestants can produce a tube of purple lipstick from her purse. Dennis starts to protest the gender bias, but gets interrupted by Stephen double-checking the math. After all, Ahmad could be trying to pull a fast one on them, raising the pot to $50,000 even. But no, Curtain #1 is the Super Deal, and the pot would be $91,000 if only Stephen will give up his exemption and as a special bonus, save his own life, because the rest of the team is now threatening to do him massive bodily harm if he doesn't hand it over. I start to perk up again.
Stephen refuses to give up the exemption. No one tries to do him massive bodily harm. Stupid assault laws...
Ahmad wants to know why Stephen wouldn't put all that money into the pot, and the reply is 'I ain't coming back to lose, doggy! You know what I'm sayin'? I'm coming back to win!' (Make a note: Stephen is now the early favorite for Celebrity Mole Three: Nome, Alaska.)
Dennis, the student of human nature, c-ts us that Stephen not giving the exemption back made the players a little more frustrated. Angie c-t starts to move off Stephen as a Mole candidate, because he's playing too hard and that's not suspicious at all. Exactly, Angie. He's playing so hard that he just managed to keep $50,000 out of the pot, which is something the Mole would never, ever do. But on the bright side, you're now only four-fifths insane. Corbin, on the other hand, is very suspicious to her because he called out which piñata and box contained the exemption right away, and no one ever hits a twenty-five percent chance, right?
The band swings into that well-known Tribute To Stephen Baldwin, La Cucaracha, which happens to be the only other piece of Latin music I can identify -- obviously -- and the children move in to claim the candy. A young flirt shyly gives Angie a sweet, while Mark's attempts to get a bit of candy away from a little girl’s ground pile leads to a shriek and the Full Body Flop Defense. They catch on so early, don't they?
And -- back to the cabs. Stephen, Angie, and Tracey have one to themselves, while the other four are piled into the other. Stephen uses the opportunity to tell Angie all his suspicions about how Dennis deliberately let Corbin target the bull piñata and caused the death of twelve more innocent trees. He's not sure why Dennis would do such a thing. Surely Dennis would have a love affair with wood, given how many people he's sent to kiss it over the years.
Cab #2, on the other hand...
Mark: 'Angie's the mole,' followed by a rotation of his hat from brim-front to brim-back. (Too late, Mark, the 'hood already saw you.)
Corbin to Keshia: 'Who's the mole?' (Corbin, I understand how hard it is to get started on a new life path, but at some point, you have to climb out of the rut.)
Keshia: 'I don't know.' (Possibly fair answer.)
Corbin: 'Who do you have a coalition with?' (What?)
Keshia: 'It's none of your business.' (You go, girl!)
Corbin: 'Are you working with Angie down on the beach, or what?' (This may have inspired Mark later on.)
Keshia: 'No.' (This may be true, for a given value of 'no'.)
Corbin: 'No? You don't share anything with anybody, do you?' (Aww, Corbin didn't get the last piece of cake at dinner the previous night.)
Keshia: 'Huh?' ('Hey, that cake was right there, and with my perky metabolism, I'm better equipped to handle it than you.')
Corbin: 'You don't share anything with anybody.' ('And where's my ball! You said you'd give it back!')
Keshia: 'I didn't say that.' ('Your ball? I didn't see your name on it, mister.')
Corbin: 'You haven't shared anything with anybody.' ('And why didn't you invite me down for the skinny-dip? I like to look, too. Nobody loves me. Nobody. Even the summary writer is starting to lose faith in me...')
Back in Cab #1, Stephen has just run into the Mole Logic Block. It goes something like this.
1. Corbin told Stephen he'd gotten the box with the exemption. Therefore, Corbin knew which piñata was the good one, and the only way to know that would be if Corbin was the Mole.
