EYES WIDE SLUT
For those of you who are too lazy to read this entire pile of crap that I liberally call a summary, let me just fill you in on what happens tonight in one simple sentence. Basically, Toni goes down, and I don’t mean on Greg...oh wait I almost forgot, she does that in this episode as well. All in all, a well rounded performance in the art of sucking.
The show starts with that same monotone narrative setting us up for the themes of tonight’s show. In the past we have learned about such time tested moral dilemmas as the risks in making catty remarks, how kissing two guys within the span of three minutes might not be a wise thing to do, and what might be the most important lesson we have learned from this god awful show, that never, no matter how much you might want to, never actually take the time to go to the source of a rumor to find out whether or not it is true. That would be just plain crazy.
So, as the narration roles on, we learn the big words for tonight’s show....Facade, Duplicity and Dishonesty. Well, let’s take a look at some other big words that might help us fully understand what we’ll be seeing on the program........Psychotic, Insane, Crazy fucking bitch, Severe Anger Mismanagement, Lock up all the sharp objects, Be afraid be very afraid, Chucky’s back and now he’s got a set of gigantic fake boobs, and so on and so on.
Next up is a recap of what happened on the previous episode.........
Micow stunned his whoremates by getting them before they could get him as he tossed Andrea and her annoying five-packs-a-day voice headfirst over the side of the boat into a school of blood thirsty and anthrax infected sharks ( oh wait, that was a fantasy of mine, not the actual show, but you get the idea). In Andrea’s place, Micow brought back J-Ho who came back to the boat with a single purpose...get rid of Assphony. Meanwhile, with the next vote approaching, Micow tried desperately to dig his way out of a bunker-bomb sized crater. By the way, do you guys like my use of current event related references? That’s what happens when I buy a newspaper and some jerk forgets to put in the Sports section. But, word to the wise, if I start citing to yesterday’s winning Lotto and Pick 4 numbers, please feel free to never read anything I write again. Alright, where was I...oh yeah, everyone hates Micow and there is no way he is NOT getting his fat ass voted out tonight. Which brings us to the first part of tonight’s episode......
Act I: The Greatest Comeback in Love Cruise History:
At breakfast Ralph starts us off with a voice over about Micow’s demise in the last episode, “I think the exposure of Micow’s plan awakes every person on the boat that there is a game being played and if you’re not playing it, you’re being played.” Well, I would certainly hope so considering about 40 people on the boat from Captain Stewart all the way down to the Renshaw the cabin steward were in on it with him. Then we get a flashback of Foni going off on Micow for bringing back J-Ho followed by Melissa yelling at Micow for, “playing me like the fool that I am.” Uhm, do I really need to touch that last quote...its way too easy for me.
Then we get another flashback, this one of the famous and not at all redundant “you hurt people........maliciously” comment to which Micow astutely replies in an interview, “there’s only four guys left and someone’s got to go and it might be Assphony, so he’s got continue to try and knock me down.”
As if on cue we cut to Assphony and Foni talking in their cabin where Assphony attempts to manipulate Foni into going off on Micow yet again. You know, the whole scene isn’t very sporting of Assphony cause manipulating Foni to lose her temper and look like a complete ass is about as difficult as beating Christopher Reeve in thumb wrestling match. So anyway, Assphony tells her how he doesn’t want anyone to get mad at Micow (yeah right), but he heard that Micow said that he wanted to, “kick Andrea in the ass off the gangplank.” Oh come on, like you wouldn’t have loved to see that. Foni gets all upset (shocker) and screams to Assphony, “this kid has no emotions, he does not care! So what, so he’s got a good personality that makes him a good person. I’m funny, doesn’t mean I’m the greatest thing on the planet.” Well uhmm, you really told him off there cause it sure does suck when someone gets mad at you and says you have a great personality. That can really sting. And by the way, define funny cause unless you mean “psychotic bitch who is not at all humorous in any way, shape or form” then I think you might be using the wrong word to describe yourself. Oh, and one more thing, did any of you guys notice that when she was saying that last part how she did this whole spaz thing with her hands that made her look like Jerry Lewis with Tourrets Syndrome.....now THAT was funny.
