Blog Entry, 12/4/2008
Authored by: Ron "Blazer" Macklin, punkrockliveshereThis has been easily the most gut-wrenching season of the Race ever, and it's worse for me. First the nose ring, and I could have told you it was no accident. Anyone who puts up with someone as revolting as Jeffrey is either a saint or equally revolting, and I could have told you Bryan's no saint. This is no Flo and Zach situation. This is More Evil Flo and...Anti-Zach, I suppose. Jonathan, maybe. Only if he slugged Jeffrey, I'd only be upset because someone wasn't slugging him, too.
Then the mushroom. Then the feud with Alexis, which reached an apex with the whole thing about Spike's father (which, by the way, Alexis apologized for numerous times, and it looks like she and Spike are e-mail pals now, which means I asked Spike the important question about Alexis: "She's straight, right?" But it wasn't meant to be - Alexis shot me down, citing the long-distance thing, though she said she admired how I stood up for Spike.) Then the suicide bomber and the several revelations at once - and someone actually came out with something worse than "I watched my father being murdered." And now, I think we've started into why Spike hasn't had a cigarette since she left for the Race.
It's as if this sort of misfortune followed my girl back to Seattle for a while - and frankly, a suicide bombing is as good an excuse to do heroin as I've ever seen - but Spike tells me that doing heroin was a "great decision." No, Spike. Doing heroin and then getting clean was your "great decision" - if you don't get clean, you don't meet Skull, and we don't have a live band here for the Christmas Eve finale. And as an added bonus, Spike wouldn't be subbing for the drummer that night.
Skull is the manager and lyricist for a local band called Poison Jewels, a name I think they came up with when they were...hell, I have no idea how they came up with it, but the artwork is pretty neat. It looks like some jewels are dripping with some kind of liquid that is presumably poisonous. Apparently, Skull designed it. I'd duplicate it if I could draw worth a damn, so I commissioned Spike - who promptly drew up some other possible artwork for the band. With pictures that pretty and the opportunity to see Spike go nuts behind a set of Zildjians, I think we'll have a packed house on Christmas Eve. I'm even thinking of renting out a venue of some kind.
Just don't make me give all the proceeds to charity. Just some. I have a bar to run and a punk family to feed.
Blog Entry, 12/4/2008
Authored by: Michael Cameron, tryingtobeadad
So we pick up the story where we left off last week. Given the choice between letting Zeke molest Tina or risking jail for business fraud, I chose the former, at least to all outward appearances. Actually, I chose it upon the threat of seeing Tina shipped off to an orphanage with an entire family of jailbirds. If only Zeke applied himself to, say, a real relationship or a career the way he applied himself to his sick fantasies, he'd have ended up president of a Fortune 500 company by age 40. Sadly, he chose to be a sick bastard.
The first step was to turn Tina into exactly what he wanted her to be, and with carte blanche from me and my wife, Tina became a girl I hardly recognized. Gone was the fresh-faced little genius who was reading at a 6th-grade level and was already doing long division. All of a sudden, her grades suffered, and she nearly had to repeat the first grade. Zeke had succeeded at one thing - she seemed to have a lot of academic problems and was set up for a lifetime of failure and no opportunities.
At the same time, she was developing a lot of behavioral problems - she nearly hit a teacher for putting her hand on Tina's shoulder. It was at this point where Zeke started to realize that his strategy was working too well - in one year, Tina went from a star pupil who was being considered for skipping a year of elementary school to a poorly-performing nuisance with development problems, severe social issues, and the threat of repeating the first grade. Sooner or later, the school would get suspicious, and they were hot on Zeke's trail - or actually, on our trails, and even if my wife wasn't prepared to sell Zeke down the river, I was.
So in order to keep up his charade, Zeke made us start making threats to our daughter about her performance and behavior. I had to tell Tina in a stern voice that, if she didn't improve her grades and start acting out, I'd take her out back and hit her. Thank God I never had to follow through on that threat - even saying that to her made me cringe. But the threat did the job; her grades came up, and the outbursts stopped. I told the school that my wife and I were just having marital problems and it was rubbing off on her.