2. Corbin did not try to stop Stephen from getting the exemption. Therefore, Corbin is not the Mole.
3. Corbin tried to trade his box for Stephen's to get the exemption away from him. Therefore, Corbin is the Mole.
4. Corbin failed to get Stephen's box. Therefore, Corbin is not the Mole.
5. Corbin has a strange star-shaped protrusion of flesh around his nose. Therefore, Stephen has been inhaling too many exhaust fumes.
Since we clearly need to get the players back into the open air, we return to the hotel, where Corbin continues to dig a deeper furrow in his lifestyle rut by calling Stephen on his cell phone (which gives them the privacy that getting Stephen to walk fifty feet just wouldn't have granted) and offering a coalition. Stephen's reaction is 'Ooooh!' followed by another Hee-Haw tooth-centered channeling -- and a postponement. He has to go to town (on-site Mexico spoilers, take note: they were allowed to go to town!), and then he has to do a thing (unfortunately-timed shot of Tracey here, lounging by the pool), and when he's done with his thing (another really, really badly placed shot of Tracey), he'll call Corbin and they'll do their thing (no shots of people burning money or cutting their own wrists follow, which is just slightly odd).
Stephen c-ts us that he's been avoiding this coalition because doing so gives him a chance to see how Corbin acts. Namely, frustrated. And the more frustrated Corbin becomes, the more convinced Stephen is that Corbin can't be the Mole. Because the Mole would never completely lose his sanity and come after the other players with the last remaining intact bat. No, never. But Corbin might. So if Stephen can make Corbin frustrated enough to kill all of the others, Corbin will prove he's not the Mole. This is called 'strategy'. And we never hear a word about the Lazarus Coalition again.
The sun starts to set, and the Dread Vampire Ahmad returns to offer his gift of eternal undeath -- or another exemption, whichever's easier for the others to arrange on their schedules. The initiation into unrelenting horror begins when Ahmad asks who'd like an exemption. Everyone but Dennis and Stephen raise their hands (although Dennis does sort of have one arm propped halfway up on a knee). Stephen, of course, already has one. Dennis -- well, stand by. We'll get to Dennis.
And now, it's deja vu all over again, lads and lasses, because Ahmad is willing to give the group an exemption to grant to one of their own. They will have to decide who to give it to unanimously, or no one gets it. (Stephen then indicates that he remembers this game and it was less than appealing to him the prior time, although not in those words.) If they can reach an agreement in twenty minutes, the Creatures Of The Night will take over and one of their own will have a trial period of unlife equal to that between now and the quiz right after the upcoming one. Blood, cape, and fangs not included. Plus, as a special bonus, $25,000 will be added to the pot. If, however, something unthinkable should happen and the group fails to reach a decision, then no one gets the exemption, $25,000 will be removed from the pot, and no one's going to be very happy when dusk comes around again.
Let's have a sidebar while the VCR is on Pause.
Essentially, Celebrity Mole is a game show. A game show with a lot of paranoia going around, but a game show. (This argument could be made for most of reality TV, but let's not go there today.) And what can we generally say about celebrities who play on game shows? No, not the DAW factor. It is this: they typically do not play for themselves. They play for charity. Sometimes it's a charity they've founded, but it's never the 'Money For Me Without The Effort Needed To Skim It Foundation.' Even Keshia played for a charity when she won on Fear Factor. But this group -- including Keshia -- is playing for the Bribe The Casting Director Fund. This money is eventually going to one of them. No one else. (Alimony, child support, student loans, et. all were not figured into that statement for lack of time.) Stephen already cost them $50,000 by hanging onto his chance at the pot for one more episode. $66,000 is much, much better than $16,000. So it makes sense that, in the name of enlightened self-interest, our players would find someone to grant the exemption to -- someone more or less unobjectionable and harmless -- as quickly as possible, because this is going to be their money (in their eyes, it belongs to each one of them and none of the others) and they'd like some more of it. Plus, they have Corbin and Stephen, who remember what a total fiasco this was the first time around, and will help steer the ship to somewhere other than the rocks.
