LAST EDITED ON 10-16-09 AT 00:11 AM (EST)

Hey folks - this is a story I wrote a couple years ago and then gussied up for my manuscript. There's some salty language, but I'd call it pretty accurate.

Webby, if this isn't okay, let me know, and I'll edit at necessary.

Mazel Tov!

This asked by: Josh Douglas

Hey, how was Matty's Bar Mitzvah?

This according to: Tim Lucas

Oh, right, you were in Jersey visiting your grandma.
I gotta be honest - it sucked. In total. He's conservative, so there's a lot more Hebrew involved. So there wasn't much that I understood. The service was basically just Matty and Rabbi Fucks singing Hebrew for two hours. With a little English at the end, maybe.

Rabbi Fucks?

I don't know, F-u-c-h-s. Evan said it was pronounced "fucks."

Rabbi Fucks. That's great.

But this one was very, very boring. Greg Powers was sitting next to me on one side, and he picked his nose for maybe a whole 20 minutes. Gina Fraoli was playing Tetris on her phone. Most of us from school, I don't think any of us were really paying attention. Jeff Franklin fell asleep and was snoring.
The only reason I even go to the services is because I don't want to be a jerk and just show up for the party. Sometimes, they're not so bad - the ones with the English, I actually kind of like. But this one in particular ended up being fairly awful. I really wish I had ditched it. But, you know, Kim Austen and her whole group, Caitlin, Rob, that guy Adam, those guys just go to the parties.

Those guys are assholes anyway.

Yeah. They come to the party, maybe say hi to whomever's Bar Mitzvah it is, then they spend the rest of the time drinking vodka out of water bottles, or having sex in the coat room, or something like that.

Who was having sex?
Vodka?

Yeah. I think Kim steals it from her dad. They got caught at Jeremy Feinstein's party, but they keep doing it anyway. I don't think their parents really care. They were there. I didn't see them too much though, maybe when they were dancing for a while. I heard Caitlin and Rob had sex in a phone booth.

No way they did that.

I don't think they did either. Rob's too fat, anyway. It's just what Evan told me.

Evan's an idiot.

Yeah, I know.

I think Rob wants to have sex with Caitlin in a phone booth.

Probably. He looks at her boobs a lot. He looks at everyone's boobs a lot.

His boobs are as big as Caitlin's.

Definitely. I think he had to wear a sports bra for football.

That's nasty.
Was the music alright? The guy at Becca's party was awful. It was a lot of old-fart music. Disco.

I guess it was OK. Some good stuff, techno, a little Fall Out Boy, and some pretty cool rap songs I hadn't heard before.
They played a lot of terrible stuff, though. YMCA, Cha-Cha Slide, Who Let the Dogs Out for some reason. At least they gave out stupid hats for YMCA. I got a construction helmet. I think the DJ did that for Matty's parents' sake - everyone was grinding to all the rap he was playing.

They do that at every party.

Yeah, but it was pretty bad this time. There were lines of people grinding, guy-girl-guy-girl, maybe six kids or something. They got all pissed off when the DJ finally played something slower. I barely danced at all, except with Jamie for the slow stuff. We spent most of the time eating and getting wax hand-molds. I think I got like six.

They got the wax hands guy too? Didn't Seth and Lisa both just have that guy?

I don't think they talk about what party-favor guy they're gonna have in advance. I think that stuff just sort of happens. It's kind of sad that the wax hands are the most popular ones. What the hell do you do with a wax hand? It has no logical purpose!

I don't know, I kind of liked the boxers that Goldman gave out.
Wait, don't you have like, fifteen wax hands?

I do now. They still won't let me do it giving the finger. But they'll let kids try to have sex while they're dancing.

The hand guy's an asshole.

This according to: Joanna Walsh

Josh, were you really sick? You picked a good one to ditch.

Who told you I was sick? I was visiting my grandma.

Oh. I think Lauren told me that. Well, you missed some serious dancing.

That's what Tim said. Pretty gross-looking stuff, huh.

Definitely. Eric Jacobs was grinding with Liz Collins - he looked so tiny next to her. She could so bite off his head if she wanted to. She would if he had sprinkles.

You're a bitch.

Hey, Liz ate a whole box of donuts at the last softball game. I'm not making this up.
So yeah, lots of grinding. Plus, they had the wax hand guy. I think that's like five times someone's had him at their party. Maybe four. I don't know what you're supposed to do with wax hands.

Yeah, Tim said something like that, how they make no sense.

He has so many of them, though!
How many do you have? I counted last night, I have nine - I think it's six holding roses, one with the Queen of hearts, and two doing peace signs.

The ones I had melted.

How? Did you keep them in the sun?

No, George and I put them over the grill when we were bored a few weeks ago. My dad was pissed.

That must have made a mess.

It smelled pretty bad, too.

Kim got really drunk.

Tim told me she brings vodka -

All the time. She was barfing in the bathroom when I went in to take off my pantyhose. I tried to be nice to her, got her a cup of water and stuff, but she told me to go away. She's such a bitch. At least Caitlin's nice every now and then, but maybe that's because she's on the team with me.

I heard she and Rob had sex in a phone booth.

What?

It's just what Tim said. But he said he heard it from Evan. And Evan's an idiot.

He really is. I think he secretly wants Caitlin, though.
I'm pretty sure they were doing something under one of the tables. Rob's so gross - I don't know why she likes him.

Did you go to the service?

Yeah. Mom says it's tacky to just go to the party. The singing was nice. I think I'm learning some Jewish-

Hebrew.