I realized at this point that I could act as an advocate for Tina without Zeke having any idea what was going on. In the rare moments I got with Tina that Zeke wasn't breathing down our necks, I constantly reminded Tina about the importance of doing well in school. I stroked her, encouraged her, and even helped her out, slipping her material that was far more advanced than what she was learning in school. I felt a little like I was a Nazi guard slipping food and Allied propaganda to a few innocent Jewish girls in a death camp, but the problem with that analogy is that it still makes me a guard at a Nazi death camp. I was doing all I felt like I could, but the damage was done, and saying that I was just "following orders" didn't vindicate me in any way.
So for her elementary school years, the only thing that made me feel good was the fact that I could set my girl up for a potential college scholarship - there was no way in hell I was paying for it on my own; Zeke spent the college fund I had started for Tina, and any disposable income went to him. I had to act as if I didn't care about my daughter - even buying her a present for her birthday or for Christmas was off limits. Zeke got to buy her presents, and even then, he'd make us find excuses to take them away. It was like I had to be a double agent to convince my little girl I still loved her - though it didn't take much; even by her eighth birthday, she knew Zeke was a bastard.
After all that sneaking around, maybe I should try out for that show "The Mole." Hell, if that fat guy in glasses could pull off the "Oh, I'm the lovable fat guy who really tries; I can't possibly be the Mole," then I could make sure that the winner goes home with $50.
Back from commercial.
Jennifer: Oh my God, Spike! Are you OK?
Spike is unresponsive.
Jennifer: Medic! We have a woman down!
Jennifer tries to shake Spike to wake her up.
Quickly, a medic arrives on the scene; Jennifer is trying to breathe into Spike's mouth. She has turned purple.
Medic: She has stopped breathing? I have oxygen.
Jennifer: Please. Do what you need to.
Hennessy, the medic, has applied the oxygen mask to Spike's nose and mouth; Jennifer crosses her fingers and looks desperately at Spike.
Hennessy: Her airways were constricted. She appears to be relaxing.
Jennifer: She smoked before she came on the Race.
Hennessy: That may be the problem. This plus the air.
Team confessional, Spike and Jennifer.
Spike: I couldn't breathe. It's completely nuts. I've set a new Race record for most medical visits. I'm up to, what, four now?
Jennifer: Are you counting the mushroom?
Spike: We got a warning for it, so yes.
Cut to Spike and Jennifer; Spike appears to be coming to.
Hennessy: Miss, you nearly suffocated. Please try to be more careful.
Jennifer: I promise you can pick the Detour option next time.
Cut to the Monument; Tina and Jim, currently in fourth place, arrive.
Jim: Detour. Chutes or Letters? Chutes involves hiking.
Dana: Why do you think we're here?
Tina: Good point.
Cut to Spike and Jennifer; the two are at the top of the ski slope. Jennifer is in back.
Jennifer: We had better do this right.
Spike does not respond but with a thumbs-up as the sled takes off.
Cut to the Monument; Jeffrey and Bryan, currently in fifth place, arrive at the Monument.
At this time, Carrie grabs a handful of letters; Jeffrey looks over at a pair of letters that fall out of Carrie's hand.
One has a red and yellow sticker and is for "JEFFREY AND BRYAN."
Bryan: Chutes or Letters?
Jeffrey: Letters.
Bryan: OK.
Immediately, Jeffrey walks over and picks up the letter address to her and opens it; at the same time, Carrie opens a letter addressed to her.
Carrie: Son of a bitch.
Jeffrey: Thanks for keeping us around, whore.
Carrie: Thanks for being a leathery bitch.
Bryan and Dana grab their clues.
Bryan: Travel to the Pit Stop, Cape Soya.
Dana: Warning, last team to check in will be eliminated. No more messing around.
Carrie: Come on, Dana. If we beat them, they get a penalty.
Cut to Cape Soya; a young Japanese woman stands next to Phil at the point where the island meats the ocean.
Arriving at the mat are Charlie and Derek.
Greeter: Welcome to Cape Soya.
Phil: Charlie and Derek...
Phil smiles at them.
Phil: ...you're team number ONE!
Charlie fist-pounds Derek, and the two embrace while grunting.