So the exemption will certainly be granted in the end, because no one here is stupid enough to forfeit $50,000 from the pot. And that includes the Mole, because the group has only added $10,000 to the pot today and the Mole is under instructions to not sabotage every game, because an empty or really-low pot just isn't going to lure in future contestants or keep the current ones here: there has to be something worth going through all this mental torment for.
Sidebar over. Let's see who the exemption goes to, shall we? Pushing Play...
Corbin, Stephen, and Tracey c-t about how important exemptions are, which would be a Duh moment except that Corbin makes an interesting point. 'It's like holding your breath underwater, this game,' he says, nicely summing up the stress level of the competition and also indicating that he might have inhaled at some point during the last series. Water on the brain would certainly give him an excuse for forgetting his prior commitment so easily.
And now Corbin demonstrates exactly how many tons of salt water passed through his lungs last season and manages to make me look like a complete idiot within the first six seconds of debate time, because his position from last season stands: if they don't vote for him, he's not voting for anyone. Angie's immediate response is 'You can shove that exemption up your behind, because I'm not voting for Corbin.' Why keep one of her oppressors in the game? (Of course, if they're all her oppressors, then they're only being executed to trick her... but she's not falling for that one, oh no. Not Angie. Angie's far too smart to be taken in by such a simple gambit.)
So that's it. The Mole is the entire United States Congress. We can all go home now.
Or not, as Keshia says she won't vote for Corbin either, and Tracey says she's not sure she wants to give anyone an exemption. Mark, having the first attack of common sense in the group, encourages the group to vote for Tracey. Corbin refuses.
Mark then tries to take over as the Voice Of Overly Loud Reason. What does Angie think? Angie starts to say something that is not yes or no, so Mark cuts her off and moves on to Keshia. (There's only twenty minutes, after all, and the VOOLR is counting every second of it.) Angie wants to state her position. Mark doesn't want to hear any position that isn't 'Yes', 'No', or 'Missionary.' Stephen tries to chime in with 'Doggie!', but is told to go to hell because he already has an exemption and Mark hated the Flintstones movie. 'You have nothing to say here!' Which is really an excellent rationale. Would you trust the opinion of a man who thought Barney Rubble would be a good career move?
Stephen yells 'You're out of order!', although the mock rage doesn't manage to budge the goofball expression on his face.
Mark argues back with 'You're out of order! You're out of order!', because nothing says authority figure and future Betty Ford Clinic spokesperson like repeating yourself. Tom Cruise tries to file a lawsuit, but backs out when he's told it would mean spending time in court with Stephen. Tracey c-t tells us that she doesn't know what's happening here, what's happening. No one sues Tracey, because what could you get out of it, anyway? A complete collection of Growing Pains memorabilia?
Meanwhile, Ms. Manners gets her first-ever contract with Variety.
Ahmad settles this part of the discussion with sixteen minutes to go by informing Stephen that he can't have two exemptions at once. Stephen responds by doing his Hillbilly With Bad Heartburn, and the group moves on.
Mark proposes that they give the exemption to Angie, and perhaps she'll strip down out of gratitude. Sorry, Mark, but it's not exactly necessary to provide her with an excuse, and we're lowering your Observation score by five points.
Tracey wants to know what Corbin has to say, which may be the single clearest indicator of the Mole's identity in the episode. Mark's reaction is 'Oh, God, just say yes or no', which means that the VOOLR is still hanging onto that last letter. Corbin can't back that idea, as he knows he can see Angie in the nude at any time. Keshia decides to vote for no one. I start to feel like the dumbest person involved with the series.
Mark declares they're at an impasse. Ahmad reminds them that the $25,000 is going to come out of the pot. Keshia tells the group she knows that. Two stagehands named Cindy and Matthew wander across the set in the name of giving me a change of pace from inputting the same eight first names over and over, and I'm briefly thankful. Fourteen minutes left on the debate clock.