So of course, much to the “dismay” of Assphony, Foni runs out of the room and starts sprinting around the boat trying to hunt down Micow which is really funny to watch cause you know, they are ON A BOAT....AT SEA...WITH NO LAND IN SIGHT.....she probably doesn’t need to run. So, amazingly she finds Micow....and it’s a good thing she did run cause he was at least 30 feet away from her when she started out. Foni confronts Micow about the Andrea comment to which Micow readily admits saying it, but much to bewilderment of Foni, Micow decides to take the conversation a little further by confronting Foni with something she isn’t very familiar with....the truth. Says Micow, “I didn’t like being called out by the same people that were involved in it with me.” Foni responds by saying that Andrea admitted to being involved and after Micow disputes this claim and tries to explain where she is wrong, Foni responds with the time tested argument of, “Yes she did! Yes she did! Yes she did!” I don’t know about you guys, but the last time I tried that type of argument I ended up being forced to go to nap time while the other children got to finger paint. Then Micow does something no one else has been able to do on this show so far as he actually gets her to shut up by calling her out for being such a blatant friggen hypocrite, “everyone called me out and I took it, but plain and simple...those conversations, I wasn’t alone.” This is followed by a black and white shot of Micow, Andrea and Foni herself sitting in a cabin doing guess what.....plotting, conspiring, backstabbing, chewing with their mouths open and all sorts of other dastardly deeds.
Then the conversation turns to Foni telling Micow how she doesn’t want J-Ho voted off. Uhm call me crazy, but if I was a betting man I’d have to say that Foni really doesn’t need to campaign for Micow to vote for someone other than J-Ho...I’d say he’s probably got a pretty good idea of who he’s gonna toss at the next vote. Before they part ways, Foni and Micow shake hands, apparently agreeing to hate each other from now till eternity....and Micow says in an interview, “you can not take a single thing that girl does seriously....unless she’s carrying a knife cause then you better believe you better take her seriously. Every act she has you have to ask yourself if it’s a calculated move.”
Alright, I’m getting way to into this, its starting to turn into therapy.....so, let’s speed it up a little bit here......
In the Booth, we get the first inkling that J-Ho is on to how two faced Foni really is followed by her observation that Assphony is afraid now that J-Ho is aboard the ship. Then we get a shot of Assphony telling J-Ho on top of the boat that, “its not a game and anyone who tells you that is playing that game.” J-Ho responds with a simple “oh” which is basically her way of saying “whatever, now shut the fuck up you big asshole.” J-Ho laughs through a voice over, “I hope the cameras can pick up the fear in his eyes.”
Next we cut to a shot of Barren and Melissa hanging out and a voice over by Barren saying how he likes Melissa, but she has a boyfriend blah blah blah. Basically this means that there ain’t gonna be any fucking on the boat between these two so why the hell are they even wasting our time with this crap. Alright good, its over...let’s move on...
Assphony finally, for the first time on this whole show, says something that makes sense in an interview....”I have people who don’t like me.” NO WAY! Couldn’t be....not you. C’mon, say its isn’t so. On top of the boat, Assphony is holding court with Melissa, Topeka (is she still here?) and Barren...”Real is a hard thing to sit there and stare at when you’re acting like a fake ass person.” You know, since I was there let me let you in on a little secret...by this point in the cruise any time Assphony opened his mouth this is what the rest of us heard...”Blah blah blah keeping it real blah blah blah righteousness blah blah malicious blah blah blah blah blah.”
Later on that night Melissa confronts Foni about whether or not she really wants to be switched off the boat in case Jeanette gets voted out at the next jury. Foni, the liar that she is, wavers back and forth trying to avoid the issue until Melissa asks her straight out if she wants to be switched off for Jeanette. Foni, nervously spinning a can of hairspray in her hand with the expertise of a career bartender, err I mean personal trainer, replies “Do you want the truth, do you want the truth, do you want the truth,” trying to convince herself that she even knows the definition of the word. Melissa keeps pushing the subject and Foni finally admits, “There’s a little bitty part of me that wants to stay on the boat.” Well, I guess that’s kind of the truth, if of course by saying “little bitty part” she was referring to something roughly the size of the Louisiana Purchase.
