LAST EDITED ON 07-23-04 AT 09:58 AM (EST)

The Convention

Persona Narrative by RudyRules with segments supplied by EnglProf, Dabo, Bebo, MTW1961, AugustGirl, Angelfood, BuckeyeGirl, I_AM_HE, Nailbone, brvnkrz, Jims02, and Coconut.

As the long, hot afternoon led way to a long, hot evening, the delegates for the CASH Convention began to arrive. Mercifully, the mayor of Blowsvenia, Puffy, had shut down all major thoroughfares so that the delegates could cruise into the city unfettered by traffic. Surface to Air missile batteries lined the buildings surrounding the Convention Hall as fighter planes cruised the skies above to ensure that Al Quaida and their ilk would not succeed in disrupting the proceedings.
The DEA director, Glow, made sure all delegates were provided with the best "stuff" money could buy as they entered the Convention Hall.

“Ladies, Gentlemen, and assorted animals, welcome to the CASH Convention here in beautiful downtown Blowsvenia!” roared the bellowing voice of the MC, Sherpa Dave.
A huge roar of approval arose from the gathered delegates, representing every corner of this great nation.
“As you can see,” Dave continued, “We have a very packed agenda before us. If we hope to restore proper syntax to our land, we must vote for what party?”

“The Committee Against Syntax Howlers,” screamed the crowd.

“That is correct! RudyRules and Nailbone and the rest of our CASH team will bring us victory in our Holy crusade. Besides, they promised me my pick of Hooters girls!”

“Hooters girls for all!” yelled Probably Clueless, staff guy in charge of Golden Nipples.

“Hooters, Hooters!” roared the delegates in agreement.

“Our first order of business is approval of the agenda. Our Communications director, RollDdice will lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance.”

“7 come 11, Papa needs a pair of shoes,” yelled the enthusiastic crowd.

The pledge then being recited, it was time at last for the all important opening toast.

“Fellow delegates, I, Asrai, your nominee as ATF administrator, do hereby request that you raise your glasses and drink with me to alcohol, tobacco, and firearms!”

“ATF, ATF, ATF…!”

“And now, we will hear from our keynote speaker for the evening, it gives me great pleasure to present to you, the next Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Deerhunter!”

“Thank you Sherps,
Fellow delegates, this country cannot afford another 9/11, we cannot afford to attack countries based on faulty intelligence, and we cannot afford the do-nothing policies of our esteemed opponents! No, we must have an intelligence community with vision, with integrity, and most importantly, with a large budget! RudyRules and Nailbone are the men who will give us what we need to do the job and do it right! We need CASH, now more than ever!
Do we want a candidate in the highest office in this land who has the intelligence of a slab of dead pork?"

“NO!” roared the crowd.

“Do we need a vice president who will try to weasel out of any situation?”

“NO!”

“Who do we need!?!”

“RUDY, RUDY, RUDY!” the crowd chanted.

"That’s right ladies and gentlemen, we need intelligence in the White House and intelligence in the spy community. Vote CASH and make intelligence intelligent again!"

The delegates applaud wildly, whistling and stamping their feet.

“And now, your future Secretary of State: Jims02!”

“Fellow OTers and Americans everywhere, here at the State Department, we have been working around the clock to make the Forums a peaceful place. Peace talks between the Survivor Fanatics and Bashers have been taking place since early this year. Both sides had made a reasonable amount of progress. However, after countless role-play activities, both parties agreed that the other party was wrong and began throwing fuzzy slippers at each other.
These fuzzy slippers violate Fuzzy Things Regulations, Article 26, which states that fuzzy slippers may be used only for fashion purposes. The Department of Defense may have to consider a War Against Fuzzy Slippers if we cannot achieve peace.
I also urge OT to diversify. I feel that we are not reaching out to the preteen community at full capacity. I encourage all of you to use "w00t" at least 6 times daily. In addition, I feel it is equally important to restate such witty, articulate phrases as "g2g" and "tyvm." Due to our giant surplus of exclamation marks, feel free to end all of your statements excitedly!!!!!!!!!!! This way, I feel that we can further diversify for a greater, more rounded OT.
Next month, I plan on beginning peace talks with Bermuda, Jamaica, Maui, Cancun, and Miami Beach. See you then! g2g, Jims
-CASH Secretary of State”

“g2g, g2g, g2g…!”

Arsai then stepped to the podium.
“Delegates, a toast to parties! “Jims DID mention parties, right? Yes, tip your glasses to parties!”

The crowd, being in a party mood, chanted as one, “CASH loves parties, CASH loves parties, CASH loves parties!!!”

“As we all know the NBA is a stinking mess! Give it up for the next Commissioner of Basketball. Delegates, I give you Bebo!”

