LAST EDITED ON 01-21-04 AT 08:59 PM (EST)Author's note: It's really hard to write a mystery because you really don't know how obvious the solution is going to be. I mean, it's very obvious to me, but I have no idea if it will be to you. I hope you enjoy it. I know I enjoyed writing it.
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OK, IceCat, deliver the goods to my winter home in Indiana. Don't try any funny stuff, bud. I really mean it. Make sure ya got the cel with you, or I won't recognize you. Don't be late, or I'll release the hounds, and you're outta a job.
Cheers! 
-Jims
IceCat read over the e-mail transcript and filed it away in his leather briefcase. He had never actually delivered any of his artwork by hand before. Usually, he would click the Send button, and away it would go. But no. Jims was different. He didn't trust the internet system.
"Oh well," he thought optimistically. "At least I get a free cross country trip to beautiful Indiana..."
He paused for a moment and stared at the charter bus. It was silver and had a big banner with a picture of a strongman on one side. He had never heard of the Hercules Bus line before, and he'd certainly never ridden on one. Also, charter buses always tended to make him a little claustrophobic. The idea of sitting in a plush seat for three hours bothered him. Some obnoxious kid sitting behind him, kicking his seat, while his feet become attached to the sticky floor... Watching bus classics such as "Dude, Where's My Car?" and "Clueless"...
"Do you want me to take your briefcase below, sir?" the bus driver asked.
"NO!" he replied sharply. He glanced at her name tag. "I mean, no thank you... Miss... Hello My Name Is Bebo"
"Just Bebo." She rolled her eyes.
"No thank you, Bus Driver Bebo," he corrected, regaining composure. Funny. He had to admit, "Bus Driver Bebo" had a certain ring to it.
He finally boarded the bus and found his seat in the second row. His seat was on the aisle. A young woman occupied the seat next to the window. IceCat breathed a sigh of relief. He was worried that he would have to sit back by a some ogre who hogs the arm rests. This young woman didn't seem to pay any attention to him though. She was listening to an Eighties Hair Bands CD, and punching the seat in front of her to the beat of the music.
As he sat down, the young woman turned up the volume on her headphones. She abruptly turned to him. "I LOVE THIS SONG!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, right into his face.
His ears ringing, IceCat asked gently, "You know, maybe it would be better if you turned down your music please?"
"WHAT?" The girl was hysterical.
"Turn down your music," he repeated, a little louder this time.
"WHAT?" The girl turned the volume up on her music. How could she hear when IceCat kept interrupting?
A voice called out over the intercom, "TURN. OFF. THE. FREAKING. MUSIC." It was Bus Driver Bebo. She was trying to get through her obligatory welcome speech. "Welcome to Hercules Bus Lines... brak brak brak... Nonstop to Indiana... brak brak brak... Hold on tight, or you'll go out the window."
"But I can't open the windows," said a man in back named Pepe.
"Do you want me to open them? Because I got a Louisville Slugger in the bathroom." she threatened, smiling gaily.
"No, ma'am." Pepe replied meekly, as Bebo fired up the bus.
After the announcements, the girl turned to IceCat again. "The name's Julia," she said, "but all my friends call me Slicey."
"My name's IceCat," he told her.
"Funny name, must be Russian or something," she said profoundly. "Why do ya keep clutching that briefcase like that?"
"Oh." IceCat didn't realize how noticeable his actions were. "Well, I'm transporting something special for a client."
"Are you?" Slicey responded interestedly. She had never met a Russian before.
IceCat opened the briefcase. Inside was a clear animation cel with a graphic on it. It was beautifully done. The green and black ink sparkled in the sunlight.
"I'm in the Signature Business," he explained. "Rich, eccentric billionaires order these signatures to express themselves."
"Sounds like fun. I should try going into the business some time."
"It's fun, but it's a lot of work. This one is for a particularly eccentric guy, Jims, as you can see. I have to deliver it on time, because Jims is a very tyrannical about punctuality. I only get paid when I deliver the goods, and if I'm late, I won't get the thousand bucks."
"Hey! Lemme see that!" shouted a woman across the aisle, snatching it out of IceCat's hands. MandyM was always a fan of pop art, and she really wanted to see it. A large crowd circled the seat.
"Isn't it great, Breezy?" one exclaimed.
"Oh, I love the colors, Kim," another replied.
"Kim?" wondered IceCat loudly. "I know another Kim who looks just like you!"
"Um, yeah, that's me," Kim responded, bewildered. "I'm another Kim."
"No, I mean another Kim," IceCat explained.
"Are you trying to start trouble? I'm the only another Kim I know." Kim was getting impatient.
"You're saying that you're there's no other Kim in the world?"
"Oh, I'm sure there's an other Kim, but there's not another Kim."
This statement gave IceCat a headache. He reached for some Tylenol.