Someone finally asks Dennis what he thinks, and he's fine with giving it to Angie. Mark's okay with giving the exemption to Angie. Corbin is not, because at this point, 'I need Angie to be in the game'. Which makes no sense, because if Angie gets the exemption, then she's in the game through the next episode and it's that many more opportunities to see her in the nude. Or perhaps he needs her to be in the game under high stress, instead of in the relatively relaxed state an exemption would grant. Or maybe the salt just burned through his left frontal lobe.
Mark's as confused as I am, and tries to get a clarification. Corbin begins to explain what he means, but the Rosetta Stone of his thinking is temporarily misplaced when Keshia says 'So you're being selfish, basically.'
Corbin immediately loses his train of thought and gets on the 'No, I'm being generous like you, you little (censored)!' express to Bleepville.
Rudy has just been dissed. Jaws drop all over the country.
Mark defends the Huxtable household by demanding a sorry, and gets an insincere one from Corbin. Keshia responds with a 'Whatever', and c-ts us that while she can forgive, she doesn't forget anything, then swings back into mainline filming and tells Corbin that he no longer exists in her world, which is certainly a neat trick and it would be nice if she'd teach it to the rest of us.
Tracey c-t notes that Keshia's anger is like nothing she's ever seen: all smiles. That's what growing up Cosby does to you, Tracey. You got off easy.
With eight minutes left on the debate clock, Keshia tries to find out who Corbin wants to vote for. The skies open up, the ground develops cracks, Family Guy is considered for new episode production, and Corbin does not say his own name. Instead, he proposes that the exemption be given to Dennis as twin gushes of ocean water saturate his armpits. And then a heavenly choir is heard as Keshia agrees with Corbin -- and then the sound of jaws dropping again, because Dennis doesn't want it.
Tracey gives us the c-t gem of the night: 'He doesn't want the exemption! Unbelievable! Either he's the Mole or he's Dennis Rodman.' Way to cover all the bases, Tracey.
Angie asks Dennis to give the exemption to her, apparently under the delusion that the group was in agreement for a split second and the precious pass can be hers for the low price of one more skinny-dip. She's not far off, though, because Mark and Stephen are now fine with giving Dennis one more episode, and Dennis -- well, Dennis doesn't seem to care very much. And in c-t, he tells us why. He doesn't want a free ride through the game. He wants to play the game straight on. This is the voice of an athlete who hates to win by forfeit. This is a competitor who wants the other team to show up. These are the words of the Mole. Or of Dennis Rodman. Or a space alien living on Earth under an assumed identity, protected and policed by the Men In Black. Your call.
Three and a half minutes to go on the debate clock, and everyone's fine with voting for Dennis -- including, presumably, Dennis, since 'no comment' might be taken as a 'yes' at this stage -- except for Angie. The VOOLR is joined in his arguments by Corbin, who has now sweated off an entire lagoon and can once again recognize that Dennis would be fun to have around for another game. As he notes to Ahmad, it's not him anymore that's the holdup. It's Angie, whose argument is that -- brace yourself -- she should have gotten an exemption for the previous episode's skinny-dip. Corbin's response is to tell her that getting naked may get her certain places in life, but it's not going to get her anywhere in this game.
Keshia wisely keeps her mouth shut.
Stephen points out that if she doesn't vote for Dennis, she's pulling $25,000 out of the pot. Angie's fine with that. (Apparently Angie needs the $25,000 less than we thought. And here I'd thought all those beauty product sales at CVS had no real effect on the economy.) Mark openly says the others are acting like babies, and in c-t adds 'Eight celebrities. Eight little sissies!' (In the interests of fairness, we'll include Ahmad in his count there, although it did take a brave (or desperate money-seeking man) to wear the Telemundo tuxedo.) His hat brim goes off to the side in protest.
Twenty seconds left on the debate clock, and Corbin makes his best offer: if Angie survives the next quiz, he'll tell her who the Mole is. Angie writes in her journal. Keshia says 'Corbin is a loser who's come back to redeem himself: do not give him the satisfaction!' -- jaws most pointedly do not drop -- and then counts the last few seconds off the clock.