Phil: Now I have some good news. As the winners of this leg of the Race, you have each won $10,000 in Travelocity money, which can be used any way you want after the Race. Derek, I bet you have a few uses for that.
Derek: I'd say I'm going back to Rio with Danni, but maybe I'll have to bring her here.
Phil: Speaking of Danni, I think you have a letter from a loved one.
Charlie opens up the letter; he, Derek ,and Phil center around it.
The letter reads:
Hey Boys!
Hope you're getting this letter and you're still alive and well in the Race. We know you're doing awesome, and we wanted you to know that we're doing great, too.
We're all here at Danni's place in Kansas, and the cats are scared for their lives around all the dogs. Paula's doing great, too; everyone's taking great care of her, but we're waiting for you to get home before those late-night food runs start.
We've been thinking about you both, and we're sending you our blessing for a happy and safe journey around the world, and we hope you come back with lots of neat prizes, especially the big one at the end.
Keep fighting hard, and we'll see you when you arrive home victorious!
Love always,
Danni and Paula
Derek begins to tear up.
Phil: Derek, are you all right?
Derek (choked up): I feel terrible for what I did out here. I miss Danni, and I have a lot of things I wanted to share with her.
Charlie puts his hand on Derek's shoulder.
Charlie: She'll be waiting for you when you get home.
Cut to the Monument; Alex and Elena, currently in last place, are arriving.
Alex: Detour. Chutes or Letters? That's a long way to hike, and we need to get going. Let's do Letters.
A quick pan to Chutes shows Spike and Jennifer arriving at the bottom; Spike's eyes are closed, and she is hanging on for dear life.
Jennifer helps Spike up, and they walk over to grab their clue.
Jennifer: Travel to the Pit Stop, Cape Soya. Will you be OK?
Spike: If I'm not, get me the oxygen. Let's get going.
Cut to Cape Soya; Jeffrey and Bryan are neck and neck with Carrie and Dana. Both Jeffrey and Dana appear to be struggling; Bryan and Carrie are coaching them and even leading them by the hand.
Carrie: Come on, Dana; they're gone if we beat them.
Jeffrey appears to gain some ground on Dana, who struggles more but still seems to have her breath.
Dana (out of breath): I really need to lose weight.
The two teams arrive at the Pit Stop; Bryan and Carrie jump on the mat first.
Jeffrey leaps onto the mat, and Dana falls onto it.
Phil: Jeffrey and Bryan...you're team number two!
Bryan hollers and pumps his fist; Carrie frustratedly slaps her knee.
Phil: Carrie and Dana...you're team number three!
Carrie picks Dana up and holds her up in her arms; Dana starts to tear up.
Phil: Jeffrey and Bryan, you won't get a time penalty, and you're still in the Race. I also understand that you both got letters.
Bryan: I peeked at mine on the way over. I looked for something about work and didn't find anything.
Phil: Care to read it here?
Bryan: Can't. Left it at the Monument.
Carrie: Are you always this much of a bastard?
Bryan: Listen to me. What I look for in my letter is none of your business.
Carrie: Really. So your kids write you and it's not important, but your manager writes you and it is?
Bryan: If that's what I say, then what the hell do you have to argue with?
Carrie: I've waited this entire time for any word from my boyfriend. All you give a s--- about is work.
Bryan: I have my priorities. I made up my mind--
Carrie: And what if she wanted to read it? Or maybe neither of you gives a s---. I feel bad for your kids.
Jeffrey: I don't have to take abuse from a stuck-up n--
Carrie (sharply): I clocked your husband with no effort. Finish that word and you'll wake up with a massive headache and half your teeth.
Carrie opens her letter, turns away from the other two, and shows Dana. Jeffrey and Bryan walk away.
The letter reads:
What's up, beautiful ladies?
Both of us miss you like crazy and hope you're still in it and reading this letter. We're managing without you two, but it's not nearly as much fun. I can't make waffles the way Tasha likes them, and we both miss waking up next to you.
I'm doing great; I'm still healthy as an ox but with no one to share it with. Tasha's doing really well in her summer classes, and she smiled and told me she'll be graduating early. Dana, tell your parents you'll be bringing home a doctor before too long.