The man sitting behind was reading an Agatha Christie novel quietly. Noticing all this commotion, he suddenly leaned forward. "Nice work, man," he said, shaking hands with IceCat. "The name's Sleeeve. That's my business partner Draco over there." Sleeeve pointed the man next to him, who was sleeping peacefully.
"Crazy Harry Potter fans," IceCat thought. He swiftly grabbed the signature out of Mandy's hands and filed it away into his briefcase again.
The intercom was buzzing again. "ATTENTION. We will be taking a short one hour bathroom break. If you do not go now, you will just have to pee out the window, cuz you ain't using the bathroom on the bus."
"But we can't open the windows," Pepe pointed out.
Bebo slowly walked over and punched a hole in his window with her fist. "There. Now you can," she said, winking at him.
IceCat smiled. There was something evil, yet fun about his bus driver. It made him LOL. Not quite LMAO or ROFL, but almost. Just LOL for now.
On that note, all the passengers got off the bus and headed into the Dweez-E-Mart. Bebo hurried off to the ladies' restroom, leaving the bus door cracked open...
IceCat looked around the convenient store at all the different people. Kim and Slicey were strolling down the candy aisle, grabbing Swoops for friends back home. Kinda weird. They were both filling their shopping bags with wrappers with the numbers 69 and 100 on them. They reached for one, but missed.
Somewhere, off in the distance, they thought they heard a "NO... SWOOP... FOR... YOU..." but they figured the bus fumes must have been getting to them.
Breezy was looking at a Travel Surgery Kit. Funny. Wearing the stylish blue jeans, she didn't appear to be a respectable doctor... IceCat always pictured physicians wearing their white lab coats. Pepe was looking at a crossword, wondering about a three letter acronym for Jerri Manthey or Jon Dalton. Mandy was buying a Scratch and Win lotto ticket.
"Look, I'm older than 18... you weasel!" Mandy exclaimed.
"EXCUSE ME?" the man replied, pointing to his nametag. "It's Devious Weasel, and you're gonna have to show a signature or something if you're gonna play the lotto."
Realizing she forgot hers, Mandy bought some smokes instead.
"Have a lovely day!" Devious Weasel said, winking at her.
"Crapweasel..." she muttered.
Sleeeve and Draco were near the back of the room, looking at the display window. They were having a special post-post-post-New Years Spam Sale. They both reached for the same can of Spam.
Draco tugged at it. "What are you doing?" he asked loudly.
"I'm buying the last can of Spam," Sleeeve replied.
"But I lvoe Spam! I can't live without it!" Draco pleaded.
"I saw it first." Sleeeve waved his finger in his face.
"Don't wave your finger in my face."
"I will always wave my finger in your face."
That's when it happened. Draco punched Sleeeve in the jaw, and Sleeeve fell to the ground like a bag of potatoes. Kim and Slicey ran over to them, calling Breezy. She didn't seem to notice. She was helping Pepe with his crossword. Kim bent down to check on Sleeeve. He wasn't moving.
"I can't believe it..." Draco said, shaking. "I was... I was... just trying to get the Spam... and now I killed him..." Draco's teeth chattered uncontrollably, like maracas at a Mexican fiesta.
Kim slapped him across the face. "Don't be melodramatic," she said. "He's obviously breathing. You just knocked him out."
"Okay, okay... It's all right," Slicey said soothingly. "You come with me and we'll clear this all up. Pepe, you come too." She led him away to the storage room. Pepe threw down his crossword in frustration and followed.
Mandy and IceCat approached the scene. "Shouldn't we move him or something?" IceCat inquired nervously.
"Yeah," said Mandy. "Let's take him to the bathroom and get some cold water on him."
Mandy, Kim, and IceCat carried Sleeeve around to the bathrooms in the back. It was not an easy task. The bathrooms were outside, and they had trouble getting through the front door. After dropping him three or four times, they finally reached the bathroom. Kim knocked on the ladies' room.
"Go away," replied Bebo. "Bus drivers have Union rights you know."
They dragged Sleeeve to the men's room, which was empty.
"Oooooohhh... The men's' bathroom," Kim exclaimed, giggling. "Look, it's a urinal." More giggling.
"What do we do now?" IceCat inquired, not amused.
"Maybe we should get a pack of ice," Mandy said. "You know... Stop the swelling or something."
"Isn't Breezy a doctor?" IceCat asked. "We can go find her too."
They departed to their various chores.
Meanwhile, Slicey and Pepe were having trouble with Draco.
"Draco, this kind of thing happens all the time... Heck, I once punched a guy for calling me an Arts and Crafts Major," said Slicey.
"Yeah," Pepe agreed. "He'll wake up and it'll all be fine! Here, have a crapbasket I just made. It'll make you feel better."
"Thanks," said Draco. "Do you think he'll press charges for assault?"
"Probably not," Slicey remarked. "Just give him that 'If You Press Charges I Will Hit You Again' look."
While this was happening, Breezy was having an argument about lottery tickets with Devious Weasel, when IceCat approached.