Time's up. The pot now stands at $16,000. No exemption for anyone. And frankly, Angie, hair coloring just isn't that cheap.
Mark doesn't understand, and feels that maybe he's just playing differently. Tracey c-t decides that this is one dysfunctional family. Tracey is just saying it all tonight, isn't she?
And now we learn why Corbin wanted Angie to remain in the game. To find out if she was the Mole. So of course, to Corbin, Angie's behavior indicates Moley-Roly-Doly behavior and he's now convinced she's the Mole. That's right, Corbin: if she was the Mole, you certainly do want her to remain in the game. And with the exemption, the Mole would have stayed around for another episode. In fact, without any exemption, the Mole would be there for the entire series. So what was your point again?
Angie really, really (censored) hopes Corbin votes for her as the Mole (which is perhaps the least Mole-like thing that could ever be said) and storms out.
Ahmad notes that 'The game is always a game, and it's always on'.
Mark is confused, and not just by Ahmad’s statement. Stephen doesn't condone any of this, which makes the viewers happy knowing there's both something Stephen wouldn't condone and that his skills have advanced to the point where he can get 'condone' off a cue card without fail. Tracey blames the night's events on Angie, but can't work out whether it's the fabled redhead temper or the Mole using said temper as an excuse. Either way, Mark argues that Angie has cost the group $35,000 in one day, and if he was a pimp and one of his girls did that, he'd let her go. Apparently he wasn't as impressed with the skinny-dip as we originally thought.
Stephen c-t argues that Angie is either an idiot or the Mole. So it can't be both exactly why?
Dennis thinks Corbin was to blame for the fiasco, but he may just be having flashbacks to last season. And Corbin thinks...
(in c-t, with his eyes closed again) 'I really screwed up. My whole plan was just to lay back, sit quiet, listen, observe.' (flashback to Angie's 'behind' line, and then to Corbin, whose eyes are open again.) 'I'm not quite in that space that I was last time. I've got to get back to my game plan.'
We must now ask ourselves two questions.
1. Concerning the space Corbin was in last time: did it have padded walls?
2. What's his game plan, again?
A quick c-t series in which Mark displays his Mole temporary tattoo, Angie and Tracy guess just about everyone as the Mole, Dennis takes a wild guess and decides it's him, Keshia remains silent, and Stephen is focused on Dennis and Keshia. Corbin's guesses are not shown, but then, we know who he believes to be the Mole. Or who he said he believed to be the Mole. Or who he wanted to people to believe he said -- oh, skip it.
Commercials, and then its dinner the next day, where Corbin is still treating everything as a clue. (Stephen c-t feels Corbin's losing his mind, but you really have to consider the source on that statement.) The latest manifestation of this is Corbin counting the little candles on the table and coming up with -- ooooh -- seven, which is equal to the number of contestants and surely must be significant. There's also a shell on top of Journal #7. Obviously, Stephen c-t says, Corbin is insane. We are then treated to shots of Corbin doing facial exercises against a black c-t background, including Jaw Stretch, Paranoid Glare, Little Tramp, and Here's Johnny!
Dennis, the student of game film, manages to note that there's actually nine candles without having to run the replay (seven in the center of the table in a row, two near him). Let us all repeat: ooooh... And then Corbin strikes back by discovering that two from nine is -- seven! Wow! This is followed by Stephen deciding that the sky is very probably blue! And then Tracey realizes that yellow and blue make -- green! Which is the color of the candles! (The seven candles down the center, not the two Dennis noticed!) So Bruce is the Mole!
Stephen c-t notes that Dennis can think, even though he has body piercings and is freaky-looking. Uh-huh. This from a man with tattoos all over his body, an orange Yankee hat, and the need to turn his entire life into a walking tribute to a comedy show that went off the air when the price of haystacks for the set overtook the combined salaries of the actors.
Confrontation time, and we find out a little bit about how Dennis thinks, at least when it comes to evading answers. It starts when Stephen asks if Dennis was letting him hit the bull piñata.