“Ahem...is this thing on?
Well, the current administration doesn't want to talk about the state of the NBA because, well, can you blame them? Let's take a look at the most recent turn of events:
- In the NBA finals, the high-priced crybaby thugs got their butts whooped by the low-rent crybaby thugs.
- The most powerful man in the NBA is a kid who can't keep his pants zipped up.
- The high-priced crybaby thugs thought their savior would be a coach from (gasp) Dook. The only fun part of that whole debacle was that someone told Kobe 'no', and there was nothing he could do about it.
- Speaking of Dook, look at what that lying sack of wasted space called Carlos Boozer just did to the Cavaliers.”

The crowd went wild: “Dook Sux, Dook Sux, Dook Sux!”

“Do I need to continue? I think not. The league is obviously a bigger joke than Fox's fall lineup, and a change in leadership is sorely needed. The commissioner's office needs a leader who has a whip and knows how to use it. The commissioner's office needs someone who knows how to enforce guidelines and who can ignore the pompous blowhards who think they're above following the rules. The CASH Administration recognizes needs like these and addresses them, instead of sweeping the problems under the rug and hiding them with huge salaries and coaching changes.
Vote for change...vote for CASH.
Thank you.”

“Bebo, Bebo, Bebo…!"

“And now, YOUR future DAW Czar, BuckeyeGirl!”

“Ok, everyone, lets here it for the Cash administration!” Let me hear that cheer!!"
"That was good, but lets try it one more time, a little louder so everyone in the other forums can here us!”
“That was great everyone!!!” Now you’re probably wondering what in the heck a DAW Czar is; no it’s not some evil tyrant dictator who watches your every move…or fights the war on drugs. The DAW Czar can be whatever you want it to be? Need a thresd hijacked? Need to find that obscure archive? Look no further! Need a smile, hug or someone to talk to? The DAW Czar is here for you! Have a milestone to celebrate? Want to shout out to someone? Have a question that needs to be answered? You know were to turn to! Vote for the CASH Administration for a change!"

“DAW, DAW, DAW…!”

“Delegates: Our nominee for Postmaster General, a man who needs no introduction, MTW1961!”

“Thank you Dave,
Elect Rudy! As Postmaster General, I will ensure prompt, safe delivery of properly posted letters and packages to all who voted for the RudyRules ticket.
Also, I will ensure low rates and preferential handling of any and all packages containing oversized inflatable fruit.
It will be my further goal to broaden the applicability of federal mail regulations to include the internet, and further broaden its powers to prohibit actions and words which could be construed as mocking, derisive, condemning, or critical of our newly elected chief executive, RudyRules!”

“MTW, MTW, MTW!”

Asrai grabbed the microphone and proposed yet another toast. “Neither rain nor sleet, nor booze…”

“BOOZE, BOOZE, BOOZE” the partying crowd screamed!

“Considering the temperature out there, our next speaker is particularly appropriate. Delegates, I give you AugustGirl!”

“As Secretary of Summer for the CASH party, I vow to provide every American with sun, sand, sunscreen, and plaid golf pants. There will be hot dogs on every grill, beer in every cooler, and fireflies in every yard.”

“BEER, BEER, BEER!” the delegates roared as one!

“Summer is the time for baseball, picnics, and the incredibly weird but cute Six Flags Dancing guy. I vow to make sure every American gets the entire summer off to enjoy these things and more.
In the words of that great American rock bank, The Go-Gos:
‘Vacation, all I ever wanted; vacation, had to get away.’
Summer is not just a time to goof off, it's a state of mind.
I am AugustGirl and I approved this message. Now, go put on your sunscreen. And take a vacation. But don't forget to vote for CASH.”

“AG, AG, AG!”

“A toast to summer…and alcohol!” shouted Asrai.

“And now, the man who will put into motion the policy of Rudy and Nailbone to boldly go where no man has gone before: Our future NASA director: Dabo!”

“My fellow Blowhemians blowhemians blowhemians...
Today we stand at a critical time in our history our history our history...
I would ask you all to take a moment to consider our Pluvian Project and think big think big think big
One candidate has had the foresight to realize that Pluto is a frozen ball of water waiting to be mined for the benefit of all humanity all humanity all humanity
We can turn deserts into Gardens of Eden if only we all can get into thinking big picture big picture big picture
Who knows what we can achieve after that, space holds the key to our future our future our future
Why, we might even push gas giants into the sun eventually and maybe in five billion years it won't explode won't explode won't explode
So, at this critical juncture in human history, I ask you to support the future of humanity of humanity of humanity
We have the means to be the luckiest generation on the face of the earth the earth the earth
Do we have the guts to realize our potential potential potential
It is up to you, I call upon each of you at this time to think big think big think big
Support the future! the future! the future!
Thank you! thank you thank you”

“Space, the final frontier!” Bellowed the inebriated crowd.