"Breezy, you gotta help," IceCat explained. "Sleeeve's unconscious."
"Wait a sec, I gotta get my lotto on," she told him.
"Hurry!"
After about two minutes of arguing, Breezy realized she wasn't gonna get her way, so she just bought some cigarettes instead.
Kim and Mandy were having trouble with the ice. They only needed a little ice, but the Dweez-E-Mart sold it by the hundred-pound bag.
"Here, just cut a hole in the bag, and take out a few pieces," said Mandy. "Quick! The manager is watching us!"
Hiding behind an aisle, Kim sliced through the bag slowly and removed some ice. After a few minutes, they had the ice compress finished.
"Hey, where'd ya get that ice?" Devious Weasel asked, as they walked by.
Both women bolted, giggling wildly.
"Third time this week. I should stop letting Bebo's bus into the store," Devious Weasel remarked.
Breezy bent down over Sleeeve. "He's out, all right," she said, examining him closely. She pressed the cold ice bag against his jaw, getting a little blood on her hands.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!" she screamed. "I can't stand the sight of blood!"
She ran over to wash her hands. After that, she washed the sink thoroughly. She hated those nasty, smelly gas station sinks.
"You missed a spot," Kim teased, pointing to a red splotch on the base of the sink.
"Yeah, yeah," Breezy grumbled, wiping it clean.
Five minutes later, Sleeeve woke up.
"Was I drunk?" he asked, bewildered. "Where am I?"
"In the men's bathroom of a Dweez-E-Mart, of course," Mandy replied, as if that was the obvious answer. "Draco punched you and knocked you out."
"Oh..." Sleeeve was obviously still delusional.
"Here, have a sucker," Breezy cheerfully told him, handing him a cherry one.
"Got poutine flavored?"
Breezy sighed, and searched her bag.
IceCat glanced at his watch. One hour had finally passed. "We need to get back to the bus," he remarked. All this sucker talk was sweet, but he felt like a Dum Dum listening to it.
All of the passengers headed back to the bus. Breezy, Mandy, Kim, and Sleeeve met up with Slicey, Pepe, and Draco, who were also heading toward the bus. To their surprise, Bebo carelessly left the bus unlocked. They climbed aboard and took their seats. Except for Sleeeve. He moved to the back of the bus, away from Draco. Draco had this strange If You Press Charges, I Will Hit You Again look on his face.
IceCat opened his briefcase and screamed. "My new signature is gone!" he exclaimed.
"No it's not," Slicey explained, pointing to a clear paper.
A signature was inside:
"Hey! What's my signature doing in your briefcase!" yelled Draco fiercely. "I outta punch you... thief!"
"I'm ruined... Ruined..." IceCat muttered, ignoring him as he put his face in his hands.
"Don't worry about it. This signature is nice too... Jims will love it" Slicey said soothingly.
"He'll probably ban me for this one..." IceCat muttered sorrowfully. "I wish I were a Blue Peep."
Meanwhile, Bebo opened the bathroom door. "Geez," she said, holding a magazine, "I can never get any privacy when I'm driving the bus. I wonder if they'll care that I blocked off the bathroom just so I could read my Bus Drivers Monthly..."
She walked into the Dweez-E-Mart. She noticed a big bold sign on the counter which read, "WE DON'T SELL LOTTO TICKETS." In the corner, an ice bag was spilled all over the floor, as if an ice fight had just happened. Bebo noticed a can which Draco left in the middle of the floor and put it back on the display shelf with the others. She spied something else interesting, on the other side of the room...
"Oooohhhh... Slurpies!" she happily cried, grabbing a Big Gulp. She wasn't sure why this Dweez-E-Mart had 7-11 stuff, but she got one anyway.
She quickly boarded the bus and noticed something was wrong. Slicey wasn't listening to her music, IceCat was sobbing, and Sleeeve had a big cut on his jaw.
"Why does this always happen on my trips?" she thought. Aloud, she said, "What happened?"
Kim and Pepe explained in full detail what happened, noting every single minor point. They even pointed out what everyone was wearing and gave them Fashion Points.
Bebo thought for a few minutes and leaned over toward
IceCat. "Don't be sad," she said warmly. "I'll get the signature back for you..."
"By hitting everyone with a bat til they confess, I suppose," remarked Pepe, gazing out his broken window.
"No," she replied, with a smile, "I know exactly who did it. It's quite obvious."
"Well, I don't see the solution," said IceCat sadly. What is Jims going to think when he shows up without it? Bebo better spill the beans soon. She's such a DAW.
To be solved at a later time
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Postscript: Not to be bossy or anything, but if you think you're positive of the answer, don't ruin it for everyone. You can PM me if you want, and I can discuss it, but I'd rather formally expose the solution. You can make a bunch of random accusations though... Speculation is always welcome. Thanks for reading!
Edited for spacing.
Pookie did it.
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