My brother is getting married in two weeks. This should be a joyous occasion. I should be jumping up and down knowing that he finally found a nice, decent woman who’s brave enough to enter into a lifelong commitment with him. Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy that Mike is getting married, I’m just bummed that there will be a wedding. Actually, it’s not even the wedding that has my panties in a wad, it’s the pre-wedding celebrations that are causing my melancholy. Because in my family, there is always a wild, rowdy bachelor party and my husband Vince wouldn’t miss a bachelor party for all the ravioli in Italy; the wilder the better as far as he’s concerned.
All the guys in the family were playing it cool, pretending like they were skipping the naked festivities this time around. I knew better, so I called my sister Carol and we decided to gang up on our younger brother, Steve, to get the low down. Steve has never been the brightest bulb in the fixture, and he’s never been able to outsmart Carol and I when we tag team him. It was a matter of minutes before we had Steve broken into more pieces than Humpty Dumpty.
Armed with our information, we started to formulate a plan of attack. The party would be Friday night at 8:00 at a local strip club called Hulaboobs. I knew Steve was telling the truth because Vince had already told me that he had a “meeting” Friday night. I’m sure he knew that I’d figure out the real reason for his absence that night, but since I didn’t have a location, he thought he was safe. Ha! Never underestimate the power of a jealous wife. Carol and I decided that since Hulaboobs was a public place, we’d just crash their party. Lots of women went to see strip shows; it shouldn’t be too embarrassing, right?
I left for Carol’s house Friday evening, armed with attitude. Attitude was quickly replaced with horror as I walked in her house and saw four other women there; my cousins, Jenny and Mary; and my Aunts, Sylvia and Ruth. I quickly pulled Carol aside.
“This is what you consider stealth mode? You’ve got half the freaking family here. This is not a reunion, this is a mission!”
“Look Sandy,” Carol snapped back at me (as only a sister can do). “What was I supposed to do, tell them no? Their husbands will be there too. They want to sneak attack this party just as much as we do, so here they are. Plus, the more the merrier, right?”
“More is not what’s needed in this mission, Carol. How are we supposed to stay incognito if we go walking in there like it’s the Easter parade? Jenny is 8-1/2 months pregnant; do ya really think she’ll blend in with the crowd? Mary is dressed like a school librarian and I won’t even ask what the hell the Aunts are doing here! I could see Aunt Sylvia being ok with this; she’s a crazy loon anyhow, but Aunt Ruth? What were you thinking? She’s more religious than the Virgin Mother and you think she’ll fit in a strip joint? Oh my Gawd, this is turning into a nightmare already!”
“You need to calm down, sis. Maybe a glass of wine would help that bulging vein in your forehead. The fact is that they’re here, and they’re going with us. You can accept that and get on with the mission, or you can continue having your cow, but it won’t matter since they know where we’re going.”
In the end, I gave up and eventually we all set off in the minivan, on our way to bust some ass at Hulaboobs.
We got to the front door of the strip club and that’s when I caught my first glimpse of Wonder Woman. Oh, she wasn’t really Wonder Woman, but she may as well have been with her skinny body and pointy breasts. There was no way my 35-year-old breasts could compete with her silicone induced perfection. I was pretty sure that I hated her. She then totally knocked the wind out of my hatred by asking us all for our ID. Wonder Woman was carding us like we were a bunch of college girls. I think I liked her after all. We were all feeling pretty high on our ego boost when Wonder Woman showed us one of her many (I’m sure) special powers- ego deflation.
“Don’t flatter yourselves. It’s ladies night and I have to check your Ids to make sure none of you are a man in drag trying to get a free ride.”
Let this be a lesson kiddies, always go with your first instinct. Now I really hated her. It took Carol and Mary both to hold Aunt Sylvia back. She may be small, but she’s also wiry. And the fact that she’s lived most of her life one step away from the padded rooms made her fearless. We quickly got a shot into Sylvia’s hand and that seemed to help. I immediately went into predator mode, scanning the crowd for any sign of the boys. It was hard to tell, since every man in there had the same expression on his face. You know, it’s the one that says, “The lights are on, but nobody’s home.” In the dark, one lecherous perv pretty much looks like all the others.
I stayed to myself, away from the rest of my posse. Figuring that a bachelor party might be in a private room, I got up the nerve to ask one of the waitresses if there was a party for Mike tonight. She told me it was in room 2 and asked if I was the cake girl. Huh. Somewhere above me, a light bulb went off. This wasn’t any part of the original plan, but when opportunity was knocking, who am I to tell it no?
“Yeah,” I answered tentatively, “I’m the cake girl. Where should I go?”
“Wow, I knew they had their own girl scheduled to come, but I wasn’t expecting somebody like you. Go figure.” was her snarky response.
I should have hated her too, and I’m sure that if I would have if I weren’t so elated at having this golden opportunity dropped in my lap. She told me where to go, and although I would have liked to tell her where to go also, I’d wait until later to put my energy to hating her. Can you imagine Vince’s shock and horror when he sees me popping out of the stripper’s cake? Not that I planned to pop out naked, not with this body, at least! I did plan to maximize his embarrassment, though. I had to go find Carol and tell her about our blessing.