Hebrew - whoops. There was basically no English in this one, except some speech Matty wrote about his Torah thing. I kind of feel bad for not listening. Matty's a nice guy. But there was this guy sitting in front of me who had the hugest, grossest mole on the back of his neck. It had a shadow.

That's disgusting.

It really was, and it was right near me for two hours. Plus, Jeff Franklin fell asleep and kept leaning over on to my shoulder. I don't know if he was faking it or not, but it was really annoying. I hope Matty didn't see him. I feel so bad for giving him a crappy present.

What'd you give him?

These stupid fish cuff links. My mom bought them. I told her we should just give him money, but she said that was tacky, too. I don't know when he's ever going to use cuff links. Especially fish cuff links.

Maybe his wedding.

This according to: Kim Austen

What do you mean, am I feeling ok today?

Oh... I heard you got sick at Matty's party... I was just wondering.

How do you know about it, Josh? Were you even there?

No. I was at my- ... did you get in trouble?

With who? Matty's mom? How do you know about this?

I think it might be one of those "everyone knows" things now.

Great.

How much vodka did you dr-

Why don't you ask Joanna? That bitch can't keep her mouth shut.

This according to: Matty Levine

Hey, you didn't have to give me anything. You were in Jersey, right?

Yeah, you know I would've come. You probably deserve another present anyway.

I'm just glad it's over. I messed up so many times with my Torah reading, I thought the Rabbi was gonna choke me. Guy's such a dick. Before the service, the guy says to me, "you better not screw this up." I was about to piss myself.

Wow. The guy's named Fucks for a reason.

Fucks?

That's what Tim said.

It's "fyooks."

Oh.
Well, I doubt anyone noticed the mistakes.

My parents for some reason didn't, but the Rabbi looked like he might kill me with a Torah pointer.
My grandma noticed, too. Afterwards, she was like, "Bubbaleh, are you sick? You look sick. Are you going to vomit? Maybe you should eat something." She kept trying to feed me the night before, but her food is terrible

That's normal grandma stuff.

I guess I'm glad she cares. My parents were focusing on smiling for the party. "Oh, Matty, you did such a good job!"
They were going all nuts with the sleeping arrangements, too. The night before my Bar Mitzvah, and I ended up sleeping on the couch. Moron Uncle Dan took up my bed. Maybe that's why I messed up. Not enough sleep or something. It's his fault.

Oh, Uncle Dan. That's your mom's... brother, right?

Yeah. He's the uncle who talks about pooping while eating dinner.

Oh, yeah, that guy. I'm sorry, man.
Heard your party was pretty X-rated.

Yeah, I had nothing to do with that. The DJ didn't play half the music I asked for. They played the Y-M-C-A. Not enough rap. Once everyone started grinding, I got off the floor. My parents were watching, so it was creepy. They freaked out after everyone went home. "Matty, your friends are perverts!" Even I didn't expect all that.
I heard Caitlin and Rob had sex in the coat room or something. But that's probably bullshit.

Tim said that Evan told him that.

And Evan's full of shit. The coat room at the hotel was about three feet deep. No way.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Raf Garcia set a toilet on fire with matches and hairspray.

What?

I wasn't there, but I smelled it. My mom called his parents and I think he's in deep shit. Kim Austen was puking, too. That's what Joanna told me. She brought vodka again.

How have I never heard about the vodka before?

Because you aren't cool like Kim. Adam smokes cigarettes, too. And I think Sean Phillips smokes weed.

At your party?

No. He's not that stupid.
And I got some weird-ass presents, too. I mean, I got a lot of money and stuff, but also some really stupid crap.

Like what?

Well, Rick Schapiro gave me a big ugly clock with a knight on it, I think Sabrina gave me some kind of telescope-

Hey, telescopes are cool.

Josh, I wear huge glasses, remember? How am I supposed to look through it?

Oh. I guess that is kind of stupid.

And Joanna got me cuff links for some reason. When am I gonna use cuff links?

Your wedding?

I'm thirteen.

I don't know, you asked.

The stupidest thing, though - an egg. A freaking Bar Mitzvah egg.

Like a chicken egg?

No. A big ceramic egg that says "Matty's Bar Mitzvah - Mazel Tov!" on it. Some kind of Hallmark thing. And you know who gave me it?

I have no idea who would give a Bar Mitzvah egg
.

Uncle Dan.

That actually makes sense.

No, a Bar Mitzvah egg makes no sense at all. What the hell do I do with it? It's more useless than the cuff links.

Maybe there's candy inside.

No, I shook it. Just in case. No checks or anything, either. It's a big, stupid, empty Bar Mitzvah egg.

The guy steals your bed, and he gives you an egg? You should crap in his suitcase.

I should crap in his egg is what I should do.

This according to: Raf Garcia

You heard about that, huh?

Did you get in trouble?

Mom yelled at me in the car, but by the time we got home, she was laughing about it.

You made a flamethrower at Matty's Bar Mitzvah - that's awesome.

Well, the wax hands sucked, and no girls wanted to just regular-dance, so I got bored, you know? I don't like that whole grinding thing.

Me neither. It kinda makes my balls hurt.

Good to know.
The food wasn't that good, so I didn't have much to do - I forgot my notebook in my mom's car, so I had nothing to draw on.

What was the food?

Usual kid food. Chicken fingers, fries, jalapeño poppers, fried zucchini. Anything fried.

That stuff's not bad sometimes.

Feinstein had good food. I think there was some kind of brisket and latke thing.

Yeah, deli stuff. I remember Feinstein's party.
So, how do I do the flamethrower thing?

-J Lawrence, 2009

Because this is closer to how I look...