Stephen wants to know why.
So why did Dennis make it so easy for Corbin?
'Because. Just think about it.' (pause) 'But if you really want to get technical about it, why didn't you just hit me in his pianna?'
There is now a brief pause while everyone works out what Dennis meant: this turns out to be a query about Stephen's order of attack, which comes down to 'I went after what I could finally reach.' But why, why, why did Dennis make it so hard for poor Stephen and so easy for Corbin? Surely not consideration for Corbin's delicate mental state, right?
Corbin proposes that Dennis was just tired, and Dennis jumps on this. Yes, he was tired. Just tired. Sleepy. Very sleepy. Getting sleepy even now. Sleepy. You are asleep. You will ignore all the evidence that Dennis may be the Mole. You will cluck like a chicken... (You know, the 'I wanted to see if he could break another bat' argument probably would have gone over better.)
Stephen can only c-t hope that Dennis and Corbin aren't playing a game and 'Taking the bull by the horns, so to speak.' I'm telling you, his cue card skills just get stronger every episode.
Ahmad reminds them that it's quiz time after dinner, and proposes a toast -- taking a moment to get Dennis' attention, as he was busy with journal writing at the time -- to wish them all good luck.
The quiz. As all questions were not shown, some of them had to be dubbed in under the DOPE system.
1. Is the Mole male or female?
2. Ten years from now, will you still be able to tell?
3. When did the Mole swing during the 'Piñata Party' game (or did s/he swing at all)?
4. Has the Mole been trying to do some swinging during the private trips into town?
5. Was the Mole wearing an earring during the 'Execution Or Bust' game?
6. Was the Mole wearing body piercings during the 'Execution Or Bust' game?
7. Was the Mole threatened with body piercing (not necessarily in the form of jewelry) during the 'Execution Or Bust' game?
8. At dinner tonight, did the Mole say that they have a tattoo?
(Corbin notes here that if he's executed tonight, he'll be a little angry with himself for having told people too much of what he believes. Why? If you're wrong enough to be executed, the more people you tell, the better the chance of taking someone down with you.)
9. At dinner tonight, did the Mole become completely obsessive with shells and candles to the point where you wanted to summon the little men in white coats?
10. Who is the Mole?
Have you figured it out? I'll give you a hint. Grabbing at the base of Corbin's neck and trying to pull the rubber mask off isn't going to do a thing.
And now -- it's time for the execution. Please have last cigars ready.
We're shown the packed bags, ready to go (oddly, the one belonging to Dennis is not shown), and the players file in past Ahmad and the Computer Of Doom. He reminds them of the pot's $16,000 value (boooo!) and Stephen's exemption, which leads to the following exchange.
Tracey: (smacks Stephen's arm) 'I hate you.'
Stephen: 'Don't hate me because I'm exempt.'
Right. You can hate him because he had the good luck to be born a Baldwin, and because he keeps getting roles in films, and because he's disgraced our sets twice now in this series, and most especially because one-tenth of his vocabulary is a single three-letter word, but certainly not because he's exempt. Let's be reasonable here.
Ahmad reminds them that the executed person must pick up their bag and leave the game -- the camera zooms in on Tracey's bag for no apparent reason -- and the random name entering begins, with Dennis first.
(what should have been a really dramatic pause)
Dennis is still in the game, and he leaps to his feet in celebration, praising the Powers That Be, which may or may not include the producers. He's happy. He's amazingly happy. He wasn't this happy when the Bulls won the title. Or the Pistons. Or when his marriage was negated. But it's not suspicious or anything. Everyone parties a little with Dennis, and then it's Keshia's turn.
(not quite as dramatic a pause)
Still in the game. She and Mark clasp hands. No one else parties a little with Keshia, and we move on to Mark -- who announces that if he goes, he's taking everybody with him.
