Email this topic to a friend Printer-friendly version of this topic Bookmark this topic (Registered users only)		Previous Topic | Next Topic
Conferences Story Competitions Forum (Protected)
Original message

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:05 PM (EST) "The AMazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" INTERVIEW: "The Amazing Race" Dating Couple Tina Cameron and Jim Nolan talk Jim Nolan went on "The Amazing Race: Expedition" despite an ailing knee wounded by a gunshot over a year ago that never healed correctly, and despite "Race" partner Tina Cameron's best efforts to keep him happy, healthy, and racing, the knee gave out in Port of Napier, New Zealand. When they limped to the Pit Stop, the 29-year-old medical resident and 22-year-old assistant football coach from University Park, CA became the eleventh team to be eliminated from the Race and the last team not to race in the season's final leg. After a brief examination, Tina and Jim were flown directly to the Final Destination City, where they greeted the final three teams. On Thursday, Tina and Jim talked to RealityTVWorld.com about their experience on the Race, Tina's stated aversion to contact, how Jim's knee is doing, what it was like to push through pain, their experience with the Solid Gold alliance (themselves, "Teacher and Former Student" Carrie Burnside and Dana Quinn, "Father and Son" Charlie and Derek Forrest, and "Ex-Girlfriends" Allison "Spike" Blades and Jennifer Ellsworth,) and their side of the story regarding the suicide bombing in Tel Aviv. RealityTVWorld.com: How were you cast for the Amazing Race? Jim: We went to an open casting call in Los Angeles. I thought it would be fun to do, and I felt like Tina and I didn't spend enough time together. Tina: I sort of agreed with Jim. I was a little fearful about his knee and seemed to think I was the only one who thought he might have problems with it, but until the end, he hung in there just fine. RTVW: Jim, how's your knee now? Jim: A few weeks after I got back home, I went back to the hospital and told them that the knee never healed right. They took X-rays and confirmed that it didn't, and they agreed to correct it free of charge. After a few weeks on crutches after that, my knee healed, and I can even run now. Tina: He took a few fitness tips from Derek. Now he's up early every morning working out. It drives me up the wall. Jim: I couldn't do it before. I'm thrilled now. RTVW: Tina, you went into this with a lot of trouble with contact. I understand that you were molested by your uncle, which you revealed on the show. What has the reaction been like? Tina: Since that day, there's been a lot of support. There's also been a lot of misunderstanding, too - people ask me what I did to "dull the pain" or "take my mind off it." I didn't do anything other than study hard and make myself busy. Jim: I get a lot of people telling me how "brave" and "strong" I am for being with someone like her when, in reality, I didn't know about it until Tel Aviv. I had my own problems, and she always told me nothing like that happened, so I took it at face value. I just assumed she didn't have a good relationship with her family and was never shown much affection, and since I wasn't shown affection either, I understood. RTVW: Since neither of you seemed like the kind of person who would really date, how did you meet? Tina: I was a teaching assistant in an anatomy class that Jim was in. Jim: I had a lot of trouble in that class, and Tina helped. By the end of the semester, we were pretty good friends. Tina: After Jim got shot, I spent a lot more time with him; people assumed we were dating, so we made it official. RTVW: Jim, why didn't you tell people at first about how you hurt your knee? Jim: For the same reason Spike didn't tell people how her father died. It was a lot easier to tell people I got hurt in a game. People understood that a lot easier and the conversation geared toward my playing days, which I really enjoyed. If I told people I got shot, it turns toward the streets of L.A. and whether or not I wake up with nightmares. It was rare before the suicide bombing. RTVW: Speaking of the suicide bombing... Tina: OK, it had to come up sometime. I was pulled under the table right before the bomb went off. That's how I lived. Jim: I felt my knee buckle. I grabbed the closest thing I could, which was Tina's leg. She fell, and so did I, and it saved our lives. Tina's leg saved my life. Tina: Jim's hands saved my life. Jim: We take care of each other. RTVW: You seemed a little like the outsider team in the Solid Gold alliance for a while. Was that true? Tina: At first, yes. I wasn't interested in anything more than friendship with the other teams at first, but when Carrie reached out to me, I felt more like I could trust the alliance. Jim: I was a little afraid of the alliance at first, since Michigan looked a little too strong, and I felt like we couldn't wedge our way into their tight-knit group. They survived the bombing together. We were separate from them. RTVW: Jim, why pick right after the bombing to tell people about your knee? Jim: I was talking to Charlie before they brought out Tina, and I started to understand where he was coming from. He lost a close friend in war. He almost lost his son. So why was I lying about something as stupid as how I hurt my knee? The story I told people stopped making sense to me in Tel Aviv. RTVW: Tina, what prompted you to open up? Tina: The stories that Spike and Carrie were telling brought back some painful memories. I didn't want to tell people, but I knew they could see how upset I was, and I couldn't think of another reason to tell them why I was crying. So I told them the truth. Jim: As I heard her talk, I felt like I knew her a lot better, and the way she acted suddenly made sense to me. Tina: People started to see why I reacted the way I did in Switzerland when Carrie put her arm around me. I couldn't even shake someone's hand without recoiling in horror. RTVW: Not to push too deep, but how are you doing now? Tina: Much better. Jim and I hold hands every place we go, and I'm not afraid of contact anymore. Jim: As long as she knows it's coming. Tina: Yes, this is true. If someone touches me by surprise, I still freak out, but other than that, I'm a lot better. Some of the feelings are still there, but counseling and being around Jim has really helped things. RTVW: Recently, a man claiming to be your father has spilled a lot of secrets about what happened to you during your childhood. Have you read that? Tina: Yes, I have, and that man is definitely my father. I haven't spoken to him in over four years; I was upset before the Race, but since then, I just haven't had the time and I wouldn't know what to say. Jim: Since I never had a relationship with my parents that went beyond, "We'll feed you and clothe you until you're 18, and then get the hell out," I never felt like I was in any position to tell her what to do about her father. Tina: I just hope the next words I hear aren't, "Well, Tina, we have a surprise for you." {Tina and Jim both laugh.} RTVW: Going in a different direction, while you were on the Race, other than the Solid Gold teams, were there any other friendships you made? Tina: As a pediatric resident, I was able to relate to {"Hogettes" Reggie McGowan and Dan August} very easily. I think they were probably the most well-liked team on the Race. Even {"Married Parents" Jeffrey and Bryan Masters} didn't have anything bad to say about them. Jim: Well, besides "What the hell's with the pig noses?" Tina: And we all asked that question. RTVW: Aside from Jeffrey and Bryan, were there any teams you butted heads with? Jim: From time to time, sure. But nothing serious. We mostly ran our own race and did the best we could for ourselves. We didn't have time for other teams' shenanigans. RTVW: Tina, at one point you accused Bryan of being unfaithful to his wife. Why did you pull that punch? Tina: Because I could. If I thought I could get inside their heads by accusing them of eating puppies, I would have; they didn't play by the rules, so why should I? RTVW: Jim, what was it like to be in a challenge with Survivor players? Jim: Different. I thought about going on Survivor, but I was afraid I'd have to come up with a lot more lies than I was ready to in order to get by. Besides, if I made the family visit, people might wonder why Tina wasn't all over me. Tina: That might be the most depressing family visit ever. Jim: You're doing better now, and so am I. RTVW: So what's next for you guys? Back to your school? Jim: We're playing in the Rose Bowl, so we need to be at our best. I've focused most of my energy on the big game, and the rest has gone toward Tina. Tina: I'm busy trying to get on with a pediatric practice within USC for when my residency ends. I love my work, but I'll love it even more during regular business hours. The Show Begins - air date 12/24/2008 The opening shot is of Niagara Falls, Canada; near the Falls, the teams are shown lined up in an arc. Noticeably, only twelve teams are present. Phil (voice-over): Previously on the Amazing Race...twelve teams of two took off from Niagara Falls, Canada, on a race around the world. Right away, one team took an early advantage. Agent: Welcome to the United States. Steve: Steve and Darius, you're team number one. Phil (voice-over): The differences between ex-girlfriends Spike and Jennifer came out right away. Team confessional between Spike and Jennifer. Spike: Before the show, I was a pretty heavy smoker; I was up to about four packs a day. Sadly, Jen hates it, and she's lucky I don't get to smoke out here. Jennifer: So she loaded up on chewing gum and nicotine patches before the Race. It's about half the weight of her bag, which is fine because she dresses light, too. Phil (voice-over): The frustration between dating couple Bobby and Caroline reached a boiling point early. Caroline: Pick up the pace, Bobby; we're leaving snail tracks. Bobby: I can't pick up the pace when all you do is yell at me about my driving! Caroline: If you would just drive normally, I wouldn't have to-- Bobby: Everything I do out here is wrong! Caroline: No, only when you do things wrong is it wrong. Bobby (screaming): I was doing fine until you told me not to take the Rainbow Bridge! Oh, sure, the Peace Bridge is the way to go. All the other teams took the Rainbow Bridge because all the other teams had navigators who weren't tyrannical bitches! Caroline: Fine. You know what? You navigate the damn car yourself. See if I care. Phil (voice-over): At the ticket counter, married parents Jeffrey and Bryan had a situation. Jeffrey: I need two tickets to Montreal, fastest available. Agent: Right now, the fastest available leaves soon at 11:45 AM, goes through Dulles and Phila-- Jeffrey: What? You're sending me through Dallas? What kind of stupid, brainless-- Agent: Dulles, ma'am. Not Dallas. Dulles is in Washington D.C. Jeffrey (screaming): Don't you think I know that? Don't insult my intelligence! Get me the man in charge right now! Phil (voice-over): Sisters Leilani and Kea capitalized, following Jeffrey's outburst with extreme niceness. Kea: Thanks, sweetheart. You're the best. Agent (smiling): You're quite welcome. Have a safe trip. Kea looks over at Jeffrey, who's seated between two security guards. Kea: Next time, try being nice, bitch. Phil (voice-over): At McGill University in Montreal, teams got their first Detour. Darius: I don't know what the hell a Nobel Laureate is. Steve: Athlete then? Phil (voice-over): Spike and Jennifer still couldn't work together. Jennifer reaches over and grabs Spike's No-Doz, spilling them everywhere. Spike: What the hell? Now I have to go pick every one of those up, and-- Jennifer: Forget the damn No-Doz; hurry up and go! Phil (voice-over): College friends Alex and Elena got frustrated by a searching task. Alex: What did we do? We have seven! Librarian: Not all of these are right. Try again. Phil (voice-over): Father and future son-in-law Ray and Jamal got bogged down kicking footballs. Ray: Are you going to sit here and yell at me or are you going to kick the football? Jamal: What the hell's the difference? Even once I clear the goal line, you won't be happy! You've never been happy! Ray: What would you know about happy? Jamal: A lot more than you, your humorless bastard! Phil (voice-over): And a rivalry developed between Jeffrey and Bryan and Bobby and Caroline. (confessional) Jeffrey: OK, so I'm not always easy to put up with. But I'm not half as bad at Bobby. I don't think anyone is as bad as Bobby. Phil (voice-over): As the two teams battled to stay out of last, Bobby got increasingly frustrated. (confessional) Bobby: The easiest place to hide something from me is right in front of me. And that felt like what was going on. It should have been right there, and it was, but I wasn't seeing it. Phil (voice-over): Dating couple Tina and Jim revealed a secret right off the bat. (confessional) Jim: Since I was thirteen, I've had a condition called alopecia, where my hair fell out and no new hair grew back in. As a result, all through high school and college, I've been bald. I just got used to it to the point where stupid people calling me a "skinhead" don't even bother me anymore. Phil (voice-over): Father and son Steve and Darius couldn't handle the Roadblock. Supervisor: You need a steady hand. Here, watch. The supervisor takes the machine and demonstrates for Darius; Darius nods as if to understand, and tries it himself, getting the same results he had before. Supervisor: If you cannot keep it in the bottle, I will be forced to issue you a penalty. Phil (voice-over): Despite a difficult leg, Alex and Elena finished first. Cut to Alex and Elena at the Pit Stop in San Juan. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): On the way to the Pit Stop, teacher and former student Carrie and Dana ran out of gas. Dana: Wait, what the hell? Carrie: It's running out of gas! Dana: That's impossible; this thing has half a tank! Phil (voice-over): However, against Ray's wishes, Jamal picked them up and took them to the Pit Stop. Jamal: Hop in; I'll take you to the Pit Stop. Dana: You guys are too nice. Can we fit? Ray: Yeah, if you don't mind squishing me. Team confessional, Ray and Jamal. Ray: Jamal made a decision I didn't agree with just because I think he has a soft spot for Dana. I don't really like this, especially considering he's thinking about marrying my daughter. Jamal: What Ray doesn't understand is that I made a strategic alliance, and I want to be on Carrie's good side. Phil (voice-over): Despite nicotine withdrawal and a shortness of breath, Spike pushed through the pain and finished the leg. Team confessional, Spike and Jennifer. Spike: The Pit Stop was the first time I really realized how much of a toll smoking took on my body. I could barely breathe, and you could have pushed me over with a feather. Jennifer: You did amazingly well, though. I was impressed. Phil (voice-over): In the battle to stay out of last, Jeffrey and Bryan moved up. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number nine! Phil (voice-over): Bobby and Caroline finished last, but they received good news. Cut to Bobby and Caroline at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm...pleased to tell you, however, that this is not an elimination leg, and you're both still in the Race. Phil (voice-over): Upon learning that this leg was just practice, Ravers Hayley and Alexis were livid. (confessional) Alexis: You had to be f------ kidding me. None of this counted? Our second place was good for absolutely nothing? This is a joke. Phil (voice-over): At the actual starting line, the twelve teams were greeted with two surprises. Phil: The twelve of you have no idea what's in store for you next. Well, I'm about to tell you. You will be joined this season by a 13th team, and here they are. Cut to dating couple Eric and Jessica exiting an SUV. Team confessional, Debra and Bob. Debra: When Eric and Jessica came out of that car, I was in shock. Bob: Debra and I watched Big Brother every time it was on, and we were huge fans of theirs. Phil (voice-over): And when father and son Charlie and Derek stepped out of their vehicle, the Race's second official rivalry began. Derek: You go around telling us you're gunning for us, and you don't expect us to laugh? If you beat us to the Pit Stop, I'll sing the Ohio State fight song. When we get there first, I'll be waiting, and you'll be belting out the Michigan fight song. Phil: Wait a minute, is this an official wager? Bryan: I just hope you know the words. Phil (voice-over): Elena showed her knowledge of the first destination in Chile. (confessional) Elena: It's kind of the same thing going on in Alaska, where they have the Midnight Sun. It's warm in Alaska now, but the flip side is that, at the other end of the world, it's really dark and really cold. We'll probably freeze half to death. Phil (voice-over): On the plane, Ray and Jamal got an advantage right away. Team confessional, Ray and Jamal. Jamal: We got off the plane with a pretty big advantage; we were first off the plane, and thanks to Ray, we knew exactly where we were going. Ray: On the flight from Puerto Montt to Punta Arenas, I talked to someone who was familiar with the area, and he sent us right to the statue of Magellan that we needed to go to. Phil (voice-over): While Charlie and Derek's risky navigating got them into last place. Derek: I could have sworn this was a shortcut. Charlie: I'm sure it was. Did anyone tell you there was road construction? Phil (voice-over): The terrain grew more inhospitable as the leg progressed. Jamal: It looks like hell on Earth that we're going to. Ray: Probably not far from it, if people can't live here. Phil (voice-over): Married BMX racers Debra and Bob had trouble at a shooting task. Bob (to Debra): This isn't working. Debra: Do you want to switch? Bob: Try one more shot. If you miss, we switch. Phil (voice-over): The Roadblock was far more brutal than anticipated, and some teams regretted their choices of who should do the task. Team confessional, Spike and Jennifer. Spike: And just our luck, the clue basically involves staying up, reading a map, and steering a boat. Jennifer: I'm the kind of person who needs her eight hours at night. Spike: And I don't, but I'm glad Jen did it because I didn't have any caffeine pills. Phil (voice-over): Bobby continued to behave in a lax manner, and it became apparent to Caroline. Bobby: Now all I need is my Xbox 360, and it's just like a moving version of home. Caroline: If you want it to be like home, strip to your underwear and kick your feet up. Phil (voice-over): Bryan got careless with his boat. Bryan: Brush up on the Ohio State first song, losers--wait, what's going on? The boat gets out of his control, and he spins out in the water, facing 165 degrees away from his original direction. Phil (voice-over): And Charlie and Derek reached the top. Cut to Charlie and Derek at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): While Bryan was forced to sing his arch-rival's fight song. Bryan (singing): Hail, to the victors, valiant, Hail, to the conquering heroes, Hail, hail, to Michigan, The champions of the Weeeeeest. Phil (voice-over): An exhausted Carrie dug deep with Dana's encouragement. Dana: Come on, you can do it! Dig deep, Carrie! Just remember, there's a big slice of cheesecake at the end! Carrie (deliriously): There better be a bed at the end. Phil (voice-over): And they won a race against a frustrated Bobby and Caroline. Caroline (shouting): Do you want to win so I don't yell at you about getting a job? Bobby: Well, yeah-- Caroline (furious): Then f------ do what I say! Phil (voice-over): Despite being fed up with each other, Bobby and Caroline stayed in the Race. Caroline: Next time, work with me a little bit, and we might finish higher. Bobby: Next time, get the f--- off my back. Caroline: Don't talk to me like that. Bobby: You talk to me like that all the time. Caroline: I'm allowed to. Phil (voice-over): And the first team to be eliminated was Debra and Bob. Cut to Debra and Bob at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): In Rio de Janeiro, Derek enjoyed the local culture and showed off what he had learned. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: I won a reward on Survivor that gave me a bunch of vacations, and when Derek started seeing Danni, I sent them to Rio because it sounded like fun for them. Derek: Believe me, it was, and when I wasn't off playing volleyball or dancing with Danni, I was picking up some of the local language. Phil (voice-over): Two teams went for the Fast Forward. Hayley: Come on, Alexis! Just a little farther! Cut to the bottom of the mountain, where Eric and Jessica are just arriving. Phil (voice-over): Hayley and Alexis won it, and they finished first. Cut to Hayley and Alexis at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): Eric and Jessica didn't win it, and they finished last. Cut to Eric and Jessica at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): On the way to Scotland, Jeffrey showed her dark side, and Tina took offense. Tina (shouting back): I know I was here first! Get behind me and wait your turn! Jeffrey: No! You get behind me! That's where your kind belongs anyway - back of the line with you, half-breed n-- Tina cuts her off. Tina: Don't even think about saying the next word, you do-nothing piece of s---. Team confessional, Tina and Jim. Tina: I've grown up with a lot of prejudice because of my ethnic background. I'm biracial; my father is black, and my mother was white. Phil (voice-over): The first U-Turn of the Race was used by Jeffrey and Bryan against Bobby and Caroline. Bobby: Son of a bitch! Caroline: Not cool. Just not cool. Bobby: We're coming after Jeffrey and Bryan. They're gone. Phil (voice-over): And it cost them big, as they finished last, but the news was good for them once again. Cut to Bobby and Caroline at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm...pleased to tell you, however, that this is a non-elimination leg, and the two of you are still alive. This is one of three pre-determined non-elimination points. Team confessional, Bobby and Caroline. Bobby: And I was waiting for Phil to say, "But you have to eat a live snake at the Roadblock" or something to punish us for being last, but nothing came. Caroline: It was like being given a reprieve and then nothing. No penalty. We were home free. Phil (voice-over): On the next leg, though, they got their penalty. Caroline (continuing): From this point, if you do not finish in first or second place in this leg, you will incur a 30-minute penalty at the Pit Stop. Consider yourselves marked for elimination. Phil (voice-over): But they found a way to avoid the penalty. Caroline: Fast Forward. Let's do it. Phil (voice-over): And it paid off. Cut to Bobby and Caroline at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): The Roadblock got violent, but no rules were broken. Jeffrey (shouting): That's a foul! Call something! Throw her out! Give her a time penalty! Do something! Referee: That was a clean hit! Jeffrey: F--- you! Phil (voice-over): After a strong finish, Carrie and Derek got close. Carrie: I'll see you back at the Pit Stop, hot stuff. Phil: I've never seen anything like this. Derek: What the hell just happened? Charlie: Son, you just became a stud. Derek: Danni's going to kill--wait a minute. Do you have a pierced tongue? Carrie opens her mouth to reveal two silver tongue rings. Dana (smiling, giving a thumbs-up): Niiiice. Phil (voice-over): At the same time, however, Bryan's actions caused injury to Spike. Bryan: I'm taking you down, Spike. You're going down! Spike takes the ball and stands behind several blockers; Bryan tries to get to her but is failing. The red-shirts drive the ball forward toward the goal line, and Spike stays behind them. At the goal line, Spike tears through the line and lunges forward with her ball-carrying arm; the referee watches intensely, and Spike attempts to cross the goal line with her palm. Bryan reaches out and grabs at what appears to be air, missing Spike entirely. Panning to the referee indicates that the try is good; he reaches for the clue. Panning back to Spike and Bryan reveals that Bryan has his finger caught in Spike's nose ring. Spike doesn't appear to know what's going on. Bryan, in apparent bewilderment, pulls his finger back, tugging hard on the nose ring. He pulls it clear out of Spike's nose; she immediately grabs her nose in pain, and it begins to gush blood. Phil (voice-over): But it was a game of rock-paper-scissors that determined the outcome. Hayley: Do you want to switch or should I? Darius: Rock-paper-scissors? Hayley: All right. Both Hayley and Darius make fists, counting off "one, two"... ...and on three, they reveal. Hayley plays paper. Darius plays rock. Hayley: I'm staying put. Darius: Fair's fair. Phil (voice-over): And it cost Steve and Darius the Race. Cut to Steve and Darius at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): In the next leg, Bobby and Caroline took revenge on Jeffrey and Bryan. Caroline: We choose to U-Turn Jeffrey and Bryan. Bobby: Have a nice day, assh----. Phil (voice-over): And the bad blood between Bryan and Spike continued. Spike (stunned): What the--what the hell is on my sandwich? Spike removes the top bun and noticed the carrot and green pepper, appearing puzzled at first until she spots the mushroom. Spike recoils in horror, dropping the sandwich and cowering away from it; she begins to dry-heave, attempting to cough up anything that might have touched the mushroom. Spike darts off to the bathroom with her Gatorade in hand; behind her; Bryan is desperately trying to contain his laughter. Jennifer turns around and sees Bryan begin to giggle. Jennifer: What the hell, man? What the f--- is so f------ funny? Bryan bursts out laughing and doesn't give an obvious response. Jennifer: You did that on purpose! You knew she was allergic, and you tried to kill her just to get ahead in the game! You're a bastard! You're a f------ monster! Phil (voice-over): Both teams got a warning, and they split up, but the bitterness remained. Jennifer: Do you feel all right? Is there anything I can do? Spike: Help me kill the bastards. Phil (voice-over): Alex and Elena got the Fast Forward by singing a French anthem. Elena (singing; Alex is backing up): Cé qu’è lainô, le Maitre dé bataille, Que se moqué et se ri dé canaille... Alex (singing; Elena is backing up): A bin fai vi, pé on desande nai, Qu’il étivé patron dé Genevoi. Soldier (in a thick French accent): Perfect. You have won. Phil (voice-over): Leilani and Kea, however, had cab problems. Leilani: What the--this isn't right! Didn't you tell him to wait? Kea: Wait? I thought they--damnit. I forgot. And now they have our stuff. Leilani: Nice going. Now we're f------ screwed. Phil (voice-over): And it cost them the Race. Cut to Leilani and Kea at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): On the way to the Czech Republic, Tina revealed that she has trouble with contact. Carrie reaches up and places her arm on Tina's shoulder; Tina cringes and almost falls forward as if she's in pain. Carrie: I'm sorry; did I hurt you? Tina is on her knees shaking in fear. (confessional) Tina: I'm not good with unexpected contact, and I think that what Carrie tried to do was nice and all, but the contact just made it impossible to concentrate. Phil (voice-over): The latest twist in the Race was the Intersection, and a new super-team was formed for the Race. Alex: So wait. There's an Intersection? Are we working with you guys? Charlie: Looks like it. Elena: We'll be unstoppable. Derek: Let's go. Phil (voice-over): An odd couple made it to the end, and Jennifer got revenge for Spike against Jeffrey and Bryan. Referee: Five points! The referee hands Jennifer the clue as she begins to shed the fencing gear; Jeffrey waits on the side with Bryan. Spike and Jennifer run into the castle, dashing down several stairs. Phil (voice-over): The battle to stay out of last came down to a fencing match between Dana and Jamal. (confessional) Dana: We were one point away from essentially being eliminated, and I knew that, with our luck, there's no way this was non-elimination. Sure, we could get into first or second on the next leg, but it wasn't our luck. Phil (voice-over): But Dana came back, and Ray and Jamal met their end. Cut to Ray and Jamal at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): As teams headed to Africa, Carrie was recovering from a medical emergency. Cut back to Carrie and Derek; Carrie is drinking a fruit drink and eating a pear. Derek: So how are you holding up since the Pit Stop? Carrie: I'm better. Thanks for keeping me company. Phil (voice-over): Derek's heart was in another place, though. Derek: This is the first time I feel like I should be home with Danni instead of here. I love her and I miss her. Charlie: Is this because it's her birthday? You knew about-- Derek: That doesn't make it easy, Dad. Phil (voice-over): Inspired, Charlie and Derek won the leg. Cut to Charlie and Derek at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): Bobby and Caroline couldn't navigate the Detour. Caroline: Really smart, Bobby. Hit the horse. That's going to make it do what you want. Bobby: Forget it. This was a bad idea. Let's go to the other option. Caroline: All you have to do is go one mile. Bobby: That's too long for this stupid horse! Let's go! Phil (voice-over): And they finished last again, but for the third time, they were spared, but the news still wasn't good. Phil: The penalties from the Toll Booth will be stiffer. You are over two hours out of eighth place. This will be a very difficult leg for you guys. Phil (voice-over): Since Bobby and Caroline couldn't use the Fast Forward, it went to Reggie and Dan. Reggie: Fast Forward. Dan: Let's go for it. Reggie: We're a million miles ahead of Colorado. Dan: And a million miles behind every other team. We need this. Phil (voice-over): They succeeded and finished first. Cut to Reggie and Dan at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): Bobby and Caroline couldn't make up enough ground and were eliminated after finishing last for the fourth time. Cut to Bobby and Caroline at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): At the beginning of the next leg, the rivalry between Alexis and Spike reached an apex. Spike (sharply): Don't you dare talk about my father like that. He loved me. Alexis: Sure he did. That's why he left. Spike (shouting): My father didn't leave, you f------ #####! He's been dead since I was eight! How f------ dare you talk about him like that! F--- you, bitch! Phil (voice-over): When Hayley tried to make peace with Jennifer over the incident, Jennifer plotted revenge. (confessional) Jennifer; Begging's completely against the rules this season, and I know that. But Hayley's gullible and she bought what I said hook, like, and sinker, so hopefully that gets them out. Phil (voice-over): While Hayley and Alexis begged, four teams took on a new twist called toe Loan Shark to get more money within the rules. Spike: Loan Shark. Who here needs money? Derek: I think we all do. Spike: Well, I think we need to get it within the rules. There's a coffee shop down the street here; let's go. Phil (voice-over): Derek, Carrie, and Spike went into the coffee shop while Charlie and Jennifer recovered from ailments and Dana stayed with them. Cut to Derek helping Carrie and Spike translate texts. Phil (voice-over): Tina and Jim went in together to do another task. Cut to Tina and Jim by a statue. Phil (voice-over): While they were in the coffee shop, Spike caught wind of an unusually-dressed man. Spike (to Derek): Get a load of that guy. It's a hundred degrees and he's all bundled up. Phil (voice-over): Derek suspected danger, and his suspicions were confirmed as the man attacked the coffee shop in a suicide bombing. Ragged man (shouting): Allahu akbar! (Subtitle: God is great!) He presses what appears to be a button on his torso. In the back, Jim suddenly winces in pain and falls to his knees, grabbing onto Tina and bringing her down. Derek grabs Spike and Carrie by the backs of the neck and drops. From the street, an explosion is seen from inside the coffee shop. The entire street rattles as fire, smoke, and shattered glass flies from the shop, causing neighboring shops' glass to break. The explosion sound is deafening, and screams from neighboring shops and the streets are heard. Phil (voice-over): One by one, the players were pulled to safety by the Israeli military. (confessional) Charlie (tearing up): The worst feeling I've ever had was thinking my son was dead, and the best was seeing him walk out unharmed. Phil (voice-over): The incident prompted Jim to come clean about his injury. Jim: I didn't get hurt in a football game. I was shot. Phil (voice-over): While Charlie told his own tragic story. Charlie: I watched my best friend die in front of me in Grenada. They killed him and wounded me. That's why I don't have all my fingers. Phil (voice-over): An upset Spike told her fellow survivors the truth about her father. Carrie: Please, Spike. Tell us. What happened to your dad? Spike: He-he was-- Spike swallows hard. Spike: I can't do this. Carrie: I won't force the issue. You don't have to talk about-- Spike (sharply): My father was murdered. Phil (voice-over): In consoling Spike, Carrie confessed her own secret. Carrie: I'm so sorry, Spike. I'm so sorry. Spike: You didn't do anything. You didn't kill my dad. Carrie: I killed my son. Spike: What? Carrie (crying uncontrollably): My son died in a car accident three years ago. I was driving, and my ex-husband left me because of it. I was driving. Phil (voice-over): And Tina's reason for her shy, standoffish behavior was revealed. Tina (sobbing): I-I'm so ashamed. Y-you're all g-going t-to hate me for this. Jim: I can't possibly hate you. No one here hates you. You didn't send that suicide bomber, did you? Tina (hanging her head): I was molested. Phil (voice-over): And out of the surviving teams, a new alliance was born. Derek: We stick together, and we will not be defeated. I want to hear Solid Gold on three, ready? One, two, three-- All eight (emphatically): Solid Gold! Phil (voice-over): As the survivors of the suicide bombing stood together, Jeffrey and Bryan took the Fast Forward and finished first. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): Hayley and Alexis learned the penalty for falling for Jennifer's trick at the Pit Stop. Phil: Hayley and Alexis...you are the second team to arrive. Alexis (angrily): What? Phil: However, you have violated this season's rules on begging. Your penalty time is 78 minutes, starting now. Phil (voice-over): Alex and Elena caught up, as did Reggie and Dan. Cut to Alex and Elena checking in, then to Reggie and Dan. Phil (voice-over): The Solid Gold teams, fearing the worst, debated on who should be eliminated. Carrie: It can't be you guys. You need to go up first. Jim: That's crazy. With my knee, we don't stand a chance. Spike: Look. I'll probably spend the money on drugs and cigarettes. You guys need the money more. Carrie: I was going to volunteer to go out because we're the weakest-- Charlie: Now listen here, Carrie. You need the money. I got everything I wanted on Survivor. Derek and I will go. He's going pro in a year, and I have enough money from the Navy. Spike: After Derek saved our lives, there's no way we're letting you go out. Derek: It's OK, guys. Besides, I'm crossing my fingers none of us will go out. But if someone does, it will be us. Phil (voice-over): But they got good news at the Pit Stop when they found out another team hadn't checked in. Phil: You're all still in the Race. Derek: Wait a minute, who's last then? A quick pan to the side shows Hayley and Alexis walking up; the time on their penalty clock shows 0:37. Hayley: Nice trick, Jennifer. Phil (voice-over): And Hayley and Alexis were eliminated. Cut to Hayley and Alexis at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): The teams went to China, and the frightening experiences continued. Charlie: Good Lord, Derek; are you an animal? Derek: Come on, Dad. I survived hockey season and a damn suicide bomber. You think a few little peppers are going to hurt me? Derek stuffs the last pepper in his mouth and swallows almost instantly with a big smile on his face; he soon indicates trouble breathing. Carrie: Derek, slow down. Derek: I'm finished. I just need some milk to stop the burning. Derek's speech gets even more slurred. He pours himself some milk, but he appears more uncoordinated; it splashes everywhere, and as he tries to take a drink, he spills it on his face. Carrie: Derek, are you all right? Derek (slurred and muffled): I can't breathe. Phil (voice-over): But Spike thought quickly and helped the medics save Derek's life. Spike: Give him an epipen. Do it. I know you have them. Dana: How the hell do you know that? Spike: They have to carry them. I'm allergic to mushrooms, and they know that. Phil (voice-over): At the Roadblock, the teams faced players from Survivor: China. Jeff: Survivors, you will be competing tournament-style with these seven teams. One member of each team will be in the tournament, so you will each have to win four matches to reach the end. These teams are from the upcoming season of the Amazing Race and are stopping here for the challenge. Charlie: I try to get out, but you keep pulling me back in. Phil (voice-over): With the Race teams playing for time credit, Jim came out on top. Jeff: Charlie out of stars and options! Jim: I'm just going to use a sword next, so sorry Charlie. Jeff: Jim wins the trip! Phil (voice-over): And with their time boost, Tina and Jim made their way to the top. Cut to Tina and Jim at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): Reggie and Dan struggled with kung fu at the Shaolin Temple. Team confessional, Reggie and Dan. Dan: The downfall of the Race for me ended up being kung fu. I've done plenty of harder things than this, but for whatever reason, kung fu sank me. Phil (voice-over): And it cost them the Race. Cut to Reggie and Dan at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): The alliance between Charlie and Derek and Carrie and Dana strengthened as the teams traveled into Japan. Carrie: Fly to Tokyo, Japan and find--OK, we're waiting for Charlie and Derek. Phil (voice-over): The alliance took in a reluctant Tina and Jim. Tina: I still don't get it. Carrie: Do you need my help with the last one? Tina: I hope this is good enough. (confessional) Tina: I was really grateful that Carrie helped us out. She's not just in this for herself and Derek; she's serious about the alliance, so maybe I should be, too. Phil (voice-over): Jeffrey, however, got frustrated with the task. Jeffrey: Get us into a f------ taxi and get us to that s---hole Hiroshima. Bryan: Now calm down-- Jeffrey (sharply): Don't f------ tell me to calm down. I had to sit there with hands shaking and try to draw those ridiculous characters created by some short bastards who can't be bothered to learn English, and you wonder why I'm f------ upset? Phil (voice-over): Jeffrey's tirades continued in Hiroshima. Bryan: This is a tribute to a girl who believed that folding cranes would save her life. Jeffrey: And what kind of stupid belief is that? Why the f--- should I participate? Bryan: You're not making this easy. Just fold one. Jeffrey (shouting): If you wanted this to be easy, maybe you should have gone on this f------ show with your brother instead of me! Phil (voice-over): While Alex and Elena stayed ahead of the pack and finished first... Cut to Alex and Elena at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): Jeffrey's refusal to participate in tasks cost her team, and she and Bryan finished last. However, they got a reprieve with a strong warning. Phil: I'm...pleased to tell you, however, that this is the last of three pre-determined non-elimination legs in the Race, and you are both still alive. Bryan cracks a smile; even Jeffrey appears happy. Phil: However, I do have some bad news. Jeffrey, you did not complete the Roadblock in Tokyo and you did not participate in the crane-folding here in Hiroshima. By rule, the penalty for failure to complete a Roadblock is a four-hour penalty, and for failure to complete the cranes, you incur another 30-minute penalty. You were only two minutes out of fifth places, but now your deficit is over four-and-a-half hours. Phil (voice-over): On the way to Sapporo, Alex and Elena seized and opportunity. Elena: We choose to U-Turn Charlie and Derek. Team confessional, Alex and Elena. Elena: We U-Turned Charlie and Derek because we had to. If we didn't use the U-Turn, someone would have used it on us. Phil (voice-over): The plan backfired, however, as Charlie and Derek completed both U-Turn tasks and still finished first. Cut to Charlie and Derek at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): And despite the handicap, Jeffrey and Bryan caught up and avoided a time penalty. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number TWO! Phil (voice-over): Alex and Elena struggled, and they ran out of steam and were eliminated. Cut to Alex and Elena at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): In Australia, Bryan's gamesmanship gave his team an edge. Bryan: It's a good day to die, half-breed. Tina: Go to hell, rich bastard. Both Tina and Bryan take off running for the cab in a sprint. Jim hobbles to the cab, carrying his backpack; Jeffrey frantically looks among the other possibilities for a cab. Tina and Bryan reach the cab at about the same time. Bryan stops suddenly while Tina heads for the back door of the cab, but as she does, she trips and falls forward. Bryan leaps over her and into the cab. He rolls down his window and looks out. Bryan: Tough luck, bitch. Tina: F--- you. Phil (voice-over): And Carrie mastered the Roadblock. (confessional) Carrie: Any time in the clue you saw the word "left," "right," "straight," or "turn around," it was directions through the maze. I solved it with no trouble. Phil (voice-over): And she and Dana reached the top. Cut to Carrie and Dana at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): And after a photo finish, Spike and Jennifer were in last, but they didn't take it lying down. Phil: Spike and Jennifer...you are the last team to arrive. Jennifer: Not so fast, Phil. I want a review of that little rock-kick move that son-of-a-bitch just pulled. Bryan: What "move"? Jennifer: The one that caused Spike to roll her ankle, and don't act all innocent. You and I both know that you did it on purpose. Phil (voice-over): The ruling went against Spike and Jennifer, and though they were eliminated, their anger with Jeffrey and Bryan continued. Phil: I reviewed the tape, and we took a vote backstage regarding the incident. Phil looks at Spike's ankle and back up at her and Jennifer. Phil: We did not see a kicking motion. It looked as if the rock was kicked by a regular running motion, and therefore, we are forced to rule it an accident. Jeffrey and Bryan, you will stay in the Race and not incur a time penalty. Bryan pumps his fist and makes a taunting gesture at Spike; Jeffrey glares at Jennifer. Phil: Spike and Jennifer, I am extremely sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Jennifer: It's fine. Those bastards will get what's coming to them. Bryan: Yeah, a million dollars, bitches. Phil (voice-over): Jeffrey and Bryan's shrewd gamesmanship claimed another victim in New Zealand. Bryan: This is great; those dumb f---- think we're Stanford. Bryan hits the gas as the car surges forward; Bryan speeds away, shouting and hollering with his window down. Bryan: Yeeeeeee-haw! Thanks for the lift, bitches! Bryan gives a blurred middle finger to Tina and Jim. Jim: Did we just help out-- Tina: Yes. Yes, we did. Let's get moving. Phil (voice-over): Jeffrey and Bryan rode this new lease on life to the top. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan at the Pit Stop. Phil: You're team number ONE! Phil (voice-over): Jim's knee gave out at the worst possible time, however. Jim: Let's get going--aagh! Jim falls to the ground, clutching his right knee. Tina: Oh my God, are you OK? Jim: What the hell does it look like? Tina: We need medical! Phil (voice-over): And their time in the Race reached an end. Cut to Tina and Jim at the Pit Stop. Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race. Phil (voice-over): Three teams remain. Who will win one million dollars? The opening credits begin to roll. At first, a Mercator projection of the world in black, green, and yellow, with the Amazing Race logo superimposed over it cuts to a view of an airplane flying above a layer of clouds. The phrase "14 teams of 2" appears on screen. The first team shown on screen is Leilani and Kea against an island backdrop. The credits continue to Carrie and Dana outside a college building, Hayley and Alexis in front of a row of prison cells, Reggie and Dan outside FedEx Field, Bobby and Caroline in front of their Colorado home, Ray and Jamal in front of a panoramic shot of the Gulf of Mexico, Tina and Jim on a football field sideline with a medical pod in the backdrop, Debra and Bob on a hilly road with their bikes, Alex and Elena on a college green, Jeffrey and Bryan in front of a construction site, Spike and Jennifer outside Seattle's City Hall, and Steve and Darius on a chicken ranch. In this ending, Eric and Jessica appear outside Jessica's home in Kansas, and Charlie and Derek appear on a hockey rink. The screen cuts to commercial.   Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Subject     Author     Message Date     ID    The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 1  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 2  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 3  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 4  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 5  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 6  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 7  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 8  The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale... Colonel Zoidberg 01-24-09 9    RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Fi... Belle Book 01-24-09 10        RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Fi... Colonel Zoidberg 01-26-09 15            RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Fi... Belle Book 01-26-09 16    RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Fi... vince3 01-24-09 11        RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Fi... Colonel Zoidberg 01-26-09 12            RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Fi... vince3 01-26-09 13                RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Fi... Colonel Zoidberg 01-26-09 14

Lobby | Topics | Previous Topic | Next Topic

Messages in this topic

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:06 PM (EST) 1. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking Well, here goes nothing. It's Christmas Eve, and I'm at a damn funeral. One minute you have it all, and the next it's ripped out from in front of you by a blood clot in the heart or whatever the hell caused Grandpa's death. It really makes me come to terms with my own mortality, too; if what caused Grandpa's death is genetic, then I guess I only have another 52 years or so left to do everything I want...and of course, I have to be reminded that... "You only have a short time on this Earth, and you have to use it the way God wants. God intended for you to marry and produce children according to His law, and that's how it is. It's a completely black-and-white issue." No pun intended, right, Uncle Larry? Apparently the whole "we're broken up and I'm focusing on my career" thing hasn't gotten through to you. Can we just drop the whole racist agenda for one afternoon so we can bury Grandpa and I can get back to L.A. in time for New Year's Eve? Besides, with the entire family here in Muncie, at least there's enough distractions for Jerkwad and Jerkwad Jr. to take on, since my typically shy younger brother is here for them to persecute about his homosexuality. As if it's not bad enough that they have to turn a funeral into a political statement. At least Ronnie's not wearing his swastika jacket. Who the hell owns a garment like that? The same guy who teaches his six kids to shout "Heil Hitler!" as a greeting and a form of praise ("I'm Ronnie Majors, pleased to meet you. Heil Hitler!" Yes, I'm related to that asshole.) But we'll just get through the ceremony without incident, bury Grandpa, and then I'm getting the hell out of here before Hitler's Heroes can get on one of their soapboxes. And I'm there, I'm finally there, where I can just get in my car, tell everyone something came up and I'm needed in L.A. ASAP, and skip the burial when... "Sorry I'm late. Did I miss the ceremony?" Of all people to walk in that door...it just had to be her. It's just had to be her. Blog Entry Authored by: Danni Boatwright, tonganoxiegirl "Bridget, turn this car around and get me back to Kansas." Those were my words to Bridget Sizemore, who drove like hell to get me to Ann Arbor. So I'm sitting here in front of University of Michigan's Medical Center for reasons I don't entirely understand, and all I want is to be back in Tonganoxie. I don't even give a damn anymore about the whole situation with Derek. I tried. I really tried to get him back on my side. But if he doesn't want to talk to me, and if he hangs up when I'm on the line, the hell with him. But I should have anticipated her response. "The only way back to Kansas is by road, and that's not happening." Oh, it's happening all right. If I have to put a gun to that girl's head and cram a pack of Red Bulls down her throat to make sure she gets me back to Kansas by tomorrow morning, I'm doing it--wait a minute. It turns out she has a secret weapon. I should have known - the entire state of Indiana's shut down by a blizzard. Figures. We're getting our white Christmas, and I'm four states away with a psychotic blonde, a sex-addicted nut job, and a man who actually believes I cheated on him. I came all this way for the birth of a baby. If this isn't the second coming of Jesus, I should have stayed home, but I let myself be talked into it. The words, "Go suck an egg, Rob," or some variation thereof would have been fine. And here comes the third Stooge - Rob and Dave were here with Bridget, so now it's Derek's turn. I've forgotten how much better he looks in person, and--damnit, Danni; he got your Wikipedia bio trashed again and your car destroyed, so even if you downgraded to a Pontiac G6 to save on gas, it still wasn't worth it. Besides, he didn't even speak to me. All he said was: "Wait. I see what the hell's going on here." So yes, he pieced together the puzzle - Rob and Dave just want me and him back together so they can win the national championship. Go and win it on your own, jerks. And my door won't even unlock - for someone who has no intention of driving me back to Tonganoxie, Bridget sure is opposed to the idea of letting me out of the car. Her excuse is even lame - "The battery's dead and the locks are electric." Break a damn window. Finally, Dave gets me out with his key. And just as I get ready to chew him out, Derek turns to him and Rob with a look I've never seen before. "Did you two assholes drag her clear up to Ann Arbor by telling her Paula's going into labor tonight?" Well, duh. What did you do, fly in here just now from the Planet of Cave People? "Well, it's your lucky day." Let me guess - you've chosen Quick and Painless for them over Slow and Horrible? Because either one works for me. "That was my dad on the phone. They're on their way right here. And if anything goes wrong with this delivery, it's on you two. Now get the hell out of here." Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere My first thought upon hearing that strange woman: "Allison?" Oh, right, of course. My next thought: "Marie?" I didn't even know Spike's middle name, just her middle initial. She doesn't look like any Marie I know. My third though: "Wait, how the hell does she have a wristband?" Most people here were in groups, and a solitary person, especially one who looked like she was about 80 and had no business partying with young folks, was very much an anomaly here in my bar. But then again, we did have that weirdo come in here and try to convert Spike to fundamentalist Christianity - great move, by the way. What else do you do, sell veal cutlets at PETA rallies? She was legit, though, even though she was out of place. The problem I was having was just that...well, no one gives my star drummer and manager a hard time this close to show time. All I heard about from her was how much she hated Spike's behavior and how she needed to clean up her act and start dressing "like a respectable woman." Mmm-hmm. I pulled up the APB on the mystery woman - Mona Weber, formerly known as Mona Blades - Spike's mother. This is the woman who raised Spike for nine years on her own - and did the worst possible job of doing so, from what I could tell. When your daughter decides she'd rather live under a bridge than with you, you just did something really stupid. Let the mother-daughter catfight begin - I'm paying 50-1 odds on Spike in this one. The first barbs come from Mona - "You abandoned me!" "All you did was talk about your father like he was still alive!" "You come here and do drugs and play this rock music! This is not what a young woman should be doing! You should be at home with your husband and children fixing Christmas dinner!" Wait a minute, what? Spike said her mom had a few screws loose - but never mistook her for June Cleaver. Now Spike's turn - "You did nothing for me! When was the last time I even got to celebrate Christmas or my birthday? When Dad was alive; that's when!" "You had every opportunity to raise me well and you failed miserably!" "What about the life insurance money? What about it?" The story goes - Jackson Blades, a.k.a. Spike's murdered father, had two life insurance policies that he thought he'd never need, but since his parents didn't live to be 60 and he fathered Spike at 41, he wanted to be sure. His work gave him a policy that was worth twice his salary - about $90,000. Factor in $500,000 from a private policy - and both policies paid - and Spike should have been living high on the hog for a girl who lost her dad. College, the house, hell, even the restaurant could be paid for with that and their massive savings. Mona, however? She decided against cashing the life insurance checks, and she never touched the savings, raising Spike on a shoestring, canceling Christmas every year, and calling plain hamburger meat a “special treat” – no wonder she enjoys the hot wings now. She never let Spike have friends over and never let her go to any friends' houses. Her jealousy of Spike's adoration of her father was verging on insane - that's why Mona changed her name back to Weber, and that's why she never pursued her late husband's savings. The real downward spiral came when Spike told her mom that she was a lesbian - Mona grabbed her by the shirt collar, shoved her into a closet, and blocked the closet with a chair until she could shove a dresser in front of it. She told Spike, "You can come out when you take that back! Or you can stay in there and starve to death! I don't care!" Spike only got out by telling her that she had swiped the home phone before getting shoved in the closet, and that she would call the police. This was the beginning, and Spike wishing to her mother's face that it had been her who died instead of her father was the finishing blow. I tried to break it up and remove Mona from the bar, but Spike just looked at me and demanded, "Let me handle this, Blazer." Of course, the response from Mona was, "No. Let me handle this. This has gone on long enough..." Cue a big tirade with absolutely no direction whatsoever, and then I notice...Mona has a gun. This is a gun-free establishment no matter what the Second Amendment says, and as I prepare to ask her to vacate the premises... "Show's over. Everyone go home." Not a cop. Not the FBI. Not even some joker trying to screw with me. "Not you, freak." That was directed at Spike. That's it. Time for me to be the owner here. "Sir, get the hell out of my bar." Usually, that does the trick. "Sir, get the hell out of my face." I guess not, as he pushes me to the ground and gives an angry stare to Spike. And damned if he doesn't have a gun, too. Damn it all to hell. In-Car Recording Taken from Police Car #151, 4:19 pm The person identified as the driver of the stolen police cruiser is Marshall "Zeke" Crandall, wanted in California for child molestation, extortion, and fraud. "The Amazing Race" contestant Tina Cameron, his niece and long-time victim, is in the back with the doors locked; her hands are tied behind her back, and she is blindfolded. Tina: What the hell's going on here? Zeke: Miss me, sweetheart? Tina: Who the hell are you? Zeke: Don't you remember? I gave you the best ten years of your life and then your bastard father made me leave the country! (Pause for two seconds.) Zeke: It's your dear old Uncle Zeke! I've come back for you! We can be together again! Tina: Piss off. I'm with someone who's good to me. Zeke: Oh, that loser? He won't even touch you! He doesn't love you at all! If he loved you, he'd come get you! Tina: He doesn't even know where I am! Now can I go? I have a party to get to tonight! Zeke: Oh, there's going to be a party, all right. A party right here with just you and me. Tina: Get me out of here before I do something. Zeke: Like what? Cry like the little pig you are? Tina: I'm no one's little pig anymore-- Zeke: Save it, zebra. Tina: No one calls me a zebra, you sick bastard. Zeke: Talk dirty to me some more. Tina: If this is just some sick mind game to get inside my head, then go to hell. Zeke: I spent 13 years in hell. I tried to make the best of it, but all I could think about was you. (At this point, a spitting sound is heard; the car swerves dramatically to the right and then back to the left, judging by the sound.) Zeke: Never spit on me again, you hear! I own you now! And I'm going to make it official tonight! Back from commercial. Cut to an overview of Port of Napier, New Zealand. The introductory shot is of the dock area, with some surrounding areas included, such as the hillside. Phil (voice-over): This...is Port of Napier, New Zealand. This point of commerce for the south Pacific is the fourteenth Pit Stop in a race around the world. Cut to the check-ins of Jeffrey and Bryan, Charlie and Derek, and Carrie and Dana. Phil (voice-over): Teams arrived here for a mandatory rest period. The teams waiting here have no idea what's in store for them. Will Jeffrey and Bryan, the most up-and-down team in the Race so far, be able to sustain one more good leg to finish at the top and claim the million-dollar prize? Will Carrie and Dana be able to work together as they did in Australia to overcome Dana's difficulties running footraces? Or will Charlie and Derek's combination continue into the home stretch? Jeffrey and Bryan, who were the first to arrive... Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan's departure. Phil (voice-over): ...will depart at 2:02 am. Bryan: Fly to Vancouver, British Columbia-- Cut to Phil standing in front of Electronic Arts in Vancouver, British Columbia. Phil: Teams must now drive back to Auckland and fly over 7,000 miles from Auckland to Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Once there, they must find the headquarters of Electronic Arts, where they will find their next clue. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan. Bryan: You have $1 for this leg of the Race. Team confessional, Jeffrey and Bryan. Bryan: There are only three teams left, and getting the one dollar is huge for us. We've come really far, and we're not going down. Jeffrey: No, we're not. I don't know anything about Canada, but we're not going down. Cut to Charlie and Derek, second to depart at 2:04 am. Derek: Fly to Vancouver, British Columbia and find Electronic Arts headquarters. Charlie: How much do we have? Derek: One dollar. Charlie: Wow. That's crazy. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: I'm sitting here thinking just how screwed Jeffrey and Bryan are. We have over $300 left, and they probably have nothing. Derek: We got the Loan Shark, and they didn't. Serves them right for taking the easy way out. Cut to Carrie and Dana, last to depart at 2:05 am. Dana: Fly to Vancouver, British Columbia and find Electronic Arts headquarters. Carrie: Wow, video games of all things. Team confessional, Carrie and Dana. Carrie: The one thing I learned from my ex-husband was how to play video games, especially the car-racing games. Dana: So he just sat around and played video games? Carrie: Pretty much, and I got good at them, too. He got so mad when I beat him. Dana: Well, use that on the other teams. Cut to Auckland Airport; Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in first place, are at the ticket counter. Bryan: We need to get to Vancouver, British Columbia right away. It's a matter of global security. Behind him, Derek rolls his eyes. Agent: The soonest we can do is to get you to Vancouver is 12:36 pm today. The flight connects in Brisbane in Australia and Los Angeles in the U.S. Bryan: Great, thanks. Make sure those two groups behind us don't get on our flight. Charlie and Derek, currently in second place, arrive at the ticket counter. Agent: As the previous person said, I cannot get you on that flight. Derek: You're actually listening to that jerk? Agent: I have a similar flight that leaves here for Brisbane at 7:00 am local time. You will connect in Brisbane and Los Angeles and arrive at 12:36 pm later today. Derek: Well, how is that any different? Charlie: Because we have time for breakfast here. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: Bryan's treatment of customer service people throughout the Race has been terrible, but when he told the ticket counter person not to let us on a flight and she did it, we didn't know what the hell he did. Derek: We got on a flight that was just as good, though, so we're OK. Charlie: And Stanford got on it with us. Derek: Is it OK if they win as long as Ohio doesn't? Charlie: It's more OK if we win. Derek: Just making sure. Cut to a Mercator projection of the world; the cities of Auckland, Brisbane, Los Angeles, and Vancouver are highlighted. Phil (voice-over): All teams are now on their way from Auckland to Vancouver by way to Brisbane and Los Angeles. Cut to Vancouver International Airport; Charlie and Derek, currently in first place, jump into a car and Derek begins to drive. Charlie: Do you know where we're going? Derek: It's just up the street from here. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in second place, getting in their car. Jeffrey: So we're going to a video game company? Bryan: It's no dumber than jumping in a lake. Cut to Carrie and Dana, currently in last place, getting in their car; Dana tries to crank the engine, but it does not start. Dana: Damnit, what the hell's wrong with this car? She continues to crank the car, but it does not turn. Carrie: We need a replacement. The screen cuts to commercial.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:08 PM (EST) 2. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking "What the hell are you doing here?" This is obviously the first question, since I didn't tell her anything about Grandpa's death. "I'm here just to bury my dead grandfather. I didn't even plan to go to the burial; they need me back in L.A. and I need to make headway before the blizzard comes in." The way I see it, I have about two hours tops, and that gets me most of the way through Indiana. "I came here to see you." No, really. I thought you came 2,000 miles across the country on Red Bull and a prayer just for your health. "I never wanted it to be over." Sure could have fooled me. Phrases like "I never want to see you again," "You're dead to me," and "You're not strong enough to be in an interracial relationship" - still confused by that one - sure paint a different story from the one you're telling me now. "I just thought you'd go to your parents' for a few days, and then when we both cleared our heads, we could pick up where we left off. Besides," OK, this better be good. "I have a friend who found you a few good TV job leads." Paste that to the end of November, when I might have given a damn. Now for my side of the story - I went to Los Angeles the day after Carrie threw me out. I crashed in a hotel and started spending my extensive savings - I may not make much, but this wonderful thing called "compound interest" gave me about $33,000 in savings, more than enough to get by with a crummy apartment on the outskirts of L.A. I needed a fresh start - when Juanita broke up with me after high school, I was a wreck. When Chanel left me after college, I took it out on myself. This time? I wasn't about to tear myself to pieces, so I started over. "You can't escape your problems just by changing your cell phone number and running away." Worked just fine until now. "It wasn't over for me. I still wanted to marry you, Rex. I still do. I want us to start a family together. I know you'll be a great dad." Cue her picking up Cade, my cousin Rick's two-month-old son. Rick, like Ronnie, is the archetypal Nazi ideal - blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin, and married to the same. At least the whole "Nazi ideal" was Grandpa's lame attempt at humor - he was a funny guy most of the time, but that line wore itself out about as quickly as Ronnie' Aryan Nations routine. Carrie goes on to describe Cade as I gradually tune her out. "Bright smile, playfulness, and those big, green eyes..." Green eyes. Damnit, Rex, keep your mouth shut. Blog Entry Authored by: Danni Boatwright, tonganoxiegirl Rob and Dave were accommodating in one way - when Derek told them to get out of here, they did just that. And it's a good thing unless they intend to spend the night in the hospital - Michigan doesn't screw around with blizzards, but they're probably stuck there until morning with what I heard about the blizzard in Indiana. Factor in lake-effect snow, one of Derek's minimal areas of expertise, and...well, Ann Arbor's far enough inland not to get too much of it, but we're looking at a good 16 inches. Given about 10 minutes, Charlie pulls in on two wheels - Lynn, Paula's sister, rides shotgun while Paula's in the back of the minivan. God only knows how her four kids crammed into that thing, but they did, and it's almost military-like how they file out of the van. I hope that, if I ever have kids, they're as well-behaved as those four - which doesn't make sense; Paula told me on Survivor that her kids were usually hellions. I guess having an ex-military step-dad whips them into shape. I pretty much don't know what the hell I'm doing - Charlie and Lynn carry Paula into a wheelchair, and Derek whips her into the hospital like he's driving a race car; he almost forgets to check her in. Fortunately, Charlie always carried her ID with him just for such a case - it was in the "labor kit" Charlie made just for such a situation two months ago. As he put it, "when Derek was born, I was unprepared and it was nuts." So on two wheels, Derek gets Paula to the maternity ward; even the nurse can't keep up with him. An exhausted nurse and nurse's aide catch up to Derek about 30 seconds after he arrives at her place in the ward, and when the aide finally catches her breath, she looks up at him and asks point blank, "Are you a sprinter or something?" No, but thanks for asking. So it looks like all that remains to be seen is to figure out just how much of Rob and Dave's story was the truth after all...that and just try to sort things out with Charlie while the nurse and her aide take care of Paula. Apparently, he's still good with me and has no idea what's on Derek's mind. He knows I didn't cheat, and he also knows Derek didn't destroy my car - OK, now that the givens are out of the way, I suppose we'll be watching the Race while Paula gives birth. Assuming, that is, that Derek doesn't refuse to watch this episode like he did the Israel one. Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere So here I am in a tight spot - someone who wants to take on Spike and someone who wants to take out Spike. Both have guns. So naturally, my first instinct is to get to a phone as soon as possible - my cell phone is in my coat in my office, so that should work. So I slither back behind the bar and try to get out of the guy's sight. He seems to be preoccupied with Spike, as does Mona, so I think I have a chance. "The first person to make a phone call or make a break for it dies!" The interloper says this so everyone can hear. It's at this point where he pulls out his gun - and where Mona pulls out hers. So now we're at a stand-off - and usually in these cases, I call the police. I don't have a full-time security staff, and the folks for tonight's gig clearly weren't doing their jobs and don't appear to be armed anyway, so it looks like we're in a tight spot. "Who the hell are you, anyway?" Mona to the guy who pulled the gun - who's about six-two, ripped out of his head, black, and has a shaved head and a tattoo on the back of his neck of something. He's the biggest guy in the bar if you don't count Rodney, the 400-pound guy who eats all my chicken wings every time he comes in. "I think you of all people would know me when you saw me, woman." Wait a minute--what? Now I'm confused. "For the last 18 years, my life has been a living hell because of this girl right here." Oh no. Oh crap. Oh--I know exactly what just happened. Eighteen years ago, more or less, Spike's father was murdered. And it looks like the man who did it is perfectly capable of holding a grudge against an eight-year-old, especially when that eight-year-old is 26 now and just got a lot of national exposure. "Wait--you're the son-of-a-bitch who killed my husband." Well, for a woman who looks as terrible as Mona does, she sure is sharp. "You ruined my life and my daughter's. And what the hell are you doing out of prison?" "Revenge, baby," the man says back. "I would have gotten away with it if not for your punk-ass daughter. That man had it coming, and it was my job to make sure he got it because the justice system never gives a fair day in court to a black man." Well, sure they do. Just not to a black man who committed pre-meditated murder and was guilty as sin. "I killed him because he deserved to die. I should be a free man and a hero." "Jackson did nothing wrong." Here we go with the debate. An armed debate is a polite debate...well, sort of. Both people are still alive. "That accident was your fault, not his." "My baby's mother died in that accident." No, she didn't, according to the police report - she died three days later of a blood clot. The accident had nothing to do with it. That's not my word; that's the coroner's. "If your husband hadn't run into me, she'd still be alive." Do I really have to explain all the ways that sentence is wrong? OK, I'll start with the fact that he rammed Jackson's car from behind - in any state and in any situation, Mr. Blades - sorry, I mean Jackson; Spike told me her father hated to be called Mr. because it made him feel old - gets off scot-free. The end result should have been about $200 or so to re-detail and buff Jackson's fender and a ticket for the guy in the offending car. That should have been it. "I'm not going anywhere until this girl is dead." This is the threat from the criminal, the escaped convict who, until just now, has been unaccounted for. "Then get ready to stand still for a long time." In-Car Recording Taken from Police Car #151, 4:19 pm Marshall "Zeke" Crandall has hijacked a police cruiser and forced Tina Cameron inside the back seat. The car is headed southbound on Interstate 5 and has left the city limits of Los Angeles. Tina: I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Zeke: I'm taking you somewhere where the fascist American government has no control over our love. Tina: Are you high? I never loved you. I hated you. Zeke: Tell yourself that. By the way, thanks for slimming down; you made yourself a lot easier to carry before I fatten you back up for our wedding. Tina: You have to be kidding. I'm your niece; no one will ever marry us. Zeke: They don't know that. Tina: They know me, and when I tell them who you are, they'll know you, too. Zeke: Maybe they'll know Zeke Crandall. But they won't know Ezekiel Featherston of Couer d'Alene, Idaho. Tina: What are you doing, trying to get drug charges added to your long list of other crimes? Zeke: I got myself a fake passport in Thailand. Tina: That's where you went? Zeke: I'm thinking for this time, I don't know, Mongolia. Rural Mongolia. I'll take all the money I leeched off your worthless parents and get us a nice house where we'll start a family. Tina: You sick son-of-a-- Zeke: There's plenty of time for dirty talk when we cross the border. Tina: Border? You mean-- Zeke: You got it baby! We're going to Mexico! Back from commercial. Dana: Damnit, what the hell's wrong with this car? She continues to crank the car, but it does not turn. Carrie: We need a replacement. Dana: It's cranking, though. Carrie: Give it some gas. Dana: I gave it some gas; it's just-- As she says this, the car engine begins to run. Dana: Yahoo! Let's go! Dana steps on the gas and starts very quickly. Team confessional, Carrie and Dana. Dana: The car scared the hell out of me. I thought we were screwed. Carrie: My ex-husband was a car mechanic for a while, so he knew cars, and I thought it was a fuel issue. Dana: You know, Carrie, your ex didn't seem like such a bad guy from all this stuff you learned from him. Carrie: Well, maybe if I just stayed friends with him rather than getting married, I might agree. Cut to Electronic Arts headquarters; Charlie and Derek, currently in first place, arrive at the outside. Derek: Roadblock. Who feels the "need for speed?" Cut to Phil standing in front of three game terminals. Phil: In this, the final Roadblock of the season, the chosen player must complete one lap of Electronic Arts' Need for Speed's first course in first place using this special game terminal set up just for this Roadblock. They get as many tries as they want, but they must complete the lap in first to continue. When they do this, the supervising game tester will hand them their next clue. Cut to Charlie and Derek. Derek: I got this one. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Derek: I'm a pretty busy guy and usually don't have time for video games, but I'm better at them than my dad. Charlie: He has that right. For me, pool's my diversion of choice. Put me against Fast Eddie the Pool Shark and I'm golden. Put me here and I'm dead. Cut to EA Headquarters; Derek is at a terminal racing his car while Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in second place, arrive. Bryan: Roadblock. Who feels the "need for speed"? I got it. A quick pan to Derek's terminal shows him in second place; the radar map on the bottom left of the screen shows that he is more than halfway through the course. Derek: Come on, baby; just one more to pass. Bryan takes the station next to Derek. Bryan: How do you use one of these things? Derek: Figure it out, jerk. Derek crosses the finish line, but he's in second place. Derek: Damn. Bryan: Watch a pro. Derek: What did you do, rig the machine? Bryan starts off and immediately falls into 8th place. Derek: You're a pro, all right, at sucking. Soon after, Carrie and Dana, currently in last place, arrive at EA Headquarters. Carrie: Roadblock. Who feels the "need for speed"? I got this one. Carrie takes her spot; Bryan is middling through his second attempt, in which he is halfway through in 6th place, and Derek is on his third attempt in first place. Bryan: Sending in a woman to do a man's job, eh? Carrie: Hey Bryan, you ever taste dust? Bryan: Never! Carrie: Well, tell me how it tastes. Derek spins out and crashes into a wall, falling into third place. Derek: S---. Bryan: You lose, tough guy. (confessional) Derek: I got the feeling that Bryan's only tactic was to screw with the other people there because he couldn't figure out the game himself. I tuned him out for the most part, but it got really old. Cut to the Roadblock. Carrie: Hey cheater boy, have some humble pie. Carrie crosses the finish line in first place; no car is even close to her. The tester hands her the clue. Carrie: Find the statue dedicated to the man who dedicated North America's most famous trophy-- Cut to Phil at the statue of Lord Stanley in Stanley Park. Phil: Teams must figure out that the trophy the clue refers to is the Stanley Cup, given to the champion of the National Hockey League every year, and the man who dedicated it is Lord Stanley. At this statue, teams will find their next clue. Cut to EA Headquarters. Dana: Let's get going. A side-by-side screen shows Derek in first place near the end of the lap; near the beginning, Bryan is in third place. Bryan: I'm getting this down. Given a few seconds, Derek crosses the finish line in first place on his fifth attempt. Derek: Too late, hot shot. The tester hands Derek the clue. Derek: Find the statue dedicated to the man who dedicated North America's most famous trophy--Lord Stanley. Charlie: Well, where's his statue? Derek: I don't know. But I'll find out. The screen shows Bryan crashing into a wall, knocking him back into fifth place; this is his fifth attempt. Bryan: This is too damn hard. The screen cuts to commercial.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:09 PM (EST) 3. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking "Cade's not your son, Rick." So much for keeping my mouth shut. But simple deduction along with a B+ in high school biology told me one thing - both Rick and his wife are blue-eyed, and blue eyes are carried by a recessive gene. Green eyes are dominant, meaning that any child with a green-eye gene and a blue-eye gene will come out green-eyed. Any child Rick has within his marriage will have blue eyes. I barely have the time to get that out before the rationalization begins. "That's impossible...he was obviously switched at birth." Damnit, Janet. No, really, that's Rick's wife's name. The lame jokes are plentiful for that. I suppose I could demand that we do a genetic test - not really my place to do so, but if I know Rick, he'll ask for one. He's never really been too happy with Janet, but his father and brother pushed him into this marriage after that episode with the girl in high school. Or I could just settle this once and for all. "I spilled ink on Cade's wristband at the hospital. The wristband he was wearing when you took him home was the same one that had ink on it." Red Sharpie ink, to be exact. And don't pull the "he's adopted" defense - he obviously isn't. Cade was a C-section - Janet has the scar to prove it, and Rick has the gray hair from the birth-induced anxiety attack as well. He thought Janet was a goner and he'd have to raise both boys on his own - or go through the arduous task of replacing Janet. And God help us all if he tried anything like what he did in high school. But surely we can resolve this like mature adults. No point in letting Grandpa's funeral turn into a family food fight just because Rick found out his wife's been cheating. And to think that she actually accused Rick of cheating, which would somehow cause him to carry another man's sperm - I don't know what the hell she was thinking, but the simplest explanation is this - someone else dipped his hand in Janet's cookie jar. Let's just get through the holidays, and you guys can go to marriage counseling after the New Year-- "That's it, Janet. I want a divorce." Or we can just end it now. Don't get any ideas, Ronnie; your six perfect Aryan children might not be able to handle it. "No! No one's getting divorced! Not here, not now, and not ever!" Oh, that's right. Ronnie's ridiculous beliefs state that divorce is always wrong and can never be performed no matter the circumstances. What God has united, let no man separate. Jesus said it. Not sure how that takes precedence over "Thou shalt not commit adultery," but apparently in the Majors family, the Golden Rule reads: "Whoever has the most insane beliefs makes the rules." Back to the action now. "Rick, tell your wife you want to stay with her." Next up, tell Janet to tell Rick she wants to stay. Looks like she's just fine with divorce, too. Good luck. "I said do it now, damnit!" Only this time with a little more force - he shoves Rick. Six years of Army infantry training has done Ronnie good. Sure hasn't helped us - he fell in with a bunch of white supremacists in the Army, and that's how he became so whacked-out. About a minute of arguing back and forth is all Ronnie can take. "No one's going anywhere until this marriage is back together!" This time, he takes out a gun - couldn't tell you what kind, but it's a lot shinier than your standard six-shooter. The worst part? He won't even let me call the station to tell them I'll be delayed. Blog Entry Authored by: Danni Boatwright, tonganoxiegirl Apparently Paula had all four of her kids naturally - and apparently, three of them were without the assistance of painkillers. How this woman's still alive I'll never know, especially after Derek wheeled her into the maternity ward like he was racing a Brazilian go-kart. If this would be how he is with his own wife, I'm pretty sure he did me a favor three weeks ago. I just wish he could have told me, "I'm sorry, Danni, but when you're about to have our first baby, I'm going to wheel you through the hospital so fast your head will spin" rather than "I never want to see you again, you cheating bitch!" At least the bit about the hospital would be the truth. I studied that video - and it's pretty blurry, actually, and the girl in the video has a tattoo, something I'm without. Also, the guy in the video? He's shorter than her - like I'd ever date someone shorter than me. Godspeed to Rex and Carrie if they ever decide to get back together, but that's just not for me. Derek and his dad make a pretty good team - with no assistance, they get Paula onto the table, and pretty soon, Derek's seen more of his step-mom than he really needed to. The good news? Lynn's out in the waiting room with the four young ones, which drew an angry complaint from Jacob. "Why is Derek allowed back there and we're not? She's not even his mom!" No, Jacob; unfortunately, his mom is that whack job who tried to force Charlie to marry her at gunpoint last May. Just like your father's the jerk who sat around on the couch in his boxers for the last half of your parents' marriage and then skipped town, never to be seen again after Paula threw him out. Now if only Derek and I can keep ourselves under control the same way - this will probably end one of two ways. Either we'll be arrested for trying to tear each other's throats out right before Paula's baby is born, or we'll end up arrested for going at it in a broom closet - hey, he might be a stubborn jackass, but he's still pretty handsome. "I've got this, Danni; back off, will you?" So now you're the team's leading scorer and an OB/GYN? Did you get your medical degree in the three weeks we've been apart? Is that why your performance has suffered? You were acing the MCAT exam and completing your residence? And then you built a time machine and came back to December 24, 2008 to deliver your half-sister? Uh-huh. That's what I thought. Derek only has three real talents - one of them is hockey and the other is languages. Wait, what do you mean "what's the third?" "I've seen more births than you ever will, Derek." Seven brothers. Their wives, and all the children that came with them. Sorry, bro, but you're sitting this one out. Here, go somewhere and play with this ball; you did a great job getting Paula in here for the birthing of the baby, and Charlie somehow got all the necessary paperwork done in the 22 seconds that you allowed him to stand there, but now it's time to let go and let a professional handle this. In the meantime, I'll handle Paula. "She's my step-mom, Danni!" "You don't know what the hell you're doing!" "I know exactly what I'm doing! Maybe I'll be a little nicer if you just admit what you did!" OK, I admitted it - I lied about a relationship with your dad. It's over; he forgave me and so did you. Oh, you mean the cheating on you? What, did that time machine you just imagined yourself building take you to an alternate dimension where I cheated on you? In that case, go stay there; I'm sure Carrie's still single and would love to have a hockey player on her arm. "Lying bastard!" "Cheating bitch!" "Stubborn jerk!" "Spiteful--" "Shut the hell up, both of you!" This time, Charlie gets to be the voice of reason. "I let you two in here because you're both grown up enough to set aside your differences for the baby! Now cut it out or you can wait outside with the other kids!" Well, OK, you win, Charlie. "Besides, I was good friends with a Navy doctor, and he told me everything he knew about birthing babies." So in the one-in-a-billion chance that no doctor can handle this, we have Charlie. Good to know. We still have a while. "Let's have some TV in the meantime." We already missed the first 20 minutes of the Race. So when Charlie turns it on, we're on the way to Vancouver. No surprise there - one of the few things I knew about the Race was that it went through B.C. Figures. My own boyfriend nearly dies on two separate occasions and I don't have any idea. The Race ends up in Vancouver, where I've never even been, and I find everything out. Well, let's sit back, relax, and let the miracle of birth - and a million-dollar prize - take place. Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere The stand-off begins. If the Survivor host were here, he'd comment on how long the two were standing there at each other's throats, holding their guns at each other's heads - the murderer switched his focus to Mona from Spike. I guess he figures that, even when Mona's dead, he'll have enough bullets for Spike. He came prepared - his pocket's full of ammo, and the belt he's wearing is one of those ones you load a machine gun with. Too bad all he has is a standard revolver, the same kind Mona has, and six bullets is all it holds. It's a little like one of those Survivor challenges - one loss of concentration and it's all over. The murderer stops to load his gun? Mona blows him away. Mona stops to argue with her daughter? The murderer claims a second victim. And probably a third, since right now, I'm out of the picture and outweighed by him by a good 100 pounds. He sure stayed strong in prison. Spike, on the other hand, is only somewhat interested in the fact that her mother came for her. The surprising question she has for her mother: "Since when do you carry a gun?" Spike never learned to use one - Jackson was pretty good with a hunting rifle and supposedly made a mean venison burger - but he died when she was eight, and she never learned how to hunt. "I never leave home unarmed." Mona goes on to explain that she's been mugged four times since Spike left home, and one mugger wore swimming goggles, thereby making mace useless, so she taught herself to shoot a gun. So far, she hasn't had to and didn't think she'd need it tonight, but she got it by security - who is beyond fired after tonight; in fact, there isn't a strong enough word in the English language to describe how fired they are - and so did the murderer. I think we've settled on the ground rules for this stand-off - the first one to flinch dies. Anyone making a break for it dies - and so does someone in the stand-off. We're just not sure who at this point - either the murderer dies and everyone goes home happy, or Spike becomes a 26-year-old orphan and her life probably changes very little. We've reached 25 minutes into the stand-off. Thank you, Jeff Probst. Some wise guy asks, "Hey, at 8, can we turn on the Race?" The East Coast already knows who won. We don't. At the rate this evening's gone, it's probably Jerkwad and Bastard. In-Car Recording Taken from Police Car #151, 4:28 pm Tina: We'll get stopped by Border Patrol. You don't really think we're getting around them, do you? Zeke: I have a plan. Tina: That's never good. We'll probably both end up dead or at least in wheelchairs for the rest of our lives. Maybe you'll end up with no sex drive and you can apologize to me for all you did. Zeke: Not happening, sweetheart. We're crossing the border. I've already got train tickets for us into Mexico City and then plane tickets Friday. Tina: Wow. You sure do have all this figured out. Too bad no one in Mexico will marry us at gunpoint. Zeke: Won't be necessary. I've developed some mind-control serum-- {At this point, audible laughter can be heard from the back seat.} Zeke: What? What's so funny? You won't be laughing when your mind becomes mine! {The laughter gets louder.} Zeke: That's it! I'm tear-gassing the car! Tina: Go ahead. You'll just make it harder for you to drive, and when we crash, you just know law enforcement's picking you up. Zeke: I've done nothing wrong! Tina: Let's see. Child molestation. Assault. Fraud. Extortion. Grand theft auto. Impersonating a police officer. And don't forget creating mind control serum. They'll love that down at precinct. Besides, it looks like it'll take three hours to get to Mexico. Zeke: I can wait that long. Tina: So you don't think the San Diego Police Department's going to notice something a little out of place about an LAPD car with its lights on flying through the streets at 90 miles an hour headed for Mexico. Zeke: Not at all. This happens all the time, I'm sure. Tina: I didn't know it was possible to make it to your age and be as stupid as you are. Do you also listen to a cassette telling you, "Breathe in, breathe out"? Zeke: When we're in Mexico, you will treat me with respect, do you hear me? Tina: So you want me to use a fancy pillow when I smother you to death? Zeke: You will never kill me! I will be the one whose money helps raise our babies! Tina: No, according to your logic, my father's money will be what raises the babies you're imagining us having. Zeke: Possession's nine-tenths of the law, baby. I have his money, and I have his daughter, and there's nothing either of you can do. Back from commercial. Bryan: This is too damn hard. (confessional) Bryan: I don't play video games. I don't play games of any kind. I work 80-90 hours a week. So me at a video game? I'm sure one of my kids could do it, but not me. Cut back to the Roadblock; this time, Bryan is in second place; this is his seventh attempt. Bryan: I got you this time. And don't these games usually come with lasers or something I can use to destroy the other cars? A quick pan to Jeffrey shows her sitting and staring at her husband; her face shows boredom. Cut to Stanley Park; the first team to arrive is Carrie and Dana. Dana: So what are we looking for? Carrie: A statue. Dana: Of what? Carrie: Of Lord Stanley. Dana: Who's that? Carrie: He dedicated the Stanley Cup. Dana: OK, I'm confused. Team confessional, Carrie and Dana. Carrie: My boyfriend's a hockey fan and he told me everything about the Stanley Cup, so I knew who I was looking for. I just didn't know my way around the park. Dana: Neither did I, so I just followed Carrie's lead. Cut to Stanley Park; a bewildered Carrie and Dana, currently in first place, are searching the park, and soon, Charlie and Derek, currently in second place, arrive. Derek: OK, the statue's this way. Charlie: I wonder how far ahead Stanford is. Derek: I wonder if we're finishing here. Maybe we can finish up where the Canucks play. Charlie: An indoor Finish Line. That's new. Charlie and Derek run into Carrie and Dana, who are lost. Derek: Follow us. We know where we're going. Dana: Glad someone does. (confessional) Dana: I know nothing about hockey, and Derek knows everything, so since we were sure we would have to shoot a ball into a net or something, we just followed their lead. Cut to the statue of Lord Stanley, Charlie and Derek grab the clue first. Charlie: Detour. Hard Rock or Hard Ice? Cut to Phil in front of the statue. Phil: In this final Detour of the Race, teams must choose between two tasks that are part of Vancouver's popular culture. Their choices? Hard Rock or Hard Ice. Cut to the Commodore Ballroom. Phil: In Hard Rock, teams must travel to the Commodore Ballroom, a local hot spot for rock bands. Once there, a drummer will give them instructions on how to perform a drum solo, which will start off easy and then get more difficult. Once the drummer approves their work, he will hand them their next clue. Cut to the outside of General Motors Place. Phil: In Hard Ice, teams must travel to General Motors Place, the home arena of the NHL's Vancouver Canucks, and try their hand at ice hockey. Players will take turns shooting penalty shots at Canucks backup goaltender Curtis Sanford, and once a team member makes a shot, he will hand them their next clue. Cut to Charlie and Derek. Derek: Hard Ice. I've been waiting for this. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Derek: I've never practiced with a pro team, so the chance to shoot on a real goalie is a thrill, even if he's a backup. Charlie: I'll go out there and try not to embarrass myself, but we're playing hockey here, not pool. I'm just an accessory. Cut to the statue. Dana: Detour. Hard Rock or Hard Ice? Carrie: Derek just said we have to shoot at a pro goalie. I'm not that good. Let's try the drums. Cut to EA Sports Headquarters; Bryan is on his 15th attempt. Bryan: I'll get this sometime. The screen shows him barely in first place. Bryan: I have to run a perfect lap. (confessional) Bryan: The game was frustrating. I almost hope the other tasks are labor-intensive. It's what I'm good at. I'm pretty much no fun in real life. Cut to the game; Bryan is about ten seconds from the finish and is in a dead heat for first. Bryan: Steady...don't ram me... He crosses the finish line, and the screen says "1ST" in big letters. The tester hands him the clue, and he runs to Jeffrey, who does not crack a smile. Bryan: Find the statue dedicated to the man who dedicated North America's most famous trophy. Wait, does anyone work here in Vancouver? Cut to the inside of Jeffrey and Bryan's car; Bryan is driving. Bryan: We're done with Roadblocks. We probably have a Detour and then we can cross the Finish Line. Jeffrey: Let's hope the Detour trips some teams up. We have a lot of catching up to do. Cut to Commodore Ballroom; Carrie and Dana, currently in first place, arrive at the stage, where a drum set awaits them. Drummer: I have to teach you both, and you must alternate turns. When one of you gets it right, you will get your clue. Dana: Where's Spike when you need her? Carrie: I love the girl, but I'm glad we're against no-fun Bryan and not Spike. Dana: Damn straight. The solo starts off easy, with only a drum stroke every beat and one cymbal smash, but it ends up with a wild drum-bashing with both hands and a triumphant cymbal crash. Dana: It's too bad we cut our hair; you had good rocker-chick hair. Drummer: Yeah, why are you ladies bald? Dana: It's a long story. Drummer: I'd be willing to hear it over dinner with you, gorgeous-- Dana: Save it. I'm gay. The drummer smiles at Carrie. Carrie: I'm flattered. Really. But I have a boyfriend. And the only other woman coming through here is hardly your type. Dana: She's hardly anyone's type. Dana takes her position first. She starts off strong, hitting the early parts of the solo in precision. However, the drumsticks go flying out of her hands. Dana: Crap. Carrie: My turn. The screen cuts to commercial.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:12 PM (EST) 4. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking This is not exactly how I imagined spending Christmas Eve - being held at gunpoint by my own cousin. And all because it turns out his sister-in-law is a cheating bitch. Through the minutes of arguing, it's pretty apparent that Rick and Janet's marriage is on the rocks - or it was, anyway; it seems to have capsized at this point, and the only thing holding it together is Ronnie's gun - which may or may not have actual bullets in it. He's probably so dumb, he forgot to load it. First the gun goes to Rick. "Tell her now! Tell her you're sorry! Tell her your marriage isn't over and it never will be!" All that without a single F-bomb. A new personal best. "OK, you win, Ronnie." Rick walks over to Janet, sits down in front of her, and softly says, "I'm sorry I threatened to divorce you, and I'll do whatever it takes to fix this marriage. Cade's my son even if he isn't mine biologically. I signed the birth certificate." Next up, the smug look of self-satisfaction from the gunman himself. Janet rolls her eyes, and the barrel is in her face pretty quickly. "Your turn, woman!" My guess is that, had this not come out, Rick and Janet would have been divorced by Easter - her doing. Maybe she has a better offer lined up with Cade's real father, never mind that she's probably spent the last two years or so promising she'll leave Rick for him. "If it means that much to you, I'll work on our marriage, too. Whatever the problem is, we can solve it." Unless the other man drives a Cadillac. "Good." The gun goes down - and a shot goes off. Obviously an accidental shot - and it doesn't hit anyone, but the funeral director gives him a look as if to say "You're paying for that." Good luck - raising six kids and keeping up his dues in the Aryan Brotherhood on a truck repairman's salary doesn't leave a lot of room for spare money to repair bullet holes. Or take it out of what the IRS is gouging Bryan for. Whatever works. Now to get out to the gravesite without any further incidents. "Wait a damn minute. This is all that one's fault." That one. What are you, John McCain? The so-called "traitor to the cause" because he picked a woman to be his VP and isn't wacky enough? Yeah, that's him. And now if we can just keep our big yaps shut for a little longer... "Don't go pinning this one on my man just because you have a hang-up." Damnit, Carrie, this isn't the time. Unless you have an AK-47 in your sweater, and frankly, that would be really sexy if you did. "This is all his fault, bitch." We'll take the high road and avoid throwing out racially-charged epithets. "He's the one giving those kids ideas about how it's OK to be different and how life is for pleasure and all that. It's not." Right. Life is about being as miserable and humorless as possible. Go back to Taco Bell and pick up your sense of humor - and your brain before they put it in their Chalupa meat. "I raise my children the right way, and that's to know that God comes first, and God has called upon them to advance the cause of the white race," spoken as if to remind everyone that the "h" is very much part of the word "white." "Enough talking points, Ronnie. I don't like you, and you don't like me, but you have no right telling Rex what to do. You're not his father. Besides," and here comes the look of 'I'm about to zing you good' on Carrie's face, "you're a military man, right?" Well, yeah, he is. "So that means you obey your Commander-in-Chief, right?" So far, agreed - Ronnie's a big fan of Bush, except for his appointment of Condoleezza Rice to just about everything. "Well, give it another four weeks, and that man's one of us evil black folks." "This is not the productive area of discussion, kids." You're one to talk, Uncle Larry. "Break it up, and you can kill each other after the burial. Please. It's Christmas Eve." "And I'm dreaming of a white Christmas." Well, with the blizzard coming in, wish granted, although if you fire that thing, that white Christmas will be a lot more red than white. "And here I am thinking that black folks were the racist ones." Well, Carrie does say that. Her ex-husband hated whites, and the idea of Carrie with a white guy would have killed him - and if only I could see the footage of his head exploding. Couple that with all the Obama fever in Oakland - one of our biggest fights was over my decision to vote Libertarian, which for me was a foregone conclusion, since I'm the only registered Libertarian I know - and I can see Carrie's point. But listening to Ronnie's idiocy makes it clear to me that whites are, in fact, "the" racist ones, if any one race can get that distinction. "I'll kill you now, woman!" Ronnie picks up the gun again. It's aimed right for Carrie's head. He has to raise it a bit - height isn't exactly part of the Majors genealogy - but he has it squared right on Carrie's forehead. "Go ahead, Ronnie," Carrie chides. "Shoot me. Spend the rest of your life in prison. Give the Aryan Brotherhood a bad name. Start a race war. See if I care; I'll be dead." Not something I'd say to a man with a gun at my head, but then again, I grew up in a lot different world than Carrie did. "No." Really. A free shot at the black woman who's ruining my life, so you say - never mind that she's the only reason I'm even alive - and you turn it down. "I have a better idea. I'm about four feet to Carrie's right. That's enough of a change that Ronnie has to pivot to aim at me before I can figure out what the hell he's doing. Though it seems like I'm the only one who has no idea what the hell's going on...as the gunshot is fired... Blog Entry Authored by: Danni Boatwright, tonganoxiegirl So we have a nurse in here. That's an improvement - it's a different nurse, a fifty-something woman with no rings on her hands, short, graying hair, and glasses. No kids, I would assume, judging by the fact that most of the nurses carry pictures of their kids on their uniforms and she doesn't have any pictures. Not even of a dog or a cat. "The doctor's on his way in." Apparently the hospital is a little short-staffed this week - one OB/GYN is out of town and another went home today with food poisoning about three hours ago. The on-call OB/GYN is on his way in - and from the sound of it, she said, is none too happy. Apparently his family does Christmas on Christmas Eve, and then Christmas Day is movie day - "Marley and Me" this year. Kids are 8 and 6. This nurse sure is a wealth of information - about other people. Knows nothing about me - doesn't watch reality shows or even own a TV. She glances at the TV showing the Race - maybe does a double-take in seeing Derek on-screen and in person. Derek's bald with a week and change of beard growth on the screen - here, he has his hair back and a full playoff beard. It seems Charlie has a moment alone to talk with Derek, so being the nosy bitch I am, I take a peek and let the nurse take over calming Paula. We're not that engrossed in the show - to hell with the first part; did he get the million or not? - so the fact that Charlie's talking to Derek while the show is on is inconsequential. I listen in. "So what the hell's going on with you? Doesn't seeing Danni change things at all?" Give him a minute, Charlie. "Look, Dad, it's not a good situation. It killed me to do what I did to Danni." Nice to know. "I just couldn't think of another way to break it off and make it permanent." Wait - why would you have to think of a reason to break it off? Shouldn't cheating be enough of a reason - and then it hits me. Seems to hit Charlie at the same time, so I let him have his moment. "You son of a bitch." Under normal circumstances I would discourage talking badly about someone's mother, but in Derek's case, I'll make an exception. "You knew Danni was innocent. You practically ruined her life for the time up until now. For what?" The rage begins here. "For what, damn you?" Derek just puts his head in his hands. Yes, he's in pain. At this point, I'm thinking that the best remedy for his inner pain, though, is a healthy dose of outer pain. That rat bastard got my car blown up and my Wikipedia bio trashed - and he knew I didn't cheat? I've never cheated on anyone - I've been cheated on a couple of times, as has Derek, so it's a sensitive topic for both of us. "Don't you think I feel bad enough already, Dad?" "No!" Thank you, Charlie. "I don't think you feel bad enough! What the hell is wrong with you? You ruined the best thing in your life for what? What, I ask? Damnit, answer me!" Well, give him a chance to. It's a little like pulling teeth from a crocodile to get Derek to answer this one. "I thought it was real for a minute--" "No, you didn't. We've established that." I assume that was the best excuse he could think of on short notice. "Try again." OK, well, here goes. "I felt bad for what I did to Carrie--" "Uh-huh. That would have played out in August." Wow. Charlie's on fire. "It was the damn bomb. I just didn't want to burden her with it, and this seemed like the best way to--" "Nope. Wrong answer again." Thank you. I've been nothing but supportive of Derek. Frankly, so has everyone. Besides, I thought the counseling was going well. "Out with it, Derek." "Um, I--no, not right. I just wish I could--" "I'm waiting." So am I. And now it comes. "Because she was going to do it first." OK, what? "Because of what I did on the Race." What, survive a suicide bombing? Eat a cayenne pepper? Kiss Carrie? Unless you and Carrie has wild sex on the Finish Line mat, I'm not upset. It was just kissing. Kissing that was initiated by Carrie largely to relieve bomb-related stress and get under Jeffrey's skin. If she had to cram her tongue in my boyfriend's mouth to get a rise out of that psycho bitch, then I'll take one in the name of comedy. "She'll see what it was tonight, and then you'll understand. I just wanted to end it on my terms rather than be crushed on Christmas Eve." Hmm. Maybe I should have cut off correspondence with Derek during the medevac episode of All-Stars II to save myself the agony of losing him during the sex lie episode. Of course, I didn't fall for Derek until a little after Yau-Man made the play on Charlie for the car, so that might have been a little too soon. I tuned Charlie and Derek out at this point - I don't know what Derek did, but he seems to think it's as bad as what I did, so we're looking at Derek perhaps being the Jonny Fairplay of Survivor? And to think Probst actually allowed Burnett to cast him in next season's Survivor, a.k.a. Survivor: Losers vs. Leftovers. Ten former Survivors who either played in China or weren't good enough for All-Stars II come back. My early money's on Amanda. Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere So the two gun-people agree to let us watch the Race despite the obvious distraction involved. Our fan favorite's out, but it seems like the fans here have taken up for any team not named Jeffrey and Bryan - them and 99.99999% of the viewing audience, estimated to be about 40 million, not bad for Christmas Eve. What else are they going to do, watch Home Alone 2 for the 13th time this year? Sure beats the hell out of talking to each other. One thing's for sure - the bickering between Spike, Mona, and the murderer continues on. Usually in a moment of concentration, the people involved would want to be silent, but the murderer still feels the need to defend his honor - "I killed in self-defense!" Yeah, because most states consider a pre-meditated break and enter into a private residence followed by tying up the members of the house and pistol-whipping one of them while making the other two watch to be "self-defense." The large part of the bickering still continues to be between Spike and Mona. I've heard the story a million times, and it always comes up around the holidays - Spike hasn't had a "proper" Thanksgiving dinner since she was 7 and her father was alive. When she was a junior in high school, all there was in the house for Thanksgiving dinner was Ramen noodles and Corn Flakes - and not the Kellogg's kind, just the cheap imitation kind that tasted like cardboard. As a senior, she was...well, a dropout, she ate out of trash cans and picked up loose change for cigarettes until she was 18 and no longer a minor. She always feared for a while that the authorities would pick her up for running away from home, but her mother's response was even worse - nothing. Spike wasn't invited to Thanksgiving or Christmas at Jennifer's - ever. Her family hated Spike with a passion, so she always came to my place on Thanksgiving and Christmas when the bar was closed. We watched football, talked about music, and ate chicken wings - nothing fancy, but at least I could count it as a failed attempt to get into Spike's pants. It got a little weird when she slept with a girl I was interested in, though. I have two things on my side at this point, which is about when the planes are taking off for Vancouver. One is that the murderer is completely engrossed in the bickering and making sure Mona doesn't flinch. If she does, he shoots her, and then he has the whole place to himself. If not, he had better not flinch, lest he end up dead himself. The other is that my shoes are really, really quiet. Make that three things - everyone in the bar, including Mona, has the good sense not to point me out. Maybe the glare from the frying pan - I do serve food here, after all, so I might as well make it good food courtesy of a culinary arts degree, of all things - might distract everyone, but it's black and Teflon-coated, so I'm probably fine. I have one chance, and I had better make it good. At the very least, if he shoots me, it probably won't be fatal, Mona will get him, and the situation will be over. That or I end up dead, just like Spike's real father. We'll probably end up being good friends in heaven, at least if you believe in that sort of thing, which I don't. Reincarnation? Now that's possible. Just don't reincarnate me as the son of a born-again Christian. I'm within a few feet of the murderer, coming up behind him. Fortunately, neither Mona nor the murderer has their guns ready to fire, so no stray bullets are about to go off. I wind up. He has a height advantage on me, but it's OK. Just like one of those strong-man things at the fair. You know, the ones you hit with a hammer and see how high up the weight goes. With all my strength, I swing the pan. The wind seems to pick up as the murderer starts to turn around. Maybe not good, but it doesn't matter; it's dead murderer or bust at this point. I make contact. The pan hits his head, which is unprotected. Next time, wear a helmet. He goes down like a ton of bricks, and his gun slides out of his hand in my general direction. Unlike Spike, however, I know how to fire a gun. "Tie him up, Spike." This is from me. "No! She's going nowhere!" OK, Mona, this is the wrong time. "I have a gun, too, so do what I say. He's out cold for now; let's make the most of it." Well, she does listen to reason. We get some rope out of the back in Spike's "private chamber", and for once, we're using it to tie up someone wearing clothes. If I'd said that out loud, Spike would probably die laughing. Now we've reached Step Two of the plan: Calm Mona down so we can play. In-Car Recording Taken from Police Car #151, 4:41 pm Tina: OK, fine, you have me. You're stuck. Besides, Mexico has extradition to the United States. Zeke: So do half the countries I've been in, but like I said, no one would dare arrest Ezekiel Featherston. I've done nothing wrong. Not even a parking ticket. Tina: Right. So Ezekiel Featherston, this alter ego of yours, can go free. They'll just haul Zeke Crandall's ass to precinct and then to the man-prison. I'll be sure to tell everyone what you did to me. Zeke: Won't happen. Remember, you're going along with me willingly. Tina: Except I'm not. Zeke: Except you're going along in a trunk. Tina: And where the hell are you going to get a trunk? Zeke: I'll stop off in Mexico and get one. Tina: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Zeke: Oh, is it? They'll give a cop anything. Tina: Give? Zeke: I'll tell them it's official police business and to contact the LAPD for the money, and by then, we'll be long gone. Tina: Do you even listen to yourself? Zeke: Look, as long as you're here, you'll play by my rules. Tina: And then when you're arrested, I'll go back home to L.A. Zeke: Not happening, sweetie. We're going somewhere far away. Tina: Right. Where it's legal to kidnap women. Zeke: Pretty much. We change planes in Dubai and we fly into Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Back from commercial. Dana: Crap. Carrie: My turn. Carrie takes her place behind the drums. She's precise early on. However, it gets more difficult. Carrie bobs her head vigorously as she works her arms. However, she misses a cymbal. The drummer shakes his head. Team confessional, Carrie and Dana. Carrie: I think they saved the hardest Detour for last. Everything else was doable. This was damn near impossible. Dana: I couldn't figure it out. I always lost my grip on the sticks. Cut to Dana playing the drums; she appears to play well for a moment, hitting every stroke from the sample until she drops a stick. Cut to Stanley Park; Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in last place, arrive at the statue. Bryan: Detour. Hard Rock or Hard Ice. Like I said, does anyone work here? Let's go with Hard Rock. I hate rock music. Team confessional, Jeffrey and Bryan. Bryan: I just feel so out of place in leisure-world. It's hard to get a task I want for here in Vancouver. Jeffrey: Plus, we're up against a hockey player and a college girl who has to know music. We're in trouble at this point. Cut to Charlie and Derek arriving at General Motors Place; they follow the marked entrance into the arena. Charlie: This might be a good indicator of how well you'll do in the pros. Derek: So if I can get a goal in what's effectively a shootout, I'm good. Charlie: You can stop a goal. Can you score one? Derek: You want to go first? Charlie: What the hell. Sure. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: Derek actually talked me into going first. I don't know how, but he did. Derek: Hey, it's not a problem. I'll score either way. Take it easy. Cut to Charlie lining up a shot on the ice. He takes the puck, cradling it on his stick; he glides it along the ice with the blade of his stick. Charlie keeps his balance but keeps looking at the goaltender. At the blue line, he loses the puck. He reaches his stick out and grabs it, almost falling. The goaltender approaches him slightly. Charlie comes to a stop about 25 feet from the net. He winds up a shot. It misses the net. Charlie: Well, there you have it. As he skates back to the bench, Derek takes a puck and drops it at center ice. He controls the puck, cradling it and tapping it back and forth with his stick. He glances up at the goaltender, who skates out of the net a bit. Derek passes the blue line, still cradling the puck. He veers slightly to his right. He switches back to his left, as if to go to the goaltender's stick side. As he approaches the net, he dekes. The goaltender bites, tending toward his right. Derek reaches out toward his right and an open spot on the net. He takes a wrist shot toward the top of the net. The puck hits the net from underneath. In the background, the red light illuminates. Derek stops near the goaltender. Derek: That's how we do it in Michigan. I'll see you in the NHL next year. Sanford: Damn. You're good. He takes a clue from the top of the net and hands it to Derek, who skates back to the bench and opens it. Derek: Travel to your final destination city-- Cut to Phil in front of the Sears Tower. Phil: Teams must now fly nearly 3,800 miles to their final destination city of Chicago, Illinois. From here, they are told that they must find the studio where television's most powerful woman hosts her flagship show. They must figure out that they are being directed to Harpo Studios, where they will receive their next clue. Cut to Charlie and Derek, currently in first place. Charlie: Let's rock. Cut to Hard Rock; Dana is lined up to play as Jeffrey and Bryan arrive. Bryan: You think Michigan took the hockey challenge? Carrie: Does a bear s--- in the woods? Dana: Come on, Carrie. Let's just do this. I almost had it. Carrie: You bitches better watch your back. Bryan: Bring it on. Carrie: Oh, we will. The screen cuts to commercial.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:14 PM (EST) 5. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking I turn quickly enough to realize that Ronnie's just shot at me. If I had a minute, I might be able to sit and calculate just how long it's going to take for the bullet to hit me, but then again, I'm a TV producer, not a physicist. I know numbers, but they're the kind I use to balance my checkbook and figure out how much I have saved away. Not exactly the kind of training I need to jump out from in front of a bullet. So I'm dead before I even realize what hits me, really, and my blogger name is no longer accurate. It had to happen someday. Someone else knows what the hell's going on, though; Carrie's taken a flying leap in my direction. Not sure what's going through her mind except some desire to jump in front of a bullet - save it, Carrie; I'll be fine. The replay in my mind later confirmed that she had her arm stuck out in a stiff-arm fashion as if to push me out of the way. That's about what happened, and I have the bump on my head to prove it from when I fell into the wall. Beats the hell out of a bullet wound. So I stand up a second or two later, still out of it. Around me, the room's descended into chaos. Uncle Larry just tackled Ronnie, and when Uncle Larry's upset, he turns into an absolute animal. He and Rick have Ronnie pinned down, and the gun is off to the side. Within seconds, two police officers, who were conveniently on the scene, have Ronnie in handcuffs; he's going away for a long time - I don't even think the Aryan Brotherhood is going to look too shiningly on Ronnie trying to shoot his own cousin. I start to regain my train of thought after I lapse into a brief thought process on whether or not I'm considered part-black because Carrie gave me her bone marrow when I'm interrupted by a sound that I'd previously drowned out...and it's then that it all comes together. "911, we're at 4600 West Kilgore Avenue. We have a woman who's just been shot. Send someone fast. Please. It's life or death." Wait, who the hell was shot? I thought the bullet missed--and then Carrie looks up at me, her left shoulder covered in blood. She's shivering, and not just because it's below freezing out. Dad's taken off his jacket and covered her shoulder in it - that thing cost $750 and he was insanely proud of it, and now it's a bandage for Carrie. She took the bullet. Damnit, she took the bullet. I couldn't tell if she took it on purpose to save me or if she got shot on accident trying to push me out of the way. Either way, we have a hurt woman and a son-of-a-bitch on his way to prison for a long time. And I have a lot of explaining to do to her - yes, I know she loves me. I know it wasn't over for her. But I swore I wouldn't do what I always do when a woman I love leaves me - bury myself in my work and forget about dating. And damnit, in my quest to get back into TV, that was exactly what I did. After what had to be the longest six minutes of our lives, the paramedics arrive. I'm not sure if you leave the bullet in or take it out, but lead poisoning is bad stuff - and Carrie was starting to look worse and worse. She lost a lot of blood, which the EMTs said they could stop. I had to remind them to be extra careful with her; she's hypoglycemic, and that might cause some problems for all I knew. She's allowed one person in the ambulance with her - naturally, she picks me. I really didn't know what to think at this point. I never stopped loving Carrie. Frankly, it's hard to stop loving anyone, and three weeks in L.A. doesn't change the fact that I was trying to fill the hole in my heart with work. Which is about the same as filling a hole in a dam with sand; the bleeding continues. I'm allowed to hold her right hand while the medics remove the bullet and apply an emergency bandage. The bleeding looks like it's stopped, but I've lost all concept of time at this point. For all I know, we're right back at the funeral home, or we could be at the nearest hospital. I whisper to Carrie. I promise her I'll be right back home with her, and we'll pick up where we left off - L.A. never happened, at least according to my resume, and all those friends she has that can help me get back into TV in San Francisco are at least worth looking into. Besides, her students need her, and she's almost out of sick days; she'll have to go on disability, and I don't know how we'll manage. So many questions. Damnit, she took the bullet. It was headed for me. I should be in this ambulance. Or in the ground. But she is. All I can do is wait. And hope. And wonder what great thing I did to deserve a perfect act of love like this, even if it came from the most selfless woman I know. Her bone marrow. The years she spent supporting me. And I threw it away because she got upset one night. And I wrote a nasty letter and told her off. I have her back. She's everything I ever wanted. Now to go on knowing I don't deserve her. The medics haul her into the emergency room. She seems to be stabilizing, but God only knows at this point. I cross my fingers, drop to my knees - and say the words I haven't uttered since I was about 15. "Dear God, if you can hear this..." Blog Entry Authored by: Danni Boatwright, tonganoxiegirl Seems like everything's falling into place. The OB/GYN is on his way to deliver Paula's baby, and he's none too pleased about it - the nurse told me he celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, and the wife and kids usually go to a movie or something on Christmas Day while he mans the hospital. But this year, he had to be on call, and it was his lucky day this year. Meanwhile, the nurse is consoling Paula and administering some kind of pain medication - to think, if I'd married Casey, I'd probably be at or past this point right about now. But he's off in Denver with his half-decent team while I'm in Kansas choking on the 2-14 Chiefs. Laugh it up, Weigmann; at this rate, we'd be divorced by now anyway, you lucky SOB. Charlie's turned his attention to me now that Derek stepped away to answer his phone; I'm assuming it's Rob asking if we've killed each other - no, that won't be necessary; Charlie's probably ready to kill Derek, and once this snow clears up, I'll be on my way. The look on his face isn't the one I was expecting - I expected more of a look of "If you never want to see Derek again, I understand and I'm with you, but please keep in touch with me." Not a problem, Charlie. Derek's been a jerk. You were nothing but nice to me. He seems to be studying me. I'm ready for an unexpected question or something. Maybe I'll get more than I bargain for. "I was for sure that you and Derek were perfect for each other, but he blew it. Do you know that he broke up with you knowing you were innocent?" Yes, I found out when you did, and I think most of this floor did, too. "I guess he got what came to him, then." Maybe not the best words of choice then. "What the hell does that mean?" Well, OK, he may be an idiot, but he's still your son. "Oh, nothing." Oh, something. "Wait a minute. Did you have Derek arrested for blowing up your car?" Why, yes, I did; thank you for noticing. Sure looked like his handiwork at the time. "And you knew he was innocent, too. I read your blog. You did to him what he did to you, and it hurt him more." I'll be the judge of that, thank you. Besides, he only missed one game, and his other girlfriend bailed him out of jail. "OK, fine, Charlie. I had him arrested. I made up the story of how he knew of a good flight from Kansas City to Detroit...well, not really; he knows every way to get from Ann Arbor to Tonganoxie. He just didn't use it." Like the cigarette butts and the fact that he had a game that night weren't giveaways - that and the fact that the assailant was about six inches shorter than Derek. "Maybe he needed a little dose of what it's like to be in my shoes." Derek folded when Charlie attacked him. I'm not about to. "So all this time I think there's really something going on here, and it's all just the two of you taking pot shots at each other. Why the hell don't you two just go somewhere, make up, kiss, and go back to Derek's place and do whatever it is you do in your spare time? Nothing that Derek did on the Race is that bad." Well, he seems to think it is. Who am I to argue anything different? He's Derek Forrest. His dad was on Survivor. He plays hockey at the University of Michigan. He's the greatest guy on Earth; just ask him. I'm sure he's moved on from me by now anyway; I hear Paris Hilton's single. Why not try to get with her? I look over at Derek. He's off the phone, and he looks like he just got hit by a car. Maybe he had to step outside to take the call. Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere I never thought handcuffs, shackles, and a blindfold would ever come in handy for anything other than Spike's charades with patrons, but it looks like the tall, muscular man who's apparently done nothing in prison but eat beef, lift weights, and get tattoos all day every day, so beating him hand-to-hand is unlikely. That's why I used this frying pan, which I can probably sell on eBay - "The Pan That Knocked Out Spike's Dad's Killer." Opening bid: $750. Proceeds go to me. The murderer isn't coming to, and now the stand-off is between me and Mona. If a comic or a Hollywood film-writer were writing this story, I'd end up married to this woman at the end of the story. Spike and Mona would hug, make up, and Spike would get her dad back in the form of me. She might go for it - Mona never liked the fact that her husband smoked, and I just gave it up. But that also denies the fact that the one woman on the planet who would date me is...well, Spike's loony mother, who's in worse shape than Spike was when I first met her. The good news is that the murderer isn't coming to his senses yet. If anyone's breaking out of those cuffs, it's that whack job, but I doubt he'll get far. As the creative SOB that I am, I decided to put Icy Hot in his shoes - hopefully that crosses him up a bit. Really, it's probably like hitting Superman with a feather, but it's something that won't get me sued. The commotion at this point has nothing to do with the guns or the fact that Dana's playing the drums - damnit, why are all the hot chicks lesbians? Apparently some weirdo just came into the bar - about six feet tall, clean-shaven, and pulled a ski mask back. After that storm over the weekend, we all need all the protection we can get, but come on; stop looking like you're wanting to rob the place. Although at this rate, I wouldn't be surprised if he does - and if so, he's an idiot; if a huge escaped convict lost this fight, so will you. The new man reaches into his jacket - ah, hell; he has a gun, too. What is this, the damn OK Corral? Come on, people. But it's not a gun. He adjusts a bit awkwardly - as if to show off how important he is - and pulls out a notebook. A few old newspapers inside, and some official-looking documents - what, is he seizing my property? "I need to see the manager of this bar." Hmm, I assume you mean the owner. I volunteer myself, careful not to take my eye off Mona or the out-cold murderer. "Not you." Right. I'm the owner; Spike's the manager. You must mean her. "I've been looking for you, Spike." Yes, we know. John Gerome, Seattle Times. Loved your article on the Christmas duet with Elvis. She doesn't talk to newspapers. She said she'll only talk to them about bands, although if you're here about the Poison Jewels, we're all ears. "My name is Harris Williams. I'm better known in your world by another name." Right. As I said, you're from the Times. Go on, unless that's the name you use on a porn site. "My birth name was Jackson Allan Blades. I'm your father, Spike." What. The. Hell. Just. Happened. In-Car Recording Taken from Police Car #151, 4:52 pm Tina: How the hell do you expect to get through security in Mexico City? Zeke: I have it all figured out. First I'll stuff you in a trunk, then I'll brainwash you-- Tina: Right. Because that's really going to work. Zeke: It is. I lock you in the trunk, and you either die or go along with my demands. Tina: I'll die, thanks. I'd rather be dead than suffer the rest of my life for your sick pleasure. Zeke: Fine. Be my guest, Tina. Give it a couple of days without water or food and you'll beg to be my slave. Tina: OK, fine. So you'll stuff me in a trunk. You're going to beat the U.S. border patrol, get to Mexico, stuff me in a trunk, brainwash me with food deprivation, and get me on a plane to Saudi Arabia? Does this make any sense? Zeke: I'm willing to wait a few days for you to break down before we fly out to Saudi Arabia. Tina: You still haven't told me how we're getting around the border patrol. Zeke: Watch this. At this point, Zeke reaches for a radio. Zeke: This is Officer Williams of the LAPD; I have a dangerous situation with an illegal immigrant who's hostile and dangerous. I'm on an emergency border run in car #151; please stand down. Tina: You can't expect them to believe that, can you? A pause comes from the radio. Radio: Roger that, Officer Williams. Zeke: Ten four. The radio turns off. Zeke: They bought it. Now shut up and sit back. Back from commercial. Bryan: Bring it on. Carrie: Oh, we will. Team confessional, Jeffrey and Bryan. Bryan: We caught up to Stanford. We were back in it, but we needed to do a drum solo. Jeffrey: I don't play music. I never did. I don't even really listen to music. But it was this or try to skate, and I hate ice. Cut to Hard Rock; Carrie is on the drums while Bryan waits with sticks in hand. She starts off on the beginning and is flawless, barely appearing to lose a beat. Dana stands with hands clenched; Jeffrey stands with arms folded. Carrie picks up speed, and she still appears flawless. The drummer looks on closely. Carrie finishes with a dramatic cymbal solo. She looks up at the drummer. He nods his head. Dana runs up to Carrie and grabs her, bringing her to the drummer. Dana takes the clue from the drummer; she opens it. Dana: Travel to your final destination city of Chicago, Illinois. Let's get going. Cut to Vancouver International Airport; Charlie and Derek, currently in first place, are at a ticket counter. Agent: The soonest flight we have out of Vancouver is tonight at 7:50 pm local time. You change planes in Seattle, and you land at 8:09 am tomorrow morning. Derek: Figures. We're on a red-eye. I hate red-eyes. Charlie: There's plenty worse things than a red-eye flight. Derek: Tell that to me. I'm still getting flashbacks. The half-awake stage is the worst. Charlie: I know what you mean. Derek: I know you do. Charlie: Hey, if it helps, we'll probably have Stanford on the flight. Maybe Carrie can give you a massage while Dana and I tell jokes. Derek: Hey, you and Dana have gotten pretty close. Charlie: Don't read into it. She's gay, and I'm married. Derek: Wasn't thinking that. I just think it's crazy. Charlie: No, crazy would be if she made out with me at the Finish Line. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: I grew up in the Chicago area. I went to Bears games, and I rode the El. I love Stanford, but we have the upper hand. Derek: At least we're not going to Columbus. Cut to the airport; Carrie and Dana, currently in second place, arrive at the counter. Carrie: So we're changing planes in Seattle? Dana: Let's say hi to Spike's punk friends. Carrie: No time. Charlie told me he's from Chicago. We're possibly screwed. Carrie and Dana make their way to the gate; Charlie and Derek are seated, and Derek is dozing off. Carrie: Wake up, sleepyhead. Carrie kisses Derek on the cheek. Derek: Sure is good to see you guys. Where's the other team? Carrie: Oh, the ones whose name must not be spoken? Derek: Yeah, that one. Carrie: Hung up on a drum solo. So how was it shooting on a real NHL goalie? Derek: I beat him on my first shot. Carrie: And with the first pick in the NHL draft, Derek Forrest goes to...who's the worst team in the league? Derek: In that case, I'll tank so I go to the Red Wings. Carrie: Oh, come on. You'd look hot in a Sharks uniform. Cut to Hard Rock; Jeffrey is in front of the drums. She starts off easy, hitting every note in precision. Bryan stands looking puzzled. She appears to be keeping up with the solo. Bryan: Wow. She's good. She appears to be picking up rage, powering into the solo and making a great amount of noise. At the same time, she screams as if to imitate an angry rocker. She drops her head as she crashes the sticks on the cymbals. The drummer takes out the clue and hands it to a beaming Bryan. Bryan: Fly to your final destination city of Chicago, Illinois. Wow, that was great. Jeffrey: Loosen up a little bit; it's actually kind of fun. Bryan: Since when do you like anything fun? Jeffrey: I was lots of fun in high school. Bryan: Yeah? Well, what the hell happened? Jeffrey: I met you, dummy. Cut to Vancouver International Airport; Jeffrey and Bryan get their tickets printed off and arrive at the gate, where Dana looks at them and lets her head sink in despair. Bryan: Thought you lost us, didn't you? (pause) Didn't you? Dana: No. We just hoped we did. Jeffrey: I can play the drums, if you can believe that. Carrie: Really. Jeffrey: I watched you, mostly. Carrie: So that's another thing you stole from black folks. Dana: Carrie, chill. Carrie: I'm just messing with her. Bryan: We're on your flight, and we got bumped up to first class. Carrie: How the hell did you get that? Bryan: Because I'm the best there is and ever will be; that's how. Bryan raises his hands into blurred-out middle fingers and walks away. Team confessional, Carrie and Dana. Dana: The jerks were actually starting to make us like them a little bit for a moment. Then Bryan reminded us why we hate them. Carrie: Enjoy first class. I'll sleep in Derek's lap. Dana: Cool it, Carrie. Carrie: Then cool him off. Dana: He's not my type. Carrie: More for me. Cut to a Mercator projection of North America; the cities of Vancouver, Seattle, and Chicago are highlighted. Phil (voice-over): All teams are now on their way from Vancouver to Chicago via Seattle. Cut to O'Hare International Airport; Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in first place, are off the plane first. Jeffrey: We're going to Harpo Studios. Team confessional, Jeffrey and Bryan. Jeffrey: I watch Oprah now and then, so I knew she was based in Chicago out of some studio here. Bryan: I got directions, and we're set. Plus, we have money for cabs and trains here. Cut to outside O'Hare; Jeffrey and Bryan are trying to hail a cab. They get inside one. Jeffrey: We need to get to...damnit, what's the name of Oprah's studio...Harpo. That's it. Harpo Studios. Driver: Right away. Cut to Charlie and Derek, currently in second place, arriving at an El station. Charlie: I know the trains. We'll miss the traffic and get right to where we're going. Derek: I hope to hell you know what you're doing. Charlie: Did I ever steer you wrong? Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: I decided it might be faster to go on the El than take a taxi to Harpo Studios. Derek: I didn't even know what Harpo Studios was until Dana told us. I don't watch Oprah; I barely watch any TV that isn't sports or has a friend or relative on it. Charlie: Take time to enjoy life, son. You might miss it. Derek: No time for that now. Cut to Carrie and Dana, currently in last place, in a cab. Dana: Where's Harpo Studios? Is there a way to get around the traffic? Driver: This is Chicago. There's no way to dodge the traffic. Carrie: We're from the West Coast. There's always a way. Driver: Please relax. I know what I am doing. Cut to Harpo Studios; Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in first place, arrive. Jeffrey: Travel to the Crown Fountain-- Cut to Phil in front of the Crown Fountain. Phil: Teams must now make their way to the Crown Fountain in whatever way they decide is best. It is here that they will receive their next clue. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan. Bryan: Let's keep this cab driver. Jeffrey: Good idea. Cut to Charlie and Derek, currently in second place. Charlie: We're behind, but we're making up time. Derek: OK, Dad. Suddenly, the train jolts to a stop. Charlie: What the hell? Derek: We have to get out. Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there's been some sort of mechanical failure. We'll get this solved just as soon as we can, and we'll get going. Charlie: Damn. The screen cuts to commercial.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:17 PM (EST) 6. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking It's only a flesh wound. Damnit, it's just a flesh wound. If I keep saying that, maybe I can make sure she lives. Anything to make sure Carrie makes it. Even if she loses use of that arm, she lives. It'll kill her at first, but it would have killed her more to see someone else go down. I sit alone, almost wanting to be by myself. Sure, Mom and Dad would be supportive, I'm sure, but they want the family together, and if that means that racist Uncle Larry wins, then so be it. It'll go down as the biggest case of "It's Christmas and we don't need the headache" that Carrie never gets justice for what happened to her, and I spend the rest of my life knowing that, no matter what, she wasn't good enough in their eyes. She could have cured cancer, saved humanity from an asteroid single-handedly, and fed every starving child for life, and it wouldn't be enough. All because she doesn't have the right skin color. The first person to approach me, surprisingly, was Uncle Larry. Great, just what I need. The words off his lips are direct and without too much intonation: "I need to talk to you alone, Rex." Not what I need to hear right now. I don't need to hear anything right now. I'll make that abundantly clear. "I'm not interested in hearing you gloat or dropping the charges against Ronnie. Piss off." "I didn't think you had the power to drop the charges." I probably don't, assuming Carrie lives, and even if not, I'd defer to her mother. "It's nothing like that. Please come with me." I refuse. "I insist." No, really. I insist. "Damnit, you can't help her; she's in the hands of the ER staff. Now what I have to say is important. Trust me." OK, fine. But the first sign of gloating, and I walk out. Somehow, he finds a fairly warm, fairly private location. As I get ready to tune out whatever he has to say and repeat my prayer to God in my head, he starts talking. I think I missed about the first three sentences, but after that, I kind of heard what sounded like: "If you don't go right back to that woman, you're a complete fool, and everyone here knows it." OK, I thought they gave the hard drugs to Carrie, not me. What the hell's going on? "Did you just say--" "Yes." OK, he had a change of heart. We'll see how that holds up when she's healed, you bastard. "This has gone on long enough. It's time I just came out with it." OK, you're gay. The marriage is a sham. You're secretly working for the CIA and Carrie's a drug lord. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad. "I'm not really a racist." Yeah, and I'm not really a human. Don't you think it's a little late to play the "I'm not a racist" defense? After claiming to be a racist for years, you're claiming you're not? Only a true racist would play that card for any reason other than--hmm, no, no good. Maybe--no, wouldn't work. Carry the two, factor in a plot to overthrow the government, travel forward from 1961 in Alabama--still not cutting it. "It's much worse than that, actually, and you're the first person I'm telling." OK, I'm listening. And I'm sure the papers would love to hear about this. "When your aunt Lillian was pregnant with Ronnie..." OK, that makes it about 29 years ago... "...I met a woman at work, and we became fast friends. Her name was Cherie Dennison, but that's not important; in any case, I spent a lot of time talking to her, mainly because your aunt was driving me crazy. She had a hard pregnancy, and things got out of hand between us. Cherie was single, and she always knew how to have fun. So..." I kind of know where this is going... "...I started having an affair with her. No one knew anything about it, and we kept it that way for a long time. It seemed like the perfect crime - we always used protection, and she was on birth control. She was the only woman I was with, other than Lillian, and I was the only one she was with." Right. And I'm sure you promised her you were leaving your pregnant wife for her any day now. Do continue. "I never made any false promises to her - we knew it was an affair, and she knew I had no intention of ever leaving my wife unless my marriage went sour. I also knew that she could end it any time she wanted, and she almost did a couple of times. But she was important to me as a friend and a confidant as well, so I kept the affair up right into your Aunt Lillian's second pregnancy - with Rick." So far, I'm not quite sure where this is going, but OK. I try to interject, but he puts his hand up. "Let me finish. Then you can say what you want. In any case, about a month after I found out Lillian was pregnant, I talked to Cherie, and she told me the good news - she, too, was pregnant. Most fathers would be thrilled to find out they're getting two babies at once." Provided they're both from the same mother and said father is ready for kids. "In my case, it was an absolute nightmare. So I decided that there was only one thing to do." Run screaming from the country. Got it. "I set up a trust fund for Cherie's baby, a girl. I also agreed to pay for the pre-natal care and the birth. Cherie was a professional and could take care of the rest. At the same time, she would start dating once she had the baby, and the man she married would adopt the child. That all worked out; it's a lot harder in practice, especially before the internet, but she met the right guy, and he adopted her daughter." OK, this is deviating a bit from reality. What professional woman with a baby and no husband has time to date? "I haven't seen Cherie since her daughter was born, but the trust fund I set up grew to over $310,000 in total value by her 18th birthday, and from what I read up on, she went to Vanderbilt University with that money." Uncle Larry's quite the saver, I guess. Must be the Majors genes; Grandpa was a penny-pincher, too. I'm still not sure what this has to do with me. But again, he quiets me. "One little thing I didn't tell you - Cherie is black. Her parents were Jamaican immigrants. Her daughter was half-black and grew up just outside of Muncie. I made sure that we never crossed paths. That worked pretty well until Rick brought over his first girlfriend. I didn't think anything of it until he told me her name - Jordin Riley." Yeah, so what? Rick brought home a girl named Jordin that you flipped out about because she was--hold the phone. It wasn't the black half of Jordin that he was upset about. "I forbade Rick to see Jordin again, and I told him that we dated our own kind in the Majors household. Sadly, Jordin was Rick's own kind, too. She was his half-sister." Your narration is about thirty seconds behind my brain, dude. "So anyway, I hadn't always been the most tolerant person - your grandfather always talked about how the races should just be friends and not intermingle too much..." Grandpa never cared for any of my girlfriends, although he warmed up to Carrie after the bone marrow transplant and had a change of heart at that point. "I played the racist angle for the past nine-plus years. And it killed me." My hands are visibly shaking at this point. I'll probably stammer if I speak. "So-so you meant to tell me that Carrie's in the hospital because you cheated on aunt Lillian and needed to cover it up all the time?" I can see the look of defeat in his eyes. "Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying." He's right. This is much worse. I'm definitely holding back a lot of rage. It's a little like holding back a mountain lion from a steak. Sooner or later, you're just going to give in. "I'm sorry, Rex. That's all I have to say." You're sorry. OK, fine. It's Christmas Eve, and I can hold off on ruining your marriage until after New Year's. If Aunt Lillian believes me. But damnit...the woman I love is in ICU because of him... I swing at his head. The first punch connects squarely with his jaw - I don't know how hard I hit him, but he fell back in his chair. As he looks back up at me, I land a perfect uppercut, almost knocking his jaw out of place. Damnit, I want to cause pain, not injury here. A swift kick to the groin should do the trick, and it does; he falls to his knees, not sure what to clutch. I see a tear forming, the only time I've ever seen my uncle cry - the Majors men aren't big on crying; even Grandpa's funeral saw a minimal amount of tissues used. But he's just been punched twice and kicked in a very vulnerable spot, and he doesn't know where I'll strike next. I look down at him and spit in his hair; then I toss a towel at his face and turn around. "Clean yourself up, you bastard." The door slam shakes most of this level of the hospital. I'm about to hit him where it hurts the most - and he knows exactly where that is. Blog Entry Authored by: Danni Boatwright, tonganoxiegirl Turns out that Derek's shocked look has little to do with the nature of the phone call and more to do with the nature of...well, another important call tonight. "The doctor's been in an accident, guys. He hit a glare of ice, skidded out of control, and crashed into a rail. The medics are on the scene, but there's no way in hell he's delivering this baby tonight." Great. Well, Paula, I guess we'll just have to sew you back up and reschedule this birth for another day. Screw nature, and screw the fact that humans have been delivering babies since the days of Adam and Eve, or cavemen, or whatever the hell you believe. Either way, birth has been around a lot longer than the medical profession, so even a skilled nurse should be able to handle this. The nurse who's been talking to Paula all night starts to brace herself - I finally get a good look at her name tag, which reads Karen Borshevsky. I'm no good with Polish names; fortunately, she answers to Nurse or Karen. Even more fortunately, Charlie has some experience delivering babies, and Nurse Karen seems to be on top of things; she helped deliver her sister's youngest child. Wow, no wonder Paula likes her so much; she's the Aunt Lynn of the family - never married, never had kids, always looked after her sister's kids. Speaking of Lynn, she has her hands full with Paula's foursome; the DQ closed early, and the pizza hasn't arrived. Apparently, Derek promised them something really nice if they behaved - and it seems to have worked, so I guess he didn't promise them Lions tickets. Maybe he promised them Lions tickets if they acted up - plus a long car ride up to Green Bay this weekend. The doctors, surgical team, and most of the nurses are busy with trauma patients or opening Christmas presents this evening, and some doctors are out of town; how they got away with this is unclear, but it's leaving us a little short-handed here. All we have is one lonely Nurse Karen and Captain Charlie, who's already got on his gloves and is ready for the baby. So with the situation in hand, I sit Derek down and ask him if there's anything on his mind. Translation, who called? "Oh, no one." Was it the doctor or his wife? "No." Was it anyone you know? "Maybe." A firm "maybe." Translation: someone he knows and doesn't want me to know about or wishes he didn't know. Wouldn't be Carrie; he's best friends with her now. Wouldn't be a death threat. He doesn't take those seriously. "OK, I'll tell you." Wait for it. Wait for it. Yup. His ex. Apparently extending a "final offer" for him - she moves to Ann Arbor, tries to get back into school, and they get an apartment together for the rest of the year. She also promises not to talk to other guys except about schoolwork, and she promises to cook for him. As Derek puts it, it "sure brings back a lot of feelings." Well, how the hell do you like that. He took the shoe leather after all. She poured some ketchup on it, and he ate it. I look him squarely in the eyes, unable to read his face. So this is why he broke up with me. For her. He could have had Carrie. He could have had someone who was actually, I don't know, nice to him. He could have had me, and I thought I was the woman of his dreams. But he threw it away for his ex. The one who lied to him, cheated on him, and probably even stole from him. Some people just can't let go. He'll probably marry her, and she'll have other men's kids and pin them on him. Serves him right for being so dense. "I understand, Derek. You can go be with her. I won't stand in your way." Might as well just end it right here. He doesn't even get a chance to look back at me, and then he does something I didn't see coming. He laughs. And he doesn't seem to be stopping. Apparently the concept of me letting him go so he can be with his bitch of an ex (who, it turns out, sent me that poorly-spelled death threat, hoping I would think she was "off balance" and give in easier. Well, she's right. I did think she was off balance. I just only gave in when Derek said she won.) After a good 45 seconds, Derek catches his breath. "I'm not getting back together with her. No way in hell. The only feelings were contempt and hatred." Well, that's a small relief. At least I didn't lose to shoe leather with ketchup. "I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than ever see her again. And..." The long, drawn-out pause with a sigh. "I think that's what will happen. I blew it. The best thing ever, and I blew it. All because I couldn't control my actions on the Race. I'm sorry, Danni." Well, at least he says it. "I'm sorry you got the worst of it. I was selfish and stupid. Maybe we can salvage a friendship out of this whole experience. I only hope." Yeah, me too, you bastard. I'd continue this, except I have better things to do, and-- "Damnit, this is it!" Followed by an agonized scream from Paula. Charlie, don't fail us now. Nurse Karen, go get more drugs. She's on it. Hmm, she's been gone an awful long time. So has Charlie. I walk out into the hall and try to get Charlie's attention; he's on the phone. Apparently, he's really on the phone. "I can't do this. This is a really important call." And your wife is having a baby. We need your help. "I can't. I'm sorry." Damn you, Charlie. Let's go the other direction - and it figures. The nurse blacked out, and she, too, is becoming a patient. Don't tell me Derek and I have to deliver this baby ourselves. Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere The man who just entered the room is about two inches shorter than what Spike always said her father was - but maybe she was inflating his height, or maybe my eyesight's bad. He's a lot thinner, too - Spike said her father pushed 300, mostly muscle. Maybe he lost a lot of weight; if he was trying to conceal his identity, that might be a good place to start. "I'm risking my life by coming here, but I thought it was important. I wanted to see my daughter after eighteen years." Well, he got the date right. So far, so good. "I'll explain everything; just give me a--" "You can't possibly expect me to believe this, can you?" Spike, for one, isn't buying it. "I watched my father being murdered. I saw him go into the ground. I lived with that since I was a little girl. And you look nothing like him. You sound nothing like him." He seems undeterred. "I know this is hard to believe. But it's true. I survived that day, and I was taken to a hospital run by the military. The cops got there just in time to keep me alive, I was shuttled out, and I was unable to return." Uh-huh. Sure. "I was in the Witness Protection Program. I recognize this man here. He's not the one who killed me." Tell that to the judge. "He's not mad because of a car accident or anything. The authorities made that up. He was falsely convicted. A man fitting his description is the real killer and was since deported to Mexico. He was the member of a crime family that I busted. Actually, sort of on accident." Go on. "I was looking to change jobs when I came upon an Italian restaurant. When I interviewed for the position, I heard some people talking in another language. I understood just enough Spanish to know that they were a crime organization, and I tipped off the authorities. Two of them got loose, and they were the ones who tried to kill me. They almost succeeded, and I was taken away to a hospital and put in the Program. Since then, I've been living in Tulsa, Oklahoma, under the name Harris Williams." Now here comes the good part. "Your mother couldn't cash the life insurance policies because I wasn't dead. I couldn't send money or visit you because it might jeopardize my life. I couldn't even come back for you. I know you had a rough life, Spike. And I'm sorry I couldn't do better for you." OK, Spike, your turn. "Are you high?" Clearly she's not really warming up to this new "father" of hers. "Wait a minute. I've spent a lot of time high, and I make a hell of a lot more sense then than you do now, so what the hell is it? What's your scam?" Apparently there isn't one. "You can't be my father. You know nothing about me. For one thing, you just called me Spike. Only my fans and people I know from here call me Spike. If you were family, you would have used my real name. Come on, asshole. I called out a religious nut job a couple of weeks ago on this." OK, he's one for one. He got her name right - Allison. Even nailed her middle name - Marie. Two for two. Spike's not impressed. "What did you get me for my eighth birthday?" I don't even know this one – she tells me later: Seahawks tickets. That’s how she fell in love with the team. "Enough of this, young lady. You know damn well what he got you." OK, Mona, shut up. "All you ever did was work, work, work, and spend your leftover time with this no-good kid of yours. I was nothing to you, and then you walked out? And faked your own death to do it? Of all the things I've seen, Jackson. Of all the things. You really are a low-life jerk if you think you can just waltz back in here and expect a relationship with me again! Get the hell out of here!" He doesn't. He steps to the side as the cops show up. The murderer's back on his way to jail, and not one protest of "But he's innocent!" from Spike's alleged father. Sure, when it's just Spike and Mona, he'll speak up. But when the cops come, he's quiet as a mouse. And I'm not the only one to notice? "Speak up, you son of a bitch!" Spike's up in her supposed father's face, and the cops notice. "Why don't you tell the cops you story, jerk? Tell them you let an innocent man go to jail for whatever reason - if you're even telling the truth?" Not a word. Not a single word. Just Spike up in his face, and a couple of confused cops. In-Car Recording Taken from Police Car #151, 5:02 pm Zeke: Well, go on. Tell me you're ready to play ball, Tina. Tina: I'll die first. Zeke: Not likely. I'm getting past border patrol, and in some small town in Mexico, I can hide you for a few days while you break down. Tina: I'll never go along with it. Zeke: We'll see how you feel in three days after you haven't eaten or drank anything and you miss Christmas. Tina: I hate Christmas. You always ruined it for me. Zeke: I didn't ruin anything. I always got you the best things. Tina: No, you made my parents get me the best things with your name on them, and when I did anything you didn't like, you made them take it away. Zeke: What? Enough of your conspiracy talk. I did nothing wrong. Tina: Right. Because molesting a young girl isn't wrong. Got it. Zeke: Oh, come on. That would be wrong. But it's not what I did. By the way, thanks for losing so much weight; it'll make transporting you easier before I get you home to fatten you up again. Tina: I'll starve before I eat that grease again. Zeke: I'll starve you until you agree to eat what I tell you. I didn't travel 12,000 miles and steal a police car to fail. A brief pause in the tape. Radio: Car #151, we roger that statement. We're on our way. Stop the car and get out and we will reduce the charges. Zeke: What are you talking about? Radio: We heard your statement. In fact, we heard everything. You're under arrest for grand theft auto, impersonating a police officer, theft of police property, and kidnapping, and we may uncover other charges. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Zeke: Choke on it, bitches; we're going to Mexico! You can't touch us there! Back from commercial. Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, there's been some sort of mechanical failure. We'll get this solved just as soon as we can, and we'll get going. Charlie: Damn. Derek: I thought you said this was faster. Charlie: It usually should be. Cut to Carrie and Dana, currently in second place, arriving at Harpo Studios. Dana: Travel to the Crown Fountain to get your next clue. Carrie: We'll keep the same driver. We need to get out of last. Team confessional, Carrie and Dana. Dana: All the way there, we were thinking, "Beat Jeffrey and Bryan." That was it. Michigan would take care of themselves. Carrie: We can charm Michigan. We figured we'd be fine. Cut to Charlie and Derek, currently in last place, sitting idly on the train. Charlie: Well, we're done for. Of all places to lose. Derek: I'd rather go somewhere no one's familiar with, so if we lose, it's not extra-humiliating. First I blow the national title, and now this. Charlie: This one's my fault, son. Derek: I should have done better. Charlie: No, this was my idea. The train begins to jerk. Derek: I think this is it. Charlie: I hope you're right. The train begins to move. Some passengers begin to cheer. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: The train was only down for a few minutes, but it felt like forever. Derek: Turns out some joker pushed the emergency button. Cut to outside Harpo Studios; Charlie and Derek arrive. Derek: Travel to the Crown Fountain to get your next clue. Charlie: We're still in it. Cut to the Crown Fountain; Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in first place, arrive. Bryan: Travel to the University of Chicago campus-- Cut to Phil on the campus of the University of Chicago. Phil: Teams must now make their way to the University of Chicago and find the famous Midway Plaisance. It is here that they will receive their next clue. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan. Jeffrey: Let's win this thing. Soon after, Carrie and Dana, currently in second place, arrive. Carrie: Travel to the University of Chicago campus and find the Midway Plaisance to get your next clue. Dana: I wonder if that's the end. Carrie: It would say if it was. Cut to the streets of Chicago; Carrie and Dana, currently in second place, are within sight of Jeffrey and Bryan. Dana: I hope there's some point where we can catch up. Carrie: Never count on it. Make your own breaks, girl. Cut to Crown Fountain; Charlie and Derek, currently in last place, are arriving. Derek: Travel to the University of Chicago campus and find the Midway Plaisance. Charlie: We're still in it. Derek: I know. Cut to the University of Chicago campus; the walkways seem to have a marked path. Carrie and Dana, currently in second place, are about 500 yards behind Jeffrey and Bryan. Dana: Damnit, this is it. We lost. The bastards won. Carrie: Look on the bright side. At least Jeffrey can take the money and get her teeth bleached. Dana: What the hell do you mean? Carrie: Haven't you seen her teeth? She looked like she soaked those things in coffee and tar. Dana: If this isn't it, that bitch is going down. The screen cuts to commercial.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:20 PM (EST) 7. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking Tell Aunt Lillian. Don't tell Aunt Lillian. Tell Dad. Tell Mom. Tell Carrie. No, don't tell Carrie. The last thing she needs is a lot more stress. She needs a familiar face - her mom's in Oakland thinking her daughter's probably gone insane, but at least she has me. I decide to head back to my family, or what of it came - Dad made it, as did Mom, Aunt Lillian, and my siblings. Ronnie's in handcuffs, Rick's either destroying his marriage or saving it, and God only knows what happened to Charlene, their sister, the one who's stuck in an unhappy marriage. My sister Gabrielle left her workaholic husband two years ago - he wasn't abusive, just neglectful, working over 90 hours a week and forgetting her birthday, their anniversary, and even Christmas routinely. Charlene's husband? Just as bad, only he spends a lot more, effectively leaving Charlene as a single mom with a nice house and a solid income. Gabrielle and my brother Krystoff made it - alone. I'm not sweating profusely or shaken up when I get back to them; somehow, assaulting my uncle and nearly losing my girlfriend to a racist attack in one evening should have more of an effect. But when I arrive, Mom hugs me, wondering where Uncle Larry went. I tell them he'll explain all of that later - or rather, his busted mouth and aching groin will explain it. If I'm lucky, Dad will add a broken nose and a black-and-blue torso to it; Dad never took crap from anyone and raised me to do the same. The minute I found out my last girlfriend was cheating? Gone. Dad would have been twice as fast. The sob-fest is broken up by a nurse who comes to Dad. Apparently, Carrie's up in recovery, weak and on a lot of drugs, but, well, recovering. The EMTs got the bullet, and she'll regain use of her arm in a few months through physical therapy. She's also been referred to a specialist in Oakland who will monitor her recovery. Her insurance should pick up most of the tab - we've done with out a lot of things; health insurance hasn't been one. She's also allowed one visitor at a time - what a shock; they pick me. The walk up to recovery seems a lot shorter than the two floors and long hallway that it actually is. I'm getting a second chance. I also get a lot more than I bargained for - a cop stops me and asks for everything I know about the case. I know virtually nothing; all I know was that Ronnie tried to shoot me, Carrie tried to push me out of the way, and the bullet hit her in the shoulder. She lived, Ronnie's off to prison, and at this rate, unless he gets out for good behavior and Obama's elected to a second term, he won't get the chance to assassinate the President. Wait for President...umm, Chris Rock? The cop starts off easily. "The first thing you need to know is that your friend is doing fine." I knew that. She's also more than my "friend." Give me a little credit. "Also, according to the officers on the scene, you should know something. That bullet was headed straight for your chest and would have hit your heart. Had she not pushed you out of the way and gotten the bullet lodged in her shoulder, you would have died immediately." Wouldn't be the first time she sacrificed to save my life--and then the sobering thought hits me again. She took the bullet. She did it for me. And I would have been dead. Not just in the hospital hanging on. Dead. No second chance. First Grandpa, then me. Two Majors men, one event, and many hearts broken. I tune out most of what the officer says after that, having nothing to add and needing to hear nothing else. I just know she did something I can never even begin to repay her for. I now pretty much have to go back to her - wasn't planning on letting her go after she cared enough to show up at Grandpa's funeral, anyway; I just didn't want to go into it right there - but after this, I'll never convince myself I deserve her. I'm not good enough for her. So I have to spend the rest of my life in gratitude to this wonderful woman, one I can never hope to do anything so great for. I ask to be alone with her. The cop and nurse grant that, and I sit on her right side holding her hand, I kiss her on the cheek, and she has enough energy to smile. Her arm is bandaged up, and she's dressed in a hospital gown. Most people would tell her she looks like hell - especially herself. To me, she's the most beautiful woman on Earth in every way, and for once in my life, I can say that without making myself ill from how sappy that sounds. I ran away from her. All she's done was love me. She made one mistake, and I tossed her aside like an old shoe. I'm a complete bastard. But I'm smart enough to know it. I whisper to her that I love her. I promise to buy her dinner at the restaurant we went to on our first date - when she told me to loosen up. I was so intimidated by her. I'd dated a knockout before - Juanita, my first love, was a gorgeous Latina who was universally regarded as too good for me - but we had been friends since childhood. Everyone assumed that we would end up together until she blossomed into a goddess and I blossomed into a skinny dweeb. She didn't have much energy to speak, but she told me a few things. "I told the EMT on the way here that, if I died, I wanted you to split my prize money with my mom. Fifty-fifty. Dana could keep hers." Thanks, honey, but I'd rather have you than whatever a quarter of the third-place or even second-place share was. I'm assuming she probably finished second at this point - makes sense, really. That extra $12,500 would go into my savings. Maybe if I ever moved on, I could take another woman out to dinner in L.A. - paying cash, of course. Carrie was floored when I bought a $210 meal for her in $20 bills and proceeded to tip $50 to the waiter and whatever the hell the guy is who pours the wine. I held her hand and asked her if I could come home. She smiled, still weak, and mouthed "Yes." I decided I'd only ask yes-and-no questions - and for a recliner so I could sleep here. Hell of a place to spend Christmas, but I couldn't think of anywhere I'd rather be. I looked her over - dressed in a brown hospital gown and with freshly painted toes, almost making it apparent that her ears and tongue aren't the only things she has pierced - and told her I'd do anything I could to make her life what she deserved. She had one request - for me to turn down the heat. The only problem is, when I did, she made the request again - twice. Damnit, I'm going to freeze. Blog Entry Authored by: Danni Boatwright, tonganoxiegirl "Wait a damn minute. You mean we're the only people in this entire hospital that can deliver Paula's baby?" Good to know someone here's caught up to me on this matter. Charlie's taking a really important phone call, supposedly; it better be the damn President or someone he's talking to if he's missing the birth of his daughter. I guess it figures - with the OB/GYN and the nurse turning from staff to patient tonight, and with the hospital already understaffed, we went from patient to staff. And I bet we don't even get paid for it. Not that I care; I'm sure Derek got the million and is just feeling intensely guilty about it - I get it, Derek; I have a million, Charlie has the car for life, and you're going pro. Get over it. Unless Jeffrey and Bryan won and it's your fault. In which case, yes, I'll leave you. Derek takes off his jacket and slips on some gloves; I take a look at Paula, and the baby is starting to crown. Fortunately, Paula's never had a C-section, so this birth should be doable without a doctor. Doable without pain meds, however, is an entirely different subject; Derek's trying to hold Paula's hand and comfort her, but he's not having as much luck as, say, a woman would. He's coaching her through childbirth, not playing on a roughed-up knee. Come to think of it, that's probably how Jim made it so far. "Come on, Paula; push! Come on!" I'm worried about making sure I don't drop the baby; to hell with everything else. The afterbirth can spill on the floor for all I care, and a janitor can come clean it all up. It's not my business. I have two towels, and I'll cut the umbilical cord with something. So far, all I have is a head. Half of a head, to be exact. Crowning is about a step ago, if I remember my sister-in-law's Lamaze class stories that she wouldn't stop torturing me with. Jeez, apparently I wasn't tomboyish enough. "Derek, do you have good hands?" Silly question, I suppose; his reflexes are cat-like. Years of hockey and Madden have made him that way. I wouldn't want to get into a game of Egyptian war with that guy. He may lose, but at least all his hand bones are still intact. I call him over and hand him the towels, which will need a lot of bleach when we're done. According to Derek, the head's almost out. "What the hell do I do? Do I pull it out?" Gently, Derek. It's a baby, not an opposing defenseman. Soft hands. He always told me his hands were too tightly-wound around that stick when he missed the big shot. None of that here, even if he could easily palm his sister's head. I can't watch. Neither can Paula. Her daughter's fate rests in the hands of her somewhat upset step-son. Aside from that, I haven't thought of how to cut the umbilical cord. I wouldn't even know where to begin. "I'm fine, Danni. I have it from here. Go get someone to do whatever it is they do after a baby's born. Please." Well, OK. I'm not doing Paula much good. Somehow, all the Dairy Queen in the world wouldn't help now. So I'm off. Time passes. I finally rustle up a momentarily free assistant with about ten minutes of birth training, or whatever it's called. We're both exhausted or we'd be running faster - and to think she's pulling a 20-hour shift. Sure hope she doesn't have to do this too much else today. I promise her a Red Bull for her trouble - then she opens her purse and shows me nothing but 5-Hour Energy. Little shots of energy. She says it tastes like weed killer but does the job. Sure could use that. OK, back in the delivery room, or the best facsimile thereof. Without even thinking, the assistant charges in head-on with a scalpel and slices the umbilical cord in one chop. The little girl is yanked out of Derek's hands and rushed to an incubator without even a second thought. I think I saw Derek's head spin. I'm not sure if he was freaking out or just bonding with his new sister, but one thing the assistant took along with the little girl? Derek's Michigan jacket. The one he had worn in. He wrapped his sister up in it to keep her warm. He told me she seemed to be doing OK. She was crying and a little freaked out, but if the first thing you saw after being born was a hulking man with a full beard who had pretty much total control over you, you might be a little frightened, too. Derek finally catches his breath as he looks up at the Race - he just got out of the stopped train. I sit down next to him and try to look him in the eye, but it's more exhaustion than disinterest that's on his face. "Hey." I try to get his attention. I seem to succeed, sort of. "You were awesome. I know Paula's proud of you and your dad will be when he sees what you did. You'll make a great big brother." I kiss him on the cheek. I'm used to the beard, so it's not a shock to me - but it seems to be a bit of a shock to him. "I'm sorry, Derek." I really shouldn't have been so presumptive. He says I'll hate him in a few minutes anyway. I just thought I'd make him feel good for now. "Sorry for what?" Apparently his brain isn't quite all there right now. "I feel like I shouldn't have done that." At least judging by his reaction. "But I'd do it again." "Don't worry about it. I haven't been kissed by anyone since the last time I saw you. Still feels good to me." Then you won't mind if I hold your hand - and he didn't stop me, so I kept doing it. "I just wish there was something I could do to undo what happened on the show." All right. Well, let me tell Charlie. I kiss him again and actually get a smile. I talk to Charlie. I finish watching the Race. It's all coming together now. I'm about to ruin his Christmas. Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere "What are you, anyway? Some kind of stalker?" Spike's taking nothing from this man. And he's giving nothing, so it seems to be an even exchange. "Answer me, #####! Who the hell are you?" Either he's going to speak up when the cops leave or he's going to admit whatever his scam is. "Is there a problem, ma'am?" Presumably, these two stayed behind to get a police report and because the other two had control of the situation. The murderer was subdued - you're welcome - and he's on his way to lock-up to be transferred back to state prison - and by the way, Officer, we'll be needing those handcuffs back. I'm assuming Spike might have a date here before too long. "Yeah, Officer. This son-of-a-##### is scamming me. He says he's my father. My father's dead and he knows it!" The strange man still isn't speaking. He's just standing there. The Beefeaters are more fidgety than this joker. "Ma'am, there's no law against lying except to defraud people. There's nothing I can do. Just ignore him." Ignoring people isn't exactly one of Spike's strong suits. She almost got herself thrown off the Race by not ignoring Bryan, though, to be fair, he did almost kill her. "Has he tried to blackmail you or extort money out of you for any reason?" No, not so far. "Has he produced any documentation that indicates that he is your father?" Not that we've seen, but we don't know what's under his jacket. And yes, I know you can't search him under that whole Fourth Amendment thing. "Has he participated in any illegal activities that you are aware of?" "That's not the point, officer! He's--wait a minute. Come to think of it," It's never good when Spike goes off on one of her half-insane tangents. "He does look kind of familiar. He said he was in the Witness Protection Program. What did you say your name was again? Jackson Blades? Or rather, Harris Williams? Or is this too scary? Maybe you should run away before whoever it was that tried to kill you catches up to you again! Come on! You left for 18 years, and now all of a sudden when your daughter's a big shot, you want a relationship? Spill it, #####!" I'm not sure if Spike made the man wet himself, but he certainly came close. "What do you have against me? You know damn well my dad's dead!" Hmmm. Pretending to be her father. I wonder if this joker had anything to do with the obviously fake video of a Danni-like figure with that guy--hang on. I've got a computer. The shouting continues for a few minutes. I look at the video - and in the least shocking even of the day, I conclude that the person in the video and the person here are, yes, one and the same. And there's no way in hell that man's old enough to be Spike's father, and she points it out. His answer? He had facial reconstructive surgery. Apparently, he also lost a bunch of weight, gave up smoking, and had to start wearing "reading glasses" - the imposter wears glasses; Spike's father had perfect vision. Spike's not buying it. "Just who the hell are you, anyway? Answer me, you son of a #####!" The imposter's getting more scared, and it hits me - who was it that pulled a bunch of ludicrous stunts like this during Survivor? And why does it look like we have a copycat? A low-budget, complete moron copycat, but a copycat nonetheless. I approach the so-called father. "What the hell's your game?" No answer. "You're the same joker who made that video. Just so you know, that girl doesn't look anything like Danni. You got lucky. That or Derek has really bad eyesight." "Heh, heh." The moron laughs. "That loser got what he deserved. Justice way overdue for that boy's daddy." Of course. Someone wanted to ruin Charlie's life and -- it clicks. "Cousin Mel?" Perhaps a long shot. "Just who the hell are you, anyway?" Now it's show time. I address the patrons. "Ladies and gentlemen, in addition to the Poison Jewels, we have a special guest here, the world-famous Cousin Mel! He's been ruining lives and causing misery since...I don't know, about a month and a half ago. So tell me, why the name Cousin Mel?" He's trapped. Spike has one way blocked. I have another. Only one escape. "That's right, assholes. I'm Cousin Mel." Go on. "Mel Shankman, that is. Steve Shankman's cousin." Of course. Red 14 from Survivor, who met an untimely fate after going completely insane. "He didn't get his revenge, so that's my job. And after we're done here, Bruckheimer's going to be out a lot of money for letting that bastard Charlie party his way around the world and for Derek cramming his tongue in that woman's mouth and for all the other unspeakable horror! You'll all choke on it when Jeffrey and Bryan win! In your faces!" He darts out of the bar with everything in hand, leaving us all to wonder what was in that packet of things he had. Irony would dictate that he immediately gets hit by a bus, but he made it out alive, going off into the sunset. I'll have to pass it along to everyone who he is and what he did - except for one thing. That girl in the video looks a bit young... After sending out some info to the Dallas P.D., who apparently have that girl in custody for prostitution, it's confirmed - she's only 16, and she claims her little tryst with Shankman wasn't exactly consensual. Next call? The Seattle P.D. If I were Shankman, my advice - don't let them take you alive. The cops left behind finish up the police report - and a puzzled, still-upset Spike seeks some answers regarding that lunatic. Fortunately, one of the officers is a grizzled vet of many years who admitted that he's about six months from retirement. "I knew your dad." So did so many. "Hell of a good guy. Mona, you might be interested in this, too." "First, there's something I should say, Allison." Mona's first calm words all evening. "There's a reason I didn't cash those policies. I thought I could do it on my own and I was ready to. Actually," Insert sigh and dramatic pause here. "I was getting ready to leave your father. Sure, he was a hell of a restaurant manager and a great father. I know you loved him. It sometimes killed me how much you did. But he wasn't much of a husband. Half the time, he got home late and crashed on the couch. He always watched TV, and he took you everywhere, leaving me alone. It was always the Jackson show, always about him and his daughter. I was just an accessory." I can see the pain in Mona's eyes. "I dealt with it until I heard about that woman." Spike tries to speak - her mom stops her. "Hear me out. She was a tall, statuesque blonde who did some kind of services around town, and she was at his restaurant a lot, especially in the winter and around the holidays. Seemed like they never interacted much during the summer except when she came in for a meal. She was always friendly with your dad. A little too friendly, I thought. And then, when I saw them after hours giggling like schoolchildren, and then I heard her shouting your father's name in her office, I knew what had gone on." Give it time for us to draw that conclusion. "Your father was having an affair, Allison. That's why I was so upset at him." The officer looks right at Mona and gives her a strange look. "I knew your husband really well. I was a regular at his restaurant; a lot of cops were. Best coffee in town. But I think you judged a little too quickly, Mona." Do continue before Spike flips out. "That woman was his tax accountant. She had a lot of clients around here, including my sister. And if you paid attention that day you referred to," This ought to be good. "When that woman was screaming like that in Jackson's office, she walked out with assistance from two employees. She screamed like that because she fell off a ladder and banged her knee. They took her to Urgent Care for it. Jackson loved you, Mona. He talked about you and your daughter all the time." The confusion on Mona's face is evident - eighteen years of hating her husband is all seeming to be washed away. I suppose this guy sees Jackson's ghost, too. "He never cheated on you. He knew what that was like to be cheated on and would never do it to anyone. Jackson was a hell of a guy, and from what he described, you were a hell of a woman." One last question - this one from Spike. "So...my father wasn't that weirdo?" "Oh, no." The officer's expression is hard to describe. "In this case, the simplest explanation is best - your dad was murdered by a pissed-off criminal. He's probably watching you right now from heaven." Umm, better take back that last statement - Spike doesn't believe in heaven. But she's smart enough to hold her tongue - at least this guy's not trying to convert her. The police report is filed, and no further incident occurs. If only every event we have here could go this smoothly - most of the patrons stuck around. The band's still here, and a shaken-up Spike gets to make her debut as a drummer. Her mom takes a spot near the front. "Go make your mom proud, Allison." One quick look back. "I mean, Spike, you crazy rock chick. Give 'em hell." In-Car Recording Taken from Police Car #151, 5:51 pm Tina: This is ridiculous. Just turn yourself in. Zeke: Hell no, baby! We're this close to the Mexican border! Tina: I'm not coming with you. I know everything. Zeke: I told you, you'll cooperate after a few days with no food. Maybe you can even sample some of the local water down here. That might get you to cooperate. Tina: I'm not an idiot, Zeke. I know what happens when you drink the water down here. Everyone in California does. Zeke: Then you'll know exactly what happens to you! Maybe you can even cure yourself with that fancy medical degree! Tina: Maybe I will! Then maybe I'll get so big and strong that you can't hurt me! Zeke: Oh, you'll get big, all right. Soon enough, I'll breed you, too. Tina: Why the hell can't you just leave me alone? Zeke: Not when you got the press all over me. I had to run away because of your stupid little blabbing on the show. Why can't you just keep your mouth shut like a good girl? Tina: That does it. I'm out of here. Zeke: Oh, good luck. A loud noise is heard, and swerving noises block out most of the dialogue from this point; it is apparent that Tina is trying to kick out the windows of the car and Zeke is swerving to prevent her from doing so. Shattered glass is heard, and a scream overpowers the swerving noises at first but decreases in power. It appears that Tina has escaped the vehicle and is in a standing position in front of the police cruiser at this point. Back from commercial. Dana: If this isn't it, that ##### is going down. Carrie: I'm sure there's one more chance to catch up. Cut to the Midway Plaisance; about 100 yards from the clue box, three stations full of flags are set up. Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in first place, are arriving. Bryan: Final Task. Let's see what you remember-- Cut to Phil in front of the flags. Phil: In the Final Task of the Amazing Race, teams must put the flags of the countries they visited in order. There are 64 flags in each grid, and the flags of Puerto Rico and the United States are already placed for them. The practice leg is not included. Once they have the flags in the right order, they will be given clearance to proceed to the second part of the task, in which they must locate and place in order the locations of each of the 14 Pit Stops in a grid of 144 names. Once they have that accomplished, the student watching them will hand them their next clue. Cut to Jeffrey and Bryan. Jeffrey: So the flags first and then the names. Immediately, Jeffrey heads to the side of the display while Bryan searches for the first flag, the flag of Chile. Soon after, Carrie and Dana, currently in second place, arrive at the clue box. Carrie: Final Task. Let's see what you remember. Dana: I had fun; that's what I remember. The flags? That's where we start? Carrie: That's right. Dana: Let's rock. A quick flash to Jeffrey and Bryan shows that they have placed the flags of Chile and Brazil; however, Bryan has placed the Union Jack in both the spot for Scotland. Another quick flash shows the Scottish flag. As Carrie places the flag for Chile, Charlie and Derek, currently in last place, are shown arriving. Bryan places the Swiss flag as Dana puts in the Brazilian flag. Derek: Final Task. Let's see what you remember. A bit too damn much. Charlie: No kidding, son. A quick pan to Jeffrey and Bryan shows Jeffrey seated off to the side as Bryan places the flag of Mozambique. Dana looks out at Jeffrey as Carrie is up to the flag of Switzerland; she has placed the flag of Scotland correctly but is using the Union Jack for Wales. Dana: Hey Jeffrey! Too much to take? Jeffrey does not give an obvious response. Dana: Come say something, woman! Stick up for yourself! Carrie: Dana, shut the hell up and help me. Dana: Trust me, Carrie. I have this in hand. Dana turns back to Jeffrey. Dana: Come on! Fight back, you shriveled-up #####! You just decide you can't win, so you gave up? Great attitude! I bet your kids are proud that Mom's a quitter! A quick pan to Derek, who is placing the flag of Switzerland. Derek: Ouch. Jeffrey, however, does not budge. Dana: I bet you could use a cigarette now, right, Jeffrey? I bet that sweet tobacco's all you need after four long weeks without it! Maybe a nice glass of wine and you can forget all about losing the Race and having a cheating husband! At this point, Jeffrey rises from her seat and approaches Dana; Derek appears to march toward his teams' border with Jeffrey and Bryan. Jeffrey: Now look here, young woman. I live a perfect life, and we're going home with the million dollars, so just shut your mouth and go back to your fat girlfriend and-- Dana: Oh really. So just because I'm not anorexic and leather-skinned makes me and my girl fat? Maybe you should tell that to your husband, who can't take his eyes off me or Carrie! Jeffrey approaches Dana, stepping into her work area; Derek looks around the corner with a grin on his face as Jeffrey starts to shout at Dana. Derek: I don't know what you're shouting about, lady; you just lost the Race. Jeffrey turns her attention to Derek for a second. Derek: That's right, you just got a 30-minute penalty for looking at her workspace. You lose. Go back to Columbus and cry. Jeffrey throws her arms up in frustration; as Dana walks away, she gives Jeffrey a blurred-out middle finger. Jeffrey grits her teeth in anger, growling at Dana. She follows Dana step-for-step to the flag of Botswana. As Dana goes to pick the flag up... ...Jeffrey kicks her in the back of the right knee. Dana falls to her right knee, wincing in pain. Dana: What the hell? What the f--- was that for? Jeffrey: Next time, show some respect! Jeffrey spits at Dana and walks away. Dana pulls herself up by the flagpole and hops to put it next to the Mozambique flag. As she does, two security officers, armed with what appear to be tasers, begin to subdue Jeffrey. Jeffrey: Look what she f------ made me do! Officer: Jeffrey Masters, you have violated the rules of the Amazing Race by physically assaulting another player outside a pre-determined task. For this, you and your partner are disqualified, and we are taking you into custody. A quick pan to Bryan shows him throwing down the Chinese flag and storming to the scene where Jeffrey is being held. Bryan: What the hell did you do? Officer: She kicked another player in the back of the knee. I'm sorry, sir, but you are out of the Race. Bryan: This is bulls---! I didn't do a damn thing! A quick pan to Derek shows him bent over and laughing as Bryan berates the officers; Charlie and Derek have placed all flags up to Australia but, like Carrie and Dana, are using the Union Jack for Wales. Bryan: This is all your fault, #####. I never should have married you. You ruined my life, and now, you ruined my vacation! You'll pay for this! You-you'll pay! Bryan swings his right arm back. He aims directly for Jeffrey's nose. No security are within ten feet of him, and the two officers within range are subduing a violent, uncooperative Jeffrey. Bryan's arm connects with Jeffrey's cheek. Her face is knocked back, and she does not show any signs of bleeding. Two officers tackle Bryan, subduing him and tasing him in the back. One officer cuffs Bryan, and both he and Jeffrey are escorted off the scene. Bryan: Nice going, Jeffrey! Get this far and blow it because of whatever the hell some valley girl says! You really are a piece of work, Jeffrey! Jeffrey: Yeah, well, it's no picnic being married to you when all you care about is your f------ job! Try paying attention to your wife for a change next time! Bryan: Try being more attractive next time! Jeffrey: Try not being a violent assh---! Bryan: Try keeping us in the Race, #####! Jeffrey: Burn in hell and rot in jail! By the way, Bryan, I want a divorce! Bryan: Well, you got it, sister! Who the hell wants to be married to you anyway? Both Jeffrey and Bryan are taken away in separate security cars. A quick pan to Carrie and Dana shows that all flags are correct except for Wales; the same is true for Charlie and Derek. Dana is having trouble walking, so Carrie is looking through the flags. Carrie: She got you good, didn't she? Dana: I just hope it isn't a footrace to the end. Carrie: Relax, girl; it's probably right here. Dana: Do they use the Union Jack in Wales? I think that's the problem. Quick pan to Charlie and Derek. Derek: Wait a minute. What the hell's that flag? Zoom to the flag of Scotland. Charlie: That's Scotland. Don't make me second-guess that. Derek: Then what the hell's wrong? Charlie: Beats me. Derek: Wait. Isn't Port Lockroy a British territory? The guy who greeted us spoke with a British accent? Charlie: That's possible. Let me try it. Quick pan to Carrie and Dana. Carrie drops the Union Jack and replaces it with the