At breakfast, Guido and Foni discuss today’s vote. Guido tells Foni that he is voting for J-Ho and although we at home were waiting on baited breath for Foni to insist to Ralph that he vote for her instead of her precious J-Ho, that moment never does quite come. I know, you’re shocked, as are we all. Foni then asks who Micow and Barren are voting for. Excuse me, but did she really need to ask who Micow is voting for? I mean, shouldn’t that one be kind of obvious to her. Guido tells her that she definitely has Micow’s vote, but that Barren will vote for J-Ho cause he already voted for her once, back in Episode #3, and as we all know, absolutely nothing has changed since then, right? Not. As they are talking we get a cut away to Barren and J-Ho involved in what appears to be a pleasant conversation, although I’m a little thrown off by the fact that they are sitting in separate booths, and with their backs to each other.....I half expect there to be a plexiglass sheet in between them and a couple of telephones. Unfortunately, the camera cuts away before we get to the part where J-Ho plasters her exposed breast up against the glass and cries out, “no Billy, no!” Oh c’mon, didn’t any of you people see Midnight Express?
Anyway, after discussing the vote Foni asks Guido if he wants to re-couple with her if they both make it through the vote. Guido responds, “of course” and then in the Booth confesses that he plans to ride Foni (like that hasn’t already been done a million times) all the way into the final four where, in my opinion, they don’t stand a chance against either Duke or UCLA. I’m sorry, but is it just me or does it seem that the more pissed off I get the worse my jokes get? Oh well, I’m having a lot of fun with this if that counts for anything, so let’s just move on with the hate fest.
In a different booth, Melissa asks Micow if he is done playing the game and if he is ready to get back to the old fun loving Micow (see episodes 1-3). Micow responds, “oh yeah, I’m done trying to figure stuff out, its frustrating.” Well, it might have something to do with the fact that there really isn’t anyone left on the boat who he could conspire with, even if he wanted to. In an interview Melissa says, “I had respect for Micow because he did not bring anyone down with him. He could have easily brought down three people with him which is what I would’ve done.” See, I knew watching “Goodfellas” about 574 times and adhering to its principle of “never rat on your friends” would pay off for me one day. Melissa then tells Micow that Guido is thick as thieves with Foni and wants to win with her. Hmm, is that a comeback I’m smelling?
In the Booth, Barren cements his position as the world’s leading master of all things obvious when he says, “I don’t believe for a second that Foni and Andrea really wanted J-Ho to win.” Later, he confronts Foni about the subject who responds, “if I could do that for her, if it was between me and her I’d rather it be me.” Barren tells her flat out that he doesn’t believe her and Foni responds by blah blah blahing some more. Then, in the Booth, Foni comes clean and says “I don’t know, just keep your fingers crossed out there that I don’t get voted off.” Fingers and toes, don’t you worry hon. Not.
At the jury Foni tells the ladies, “Do we even need to discuss this....Mike!” And then, we cut to an interview where Foni expounds on her hatred for Micow, “I want Micow off this boat. If I am staying I don’t want him on this boat anymore!” Well, I guess you really have nothing to worry about then. Oh shit sorry about that, got ahead of myself a little bit. Anyway, Melissa jumps in and defends Micow stating the fact that unlike some people on this show (read: everyone) when faced with adversity, Micow took it like a man and didn’t try and drag anyone down with him.
On the men’s side, Micow stays away from the hate speech and delivers a simple vote for Foni. Assphony and Guido vote for J-Ho.
Back to the girls, Melissa and Tosheba reveal that they are voting for Guido. Foni, shocked to find out that she is the only one who doesn’t like Micow and realizing she is about to get fucked, rolls onto her back and assumes the position, probably out of habit....only this time when its over, there ain’t gonna be $20 on top of the night stand.
