Kyngsladye zipped the garment bag and folded it in half. The bedroom door creaked open to admit a large black and brown dog and her Mediterranean companion.
“So, going to Michigan for spaghetti, Coco?”
“Yes, Hawk.” She crossed her fingers behind her back.
“I have a few days off from school and I love spaghetti. I could go with you.”
“It’s cold and snowy in Michigan. You hate the cold, remember?”
“It would only be for a couple of days. Surely I could handle the temperature,” he argued.
“Ohhhh, no. I think it’s better for you to stay here. I heard Mr. Wheezy doesn’t like other men. They put him on medication for that, you know.” She tried to appear serious as she explained.
“Well, alrighty then,” he sighed in disappointment using one of her expressions.
“I’ll bring you back some spaghetti, sweetheart.” She patted him on the shoulder and then kissed his cheek.
New York--Plaza Hotel Front Desk
“Here is your key, Miss.”
“Thank you. Ohhh, and can you send up a male masseuse to my room?” The clerk nodded. “Has Wheezy checked into her room?”
“She has not arrived yet.”
“Please tell her when she arrives to meet me at Patsy’s for dinner at 8 p.m.”
Patsy’s Famous Restaurant
Wheezy picked up her menu. “Hmmm. Dinner. Holy frijole, have you seen this menu???” *grin*
“What would you ladies like this evening,” the waiter asked. He looked at Wheezy with an encouraging smile.
“Ok. The Stuffed Artichoke, the Tre Colore Salad (this salad is not meant to offend Superman in any way), the Asparagus Parmigiana, the Roast Chicken with Herbs but could I substitute Shaker Chicken for the Amish Chicken?” The waiter nodded. “And a glass of white wine. And a glass of water. With a lime.”
The waiter turned to Kyngsladye.
“Ohhh goodness. Let me see. I would like,” Kyngsladye ran her finger over the menu, “Clams Arreganata, a House Salad with no olives please, Gnocchi with Meat Sauce and Filet Mignon Marsala, well done.
“And to drink?”
“What the hell…I’ll have a Brandy Alexander,” she giggled.
They waited until their appetizers and drinks were served before beginning the interview.
“Wheezy, how did you find SB and why did you stay?”
“Am I really still here? Wow. Actually, I found SB by typing in search words 'Survivor Spoilers'. I was in an office pool and wanted to win. I found some of the other spoiler sites as well, but really preferred the format and maturity of SB's spoiler board and the great talent of the episode writers and the humor of Bashers.
I discovered OT by chance, and I was sorta freaked out at first. I lurked for a while and almost left, because I honestly thought everybody knew each other in real life. It didn't feel bad at all--I'm not implying it seemed too exclusive--it felt like I was eavesdropping on somebody's family. It was weird, but I couldn't believe that a place like that existed. I had never explored message boards before, but there is a special closeness found here. When I discovered there was a Book Club, I called over to Mr. Wheezy and said, 'Matt, you are not going to believe this, but these people read books too.' His response was so not-funny then, but it's hilarious to think back on it. He said (in total seriousness), 'maybe it's a trick, or like a false name to trap you into one of those porno sites.' Well, I cringed as I clicked on LisaPooh's book club, and found it to be real! So I hung around, and now look at me.”
“Who are your favorite posters? Why?”
*waffles around a bit* “Well, I like everybody of course. I'm a hamster.”
“Next question.. We all have our board crushes. Who are yours?”
“Why, Mr. Wheezy of course!” *looks around* “Oh, wait...he's not here. What a good hubby, taking care of the kids while I'm gone...so, on to the other men. Well, I have a new hankering for Supes' voice. That's real nice. hm. Ok, it's true. No, not THE true, tho' I think she's nice and lovely and stuff. I mean, it's true what some of you are thinking...I have a little crush on I_AM_HE. I admit it. Yes, he's much younger...a woman can hope, right?”
“Yes, she can,” Kyngsladye agreed. “What was the funniest moment you have experienced on the board since you have been here?”
“Oh, my. There are sooooo many. I truly do laugh out loud every day. Number one still would be Sherps posting Hark the Harelipped Angels... But there are really so many times I am cracking up--that's why I stay.”
“How did you get your name (and your nicknames) for the people who don't know?”
“My real name is Lisa. My baby sister couldn't say her L's, and she called me Weesa. That evolved over time into Wheezy right about the time the Jeffersons were big--you know, George and Weezy. I recently changed my SB name--It had been fivestarwheezy, I shortened it to Wheezy.”
“Is that Sig pic really you?”
“One of them is me. The other two are imposters.”
“Tell us about your real life. Married? Kids? Where are you from?”
“Married, jes, Kids, jes. Mr. Wheezy and I have been married for almost 12 years. We have a nine year old son and a six year old daughter. We live in Michigan in the very coldness of the universe.
Last night at our house we played a new game. It's called Barf Contest. I made it up. Everybody goes to their rooms for five minutes to practice making barf noises. Then we hold a contest. Round one: Each person has 10 seconds to do their best barf noises. Two of the four go on to round two, where you have 30 seconds to do an entire barf scene. The winner gets a dollar, second place gets 50 cents. What a blast that was. Real life is like that for us. And no, I didn't win. I was the judge. Wheezyboy won, Wheezygirl came in a close second.”
“Is there anything else you would like to tell us about yourself?”
“Yes. Vote for my stories in the story competition. I want to win!!!! Oh, wait. Never mind. Um, I have a big heart and I love to laugh. Having a positive attitude the past five years has changed me significantly for the better. I occasionally give out un-asked-for advice. Why, here comes some now: Perfection is impossible. Laugh at yourself if you mess up.
Oh, and one more thing...Nookie, I tried that toothpaste on the zit thing and we have got a problem.”
“What are some of your New Year's resolutions for the SB board?”
“I'd love to see an SB'er get on Survivor. Go for it!!! More Peace, Love, Joy, Wit, and Kooky Behavior to OT! Oh, yes, and everyone please check in regularly so I know you are all ok. Moms worry, you know.”
“Would you ever want to try out for any of the reality shows? Which ones?”
“NEVER EVER EVER!! No way, no how. I couldn't stand knowing you guys were making fun of me And I couldn't be away from my computer for so long!”
“Well, Wheezy, thank you for sharing with us today. You are a beloved addition to the SB boards.” Kyngsladye flagged down the waiter. “Can you please add a bottle of champagne to my bill? I want to take it to my hotel room later.” She handed him her credit card.
The waiter looked at the silver card. “Of course, Mrs. SurvivorBlows. We’ll start chilling it now while you finish your dinner.”