(extremely dramatic pause while some hackers who have no idea that this isn't live TV try to hack into Ahmad's system and execute Mark)
Mark will see another day, and so will everyone else. Mark falls to his hands and knees in supplication. A number of viewers leave the same position, since it obviously did nothing. Angie's turn.
(paranoid pause while we wait to see if one of Corbin's septuple-layered beliefs turns out to be true or not)
Angie will remain. She exhales in relief, then high-fives Mark while Dennis exclaims 'Ooh, that's bad!' Whether it's bad because Angie's still around, or because he voted for Angie and nearly got knocked out of the game, or because he knows who the future executee voted for and it was Angie, or because he gave me an excuse to do another one of these seemingly endless run-on sentences that has no hope of seeing a period anytime soon, is strictly for the viewer to decide -- sure, there should have been a period there, what of it? -- there are but two players remaining who can be executed, and it's Tracey's turn...
(genuinely dramatic pause)
(still more pausing)
(oh, sorry. I had the Pause button pressed so I could catch up a little. Pushing Play.)
And what's six from seven, lads and lasses? It's one. And who is the one? The cheese. And what does the cheese do? It gets up to fetch its bag and head off to the taxi.
Ahmad types in Corbin's name as a formality, the screen goes red, and Corbin goes for his bag. Angie, Tracey, and Mark offer hugs to their majorly psychotic big brother figure. Corbin also manages to get an A-frame one from Keshia as Stephen expresses his stunned state and we listen for the flush of Corbin's hopes and dreams down a nearby toilet. The resurrectees hug, everyone applauds, Mark expresses his love for the Colonel, Tracey calls out 'Come back for number three!', and no one will be attacked with a bat in this series. (And thus the applause and the hugs, although the 'Come back for number three!' might just indicate that Tracey is the Mole for the next run. Dead players can't put money in the pot, now can they?)
And now it's time for Memories Of Corbin, in strictly hypothetical paraphrase. Contestants?
Mark: 'I liked Corbin because he was this real World War II kind of guy. You know, the one who screams 'We can take this hill!' and runs up it with guns blazing straight towards the pillbox, where he takes all the bullets that would have otherwise found a home in me.'
Angie: 'What I liked about Corbin was the way he pushed my buttons last night. It's just amazing how he managed to play me. Everything he did was directly on target. That's how you play this game. And by the way, I'm talking about how quickly he made me angry during the Exemption Or Bust game, but I had you going for a while, didn't I?'
Dennis: 'Me, I liked Corbin because it was fun to watch his mind get weaker and weaker as the game went on. Man, he was just completely losing it towards the end there. Wish he'd broken that third bat. And did you know the spine of a hardcover book can be a lethal weapon? What were they thinking when they gave him that journal?'
Stephen: 'I'm very surprised.' (Sound of toilet flushing.) 'I'm all alone out here in the battle area now, sir, and I don't know what to do. Where's my cue card telling me what to do? Can someone please tell me what to do? No, not that, people tell me to do that all the time and I still haven't figured out how!'
And Corbin? Well, he learned something after all. Namely, he learned that he's just no good at this game and he tells the host that he won't embarrass himself by trying to play it again. Maybe he's Ahmad's favorite because he played with such intensity, but declaring that running into a brick wall is actually a sport never helped in pushing through to the other side of it. So they walk out to the waiting cab, and Corbin sorrowfully looks at it and says 'I thought this was my taxi.'
Well, Corbin, it is. Because while you're not the best of actors, and you're a lousy Mole detector, and no one's going to let you near a batting cage for the rest of your life, you are a truly horrible driver. In fact, you're so bad that the New York Taxi & Limousine Commission has a medallion waiting with your name on it, and all you have to do to claim it is get this cab there. By giving directions to the driver. Using a limited knowledge of Spanish.
We'll all miss you very much. In fact, we may never see you again. And at this time, before it's too late, I have to give my own Memory Of Corbin.
I'm very, very sorry I never got to see you stuffed into a piñata and hit with a stickball bat.
(Okay, so it was more of a dream than a memory. Peace, over and out.)