I'll be greeting you at the airport with a nice, tall latte, and Tasha says she'll meet you at the airport naked. Don't go finding another girl, she says with a smile.
Love you both,
Rex and Tasha
Noticeably, Carrie is tearing up and Dana is bawling.
Phil: I see you're both very close to your loved ones back home.
Dana (sobbing): My family's never been OK with the fact that I'm gay. Tasha's my world.
Phil: Carrie, I understand you had a rough leg.
Carrie: I had a fight earlier with Derek. Hearing from Rex is all I could ask for.
Phil: So are you and Derek not an item anymore?
Carrie: I don't know. He apologized, and I stiffed him. I'll see.
Cut to the Monument; Tina, Jim, Alex, and Elena are frantically searching for letters.
Jim pulls out a stack of letters; none appear at first glance to have a red and yellow sticker.
(confessional) Jim: Out of what had to be about two thousand letters, we were looking for one of four. This could easily take all day if we didn't get lucky.
Cut to Spike and Jennifer arriving at Cape Soya; Spike is gasping for air, and Jennifer has her arm around Spike, supporting her.
An exhausted Spike reaches the Pit Stop with Jennifer.
Phil: Spike and Jennifer...you're team number four!
Spike immediately drops to her knees and then falls onto her hands and knees.
Phil: Is she OK Do we need a medic again?
Jennifer (frantic): Get her some oxygen!
Two medics rush the scene with an oxygen tank and immediately tend to Spike.
Team confessional, Spike and Jennifer.
Spike: It's getting a little predictable. Every few legs, Spike almost dies. I'm pretty sure, at this rate, I'm immortal.
Jennifer: Don't say that too loud. Like how you said you would never smoke again if you survived.
Cut to the Monument; Tina grabs a stack of letters. Noticeably, one has a red and yellow sticker.
Jim (softly to Tina): Whose letter is that?
Tina looks at it; the letter says "ALEX AND ELENA" on it.
Tina: Spike and Jennifer's.
(confessional) Tina: We had to stay in the Race, and if it meant screwing over Tennessee, then it meant screwing over Tennessee. I said that the letter belonged to the Goths so Tennessee wouldn't overhear me.
Cut to the Monument; Tina continues to look through the letters, and another with a red and yellow sticker.
The names on the letter read "TINA AND JIM."
Tina immediately stuffs the letters back in the bag.
Tina opens the letter and grabs the clue; she opens it and yanks the directions out.
Tina: Travel to the Pit Stop, Cape Soya. Warning, last team to check in here will be eliminated.
Jim reaches down and grabs the letter Bryan discarded.
Tina: What the hell are you doing with that?
Jim: Bryan discarded it. I wonder who wrote it. Probably just one of his cronies.
Team confessional, Tina and Jim.
Jim: I picked up Bryan's letter just out of curiosity, and it turns out that the couple's oldest son wrote the letter. And he just throws the thing on the ground. I thought my parents sucked, but come on.
Tina: Jim and I both had families that didn't give a s---. So when we see parents that don't give a s---, it's personal for us.
Cut to the Monument; Elena immediately digs in the bag Tina vacated, pulling out the same stack of letters.
Alex: Tina said the letter in there belonged to the Goths.
Elena whips out the letter that had the sticker on it; she sees the names "ALEX AND ELENA" on it.
Elena: Tina lied.
Team confessional, Alex and Elena.
Elena: For some reason, I felt compelled to search that bag that Tina left, and I was right. That letter Tina said was for the Goths? That was for us.
Alex: I don't blame the girl, but her game move cost her. We outsmarted her, and we had time to catch up.
Cut to Cape Soya; Phil and the greeter are waiting on the next arrival.
In the distance, a team starts to approach, but it's hard to tell who.
The camera pans back to Phil and then back around as that team approaches.
One member of the team walks with a slight limp.
Upon closer inspection, Tina and Jim are the ones arriving.
They both take their spots on the mat; Jim clutches his knee.
Phil: Tina and Jim...
He hesitates and looks at them with a somewhat puzzled look.
Phil: ...you're team number FIVE!
Jim falls to his good knee as Tina smiles a bit.