flag of Wales. Student: Begin the next part. Dana uncovers a board with 16 spots; #1 is taken by "San Juan" and #16 by "Chicago." Carrie uncovers a larger board that is 12x12 and has several city, province, and locale names. Immediately, Carrie zooms in on Rio de Janeiro. Dana: That should be the second one...well, the third. Michigan's lucky. Carrie: Damn right. Quick pan to Charlie and Derek; the student shakes his head after they correct their flag display to include the Union Jack after Chile. Derek: Wait. Where did we go after Scotland? Cardiff? That's Welsh. Charlie: What the hell does the flag of Wales--of course. Damnit. I'm so dense. Quick pan to Carrie and Dana; in spot #4, Dana put "Edinburgh." The camera shows "Loch Leven" near the top right corner. Dana: Where did we go in Switzerland? Carrie: Not yet, Dana. We still need Wales. Is Cardiff close enough? Dana: I think so. Didn't we go somewhere more specific in Edinburgh? Carrie: We went to Edinburgh, then we went somewhere else, then we went back to Edinburgh. Dana: Whatever. We went to Montreux in Switzerland. Carrie: OK, good. Qick pan to Charlie and Derek shows them putting up the Welsh flag in the right spot; the student clears them to begin work on the next part. Derek uncovers the 12x12 board; immediately, he zooms in on Cape Soya. Derek: Which one was Cape Soya? Charlie: I don't know. Derek: That was three rounds ago...got it. Derek places Cape Soya in #13. Quick pan to Carrie and Dana; they have placed Cesky Krumlov and are looking for the next stop. Dana: We stayed in Maputo, right? Carrie: No, we left Maputo and went to Botswana. Remember that was where Derek got that trip for Danni. Dana: Nice going, taking that advantage out of Michigan's hands. Carrie: Do what you have to. Dana places Maputo; she then winces in pain. Dana: I know how you felt, Jim. The next spot is on the next row; Carrie immediately places Kgalagadi in it. Carrie: And if anyone ever misspells that in my class, I take off double points. Dana: She's tough but sweet. Carrie: Next up, Tel Aviv. Dana: How could we ever forget? Quick pan to Charlie and Derek shows them working backward; Port of Napier, Mount Dandenong, Cape Soya, and Hiroshima are all full, and Derek grabs Nanchang. Charlie: You made out with Carrie here, and here, and here. Derek: Don't forget Wales. Charlie: Danni's going to flip her lid. Derek: Relax, Dad; I wasn't the one doing the kissing. Charlie: I hope for your sake she sees it that way. Quick pan to Carrie and Dana shows Carrie placing Cape Soya; all but two are placed, but "Edinburgh" is still there. Carrie grabs Mount Dandenong; Dana grabs Auckland. However, before placing it, Dana puts it back; she takes Port of Napier instead. Carrie motions the student over. Student: No good. Carrie looks at him confused. Student: It's not right. Dana: Well, what the hell's wrong? Quick pan to Charlie and Derek shows all but four spots full. Charlie grabs Cardiff. Derek: Our first kiss. Charlie: And I suppose if Dana went for that, she would have done the same to me. Derek: Dana's a hell of a girl. I just wish she knew more about football. Charlie: Like you care. Besides, you root for the Lions. Derek: Don't remind me. Quick pan to Carrie and Dana; Dana combs the 12x12 board of place names. Dana: No, no, no good, no, won't work, did we even go there, no, wait - is Loch Leven like Loch Ness? Carrie: Is Loch Leven like the place we went to where Spike got naked and you flirted with her? Dana: That wasn't all we did, Carrie. Carrie: Do go on. Dana tears off "Edinburgh" and puts up "Loch Leven." The student hands Dana the clue. Dana: Travel by marked car to Meigs Field-- Cut to Phil standing in front of Meigs Field. Phil: Teams must now drive themselves up Lake Shore Drive to Meigs Field, a distance of six miles. It is here that they will receive their next, and final, clue. Cut to Carrie and Dana. Carrie: You OK, Dana? Dana: For a million bucks, I'll cut the damn thing off. Let's go. Carrie assists Dana to the car; Dana hobbles and tries to keep her balance. Carrie: I guess now isn't the best time to tell you that you've lost weight. Dana: I'm f------ doing Weight Watchers after this. Quick pan to Charlie and Derek; Derek has placed Edinburgh, Rio de Janeiro, and Santiago. Charlie: No, wait. We didn't stop in Edinburgh. Loch Leven was outside Edinburgh. See if there's a Loch Leven there. Derek: Like I can even find my own face if it's right in front of me. Charlie: Good point. I'll search. You check my work. Cut to Carrie and Dana, currently in first place; Dana leaps into the car, and Carrie gets in the driver's seat. Dana: Please don't get us killed. Carrie: Come on, girl. I'm fine. It's you I worry about. Dana: Eyes on the prize, Carrie. Cut to Charlie and Derek; the student shakes his head as he grades their work. Charlie: Wait. What the hell's wrong with it? Derek: Looks OK to me. Port of Napier, Mount Dandenong, Cape Soya, sure looks OK to me. We stopped in Hiroshima, right? Charlie: Oh yes. There's nothing else up there that looks Israeli, right? Derek: I checked. All they have is Jerusalem. I might be whacked-out from that bombing, but I'm not that whacked-out. Charlie: Wait. We didn't stop in Santiago, did we? Derek: No. We stopped in Port Lockroy. And I just said that a minute ago. Derek rips down Santiago; Charlie grabs Port Lockroy and puts it in. The student hands them their next clue. Charlie: Travel by marked car to Meigs Field. Derek: Let's go. We have a race to win. Cut to Meigs Field, Carrie and Dana, currently in first place, are navigating their way through traffic. Carrie: I just need to park the thing. Dana: Wait. There's a marked space there. Carrie pulls into the space. She throws open the door and runs to the clue; Dana follows, still in pain. Carrie: Make you way on foot to the Finish Line, Soldier Field-- Cut to Phil standing on the 50-yard line of Soldier Field, which appears empty. Phil: Teams must now make their way on foot one mile to the Finish Line, Soldier Field. They will be directed to enter through the North Gate and proceed through the marked path to the players' entrance, where they will proceed to the south end zone. The first team to cross the Finish Line will win one million dollars. Cut to Carrie and Dana. Dana: I can run a mile. For a million dollars, my fat ##### will run a marathon. Carrie and Dana take off; Dana lags behind but is trying to keep pace with the taller Carrie. The two run for a short distance, with the Meigs Field building in the distance, as Charlie and Derek pass them in their car. Dana: Damnit, Dana, pick up the pace! Come on, you fat #####, get those thunder thighs going! Carrie: Come on, girl, there's a big ice cream sundae with extra hot fudge waiting at the Finish Line! Dana: Throw in a pizza and a bucket of fried chicken! Carrie: And a bottomless Coke, baby! Dana: Damn right. Quick pan to Charlie and Derek. Charlie: Make your way on foot to the Finish Line, Soldier Field. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Charlie: We ran a hell of a race, and to end up in Chicago is special for me even if we don't win. Besides, I get to go on the playing field where my Chicago Bears play. Derek: Maybe you can throw a few passes. Charlie: Maybe the Lions would let you play quarterback. Derek: OK, Dad, you're killing me. Cut to the inside of Soldier Field; all eleven previously-eliminated teams are lining the path to the Finish Line mat, upon which Phil is perched. All twenty-two Racers are shouting and applauding; Jim is on crutches but is still applauding. The next pan is to the players entrance; as Carrie and Dana enter, carrying their backpacks and with Dana favoring her left leg, the background music changes and Queen's "We Are The Champions" is cued immediately to the lyrical portion. Music: I've paid my dues...time after time... Carrie and Dana enter the playing field, coming into the north end zone. Music: I did my sentence...but committed no crime... They enter the field of play, dashing to about the 5-yard line; all the yard lines are clearly marked. Music: And bad mistakes...I've made a few... Dana hobbles as Carrie drags her; both are appearing to show signs of exhaustion. Music: I've had my share of sand kicked in my face... At this point, Charlie and Derek emerge from the players' entrance and start to gain on Carrie and Dana. Music: But I've come through... As Charlie and Derek enter the field of play, Carrie and Dana appear to be ahead by between 25 and 30 yards. Music: It goes on and on and on and on... Charlie and Derek gain a couple of yards on Carrie and Dana, who appear to be sputtering. Music: We are the champions, my friends... Carrie and Dana pass the 50-yard line, running over the large Bears logo in the center of the field; Charlie and Derek are pas the 35, continuing to make up ground. Music: And we'll keep on fighting to the end... Carrie and Dana pass the Bears logo, getting to the 40, while Charlie and Derek pass the 50. Carrie appears to stumble but regains her balance. Music: We are the champions, we are the champions... Carrie and Dana maintain a lead of about seven yards as Derek sputters monetarily and Charlie loses his balance. Music: No time for losers... Carrie and Dana pass the 20 with Charlie and Derek on their heels at the 25. Music: 'Cause we are the champions... Carrie and Dana reach the 15 and sputter to the 10, seeming to run out of gas; Carrie has trouble getting her breath, and Dana is in excruciating pain. Charlie and Derek catch up to them and are within feet of catching them. Music: Of the world..................... Neck and neck, Carrie and Dana leap for the finish mat, which is laid out in the end zone; at the goal line, it begins. Derek grabs Charlie and pulls him forward. Both teams lunge for the goal, stretching out their arms and preparing to land on the mat. Dana sprawls out as Phil clears the way; her torso appears to land, but her legs are off the mat. Carrie is off the mat partially as well; Derek rolls toward the mat and lands on his feet on the mat. Dana pulls herself up, and Carrie grabs onto her; both women wriggle their way onto the mat; Derek drags Charlie onto the mat with him. From the angle, it is not clear who got their feet onto the mat first; it looked to be a tie. Dana pulls herself up with Carrie's assistance; Charlie picks himself up by holding onto Derek's arm. Phil: Fifteen countries... Dana struggles to catch her breath; Charlie dusts himself off. Phil: Seven continents... Carrie wraps her arms around an exhausted Dana; she, too, struggles to get her breath. Phil: Fifty-two thousand miles... Carrie puts her arm around a leaning Dana, who faces Phil in anticipation. Both Charlie and Derek stand at attention; Derek wrings his hands. The other teams are silent and standing patiently. Phil gives no apparent expressions as he looks over both teams. Neither Carrie nor Dana appears to have caught their breath; Charlie is still dusting off his arms and may have a few scrapes. Derek has not moved since standing up. Phil turns his head as if to speak. Phil: Carrie and Dana...you are the official winners of The Amazing Race: Expedition. Dana drops to her knees and covers her face, appearing to cry; Carrie drops to her knees and puts her arms around Dana. The other eleven teams crowd around the victorious team, including Charlie and Derek. Phil: You have finished the most brutal, challenging, and difficult season of the Amazing Race, you have outlasted thirteen other very strong teams, and you have rightfully earned the million-dollar grand prize. Congratulations from everyone here and from CBS; you deserve it. Phil turns his attention to Charlie and Derek, who are part of a large crowd. Phil: Charlie and Derek...you are a hard-fought second place. You are the only other team to finish, and you have earned everything you have won. I'm only sad that you can't both be the winners of this season, you certainly have earned it. Charlie: The girls played a hell of a Race, and we're proud to compete with them. Team confessional, Carrie and Dana. Dana: Going on the Race with Carrie was the best experience of my life. It proves that I'm not just some ditzy blonde who got into Stanford with big boobs and a prayer; I had to fight for everything here just like in life, and I can do it. And I can't thing of anyone I'd rather have done this with than Carrie, except maybe my girlfriend. Carrie: I picked Dana because she's a smart woman who was an asset to the team. She's the reason we won, and I'm proud to say I taught her. Dana: You're the greatest, Carrie. Carrie: Thank you for everything, Dana. Cut to Soldier Field; Phil has separated himself from the group and seems to be trying to get the Racers' attention. Phil: I have one more announcement. The teams start to quiet down. Phil: You may notice Jeffrey and Bryan aren't here. As the two finalist teams know, Jeffrey and Bryan were disqualified from the Race. The other eleven teams cheer and applaud loudly, even stomping their feet on the finish mat before Phil quiets them down. Phil: This means that, in addition to giving up their prize money, they are also giving up their prizes. If I recall correctly, they had won a seven-night stay in any Marriott in North America, a trip for two to Maui courtesy of Travelocity, and two 2009 Dodge Calibers. Carrie and Dana, as the winners of the Amazing Race, you may keep these prices or assign them to any team here. All we ask is that you decide here on the finish mat. A large huddle appears; Spike appears to be encouraging them to keep the trips while Bobby motions to himself. Carrie: We've reached a decision. Phil: Let's hear it. Carrie: We're giving all three prizes to Reggie and Dan. Phil: Reggie and Dan, you are now the owners of a seven-night stay in any Marriott in North America, a trip for two to Maui courtesy of Travelocity, and two 2009 Dodge Calibers. Dan: Not for long we're not. Reggie: Before we came here, we promised that any prizes we won were going up for auction for our charities. That's exactly what we're doing with these. Dan: Carrie, the Leukemia Research Foundation will be very happy with the chance to auction off those cars. Carrie plows through the crows and embraces Reggie; she reaches another arm out to wrap it around Dan. Carrie: Thank you guys. You are angels. Reggie: You would do the same for us. Dana: She would. I know she would. Team confessional, Reggie and Dan. Dan: We got four prizes for our charities and not just one. This is a dream come true. Reggie: The Redskins could go 0-16 this year and the Hogettes will still be thrilled with these gifts. Dan: Well, maybe not 0-16. Reggie: OK, maybe 1-15. Dan: OK, maybe. Cut to Soldier Field; both Reggie and Dan have on their pig noses, and the teams are all crowded around them cheering. Team confessional, Charlie and Derek. Derek: This was the trip of a lifetime for me. I made some friends for life, and I got to see the world with my dad. Everything was worth it, even nearly dying twice. Charlie: I love my son, and he'll always be number one to me. We didn't win, but we have a lot of wins ahead of us. Derek: That's right, because Michigan hockey's going all the way! Charlie: You know it. Cut to Soldier Field; Carrie, Dana, Charlie, Derek, Tina, Jim, Spike, and Jennifer are all on the finish mat surrounded by the other teams. A chant of "Solid Gold!" begins, having appeared to be started by Reggie and Dan; all teams, even the previously disinterested Bobby and Caroline, are shouting and cheering. Carrie tries to wipe the tears from her eyes as Spike and Tina do the same; even Derek seems to be fighting back tears. The chanting continues as the screen fades to the credits. Phil (voice-over): Join us Friday morning on the Early Show as Carrie and Dana receive their check for a million dollars. The screen fades to black.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:24 PM (EST) 8. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry Authored by: Michael Cameron, tryingtobeadad So it's finally come down to this - me, Zeke, and a gun. And a high-speed chase leading us into San Diego somewhere; as insane as it sounds, I've never actually been to San Diego. Come on now; California's a big state, and I never did business that far south. All I know is that I'm near the Mexican border; if Zeke crosses, he's free, and if he crosses with Tina, it's really bad. Yes, Mexico would extradite him to the U.S., but it's more of a case of "come get me first." I hadn't heard from Tina since she started her medical residency; we exchanged a few e-mails while she was in med school, but residency seems to be taking everything out of her. Sure, it should be a 40-hour-a-week position, or 48 at the most, but as was once said - in theory, there's no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there is. At least that's how I understand her situation; she could just have no use for me, and I guess I would understand. In college, she actually finished an e-mail to me with "Burn in hell, you heartless bastard. Your sworn enemy, Tina." This was the time to change all that. With my luck, I'll end up shooting Tina, although I'd sooner turn the gun on myself. I'm only even here because of a favor called into the LAPD; they called me the minute they heard Tina had been kidnapped - they didn't know it was Zeke, but I did; their theory, they told me, was that it was a crazed stalker fan. With the ratings the Race got, I wouldn't have been surprised but for what I heard about Zeke leaving Thailand. I guess he figured he had nothing to lose and came back for Tina. After chasing Zeke for two hours at top speed - that son-of-a-bitch can fly, and thank God I gassed up in L.A. - he swerved out of control, presumably because Tina finally decided to escape the vehicle. Most criminals aren't willing to kick out the window of a police car to escape; Tina, however, had full use of her feet and nothing else as an option, so that seemed to be what she did. It worked, and in a Christmas miracle, she survived unharmed and landed on her feet. The cuffs were still on her wrists, however. The police cruiser was about 150 feet from Tina, and he flashed his headlights at her, laughing maniacally. Ordinarily, I'd punch him in the face for that, but he had a police cruiser and was about ready to run over my daughter. Let's see...at 60 miles an hour, a car covers a distance of 5,280 feet in 60 seconds, or a rate of 88 feet per second. At 60 miles an hour, it reaches Tina in under two seconds, though if he accelerates to 60 miles an hour in that time, it takes...damnit, why wasn't I better at physics...I figured out later that it would take about 3.4 seconds if he can go from 0-60 in that time. Damnit, it's my one chance to stop him. Me, Zeke, and a gun. I'd shoot him in the head, but I'm not the best shot; instead of shooting at where he is, I have to shoot at where he's going to be - again, physics. I'm a damn businessman. Luckily, Zeke's a sport and seems to enjoy gloating, which gives me plenty of time to think of a plan - if you call about two seconds "plenty of time." Tina starts running, which may give her an extra half-second to live. I don't know how fast these cars accelerate, but we're about to find out. I aim my gun for just in front of his front tire. The tires start to spin; clearly, he's looking for a quick start. I think he's thinking one of two things - if he cripples Tina, she can't run away, or if he can't have her, no one can. I'm a little surprised he took her instead of Jim; most jealous men go after the other man. Going after Jim would be as much of a losing proposition, though; Jim carries a stun gun with him, and he's done so since getting out of the hospital for being shot. Ready, Michael. Aim. I fire. The car dashes forward. I hate to destroy police property like this, but it's their car or my daughter, and I choose my daughter. I have other bullets, but it's a revolver and I only have a few seconds. Either this lands or she dies. The tire explodes. The cruiser turns wildly to the left, missing Tina wildly; strangely, Zeke keeps driving on it, as if he's about to make it to Mexico on three tires. Maybe I should dash any hope he has. I lock and load again and aim for another tire - direct hit to his right rear tire. That thing isn't going anywhere. After another shot, he's down to one tire - and I'm down to two bullets; I only loaded it with five for some reason. By this time, Zeke's stopped, and the LAPD along with some of San Diego's finest have swarmed the stolen police cruiser. Zeke's on the ground with a boot on his head being cuffed...now can someone get my daughter some assistance? San Diego gets this scumbag for the night, or at least until he's sent upstate for a slew of charges - my guess is that he never sees the light of day again. The minute someone finds out that he's "the" Zeke, the one who molested Tina, he's dead - especially in L.A., home of Tina and Jim. For his own safety, he'll probably be kept in San Diego for a while, and after the whole Race euphoria blows over, he'll just be another child molester. One of the LAPD's finest is kind enough to free Tina - and from the looks of things, her hands are asleep. She smiles for the first time in a long time, and she actually walks up to me. This is it, I guess - the moment I've been waiting for. "That was really brave of you." No, just doing my duty as a dad. "I guess I was wrong about you after all. Thanks, Dad." Wait a minute - this must be a dream. I must have taken some really strong NyQuil last night. "Did-did you just call me--" "You suffered long enough. I just needed to know you cared, and I guess I never gave you the chance." I never got the chance. This was my first opportunity in 13 years - sure, I took her out of that school, chased Zeke out of the country, and helped her lose the weight, but that was what needed to be done. "I just want my dad back. It's been a long time." She opens up her arms and leaps forward - and into her arms I go. This coming from the same girl who freaked out over being randomly brushed against on accident a year ago. Now she's letting people in. I'm sad that it took living through a suicide bombing to bring out this from her, but I have my daughter back, and hopefully, life can be good again. "Tina, there's something I need to tell you, though." I've been holding back the last part of the story until the right moment. "I know you have a pretty low opinion of your mother, but--" "I know." Some resignation in her voice. "She was forced to be that way. Zeke was blackmailing her; we all do what we feel we have to." "It's not just that." If only it were that simple. "I did what I felt like I could for you - some small things. Help with homework, encouragement, a shoulder to cry on. I wasn't a risk-taker. I did what was safe, and I know I should have done better. Your mother, on the other hand, took risks. If you remember the time when Mom told that family counselor that you were making up the stories about Zeke molesting you..." Again, guess whose doing that was. "That appointment was only possible because your mother called the counselor in the first place. She was this close to blowing the lid off the whole case. But Zeke threatened that, if she spilled the beans, he would kill you. He had that threat going the whole time." He basically gave us a choice - she can be alive and he raped her, or she could be dead and he'd probably still rape her, the sick SOB. "We just didn't tell you because you were young and we didn't want to worry you with the idea that your uncle wanted to kill you." "So...does that mean he wants to kill me now?" Good question. I'd certainly want to know. "Probably." No point in lying now. "But he'll be far enough away and locked up in maximum security prison that he doesn't stand a chance of ever seeing the light of day again. He'll probably be killed or driven insane in prison. And to be honest, I can't think of a better person for it to happen to." Apparently, neither can she. She kisses me on the cheek and grabs my hand, leading me back to my car. "I want my dad to drive me home now." OK, wait. Changes like this don't happen overnight - and I know she knows it. "OK, I'm just trying the whole 'positive outlook' on for size. It's the holidays, and I'm mostly trying to confront my fear of contact and intimacy. But at least we're talking again. And since we have some catching up to do..." Wait. That look has never been on Tina's face in her life. "Is there anyone you're spending the holidays with? Anyone special?" "I'm taking her home right now." Oh, you mean like a girlfriend. Of course. "No. I'm still single. I don't think anyone could replace your mom. Besides, after what I did, I don't think too many women could look past that." Apparently, Tina thinks I should try it - if I fail and my past does me in, at least I'll know. Maybe I'll give it a shot. Hey, if she dated, so can I. "Now Tina, I never did meet Jim." He sounds like a nice enough guy. And he better be, if he wants to be with my daughter. Blog Entry Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshere I was halfway between the concert and transcribing everything I learned about this whole Mel Shankman situation - apparently, the minute he got in the police car, he sang like a canary. This person and that person are being paid to pull all kinds of stunts - and like his cousin, Mel isn't exactly a hands-on sort of evil genius. The first evidence of this was his choice of right-hand men - or rather, a woman. Melanie Pike was too perfect - for starters, her name could be shortened to Mel, so she seemed like an obvious candidate. Next up, her personality - the ideal mercenary, the kind of person who would sell her grandmother's internal organs for the right price. I should have known that when it was revealed that she and her husband, who, by all accounts, seem to have a solid marriage, don't live in the same house - all they do is talk on the phone and attend social functions together, and they seem to have gotten married for no other reason than tax benefits. All it is for her is money - and predictably, she's childless; heaven forbid if she did have a kid; they'd turn out distrustful like Jim. The connection with Bryan is a big bonus point - apparently, Bryan had all the plans and could execute them with his money from his hiding place; he hid his money in the Cayman Islands or someplace so the government couldn't freeze his assets. Bryan's divorce opened up a big can of worms - for starters, he embezzled all kinds of money out of his company's coffer. Paying his employees dirt wages, violating overtime laws, and cutting benefits weren't enough for his insatiable greed; he even dipped into his siblings' accounts to build his dream home. To top off labor law violations, spousal abuse, embezzlement, and all the charges he racked up while racing - he's the Race's answer to Richard Hatch, and according to Cousin Mel, Jeffrey was in on it, too. Her quote about the only things she has to so are pay her taxes and die? She doesn't seem fond of the first. I'm guessing she'll try to dodge the second, too. My recommendation? Stay off the cigarettes - her pack-a-day habit before the Race led to her downfall. No word on if she quit for good. Also, another bit of information I picked up from Mr. Shankman through some source somewhere. Apparently, Jeffrey is, in fact, her middle name - her mother's maiden name. Why did she choose it over her first? Under normal circumstances, her first name, Angela, doesn't seem so bad - but she was named after an aunt, one she grew to dislike. Throughout school, she was knows as A.J. to everyone - until college, when she decided it was "too masculine." Rather than switch to her first name, she chose her middle name "just to be different." I think she just needed to confuse some people. Bryan hasn't been captured, and neither has Jeffrey, or whatever she chooses to call herself. Melanie Pike's in custody, and she's just as chirpy as Shankman, from what I hear - did the words "reduced sentence" come up? But enough about the bad guys. Let's hear it for the good guys tonight, who gave a hell of a performance. Spike's song got a huge cheer, one heard from outside the building. And one fan in particular just had to get to the front of the crowd - one well-dressed man. The man approaches Spike and Skull, who are particularly interested in each other. Not that either one's interested in a man in a suit. "I'm glad you enjoyed the show, but her dad's dead too, so we're not falling for that routine." Fortunately, the man has a sense of humor - and a particularly interesting accent. "That's not why I'm here." Is it British? Australian? "My name's Grant Whitmore. I'm part of the staff for the band The Offspring." As in, the punk band? "We're looking for a local group to open for us on our next tour. We're wondering if you're interested." Damn right they're interested. "You got yourself a band." Skull seems to be doing to talking; after all, she's the manager. "Wait a minute. Grant, right?" He nods. "There's someone I'd like you to meet." Spike takes Grant through the crowd - straight to a bored Jennifer. Grant, Jennifer; Jennifer, Grant. I'm not sure if she did that as a favor to her friend or so she could go back into the back and play naughty games with her girl, but I think he made a friend and a discovery in one night. I step in for Skull and try to claim I represent the band - I do represent Spike, and she's one-fifth of the band - and the details are ironed out. Maybe the Racers can get tickets to the Seattle concert. It's a little difficult to get everything in a timely fashion, though; Grant really wants to talk to Jennifer, and Jennifer really wants to return the favor - after one little question for Spike. I go get her- she's less than pleased; never disturb a punk rocker dressed as a dominatrix - but she goes along with it. Turns out that Jennifer wanted to invite Spike over for Christmas dinner - Jennifer's parents seem to love pike now that she and their daughter are just friends. So after four exclusions from the holidays, Spike gets a big smile on her face and looks Jennifer in the eye. "No, thanks." No? A free turkey dinner, and you say no? "I always go to Blazer's. This year, I'm making the chicken wings, and we'll sit around and play music and talk about how bad the Seahawks are this year." That's my girl, all right. There's no convincing her; for her, Thanksgiving and Christmas mean chicken wings, music, and sports - and this year, lots and lots of Coke. She's stopped drinking completely for a while - "Coke tastes better," as she says. "You and Grant should go. I think you guys have a lot to talk about." Spike kisses Jennifer on the cheek and heads back to her private quarters - I can only guess what kind of contraption Spike got Skull into, but even she can get impatient. Hey, at least I have my girl back. Blog Entry Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking The anesthesia seems to be wearing off - Carrie's getting crankier, and about all I can do to comfort her is lots of ice water and a fan. I don't feel like it's hot in here; if anything, it's getting a little cold, so I decide to call in a nurse. It's probably a fever breaking or some kind of reaction to the anesthesia or whatever they gave her; hopefully, the lead's working itself out. Two nurses rush in; apparently, recovery is overstaffed or something, but it's not a moment too soon; she's chugging the water and almost has trouble swallowing it. She says something about her jaw hurting, and the next thing I know, she's being wheeled in a cart back to the ER, or that's what the nurses told me anyway. I didn't quite understand what the hell was going on. I try my best to keep up, but I end up taking the stairs to the ER while they wheel her into an elevator. Apparently, no one's really going down the elevators, so she's quick to the ER; she beats me there, and when I saw her, she was clutching her left forearm. I'm thinking it's a reaction to the lead in the bullet - damn you, Ronnie; you'll burn for this - or maybe she's allergic to the anesthesia - no, wait, that would have happened already - when I finally get an answer from an attending paramedic. "Your girlfriend's having a heart attack, sir." Great. Just what I need - either we're looking at brain damage or she'll be crippled, assuming it's severe. Then I sit there and ask myself how the hell I know the results of a severe heart attack when I couldn't even pick up on the signs - jaw pain, clutching her arm, and being really hot when no one else is? I chalked it up to drinking too fast, feeling the anesthesia wear off, and having a fever - should have known three conditions were far less likely than one. I'm such an idiot - I should have called the nurse in sooner. But she'll be OK. She's young, healthy, and in the best shape of her life. Physically, at least. "You can come in here if you want." An EMT is performing CPR on her - at least that's what it looks like. If you're putting your lips on my girl, you had better be doing it for a good reason. Another thing I got her to agree to was to end the open relationship - I never took part, and it killed me to see her with other men. I count it as a Christmas present more than anything, along with having her back. And to think all I got her was a watch and one of those newfangled Blu-Ray players - we don't even have a hi-def TV. She said she'd get one if she won. I hold onto her right hand - clutching it. Praying. "Dear God, please save this good woman. She saved my life. All I ask is for You to save hers. She's done nothing but give." I feel a tap on my shoulder as they ask me to let go of her hand - I comply and immediately hear the word "Clear." A dose of electricity that she needs and I clearly don't is running through Carrie's body. I pray even harder. I cross my fingers, toes - I bargain with God. Take me instead. That bullet was headed for me anyway. Those who believe in predestination might even think Carrie messed it up by taking that bullet. It would have missed me even if it hit her - she pushed me out of the way and it might have grazed my shoulder. I'd be wounded but alive. Another shock to Carrie's heart - have to restart it. Anything to bring my girl back to life. I'm sure she's technically dead by now, and if she is revived, she'll probably tell me all about visiting her father in heaven and even seeing her son, who adored her, from what I've been told, even when her bastard ex-husband constantly told him that Carrie hated him. It was as if he was the smartest one in the house. Maybe she'll even tell me Grandpa made it to heaven - and if she does, I'll spend all day Christmas in church and go religiously every Sunday. Or Saturday if my schedule demands it. The jolts seem to be stopping. I lost all concept of time at this point - if I hope hard enough, she'll live. Obviously "hope" only gets me so far - I'm alive, and Carrie made that possible - twice - but everything else I've done has been on my own. I hope I don't have to get used to that again. The next thing I hear is a jolt - for me. I'm snapped back into reality - time ticking, dying girlfriend, wondering what the hell will happen next...the voice is a firefighter's, at least judging by his uniform; it's a deep, almost baritone, voice coming from someone about my age who clearly is in a lot better shape than me. "Time of death, 7:50 pm." Time of death - wait, no. Give her some more jolts. She's not dead. Live, damn you! Bring her back to life! You have that ability - don't you? "I'm sorry for your loss, sir. We did everything we could." I don't answer him - I doubt he expects me to. I've read a bit about the five stages of grief - I think I've gotten "denial" out of the way and bounced straight into "bargaining." They do say that people switch stages and even skip some, often becoming stuck at some point - makes me wonder why the hell they put them in that order in the first place if they don't mean much. Not sure if I'll go into anger or depression next - I'm sure as hell not about ready to accept it. No way in hell - if I have to shove her soul into a just-dead person's body to keep her alive and make her re-learn who I am, I'll do it. I lost my first love to God-knows-what. She's probably in Arizona, having long since married that jerk she met at the University of Arizona and settled into a life of domestic servitude. I drove away two women after that, and then the last one was hardly girlfriend material. But I've never buried anyone this close to me. No one I was so sure I'd marry - and now I've lost all hope. I've pretty much skipped anger entirely and gone straight into depression - I don't remember the last time I cried before today, but at this rate, I'll be single-handedly turning the economy around by stimulating the tissue industry. More tissues means more money for other product development, which means more buying, more jobs, and I don't know where I'm going with this and it doesn't really matter. Unless I'm coming up with a new business idea or curing cancer or heart attacks, or curing death, I might as well forget it. The paramedics escort me to a private room, where I'm greeted by someone who introduces himself as Minister Jacobs. My mom and dad are there, and that rat bastard Uncle Larry showed up - the first thing he tells me, after the whole "I'm so sorry" drivel, is that Aunt Lillian still doesn't know what he did. But Mom and Dad know, and those missing teeth? Dad did that. I'd high-five him if I could stop crying. I bury my face in Mom's blouse - I feel like a six-year-old crying over a lost puppy at this point, but I don't know what else to do - and I wonder if, when Ronnie hears about this, he'll laugh in my face. That son of a bitch can rot in hell for all I care, and I'll be the first to make sure they up the charge from whatever it is right now to murder. He can get the entire Aryan Nations and every hate group and dig up Hitler's top lawyers for all I care to defend him; I'll