"And now, CASH’s own nominee for National Security Advisor:
Angelfood Rice!"

“Delegates,
I come here tonight to speak on several topics but will make it brief.
* OT Love:
We recommend many smooches, smooshes, hugs & hearts. Love thy brother. And sister. And mother's third cousin, once removed. And thy favorite Survivor player.
* Education Reform:
This includes knowledge, discussion and good grammar The President has set a new national goal: to ensure that every newbie poster reads the guidelines and is ready for the Real World of adults who use good grammar on the Internet.
* Spam:
(the Good and the Bad) It is of great importance to OT security that only (pic of Spam) is passed around. All other spam posted or passed around shall be threadjacked immediately.
* Global Communications:
It is vital to the success of OT that we keep good relations with those territories outside of OT and encourage diversity (TAR, BB, or LCS). Well, at least pretty good relations, I_AM_HE will discuss this further in his speech.
* Faith-based Initiatives:
The people are free to admire, worship and have faith in their fellow posters. Or even a 3 ft. banana. They may gather in the bar for fellowship and laughs.

Let us also respect and be grateful for the Blue Peeps Security that has allowed us our freedoms and protection.
I thank you all for your support.”

“Angel, Angel, Angel…!”

Sherps stepped back up to the podium, wine glass in hand and announced the next speaker.
“And one of my all time favorite appointees, our official Wine Gopher, a toast to Knockers!”

“Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am Knockers your official Wine Gopher. *hiccup* *stumble*
It is my responsibility to watch over the wine cellar.*hiccup* *stumble*
I have been keeping a close eye on the wine and I know who has been dabbling *hiccup* and who has not.*hiccup* *stumble*
Here are the issues and where I stand. *plop* *face first at the podium*
*the crowd rushers over to Knockers*
*cabinet members slap her face, pour water on her, take her pulse*
Fellow cabinet member: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that cabinet member Knockers has passed out due to intoxication."

Crowd: *gasp*

Knockers was carried away on a stretcher to a room where she was given coffee intravenously.

“Ladies, germs, and assorted cats, dogs, and other… hic… animals, let’s hear it for our soon to be Grammar Fuhrer, EnglProf!”

“Grammar, grammar, grammar!”

“Today, I'm proud to be a part of the RR/Nailbone platform.
These are two men who, in a combined 13,700 posts, have always taken the time to eliminate pesky grammar and spelling errors from their own posts.
Now, as Grammar Fuhrer, you probably think that my role would be to point out and mock others' errors. Not so. The 'Fuhrer' in 'Grammar Fuhrer' is misleading. I, personally, don't believe in correcting OT grammar. OT is for fun, and sometimes for sad, and OT should stay that way.
So vote for RR and Nailbone, for an OT that's grammatically healthy and happy.
Thank you,
Your Grammar Fuhrer”

“Fun and grammar, fun and grammar, fun and grammar!”

“I am proud to introduce the man who is THE MAN! Here HE is, our next Secretary of Defense, I_AM_HE!”

“Thank you Dave and my fellow delegates. First, I would like to name Reggie White as my Assistant Secretary, for obvious reasons.
Not only do we face the obvious threats on the world stage and to the United States as a whole, but we face severe threats in our own OT-dom. None of the other candidates are discussing these serious issues but the CASH team knows the importance of OT defense.
In cooperation with the Sec. of State, the National Security Advisor, and the Dep. of Homeland Security, I have made a color-coded chart as to threats to the Realm of OT-dom. As you can see, color-coded red is what I like to call the "Axis of Stupid" - the AI forum, the Paradise Hotel forum, and the Real World forum (ok, I only wander into the RW forum by accident, so I can't accurately say how stupid they really are, but I just really really hate that show. Plus, these lists work much better in 3s). Color-coded aquamarine are more moderate threats, such as Survivor and Kenneth Jennings. To combat these threats, I propose digging a large moat around the OT forum to be infested by sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads. I also propose a "Get to know your Forum neighbors" campaign, in which the OT army will choose a day on which to Shock and Awe our less fortunate forums with a display of posting unrivaled in the history of DAWdom (or until Webby gets mad at us, whichever comes first). I thank you Mr. future President, and the good people of OT, in supporting these efforts to make OT a safer place, and RTVW a better world. - I_AM_HE, Sec. of Defense to President RudyRules of OT and these United States of America!”

“HE man, HE man, HE man…!”

“Time to hear from our Secretary of Discipline, a woman who I would never consider crossing, our very own Coconut!”

“Good evening fellow delegates, I will get right to the point!
Do what we say, or *whack* ”

“Ladies and...burp…Gentle…gentle..guys, tis time to nominate the next President and Vice… vice, Veep of the United…hic…USA!”

“USA, USA, USA!”

“Mr. Speaker, the great state of Alabama hereby casts all of its votes for the next President and Vice President of the US of A for…RudyRules and Nailbone!”