Phil: You're both still in the Race. I understand you have a letter.
Jim: We have two; I picked up the one Bryan threw out.
Phil: Let's hear yours.
The letter reads:
Hey Coach Jim!
We're getting ready for the season to begin back here, and we hope you're having as much fun and as much success there as we are here. We're getting the title run underway back here, and we hope you come back with a title of your own.
The entire USC campus is behind you and Tina, and we wish you nothing but the best, but we want you back in top shape for the season. We have a Pac-10 title to defend, and Coach Carroll's counting on his running backs.
Tell Tina we're rooting for her, too, and we hope the experience is a nice break for you guys. You're an awesome couple, and we'll be seeing you in Los Angeles when you've won.
Best of luck!
The USC football team
Jim looks on at the letter beaming with pride.
Phil: Jim, this was from your team?
Jim: This was from my team. The team and Tina are my family.
Phil: It looks like they feel the same way.
(confessional) Jim: For me, football has always been the closest thing I've had to a family, both in high school and college, so when other people wanted to hear from spouses, significant others, family members, and friends, I wanted to hear from my team. I got exactly what I wanted, and I couldn't be happier.
Cut to Cape Soya; Alex and Elena are arriving with a letter in hand.
Greeter: Welcome to Cape Soya.
Elena: Thank you.
Phil: Alex and Elena...you are the last team to arrive.
Alex: We thought so.
Phil: I'm sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the Race.
Elena: We thought so.
Phil: Phil: Who wrote your letter?
Elena: My cousin. She's studying in England.
The letter reads:
Dearest Elena and Alex,
I hope if you come to England, you can visit me or drop me a line, but if not, know that I am still with you every place you go. Elena, you are my favorite cousin and a great player who was born for the Race, and Alex, you are the best friend Elena could ask for. May the world smile on you and bring you good fortune.
Elena, your entire family sends you best wishes from Sofia, and we hope you can come by and visit when you win the million. I'm just dying to meet Alex; he sounds like such a great guy, and the two of you should definitely date.
You guys are the best! Go all the way!
Love,
Svetlana
Elena starts to tear up; Alex consoles her.
Elena: Svetlana and I were always close growing up.
Alex: She has faith in both of us. And I love how she said we should date.
Phil: It sounds like you will date.
Alex: I think so.
Team confessional, Alex and Elena.
Elena: It's rough to be eliminated when we just finished first. We did everything we could, and it just wasn't meant to be.
Alex: We did our best. We played a hell of a game. I'm proud of our accomplishments, and I wouldn't change a thing except that I wish we could keep playing longer. To hell with the money, even; I'd do this just for the experience.
Cut to Alex and Elena at the Pit Stop; they are holding hands and raising their heads.
The credits begin to roll.
Phil (voice-over): Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.
The screen cuts to commercial.
Elimination Station Summary, Episode 12
Authored by: Dr. Rage
From Wakkanai, it's off to Guam with Alex and Elena...oh, that's right. Sixth place goes off to the Final Destination City, which is...Atlanta? Chicago? San Juan? Las Vegas? Or somewhere else? Nonetheless, we have another opportunity for a shameless AT&T plug, as Alex and Elena whip out a cell phone at the Pit Stop wit the AT&T logo conspicuously placed.
Back in Guam, the teams are huddled around a speakerphone, waiting for the news. The guesses as to who was calling? A few are saying Jeffrey and Bryan. Most of this was hope more than anything, and Hayley said that she would "hang up the phone right away" if it was the team from Ohio.
The fact that it was the team from Tennessee meant that the conversation was going to continue. Sorry, Hayley; your hot date with Bobby has to wait.
Alex tells the teams in Guam that they are calling from northern Japan after a second straight leg in the island nation. They went on to say that Jeffrey and Bryan survived a non-elimination leg, prompting about half the house to simultaneously drop an F-bomb. The house is so stirred up that I think, for a split second, Hayley actually removed her hand from Bobby's ass.