make damn sure he never sees the light of day again. I think about going out and having a Vegas-style wedding right away just to piss him off, finding the blackest woman I know, if that is such a thing, and marrying her just to shove it in his face. I'll even wear a wedding dress with a flamingo hat. Hell, I'll tell him I'm staying home to take care of the kids while she goes to work at the United Negro College Fund. I guess I'm starting to see where anger comes into the grieving equation. Some people blame themselves or indirectly blame a loved one or ask why their cancer-ridden grandfather couldn't stop smoking. For me? Punching Uncle Larry in the face was merely a proxy for doing the same to Ronnie, a blow I'll never be lucky enough to deliver. And if he ever gets out, I'll kill him myself. Now I'm left with the burden of ruining Dana's Christmas. I should be the one to call, and once I can stop blubbering, I will. And then...Uncle Larry, count your teeth. I'm about to change that number, you low-life bastard. Blog Entry Authored by: Derek Forrest, bigblueclassof09 The final seconds of the Race tick down. Dana's still clutching her knee, Carrie passes off the trips, and we lose. We lose at the end by a hair - Phil told me that the margin of victory was nine-hundredths of a second, a record that probably will never be broken. Video replay showed that Dana got her right foot on the mat just a fraction of a second sooner than I did. It figures; I lose the big game again. Just my damn luck. I'm guessing the extra ad revenue was where they were able to get the money for the rights to Queen's "We Are the Champions" - a song I hope one day to have played for me. I'm guessing that will never happen; I see the look on Danni's face. She's none too pleased, and she shouldn't be pleased. I might as well just ride out this season with Michigan and then settle into a crappy life of toiling in anonymity when no one in hockey or linguistics hires me after what a jerk and a loser I've been. The last name Forrest will only get me so far; maybe desperation will get me $7 an hour to wash dishes and clean floors. It's probably going to be my best bet after the world sees this. Then I snap back into reality - I just described a worst-case scenario. Hell, I could be crushed by an asteroid, too. Realistically, I'll probably end up signing with some team as a free agent, playing in the minors as long as my health allows, and if I'm lucky, I can coach. I'll pick up Russian along the way to improve my ability to communicate. It's nothing glamorous, but it'll pay the bills and I can do what I love. All that would be missing is someone to share it with. I blew it with the woman I love more than hockey, and no one else would ever measure up. I'd rather be alone than with someone other than Danni. And at this rate, I will be. She slowly rises out of her seat; I see this as I put my head in my hands, wondering how I could have been such an idiot. Dad's not in the room, Paula's recovering, and I guess the kids haven't killed Lynn yet. All there is here is me and Danni. I can't tell if she's approaching me, but the footsteps are getting louder. "I need to talk to you, Derek." I grab a chair and invite her to take a seat. "Uh-uh. Privately. Come with me." Only in a hospital is a hallway more private than a patient room, and she finds one that's fairly secluded - a miracle on a night like this. I suppose I expected something like this to happen tonight, but more likely over the phone, ending with "Merry Christmas and a happy go to hell, jerk" and a hang-up on the other end of the phone. "What the hell were you thinking?" Fair question. Not sure how to answer. "I don't know, Danni. I just--I just tried to help Dana get Jeffrey to crumble. I didn't think it would end like that." For the record, as far as I know, there wasn't a penalty for looking at another team's progress on that task. I knew that. Jeffrey didn't. "That doesn't answer my question, hot shot." Great. Now I have to get grilled. Just tell me you never want to see me again and be done with it. "What the hell did you do on the show that made you think I'd hate you for it?" Say what? Were you watching the same show as me? I guess I should inhale first. "Because of me, Jeffrey kicked Dana in the back of the knee. Dana ended up in physical therapy for a month and a half and has over $1,000 in medical bills she can't afford to pay. Her girlfriend's parents are in a tight spot, too, and they couldn't help out. And her parents haven't spoken to her in eight months. She's screwed over because of me, Danni." "Go on." Go on. What the hell are you saying? I comply. "OK. Dana's knee will heal. You want to know what won't? Her damn credit score. And you know what else? Jeffrey and Bryan's marriage. That's right, they're divorced because of my mouth." Well, and Tina's mouth; the only difference is that Tina was right, and Jeffrey might have forgiven Bryan. "I open my mouth to Jeffrey. She kicks Dana in the knee. She gets disqualified, and Bryan hits her. Normally, they spend the night in jail and they're released, but Jeffrey demands a divorce." I seem to have her attention. I also seem to be running out of sanity. "The lawyers and judges uncover their financial records, and all of a sudden, Bryan's in big trouble. He's going to prison, probably, and Jeffrey is, too. Normally, I might laugh at their misfortune, but I think that's kind of a childish thing to do. Not to mention, they have three kids. What the hell happens to them? I made three orphans out of three well-taken-care-of kids." The head returns to its previous in-my-hands position. "You really see it that way?" What I don't understand is the apparent bewilderment on Danni's face. "Yes." My face rises enough to look her in the eyes. "I do see it that way. And I'm sure most other people do, too." Why is Danni grinning? "I don't see it that way at all." Her hand goes to my shoulder. "I can see maybe why you do, but I don't think you did anything wrong. Uncovering Bryan's law-breaking ways is admirable, not despicable. Besides, he comes from a big family, and he's sort of the black sheep. From what I heard about his family, they're mostly good people. His kids will get a fair shake if it comes to that." She scoots closer, her arm around me now. There's something very warm and familiar about it. "From what I was told, Bryan's looking at a long list of charges, not just here but overseas. The United Kingdom wants him on two counts of attempted murder, one for Spike's nose ring and the other for the mushroom. Here, he's being indicted on tax evasion, labor law violations, embezzlement, sexual harassment, and discriminatory hiring. Not to mention, he lied about past employees - he claimed they never worked for him and destroyed all evidence that they did. He did all this, Derek. You had nothing to do with it. And while we're on the subject of uncovering things..." Great. I can't imagine what this is. "I know all about what you and Carrie did while she was visiting you." Not what you want to hear out of your one true love's mouth. "It all came to fruition today. I know you haven't heard the news..." No, I really haven't paid attention. "Today in Tel Aviv, there was a massive raid. Six buses had Hamas members on them, and all of them were looking to blow up the buses. This was their biggest attack yet, according to the papers." So somehow a bunch of people on buses in Tel Aviv die and it's my fault? I'm really lost. "The Israeli army shot all six of them dead, Derek. Over three hundred lives were saved, and the tipping point was something you called in to them." OK, so I've developed an interest in counterterrorism. Surviving a terrorist attack will do that. "Derek, you're a--" "Don't even think about saying the next word." I'm not a hero. I'm a hockey player, a student, a linguist - the people who risked their lives to save other lives? Those are the heroes. And I'm sure Israel's going to tear apart the Gaza Strip or something after this hits the international headlines, but I certainly don't need any recognition. I picked up the phone, made a very expensive international call, and some things happened. "I'll say it all I want. And I'll shout it from the highest mountains. The man I love is a hero." Really. Who is this man? Did your ex do something great? Did he save kids from a burning building? I'm amazed an offensive lineman can move like that. I take out my cell phone. Might as well call Carrie; she worked just as hard on this as I did. "What are you doing, Derek?" What do you think I'm doing? "Look, I don't think that's such a good idea. You can't call Carrie right now." And why the hell not? "Look, Derek, I don't exactly know how to tell you this. I just found out from your dad." This can't be good. "Carrie was shot today in a race-based attack. Rex's cousin shot her in the shoulder, and she had to be taken to the ER." OK, that was easy enough. What's so hard about that? Shoulder injuries aren't exactly fatal. "While she was recovering..." She's pausing. She's even choking up. Damnit, not this. Not now. "She went into cardiac arrest." For people like me who don't speak medical, that's a heart attack, or as I call it, "really bad news." Especially when Danni, who's never met Carrie and never seemed to like her, from what I could see, is starting to cry. "She died in the emergency room, Derek." So this is how I find out. I go to call her, and Danni tells me everything - unless she's just telling me this because she thinks I slept with Carrie and that I'm in love with her. I'm not. And I didn't. "I wish I could tell you better news. I know you loved her." Yes. I loved her. But it was more like Princess Leia's love for Luke Skywalker - after surviving a near-death experience with someone, you develop some strong feelings. If we weren't already in relationships, I'd probably be dating her now, yes. Really, the only thing she didn't have that Danni did was my undying love for the past three years. But I'd be settling - I'd drive a Porsche because they discontinued the Ferrari I really wanted and the last one was sold off for scrap. "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm really sorry." Not easy to tell a crying man - the fact that I probably look ridiculous right now doesn't exactly hold back the tears. I'm huge beast of a man with something of a Grizzly Adams beard, I just delivered my little sister, and I lived through a suicide bombing. Why the hell am I crying? "Look, if it makes you feel any better, your new sister's doing great. She can come home New Year's Eve. They're going out to buy her new clothes this week." Lovely. I was never much for shopping for frilly pink dresses. Then another voice chimes in. "Derek, I told Danni everything. I don't know if I can ever tell you how sorry I am that this happened." Thanks a lot, Dad. No, really, from the bottom of my heart. One day I'll be able to accept it a little more. "I know I was closer to Dana, and she was the one who told me, but Carrie was an incredible woman. I really regret seeing her pass on, but I think she'll always live on in your little sister. You can come see her in the nursery anytime; look for Danielle Lynn Forrest." Wait a minute - Danielle? I know a Danielle. Not one who actually uses her full name, but nonetheless... "I'm surprised. You heard about this before she was born and you didn't name her Carrie?" "We thought about it." But you didn't. If she's going to live on, don't you think she should have the same name? "We decided not to." Doesn't tell me much. "But when you and Danni have a little girl, you should." Pure confused and misdirect rage now. "What the hell makes you think we're--" "Save it." Only one person in the world can tell me to save it. And he just did. "I know you love Danni. And damnit, after all she'd one for you, the least you owe her is an apology and a promise to treat her like royalty for the rest of your life. And Danni, after having Derek arrested, the least you owe him is a chance. By the way..." This is usually not good. "Phil called Dana. Her medical bills are paid. Legally, they're not liable for anything related to the suicide bombing, but when they cast a loose cannon like Jeffrey, they decided to take care of the rest of the cast in any way necessary. Besides, they still came out ahead; they saved $35,000 on the third-place prize money, and they only handed over about $1,300 in bills. I know you were upset about Dana's knee. She's fine, and she told me that she's lost over 50 pounds since the Race." Good to know. I take it she's telling everyone. "I'll let the two of you be. Come see me whenever you're ready to se little Danielle." I'm still a little floored. Apparently, so is Danni. "I'm really honored that your dad named your sister after me. I guess I have a lot to live up to. And I guess..." "Look, Danni." Might as well say it now. "Not tonight. A million things have happened - most of them good, but one was extremely tragic. All I'll remember about the good things was only being able to think about Carrie's death. I want to be with you." But. And there's always a but. "But not on a night like this. I need to figure some things out." "I understand." And when she says that, she's usually telling the truth. "I appreciate your honesty. I've always admired that about you. I'll tell you what." The arm goes a little tighter around me. I haven't yet returned the favor - I'd love to, but I'm not ready. "Just don't keep me waiting for too long, and I'm all yours." Fair enough. "Also, one more thing - your dad told me that your next home games have been moved." We have a two-game series here in Ann Arbor against Ohio State on the 9th and 10th of January. I can't imagine where they were moved to - Columbus? Toledo? Mars? "They're moving the games to Michigan Stadium. They're anticipating a sellout and a waiting list even with over 100,000 seats. This is a huge deal, Derek. I'll be there. You bet your life I'll be there. And I hope you'll take me back that night." I'll definitely have it on my mind. She leans over and kisses me on the cheek. I faintly crack a smile. "Now come on. Let's go see your little sister." Assuming that Paula's kids haven't killed someone, I'm in. I need a distraction.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-24-09, 01:30 PM (EST) 9. "The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Blog Entry, 1/13/2009 Authored by: Derek Forrest, bigblueclassof09 Still not entirely sure I have myself back together - two weeks spent on about four hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky will do that. It's a bit of a weird feeling - thinking I can have it all and then knowing that I'll never attain it, feeling alone but like people are there for me, and being insanely busy but unprepared at the same time. I'm used to being busy - taking a full load of college classes and playing hockey will do that; throw in a girlfriend I can't stop thinking about, and my mind is pretty much running at full capacity 24/7. But for the past week, if there was a way to make it run more than full capacity for longer than 24/7, it might have managed. I couldn't get to sleep Christmas Eve - Dana knew about Carrie's death, so I decided that she didn't need to ruin the West Coast's Christmas. I'd do a perfectly good job of that. I got Spike's cell number and called her, and she was as upset as I was; I was on the phone with her for about an hour and a half before she let me call Tina - by that time, it was about 5 AM here in Michigan, and I could sense the young ones getting restless. I actually woke Jim up and told him the bad news - ruined his Christmas, especially since that asshole who assaulted Tina all those years was finally put in lock-up with a life sentence all but guaranteed. By the time I got off the phone, it was about 6:30 and I hadn't slept a wink - Christmas should be a nice, leisurely day, but I was catching a flight this evening to New York for the Early Show. Apparently Howard was telling the truth when he said Danni's family was coming - her dad was here and her brother Drew, who always gave me the impression he didn't like me, showed up. I almost decided to refuse all Christmas presents in exchange for the Lions beating Green Bay in their season finale - maybe I should have. It's cool, though; Paula loved the diamond earrings, and the kids loved the Nintendo Wii, which I got on pure insanity in October. I was even kind enough to throw in four remotes - and Danni's scary-good at Wii Boxing. I kind of guessed it from her bedroom persona, but she made me look like I'd never fought anyone in my life. I figured out her secret - I was standing too high. So I crouched down and fought her again. The result? I went down like the stock market. Danni told me she was heading back to Kansas on Saturday and wouldn't be in attendance at the funeral, but she did send a nice arrangement and a sympathy card to Carrie's mom, who, when I met her in New York, instantly became my answer to the question "How did Carrie keep up her good looks at age 37?" The answer? Good genetics - her mom's beautiful. Her father was an extremely lucky man. The first thing Georgia, Carrie's mom, did when we started filming was offer everyone a brownie - she baked them Christmas Eve and was keeping them for Carrie to enjoy. I did feel a bit bad eating brownies intended for my Race sister, but Georgia assured me Carrie would have wanted that - in between fits of crying and saddened rage, if there is such a thing. She and Rex sobbed their way through the interview; poor Meredith Vieira didn't know what to do with herself. Dana couldn't stop crying, either, and Dad's shoulder worked best for her, so here I was answering most of Meredith's questions. Rex told me how he blames himself - apparently he figured out that his cousin's wife cheated and had a baby with another man...something about eye color that might make sense if I paid attention in science class...and Ronnie, the racist SOB, pulled a gun and shot at Rex - Carrie pushed him out of the way and took the bullet on accident. Simple, cold-hearted deduction would say it's Carrie's own fault. Anyone who knows Carrie would tell you she couldn't imagine doing anything else - after all, she told me everything in the world about suicide bombings before Tel Aviv, and she and Spike saved my life from that pepper. Fortunately, I'm the least religious one there, and even I could say Carrie went straight to heaven - and will never have another hypoglycemic seizure again. CBS was kind enough to arrange a charter flight for the five of us to Oakland, where Carrie's funeral was set up on the 26th. A bit of short notice, especially for those students who traveled for the holidays, but it meant a boom for the local florists - the funeral director estimated the total value of the floral arrangements sent at over $20,000. Once her body is examined for the investigation, it will be returned to Oakland, and she'll be buried next to her son, with whom she's probably reconnecting - for the first time without her bastard ex. I guess I understand why she always said Rex was good to her - well, he was, from what she said. The charter is nice - leather, reclining seats, constant drink service (coffee, please; I slept from Detroit to JFK and woke up with a sore back, and I had another flashback at the hotel.) Sadly, I'm spending more time in the air than I did during the Race, and it's all domestic. At least the service is good; CBS took pretty good care of us, and Meredith even said privately that she's arranging for the surviving players who were in the bombing to receive free counseling for two years - apparently we get a total of 40 appointments, all on CBS' tab. Hey, they're still coming out ahead, I'm sure, considering I doubt Spike will use hers, and Tina's getting hers out of her bastard uncle's savings. Rex's question seems to be, "How am I going to get my car out of Muncie?" Hello, dude - you just got a $250,000 windfall, which he'll be quick to point out is something like $150,000 after taxes. He also gets the free trips Carrie and Dana won, though they agreed to give those to Reggie and Dan for auction - damnit, don't make me give up my Alaska trip; that's Danni's birthday present. Which we'll be using on her birthday this year. And I've got to find something even bigger to get her for this birthday. I could always propose. Dad agrees to give up his share of the money we got for winning the first leg - and though I don't get my first big check until I go pro, assuming I get drafted, I give up mine. It works out to about $33,000 or so, and we decide to start a scholarship fund in Carrie's honor. It was kind of Spike's idea - the scholarship is for musicians. Spike said she wants people to have the opportunities she didn't - she would have loved to go to college and experience what other kids did, but the whole "homeless to Harvard" thing happened maybe once in human history. Everyone from the Race turned out for the funeral except Bobby and Caroline, and of course Jeffrey and Bryan. Alexis and Spike were having their own little two-girl party - figures; they've practically become best friends. Alexis even cut her hair, but the blonde stayed put. Spike has a Mohawk now - dyed blonde. Dana's definitely lost weight and kept it off - her girlfriend's constantly saying how jealous she is. And who's this gentleman with Jennifer? And why does he sound Australian? Turns out he's a New Zealander, as I compare his accent to Phil's. I'm guessing it's the only time I'll ever see Phil in a suit. Even Jeff Probst turned out - he said Carrie and I were two of his favorite non-playing characters, right up there with Maria's girlfriend and his personal favorite - Fairplay's friend Thunder Dan. Not sure if he was joking when he said that. He kind of knew that my making out with Carrie on camera was a joke, and we were just trying to forget about the bombing and the pepper - but she used about a gallon of Scope to get that pepper out of her mouth just so I could kiss her. Don't get me wrong; she was a very attractive woman...it's even hard to keep my eyes off her mom, and Dana definitely can't...but I'd rather have been kissing Danni. I begged her to go on the show with me. I wonder if she would have hit her knee the way Dad did - and if not, would one of us have died? Would Carrie or Spike have made it? Carrie's body isn't at the funeral. It's in Indiana being examined - it looks like an open-and-shut case. Ronnie fired the gun, Carrie died. Second-degree murder it is. Apparently the defense will involve the fact that Carrie jumped in front of the bullet, and in a press release, the Aryan Brotherhood's top assholes will try to get it ruled a suicide. Not happening, folks - that bullet was aimed for Rex, another reason he blames himself for Carrie's death. He of all people should know that we make our own choices in life. Carrie gave. That's all she did. She taught high school when she could have easily made more money in a profession using her body. She put up with a jerk husband and let him stay home and cheat on her. She gave her bone marrow - one of Georgia's favorite stories. Apparently, they couldn't find a match for Rex in the bone marrow they had and they were going to look around the nation - and the world. Carrie's solution? "Test me." The doctors looked at her like she just landed from Mars - apparently the chances of Carrie being a match for Rex are almost nil, since they're not the same race. Georgia was probably paraphrasing a bit, but her retort to the doctors? "You can do one of two things. Either you test me, and if I'm a match, you save my boyfriend's life, and if I'm not, you tried. Or you can refuse the test and find out later I'm a match, and then I wind up owning this hospital and making sure you never work in another hospital as a janitor, let alone a doctor. Do I make myself clear?" The doctors made the right call - in a total miracle, Carrie was a match, and Rex's life was saved. And every time those doctors came near her, she gave them a death-stare - and they did exactly what she told them. Heaven forbid that a bunch of doctors in the San Francisco area actually have to be nice to a black woman. As they pack up the service, which was attended by about a thousand well-wishers, Dana hands me an envelope - inside is a plane ticket. Apparently I depart the next day for Tel Aviv, Israel, where they're going to honor me for helping to blow open the bombing plot by Hamas. They had another ticket for Carrie, but she won't be using it, sadly. They're nice enough to fly me out first-class - at least from here to Amsterdam; they bumped me to coach for the rest of the flight. Dana tells me, "I figured you'd take the news better if an attractive blonde gave it to you." Clearly mascara was a bad choice for Dana; it's run all over her face. I think I even got some on my face when she kissed my cheek. I've been kissed a lot today. From the look of Rex's cheeks, so has he; the color on his right cheek is Tasha's own personal favorite - apparently, the two of them made up pretty quickly. Georgia lets me crash at her place, a mid-sized apartment with an extra-long couch that I take an immediate liking to. I promise her I would try to have as few flashbacks as possible and not wake her up or anything - of course, having a firefighter for a husband, she got used to it. She told me about how he made Carrie promise she'd stop stripping after she finished college - the one thing her husband couldn't stop her from doing. Georgia's husband was pretty much a saint - she tells me that all the men she knows are either fantastic or worthless. She bagged a good one - Carrie never had any such luck. "Until Rex, that is." The kick-save wasn't necessary, Georgia - he's crashing at Dana's. I actually slept really well that night, and Georgia made pancakes - now if only I can find a way to burn them off on the plane. It's a direct flight from San Francisco to Amsterdam, and then we change planes in Tel Aviv. I'll be there on the 29th in time for the ceremony, and I'll get to sample some local cuisine - not sure what Israelis eat, but I know it doesn't include pork; I snacked on cashews while I was there and ate at Subway during the Pit Stop. About all the Israeli culture I got exposed to was heroism. The flight was insanely long to Amsterdam - and even if I am a free man for the next couple of weeks, I didn't partake in any of the local recreation. Two Dutch ladies hit on me, as did a really well-built man - sorry, dude; you might have better luck with some of the other guys on campus. Same for you two ladies - Howard, meet these two beautiful Dutch women. I got a bit of a layover, during which time I could go for a run and even shower off - sort of. The airport definition of "freshening up" doesn't always work well for a 6'6" jock. Fortunately, I can go without shaving - one of the luxuries of having a beard. Next up - touchdown in Tel Aviv. Pass off the glory to the six people who shot the suicide bombers - four men and two women, from what I heard - and eat lunch, and then I'm off to my next great adventure. The flight home goes through Frankfurt and then lands at Ronald Reagan International - I'm spending New Year's Eve in D.C. I'm also seeing my face plastered on anti-Israeli propaganda - angry Hamas supporters are burning figures of me in effigy. At the same time, Michigan merchandise has become very popular in Tel Aviv - always good to have supporters. I wonder how long before I get my face on a Wheaties box - hell, I'd settle for a NutriGrain bar. Whatever gets people more interested in the world around them. I get going pretty quickly - nothing too special except for a few thousand people cheering for me; like I said, it's always good to have supporters - and it's off to Washington. This time, they have me in a Hyatt room all to myself - not sure if I have to tell the check-in clerk I have PTSD and might go a little nuts in the middle of the night. Fortunately, the 30th was flashback-free - and a relief after sleeping on a plane two nights in a row, or whatever time it was that encompassed my however-many-thousand-mile trek from Ann Arbor to NYC to San Francisco to Tel Aviv to Washington, D.C. The trips won by Carrie and Dana were auctioned off separately - netted a grand total of $31,000. I keep hearing about how bad the economy is - but these people have money and want to spend. Reggie and Dan's trip to Vancouver Island goes for $5,300. The seven-night stay in any Marriott? Got only $300, but the Maui trip earned $3,000, and the cars were sold off separately. Four really competitive buyers squeezed $55,301 out of those cars - one for $29,500 and the other for $25,801. The original bid was $25,800, and one person beat it by a dollar and a death stare. The others folded. I would have bid $25,802 if I had it and needed a Dodge Caliber - the blue would be perfect on campus. The red goes with a local buyer, a Redskins fan. That $55,301 goes to the Leukemia Research Foundation, and from the looks of things, Rex couldn't be happier. He also appears to be one of the few Race loved ones here - again, no Jeffrey, no Bryan, and no Bobby, but Caroline stopped in and bid on a pair of bicycles. She lost, but the winners paid $250. Alexis walked out with a police jacket, and Spike bid on a vintage Seahawks jersey - and won. The auction shut down at about 11, and the champagne was brought out for the midnight toast - I'm missing someone to share it with, it seems, and so is Rex. Problem solved, except we're both straight - Georgia joins Rex for the midnight toast, and Alexis has her eye on me - and about three other guys. Carrie told me how strong-willed females always prefer guys who are equally strong-willed - it's why Paula was attracted to Dad and why Alexis says she's attracted to me. Unfortunately for her, Dan interjects. "Derek, we have a surprise for you." Alexis is a little perturbed - until a kick boxer shows up and starts dancing with her - but I'm not sure what the hell's happening. Unless...there's no possible way... "Danni?" What the hell is she doing here? Not waiting until midnight; that's for sure - she kisses me right on the lips and nearly tackles me. I was going to wait until after next weekend's games, but Dan told me that he wanted this to be perfect. He distracts Danni for a minute, and Reggie hands me something I'd bought a couple of months back - Paula remembered where I put it. I didn't. First thing's first at this point - I have no intention of proposing to Danni here and now. Not after I completely shattered her heart four weeks ago - I want time to rekindle our relationship. She understands - being proposed to in front of several thousand half-drunk revelers isn't her idea of romance either, so I go ahead with my gift to her - a diamond tennis bracelet. Call it a bit of a late Christmas present or a really late birthday present; call it what you will - she's thrilled. We kiss at midnight and tell Reggie we're officially back together - his advice is, of course, to be safe. I'm not ready to be a dad yet - I'm still getting used to being a half-brother. Besides, Danni and I have been exclusive to each other, so long as you don't count Carrie cramming her tongue in my mouth - I half expect Danni to show me a new tongue piercing. Alas, no such luck. Danni and I hop a plane to Detroit the next day, and the good news of the day is that little Danielle got to come home yesterday. I finally get to see her outside the hospital - she's an absolute doll. She really takes to Danni, but she's a bit frightened of me at first. I gladly tell Dad that Danielle will be seeing a lot more of both of us. Paula tells me that she's thrilled that I made the right choice. Dad tells me that Danni's a great woman - he knows firsthand. Lynn doesn't even give a second thought to her comment - "The guest bedroom's free for now; go nuts." We do. The next week's relatively uneventful - Danni heads back to Kansas, I couldn't be happier, and I need to train for the upcoming series with Ohio State. I played like crap against them the weekend after Danni and I broke up, and I think it was the fact that I just wasn't in the game. Plus, their goaltender's a punk. But he's good. He's damn good. The weather forecast for the game is pretty typical of Michigan in January - we're looking at about 15 degrees for game time Friday evening and high-20s for the game Saturday afternoon. We're playing at night Friday. In the freezing cold. At least Dad, Paula, and Danni turned out - the kids are at home with Lynn. Jacob could have come if he hadn't propositioned Danni - right in front of me. He's lucky I didn't body-check him; talking about my girlfriend's best features right in front of her 6'6" boyfriend is a bad idea. Paula decided he was grounded, which is more mercy than I would have shown the little turd. The puck drops at 7:30 sharp - or rather, closer to 7:40. Damn it's cold out - but I don't notice after a while. What I wouldn't give not to be a backup goaltender on a night like this - Coach Thomas suggested a platoon system, but that was scrapped pretty quickly because we need every bit of time we can get out of Price. It's zero-zero - for a long damn time. The first period passes - no score. We get in maybe seven shots on goal; Ohio State gets in five. I warm my hands up on the stove in the locker room; most of the rest of the team does the same. It's really hard to go back out on the ice after warming up, but we all do it, and by the middle of the second, we forget how cold it is - right up to the point where we get slammed into the boards. That's as much of a reminder as anyone needs. About two minutes are left in the second, and I get a breakaway. I have the puck pretty much to myself up ice; the only attempt to steal it is made into a pathetic attempt at nothing, and a two-on-one ensues - me, Howard, some piddling defenseman, and Pat king, the bane of our existence, in net for the Buckeyes. I one-time the shot to Howard. Perfect wrister headed for the top shelf. Damned if King didn't glove it. We go into the locker room tied at nothing apiece. About a hundred thousand Michigan fans turned out for this game. Throw in about ten thousand Buckeye fans and some people who just never miss a hockey game, and that's about 110,000-plus people who don't want the game to end in a tie. I remember debating Carrie about the shootout rule in the NHL - I'm starting to see its merit. I'm really starting to see its merit in the third - continued stalemate up to about the halfway point. Brewer gets called for tripping, and the next thing I know, Baldelli, our enforcer, gets called for a BS elbowing penalty - five minutes in the box. So now we're down two guys for a full two minutes. Price stands on his head making saves for that entire time; I don't see the ice - Howard does, and he gets a couple of nice clears. We kill the two-man advantage going away, and we almost put one in down five-on-four thanks to Brewer's good passing. But we end up going into overtime tied zero-zero, as expected. Sixty minutes didn't produce a goal; we have five minutes to do it or we send six figures of fans home disappointed - I wonder how many come back tomorrow. Probably a lot, at least among those who won't be treated for frostbite. Ohio State wins the opening draw, and it's stuck in our end. We can't get a clear on it, and Price is running out of gas. He sloppily knocks away a shot, giving it back to Ohio State. Next thing you know, he's out of position - wide-open net. Shot on et. Surefire goal. Johnson dives in front of the net in what appears to be a futile effort. At least it's a puck he's deflecting and not a bullet; the worst thing that can happen is a really sore ribcage. And that looks like what we're looking at, as Johnson knocks the shot away and the collective Michigan fandom exhales collectively. Finally, we get a clear. After playing nearly all of the overtime period in our end, we finally have something going, thanks to the refs waiving off an icing call. King covers the puck with a minute and change remaining, and we have a face-off to his left, our right. The coach's orders are simple - "Hanson Brothers, I want you out there." Will do, Coach. Give us our big, thick glasses and some old-time hockey spirit and we'll make you proud. Or try to, anyway. Howard wins the draw; the puck goes back to Richards. Right away, he rips a blast toward the net, right along the surface of the ice. It has a chance to beat him five-hole - but as usual, King gloves it. In true Pat King style, he raises his glove above his head in a Statue of Liberty move. The refs are usually quick to blow the whistle - but before they get the opportunity not to... He doesn't have the puck. Damnit, he doesn't have the puck. It went through King's legs, and it's behind him. I'm not sure if he realizes this - but I do. I lift my arms over his head, slide my stick flat along the ice, and tip the puck in. The lamp lights, and the game is over. One-nothing, and the King is dead before he even realizes it. Hey, wait - why is that red light on? I got the--damnit, no, I didn't. At least that's what I think he thought. There's something about an entire stadium full of people chanting your name that's really special. There's something about being the hero of the game that's even better. And there's something even more special about being carried off the ice by your teammates - all 256 pounds of me, plus equipment. Good thing they've been training. In hockey, they announce the "three stars" of the game at the end of each game - in this case, all three came from Michigan. Richards got the third star for his near-miss on the last shot. Price got the second star for his outstanding goaltending. I almost wished he had gotten the first star and I had gotten the second - Price was on fire all night, and all I did was look with my eyes open. But the crowd has spoken, and when the coaches give me special recognition in the locker room, I deflect it as best I can. Danni's