At the guys vote, Barren explains that his vote was very easy this time and that he is voting for Foni saying, “when it comes down to it, I just think she needs to go.” As Guido stares off into the oblivion that once was his chances of winning this game, Assphony tries his best to put a positive blah blah blah on the fact that Foni is a raging fucking psychopath. Next to him, Micow shakes his head and drinks a glass of water while biting his tongue, to keep from laughing in Assphony’s face.
Now, what you didn’t’ see here cause Blatantly Massacring Programs thought it was more important to hear someone called a dead beat dad 75 times in one episode and things like that instead of actually explaining the rules to this piece of crap game, is that there IS a tiebreaker rule in place. How it works is that whichever couple wins the couples competition, both people have veto tie breaking power in their respective juries. That means that both Darin and Melissa had the tie breaking vote in their respective juries by virtue of winning the competition. Barren is the only one who had to use it since the girls vote was one for Micow, one for Assphony and two for Guido.
Back from commercials its time for the Tribal Council....
Tolanqua informs the guys that Guido is being voted out and a shocked Guido can only sit there and shake his head before saying “got me.” Sure did buddy. Barren reveals that Foni is the guys’ choice who responds with a simple “wow”. Foni and Guido stand up in front of the boat where Foni reaches over, grabs the switch card out of Melissa’s hand and rips it in half, probably cause she realizes that there is no way Mel would save her anyway. Then Foni goes and hugs and kisses Melissa cause they are such good friends and all, right? Melissa refuses to use the switch card and says, “I don’t know if you guys are testing my intelligence or my level of consciousness, but I’m here and that’s all I got to say.” Assphony nods like he actually understands what she means.
Foni continues to hug her good friend Melissa and then we cut to a Foni interview where she says, “I know Melissa, I don’t like the way she played the game and I don’t like the way she played Ralph. I don’t like her demeanor, I don’t like her attitude, I don’t like the way she plays. She cares about the money!” No way! That is sooo horrible about her, to actually care about the money that all of them are trying to win. Unlike Foni of course, who only cared about saving poor little J-Ho. Melissa responds in an interview that although she feels bad about not saving Guido, she knew that Guido would bring Foni back if he had the chance and there was no way she was gonna let that happen.. EDITORS NOTE: the best part about watching this episode Tuesday night with Ralph, Bob, Melissa and Jeanette was seeing Ralph realize after a year that it wasn’t Melissa who screwed him over, but his own stupid allegiance to Toni that did him in.
PART II: The Juice is Loose
At the re-coupling ceremony, Barren sticks with Melissa, Micow sticks with J-Ho and Tomeko gets stuck with Assphony. In the cabin, Assphony blah blah blahs some more to Tomeko about battling insanity with reality or some other useless crap like that...then, realizing that his only two allies are off the boat, he tries the old “I need this money more than anyone else here” line. Damn, quit begging already.
Later on that afternoon we have the ever exciting and not at all pointless Hot Seat. Oh, but today is a “special” round of Hot Seat and although we all secretly yearn that means that they have somehow added a high powered turbo charged eject button to spice things up, instead we learn that by “special” all they really mean is that instead of anonymous questions we will have an open forum town hall meeting styled Hot Seat. Wow, I can hardly wait. Anyway, Barren gets up there first and Micow uses the opportunity to ask him Barren to talk about Micow’s favorite subject, Micow. Who cares cause the Hot Seat is a big waste of time, kind of like the entire “game” aspect of this whole show. So, let’s just skip most of it.
The only interesting part was when Assphony got in the seat and everyone took turns railing on him. First Barren calls him out for not voting for Foni at the jury...Assphony tries to say that he never knew Foni was such a belligerent, lying psychopath, but Melissa jumps in and breaks him down quicker than you can say “who ordered the Code Red?!”
Next up comes the surprise of the series as J-Ho gets on the Hot Seat and reveals that Foni tried to bribe J-Ho to leave the boat. A tearful J-Ho says, “she asked me to tell the guys that I wanted to leave so that her and Ralph could win and that she would give me $20,000 when her and Ralph won. I’m very hurt by that situation and I’m glad she’s gone.” Aren’t we all, aren’t we all.
