Samiam's Cornertime With Kismet
<Kismet is standing next to Samiam smoking a cigarette. She has a clipboard and both women are laughing. Kismet glances up to see the camera and quickly tosses her cigarette. Samiam turns around to face the corner as Kismet straightens and attempts to look professional.>
Good Evening Reality TV peeps. Apparently it is time to do another interview. Today we have Samiam in our corner.
<Sami turns around and we see that her timer reads 3:14:00. She and Kismet shake hands.>
Welcome Samiam, why are you in here on such a beautiful evening? Which of your many men sent you here?
My lawyer has advised me not to speak about the incident that resulted in my punishment, at least until the statute of limitations expires.
Oh goody another person with a lawyer. You cant swing a dangerkitty in this place without hitting one of those. Just tell us what you can Samiam..
At this juncture, I think all I can say is that it has something to do with unnatural uses of food.
<Samiam sings "I've been a bad, bad girl". Kismet glares and adds 2 hours to clock for Jerri impersonation>
As far as who turned me in....I suspect there was some sort of petition.
<Kismet flips through the pages on her clipboard and sighs.>
Ahhh yes, the petition, here it is. Wow, just about every male who frequents our bar signed this thing. JV signed it three times. The only female signature belongs to GT. You certainly have made quite an impression since you arrived among us. How did you wind up in our community and why are you still here?
I started off on the spoilers board. <Samiam hangs her head> I was a spy. My husband wrote a weekly Survivor column for his website and I did research for him. I consulted all the sites I could find with news items, spoilers, or other information and compiled it all. Between Shakes' inspired summaries, the combination of posters' personalities and the logical reasoning skills I found on the spoiler board (not to mention the higher average IQ), SB quickly became my favorite place, and most reliable source.
Eventually, I started posting, and I came to OT when what is now Blowsvivor started. What I didn't realize was the evil nature of the OT board and its addictive potential. I keep coming back now because I have no choice; I'm a junkie. You may have seen me on the street with a sign reading "Will work for 'Net access."
We always need a reliable barmaid. You know what my next question is. Who are your favorite posters and why. Wait, before you begin there is something I want to try..
<Kismet snaps her fingers and shows samiam a playing card. Sami's face goes blank, and she continues in a monotone>
Kismet is my favorite poster. She is witty and talented. Her posts make me laugh. Her posts make me cry. They are better than "Cats." I read them again and again. She is also much more attractive than I am, and her breasts are perkier.
<Samiam shakes her head violently>
Whoa! What the hell was that?! I'm sorry, did you ask me something?
<Kismet giggles maniacally>
Yes Sami I asked you.. umm.. what made you choose Samiam as a nickname?
My name comes from a character in Green Eggs & Ham by Dr. Seuss (the man...the god): Sam-I-Am. Although in retrospect it may have been a poor choice since 90% of posters initially thought I was male. Anyway, my sig pic changed all that.
<Sami grins. Kismet writes in her evil overlord notebook "Classic Overcompensation -- ego issues force her to gain attention from the male population">
Sami, it appears that the majority of our male viewers have fallen in love with you. To say the least they are incredibly jealous of your husband. Are you intentionally trying to start a war with Vampkira?
No, not at all! It's not good karma to incur the wrath of the undead. And I wouldn't say that the *majority* of the men are in love with me. It's just that the ones that ARE tend to be very enthusiastic and demonstrative. <Sami blows kisses to camera>I've just added a new flavor to the menu.
I like that analogy especially considering how you wound up here in the first place. So we know you started on the spoiler board right? Is there a theory you want to take credit for?
Yes, I did, and no, I contributed nothing of any significance. The only thing I'm proud of is that I picked Tina to win in my Picks To The End. Most of my other picks were wrong. I got more right than Mr. Sami though. <Samiam grins>
Your writing is really very good. Were you an English major or do you write often?
Thanks. I wasn't an English major though, I was a history major. I did minor in English (and psychology) for no apparent reason. I enjoy writing a great deal, and have always used it as a creative outlet for my angst. I don't have as much time/energy/juice for it as I used to, though, because babies eat brain cells.
Tell me about it.. No, don't your flirting in the bar is proof enough. You can tell us some more about yourself though.
I'm 30 and I've been married to Mr. Sami for 7 years. I am a stay-at-home mom to two sons, a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, who keep me extremely busy. I love movies, reading, and music (I play acoustic guitar, albeit badly). I also enjoy yoga; it's very relaxing and helps me center. I have an insatiable curiosity and I try to learn something new every day (yesterday it was the mating habits of African crocodiles; today...who knows?). Like many here claim to be, I'm really the shy, introverted type -- with a bit of a twist. Think of me as the prim English teacher who asks you to stay after school for private tutoring lessons. A tiger in mouse's clothing, if you will.
<Kismet rolls eyes and adds another hour to clock for sami's ego trip>
Now that we have more time, do you feel like gushing about your kids?
No offense to anyone else here who has kids, but mine are the cutest kids EVER (yes, they are!). I have a 3-year-old named Daniel who constantly tests everything, including my patience He's been deemed "spirited" which just means he's more stubborn, more intense, more persistent than most other children. He loves counting (can count to 30 in English and 10 in Spanish), puzzles, trains (or anything else with wheels), and taking things apart. Jack, who turned one last month, was a month early but has not let that interfere with becoming a future linebacker (he's a whopping 25 pounds and is also in the 90th percentile for height). He runs everywhere and is starting to pick up words quickly. He laughs at everything, and adores his big brother.
It sounds like you have your hands full. Umm here is a question that someone suggested in the bar. If you had three wishes what would they be?
I'm assuming that I couldn't wish for more wishes, right?
<Kismet nods and mumbles "greedy #####, like she hasn't watched Aladdin with her kids a hundred times">
OK, 1 - a higher pain threshold so I could get a tattoo; 2 - for ketchup to be declared a vegetable, for my son's sake and to ease my conscience; and 3 - for everyone to work towards self-empowerment and self-actualization.
You're well on your way to Miss America. Hey look we're almost done.. Is there anything else we need to know about you?
I like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. I like the sound of the ocean and the taste of champagne.<Kismet adds 30 minutes to the timer for putting that song in her head.>
I am also a clandestine member of the Lisa Society, although I think Sami suits me better.
You 'Lisa's are always clandestine, but I like Samiam better as well. Thanks for the interview, I hope to see you in the bar after you're all finished here.
<Kismet and samiam shakes hands again and Sami turns back to face the corner. The Camera pans from her face downwards dwelling longest on her legs. Kismet walks a few paces away and resumes speaking to the camera.>
This concludes the segment of Cornertime. Thank you again for joining us.