Elena went on to say that they got lost at the Roadblock and on the way to Wakkanai, which put them in last place. Even with a few opportunities to catch up, they couldn't; however, they said that Jeffrey and Bryan made it to second place. Had Carrie and Dana jumped ahead of them, the 30-minute penalty still wouldn't have helped, since Jeffrey and Bryan "are a couple of cheating bastards." When they said that, the house erupted in laughter and applause. I'm guessing that these teams won't exactly be inviting the Ohio tandem for Christmas dinner.
Elena has another announcement to make - she and Alex are officially a couple. Great, so they'll celebrate their anniversary about a day or two after Bobby and Hayley, who, against all odds, aren't going all Carrie/Derek on the house. She reads them the letter that her cousin Svetlana wrote, and she actually makes it to the end without crying. However, Alex is visibly consoling her.
Then she goes into the letter that Bryan's son, predictably named Bryan, wrote for his parents. She read about a paragraph, and before the house nodded off, she reminded them that Bryan didn't even read the letter, instead just throwing it on the ground. Alex heard him mumble, "Nothing in here from work."
Finally, Alexis stands up and shouts, "Can we talk about something other than Jeffrey and Bryan?" Alex and Elena predict that, since they finished first despite being U-Turned, Charlie and Derek were "guaranteed winners." Elena also spoke highly of Spike and Jennifer, and Alexis just has to get in, "If you see Spike, tell her I'm sorry I was a bitch." Apparently she's the only one not over it.
So after the phone call finishes out, life at the house seems to resume its normal course of action, except Reggie's in a dress, Hayley's in a bikini, and Eric and Jessica are playing against Leilani and Kea in beer pong. Oh wait - that's normal. Never mind.
Telephone call, 12/4/2008, placed at 6:50 pm
Call placed from Ann Arbor, MI to Tonganoxie, KS.
Danni: Hello?
Derek: What the hell is this?
Danni (confused): What the hell is what?
Derek (angrily): Don't play games with me. Did you think I wouldn't find out?
Danni: Find out what?
Derek: That you're screwing around!
Danni: Look, Derek, you know I'm not sleeping with anyone on the Kansas City Chiefs despite what the rumors--
Derek (sharply): This guy isn't on the Chiefs! But he's all over you! I got a video here to prove it!
Danni: A video? What the hell?
Derek: I told you I had proof!
The conversation is paused while Derek forwards the video to Danni; a few minutes later, Danni downloads the video and views it. The video is clearly of a man with a tattoo, short hair, and about two days of stubble having sexual relations with a tall brunette who looks like Danni.
Danni: This is so obviously not me; are you blind?
Derek: What the hell are you talking about? That's obviously you! The calendar in the back is dated in July! You cheated on me when I was gone! Is that why you didn't want to go with me? Is that it? You have another boyfriend?
Danni: I'm not cheating on you! That's ridiculous!
Derek: You're lying to me!
Danni: I get it now. You go cheat on me on the Race in front of everyone, but the minute some fear mongering jerks ends a fake video, all of a sudden I'm a cheater?
Derek: Excuse me? Now I'm a cheater? Do you really think I wanted her all over me?
Danni: You didn't stop her, you bitch!
Derek: Don't call me a bitch, bitch! And don't come up this weekend to Columbus!
Danni: Excuse me?
Derek: In fact, I never want to see you again!
Danni: Derek, don't do this. Look, calm down and think about this. Stop acting like a--
Derek: Never speak to me again!
Derek disconnects the call.
Back from commercial.
Phil (voice-over): On the next episode of the Amazing Race...Jeffrey and Bryan feel the pressure.
Bryan: We’re the last team that's not Solid Gold.
Jeffrey: Or what's left of it.
Phil (voice-over): Tina opens up to Jim..
Tina: I know I'm hard to understand. And I hate that.
Phil (voice-over): And Carrie makes her move.
Cut to Carrie grabbing Derek by the shirt collar.
Carrie (sternly): Shut your mouth, listen, and do what I tell you.
Voice-over: Stay tuned for an all-new CSI: Miami coming up next.
Order of finish:
1. Charlie and Derek, 4:07 pm
2. Jeffrey and Bryan, 4:22 pm
3. Carrie and Dana, 4:23 pm
4. Spike and Jennifer, 4:47 pm
5. Tina and Jim, 5:01 pm
6. Alex and Elena, 5:05 pm
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