After commercials, J-Ho and Assphony talk about the bribe and as Assphony lies to J-Ho about being on her side he voice overs, “I don’t think that was a bribe, I think it was competition and what a good strategist is gonna do is try and remove the competition around him.” Okay, so under that logic the next time a drug dealer gets busted for paying off the cops to bust all the rival drug dealers in the hood, us lawyers can just go into Court and tell the judge, “But, your honor, that wasn’t a bribe, my client is only guilty of being a good strategist.” I’ll be sure to let you guys no how that defense holds up, as well as the results of my malpractice suit which is sure to follow. Or maybe I could just “strategize” some front row Lakers tickets to the jury and skip the defense altogether.
Anyway, next up we finally get to see some long awaited footage of Loser Island and its pathetic inhabitants. Ralph and Foni show up and as a shocked group of morons, I mean losers, gather around, Foni starts doing what she does best....well, besides that, I mean the other thing she does best, you know, lying. Foni tells Leasta and Gina (who?), “I gave up my spot for Jeanette.” What is wrong with this idiot? I have a news flash for you Foni, you see that guy standing in front of you holding that big black metal thing over his shoulder? Well, that metal thing is called a camera, and those cameras have a little feature on them called “record”. You might want to think about that next time you go on national TV and blatantly lie your ass off. Anyway, one good lie always follows another, or in this case how about several good lies as Foni continues to make an ass of herself, “Micow pulled this scandal out, Melissa voted Ralph off and Barren voted me out. Melissa’s playing the whole entire game and she’s winning.” No way, Melissa you dirty dog you! How dare you enter into a game and then have the nerve to actually play it? You are a horribly wretched person and I feel dirty all over just for knowing you. Anyway, Foni continues on, “I gave up my spot for Jeanette to stay...they were getting ready to vote her out and I told the guys that I wanted to leave instead. Sideshow Bob (who again?) shows that sometimes it is the dumbest person that gets kicked off first by responding, “really, that’s very cool of you.” Then after bashing Melissa a little more Foni suddenly wises up and realizes that its been a whole three episodes since she had sex on national tv so she grabs Greg by his nearest appendage and drags him straight into the nearest room, broom closet or drainage ditch she can find.
You know, Gina (who?) may be the Queen of Loser island, but Foni is the only one who has her own servant as we get a shot of Foni’s bitch Andrea braving a tropical monsoon to deliver a post coitus cup of coffee to Foni. Foni opens the door about two inches (after being with Greg she knew exactly how to measure it) and reaches out and grabs the cup from Andrea. Then, after about a second goes by we hear Foni scream, “What, you expect me to drink this coffee hot!” and then she throws the rest of the steaming coffee into Andrea face. Andrea, happy to receive any attention whatsoever from her master gleefully skips away singing to herself, “she likes me, she really likes me.”
Next up we go back to the people still playing this game as its time for the Couples Competition. Okay, I’m sure you all saw it so I don’t need to rehash how stupid this was. Basically, after spending three weeks (don’t believe the on-screen calender) playing this game the final two couples are going to be decided by which two pairs can do the best impersonation of the Juicemaster by Renco. Seriously, how stupid was this? Not that I’m complaining or anything give the way it ends, but it was soo anticlimactic to see Assphony lose like this instead of getting his ass so rightfully voted out. Anyway, Micow and J-Ho use their girth advantage to secure a spot in the finals alongside Barren and Melissa, while Assphony and Tornado are left to ride off into the Aruban sunset (don’t worry, they’ll be back in about three minutes). In an interview Topicachu says, “We lost. We feel fine about it I think were the best losers so far.” I don’t know, with so many losers in this game to choose from that could be quite a debate. Anyway, each winning couple is given switch card envelope, but are not allowed to open them until later.
PART III: The Bloodiest Beach since Normandy
Back on Loser Island everyone is excited because today they get to go vote on the winning couple which means only one thing.....some much needed camera time for this forgotten lot of near-miss media whores. Says Leasta, who obviously has read “Bad Foreshadowing for Dummies” cover to cover, “I am hoping that everyone can put their hostilities behind and not have any hard feelings and just have a good time.” Uhm, good luck with that.