RR, NB, RR, NB, RR, NB!”

And on it went until…

A hush fell over the crowd, delegates whispered, is it really him? Could it be?”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, yes, it is I, a certain Dawg, casting all of Georgia’s votes for our CASH team, RudyRules and Nailbone!”

“RR, NB, RR, NB, RR, NB!”

Sometime later, Sheila, the lovely chief delegate for Tennessee announced, “The Volunteer state delivers all of its delegates to our next president, RudyRules and I volunteer to deliver myself to the oval office any ole time he wants me. <wink>”

“Ladies and guys, the final state, Wyoming!” shouted Dave, who by now had sobered up slightly.

“The Cowboy state makes it unanimous, casting its votes for the next President and Vice President of these United States, a man who loves us all but, as that great American Rudy Boesch would say, not in a homosexual way…RudyRules and a great cowboy…Nailbone!”

“Rudy, Rudy, Rudy…Boner, Boner, Boner!”

“Delegates, The next Vice President of the USA and OT-dom…Nailbone!”

<Thunderous applause>

“Greeting, my fellow ‘Merkans!! It is with great pride that I stand before you, beside this great individual, RudyRules.

<ovation, cheers of “Rudy, Rudy, Rudy…!”>

Y’all heard all the ideas that the CASH Party...and I do mean PARTY!!!

<Cheers, whoops, hollers>

...will bring to our beloved OT and all of this great country. But, unlike others who come with empty promises, we come with concrete plans to implement these ideas. And with lard-filled fats!!

<More long ovation, cheers, etc.>

Tonight, y’all met some of the fantastic folks that we’ve recruited to help put these plans into motion. And it is with the utmost faith in them that I stand with Rudy to accept your nomination!

<Another long ovation>

God bless you, God bless OT, and God bless America!!!”

“Nailbone, Nailbone, Nailbone…!”

“And now, without further ado, it is my great pleasure to introduce to you OUR CASH nominee for President of the USA and all of OT-dom! The man who will make this a better place for all of us! Ladies and Gentlemen, RUDYRULES!”

“Rudy, Rudy, Rudy…!”

“Good evening to you my fellow delegates and fellow Americans. I stand before you humbled by the support you have shown me over the past several months. Together we have traveled to every corner of this great nation, bringing our message of hope to the downtrodden, freedom to the oppressed, tax freedom to the over-taxed, lvoe to the lvoe-less, HIGS to the HIG-less, and proper grammar to the illiterate! My friends, together we will prevail!”

<10 minute standing ovation>

“The CASH platform as you all know, calls for the abolition of Ebonics, spelling and punctuation lessons starting at 6 months of age, a chicken in every pot and pot in every chicken, and the freedom to party! We have assembled the greatest pool of talent ever to serve in the history of this great country. We share the optimism of the American people. We share the values of the American people. And we pledge to provide cabana boys and Hooters girls to all OTers!”

“Cabana boys, Hooters girls…!”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, fellow OTers, Americans of every race, color, and creed, I, RudyRules, do hereby accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States of America! God Bless you all and God Bless our great country!”

“RudyRules, RudyRules, RudyRules…!”

15 minutes later…

The delegates arose and sang a rousing chorus of “America” followed by the semi-official CASH anthem, “Take this job and shove it” led by “The Singing Secretaries”: Secretary of State: Jims02, Secretary of Animal Welfare: SnoopySucks, and Secretary of Discipline: Coconut.

Suddenly, a shot rang out!
“Oh My Heck! Was he hit?!?” scream several delegates at once…

The quick thinking security team headed up by Secretary of Discipline Coconut, Commissioner of Baseball Green Monstah, NFL Commissioner Sittem and Rear Admiral for Underwater exploration DSpunk wrestled the gunman to the ground.

“Hey, what you doin’? I ain’t workin’ fer any udder candidate, ‘specially not no AKim or whatever ‘er name is!” Muttered the assailant.

“AH HA! We know she’s trailing badly in the polls. This is truly an act of desperation!” proclaimed Coconut as she administered several well placed WHACKS while the Ambassador to Fiji, Okaloosajohn, beat him senseless with his ever present brass knuckles.

“Honey, I remembered to duck,” said Rudy as he dusted himself off and strolled back to the podium.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I, as your nominee, won’t let a little thing like this keep me down. Oh no! We will prevail! This campaign will go on! I lvoe you all!”

“RUDY, RUDY, RUDY…!” roared the crowd.

The drunken revelry lasted well into the wee hours of the morning. A banana was seen being passed among the delegates; photos of the banana and several delegates were taken. Said photos are reportedly making the rounds of certain disreputable internet porn sites…

The rest of the story… to be determined in November!

(Edited for formatting)

Flight plan by RollDdice