crashing with me again, although sleep's about the last thing on our minds at this point. Howard, predictably, brought home a girl, and Johnson crashed with Bridget, but we all have to be up semi-early for the 2:30 game the next day - played in actual daylight. It's about 28 outside at the time of the puck dropping. Ohio State gets the first shot of the game off - Price turns it away, making it the 32nd save he's made this weekend. We get it cleared out of the zone, and Johnson has a one-on-one with a defender, and he sends it right at King - and it goes between his legs. just like that, we're up 1-0, not even a minute into the game. We took over 64 minutes to put one past King last night, and he folds like a house of cards just 55 seconds into today's game. Ohio State pins us for a few minutes after that, somehow thinking they're getting one past Price, but he's electric - one save after another, and I like to think he's being aided by some pretty good defense. We make a line change, sending me out on the ice with Howard, and I get the puck. I send a nifty little wrister to a wide-open Howard, and he dekes twice, nearly separating King from his pads, and it's 2-0 Michigan like that on just two shots. We take it easy on King the rest of the period, and despite being out-shot 13-5, we're winning. I'm not sure if we should pour it on or just go for the kill and coast, but we're coming out in full force in the second period; I know this. And that's exactly what we do; I get my first goal of the game almost right away off the opening face-off. King doesn't know what hit him, and before he does, we're up 4-0, and then even our checking line (and I don't mean my line) gets in a goal, going up 5-0. A few minutes pass, and the Hanson Brothers head back out onto the ice in a line change. Some sloppy passing on our part gives Ohio State and opportunity, and some sloppy shooting on their part causes them not to hit the net or even come close. So now we have the puck back, and Johnson flicks it to me. Despite two Ohio State defenders having a shot at it, neither steals the puck, and I'm all alone with King. Deke, deke, score. King doesn't look pleased - he thinks Howard should have been called for holding, but maybe if he had spent more time watching the puck and not a phantom holding call, he might have made the save. Then I look back - Howard's headed off to the penalty box. Not sure why until Johnson skates up to me and snickers, "The refs don't like it when you call the opposing goalie a punk-ass bitch." I thought maybe they'd make an exception when Howard was so obviously telling the truth. Naturally, we have to kill a penalty, but it's no trouble; Ohio State couldn't score in a soccer net right now, and with about 45 seconds left in the penalty, Johnson and I are back on the ice. This one goes pretty much the same as the last one - Johnson to Forrest, wide open, deke, deke, score. We're up 7-0, and we finally chased pat King from the net. I see him skate off as if he's all but given up - coughing up seven goals on just 13 shots will do that to one's poor, fragile ego. Fans toss their hats onto the ice - I'm guessing we'll have a few thousand fans with really cold ears here before too long. I blow Danni a kiss - she's a few rows back behind the penalty boxes. Finally, one more thing I forgot to do - send my love skyward. I know Carrie's watching. All I can hope for is that she sees how well I'm doing, and it brings a smile to her face, no matter how sappy that sounds. I point skyward. "That's for you, Carrie!" I think a few fans up close heard it - the cheers get louder, if only to stay warm. I tip my visor to a few fans in the front rows, who are pounding vigorously on the glass. It's the greatest feeling in the world to be loved. Then it all comes crashing down on me - like someone just cross-checked me in the back. And as my face and chest hit the glass, I realize pretty quickly that that's about what happened. The voices around me start to get distorted, and I'm about as close to seeing stars as I've ever been - I find out pretty quickly that you don't see a cartoonish aberration of whatever just clocked you as you try to recover. The only voice I hear up close is "Send that to your dead girlfriend, you cheap bastard!" Before I can get out a retort of, "Damnit, she's not my girlfriend!" my thought is interrupted by a loud chorus of boos and the fact that I really shouldn't be speaking at this point. I just went down like a ton of bricks, and soon enough, the training staff's at my side. Always good to have supporters, it is. As the offending player skates away, about ready to be escorted off the ice by the referees, the next voice I hear is a familiar one, something of a less-distorted teammate voice. "Don't start what you can't finish, asshole!" The boos turn to cheers quickly, and as I'm carried off the ice, I realize that Howard left the penalty box to beat the hell out of that goon - Joel Biederman, the scourge of collegiate hockey. And to think, the bastard turtled, and Howard knocked him into next week. Now the entire crowd is cheering Howard's name, and when Biederman's hauled off the ice, the crowd resumes their chant from King's departure - "Na Na Naaaa Naaaa...Na Na Naaaa Naaaa...Hey Hey...Goodbye!" Come to think of it, maybe when Jeffrey and Bryan were being hauled away, Dana and I should have broken that out - if only I'd known the public would love seeing that. Howard's ejected, and so is Biederman, and I'm carried back to the locker room, still unable to pass the "How many fingers am I holding up?" test. I get the "Who's the President?" question right along with "What's my dad's middle name?" Michael, same as mine. Doctors keep me in the locker room until the end of the second period, but I'm lucky enough to get a visitor. Danni argued and fought with security to get back into the locker room - one non-Race fan denied her access, seeming to be indifferent to her plea of "Damnit, I'm Danni!" The other officer, puzzled, asks, "Danni, like, the Danni?" No, her grandmother's cousin - of course she's the Danni. And that's exactly what she told him - and he took her back to see me. Damn, she was sight for sore eyes, and that wasn't the only thing above my neck that was sore. But my eyes were working well enough to look at her - still gorgeous and still so happy to see me. Why the hell I ever considered letting her go is just...who the hell cares; she's back in my life again. We tacked on another goal before the end of the second, and I was cleared to play in the middle of the third, by which point, we're up 9-0. Haldi, or backup goalie, gets some ice time just for good measure, and it's looking like a shutout by committee - Price gets the shutout for his stats, and Haldi gets to play. The last shining moment was with three minutes left, when I passed one back to the blue line to Brewer, who hung a prayer shot - that went in. Top shelf. And the crowd got double-digits, and that's how it ended. I'm carried off again by my teammates, but this time for a different reason; I'm too dizzy to make it off on my own. Price gets second star again, and this time, Johnson gets third star. I take first-star honors with a hat trick and a playmaker (three assists, for those who don't know) and Haldi joins me on the ice so I don't fall. Dad and Danni help me out from the locker room, and I throw back some Gatorade to help me get hydrated. The path back to Dad's car goes past the Ohio State bus, and damned if I wasn't stopped on the way by none other than Joel Biederman. Apparently the bastard wants to finish what he started - and a beating by Howard seems to have changed his mind. Since I can't really stand steady on my own at this point, or at least I'm not ready to try on these sidewalks, Biederman has to speak in front of my dad, my girlfriend, my step-mom, and my teammates. Surprisingly, he does the right thing and apologizes for the hit. He's smart enough to know he's suspended from the team, if not the university, and he'll be happy to know that I won't be pressing charges - whatever happens to him happens. We decide to leave it at that - maybe in another universe, we would have been friends, but I don't live in another universe. Dad takes me back to his house to rest up, and Danni's taking exceptional care of me. Now I know what I have to look forward to if I ever get seriously injured - and she gently reminds me that she's in town for the entire week, especially for my birthday. And she got me something very special - well, two somethings, and she hopes I'm healthy enough by then for her to give me that special treat. The first present was a motorcycle - she and Dad went in on it together. The second...well, she wanted me to use my imagination for that one until she put it on; needless to say, she wasn't telling anyone but me what it was. All I can say is I'm definitely looking forward to spending the week with her - just be gentle at first; I can't miss this weekend's games because my girlfriend decided to play rough, you know. She understands. She always does. Blog Entry, 7/2/2009 Authored by: Rex Majors, stillaliveandkicking Despite the fact that I seem to have a busy week ahead of me - and a very busy summer, judging by my new gig, I've been elected to play "Where are they now?" with those who ran the Race - despite the fact that leukemia kept me out (I couldn't get a doctor's clearance. Figure that out - Charlie gets clearance after a heart attack to do Survivor and TAR, but despite being declared cancer-free, I can't go on TAR with the woman who saved my life.) I got a lot of mail in the past six months, everything from Debra and Bob's postcards from Bermuda to Eric's latest publicity photos - at least he wore his own clothes instead of Jessica's. We can't exactly call them a Race couple, since they met on Big Brother, but they're close enough for my liking. Besides, I've exchanged IMs with Eric, and he's very funny. I also have a nice collection of baby pictures of the Darius variety - his son is growing up to be quite the handsome man. Darius' wife forgave him for the affair he had, and he says he's been 100% clean since that day, not even looking at another woman. Or another man, as he jokes - Steve's dad throws that one in for grins, I suppose. Apparently Steve's still single and enjoying it, even if he's been hit on by his share of guys. I asked Darius what he thinks of being on a team that completely choked - he agrees that they choked, but he swears they would have continued had Darius won that game of rock-paper-scissors in Wales. OK, fine, I'll grant that the Ravers would be out, but the way they were racing? Hawaii might have even survived the next leg. Speaking of Hawaii, I have an insider tip that Kea's career on TV isn't exactly over. Leilani's? Sure. She's going back to her ranch and seems to be interested in a local guy. Dan's mildly jealous, but they swear they're just friends. Almost every time their names are mentioned in the same or consecutive sentences, that is. "And here we have a picture of Dan by the Redskins' home field. Here's the jersey he bought for Leilani" -- "We're just friends; I swear." Methinks they doth protest too much - wouldn't be the first May-December romance on the Race. I can't figure it out, though - older woman with younger man seems to spell romance, but older man with younger woman? Always stops at friendship. At least here in Race land. Jamal transferred to Mississippi State - Ole Miss' arch-rival. He and his ex aren't speaking, and he hasn't talked to Ray in a while. Ray's divorce was just made final, and guess who didn't get the house? To make matters worse for Ray, that colleague he had the affair with won't go near him, even taking a leave of absence, presumably to look for another job. It's hard to be more alone than Ray at this point. Jamal, however, has buried his nose in his studies - and changed majors. He's now in emergency management; apparently, he thinks he can do a better job cleaning up disaster sites than FEMA ever did. Granted, FEMA doesn't really set the bar very high sometimes, but...that's a tale for another day. He's also not done with reality TV, either, but someone should tell him that the same audition tape doesn't need to be used for every show. Also, someone needs to tell him that The Bachelorette tends to cast people who are a bit less...well, rough around the edges. Of course, the lovely Taylor, his ex, seems to be trying her hand at the television business - boy are they in for a nasty surprise. I also found out why we see virtually no trace of Bobby and Caroline anywhere - sure, the Expedition cast turns up at some cast parties here and there, the odd fundraiser, and let's just say Spike hit it off with Vyxsin from TAR12, but no Colorado anywhere. Turns out Caroline's promotion has her working upwards of 80 hours a week, and she's earning six figures easily. She's 29 years old and up to $100,000-plus. Bobby? Not so much - at this point, he's pretty much said through the grapevine that he has no adult responsibilities left. The maid does the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and inspects their home to make sure no repairs need made. And for whatever reason, Caroline is OK with this, even stopping Bobby from going out and getting acting jobs. Hey, if she wants him at home on the couch in his underwear, whatever. It's not a life I would opt for, but what the hell. Bobby's secret crush with Hayley seems to have turned into something of a solid friendship - Hayley's heading out to Denver to play professional lacrosse, something she says will help her relieve a lot of anger and stress. She treats her boyfriend like a prince now; he's finishing up college back home and then heading to Denver to do whatever it is he's going to do. Alexis got an offer from Spike's band to be the head of security for their tour - well, sort of; The Offspring has a full-scale security force, and Alexis is in charge of making sure that the Poison Jewels, who have really cool artwork, stay safe. She's also reportedly asked Derek out at least four times - each time expecting a negative answer and getting it. Reggie and Dan continued to do charity work, expanding their efforts toward fans of the Capitals and even the Wizards. Reggie's son Joe was honored at a Capitals game and got to play in a pee-wee game - he's not bad if he keeps his balance, and his favorite position to play is goalie. Dan just broke up with a girl in D.C. and swears that Leilani had nothing to do with it. Alex and Elena are still going strong - no plans for marriage or anything, but they're still happy as two worn-out college students can be. Alex got his Master's degree, and Elena finished up her Bachelor's. Alex is still looking for permanent work in engineering, and Elena's paying the bills until then. On a lighter note, Bryan's in a world of trouble - he's been expedited to the United Kingdom for two counts of attempted murder. Make that two convictions, and he's locked up there for the next 18 years. And just in case you think his time's up in prison after that, he's got time to serve in the U.S. on tax evasion and labor law charges, not to mention embezzlement, fraud, and conspiracy charges in relation to the whole Cousin Mel story. Bryan's getting the worst of it. Mel Shankman got off with probation for collaborating with Bryan and was sent away for four years for statutory rape, and Melanie Pike got off with a plea agreement - and a hefty fine. So long, fancy cars. Here's a used Ford. Enjoy. Jeffrey, on the other hand, coughed up nearly everything Bryan had accumulated over the years and then some - she's about $75,000 in the hole in back taxes and looking at a long time to pay it back. She's living in a three-bedroom apartment on the east side of Columbus - as a single mom in debt. Good luck, Jeffrey, or whatever she's calling herself these days - maybe she'll turn over a new leaf; I don't know. It's scary when she was the redeemable one in that team. Now for the heavy stuff. Right now, The Offspring tour is in Dallas, Texas, and the Poison Jewels are on top of the world. Spike and Skull aren't the only people with wild nicknames in the band - apparently "Savage" is the most conventional name, and it's the lead singer's surname. Blazer, Spike's old boss, is the new band manager; he's sold the bar and is traveling with the Jewels now. Spike told me...or rather, told Alexis, who told Derek, who told Charlie, who told Dana, who told me...that Blazer finally got a date - Alexis' mom, of all people. The man who hasn't been on a date in over five years goes on a date with the woman who hasn't been on a date in over 20 - assuming you count the day her husband left her as her last date. Spike wrote a song about her experience - or rather, she wrote several, and at a recent concert, she got the chance to have one performed. This one was about what it was like the night her father was killed - she sent me a copy of it, and it's hard to get the chorus out of my head: "When you kill a man...do you think about The ones who watched him die The little girl...who loved that man Didn't get to say goodbye Cut them open...thinking of revenge Leaving scars that never heal You never ask who's left behind To you, it isn't real The crying girl who just wants him back But to you, she isn't real" No word on what Spike's father's killer had to say about the song, only that he's in far worse trouble than he ever was before - he was looking at getting out in his 70s. Now? He's lucky if he'll last to the end of the year; a couple of fellow inmates who were fans of Spike assaulted him in prison since the finale aired. Jennifer's still with Grant, the Kiwi who introduced Spike to the big time, and she's a candidate for, of all things, State Senate. She's running on a platform of experience, survival, and steady work in the mayor's office - and compassion. She's bulletproof - Spike's her biggest liability, and who's going to go after a woman who survived a suicide bombing, saved a man's life, and overcame drug addiction? Oh, wait - it's politics. I'm sure the party brass will think of something. Tina finished her residency and is in talks with a local pediatric office to join the staff - she says she's looking forward to it because it's a 40-hour-a-week clinic. No weekends or evenings, and she can join Jim after his games - at least the home ones. She and Jim just sent me a new set of pictures taken recently at the beach - she's always smiling and always makes a point of greeting anyone she meets for the first time with a warm handshake and kind words. It's hard, she says. But she feels a lot better than she did cooped up in her shell, and she says she's almost gone cross-eyed with the number of people who praise her for being "brave." For her, she just did what she felt like she needed to in order to survive. She reconciled with her dad, and I got the chance to meet him and have dinner with him - hell of a nice guy, he is, and he's doing everything he can to make Tina's life better. Jim said he wished his parents cared like that - as expected, he hasn't heard a word out of them and doesn't really care to. Tina and her dad are his "adopted family" now. Charlie's one semester away from a Master's degree and a position as a lecturer at the University of Michigan, and his daughter Danielle's a beautiful baby. Paula's actually a stay-at-home mom now, a position she says she never would have pictured two years ago when she first went on Survivor (of course, who would have imagined them being happily married after she ripped him apart at the Japan merge? Marrying Charlie, having his baby, and staying home to take care of that baby is a hell of a way to make it up to him.) A bunch of us flew out to Denver for the Frozen Four; it was as if there were two rows of Race alums - who would have taken BJ and Tyler for hockey fans? But the final game was amazing, even if it was frustrating to watch - Michigan State went up 1-0 in the first period on a goal that probably should have been disallowed, and when Michigan tied it at 1-1 on a goal by someone not on Derek's line, Michigan State immediately went up 2-1 and frustration set in. Derek whiffed on a last-second shot in the second period. But the third period was different. Derek got the game-tying assist, the game-winning goal, and an insurance goal later; toss in an empty-netter for good measure, and Hobey Baker Award runner-up Derek Forrest was a champion at last. He was named Frozen Four MVP, and he actually got to make a speech, which I saved the text of because I decided to DVR the game. "I want to dedicate this season to the great team that took the ice and won today and every time we put our minds and our hearts into the game. We are champions. We will never forget this moment. The coaches, the players, and most importantly, the entire Michigan family, including our families, friends, and fans. I love you all, and I know the team does, too. I want to congratulate the Michigan State Spartans on a hell of a game. You guys have frustrated us so many times, and you're all great. You had a hell of a season. I want to thank my family for sticking with me. That includes everyone, especially my dad, who's been everything to me for so long. He didn't laugh at me when I said I wanted to play hockey at the University of Michigan, even when I didn't pick up a stick until high school. And there’s one more person I want to give a special thanks to here in the stands today. She's the one person who helped me train despite not being able to skate, the one person who was there when I was frustrated, feeling defeated, or even when I almost didn't make it home in one piece. The woman of my dreams, who came out here to support me when there's a million other things she could be doing. I was going to wait until later, but there are so many people I care about here who should be a part of this. (At this point, Derek drops to a knee, reaches in his sock for something, and opens a small box, showing the arena the contents.) Danni Boatwright, will you marry me?" I suppose it goes without saying that she said yes - and the good news just continued to pour out for Derek. He was drafted 30th in the 2009 NHL draft - by his hometown Red Wings, who made trades just to get his line mates as well. I was so looking forward to seeing him in a Sharks uniform - but they decided they needed another goalie, as of Nabokov and Toskala aren't enough. In the romance department, Dana's still madly in love with Tasha, and the two announced wedding plans - for two years from now when Dana's out of law school, that is. Dana and her father reconciled soon after Christmas, and he's agreed to chip in for some of the wedding costs. Apparently, he decided he’d rather have a gay daughter than none at all – that and he said he adores Tasha. They're going to Massachusetts, where gay marriage is legal; besides, they always wanted to see Cape Cod. I also just got some postcards in the mail from Derek and Danni - from the Virgin Islands. They eloped right after the draft, and we got a few dozen pictures of the wedding. I'm not sure exactly how they usually dress in the Virgin Islands, but Derek fit right in, as did Danni in a nice two-piece dress of some kind. Apparently they weren't satisfied with just the traditional pictures; half the ones they took are of them in costume of some kind - Derek could probably be a pro wrestler if he wanted, and the big boots and tear-away Spandex fit him nicely. I've never seen a couple get so carried away on their wedding day, at least in terms of costumes - Danni makes a very convincing Carmen Miranda, and let’s just say that it takes a very secure man to admit he's been photographed - voluntarily - in nothing but his new wife’s lacy undies. He didn't send the pictures, but he says she has plenty of them. Wonder what that’ll do for his locker room reputation. They're honeymooning in Europe and heading for Alaska after a brief stop in Michigan, and apparently, Derek bought Danni a very nice birthday gift with his signing bonus - but he hasn't said what. Ah, to be happy and carefree. Makes me wish I could say the same. I still can't stop thinking about Carrie. Sure, seeing Ronnie brought to justice helps - he was found guilty and has sentencing in August sometime - but even killing him wouldn't bring her back. I don't know what she was thinking - but it was a simple case of choosing me or herself. Most people would have chosen themselves. Carrie would have risked her life for a stranger if it came to that. She never told me so or anything, but I could see it. I picture her in heaven now reconnecting with her son, a boy who would have been a real joy to meet. Unfortunately, his death was what it took for her marriage to her jerk of a husband to end, and without that, I never would have met her and I would have had to take my chances on the donor list. Damnit, there I go again being selfish. Always about me, it has to be. I've gotten over a thousand letters from people wishing me the best, and by "wishing me the best," I mean "trying to heal my broken heart." I saved them all - I was asked to. Make a few cuts here and there - criminal background checks, weed out the under-18 crowd, and thanks, but I'm not interested in dating men, and I have no idea what the hell to make of it. Apparently an initial list of 279 (unmarried women over the age of 18 with no criminal history or serious psychological problems) has been trimmed to nine - what is this, a reality show of some kind? Reminds me of my new gig - thirteen people, the usual cast of miscreants, crazies, and wannabe strategists who probably expect to be reporting to a robotic woman who gets confused when addressed by anything other than her given name. Frankly, these jokers can call me Napoleon and I won't care as long as I know they're talking to me. And frankly, I'll give props to the first one who actually does call me Napoleon - not you, Dan. There must have been an open casting call on the eastern seaboard - look at this cast. That and they seem to be casting for diversity and bikinis of whatever variety, be they string, thong, or peanut butter. The men, on the other hand, look like the more gun-shy of the group. Seven of them and six salacious women, so it appears...well, not all "salacious," really; there are a few oddballs thrown in. The show starts in a week after the Independence Day hangovers wear off, and we can finally get to know all thirteen--wait a minute. Just got word that they added an additional person to the mix. And somehow, my list of eligible bachelorettes is up to ten. Coincidence? I hope so. I should never have signed that damn contract while I was half-asleep. That left the door wide open for them to put in people like--oh, hell no. This is not happening. Please tell me--not her. Anyone but her. Well, almost anyone but her...damnit, damnit to hell. The End?   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Belle Book 1925 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Herbal Healing Drugs Endorser" 01-24-09, 07:59 PM (EST) 10. "RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Whoa! That was terrible, what happened to Carrie! I wish you could've spared her, at least! Belle Book   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-26-09, 11:06 AM (EST) 15. "RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" This ending was a mid-season change - originally, Carrie survived the gunshot, and the ending was Rex on the set of Big Brother for the 11th season premiere - and the first twist was on him, as Carrie showed up on the set and asked him to marry her. This was when the idea of writing a full season of BB scared the living daylights out of me (29 episodes, blogs, and the right balance of debauchery and family friendliness that can capture just how mind-blowingly insane someone would have to be to play Big Brother) and I thought about just ending the story arc right there, with everyone getting a happy ending (well, except the jerk brigade.) So BB is as much Rex's story as it is that of the contestants. That's the reason I knocked off Carrie - something for him to heal from.   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Belle Book 1925 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Herbal Healing Drugs Endorser" 01-26-09, 05:07 PM (EST) 16. "RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" LAST EDITED ON 01-26-09 AT 05:10 PM (EST) Ah, I see. Thanks for explaining -- btw, I'd never write a Big Brother story either -- I'm not as familiar with it as I am with The Amazing Race, The Mole or even Survivor and I probably would be just as alarmed about writing a full season of BB as you would be. I've done versions of The Mole and AR on different websites -- one version of The Mole was on a Dariawebsite and had Daria as a contestant, the other was on the Nancy Drew computer games message boards; while my AR story can be found on RealityFanForums, so I have experience with writing stories based on those shows. However, my AR story was milder than yours -- I didn't have any teams vaguely resembling the "jerk brigade", and my bickering team finished sixth, which is about as far as I'd like to have a bickering team finish. Just far enough to cause drama but not so far that they outstay their welcome. And I had an alpha-male team, but they were a little more like comedy relief. One of the guys could be a real threat to win it all if he had a different partner, but the other was the butt of much of my humor. Belle Book   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

vince3 15726 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 01-24-09, 11:34 PM (EST) 11. "RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" What did they do, throw the Chenbot out of the boudoir and throw her into the hamster cage instead?   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-26-09, 08:05 AM (EST) 12. "RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" Look back at Episode 12 - Phil's blog. That's how I got rid of the Chenbot. Estee used an atomic redhead to do it - I was coming off a non-elim and had no such luck. Besides, the boots around that time are far too mild-mannered to go Robin on her...   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

vince3 15726 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold" 01-26-09, 08:47 AM (EST) 13. "RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" LAST EDITED ON 01-26-09 AT 08:47 AM (EST) Menage a trois will do that, even to the Chenbot......... There's still the question of who Rex is dreading seeing entering the cage as #14, though........   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Colonel Zoidberg 3370 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity" 01-26-09, 11:03 AM (EST) 14. "RE: The Amazing Race: Expedition Finale - "It's A Matter Of Global Security"" I did drop one hint - she's also on his list of "eligible bachelorettes" - the nine ten women who will be vying to replace Carrie. Not sure if that's much of a hint...   Remove | Alert Edit | Reply | Reply With Quote | Top

Lock | Archive | Remove

Lobby | Topics | Previous Topic | Next Topic

Select another forum Lobby The Amazing Race Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--The Amazing Race Fanatics Forum (Protected)   |--The Amazing Race Basher Forum (Protected)   |--The Amazing Race Spoiler/Speculation Forum (Protected) American Idol Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--American Idol General Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--American Idol Individual Contestant and Judge Discussion Forum (Protected) The Apprentice Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--The Apprentice General Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--The Apprentice Spoilers/Speculation Forum (Protected)   |--The Apprentice: Martha Stewart General Discussion Forum (Protected) Big Brother Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--Big Brother Fanatic Forum (Protected)   |--Big Brother Bashers Forum (Protected)   |--Big Brother Live Feed Updates And Spoilers (Protected) The Mole Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--The Mole General Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--The Mole Clues & Spoilers Forum (Protected) Survivor Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--Survivor Fanatic Forum (Protected)   |--Survivor Basher Forum (Protected)   |--Survivor Spoilers Forum (Protected)   |--Survivor Games Forum (Protected)   |--Spoiler Island Fantasy Game Forum (Protected)   |--Survivor 6 Spoiler/Speculation Forum (Protected)   |--Survivor 8 Spoilers Forum (Protected)   |--Survivor Book Forum (Protected)   |--SurvivorMarket Forum (Public) Other Reality TV Shows (Conference)   |--America's Got Talent Forum (Protected)   |--America's Next Top Model Forum (Protected)   |--The Bachelor / The Bachelorette Forum (Protected)   |--The Biggest Loser Forum (Protected)   |--Dancing with the Stars Forum (Protected)   |--Flavor of Love / I Love New York Forum (Protected)   |--I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Forum (Protected)   |--Jon & Kate Plus 8 Forum (Protected)   |--Hell's Kitchen Forum (Protected)   |--HGTV Design Star Forum (Protected)   |--Laguna Beach / The Hills Forum (Protected)   |--Project Runway Forum (Protected)   |--The Real Housewives Forum (Protected)   |--The Real World / Road Rules Forum (Protected)   |--So You Think You Can Dance Forum (Protected)   |--Top Chef Forum (Protected)   |--Trading Spouses / Wife Swap Forum (Protected)   |--Other Reality TV Shows Forum (Protected) Non-Reality TV Shows Forums (Conference)   |--24 Forum (Protected)   |--Desperate Housewives Forum (Protected)   |--Grey's Anatomy Forum (Protected)   |--Heroes Forum (Protected)   |--Lost Forum (Protected)   |--Other Non-Reality TV Shows Forum (Protected)   |--Non-Reality Daytime Soap Shows Forum (Protected) Off Topic (Conference)   |--Temporary Off Topic Forum (Protected)   |--The Help Forum (Protected)   |--Off-Topic Forum (Protected)   |--Off-Topic Sports Forum (Protected)   |--Story Competitions Forum (Protected) Other Inactive Reality TV Shows (Conference)   |--Age Of Love Forum (Protected)   |--Average Joe Forum (Protected)   |--Beauty and the Geek Forum (Protected)   |--Beg, Borrow, & Deal (Protected)   |--The Benefactor Forum (Protected)   |--Boy Meets Boy Forum (Protected)   |--The Casino Forum (Protected)   |--The Contender Forum (Protected)   |--Cupid Forum (Protected)   |--Fame Forum (Protected)   |--For Love Or Money Forum (Protected)   |--Joe Millionaire Forum (Protected)   |--Grease: You're the One That I Want Forum (Protected)   |--Kid Nation Forum (Protected)   |--Last Comic Standing Forum (Protected)   |--Mad Mad House Forum (Protected)   |--My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance Forum (Protected)   |--Nashville Star Forum (Protected)   |--Next Action Star Forum (Protected)   |--On The Lot Forum (Protected)   |--Outback Jack Forum (Protected)   |--Paradise Hotel Forum (Protected)   |--Pirate Master Forum (Protected)   |--Playing It Straight Forum (Protected)   |--The Rebel Billionaire Forum (Protected)   |--Rock Star (Protected)   |--Skating With Celebrities Forum (Protected)   |--The Simple Life (Protected)   |--Superstars of Dance Forum (Protected)   |--The Surreal Life Forum (Protected)   |--Treasure Hunters Forum (Protected)   |--Wickedly Perfect Forum (Protected)   |--Joe Schmo Forum (Protected)   |--Todd TV Forum (Protected)   |--The Real Gilligan's Island (Protected)   |--Forever Eden Forum (Protected) Starting Over Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--Starting Over General Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--Starting Over Individual Houseguest Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--Starting Over Spoilers Forum (Protected) TemptationIslandSucks.com Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--Temptation Island Everything (Protected) TheOsbournesSucks.com Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--The Osbournes Everything Forum (Protected) BootCampBites.com Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--Boot Camp Spoiler/Speculation Forum (Protected)   |--Boot Camp Rant/Rave Forum (Protected) LoveCruiseSinks.com Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--Love Cruise Everything (Protected) Push-Nevada.net.com Message Board Forums (Conference)   |--Push, Nevada General Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--Push, Nevada Clue & Hint Forum (Protected) Inactive Forums (Conference)   |--BlowsVivor Forum (Protected)   |--2002 RealityTVWorld Blowie Award Nomination Forum (Protected)   |--September Eleven Forum (Protected)   |--Cornertime Forum (Public)   |--OLD The Amazing Race Basher Forum (Protected)   |--Survivor II: The Australian Outback Forum (Protected) TEMPORARY FORUMS (Conference)   |--Temporary The Amazing Race Fanatics Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary The Amazing Race Basher Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary The Amazing Race Spoiler/Speculation Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary America's Next Top Model Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary American Idol General Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary American Idol Individual Contestant and Judge Discussion Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary The Bachelor / The Bachelorette Forum (Public)   |--Temporary The Biggest Loser Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Laguna Beach / The Hills Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Other Reality TV Shows Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Non-Reality TV Shows Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Survivor Basher Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Dancing with the Stars Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Top Chef Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Survivor Spoilers Forum (Protected)   |--Temporary Survivor Fanatic Forum (Protected)