Foni, who has a Masters Degree in the art of being a bitter spiteful bitch tells Gina and Leasta that, “Melissa’s not winning..she’s conniving as hell and I think J-Ho deserves it.” Gina, who trumps Foni by having a PhD in the same category agrees that, “there is no way Melissa is winning, she’s not getting my vote.” Well, that makes sense cause Melissa really did a lot to Gina on this show, right? Then, they take a break from the Melissa bashing to rip on Micow a little bit as well, realizing to their own horror that a vote for J-Ho is also a vote for Micow.
Back on the beach, Just-Him asks the final four if any of them expected to make it this far. They all say that they did not and Micow reveals that, “my friends back home all thought I’d be off the boat in three hours.” Then Just-Him announces that the entertainment has arrived and as if on cue (actually it was), Sideshow Bob leads the parade of losers onto the set. Hugs and bad Sideshow Bob jokes are exchanged and then its time to open the switch cards. This time, the person with the switch card has the power to get rid of their partner in exchange for anyone of the losers. Barren and Melissa go first and Barren ends up with the card. Next up, J-Ho and Micow open their envelopes and when it is revealed that J-Ho has the card Foni, Andrea and Laura (who?) erupt with such joy that you half expect them to start screaming “the Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!”
As Micow says in an interview, “J-Ho wins the switch card and immediately the rats start forming their march.” He wasn’t lying as Foni, Andrea and Laura scurry over to J-Ho and start squeaking to her about getting rid of Micow. Next we see Micow and J-Ho standing over by the lunch buffet and then Laura, re-enacting a scene from 5th grade which isn’t too hard for her since she was probably there about two years ago, comes over and grabs J-ho by the arm and leads her away saying, “c’mon J-Ho do you want to sit with us?” J-Ho decides to sit with Micow much to the shocking surprise of Andrea and Foni. Foni tells Andrea, “I don’t mind that I sacrificed my spot for J-Ho” to which her rat sidekick responds, “yeah, me too.” Uhm, excuse me....”sacrificed your spot”, seriously, what is wrong with these two delusional idiots? My only explanation is that when you lie this much in your daily life you must start to actually believe your own lies...either that, or you just end up losing track of all the lies you told so you can’t help but constantly contradict yourself and the truth. Aww, who cares, it ain’t worth wondering about....let’s just leave it at they both suck and just move on.
Later, Assphony decides to stir the pot once again with Foni so he goes over to her table and hints at the fact that everyone knows about the bribe, “let’s just say the word bribery came up with your name after you left.” Foni, which in Latin means “guilty”, wants to know more about this bribery allegation. Assphony won’t get into specifics and walks away, but not before raising Foni’s internal thermometer from simmer to boil. Anyway, Foni starts to blow up at Andrea about not wanting people to lie to her cause you know, that would be just so wrong. Andrea responds intelligently, “Micow’s the one bribing people.” Uhm Andrea, left field called, they want that statement back.
Then a cut to an interview where Foni is giving one of those “don’t make me angry, you don’t want to see me when I’m angry” speeches, something about not letting people take her character down after she worked so hard to build it up. Heh! Do I even need to touch that one? I think not.
Finally Foni can’t control herself and she runs over to confront Melissa. Foni says, “because I said if I won I would give her $20,000! That’s a bribe!? That’s a bribe!?” Uhmmm, yeah Foni, that’s a bribe. By the way, did you notice how Assphony never said anything about the 20k number yet Foni knew exactly how much money was alleged? Hmmm, smells like guilty to me. Then J-Ho gets into the mix and we finally get to see the infamous “YOU WANT TO MAKE ME!!!” scene. J-Ho is not even slightly intimidated and gives it right back to her forcing Foni to switch to plan B which basically consists of her yelling guttural animal like noises into J-Ho’s face, while at the same time jutting her teeth and eyes out like a combination of the monster in “Alien” and the truck driver in “PeeWee Herman’s Big Adventure.”
Next week, or by the time I finish this summary, tomorrow, we’ll get to see the exciting conclusion to Love Cruise, where among other things, a third couple will be added into the finals. Oh, that sounds fair.